Chapter 4- Merry Pre-Op and Happy Headaches
"Can you not push it so much?" Hailey rolled her eyes, flooring the gas pedal that much harder. Jay shut his eyes, doing everything in his power to not lash out or say anything that he'd all too soon try to back out. His right foot was instinctively pressing into the floor of the passenger side of the truck hard, like he was braking with an imaginary brake trying to get Hailey to slow down. It was almost comical, watching a person who very much likes to be in control of the driving being forced to sit and watch someone else drive their baby. Hailey was soaking it all in, thoroughly enjoying the playful teasing.
"Hailey, I'm really trying to keep this civil and argument free. Can you please slow down?" Jay was practically panting now, hands glued together as he prayed, or begged, her to take things down a notch. They weren't exactly late or on their way to a scene, so there really wasn't a point in going as fast as they were. If nothing else, it was Hailey just flexing the muscles of the truck.
"Fine, fine. Because you asked so nicely," she calmly spoke, lightly pressing the brakes so that they were at a more casual pace. Still kind of fast, but casual nonetheless.
"This really sucks that I can't drive."
"Well that's what happens when you're on seizure watch. No driving for a couple more weeks. Did you take you meds, by the way?"
"Yes, yes I did. And the headache stuff. I'm a big boy and can remember all of that." It had been just a little over a week since the news broke and life fell out from under them. Yet in that small timespan things were trending in a more normal pattern. Will stopped by two days in a row before finally giving Jay some space, Hailey returned to work that Monday after—reluctantly we should add—which left Jay stuck at home alone with nothing but his thoughts and time to do whatever he desired. First couple days he slept and dealt with more headaches, but by the end of day three he was walking laps around the block, taking things slow and occasionally popping into places and getting things like iced coffee and treats. It was a very unusual thing for him to do at 3pm, but he couldn't stand the silence and white noise that came with being all alone. It's one thing to choose living on your own, but it's a whole other thing to feel lonely. That's where he was. There wasn't dread or fear or hatred for what was happening in his life or what was to come. It was the very real truth that he was lonely. He was the only one that was going to go into that OR. It would just be him waking up from major brain surgery and having to deal with all the side effects and post-op events. He was the only one living with a deadly brain tumor in his head. Everyone around him could feel for him and be there to help, but at the end of the day it was just him in this whole thing and it was only him who could truly feel what he was feeling.
When Hailey got home one night Jay finally let it all out, everything that had been bottled up inside. He told her his feeling of loneliness, the fear over what would come after surgery and the potential for the thing coming back. Yes, he also made the terrible mistake of looking up what an anaplastic astrocytoma is. He was bored and curious, so it's hard to fault him. But the reading of the fact it was a higher grade tumor and was almost impossible to fully remove during surgery and that radiation and chemo were almost guaranteed to be in his future, truly scared him. Now surgery seemed to be just step one in a very lengthy process. Certainly, it was a very big step, but that looked to be the first of many very big things. As quickly as he was curious to know, he was immediately kicking himself for thinking this would all go away in a few weeks. And so he told all of this to Hailey, telling her his deepest and most honest thoughts. It was almost an all-nighter conversation, but one that ended with the two of them agreeing to keep things as normal and typical as they could. There was nothing they could do about life after December 23rd. Surgery had to take place and they were going to deal with all of that when it arose. But between now and then, Jay wanted life to be as normal and everyday as they could make it. If these were his last days as a typical person with no limitations, he wanted to go into that OR knowing he didn't drastically alter things for a maybe. So for instance, attending Trudy's Christmas party. It was debated whether he should go, if the noise or chaos that came with everyone getting together would be too much for him. After all, he was still recovering from a seizure episode and hadn't been cleared to really do anything. But it was ultimately decided to move forward with attending. It was a normal thing and if Jay didn't know his diagnosis then he would absolutely be going. So plans were made, events were calmed down to just dinner at Trudy's house, and things went forward. They never told Jay things were scaled down on his behalf nor did they tell him the unofficial theme of the night: the last supper. It would be too much for him and they knew he'd insist they don't alter a thing for him. But, as long as he never found out, there was no harm in anything.
"They all know, right?!"
"Yes, I told them on Monday when I got back to work."
"Okay good," Jay sighed.
"The last thing I wanted to do was have to ruin Christmas for them by spilling that out tonight." Hailey smirked, giving Jay's shoulder a quick pat before turning back to the road.
"Don't worry. I've got you covered. They do know and I also told them you'd love nothing more then for this to be completely cool and normal. So hopefully there won't be too many tears or freak outs."
"You didn't have to tell them that."
"But I did, because I'm looking out for you. Now, did you bring the gifts?" Jay held up the stack of white envelopes. As predicted, stores had absolutely nothing so it was gift cards or a bunch of IOUs.
"All ready to go!"
"Perfect, because we're pulling up," Hailey announced as they rounded the final turn and tried to find a parking spot close to the house.
"Please watch the curb, don't scrape the tires," Jay mumbled under his breath. Hailey just rolled her eyes once more before landing a spot and backing in with enough finesse and precision that even the strictest driving school instructor would be impressed.
"Well," she asked as she shut the truck off? Jay got out first, inspected things with a very fine eye before sighing, giving her a thumbs up that she passed.
"That's it," she teased?! Jay rounded to the driver's side, opening the door and holding out a hand.
"You did amazing. I'm so proud," he spoke with his best excited face and sarcastic tone. Hailey grabbed the envelopes before taking his hand, allowing him to help her out.
"Well thank you." Jay closed the truck door before offering Hailey an arm to lean on and she obliged. She enjoyed the warmth of him, the strength in guiding her to the sidewalk, just the two of them being arm and arm and enjoying this moment of Christmas magic.
"Just think, in a week or so the roles will be reversed."
"Hailey," Jay sighed.
