Chapter 3- Amelia Heart
Given her last name, you'd have thought she was in cardiology. Because how humorous would that have been: Dr. Heart, cardiac surgeon at whatever hospital she desired. It's such an obvious career choice and would've been so cute on a t-shirt. 'My heart was saved by Dr. Heart.' Funny enough, that was exactly what she was going after…right up until a major life event took her future in a whole other direction. Her mother was diagnosed with an inoperable tumor right in the middle of midterms during her sophomore year at Baylor. She raced home, spent the holidays with her family in shock and disbelief, and sadly buried her mother the day before she had to return to school in January…only to have the same exact thing happen to her father by the following Thanksgiving the next year. Two years in a row, she and her siblings stood next to a grave allowing the wind and snow and grim reaper of death whip into their lives as the cruelties of life took another one of their family leaders. It was in the kneeling to the ground and letting all the anger and heartbreak and shock over being an orphan essentially that she decided this was the fight she wanted to take up. At the time she greatly feared neurology, it was the biggest mystery and most daunting subject and one she'd literally avoided as best she could her entire school career up to that point. But you best believe the first day back at Baylor she checked out everything book in the library, signed up for all the neuro classes and hired a fabulous tutor. This was her life mission: the help those that needed it the most. No one reached out and tried to help her parents, instead simply told them to enjoy the time they had and that they'd be made comfortable. It was the worst holiday seasons to live through and she didn't want that to happen to anyone else. So if no one else was going to step in and be that very last line of defense before those with brain tumors or brain diseases went off into the deep and lonely unknown, then that was her cross to take up and bear. Call her a drama queen or a fame chaser, but she saw it as helping those who everyone else turned away. They didn't always work out, but there was some peace in knowing that at least something had been tried.
"Welcome to Chicago Med, Dr. Heart," Marcel greeted with, watching the stunning blonde walk her way through the ED like the world was her runway. She was a perfect 5'8, model figure with the perfect boobs, stomach, ass, and legs and had skin that practically radiated. She was wearing scrubs underneath an extra plush, cinched, long coat, her wheelie sneakers clicking into place as she warmly smiled and extended a hand to both Marcel and Abrams. A blown bubble gum popped loudly before she gathered the gum back into her mouth, smiling as she pulled the shades that were on her nose up to her forehead.
"Thank you! Dr. Abrams, it's a pleasure to finally put a face to the name." Her thick southern accent was off putting in Chicago, making her stand out that much more. But it was the oozing of personality and the sweet, genuine vibe about her that made every patient and doctor adore her and truly back her crusade against brain illnesses. She was a double threat: easy on the eyes while being a true genius and incredibly accomplished surgeon.
"Let's take a look at these scans. You dragged me all the way to the west side so this better be good," she spoke while smacking the gum in her mouth. Marcel and Abrams guided her to the doctor's lounge, making sure to shut the door behind them and locking things. After all, this was very personal, sensitive information they were about to present, plus the word on Jay having this super huge, terrible brain tumor was limited to just the people taking care of him. The last thing they wanted was for Jay to have to sit in the hospital with the knowledge that everyone in the place knew he had something that was rather deadly and awful sitting inside his skull. So, best to keep his secret as secretive and under wraps as humanly possible.
"How old is the patient," Dr. Heart asked as she took a seat in front of the computer?"
"37," Marcel spoke, looking at the screen and typing his credentials in before turning things over to her. She started by going over his chart, reading into the medical history before going over to the scans and EEG readouts.
"It's on the young side of things, but still fits," she eventually spoke, more gum smacking as her finger hovered over the screen, tracing the typed words regarding Jay's symptoms.
"These are all pretty classic symptoms. And this started three months ago?" Abrams nodded.
"Yeah, started with the headaches."
"Okay, that makes it on the aggressive side of things. If in three months he went from nothing to all of this proves it's a fast growing sucker. It's probably been growing for about a year or so but only got aggressive recently. So we're looking at a higher grade tumor. Where are the scans?" Marcel kindly removed the mouse from her hand, maneuvering things to the scan section of the chart. Looking at them even now stirred that pit of worry and dread in the other doctor's stomachs. It was so bad, so scary and daunting that at this moment in time without knowing any kind of treatment or a next step, it was hard to look at things in a positive light. Just like her parents were told all those years ago, these two at Med were looking at comfort management instead of actually treating Jay. Thus the call into her. They didn't know what to do, but figure if there was a shot at helping Jay this was his person.
