Chapter 5- Where There's A Will
In all honesty, it's a lot of fun riding the L. It brings out this child-like happiness, the idea of hopping on in one stop, circumnavigating the entire city from the confines of your seat before getting off at your next destination. The Chicago CTA system is quite special, not only because it's color coded and spins round and round the Loop before curtailing into all directions away from the center, but most of it is above ground; thus the L for elevated. When he was little Jay always got excited when they'd ride the L into the city, which was kind of comical since they technically were still in the city limits. But he always sat in awe at the world around him. Like the blue line, which runs down the middle of the highway; you feel both wildly in the wrong mode of transportation yet also thrilled to be moving faster then the near stopped traffic. Or the red line, which is always going to bring some level of excitement amongst passengers. That one lives underground for the most part around the Loop and immediate surrounding locations, but just before Belmont you pop back up above ground, taking in the sights and delights of living close to the CTA. All the houses are so similar yet not, so close yet very different lives are separated between those thin walls. In the winter time you watch and are amazed at the giant, deadly looking icicles that hang on the edges of those houses by sheer force and goodwill to not injure someone. In the winter the stops are perhaps the coldest parts of the city. In the summer you were praying for it to be winter once more. But along all of the colored lines you are truly seeing the varying pockets and neighborhoods that make up the greatest city in the world. I'd beg to offer a lengthy ride on any big CTA line as a tourist stop or first visits of someone interested in moving in. From airport to airport and every neighborhood and city packed stop in between, riding the L truly is a perfect snapshot of Chicago and makes you appreciate it's diversity, breadth, and beauty. Even at a very young age, Jay somehow got all of this, perhaps that being the biggest reason why he loved riding the red line. Sure, it also got him to a park where he could kick a soccer ball around, but the ride to that place was something that he really cherished. But today, he was not on his way to a soccer field nor was he getting on the red line. Times were changing and the line colors weren't what he recalled growing up, but still he always got a little kick when he could master what line to get on at what time and perfectly estimate his time of arrival. So, as we find him shuffling his feet in place, stamping warmth into his booted feet at a green line stop, he's glaring at what should be coming, willing for his ride to hurry up and arrive because he was freezing his ass off. Yes, the weather had warmed a little to the solid 20s, but one must remember the never ending breeze that just sits at CTA stops and the fact things were delayed today. Call it the Monday blues or the colder weather slowing things down, but he'd been pacing and stamping at this stop for close to ten minutes now and he was growing over it. Plus, his mental ETA was ticking closer and closer to being late and he was not okay with that.
"Oh thank God," Jay whispered behind his scarf, which he'd pulled to just over his nose. At this point he was trying to avoid frostbite and windblown, dried up skin between now and his final destination. He was double layerd, thick and heavy new coat—thanks medics for ruining the old one—donning a beanie and gloves and scarf and still it felt like he was standing outside in nothing but shorts and a t-shirt. He never understood how people could wear such thin layers or very little clothing at all. At this point, under these conditions, it was all about function over fashion. What mattered to him, and should to everyone else, was surviving this below average, blistering cold winter before dealing with how they looked. Jay closed his eyes as the green line train bound for Harlem blasted within touching distance, a small amount of relief and excitement broke out over his person. Opening his eyes revealed that he'd aligned himself perfectly with the door, the next big reward was that very few people were on the train that morning, giving him a great window seat into the Loop. He still had it, Jay joked to himself, as he took his seat just as the train jolted back down the track.