"Oh come on, you're gunna need help walking around. Come on. It'll be so romantic. Strolling a hospital hallway, you resting on me as we look at whatever Christmas lights Northwestern puts on the walls or the trees they set up."
"Hailey.."
"-Oh you need to chill, Jay. It's all in good humor." Jay squeezed her in tighter, nodding before looking out at the light filled world in front of him.
"Sure, it'll be so nice," he played along with.
"What'll spoil the moment is Will telling us to slow down or just him bugging me about everything." Hailey laughed.
"Yeah, that kind of ruins the visual," she agreed, the two of them taking a minute to observe the handiwork of Trudy Platt's Christmas decorations. She always swore that she loved the holidays, how it made her so happy and she went all out. But to actually see it all was a whole other thing and truly added a new dimension to her. It appeared that she bought out the entire Christmas market light section, there was very little space that wasn't covered by lights or cords or some elaborate Christmas decoration. She had one of those houses you had to drive by each year, one of those houses that always made one wonder how long it took to put together and how much the light bill was. Jay and Hailey just stood there in awe and great surprise and joy. It was very magical and very happy, two words you'd never use to describe Trudy Platt. They were so mesmerized by things that they didn't see her waving in the window, didn't budge till she yelled at them from the doorway.
"Hey you two! Come inside it's freezing!" Jay looked to Hailey as she gave him a quick smirk before taking that first step towards Trudy and the booming Christmas music behind her.
"Welcome, welcome!" She immediately wrapped Hailey in a hug before bopping a hand on her shoulder, telling her to hurry in. Jay just stood behind her, waiting for the speech and the stare that he knew was coming. It was the first time everyone was seeing him since the seizure episode and since they all found out, so he knew it was all coming. He just hoped and prayed it wasn't over the top.
"How are you feeling," she began?
"Good. Tired but I'm good." Without warning she just about jumped him, giving him the tightest hug he'd ever received in his life, air quickly leaving his lungs and nothing coming back in. Okay, maybe it wasn't that much…but you get the idea.
"Well, I just want you to know that we're all thinking of you and we're all here for you and if you need anything, and I mean anything: someone to bring you somewhere, food, medication refills, a midnight slurpie, anything! We're totally here for you." So, it wasn't quite the sappy farewell speech he had in his mind, but it was very Trudy Platt. Jay nodded.
"Thanks, Sarge," he spoke, backing out of the hug so he could shiver against the below freezing temps.
"Jay, it's Trudy now. You can call me Trudy when we're outside of work."
"Eh, that would be too weird." She smiled, ushering him in through the front door and into a chorus of greetings and hugs. It wasn't weird at all, getting back together. They all fell back into their normal banter, the ease and enjoyment in just seeing each other once more. Of course they all had questions and Jay was more than happy to answer as best he could. It was all feeling as normal as it could, like striking up a symphony in the middle of a sinking Titanic. The iceberg was known, things were about to go all chaotic, and yet they found peace and happiness in the middle of it all. But it was in the call to dinner and the slow march to the table that the looks started, the death stares going all up around him. Indeed, this was the last supper for one of them: him. As much as they tried to dance around the topic, they all knew, he knew, things were never going to be the same again. It put a damper on his night for sure. But even still, he tried his best to shake it off and enjoy things.
…
"Oh wow, I wonder what this is," Trudy joked in her slightly drunken, deliriously happy state. It took till the second giver of gifts that it was all figured out: all had waited till the last minute to buy gifts and all had the single option of gift cards. The other running joke was that the cards were for restaurants, movie theaters, Top Golf, things none of them would be able to do in the coming future.
"Oh wow, I hope this is still good when I retire," all joked as they opened the gift cards one at a time. What was supposed to be this moment of sentimental giving and just a good time of dishing things out to people they saw everyday had dwindled down to echelons of laughter, red faces, and realizing how overworked they all were. Everyone should be allowed one night each week where they could just be people, normal citizens doing normal things. But then again, that wasn't the life they chose to lead and they thoroughly enjoyed what they did. But every now and then a break would be amazing.
"Jay, you're sure I can't get you anything? Coke, eggnog, rum, anything," a very tipsy Trudy asked as she found strength in her wobbling legs, rising to gather up empty glasses.
"I'm really good. But thank you. I have blood work in the morning so it's best to stick to the water," Jay said as he downed the final couple drops of water, passing of his glass to Trudy as she found her way to the kitchen.
"You have blood work tomorrow," Kim quietly asked? Almost as if she knew she wasn't supposed to ask but curiosity was getting the better of her.
"Yeah, it's just for pre-op. They want to make sure I'm still healthy enough for surgery…which is a bit ironic given what it's for," Jay spoke, trying is very best to both ease the worry and make them all believe he was totally fine. In all honesty that part was scaring him the most out of the whole things. Paperwork he could sign in his sleep and for surgery he'd actually be asleep. It was the thought of being awake and having to watch someone take a lot of blood out of him that was never, ever going to sit right. Call him crazy, given everything else that was going to happen, but it was what it was.
"Are you nervous yet?" Jay slowly inhaled, finding himself at a bit of a conundrum: to tell them the full honesty or to just give them what they want to hear. Because honestly he was super scared, but it wasn't keeping him up at night. Certainly he was concerned and a little antsy to just get the thing over with, but he wouldn't call himself nervous or scared.
"Um…here and there. When you start to think about everything, it can be overwhelming, but overall I'm doing okay with it."
"Well, props to you. I wouldn't be able to get out of bed," Kim spoke back.
"Sorry, not to make you feel bad or anything. But.."
"-It's not news you get everyday," Jay cut in. Kim reluctantly nodded. Jay shrugged.
