Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Build-Up

"Mika-san…Mika-san," I repeated as I headed to the church; I'd gotten careless with everything that had been going on, but I was not going to forget again. "Mika-san…" I continued my new mantra as I stepped up to the front door and knocked. "Mika-san…"

The door opened a minute later. "Ah, Tomoya-san; good morning!"

"Good Mik-er, morning," I replied.

He angled his head slightly, as though to study me. "Are you okay? You seem…distracted."

"I am," I admitted as he stepped aside to let me enter. "I, uh, had a bit of a shock the other night."

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said, then brought me to a stop in the entryway; he seemed a little distracted himself. "Listen, Tomoya-san; I think we can take care of most, if not all, of your issues in one session, but…" he trailed off, crossing his arms with a sigh.

"But what?"

He dropped his arms again and fixed me with his gaze. "I'd need some time to put things together, to set it up. The other thing is that…well, it would likely be awkward for you."

"What do you mean?"

"I really can't say at this point," he said apologetically. "Were I to give you all the details now, it could seriously diminish the effectiveness of the session."

"So this would be a normal session, but…different?"

"Something like that," he chuckled. "I think that, in your case, what I have in mind would be very effective, but I'd need your cooperation for there to be any chance of success."

"And you said it would be…uncomfortable?" I wasn't sure whether I liked his idea or not, especially without knowing anything about it.

"Quite possibly, but were you to cooperate I have every good reason to believe that you would see a lot of growth."

I sighed noisily. "Well, I like the idea of growth, especially if it helps Ushio…"

"If you need some time to think about it, I'll certainly understand," he offered.

"No," I said with a wave of a hand. "Let's do it; I'll just…deal with it."

"All right," he said with a gentle smile. "I'll make the arrangements and let you know. Would you be willing to meet during the week if needed? I'd do my best to schedule it for our usual time, but…"

"That's fine," I said, waving my hand again. "Just…give me a date and a time and I'll figure it out."

"All right. In the meantime, we'll hold off on having any more sessions." A longish pause. "Did you want to talk about Mika? I thought I heard her name when you arrived."

I felt my face heat up as I scratched the back of my head. "Not really, but I probably should."

"Shall we head back outside, then?" he offered as he gestured back toward the entrance. I followed him out the front door and across the street to the now-familiar bench. "So, what's going on?" he asked, adopting a more casual tone as he settled into his usual spot.

I rubbed my hands together as I tried to push my emotions aside and think about what I wanted to say. "It's…I realized the other night – or Mika pointed out, actually – that I'd been using her name without any honorifics."

"Really?" he said, resting his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward. "Did it bother her? And are you aware that you just did it again?"

"Mika-san," I growled. "No, it didn't bother her; in fact she asked me to drop it a little while ago."

"I suppose that makes sense in light of her feelings toward you," he noted quietly. "So, I guess I should ask: Does it bother you?"

"Of course," I replied easily.

"Then why are you doing it?"

"I…I don't know."

"Tomoya-san," he said, leaning back again, "I could be wrong, but I think you're not being honest with yourself."

"What do you mean?"

He steepled his fingers as he thought. "I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that your thoughts and feelings are conflicting, so you're going with how you think you should think or feel."

I mulled over his observation. "You…could be right," I finally had to admit.

"So give yourself a minute; think about what you really feel and what you really think," he suggested. "Close your eyes, if it helps."

I did as he suggested, closing my eyes and looking at my thoughts and feelings as though they were someone else's.

I was slightly startled when the pastor spoke: "Does it bother you that you've stopped calling her 'Mika-san'?"

I sighed. "No, not really."

"Why is that?"

I needed more time for that question. "I think it's because of all the times she's been over to help with dinner, as well as all the times we've talked. I feel…comfortable with her around."

"Anything else?"

"I think it's also because of all the concern she's shown for me; my shoulder and stuff." That answer came more easily. "She studied nutrition to make food that'd help with my recovery."

