Chapter Eighteen: Life Comes At You Fast

"Hey, Okazaki; you okay?"

I heard that question more than once as I tried to get through my work day. Kyou's revelation the night prior had me distracted – worried, really.

"She talks about you all the time. I'm surprised that my sister or Kappei hasn't mentioned it to you."

"Maybe she's just happy to be able to help someone else?" I suggested to myself yet again as I walked home from work, but the idea just refused to take hold. After my mental blindness with Ushio, I was becoming a little more cautious about my perceptions of things, particularly when they involved women. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I felt a headache come on. "What am I supposed to do if she comes over to make dinner?" I'd said 'if', but I knew full well that it would be a 'when', especially if what Kyou said was true.

I tried to ignore the throbbing in my temples as I unlocked the door to my apartment and went inside.

"Welcome home, Okazaki-sama!" I jumped, dropping my briefcase as Mika suddenly appeared before me, wearing the apron she usually wore when prepping dinner. "Would you like some tea?"

"H-How d-did you get in here?" I stammered while trying to get my heart rate closer to normal.

She giggled as she reached into the pocket of the apron to produce a key. "Shio-chan gave me her copy; she said that since she couldn't be here to help you, I could use it."

"Y-Yeah…"

"Don't worry, I'll give it back to her once she's able to move back in," she said as she pocketed the key again.

"Y-Yeah…" I repeated as I retrieved my briefcase. "Listen, uh…that's great, but…I wish you'd asked me about this first. I mean, this is my home after all, and Ushio's not responsible for the place."

Her expression fell almost immediately, making me feel a little guilty. "Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't think of that." She reached back into the apron and took out the key again. "Here, go ahead and take it; it's yours anyway, isn't it? I'm really sorry."

"Hold on a second," I said, my pulse finally returning to…well, more normal, considering what I knew about the girl before me. "Just…let me think for a minute."

"O-Okay…"

I considered the situation: She was coming over to help me out, so having a key to the apartment made sense. I didn't like it in light of what Kyou had told me, but it made sense nonetheless. If I could act as though I didn't know what I knew, then it might never become a problem. So I sighed. "Okay, fine; it isn't fair to make you wait outside for me when you're here to help, so fine."

"Th-Thank you," she said, and I could tell that she was trying to restrain herself. "I won't take advantage of this, I promise."

"You're welcome," I replied, wondering how she would take advantage of a comparatively lower-class family. "I would like tea, thanks, but do you need me for anything, or should I find something to do?"

"You can sit and relax, if you want," she said, waving at the kotatsu. "I'm sure you're tired after working so hard today."

"You're not wrong about that. Thanks." I trudged over to the kotatsu, dropping my case next to it before plopping down myself to finish recovering. Not just from work, but from my recent scare. "How's school going?" I asked, trying to distract myself.

"Fine."

Something about her tone had me concerned, though. "Are you sure everything's fine? You don't sound 'fine'."

She had a thoughtful look on her face as she brought the tea over. "Honestly, I've got a lot on my mind."

'Anything other than me?' was what I wanted to ask – just to get it out in the open – but I resisted. "What's bothering you?"

She put the tea before me, then sat down across from me. "I don't like keeping secrets from my parents, but…I need to talk to someone, so…"

"If you're thinking of hurting yourself, I'll have to tell them, you know," I said, thinking back to Pastor Ashton's disclaimer.

"It's not that!" she exclaimed, her gaze snapping up to mine. "It's…"

"It's okay," I said, forcing myself to reach out and pat her hand; I didn't want to treat her any differently than usual, after all. "You can talk to me."

"I know I can," she said, flashing a hesitant smile. "Maybe I'm making more of it than it is."

"So just tell me when you're ready," I said as I retrieved my mug. "I won't push."

After what seemed like a very long time, she finally spoke. "It's just that…I don't want to go to university anymore."

"Really?" I said, lowering my mug to the tabletop. "Why not?"

She glanced around nervously for some reason. "Well…I was talking to your daughter, and…and…"

"Relax, Mika-san; I'm not going to judge," I told her. "I've been judged enough to know what it feels like." I internally cringed at how she could take my next statement, but pushed forward. "I want to help if I can, and judging doesn't help. Judging unfairly, at least. I'll listen to what you have to say, and we'll go from there, all right?"

"A-All right," she said with an unreadable expression. Then she sat up straight. "The truth is that I don't want to go to university because I want…I want to get married."