"It happened. It'll be fine guys. In no time I'll be back up there…kicking all your asses." That one got very valiant efforts of encouragement, followed by the death stare all around. It was now starting to piss him off, Hailey noting the very slight changes in his person: the slow head nod, the bit of silence from him, looking down at the floor. He was uneasy and not at all okay with being treated like a victim. But the truth was they had no clue what things were going to look like in eight days, what was going to be Jay's life then and where things were going to go. He had well intentions and high hopes, but at the end of the day the monster in his head knew what was going to happen and how well it responded. So against what the outside world wanted, nothing was certain till the internal did the final talking. And that was truly upsetting Jay, having to give up control to something that was currently killing him. But it was the only way out. He just had to hope and pray his stubbornness and good luck fell back on his good graces.
"Speaking of pre-op, we should probably go. You've gotta be there at 9 and we've got to work all through downtown to get there."
"Oh yeah, you should already be asleep."
"No, I'm fine," Jay immediately shot Hailey's way, trying to fool her into thinking he was fine with this line of talking, but there was no getting past her.
"Jay," she lovingly yet sternly threw his way. It was the look of listen because she knew best right then.
"Hey man, take it from me. Listen to whatever she says," Adam joked.
"Oh yes, because you're the relationship expert," Jay joked back. Adam threw out a eye roll before Kim spoke up.
"We should probably go too. Makayla's babysitter has school in the morning and I promised we wouldn't keep her out forever." Jay did his final scan of everyone, fully realizing this was the final time. He wasn't coming back to work and there was no promise of meeting up before surgery. They were eight days out from that day and Jay had been basically ordered to stay home except for pre-op. So looking around the room now was certainly a case of very mixed emotions. They all were so happy, so at peace, everyone just enjoying each other's company and enjoying this joyous season of life. It's how things were supposed to be. If he had his say on when the final look would be, he would've picked some insane case as his send out. But this moment in Trudy's place, all of them in ugly Christmas sweaters with quiet piano Christmas music in the background, all drowning in gift cards and alcohol, it was pretty good runner up to his idea. Gosh he hated to leave them all like this, march off into the unknown with absolutely no idea when the time would be, if it would ever happen again. But that was the big risk of all this: take care of the monster so you can enjoy many more years of times like these. Sacrifice the present to provide yourself a more hopeful future. And that, he was going to have to be okay with, accept over the coming eight days. So as Hailey tugged on his sleeve, watching him stifle a yawn as she stood up, she leaned in his ear and whispered.
"Come on, I know you don't want to do this. But we've got to say goodbye." Unlike the first time around, there was not a dry eye in their talks with Jay. One by one, they all lined up to say their final piece, seriously no one making it through their little speech without choking up at some point. But soon the line of people ended and all watched as the two of them walked out the front door and back to the car. Jay couldn't turn around, knowing he'd completely lose it if he did. He was quite proud of himself to keeping it all together as they all talked, but having to actually see they were still there and still sending off was going to be the thing that took him over the edge. He helped Hailey get into the driver's side before rounding the back to get into the passenger seat.
"Well, that was kind of awful," he spoke once the door was totally shut.
"I saw that you weren't thrilled with the conversation."
"Yeah…thanks" he quietly spoke, eyes glued to whatever was right in front of them. Hailey pulled away, the two of them sitting in silence for most of the ride.
"I hate saying goodbye," was the only thing he said the entire ride home. Hailey nodded, still looking out at the road as they rolled along.
"It won't be forever Jay. You'll see them again. It'll be quick." Jay had no clue how she was able to say that with a straight face, or how she somehow knew this would all work out smoothly. There was just too many unknowns, but then again he wasn't up for a fight or serious discussion about his future. He had an issue, he was getting it fixed. That was his mantra all the way to the OR. They pulled into the apartment parking garage some twenty minutes later, Jay walking alongside Hailey as the two of them were arm in arm once again, trying to get to the front door before Jay totally passed out.
"You're looking really exhausted," Hailey spoke as Jay unlocked the front door. He nodded, allowing her in first before he entered the premise, his own little prison he told himself.
"I am. But I'm not completely exhausted just yet," he smirked, holding out a hand. She knew what was coming next, yet another thing they discussed that long night a couple days ago. If Jay woke up from surgery with zero memory of anyone or anything, he wanted to make the most of the nights of remembrance he had left. And the two of them were all in for making it as magical and perfect as they could. For the next hour it was all about making love and good, solid memories, only stopping when Jay announced he had to pass out right then and there. Against the coldness of the outside world, underneath those sheets were two bodies entangled and embracing each other; holding onto whatever last shroud of normal life they could grab a hold of.
…
They practically slid into that waiting room just as the clock switched over from 8:59am to 9am. It wasn't Jay or Hailey's fault, this time it was totally on Will. He was running fifteen minutes late because of traffic, or so he said, so that created a domino effect of everything else. Traffic was backed up by that much, getting around town took that much longer, and their budgeted time for exploring things a little and casually finding a parking spot was totally scratched. Will just about threw his car keys at the valet as Jay rolled out of the truck like he was pulling up to a firefight and Hailey was fast on his heels. They were all lacking in caffeine, calmness, sense of where they were, and all were a little ticked at Will for putting them in this place. This time next week, they couldn't pull up late. Today was supposed to be a trial run for how things would work the day of surgery and thus far, they were failing on a lot of counts.
"Name," the receptionist behind the deep counter with her way too smiley face and high pitched voice asked. Jay was completely out of breath and seriously trying to hold back his pissed off state at everything as he spoke.
"Halstead, Jay Halstead." And in that instant all drama and chaos from the mere seconds before vanished, because in entered a new wave of things: reality. For days now it had all been talk and ideas and schemes, but as he was now telling someone his name at a neurological wing of a major hospital, it was almost like ripping off the bandaid of reality. Jay Halstead really was preparing to have brain surgery and he totally did have a massive tumor residing in his skull. Part of him was waiting for the cheery lady behind the counter to furrow her brow and say that there was some mix up, his name wasn't in the system or that he didn't need to be there at all. But it was in the handing over of the clipboard and general information sheet that it truly started sinking in. He did need all of this and this was truly happening. Will and Hailey were too busy talking about how to improve things the next time to see the slight shift in Jay's demeanor, but it was absolutely there. The slow grab for the clipboard, the once totally fine facial expression changing a little to shock and fear, the truth was beginning to inch it's way into Jay.