"Would you say she's invested in you, then?"

"I hadn't thought of that, but…probably, yeah."

"So what really bothers you?"

I came up against a…wall…as I tried to think. "I…I'm having a hard time thinking."

"That's okay," he said, and I felt him gently pat my shoulder a few times. "It's a start, at least. We can do this some more another time, if you want. Really, you could do it on your own if you wanted to; it's not like I'm needed for something like this."

I opened my eyes and looked to him. "You think so?"

"You strike me as a very philosophical individual," he said. "I think all I've done is given you a new tool for your toolbox."

I mulled over his words. "Thanks. I guess I'll try it on my own time, then."

"You have to know where you truly are before you can reasonably expect improvement," he informed me. "You can't get rid of a problem if you don't own it first."

I mulled that over as well. "Yeah, I think I see what you mean."

"Anyway," he said, patting me on the shoulder again, "work on an honest assessment of your thoughts and feelings, and we can talk about this again another time. Sound good?"

"Sounds good," I replied, feeling a smile spread. "Thanks, pastor."

"Glad if I helped," he replied. "Listen; I think we've known each other long enough that you can start calling me 'Jeff' if you would prefer."

I was honored by his gesture, but… "Is that appropriate? After all, you just finished counseling Ushio and I not too long ago."

"I was primarily counseling her," he pointed out. "You were there as a support of sorts." He shrugged. "If you're not comfortable with it, that's fine: I just wanted to let you know that it's an option."

"Okay; I appreciate it."

"Anything else?"

"Oh, right! On Thursday – while the rest of you were stargazing – she, uh…asked me on a date."

His eyes widened. "I thought I heard something about that. Did you accept?"

"Yeah…" I replied awkwardly. "The way she asked me kinda caught me off-guard; she asked if I would be busy tonight, and I assumed she was asking because of her usual visit to make dinner." I paused, half-expecting him to say something, but he was silent so I continued. "Ushio and I didn't have any plans for this evening, and so I told her that. Then she invited me on a date, and…I had a hard time finding a reason to say 'no' without likely hurting her feelings."

He bobbed his head several times in a nod. "I could see that being awkward. Did she invite your daughter as well?"

"No," replied with a shake of my head. "Apparently Mika had already made arrangements with her; she'd come early to make dinner for her and then the two of us would head out."

"Sounds like she had it all figured out," he mused. "That's remarkable forethought. Are you okay with it?"

"Not really," I grunted. "But I don't think she was trying to be sneaky or anything. In any case, I'm going to have to be okay with it, whether I want to be or not."

"And you said your…time together… is tonight?"

All I could give was an embarrassed nod.

"May I pray for you? If we're done here, that is?"

I normally wouldn't have cared one way or the other, but with the way things had been going… "Yeah, if you would."

He studied me intently before reaching out to rest a hand on my shoulder and look up to the sky, so I closed my eyes. "Lord Jesus, I lift up Tomoya-san to you. Please show him what you would have him do in this extremely uncomfortable situation. Bless him with knowledge and wisdom, and reveal to him your plans for his life. Grant him peace with his situation along with clarity. Let your will be done." I felt his hand leave my shoulder, so I opened my eyes again. He studied me for a moment longer before chuckling softly. "I don't envy you your situation, Tomoya-san; you carry the heart of a wonderful young lady in your hands. Please, be as gentle with her as you can."

"I will," I replied, then chuckled as well. "This was really awkward, so…thanks for…not embarrassing me, I guess."

"No problem," he replied easily. "Was there anything else?"

I gave myself a moment to think about it. Finally, I shook my head. "No, I think that's it." I got to my feet and looked up; it was a beautiful day, with small puffy clouds dotting the rich, blue sky. "I think I'll walk for a bit before heading home; I could really use the time to clear my head."

"For what it's worth, I think that's a good idea," he said, getting to his feet and extending his hand. "God be with you, Tomoya-san."