"Married, huh?" I said, trying to muffle my alarms.

"Yeah, I want to get married while I'm still young and have kids. Then, after they grow up and move out, then I might go to university and earn a degree so I can get a good job and help my husband bring in income for retirement."

Her words sounded very familiar; they were almost the exact words that Ushio had used what seemed like a lifetime ago, but I decided to keep that to myself; Mika was the one who needed to work through the process, after all. "That seems well-thought out, but…what brought this on?"

"Well, like I said; I was talking to Shio-chan," she said, ducking her head with an awkward smile, "and we started talking about our futures. She told me about that, and I realized that that was a great idea. It made me think of Aunt Kyou, too; she might be marrying the pastor, but she'll be almost forty before she can have kids. I feel really bad for her."

"You know she originally married in her mid-twenties, right?"

"No, I understand her situation is different, I just…" She ducked her head again, this time looking away. "I guess I'll have to be very careful about who I marry."

"Sage advice for anyone," I remarked before taking another sip of my tea. "I think your idea's a good one, but I really think you need to talk to your parents about it; if they're expecting you to do certain things and you go and do another without talking to them first, it could be considered disrespectful, if nothing else."

"I know," she said. "I guess I just wanted to get my thoughts together, make sure that I wasn't just being selfish or anything."

"For what it's worth, I don't think you're being selfish," I told her. "If you're really okay with missing out on university for now…I think, in the long run, your kids will appreciate it; they'll have you when you have more of your energy to give. Your aunt Kyou is a regular dynamo, so I think she'll be fine."

I was relieved to see the high-schooler burst into giggles. "Thank you, Okazaki-sama."

"I'd also suggest that you marry an older….man…" I trailed off. Crap; I'd been so caught up in the flow of the conversation, I'd briefly forgotten what Kyou had told me about her…situation. "You'll want to find a man who's established," I quickly amended. "That way, you don't have to worry so much about finances."

"I…understand," she replied, starting to look uncomfortable. "I've…already given that some thought." She abruptly got to her feet and headed to the kitchen; even I could figure out what had likely made her uncomfortable. "I'm…gonna go work on dinner."

"Okay," I said, not wanting to make her even more uncomfortable. While she worked I thought about how best to handle the situation; until I knew for certain if she….whether Kyou was right or not, I thought it'd be best to try to continue on like normal…or at least as much as possible. Thinking of Kyou also made me think that the pastor might be a good one to talk to about the situation, just in case she was right. Better safe than sorry, after all.

"Well, it sounds like you've made some real progress," Pastor Ashton said warmly to a beaming Ushio. "I'll make a note in my report that I think you should be able to return home soon, but I'd like to give it a couple more sessions, just to be sure."

"Okay, pastor," she replied. "I understand."

He glanced up at the wall clock. "Well, it's not time yet, but I think we can kick out early this time. I'll be honest, young lady; when I first read the report, I thought you were going to put up quite a fight, but you've surprised me; pleasantly, that is."

"Th-Thank you," she blushed as she looked to her hands clasped in her lap.

"All right, then I'll see you two next week," he said, getting to his feet along with Ushio and myself.

Pops and Sanae were waiting in the entryway as we headed toward the exit. "Your granddaughter may not be living with you for much longer," he said with what appeared to be a disarming smile.

"In a way, that's too bad," Sanae said. "She's always a joy to have around."

"And she keeps the floor so clean!" Pops added with a lopsided grin.

"Grandpa…" Ushio giggled, then looked to me. "Will you walk me home, Daddy?"

"I…can't this time," I said. "I have something I need to do before I head home. I'll call later, though. Okay?"

"Okay," she said before giving me a peck on the cheek. "I love you and I'll talk to you later."

"I love you too, sweetie," I replied with a peck to her forehead. I then stood with the pastor and waved as the three of the headed for home. As they disappeared around the corner I turned to him. "Can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

"I had a feeling something was bothering you," he said as he opened the main door to the church. "Come on in." Instead of heading back to the office, though, he led me down a couple of short hallways, eventually entering what appeared to be a small kitchen. "Want some coffee?"

"Yes please," I replied as I took in the new room. As I had originally thought, it was a small kitchen, with a sink and a dishwasher, a stove with oven, as well as a small refrigerator. "Wow, you could live here with this setup."