"You're here for pre-op, right," the lady asked? Jay could only nod, he just didn't have it in him right then to verbally confirm things.
"Okay. Just fill that out and bring it back to me when you're done."
"Thanks," Jay mumbled under his breath, not alerting his posse that he was on the move or trying his very best to act cool around people anymore. For goodness sakes, he was a week out from surgery. The time for acting was over. He was officially nervous.
"You okay," Will quietly asked as a very ghostly looking Jay took a seat, head right down at the piece of paper he had to fill out. He was so consumed with remembering basic things like his full name, birthdate, and allergies that he didn't hear Will the first or second time he asked. Only when Will touched him did he look up, and even then it was a full flinch that nearly knocked Will out.
"Whoa, Jay. You need to calm down."
"I'm fine, Will," he was quick to shoot back.
"Tell that to your face. You look like you're about to puke," Will was quick to slap back. Hailey smirked, gently rubbing Jay's back exactly twice before letting go. They all knew the truth, but this was neither the time nor place to dive deep into the depths of Jay's true thoughts. The odds of it all coming up soon were there, but for the time being they tried their best to keep it light. For the next handful of minutes Jay filled out his form, returning it to the bright eyed and super eager girl behind the counter, getting a full fledged, ear to ear grin and 'thank you' for bringing things back so quickly. Her final sendoff to Jay was that he'd be called back soon, which did absolutely nothing to lift his spirits or bring him any kind of comfort. He wanted nothing more then to turn around, go back home, fall into bed and live under the sheets for the rest of time. His head was starting to hurt, he was exhausted and hungry and really not ready to face all of this right now. But who was he kidding. The second he got home he'd be kicking himself for chickening out over this whole thing. Again, he knew he had an issue, he was getting it fixed, that was it.
"Hey, if you want emotional support we're more then willing to go back there with you," Will offered as Jay returned to his seat. Jay thought about it for a moment, but shook his head in time.
"No, this is my thing. I can handle it. But thank you."
"You sure," Hailey asked?
"Yeah, I'll be fine guys. Thank you." Hailey did her best to provide an encouraging face, Will nodding before he pulled out his phone and began to entertain himself; Hailey choosing a magazine from the very large stack. Jay chose to take his time to examine his current location, confirming that it was all a little too much. He wasn't one to properly examine and provide pointers on neurosurgery waiting room decor, but with his very limited experience he thought it all needed to be toned down a little. Starting with the way too happy people and the loud, bright colors to the place, ending at the upbeat elevator music playing overhead. For Jay, it was all a little too peppy, a little too encouraging and jovial for what was actually going on in the rooms past the mysterious white door. He got where everyone was coming from, trying to be that happy spot in the middle of terrible things. But he hated the facade and masking of reality. Real, deep, dark things were happening here. People's lives were being changed drastically and permanently. So to think a smile and yellow splash here and there would cure things kind of threw him off and upset things just a bit. But then again, this was his tumor riddled mind speaking so he really had no place to talk or even think what he was thinking. But that wasn't going to stop him from leaning over and trying to whisper all of this to Will.
"This is all too much," he spoke just above mouthing, scratching an itch on his head as he spoke.
"What?! Does your head hurt? Why are you touching it," Will threw back in a rapid fire way. Jay rolled his eyes, foregoing any kind of speaking. He took it as a sign to shut his mouth, using the final moments of waiting and hesitation to look around once more. It was a lot, but it was his place in the world right then. He hoped visits to this place would be limited to today and then a couple times in the post-op world. He had no intention of making this a frequently traveled to location.
"Jay," cracked through the waiting room door before he could form his next thought. A nurse in navy blue scrubs, holding an iPad in hand and an almost impatient complexion looked around the room for the owner of said name. It wasn't that hard to find him, it was seriously just the three of them in that waiting room. Jay began his rise to a stand, looking back at Will and Hailey who nodded, Will pointing for Jay to move forward.
"Good luck," he said as Jay took his first step.
"We'll go get coffee when you're done," Hailey sent him off with.
"Hopefully it won't take too long," Jay bid farewell with. And here was where the rubber was getting to meet the road, the plane was taxing away from the gate. They weren't to the runway just yet, but he was finally on the move to his destination. There was no turning back now, no time to reverse his course. He had a problem, he was making plans to get it fixed, it was all going to be okay. It had to be. Willingly and as confidently as he could, he followed the nurse through the doorway, allowing her to guide him into an exam room. He heard the waiting room door close behind the two of them, almost like the past and denial were being sealed shut. He was in it now. Hello, reality. It was coming at him fast.
Blood work went down about as long as it took to sit on the extra crunchy, crinkled paper that never made sense, nor did the whole random table it sat on top of. Jay made it as far as walking into the standard doctor's office exam room and taking a seat before things got underway.
"Which arm do you want," the nurse asked, placing the IV kit on a little rolling table next to Jay, inching it closer and closer to him as his eyes went wide. He was so consumed with the representations of things and what all everything meant that he had zero mental time to anticipate the blood work part of this whole day. For a couple moments he stumbled over his words, puffs of air coming first before a valiant 'right arm' whisper fell out of his mouth. The nurse didn't seem to mind that he was scrambling for strength, willpower to not pass out or crumble into a ball of fear, instead just unpacking everything and wrapping the dark blue rubber band thing around his forearm. She wiped the alcohol pad along the chosen vein, a very solid and good one right below the bend of his elbow, Jay's breathing ticking upwards just a bit as the needle was unsheathed from it's holder, getting lined up with where it was going to enter.
"You have great veins," she remarked as the needle dipped below his skin and into the spoken of vein, Jay flinched before doing his best to relax.