"Yeah, that's a big one," she initially spoke as things downloaded. She pushed her eyes further into the screen, truly absorbing things and soaking in all that the scans had to offer. She watched the slides dance back and forth, noting the curvature and tentacles of the tumor, internally noting where they were on the brain and how deep things were.
"Do you have a PET scan?"
"Next slide," Marcel spoke. Dr. Heart jumped there, sighing that things looked to be isolated just to the brain. It didn't make things easier, but also proved they weren't going to make it more difficult.
"Do you know what it is? Should we schedule a biopsy?" Dr. Heart smirked, popped another gum bubble before shaking her head. This one was going to be a challenge, a monster she'd faced several times before. However, for the first time ever, she felt this could be a victory in her column.
"No, but we do need to schedule surgery quickly. This sucker need to get out of there before it grows anymore. Like I'd say in the next couple of weeks." She clicked back to the MRI scans now, watching Jay's brain light up with the contrast and reaction to the tumor. She took more notes of the dimensions, the depth, and the characteristics of it all. It was a beast, but she was a boss bitch and one that wasn't going to say no to something she knew she could take down.
"And yes, I do know what it is. Have you guys talked to the patient?"
"His brother just told him it's a tumor, but beyond that we haven't said anything. We've only seen scans like these a couple times in our careers so we didn't want to make things worse with a maybe."
"Why did his brother tell him?"
"Because he's a doctor here and he was in the scanner room when we all found it."
"Oh great, a family member with a medical background. I'm sure we'll butt heads at some point."
"Oh, so that means you'll take it?" Dr. Heart did a final rundown of everything, sighing and mumbling to herself before spinning around in her seat to face the two people behind her. Both looked petrified, both were also in awe of her and her demeanor to things. So far she was the most calm and collected at seeing things, a good sign that they'd found the right person.
"I need to move some things around in my schedule, but yes. I'll take this case off your hands." Marcel exhaled, looking to Abrams who could only shrug. If anything were to go south, he didn't want that on his conscience…and record. Best to let the experts do what they do best.
"Where's the patient? Is he still in the hospital?"
"Yeah, he's upstairs. You want to go meet him?"
"Of course! I'm sure they're super nervous and feeling rather awful. So let's go and try to make them feel better. It's Jay Halstead? Said like the street name just with an added A?" Marcel chuckled, offering her a hand to rise on and she obliged.
"Just like the street," he chuckled back. They rode the elevator in small conversation, going over potential treatment plans while giving more backstory to Jay, Will, everyone involved in his life. By the time they reached Jay's floor Dr. Heart was starting to think Jay was the real life version of Captain America. He sounded more and more like the perfect candidate to battle what he was about to go up against, which sounds terrible she's fully aware. But the guy had heart, toughness, and a whole lot of stubbornness, which was everything he needed to beat this thing.
Knocking on Jay's door was a very nervous and unknown thing. Talks like these were never easy, even years into the game now those initial conversations were the most difficult part of the journey. People, emotions can go so many different ways that it's always hard to gauge how to enter a room, what to say and not say, and if people are even up for discussing treatment options. The shock and awe and fear is so overpowering in those early hours and days that that's all people can grasp. Their loved one has a brain tumor, this potentially deadly and harmful thing and they had no clue how to help. The surgery was scary, the recovery was difficult, and then there is always the possibility that none of it will work, or that more surgery or other treatment options will have to follow. It's never a course of life one desires or anticipates, and after going through it it's still something no one wishes on their biggest enemies. It's a dark, terrible, formidable time in a patient's life and all those around them. But perhaps the hardest part of all was admitting that is was real and true. That yes, your loved one has something inside of them that's been growing for some time and now it wants to kill them. That's not something you just easily accept and move forward with. It takes time, it takes space between an announcement and the moment where one truly embraces things, and Dr. Heart was fully aware of that. Right up until two weeks before he mother passed, they all wanted to believe it was a lie, that nothing was wrong with her and things were totally fine. Her mother was alive, happy, functioning, it was hard to see where things were going wrong. So as Dr. Marcel introduced her to Jay, Will, and Hailey, and she noted the red eyes and puffy faces of the loved ones, she quietly prayed her words and course of treatment stuck to something today. They had to move fast. They were already behind on things. They had to catch up before things got too far out of hand.