"Uh, thanks," I said; I still wasn't used to his odd sayings, but I accepted his hand to shake it a couple of times. "You have a good day, Pastor Jeff."

"'Pastor Jeff'," he repeated, a smile starting to spread. "I like that. Thank you."

I gave him a half-distracted wave as I headed away from the church and felt bad for it, but I figured he'd forgive me. If not, I'd make sure to apologize if he ever brought it up.

I let my feet carry me wherever they wanted as I turned my gaze inward; it wasn't so much for thinking per se, but for going into my 'nothing box' while my brain sorted and filed away the information from my conversation with Pastor Jeff.

To my surprise, I found myself in front of the Yoshino residence. I looked at the nameplate, then at the front door, then sighed with a smile as I headed up to knock.

"Ah! Tomoya-san! What a pleasant surprise!" Kouko exclaimed when she opened the door. "Come in, come in!"

"I'm sorry for showing up unannounced…again," I said as I followed her into her home. "I actually wasn't planning on coming here in the first place; I just started walking and ended up here."

"Yuusuke would say that happened for a reason," Kouko remarked over her shoulder as she headed toward the doorway that led to the kitchen. "Have a seat and I'll bring you some tea."

"Thank you," I said to her retreating form before settling into the same sofa I'd sat in at my last visit.

Kouko returned a couple of minutes later with a couple of glasses. "I hope you're okay with iced tea; I figured the weather is a little too warm for hot tea."

"No, that's great, thanks," I replied gratefully as I accepted the sweating glass and took a sip. "Ahhh, his is nice."

"Thank you," she replied as she settled into the seat across from me. "Yuusuke's in his office, composing right now. I swear, ever since your last visit he's basically lived in there."

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to take your husband away from you," I said with a smile.

She chuckled softly before taking a sip of her tea. "Actually, I'm really happy for him; I haven't seen him this…alive…in a long time. I'm really looking forward to hearing what he's written."

"Me, too," I said.

I was about to say something else, but the door to the hall that led to Yuusuke's office opened, revealing my old coworker. "Kouko, would you make me some…" He trailed off as he saw me. "Hey."

"Hey."

"I'm writing music again."

"So I've heard. Good for you."

"Thanks."

We stared at each other until we heard a snort, and looked as one to see Kouko with her hand over her mouth. "Good grief, you two. Yuusuke, did you need something?"

"Oh, yeah; could I get some tea, please?"

She smiled fondly at her husband. "Why don't you take Tomoya-san to your office, and I'll bring your tea down there."

"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great. Thank you." He jerked his chin in my direction. "Come on; I think you'll like this."

I got up from my seat to follow him. "Your wife says you've been living in your office since the last time I was here."

"Yeah…" he replied evenly. "After the last time you were here, the melodies and the lyrics just kept coming." He stopped outside the door that, I assumed, led to his office. "It's the love for life, the love for love, the love for existence."

"Of course," I said, not understanding him one bit.

He smiled as he turned and opened the door and went through. "If there's one gift I can give the world, it's the gift to really see the world, all its beauty, all its imperfections…" He took a seat on a stool and picked up his guitar. "…the imperfections help point to the beauty, you know?"

I'd never thought about it, but his words made sense. "It's like a contrast?"

"Sort of," he said while gently strumming the strings. "You might not notice the contrast itself, but the beauty…you definitely see the beauty."

"I guess it makes sense," I said. "I guess if everything was beautiful, it'd be like nothing was beautiful."

He stopped strumming and studied me for a moment. "That's the line I've been looking for." He quickly but carefully put his guitar down to grab a pencil and write on a nearby sheet of paper. "Thanks, man."

My jaw worked for several seconds before I could get my vocal cords to activate. "Y-You're welcome, but I'm not sure what I did."

"You helped me find the answer," he replied in his typically ambiguous way as he retrieved his guitar; I'd never understand artists. "But you didn't come here to co-write with me; you're here because of something else."