"Oh really?!"
"Yeah, you're a super easy stick." That one Jay just about passed out over, swallowing through closed eyes as the nurse clipped the first of many vials into the blood drawing port. He felt one, two, four of the vials go in and out before he dared to open his eyes again. The good news was that the nurse was quick, knew exactly what to do and was making it all seem so simple. The bad news was that the needle was still in his arm.
"So how many of these are we doing," Jay asked the door as the seventh one was clicked into place.
"Just one more."
"And how long till results?!"
"Oh, you'll get a phone call from us by this afternoon. This is really just a formality. You're blood work looked great last week so we just don't want to get any surprises. But you're on the surgical schedule for next week and everything is ready to go. So don't hold your breath on this. You'll be just fine." Just as she finished speaking the needle was super quick to spring out from under his skin, things flying so fast Jay didn't even realize it all was over till the cotton ball was pressed into his arm and the extra sticky, blue bandaid was wrapped around his arm. Jay nodded, taking a quick glance over at the little basket that was holding his dark blood, now on the verge of puking. Honestly the thought of drinking coffee was enough to make his stomach turn over. How he was going to get through brain surgery and all the recovery that came with that was beyond him at this point. The only saving grace was that he'd be so out of it that he probably wouldn't care all that much. Thank goodness for strong drugs and whatever other side effect was going to come with all of this.
"Good morning, Jay! You made it through the blood draw," Dr. Heart greeted. Jay perked up at the happy, delighted, hopeful tone that was in her today. Just like last week, she was housing a large wad of gum in her mouth and the same dark blue scrubs from last week were present. But this time the wheelie sneakers were swapped out for regular Nike's and her hair was pulled up in a very high and tight ponytail. The woman still radiated natural beauty, some kind of light and hope that Jay could never figure out how it all was permanent. He smiled back at her, instantly at ease with whatever was coming next. Sure, they were about to get into all the details about surgery, but she just gave off this presence that all would be okay. No matter the outcome, Jay would come through and be alright. So let the talking commence.
"Oh, do you have a blood phobia," the nurse asked, literally stopping right in her motion of things as the surgeon graced the room and moved to find her swivel stool.
"Needle," Jay finished, face reddening as the nurse profusely apologized.
"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! I had no idea! I feel terrible. Had I known I wouldn't have done things so quickly and so sudden. I'm so, so sorry!" Dr. Heart laughed, rolling her eyes as she got everything pulled up.
"Hayden, don't apologize at all. He's a big boy who needs to come to terms with needles. It certainly won't be his last."
"She has a point," Jay cut in.
"Well, I'm so sorry again. I hope I didn't make things worse." Jay shook his head.
"Not at all. No need to apologize." Hayden was quick to finish her work up, both she and the surgeon going over things for a brief moment before they went their ways. Jay thumbed the bandaid on his arm too much to hear what they were saying, nor did he think it was his place to overhear. Sure, it was his blood and it was his tests, but he was starting to learn that the less he knew the better. Dr. Heart eventually closed the door, returning to the stool and pulling it close to the iMac set up that was along the wall closest to where Jay was sitting. As she downloaded all of Jay's chart and got all the scans pulled up, she began her routine of easing the patient into things. It was a lot that was about to be gone over, she wanted to get their full attention before she got her speech underway.
"So, a week since I saw you and week before we get started, how are we feeling right now?" Jay wasn't totally sure how to answer this, and certainly not right away. There was so much that had happened, plenty of big and little life things that were always happening that he couldn't sum it up in one of two words. Honestly he needed like an hour of just distressing and letting it all out to truly put things into terms. He watched as the scan came onto the big screen, a little pleased with himself that it wasn't as daunting and harrowing as it was last time. Again, it was amazing what time and truth did for things. Oh, the monster was very much still real and at the forefront of every waking moment of his, but there was hope that things were getting fixed. Quite literally he was sitting in a room with the very person that was going to save him, so that helped tremendously.
"You want the full truth."
"That would be ideal," she joked, diving deeper and deeper into the scan in front of her.
"It's been tough…for them. Me, I've had my moments where it's all overwhelming and like…completely suffocating. But for them it's been really, really tough. A lot of late night talks, a lot of just talking and processing and tear shedding. It's been a huge shock to the system really. But I don't think I've totally freaked out yet. I'm trying to just see it as a problem and that it's getting fixed. But when you start to piece little things together like coming here and confirming the appointment, that started to put the emotional side on. So…yeah. It's been a lot."
"Well, if this helps at all, it's usually the family or friends or people around the patient that get hit the hardest. It's hard for them to watch, to see their person go through something like this and there's nothing they can do to stop or make it all better. It's a really sucky thing life throws at you and there's nothing worse then just sitting back and watching someone else help or watching a drug do it's thing and hoping it all works. The other part is that they feel guilty for not seeing the signs or that they didn't say something sooner."
"Yeah, I think that's a very big part of it. They kept hinting that things might be something else but I insisted that it all was fine. That it was all just cluster headaches. Because…"
"-It's next to never a tumor, and certainly not like the one that you have," Amelia finished. Jay nodded, swallowing the emotions as he watched the scans flip over to one he'd never seen before.
"What's that," he asked, trying to turn things back to the issue and not his deepest feelings. That was never a subject he was going to dwell on for long.
"This is another kind of MRI they did. It's just a more in depth look at things."
"So is it this an AA tumor?" Amelia confidently nodded.
"We haven't done a biopsy yet and we'll do it during surgery, but the pattern and symptoms and spread of it is classic, very classic for an AA tumor. I mean, if you want to go through another brain surgery just to confirm we can, but I tend to want to keep my patient's surgery list at one."
"Yeah, that would be ideal," Jay joked back, watching the surgeon's face smirk before she finally peeled herself away and looked at him.