"Hi Jay, I'm Dr. Heart. Nice to meet you," she warmly spoke, just nodded at him as he slowly and nervously looked her way. She didn't offer a hand for him to shake, but instead took up the iPad that was tucked under her arm. She slowly approached the bed, asking if she could take a seat close to him and he nodded, sitting up in bed a little as she pulled things up.
"I looked over your scans and medical history and I'd love to take your case. But first, how are you feeling? I see that you had an interesting night last night." Jay nodded, struggling to find words. Blame that on the shock or the drugs, but his mouth hung open a moment or two before he finally nodded. He cleared his throat and truly pushed for some kind of answer.
"Yeah…it was…I don't remember." Dr. Heart nodded, wishing she could hug him or just shoot him up with a dose of help and hope. They all looked like they'd just been told the terrible news moments before she arrived, they were that far back at that stage of things. But instead Amelia nodded, cleared her throat before she pulled the scans up, clutching the iPad close to her chest.
"Well, would you like to see the tumor? Maybe looking at it will help in some way? I know the hardest part in all of this not being able to believe what you can't see. Unlike with a gunshot or acne or other physical things that we can see evidence of, it's hard to imagine you have a brain tumor if you cannot see it. You've been feeling the side effects of it for a few months now, but this was never where your mind went to, right?" She watched Jay slowly shake his head, daydreaming at his feet. He was certainly under the influence of a lot right now, but something told her that he was starting to get it. Perhaps the other two in the room weren't, but the most important thing was for Jay to understand and say yes. It was him, after all, that had to go through all of this. So the most important part was that he accept his fate and chose to take up the fight.
"Yeah, I…haven't really accepted it yet. Will told me and I laughed at him." Jay pointed to Will, who made Amelia swivel around and smirk at him. Will was the vision of a ghost, Hailey next to him dabbing under her eyes with a very wet tissue.
"Do you two want to see it," she politely asked? Hailey immediate shook her head, Will slowly shook his head after a moment.
"I already saw it. I'm not ready to see it again." Dr. Heart nodded, turning back to Jay and seeming to be asking once more with the look in her eyes. Though they had barely met, Jay already really liked her. For starters, she was stunning. She didn't look to be that much older then him yet she had this old soul and lightyears of life and experience up on him. She had this positive glow, this charisma about her that was so welcoming and warm that Jay knew no matter what, this was the person he wanted next to him in all of this; purely from a medical side we must point out. He loved the quirkiness about her, that she rolled in on roller sneakers and she was chewing gum as undercover as she could. All surgeons had weird stuff about them, but hers were very becoming and her. Plus, the southern accent was so different from what he'd grown up hearing that he found her voice soothing. They were about to talk about a brain tumor yet he was already at ease. Call it the drugs or tumor, but Jay was ready to sign up for whatever crazy idea she had up her sleeve.
"I want to see," Jay finally spit out, Amelia smirking a little before pulling the tablet away from her. She took another quick glance at things, inhaled, and them placed the iPad in his hands.
"There's your tumor," she announced, pointing out the outline with her fingers as Jay just absorbed it all. It was huge, it made no sense to him, but oddly enough, part of him was at peace. Jay may have been a stubborn soul but he was not stupid. After the whole Thanksgiving debacle of him puking and laying in a dark room all day, deep down he knew something else was going on. He noted the fact he was always tired, he noted that the headaches always started in the morning and were coming on more and more each time. Of course, he didn't go straight to a tumor, but to see that there actually was something else going on, that he wasn't crazy or some person that was going to just have to live without an answer forever, was putting him at peace a little.
"You have a very rare brain tumor called an anaplastic astrocytoma. Astrocytoma's account for four percent of all brain tumors diagnosed in the world, so they're super rare. Astrocytoma's come in different grades, all with special names and special growth patterns and are graded based on how fast they grow and if they're cancerous or not."
"And mine is…"
"Unfortunately it is cancerous, which means this grew pretty quickly and will require a bit of an uphill battle. But I can tell you that I can operate on it and as bad as this looks, it has not grown to other parts of the body so that is great news."
"Operate," Jay cut in? Dr. Heart nodded, collecting the tablet back in her hand.
"The first step in any tumor like this is surgery. It's a craniotomy and it's pretty intense. With an anaplastic astrocytoma, or AA as we call it in the medical community, we try our best to get as much of the tumor out of there as we can but with fast growing, large tumors like this there's always a chance we don't get it all. So that could mean chemo and radiation afterwards."