"Actually, I do live here," he replied as he scooped the grounds into the coffeemaker. "My work is about fifty meters from my bed. Makes for a short commute…well, at least when I'm not performing my chaplain duties."

"Sounds nice."

"Go ahead and have a seat," he said, indicating a small table with two chairs, one on each side. "It should be ready in about a minute."

I took as seat as suggested. "How are you and Kyou getting along?" I asked to get more comfortable with the environment.

"Quite well, thank you," he replied as he turned to lean against the counter, next to the percolating pot. "Honestly, I thought that at fifty-one I'd be past dating, but then she came looking for her sister, and…" He chuckled. "Well, I suppose she's told you a bit about us."

"A little, yes," I admitted. "But I've tried not to pry; she and I are the same age, after all." I blinked as I remembered something about the man before me. "You said you're a widower, right?"

"That's right," he said, looking surprised. "Why?"

"I'm not sure how to ask, but…how long did you wait before dating again?"

"Well, I never really planned on dating again," he admitted as he turned to pour the coffee. "Jessica was my life – after Jesus, of course – so I never really felt the desire to remarry."

"So what changed your mind?"

"Your friend did," he said with a smile as he placed two steaming mugs on the table before sitting down. "I figured that, at my age, I'd live like Paul; satisfied with the life God has blessed me with. Then Kyou came along…"

"How did she change your mind?" I asked, intrigued.

"Does this have anything to do with what you want to talk about?" he asked as he brought his mug to his mouth.

"Maybe," I said. "I'm not sure, really."

"Well," he said, putting his mug back down, "something about her awakened my desire for companionship. I'm not precisely sure what it was, but as we talked I sensed a kindred spirit, if that makes any sense."

"Kinda. Even though she gave me a lot of crap back when she was a kindergarten teacher, I could see that she cared for her students a lot."

"She certainly has her way, doesn't she?" he said with a smile as he brought his mug up again.

"You could say that," I grunted.

"Anyway, we're doing fine, thank you," he finished. "So… What can I do for you?"

I sighed heavily as I ran my fingers through my hair several times. "I…might be in a situation…"

"'Might be'?" he echoed. "So it's not a problem just yet, but you're concerned that it could become one?"

"Yeah," I replied. "See, Kyou seems to think that her niece may…havefeelingsforme."

"Why is that a problem?" he asked with an honest expression.

"Well, one: I'm not interested in remarrying…or dating, even. I still miss Nagisa."

"Okay…"

"Two: She's the daughter of a friend of mine…"

"Okay…"

"And three: she's eighteen years old."

His eyebrows jumped, but he didn't show any other sign of surprise. "Anything more?"

I took a moment to think. "Nothing else I can think of right now."

He sighed, crossing his arms as he leaned back in his chair. "Phew, that could be an awkward situation. But you don't know for a fact that she desires you?"

"Not definitely, no. I guess what I'm looking for is…how to deal with the situation if she does like me…that way."

"How old are you again?"

"Thirty-six."

"Twice her age…" he mused as he rocked slightly in his seat with his gaze on the ceiling. "Eighteen year difference… And you said that Kyou told you?"

"Yeah. It was more of a hunch, though; I'm more concerned about this time, because she had a feeling about Ushio's situation and turned out to be right. I think she's trying to warn me before something potentially bad happens again."

"I could see that," he said with a thoughtful nod. "Do you think her parents know?"

"No, but it seems like they should have some idea," I told him. "Kyou told me that Mika talks about me all the time."

"That could be a bit of an exaggeration, but even then…" He sat back up again. "Right now, the main factor that I see is your lack of interest in dating again; that makes everything else moot."

"So if it comes up, I just tell her that 'Sorry, I'm not interested in dating'?"

"That's actually not as bad as it sounds," he said. "At least you're not rejecting her personally."

"That's true."

"If you don't mind me asking; how long ago was it that your wife died?"

"A little over sixteen years ago," I answered. "She died giving birth to Ushio."

"That's right," he said with a finger snap. "That's why your daughter thinks she…okay."

"Why do you ask, anyway?"

"I'm just wondering why you haven't had any interest in dating, even. What I mean, is…for example, I still miss Jessica, but I don't think she would want me old and alone. Goodness, she even apologized to me on her deathbed for leaving me so soon." His eyes started to lose focus. "What an amazing girl…"

"Sounds like it," I said, awed somewhat by his story. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Huh? Oh, right!" He shook his head as though to clear it. "Sorry about that. Anyway…I'm not trying to convince you to remarry or anything like that, just to…allow it as a possibility."