"Jay, there is no right or wrong way to go about dealing with things like this. I have some patients that I cannot console. They're a complete emotional mess from the moment they find out till sometimes when they're on their way to the OR. And then you have the people that never cry, don't even bat an eyelash. They want to schedule things the next day and just get the whole thing done and over with."
"So where do I land on the spectrum?"
"Exactly where you need to land. Jay, I think you're in a very good headspace for all of this right now. Forgive my terrible wording of things." Jay smirked, nodding for her to move on.
"But it's all a process and I'm very happy to hear that you are talking about all of this and I'm glad you and your brother and fiancé, right?!" Again, more nods from Jay.
"I'm glad you all are having those talks and working through this whole thing together. You're never going to be excited or totally ready for a surgery like this. No one is. It's a huge life adjustment, both in the immediate and long term. But it's going to save your life. I don't mean that in an exaggerated way at all. Seriously this tumor is slowly and successfully killing you so your life truly depends on it. But, you've come to the right person and the right place and I think, despite being where we are in the progression of things, you're in a very good spot to start this whole journey of becoming tumor free. That is always my goal and I think with the plan I have we can get there." Jay nodded, looking down at his lap as he spoke.
"Yeah…thanks." Amelia placed a hand on his leg, waiting till he looked up at her to speak once more.
"Are you ready to hear the plan?" Jay took a moment to think, contemplating if this was another crossroads moment and if he had anything other option. He didn't. So he nodded for her to begin.
"Okay, so your tumor is an anaplastic astrocytoma. It is located on your frontal and temporal lobes of the brain. Thus explaining your seizure episode, the headaches, the memory problems, small personality changes and tiredness. All of that is largely controlled by these areas of the brain. It looks like the base of this tumor is on the frontal lobe and has spread to the temporal. Now, here's the first good news in all of this. Given where the tumor is and the ability for me to access it, I don't see where you'll need an awake operation." Jay quite literally let out a huge sigh of relief, chuckling the relief out before he looked back at the screen.
"Oh thank God. I read that that's really common and I was super convinced that was going to be the only option."
"You Googled didn't you," she jokingly asked. Jay nodded with some amount of guilt as he shrugged his shoulders.
"I got really bored last week and yes, against your advisement I Googled a little."
"Well, it's not the end of the world that you did, but it certainly doesn't ease worried minds does it?"
"Not in the least," Jay was quick to confirm. Amelia rolled her eyes, cracking a smile before she went back to waving the mouse around the area of tumor as she spoke.
"I try to not put my patients through awake operations. You aren't in pain but just the thought and memory of being awake while your brain is being operated on tends to make people quite nervous."
"I can't imagine why," Jay joked, satisfied that he made his surgeon fully laugh. This was amazing, they were talking about brain surgery like it was a morning talk over coffee. This is the level of good Amelia was.
"So I only do that when it's absolutely necessary and there's no other option for them. But, things have advanced so much in recent years that we now use a lot of other devices and techniques to prevent you from being awake. I personally would love my patients to know that they're going to fall asleep in the OR and stay that way till everything is done. So, for your particular surgery we're going to use a dye that will help the tumor light up under fluorescent lights and we're also going to use motor mapping while you're under. Basically we're going to stick a whole bunch electrodes on your body and we'll test the reflex and responses to see if things are still intact as we are working in certain areas. Finally, we'll also be using a special MRI to help us get a full, perfect picture of the tumor within your brain and that will help us avoid as much healthy and important tissue as we work to get this thing out of there."
"Sounds like a lot."
"It is, but I don't foresee there being any issues with this. We kind of lead the way in these techniques and methods and we've gotten pretty good at it. So do not lose any sleep over the possibility of having to be woken up during surgery. It's just not going to happen."
"How long does this all take? I read it's like five to seven hours?" Amelia nodded, putting all the scans away as she went to pull paperwork out of Jay's chart.
"I would say lean more on the seven hour side of things. It's a very intricate and labor intense operation, given how big yours is and all that we have to do to get as much out of there as possible, it's gunna take some time. So the surgery itself will probably be close to that seven hour mark. But you also have to add in prep time and then closing everything back up and getting you ready to be moved to recovery and ICU and all of that, so add a couple more hours onto that. It's a long day for everyone." Jay nodded, feeling that knot in his throat once more. Seven, nine, however many hours his head would be opened, poked all over, and cut before things were hopefully yanked out and then all stitched up once more. It was terrible that he was trying to visualize all of this, which only made the anxiety and dread spike that much more.
"Stop visualizing it," she spoke right at him, again seeming to be reading his mind. Jay shook his head, loudly exhaling as he looked right at his surgeon.
"Hey, you'll be asleep for the whole thing. To you it'll be the blink of an eye. Just focus on that."
"Okay," Jay spoke, her words not really helping.
"Alright, so this is the paperwork. Basically it is approving me to perform a standard craniotomy with the goal of removing as much of that tumor as I can. It'll be under general anesthesia and you'll be asleep the entire time and should take the amount of time I already discussed. Sign on the bottom part of the page." A pen was flicked into his hand, Jay hesitating to take it, but soon did and signed away.
"And this is saying that we are allowed to provide a blood transfusion in the event that you need one. It's very uncommon but on the off chance, we like to cover our bases." Jay nodded, taking the pen back in his hand and signing away. Part of him was wondering how he could sign this stuff so quickly and without much thought. Jay told himself it was the tumor talking, trying to get him to back out of all of this; that none of it was necessary and they all were overreacting. Good Lord, he was starting to sound like Will.
"Now this is probably the trickiest part of this whole thing: do you have a living will?" Jay's eyes went wide on that one. A living will, he hadn't heard this one in quite some time. Just the mention of a will throwing him completely off his calm pedestal and into a whirlwind of emotions, questions, nothing great.
"A will? Why?!" Amelia was a little hesitant to answer, knowing there wasn't an easy or easing answer to it. But given what Jay was about to go through, it was something that had to be discussed.