"So I also have cancer?"
"Technically yes. It is a form of cancer and it is rapidly growing but, it's all located in a tumor in one spot on your body. Unfortunately it's in a bad area of your body. But the chemo you could potentially need is not the same level of severity. It's in a pill form. You take it could for a couple weeks, take a week or two off for radiation, and the whole course of treatment last a few months. But you won't be throwing up or losing your hair like you would with normal chemo."
"Except I still will be losing hair because of the surgery," Jay cut in. Ah, there was some humor to him. In the midst of the worst news of his life to date, he found a way to attempt humor. Now there was a mutual liking and understanding. smirked, nodding as she reached for her phone in her scrubs pocket.
"Sorry, it's the cost of living sometimes. Now…" she trailed off, finger flying through her calendar in search of her next available date. She got the sense Jay wanted to get this handled quickly, hoping her stress on it being a higher grade tumor and being aggressive planted those little seeds in his person.
"I can work some things around but, we could potentially schedule surgery for December 23rd, if you're up for it?" Jay eyes went huge, whole body freezing in place as he blurted out a puff of air from his pursed lips. In the background Will and Hailey gasped aloud before siting up in their seats a little more.
"But, that's two days before Christmas. Don't you have like…life to visit," Will asked? Jay was still frozen, so Amelia turned in Will's direction to respond.
"Yeah, but they're just a bunch of skinny bitches who talk about tapas and avocado toast after cardio workouts. I can miss a round of that this year if it means tackling something like this." Will was flabbergasted, slowly shaking his head as Hailey found a new emotion for the first time since the whole announcement: laughing. She began by giggling before letting out a whole roar of a laugh, eventually collecting herself when Will death glared at her. All looked back to Jay who was still calculating things in his mind, standing just on the edge of what was going to come next. He found himself at the intersection of denial or embracing, acting or putting off. Part of him thought this was going to be a monthly process, that things would be strung out so much that before long all would go away and be fine once more. That was the denial side of him. But on the other end, he dreaded having to drag and wait. He was not a patient man. If there was something wrong, then it was best to fix it, now. What was giving up on this Christmas season if it meant he could have many more in his future. So against the denial, scared side of him saying to turn and run the other way—perhaps it was also the tumor speaking—he nodded his head looking Amelia right in the eye.
"Let's do it." Amelia now gave him a full smile, sighing as she hurriedly texted her assistant to start putting things into place.
"Excellent. Thank you for getting me out of Christmas at the Vogue ranch this year. See, I'm the black sheep of the family. All my other sisters went into fashion while I went into medicine. So they're all rail thin and perfect and glare at me when I eat but hey, I love food too much. Why am I even telling you that?!" Jay smirked, watching her rise from her spot on the bed and start to head to the door.
"So surgery will be at Northwestern, pre-op, post-op, everything will be there. I don't have privileges here and plus, that's home to me. Do you know where it is?"
"I have a map," Jay joked back, which made Amelia wink back at him.
"Alright, I'll see you at pre-op. Get some rest when you get home. And Jay, it was a pleasure to meet you. We'll get you through this." She bid farewell to Will and Hailey, reminding them all once again that things would be okay, still trying to instill peace and confidence into their world. Sure, they were putting on a brave face now, but the second she left the tears and fear and pure heartbreak were going to resume. She knew it all too well by now. The door was just about closed when Jay spoke her way.
"And Dr. Heart, thank you. You're like the only person that hasn't said how sorry they are and hasn't given me that death stare. So thank you." She nodded before sticking her head back into the room.
"Jay, it's not your fault this happened and there was no way to prevent this. Sadly, and suckily, life decides to throw us curveballs that make no sense, but we have to fight the best we can and make sense out of it." Jay nodded, settling back down into the bed as the surgeon of his fate slowly closed the door behind her. He wanted so badly to believe her, understand that in two weeks this would all be a thing of the past. But as she predicted, the tears and stillness and shock of the day's news kept things very subdued in that room. Safe to say it was a quiet, emotional trip home from the hospital. Despite having a plan, there was this sense of starting to count things down, take note of every move being one of the last times Jay did something. Rudely enough, Jay spent his first night at home with another headache, foregoing any plans of resting and eating and sitting in bed watching TV. The monster seemed to have sensed that plans were in place to wreck his life. So his only defense was to make Jay's life a living hell and he was very much succeeding.