It was a five stop ride before he got off where he needed to be, so figuring in how long the train would stop at each stop and sensing how fast they were going, he had a good fifteen to twenty minutes before he had to get back into the frozen world. So Jay used his time to look around. As he observed getting on, there were very few people on that train with him. For an early Monday morning, this car should've been packed to the point he'd be performing a serious balancing act in the middle of the train. But it appeared the week of Christmas was seeing a lot of people either off of work or just working from home, the super cold weather probably playing a role in that as well. But amongst the car crowd was a couple school aged kids, taking advantage of the day off from school by traveling down to the city for the day. Then there was the middle aged lady, barking on her phone about all she had to do that day.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M ON THE L AND IT'S FUCKING LOUD! I'LL SEE YOU IN TWENTY." It was right here that Jay kind of missed the flip phone days, because that was the only thing missing from this picture. She had super teased, straight to the Heavens hair that looked more like a mess then a hairstyle. She had on a super long, some kind of animal print jacket with thigh high boots and a very tight dress cinched at the waist, her boobs just about falling out of her top as she bent over to grab a lipstick out of her purse. It was red, of course, and Jay was completely impressed that she was able to apply it without any smudging or weird lines as the train rattled and jostled and shook along the track. Her nails were extra long and also extra red, she was every bit a crazy aunt that was loaded and living in the big city. Jay just smirked, moving on the other people that weren't nearly as hilarious and lively as she was. There was the guy sleeping on the bench, the random business person looking to be hating that they had to come into work that day. The college kid coming off a hangover, the kids sitting on the bench with their little feet kicking in the air as their mom ran through her shopping list. Everyone had a story, everyone had a background, yet all these threads of life had found an intersecting point. At this exact moment on this day in this L car, they all had one thing in common: they had places to go and people to see and the train was going to get them there. But, what no one else knew in that car was that Jay was living with a deadly, massive brain tumor in his head. Everyone had things to do and things that made them different, but Jay was absolutely certain he was the only one there that was counting down the days, hours before surgery. It started that morning. By X time Thursday, he'd be under general anesthesia with his head cracked open and a monster trying to be tamed and removed. That was a whole new layer to things, and oddly enough Jay wasn't all that scared of it. If anything, it just kept driving home just how real and soon it all was. He was sure everyone else had weekend plans and none of them involved recovering from surgery in a neurological ICU room in Northwestern. Tell that to any of the people in that car and he'd get both the death stare and a million apologies. Since it wasn't in Jay to experience that, nor was he ever going to tell random people what was going on in his life, Jay chose to smirk, take both pity and jealously for their lives, before turning back to the window and facing out. What these people didn't know, what anyone doesn't know when they see people walking down the street, on a train car, just anywhere in life. There is so much that you do not know, there's an entire life behind that body, look, whatever you see. To those looking at Jay, he was just some guy on a train going Lord only knew where; you'd never guess the whole nightmare that was going on behind those eyes and smile. So Jay took comfort in being his invisible man for a moment, knowing that only he knew and that everyone outside was going to treat him like every other person. In these final days that was exactly what he wanted. Certainly the pity and help and all the crap that came with major surgery was going to come out and at him, so these final days of normalcy were seriously everything to him. Before long the stop closest to the Wrigley Building came, allowing Jay to get up, jump off and head on down the stairs. But before the jog began he took a couple seconds to look back, observe things and capture all that he saw. This was normal life. This was a normal scene at any given day. It all was so peaceful, so relaxed and just there. There was no bad, no scary, no danger to his person. It was a very out of body, meta thought; knowing that something inside of him was doing more damage then anything in the outside world. Growing up, it's engrained in you that life is tough and hard and bad things will happen to you. No one ever prepares you for what happens inside of you, or what could potentially happen to you within yourself. Man's greatest threat isn't war, crime, and accidents: it's himself and what happens on the inside. Those are the biggest threats, those are typically the deadly ones: the silent monsters that live within us, never telling when they're going to come out to play. But enough meta talk, Jay had to get to the Wrigley Building and he was cutting it close.