"Jay, I'm going to do everything in my power to both keep you safe and get that tumor out of there. But in the event something happens to you, you need to have in place wishes for what you want to have happen."
"Like end of life stuff. Like if they should pull the plug on me or keep me living on machines?" Amelia slowly and sadly nodded.
"Yeah, stuff like that. I'm not saying it's going to happen.."
"-But it could," Jay cut her off. Silence filled the space then, the two of them just letting it all float in the air. It was all going so well, this fun little game of operation they were talking about playing on Jay's mind, but now all the cards were on the table. Will wasn't kidding when he said that Jay could die on that table, driving home just how serious this all was going to be. Forget how long the surgery could potentially take, now Jay was just hoping he'd wake up alive on the other end. Suddenly he felt that he had a whole life to live in the next week, major life events that needed to happen and words that had to be spoken before he came back into this hospital. He knew his mind was drifting, that it was best to answer Amelia's question.
"I do, but it needs to be updated and I don't have end of life in there right now. Do you need it by end of the day?"
"Just sometime before pre-op next week. You can even bring it with you to the hospital. We just need to know what you'd like in the event that we have to deal with all of that."
"How often has that happened?"
"In all my years of operating, once. So, it is unlikely but we need it there just in case. I know it's really hard to think about that and now it seems like that will be the only thing that will happen. But I don't foresee that being the case." Her confidence and assuredness in things did help, albeit a little. Perhaps he didn't have to live a full life in the coming week, but the thought was still there.
"Okay, I'll get in contact with the lawyer that put it all together and get things updated. Can I email it?"
"Absolutely! The email that you've been communicating with is just fine. But in the meantime, I need you to sign that we talked about it and you have a plan in place." This one Jay paused on, skimming things over so he made sure he was fully processing what he was about to sign. In the event that he didn't make it, he was signing off on them letting him go, slipping away into the forever without that final chance of waking up and saying goodbye. He thought about it, hesitated, and then signed. This almost felt like going through those final days before deployment all over again. So many unknowns, but he was ready despite it all.
"And lastly, this is a total joke, lighthearted thing to end it all on. What do you want to do about the hair? We're going to make the incision behind the hairline and I typically take about half of the hair. But with where your tumor is I'd say at least the whole top part has to come off. So I just want to know what you're okay with things looking like." Oddly enough, Jay had been thinking about this a lot. Remember, he's had a lot of time on his hands and a lot of walks around the block. It's not all been dealing with headaches and sleeping. This week off has seen him go over just about every single aspect of this surgery that he could come up with. So being totally honestly he was ready to put in a special request about this, delighted that she actually brought it up and not him.
"Just take it all off. Is that weird?"
"Not at all. It's your head and hair and you're the one that's got to live with it all. I'm just the person that butchers everything." Jay chuckled, totally appreciating her strong word choice.
"I just don't want to look like I went through some terrible, tragic fight and lost so, I think just a fresh, even start to everything is the best way to go."
"Okay, I will make a note of that in the chart so we don't pull any terrible surprises on you. And we'll do it after you're asleep so you won't be traumatized."
"I really don't care," Jay joked.
"Well you're definitely in the minority on that one." Amelia was the first to stand, starting to walk towards the door before holding things up.
"Come on, let's get you out of here and back home resting up. How are the headaches?"
"They're still happening. In fact I've got one right now."
"Ugh, I'm sorry. How about the seizures?"
"Nope. None of those. The meds are really helping. They make me tired all the time but at least I'm not having anymore seizures."
"Well resting is good right now. You need to prep your body for what's coming." Amelia opened the door for Jay, stopping him long enough to wrap him in a very friendly but warm hug, this being her final outreach of hope and humanity before it all went down.
"Hang in there. It's gunna be great," she pulled away with.
"Yeah, what's a marathon brain operation anyway."
"That's the idea," she joked, lightly slapping his arm as she darted off to her next destination.
"See you next week, Jay!" He nodded, following the signs for the exit as he thought to himself that he was doing a very good job with things. He just signed his life away to a surgeon and her team to do crazy, invasive things to his mind. That's not at all normal, yet he was somehow totally okay with it and now embracing it a lot more then he was an hour or so ago. But all that confidence and peace deflated at the sight of the two people waiting on him. As he walked out they stood up, their faces full of worry and relief and just uneasiness and not sure what do to or say next. That was when the whole will thing popped back into his mind, followed by the terrible thought that seeing them, being with them and being alive and alert was something he needed to start counting down.
"Well," Will asked when Jay finally rejoined them. Jay's face was beyond stoic, almost catatonic and pasty white now.
"Not here. We need to get out of here," he whispered, soon the two of them were hot on his heels. One week, seven days. This was going to be both eternal and lightning quick. Having a brain tumor fucking sucked.
…
"Jay, you have to say something," Hailey spoke with grave concern, both she and Will looking on at Jay without knowing what to do. He'd been a mute, deadly silent person since he reunited with them in the waiting room. He didn't say a word to the receptionist who wished them well when they finally left. He didn't thank the valet for getting the car nor did he even hear him tell everyone to have a good day. The coffee shop they were sitting outside of right now was chosen by Will after Hailey kept asking Jay and he just couldn't find the desire or words to speak. Jay remained in the car as they ran in to get stuff, Jay keeping his eyes straight out into the world as his morning coffee order was retrieved along with some kind of breakfast toast. It was the only non-sugary thing the place had and sugar was not agreeing with him right now given all the headaches. One of them stayed with Jay the entire time, on the very off chance that he decided to speak up or get out of the car or do anything else. The silence at that point was all he needed, his brain on overdrive with all that was told to him, the will consuming most of his thoughts. So odd, given that he knew in a week his head would be cracked open and messed with for hours, yet the thing that was holding him up was the single piece of paper that simply stated his wishes. But even thinking about his well wishes and what could potentially happen to him was like a vacuum for everything else. It sucked all life and joy and any kind of normalcy out of him. He was back to thinking that he had a week to check the entire bucket list off, which was going to mean some things would have to be crossed off. There just wasn't enough time nor was it a possibility for him to fly right then, so a trip around the world was the very first thing he knew was going to have to get the ax.