…
The sunlight poking through the bedroom window was the thing that finally woke him up the following morning, the light acting like little needles driving into his skull. Once again, another headache was welcoming him in to the day, the swelling and pain and light sensitivity was becoming the normal now. Jay rolled onto his back, quietly groaning through the wave of pain before he tried to open his eyes. He successfully did, but only to find his eyes so swollen and bleary that he wished he hadn't opened them. Jay now loudly groaned, rolling back onto his stomach so that his hand hit the bedside table and all the pill bottles rolled off the table and onto the floor.
"Fucking idiot," Jay cursed under his breath. He made it to sitting up and beginning the descent to the floor to gather what he dropped before the bathroom door flew open, Hailey and the phone glued to her ear gasping at the sudden noise change to the room.
"Are you okay," she puffed out?
"Yeah, just dropped the bottles. It was an accident," Jay complained as he managed to grab one of the bottles without having to remove himself from the bed or warm sheets. The skin that was exposed to the elements told him the room, the whole apartment was just barely above freezing. It appeared they either forgot to turn the heat on when they got home last night or the cold world outside finally swallowed their heat whole. Either way, he shivered to the point of foregoing any desire to grab the remainder of the bottles, Hailey quick to run in and finish his task.
"Here, I'll do it for you," she spoke with the phone still glued to her hand and ear. Jay rolled his eyes, figuring it was Will hovering over things, trying to either control or make sure he wasn't about to run out the door and do something crazy. He never understood why his brother felt the need to make sure when bad things happened he had to be the one that kept things in line, like without him Jay would be swimming laps in the lake right now. He'd done it since he was little and now over thirty years later he was still trying to control his life when things were going belly up. Jay rolled his eyes, chuckling to himself as Hailey placed everything back on the table.
"He's fine. Just dropped the medicine bottles."
"Is that Will," Jay asked? Hailey smirked, nodding as she listened to Will ramble on and on about watching for motor weakness or hand limpness.
"Hi, Will," Jay spoke rather loud as he gathered his morning pills and reached out for the water bottle to help him swallow things, Hailey quick to step in and handle that for him.
"Did you also get the seizure meds," she asked? Jay nodded after his swallow. It was in the returning the water bottle to the bedside table that she gave him the look, the look Jay was quickly referring to himself as the death stare. It was the little half smirk coupled with sad eyes and just this look, this face that said they felt so sorry for you. Having been around terminal people or people experiencing the worst days of their lives, Jay knew he was guilty of this look himself, but now being in that victim or patient role, he hated that look more than anything. When you're in this position, the very last thing you want is for everyone else to A, know you're going through something terrible and B, for everyone to feel bad for you. Sure, he had a brain tumor, a very rare and cancerous one that was slowly, or quickly depending on how one looked at it, killing him. He knew that, they all knew that, but he didn't need the death stare, the look that said 'we're so sorry this happened to you and we are only blessed to not be you.' It was the very last thing he needed, more than anything he just wanted to be treated like a normal person and injected with some kind of hope or positivity and normalcy to combat the choppy waters of unknown chaos that was going on in his life. All of this he wanted to yell to her, to both of them really, but instead he chose to look away from her, down into his lap and say nothing with the hope of her getting it. Hailey noted the quick change in him, assuming it was the tumor shifting things once more, but in reality it was Jay just trying to not bit her head off. So, perhaps it was the tumor talking after all.
"We're out of hot water right now. Sorry, I took too long in the shower and plus, with things outside it's limited to begin with."
"It's fine. I'll just get dressed and wait till later," Jay spoke, relaxing on the pillows as Hailey continued on with Will. She sat on the edge of the bed, sitting so that her bottom was resting up against Jay's leg with her left hand brushing on Jay's arm as the right hand held the phone. The conversation was mostly spoken by Will, going on and on about something Jay couldn't make out, blame the headache. Hailey would nod here and there, speak one or two words, but for the most part just listened to Will rant. The biggest chunk of speaking Hailey did during that time in the room was, "I don't know. We haven't spoken much since we got back home. He got another headache last night so he slept most of the night." Jay rolled his eyes and groaned as he started to piece together the reason for the phone call this morning. Will wanted to talk, process things, begin to make Jay feel the weight and surreal feeling that was living with a rare brain tumor. Now this may come as a surprise, but Jay wasn't scared of whatever was coming next right now. Sure, it was strange and unsettling knowing he was going to have major brain surgery and a lengthy recovery in two weeks. But there was comfort in knowing there was a plan and a chance to both get out and get over this. It was this human element, this whole side piece of emotional toll that was really throwing him off and annoying him to no end. So humorous how he can see the human side of things and reason with people while on the job or in life, but when it came to himself he had this weird ability to just shut all of that off. He had a problem, they were working on the solution, he didn't see why people were so upset. Jay chuckled to himself, rubbing his very sore eyes before sitting all the way up in bed. Hailey took that as her cue to hang up with Will, saying something about seeing him in a few before she put the phone down. Jay smirked at her, Hailey sighed before putting a hand on top of his. For a brief moment, things were normal.