I hesitated, unsure of what to tell him. "I…was talking with the pastor this morning and decided to go for a walk afterward. To clear my head I guess. I ended up in front of your home before I realized it."

"Then you're here for a reason," he said simply as he started strumming again, and I smiled inwardly as I remembered Kouko's words from earlier. "So, why are you here?"

"I dunno," I said, scratching my chin.

"Whatever it is, it's about a woman, and I'm not talking about your daughter." My gaze snapped up to his gentle yet knowing smile. "You're a widower who's starting to remember love, but there's something not right about it."

I hung my head in resignation; how did he know? "Yeah, something like that."

"Who is she?"

I sighed heavily. "She's the daughter of a couple of friends of mine."

"Daughter?" His eyebrows jumped. "How old is she?"

"Eighteen."

"And you're how old?"

"Thirty-six, thirty-seven at the end of October."

He gave a low whistle which, oddly enough, sounded nice with whatever it was he was playing. "Young girl, get out of my mind…"

"Sorry?"

He shook his head slightly; how he could keep playing while doing all that had me amazed. "Just an old song I heard a long time ago. Anyway, she's not a 'young girl' but an adult…"

"Legally, yes, but…" I raised my hands in a shrug.

"Yeah…eighteen years…" his eyes got a faraway look in them. "Eighteen years old…new to the real world, new to love; it's scary, you know?"

"I remember," I said, thinking back to my early days with Nagisa.

"So she pursued you?"

"Huh?" I shook my head out of my thoughts. "Uh, yeah. She told me about her feelings at her school's Founder's Festival."

"Hm…" He closed his eyes and music burst forth from his guitar, a melody that made me feel happy and sad at the same time, one that caused me to remember my times in high school, with Kyou and Ryou, and eventually…Nagisa; it nearly left me in tears. "People age and people die, but love? Love has no age."

"But it can die," I said, trying to fight the lull of his music.

"Then was it ever truly love?" he countered, his eyes still closed.

"And that's why I can't remarry," I told him. "I still love Nagisa."

"Of course you do," he said, surprising me. "If you ever stopped then it would have been little more than lust with an air of propriety."

I winced at his choice of words, but they made sense…sort of. "But aren't Nagisa and I still married in spirit or something like that?"

"We're spiritual beings, sure, but as long as we're here we're also muscle and bone and nerves, so we need physical connection," he said, his fingers still dancing over the strings.

"It's not good for man to be alone…" I murmured; Pastor Jeff had said it at one of our get-togethers, but it was starting to make more sense. "But if I remarried, I'd be dishonoring her."

"Would you?" he asked, eyes still closed. "How?"

I didn't have an easy answer to that.

"When your wife was alive, did she want you happy?"

"Of course."

"Do you think she would want you happy now?"

I hesitated, mainly because I wasn't sure I'd heard him right. "I'd like to think so."

"Are you happy now?"

Quite the opposite: I was actually starting to get annoyed. "Look Yuusuke, I respect you more than most. But if you're trying to make a point, then make it."

He stopped playing and opened his eyes to fix his gaze on me. "I'm not trying to make any point; I'm trying to help you think."

"I don't want to think anymore!" I yelled in spite of myself as I jumped to my feet and started pacing. "I'm tired of being hit on by girls young enough to be my daughter! First, Ushio tries to make up for killing her mother, then…no wait; first it was her friend who wanted to date me, and she was fifteen! Fifteen, Yuusuke! Then Ushio tries to make up for killing her mother by seducing me, then some girl from the convenience store flirts with me, then…" My stomach lurched at another memory. "But before all that was our waitress when I took Ushio out for her sixteenth birthday! And now Mika…"

"Damn, Okazaki," I heard him murmur, his fingers stilling. "I'm sorry; I didn't know about all that."

I fell back into my seat with a *WHOUF*. "No, I'm sorry; I shouldn't have blown up at you like that."