"No thanks," I said. "I've had my happiness ripped away from me enough times, thank you very much."

"Yeah…I suppose it has," he said softly, and I was surprised at the level of sympathy I could hear.

I knew it was off-topic, but I had to ask. "Listen: Do you think it's my fault that my shoulder's busted?"

If he was surprised by the question, he sure was good at not showing it. "Tomoya-san, I simply don't know enough about your relationship with your father to say anything, so I don't think it's my place to say anything. Ideally, I'd want you both in the room together to give me a comprehensive view of the situation; you'll have your viewpoint, but he'll have his as well. You had your reasons for acting as you did, but he did as well."

I simply grunted; he had a point, to be sure.

"Do you really hate your old man that much?"

I bit back my initial reaction, knowing that it wouldn't do any good. "I don't know. It's been years since it happened. At this point I'm just…bitter, I guess."

"Do you think you could forgive him?"

"Forgive him?" I exclaimed, staring at him in disbelief. "But he hasn't apologized for it!"

He leaned forward, steepling his fingers. "Right now, you believe he owes you a debt, and you hurt because you haven't been able to collect. Do you understand?"

"I…I think so."

"You can forgive him even if he never pays you back. What that will mean is that you release your claim on him, but it also means that you will free yourself from his influence on your life."

"That…I don't understand."

"I don't know if there's an equivalent saying in Japan, but I've learned; 'Bitterness is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

"What does that mean?"

"Any bitterness you carry does not hurt him beyond your poor treatment of him," he explained. "Now, I'm sure that your estrangement has hurt him in some way, but your bitterness only hurts you."

I'd never thought of it that way and admitted as such. "But…how am I supposed to forgive him? It's not like it'll give me my shoulder back."

"True," he acknowledged. "But it…how do I put this…? It sets your soul free. If you don't have to worry about collecting the debt, that's one less worry."

"It sounds like he gets away with it, then," I said, trying not to feel bitter.

"That's a tough one," he admitted. "As a Christian, I can say that if he doesn't repent of the way he treated you he'll have to answer to God for it. Since you're not a Christian…I guess I could say that you're very lucky to be getting the treatment you are," he finished, gesturing to my right shoulder.

"That's true…" I sighed as I let his words settle into my mind.

"If you'd like some kind of closure to this, I'd have no problem seeing your father as well; you might be able to put this behind you, at least."

"Maybe…"

"Tomoya-san; what do you want when it comes to your 'old man'?

I chuckled at his usage of my preferred term. "At this point…I'm not sure."

"It's been going on so long that it's taken on a life of its own?"

"Something like that."

"Well, just know that the offer's on the table," he said, leaning back in his chair again. "Of course it'll depend on his willingness, but…considering he was praying next to me while you were in surgery, I'd say the chances are pretty good."

"That's right; I remember Ushio saying something about that."

"I'm just hazarding a guess here, but he may have been praying for your shoulder in part to undo the damage he'd done so long ago. If that's true, then he may still feel pretty guilty about it."

I doubted it, but since I couldn't think of another reason… "That could be."

"Anyway, we've gotten off-topic. You wanted my thoughts about your situation potentially involving this young woman, and I think we've hit on the key point; your lack of desire to remarry. If that's the case, then it really doesn't matter who is interested in you, so you can move forward without needlessly hurting anyone's feelings."

"That's good to know," I said, though some part of my heart was starting to…ache?

I opened the door to my apartment, and passed through in to my home, and my eyes settled on the photo of Nagisa and I. I felt myself bite my lip as I made my way across the room to kneel down in front of the table it rested on and reached out and gingerly picked it up. I had rarely touched it since her death; the table had almost become a shrine, with her photo amongst a group of Big Dango Family plushies. I was surprised that none of our visitors had said anything about it; maybe Ushio had told them about her mother, so they had kept a respectful distance.

I traced my fingers along the edge of the simple wooden frame, and I started to feel the familiar pressure around my eyes, threatening to push out the liquid emotion. "Nagisa…" In many ways, it didn't seem like sixteen years, but at the same time it seemed like forever. Her scent had left the plushies long ago, and the light in my world had finally left at about the same time. Could I even remember her correctly anymore, her smell, the feel of her skin, the sound of her voice?