"Let me guess, he's coming over," Jay joked.
"Yeah, in like…five minutes. He's bringing coffee and I need to go hurry up and put things together for a breakfast. Hope he likes peanut butter toast." Jay chuckled, pulling the blankets down so he could get out of bed. It was in the standing up that things turned awkward. Just like it did the previous morning, Jay's attempt to stand up was meet with a sudden inability to stand on his own, his whole world spinning and leaning to the left. Jay seriously stumbled a couple seconds before Hailey grabbed him and help him stabilize, the two of them seemingly hugging each other for over a minute.
"I'm fine," Jay spoke, patting her on the back before he took those first couple steps towards the closet. He didn't harp on the fact the tumor was now messing with his balance, or the truth that that kind of scared him, just kept doing what he'd done since he learned of the diagnosis: moving forward with things. As he closed the door he heard the sniffs resume in the bedroom, felt the quiet and suctioning of joy that was taking place in his life. If there was any kind of emotion he was feeling in all of this, it was that this diagnosis was robbing Will and Hailey of joy and hope and a quality Christmas season. He was fine with going through with things on the given timeline and was able to embrace what was happening to him, but it was seeing them have to live with it all. That was probably the most difficult part in all of this and it was going to be the biggest hurdle for all of them. Not the surgery, not the recovery and not whatever else came after that. It was going to be this time between the diagnosis and the actual surgery day and helping them see that he was still himself, just living with a foreign thing in his brain.
He took his time in getting dressed, allowing Hailey that time to grieve or be in fear or whatever she needed to feel. It was still absolutely freezing outside and the apartment was still trying it's best to warm up, so Jay chose to double layer everything: the pants, shirts, socks, and a hoodie before walking into the bathroom and readying himself for the very lengthy talk with Will. It was in the brushing of his hair that the very first reconsidering took place. With the truth of everything, Jay swore that he saw a lump on the top of his head, swearing that as he brushed over his head the brush rose and fell, that the tumor was changing the structure of his skull and he had no clue. Now of course, he told himself that the tumor was deep in his brain and this was very unlikely to create a bump on the top of his skull, but in that brief little moment of realization he was convinced that was true. Jay ran a hand over this assumed bump, breath being held as his hand froze in that place. An alien was living in his mind, he told himself. He was some poor soul that was randomly chosen to be the birthing port for a new alien species. That during surgery would be when the thing decided to birth out of him, creating a rather disgusting scene and bloody mess before it killed him while he was under. As he lay there motionless and deceased the alien would grow and destroy the whole world while everyone blamed the dead guy for allowing it to happen. Okay, now he was really letting this thing run out of control. Tucking away the alien thoughts and moving on with his day, Jay couldn't help but see the bump there the rest of his morning routine, convinced that everyone else could too and just chose to not say anything. He really had to get out of that bathroom. Jay was quick to brush his teeth, wash everything else before shutting the bathroom light off and heading out into the living area. It was time to meet his morning debrief or rant session or whatever this intervention was that Will and Hailey had in store for him. And he didn't have much time to prepare for it, given the fact that as he opened the bedroom door the two of them were already in the kitchen quietly talking about things. Jay rolled his eyes, not ready for this talk but just wanted to get it over with.
"Hey Will," Jay greeted as he broke the kitchen doorway. Will immediately stopped what he was doing to hug Jay, wrapping him in a hug so tight that it was almost cutting off Jay's circulation. Jay was abruptly halted from getting a cup of coffee, left to just stand in the middle of the room allowing Will to feel whatever he needed right then. He looked over at Hailey who got up from her spot at the table and grabbed what Jay was looking for.