"Whether you should have or not, it sounds like you needed to," he intoned as he started tickling the strings again. "You're a good man, Okazaki; I know a lot of guys who would have taken advantage of the situation, but you…"

"I love Nagisa," I said simply. "That's all. But…why is it high-schoolers and middle-schoolers? Do I look that young? Aren't there any…I don't know, older women out there?"

"A lot of them are already married," he replied simply, which helped snap me out of my tirade mindset. "And those who aren't are career women, and you wouldn't want one of those, anyway."

"Why not?"

"They enjoy their independence," he said. "I've seen it, too; they'll use a man for the free meals and stuff, then toss him when they get bored. I'm grateful every day that my wife's not like that."

My heart fell; had society gotten that bad while I was out of the loop? "I…I don't know what to say..."

"Be grateful that you still have your looks," he said with a small smile. "Love is ageless, but it can be immature. But it grows and matures in the right soil." It was weird, but it sounded like he was singing the words.

"Do you think I should date her?" I asked. "The eighteen-year-old?"

"Has she enriched your life?"

I sighed. "Yeah, she has."

He leaned back slightly as he continued to strum. "Do you think she'd bring value to a relationship?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I think whoever she marries will be…be…blessed." I would have said 'lucky', but the pastor's term seemed more appropriate.

His eyebrows jumped just noticeably. "Does she seem willing to grow? As a person, that is?"

I gave myself a moment to think about his question; the answer seemed obvious, but I wanted to make sure I was being fair and unbiased. "She seems eager to learn, actually," I finally replied.

"So what's your real issue with her?" he asked, eyeing me with an unreadable gaze.

"The age difference," I admitted, feeling stupid in light of my other answers. "I guess that, since I want the best for her, she should find someone closer to her age."

"But it sounds like she's already made her choice," he countered. "Does she know how old you are?"

I nodded, feeling very self-conscious.

"So what's your real issue with her?"

I blinked up at his repeated question, but I suddenly realized why he asked again. "I'm my real issue."

"How so?"

I licked my lips at the thoughts started to flow. "She's sure about what she wants; to have a family while she's young and then go to college and find work after they move out. Me? I've just been surviving day-to-day for the last sixteen years, and after wasting my youth. I mean, I've been happy raising Ushio, but at the same time I've felt…lost."

"Lost…" he echoed.

I chuckled humorlessly. "It might sound weird, but…I feel like I wouldn't be good enough for someone like her."

"She seems to think differently," he intoned, his eyes still closed as he slowly rocked in his seat, his fingers never leaving the strings. "She wants to give you a chance."

"Yeah…"

"What about you?"

"Me?" I blinked at his question. "What about me? Are you saying I should give her a chance?"

"No," he replied, then suddenly stopped playing and sat up and opened his eyes to fix his gaze on me. "I'm saying you should give yourself a chance."

"Thanks for letting me visit," I said as I bowed to the Yoshinos. "I…have a lot to think about."

"It was good to see you again, as always," Kouko said with a bow.

"Thanks for stopping by," Yuusuke said as he dipped his head. "Thanks to you, I have a lot of new songs to write."

Kouko looked over at her husband with an expression of surprise before returning her gaze to me. "You two must have had a lot to talk about."

"Not a whole lot, but it was deep," Yuusuke replied as he gave me a wink and a smile. "Make sure to bring your daughter next time, eh?"

"Sure thing," I said, returning his smile. "And I'll try to not pop up on your doorstep from now on."

"Oh, don't worry about that," Kouko gushed as she briefly took hold of my hands. "I'm just glad we can be here for you."

"Me, too," I said with an embarrassed chuckle. "I'll try to invite the two of you over when things settle down."

"Three."

I jumped at the sudden but familiar voice coming from behind me. "H-Hey, Fuuko," I said, trying to slow my heartbeat as I turned around to face her.

"You forgot Fuuko again."