It was an eight minute walk from the State/Lake stop, walking up State Street towards the river before walking alongside Wacker before crossing the Michigan Avenue bridge. The pace was fast, both because he was running late and also because he wanted to get inside as fast as he could. The wind that was kind of there way back at his first stop was now whipping at his legs, the parts of his body that weren't under several layers tightening by the second. By the time he reached the riverwalk Jay was convinced his ACL was going to snap, or some other major tendon in his knees. It's not like he'd been skimping on working out, in fact he been getting more active at the gym with all his free time, but this polar vortex challenge was truly pushing his strained muscles to their limit. It's not supposed to be this cold to him. He was a Chicago native, twenty degrees was supposed to be a fine summer day. But perhaps it was the being cooped up indoors or all the medication he was on, but Jay was the definition of frozen. Almost perpetually he breathed into his scarf, hoping to warm his face enough to keep himself upright and awake. A couple times he chose to stop in his tracks and take in his surroundings. He was so afraid of hurting himself that he needed to give himself that break. Playing it off as just observing the giant buildings and all the hustling on the streets that came with the week of Christmas, Jay was truly just giving himself a breather. The very last thing he needed was to hobble to his destination, talk about the big things that had to be handled while being in blinding pain. He cursed under his breath for not being able to drive, missing the truck and it's heated seats, steering wheel, everything right then. His lungs were so tight, his whole body screaming to get inside, sit awhile and drink coffee. But onward he went, not stopping till the Wrigley Building was in sight.
But the one good thing about having to walk everywhere was that it allowed him to see everything one last time. Given where he now lived and that work was all consuming, rare was it for him to just be out and about downtown, taking in the sights and smells and views from a good foot beat. It had to have been a solid two years since he last came down here for recreational reasons, and even then it was way back in warmer temperatures. But seeing the place now, in this weather and at this time of year was truly magical. The city was wearing it's Christmas best, every street lamp donning red and green and evergreen, the many shops and businesses putting out elaborate, highly decorative window dressings. People were running, seriously, up and down the sidewalks, countless bags in hand and all just trying to get out of the cold and into the Christmas spirit, which that one Jay never quite got since you don't jump into a spirit. Man the brain was really in overdrive today. But anyway, going back to the world around him, Jay loved that he got this final goodbye, this final gasp of normalcy and walking and just doing touristy things. He had not a clue if or when he'd get to do it again, so against the frigid temperatures he was looking up and down and left and right, just taking all the mystery and wonder and splendor that this city oozed each day. He was going to miss it, he was cherishing it, this was home. Like an old glove or sleeping in your childhood bed, coming back down here just fit so well and made everything easier. Part of him was worried all the activity would induce a seizure or some terrible setback, but now being in it and feeling it all he realized that was the furthest thing from the truth. Home was home, it wasn't there to hurt, only comfort and give rest. Now the mental snapshots were going off all over, Jay truly spinning in place as he absorbed it all like a sponge. He needed this walk, both for the exercise and remembrance and somber note of it all. This was goodbye, this was a parting for a time. As Jay grasped his hand on the door handle of his final destination, he prayed that he'd get back to doing stuff like this soon.
The Wrigley Building is an old, yet stunning marble building, looking to be one of the originals to the city. The outside had intricate and incredible stonework, one glance at it told you this place had history and skilled hands that molded it. The building saw so much, endured the worst the world had to offer, yet it still stood proud and strong, ready to welcome all who ventured through its' doors. Opening the doors revealed very old school wood detailing, the dark mahogany stairs and gold detailing make everything look right out of the Roaring 20s. Mobsters, bank robbers, and the city elite breathed life into this place at one point, now Starbucks and law offices and CVS were taking up that cross. It wasn't exactly what the building once saw, but then again time really does put a spin on things. Jay made note of the Starbucks in the lobby, making sure to visit when he got done.
"Oh come on," he spoke to the elevator buttons as he clicked it a million times. He had minutes, two exactly, to get all the way to the top floor and the car just wasn't coming. As if it heard his pleas, the door chimed their oldie, deep, clang, the heavy gold doors rolling away to reveal an empty car. Jay climbed on, unwrapping his scarf as the car climbed and climbed to the very top. It was amazing how quickly his body temperature adjusted. Not two minutes ago he was developing frostbite, now he couldn't remove his coat, gloves, and scarf fast enough. By the time he reached the top floor all of the items were balled into his arms. He wasn't exactly suave and flowing with his gathering of things, but who cared anyway. He was three days out from major surgery. He was reaching that point of not caring what anyone else thought of him.