"Love you," Will eventually spoke, after Hailey poked Will's back in order to give Jay his coffee. Jay replied that he loved Will as well, practically jumping away from his brother and in the direction of the bar stool and counter. He needed some space between the two of them, he didn't want a full ambush right now. His head hurt too much and he was too hungry to have to live through it right now.
"So…how are you feeling," Will quietly started while Jay was in the middle of slathering peanut butter on his toast.
"Fine, aside from the headache," Jay normally spoke back. Will could try all he wanted, Jay was not about to let his brother walk him into an emotional mess.
"Jay, we need to talk about this."
"I figured, since you're sitting here…in my kitchen…looking like you're about to cry." Hailey and Will looked at each other, seeming to be in agreement on one thing, which Jay picked up on right away and called them out on.
"And no, that wasn't a tumor talking. That's me, rather pissed off. Guys, it's still me here, okay?! There isn't some foreign being that's taking over my life. And even if that was the case it's leaving in a couple weeks. So can we just embrace that part?!"
"Jay, you haven't said anything about this. You haven't cried, you've barely said a word about it, and you said yes to treatment without really even understanding things."
"Since when did crying mean anything?! And you don't want me to get treatment?"
"No, of course I want you to get treatment! Come on, Jay. Don't be stupid here. But…we're both worried about you. Seriously you haven't said a word about this. Usually when people get told they have a brain tumor, a cancerous and aggressive brain tumor at that, there's a debriefing period. There's a season of emotions and just freaking out."
"You don't think I'm upset by all of this?! You don't think I'm worried or uneasy about having to undergo major brain surgery?! Will, I'm not a moron here. But I also don't see a need for me to be crying. Yeah, it really sucks what's about to happen, but I also know it'll stop all that's going on and make things better."
"Jay, are you aware that this thing could kill you?! That you could die in surgery?! That even if you get through all of this the five year survival rate is fifty percent?!"
"WILL!" Hailey cried out, the two brothers stopping their arguing to remember their was a third person in all of this. The two of them blinked out of their ranting to turn and look at Hailey was had elbows resting on the table, hands covering her face as the tears and emotions fell out of her. She was a shaking, sobbing mess, her body going limp as she sobbed and allowed the fear and realness of Will's final comments to take over her. Jay was the first to move towards her, sit in the chair next to her and slowly rub her back. Jay glared at Will with laser vision before Hailey found the strength to collapse herself onto Jay, sobbing some more for what felt to be several minutes.
"I'm sorry," he spoke into her ear, trying to relax her and help her get things under control. Will just hung his head in disappoint and shame for putting things where they were right then.
"I don't want to lose you," she spoke into his shoulder when words finally came back.
"I know," was all he could come back with, because in reality he had no clue or control over what was coming next. Will's threats of dying were only just beginning to sink in, the weight of Jay actually dying before getting to the other side seeping into that once pristine and unbreakable shield of his. Because there was truth to a lot of it. This tumor was rare and dangerous and no one knew exactly what was going to happen in the coming weeks. That was when reality started to trickle down into his person: he really was facing life or death here and it was kind of silly of him to think this was going to be a three step process. He had to start analyzing things, start taking inventory and cherishing what he had. In two weeks, life could, and in some cases would, be very different.
"Jay, please just try and see where we're coming from. That's all I ask," Will quietly spoke up, still unable to look either of their ways. Jay could only nod, drifting off into something in the corner of the room as his mind kept racing to things, ideas, now questioning if anything in that room was real or a result of the tumor.
"I'm sorry you guys have to go through all of this. I don't know what's coming next, but I do know that I'll be fine. I just hate to see you guys have to walk through this with me."
"Anything for you, Jay," Hailey spoke, sitting up and away from him before planting a kiss on his cheek. Will nodded in agreement with her statement.
"And we're both going to be there with you, no matter what." Jay nodded, giving Hailey a quick hug before getting up to resume his breakfast making task. It was in the rising from his seat that it happened once more: the death stare. They both did it, seeming to be sending him off to a battle he'd never return from. Oh, Jay still absolutely hated it, but part of him was now beginning to wonder if the look was necessary. Was he going to come back from this? Was he going to be the same person he was or a shadow of himself? What was life going to become when he woke up from surgery? Safe to say he had to get his affairs in order, reevaluate life and take it all in while he still could. It was a very quiet remainder of breakfast, the morning, the entire day. The headache was taking over Jay internally while the monster was suffocating everything around him externally. They were in the thick of processing things now.