"Fuuko, he didn't mean anything by it," Kouko said in a lightly scolding tone. "You need to stop taking things like that so personally."

Fuuko didn't reply to her older sister's words, but instead addressed me. "Would Fuuko be welcome, too?"

"Of course," I said easily. "I didn't mean to forget you; it's just that your sister and brother-in-law were right here, and you don't live with them, and you and I have only talked a couple of times."

"Oh…right," she replied, looking down at the ground. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," I said while resisting the urge to pat her head. "Anyway, you're welcome to come over, too; I'm sure Ushio would love to see you."

"O-Of course," she said, looking back up at me. "Would…Would Okazaki-san love to see Fuuko, too?"

"W-Well…" I wasn't sure how to answer, especially with her family right there.

Fortunately, Kouko came to my rescue. "Fuuko, he needs to get going; Ushio will be waiting for him."

"O-Of course!" the shorter woman blurted. "Have a good day, Okazaki-san!"

"You too, Fuuko," I replied, a little puzzled by her behavior. "Have a good day." Figuring it was a good time to leave, I gave them a friendly wave and a smile as I headed off.

My conversation with Yuusuke played out in my head over and over again and I was back home before I realized it. "Welcome home, Daddy!" Ushio greeted from her spot at the table. To my surprise, Mika was there already and a quick glance at the clock told me that I'd been out longer than I thought. "Is everything okay? You were out a long time."

"Yeah, everything's fine," I said, wondering if I was telling the truth. "My time with Pastor Jeff went a little longer than we expected, and I wandered around a bit to clear my head."

"Well, I hope you're feeling better," Mika said quietly; she looked a little unsure of herself. "Are…Are you ready to go?"

"Give me a few minutes," I said, chuckling to try to conceal my nervousness.

"Okay," she replied, an awkward smile starting to spread as she glanced at my daughter. "I'll wait."

I hurried away from that smile as quickly as I could and into the bathroom, where I quickly splashed cold water on my face. "What a day…" I mumbled. As I looked back up I caught my reflection in the mirror over the sink. "What the hell have you gotten yourself into, Okazaki?" I grumbled with a shake of my head.

As I lifted my hands to shake them out before drying them I saw they were already shaking, and I stared at them stupidly before I noticed that my anxiety level was really high. I clasped my hands to make them stop shaking but they wouldn't stop. Why was I so nervous-no, afraid? I tried to take a step back and look at my thoughts and feelings like Pastor Jeff had talked about earlier, but my stress was messing with my focus. "What is your problem?" I growled at my reflection, and then one possibility came to mind: I was afraid of being labeled a 'pervert'… "No," I mused, shaking my head. "I'm afraid that I might find out that I actually am a pervert."

But how was I the pervert? Mika had pursued me, after all; if I'd been the one to pursue her, hanging out at the high school and the like, then it'd be more likely that I was a pervert. "Let's just get this over with," I finally decided. "I'll deal with all this later." I risked a glance upward, where the pastor usually looked when he prayed. "If you're there and it wouldn't be a bother, help me out here?" With that, I splashed my face one more time before drying off and heading to my room.

I entered the living room a few minutes later, having changed into different clothing appropriate for the time of day. "All right, Mika; I'm as ready as I'm going to be. Do you need me to bring anything?"

"No, thank you," she said as she got to her feet and held out a Frisbee. "Ushio-san was kind enough to loan me this, and I already have our…the picnic meal packed."

"A-All right, then," I said, glancing over at my daughter's amused expression. "Let's go. See you between six-thirty and seven-o-clock, sweetie."

"Okay, Daddy," she replied, her grin threatening to take over her face. "Have a good time."

"Y-Yeah," I said as I scooted to the door, where Mika stood waiting. "Thanks."

I felt Mika's gaze on me as I changed into my outdoor shoes, and when I straightened, she had an excited look along with a flush to her cheeks. "Ready to go?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Lead the way," I replied as I tried to ignore a gnawing in my gut.