"Oh my God, you haven't aged a day," a voice spoke to him before the doors were fully opened. Jay smirked, rolling his eyes before stepping onto the solid ground of the top floor.
"Likewise," Jay spoke, extending a hand for the guy to shake but he shook it off.
"Oh dude, it's hug for you!" His name was Eric Howard, an old childhood friend turned big time city lawyer. From the looks of things he was doing well: the expensive suit and perfect haircut followed by the Italian loafers and high dollar cologne, the guy was making a name for himself.
"I feel so underdressed," Jay joked as they pulled away from the bro hug. It was true. Contrast to Eric, Jay was in joggers, a hoodie, Jordan's and a bed-headed mop on the top of his head. He needed to shave that morning but ran out of time, was looking like he just rolled out of bed…which he kind of did.
"Oh stop, man. You look good! I haven't talked to you in forever. How's life! How's Will?" "Will's good. He's back here, working at Med."
"No kidding. Got tired of plastics?" Jay rolled his eyes.
"Apparently. Um, I'm now a detective.."
"For CPD?!" Jay nodded.
"Dude, that's amazing! I know we talked about that the last time I saw you…but you actually did it! That's awesome." Jay humbly nodded, adjusting the outwear in his hands before continuing.
"And…I also got engaged earlier this year." Eric's jaw almost fell to the floor, eyes lighting up as he spoke.
"No way!"
"Way."
"Wow, Jay Halstead is all grown up."
"Shut up," Jay teased, rolling his eyes once more before slapping Eric's arm, which only made the guy laugh more.
"Well let's go back to my office," he spoke while ushering for Jay to follow, which he did. It was a winding, lengthy path from the front desk to Eric's office, but Jay was too enamored with everything to be bothered by it all. For it being the week of Christmas the place was busy. Phones ringing nonstop, people running up and down the hallways with brown case boxes in hand, meetings happening in conference rooms so serious that no one noticed the rather underdressed person in their midst. Jay had been to plenty of law firms before, but being in one as a civilian, and having a close friend racing you through the chaos to his corner office, drove home how crazy and intense and successful the law was. Jay was loving it all, once again enjoying the secret of himself…if only that were going to be the case forever.
"So, what brings you in," Eric asked as he opened the door for Jay. Jay waited till the two of them took a seat in their perspectives spots: Eric's behind the large, wood desk while Jay sat on the other side in a very plush chair. He took in surroundings for a moment, noting the floor to ceiling window on the left side of the room, revealing the full downtown skyline.
"You've moved up in the world," Jay joked.
"Yeah, got my name on the door and everything."
"Ah, I thought that was daddy's last name up there." Eric gasped, clutching his chest before he spoke.
"Ouch! That hurt man. Just because I work with my father doesn't mean I didn't work hard for that. Plus, he left the firm a couple years ago so I truly have been doing my own thing." Jay smirked, taking in the sights once more before speaking. He hated having to say it, not ready for what he knew was coming next, but he had no other option. He couldn't change his will without any explanation.
"Well, the reason I'm here is that I need to update my will."
"Okay, I knew that part when we talked on the phone. Why?" Jay cleared his throat, peeling himself away from the window and right at his friend's face. He paused, caught his breath, and let it fall out.
"Because I have a brain tumor and I'm having surgery this Thursday to remove it and the hospital needs a living will with end of life measures in it." Eric was completely silent, eyes huge and not blinking for some time. The two of them were in a bit of a staring contest, Eric trying to catch Jay in a lie as Jay waited for the apology.
"You serious?"
"Very," Jay immediately shot back. Eric plopped his elbows on the desk, using his fingers to rub his eyebrows into place, not believing what he just heard. But do we blame him? It's not news you hear everyday.
"Jay Halstead, the little kid who used to bug Will and I to go ride bikes up and down the street has a brain tumor?" Jay slowly nodded his head. It fell so quiet once more, quiet enough to hear the clock ticking the time away. Jay couldn't stand the silence.
"And surgery is this Thursday."