"Jay…please say something," Will encouraged once more, glaring at his brother till he at least looked away from the windshield in front of him. Jay was grateful for getting this view and this parking spot on the street, because it offered a perfect snapshot of life happening outside in a total normal way. That was the great things about cities, no matter what your day was like everyone still had to get places and eat and relax before the sun set and then all had to race home. The city had a pace, a way of doing things and whether you liked it or not you had to move right along with it. For if you decided to change those ways or do things faster or slower, you would be plowed over and looked at very strangely. Now along the way of the city's day you could certainly add your personal touch to it, talk on the phone and complain about things as you walked down the street, sat on the L, or honked at cars as you drove around things. But you could never try and eat breakfast at noon or just sit at an L platform all day. It was just not going to work. So looking out the windshield, watching car after car turn at the light, waiting their turn for the people to walk across the walkway or for the slower cars to get through the intersection, it reminded Jay that life was and will go on. That no matter the chaos and calamity and fear that was happening in his life right now, life outside his little walls was going along just like it did every other day. That gave him hope, comfort if nothing else. Because it almost encouraged him to get out of his stupid head and get back on board with things. He was having brain surgery in a week, guess what?! We've gotta get to the West Loop in twenty minutes but the green line is running late and these boxes are super heavy. We've all got life problems to deal with here.
"Jay, we'll turn right back around and go back to Northwestern if you don't start to say something," Hailey threatened when Jay still didn't answer.
"Hailey, seriously," Will spoke back.
"I'm joking…maybe. Come on, Jay. Say something," Hailey encouraged again, now brushing a hand on his shoulder, hoping touch would be the ticket. Jay could only shake his head.
"Well, at least he moved his head. So his hearing is in tact," Will observed.
"Is this the tumor?" Now Jay rolled his eyes, sighing as he finally peeled himself away from the world, and the terrible one in his head.
"Dear God, it's not the tumor," he exhaled in a very exasperated way.
"Ah, he speaks! Next time remember to start with the tumor line," Will joked. Jay thought about smacking his brother, but that was so out of line for him that they'd go back to the tumor talk.
"Jay, what happened?! You've never been like this before," Hailey quietly spoke before sipping her coffee.
"You've not even touched your coffee, which is very unusual for you." It was true, the cup was still sitting in the cup holder on the console, not even the spill protector removed from the drinking hole. He was that out of things.
"We just talked…about everything."
"Okay?! Like what to expect?" Jay nodded.
"And how the surgery would be done and how I was doing. Stuff like that." Hailey nodded, looking to Will to keep pressing. It appeared he was the only one that could get Jay to talk.
"Well, that's good right?! Did it help learning all of that?" Jay nodded.
"So what happened? I don't think hearing about all of this would make you act this way." At first Jay went back to staring out the window, watching all the people walk down the street and becoming super jealous of their life. He now wanted a boring desk job. He wanted to be freezing his ass off right now as he walked as fast as he could to work. He wanted to be doing anything but sit in this car and talk about his sad tale in life, he didn't want any of this. But who was he kidding, he'd die of boredom doing anything apart from what he currently did. The silence rang out in the car for another few minutes before Jay finally found the words and courage to speak through what was bothering him so much.
"I also signed all the paperwork." Hailey sighed, placing a hand on Jay's arm, waiting till he looked up to smirk at him. She tried to understand how hard that would be, signing your life away to something as scary as what was going to happen. But that wasn't the half of it, yet Jay was touched and appreciated her trying to be there and understand.
"That's okay. I'm sure that wasn't easy, giving up control in a way. But I'm glad you did it. It's going to help.."
"-And I have to get my will updated," Jay cut Will off with. Cue all air being sucked out of the car. And there was the moment they all got why Jay was acting the way he was, because they all were deadly silent for quite some time. Once again, terrible choice of words. All were trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. All were trying to encourage the other to say something, anything, because they didn't want to be that person that spoke up and made it all worse.
"I feel like I have a week left to live," Jay finally spoke for all of them, not appreciating the silence behind it.
"Jay, I'm guessing it's just a formality. A just in case something happens thing. I don't think it means that something like that will happen."
"You have a will," Hailey finally spoke up. Jay nodded, finally taking interest in his cup of coffee.
"Way back when I was in the Rangers, it was required that we all have one before we got deployed. You know…just in case…" Jay trailed off, Hailey nodding before she moved along.
"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Jay shrugged.
"Honestly, I'd forgotten. It's just not something you think about all that often, especially when we're talking about what you want to have happen in the event you die. Or in this case, in the event you're brain dead."
"So they want you to add end of life care." Jay nodded, taking a full sip before resuming his talk.
"Yeah, so it's kind of hard to not see this as me dying in a week. Life never being the same way ever again. Guys, this thing is killing me, literally. And…I don't know…" The emotions took him over, which was very odd for Jay. He caught the shake in his voice, blinked the tears away as fast as he could. He turned his head away from the two of them, telling himself how stupid he was for behaving this way. It was just a freaking will. It was not a death sentence. Amelia said it, the odds of needing any of it were low. And yet, why was he so convinced he was nearing his end. Perhaps it was a sign from life of what was to come, Jay too terrified and freaked out to try and work through that one.
"Jay, I'm so sorry. I know this is a lot to process, but whatever happens we're right there. We're not going anywhere."
"Love you, Jay. We both do," Hailey finished. Jay could only nod, bite the side of his mouth as the tear finally escaped his left eye. It was a very somber coffee hour and even quieter ride home. A week, a will, an impending showdown with a deadly tumor. Safe to say this week was going to be a lot to handle. If anything, the surgery was looking to be the easiest part of this whole journey.