I hugged the frame tightly, squeezing my eyes shut and letting the tears flow yet again. The fact was, I'd never really grieved her death. I drank, I smoked, and I worked, but none of it ever took the pain away. Maybe I didn't want the pain to go away; it was all I had left of her…other than the photo and some plushies from happier times.

But now…alone…in my apartment…I'd never thought to…was this what it was like for Pastor Ashton so long ago? He'd lost his wife before Nagisa and I had ever met. How did he deal with the loss?

His god… But how could he still follow his god after something like that? I put these thoughts aside. I'd never thought to grieve, to mourn Nagisa's…death before, busying myself with drink, smokes, work, then Ushio.

But kneeling in my home, all alone, I finally allowed myself to mourn.

"Good evening, Okazaki-sama!" Mika greeted after I opened the door. "Can I make you some tea?"

"Yes, please," I said as she entered. "I could really… Yes, please."

Unfortunately, she caught something in my tone and stopped her trip to the kitchen to give me a worried look. "Are you okay?"

"I've…been better," I confessed. "I'm fine; I've just had kind of an emotional day, that's all."

"Well…if there's anything I can do to help, please tell me." With another concerned look, she turned and headed into the kitchen.

Part of me wanted her to stay for dinner, for the company, but my more sensible self told me not to take her up on anything; no sense causing needless problems, after all. "I'll be fine, but thanks for worrying about me."

"No problem," her voice echoed from the kitchen. "Go ahead and have a seat if you want."

I obeyed, heading over to the kotatsu as usual and plopping my butt down in front of it.

"Did you have your treatment today?" she asked, still from the kitchen.

"Yeah, I did," I replied. "In fact, it looks like the harness will be coming off next week."

"That's…good," she said with an interesting hesitation. "But…you'll still need physical therapy, right? Isn't that what you told me?"

"That's right, but I should be able to start doing small tasks with my right arm. In fact, I might be able to start making my own dinners before too long."

"That's…good."

"You looking forward to getting your time back?"

"Y-Yeah…"

"You can hang out with friends again, or just…do whatever you want. You'll be free again, though I guess you could be free any time, since you don't have to-"

"Please…" she interrupted with a surprisingly soft voice. "…please stop."

"Okay."

I kept my lip zipped as she brought out a steaming mug and placed it before me. "Be careful, it's pretty hot," she told me, and I could hear some pretty heavy emotion in her tone.

"Are you okay, Mika-san?" I asked; even though Kyou had given me an idea why she was acting like this, I still needed to play dumb until I knew for sure.

"I'm fine," she squeaked. "I'm sorry, just give me a minute." She left the room heading down the hall and, from the sound of it, into our bathroom. A moment later I heard blowing sounds, and she rejoined me a minute later. "Sorry, I was a little congested."

"Sounds like it. Are you okay, now?"

"I'm fine," she replied, giving me an obviously forced smile. "Okazaki-sama, I have a request."

"A request?" I echoed. "Okay…what is it?"

"Would you come to the Founder's Festival with me?"

I nearly spat out my tea but managed to swallow it. "Me? Why?"

She ducked her head with a blush. "Well, Mom and Dad are both working, and Aunt Kyou's going on a date…"

"She couldn't reschedule her date?" I asked incredulously.

"Pastor Ashton isn't available that often, so they try to go out when they can," she explained.

I smelled a set-up. "What about Ushio?"

She gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. "Oh, I am so sorry! I didn't think of that! Are you going with her already?"

"Well, no," I admitted. "We're still not to the point where she can move in, but the pastor's going to be putting in a recommendation."

"Oh, that's wonderful!" she exclaimed, her previous distress all but gone. "You'll be able to be a family again!"

"Y-Yeah…" I said lamely. "Look, I really don't think it'd be appropriate for me to go with you to this. I'll talk to your parents and see if either of them can get off from work or something. Maybe if they know that you're asking outside the family, one of them will find a way."

"Okay…" she said, her face falling again.

I sighed at her expression; if she tried anything funny at the festival, at least I'd know the truth and could go from there. "Mika-san…fine. I'll be talking to your parents first, though. If they really can't go and they're okay with it…I'll go with you."

Her face brightened up immediately; it was kinda creepy, really. "Oh, you will? Oh, thank you; you'll have a blast!" She threw her arms around me, excitedly hugging my neck.

"Y-Yeah," I said, awkwardly patting her shoulder while wondering if I'd made a mistake.