"Yeah." More silence, more shock, more openings of the mouth before he went deadly silent. For a split second Jay thought he saw eyes glistening. That wasn't a reaction he saw coming. They were childhood friends that grew apart, they weren't family. But watching Eric's reaction just drove home the truth that shocking news effects everyone differently. Furthermore, it was a beautiful reminder to Jay that he and his wellbeing mattered to so many people. People that he wouldn't even think of on a given day.
"Jay, I'm so sorry. That's…wow."
"Thanks," Jay was quick to respond. He'd heard the apology so many times that he could spit out his reply in his sleep. He looked down at his lap, waiting for Eric to speak before he looked up.
"Man, I can't imagine what you're going through right now. How are you?"
"Okay. I'm doing well considering. I only found out a couple weeks ago so it's all still very new."
"Is it bad?" Jay nodded.
"Yeah, it's an AA, an anaplastic astrocytoma. It's big…yeah. It's not a great one." As if on cue the monster in his head lurched around, creating that lull of an incoming headache. Jay tried his best to blink it away, but there was no stopping the incoming wave. He was going to be in a lot of pain before the day was over.
"Well, if there's anything you need me to do, you've got it. Man, I'm so sorry." Jay nodded again, relaxing in the chair as his cue to make things move along. He was over talking abut himself, the pity party and all the death staring that came with it. The will was the only thing on his agenda today and he planned on getting it done before this headache consumed him.
"So I want to keep everything else the way it is, except add the medical side of things. I still want Will as my medical proxy and I still want things to happen the way I have it all laid out. I just need to add the DNR part." Eric was a mute, shocked individual, pulling up Jay's will on his computer, mumbling to himself about being shocked as he got things lined up.
"A standard DNR?"
"No. If there is a viable path for recovery then I want to be resuscitated. But if I'm declared brain dead then I don't want to be on life saving devices. Or if I'm in a vegetative state, then remove all life saving measures."
"Do you still want to be an organ donor?"
"As long as it's an option, yes." Eric went about typing, the flying fingers being the only sound in the room. Jay was rather proud of himself for saying all of that without breaking down. Over the weekend he could not get through it without crying or stopping or freaking out. He felt like he needed to knock on a piece of wood, because he was essentially speaking out into the world that he was ready to die, to be let go. It took a very long time and a lot of talks with Will and Hailey to help him see this was all just a precaution, that it was likely that he'd wake up on the other side of surgery still on earth. But just saying it, listening to those words fall out of his mouth was a whole other thing. It was one thing to think it, it was a whole other thing put words into action, so to speak.
"Is there anything else?" Jay shook his head.
"Nope, just the death stuff. That's it." Eric was befuddled that Jay could take this all so lightheartedly.
"Who do I send this to? Is your email fine?"
"Oh, you could just send it to the contact at Northwestern. Here." Jay scrolled through his emails, landing on Dr. Heart's assistant, making sure nothing was missing or things were scrambled. The two of them watch Eric drag the file to the email, hesitated as he hit 'send.' Jay swallowed as the chime of delivery rang out in the room. His fate was sealed. Correction, a fate, he had to keep telling himself. Nothing was set in stone. It was all for a maybe…or so he hoped.
"What time on Thursday?"
"I have to be there at six and surgery starts at seven."
"Why Northwestern?"
"It's where my surgeon is based out of. She's apparently the best so…there's that." Eric just took everything in, amazed Jay was out and about and living life. He was less than seventy-two hours away from surgery and yet, he was here. It was simply amazing.
"Jay, seriously. I'm so sorry. Please, if there is anything you need…I've got you."
"Thanks, Eric. I really appreciate that."
"So you found out two weeks ago?"
"Yeah, but I learned that I've been having symptoms since September and it had been growing before then so…it's been up there awhile, just waiting to make itself known."
"And how long are you out of everything?"
"I don't know. I've been off work for the last couple weeks because I had a seizure episode, that sparked us finding everything out. So I've been cooped up at home. But I've been told several weeks, months maybe. We won't know for sure till after surgery."
"And how are you feeling about that?" Jay furrowed his brow, chuckling before he spoke.
"What are you, a therapist now?"
"No, I'm just really curious. You just don't hear stuff like this everyday."
"Yeah, tell me about it. I thought it was cluster headaches." Jay's mild laughing was met with a stoned faced Eric, shocked Jay was laughing at things. He was convinced his friend was losing it, it was written all over his face. The tumor was drastically changing him, he was this split personality, oblivious person who was really starting to scare him. Jay totally wanted to yell 'boo' just to see what would happen, but he'd probably have security pounce on him in record time.
"Well, I've gotta go. I have a couple more things to take care of and plus…I just really need some coffee."
"Yeah…yeah," Eric stammered, slowly rising from his seat as Jay just about sprung out of his. He had to get out of here. It was all too much to the point of suffocation. He couldn't stand the pity party and scanning a millisecond longer.
"It was good to see you, Eric," Jay spoke, offering a hand and the guy actually shook this time. Ah, there was the answer he was looking for. The guy thought he was fragile, crazy, who knew. But things had definitely shifted since the reunion in the reception area.
"Yeah, you too Jay. And Jay, seriously. If you need anything you have my number." It took everything in Jay to not turn around and run as fast as he could go. Seriously, it was amazing self control as he slowly opened the door, walked down the hall and to the elevator. He waited till he got on the elevator to dry heave all the way down. Thank goodness he hadn't eaten anything yet because he probably would've puked on the perfect marble floor. That was both terrible and awful, nothing was good about that whole encounter. He was already different, people were already treating him differently, he wanted to scream and rip the stupid tumor out of his head now. But in the timespan of a snap of the fingers he was upright, bravely facing the world and looking as if he hadn't been through one of the worst moments of his life. With little thought and complete ease he got in line at Starbucks to order a chai tea latte. Because, when in Rome, order what the tourists order.
…
"Jay," Hailey quietly called out as she broke through the front door. The lights were off in the apartment and everything was super quiet. Hailey being so seasoned with things at this point she knew he was having another bad headache day.
"Jay," she called out once more, roaming into the kitchen to place the takeout bag on the counter. She noted the dishes stacked neatly in the sink and that food and drinks weren't out anywhere, which was a big step for him. It never ceased to amaze her. Jay lived the strict, military precision life yet he could not stay tidy to save his life. He may have appeared all put together and cleaned up, but enter his closet or kitchen and you get a whole other picture. Most of the bad headache days saw everything a mess and things just as trashed and unkempt as Hailey left them earlier in the day, so to see things relatively cleaned up and put away was a positive sign. He was going through a headache, but it wasn't completely dire. Just about tip toeing she made her way through the living area before quietly knocking on the bedroom door. She was aware of the danger in doing that, that the sound could wake him or make things worse. But the last thing she wanted was to just throw the door open and make an entrance and he had just fallen asleep. When a faint grunt trickled to the bedroom door's sound waves Hailey held her breath, slowly opening the door.
"Hey," she whispered, looking at him with nothing but pity, heartache, and a desire to take the pain away from him. He was lying on his left side, blanket pulled up to his chin as he closed his eyes, quietly groaning as the pain peaked and waned. This was not the first time she found him like this, but she only hoped it would be one of the last. Three days, it had to be over in three days. She didn't know how much more of this Jay could take…or any of them for that matter.
"I brought stuff from Lou Mitchells. Do you want anything?"
"What did you bring," Jay moaned while rolling over to face her. His face was red, puffy, exhausted looking, they'd all come to know it as his standard migraine face. He was such a pitiful sight.
"Grilled patty melt…maybe some fries with it," she spoke in a very quiet, yet excited voice. Jay managed to get himself into a sitting position, rubbing his eyes as he nodded.
"Well, since you brought it all the way here, I'd hate to be that guy who said no." Hailey smirked, wanting to reach over and kiss him. He was too much, way too nice to the point it was almost a fault. Here he was in pain, tired, probably not all that hungry. And yet, he was trying his very best to make her happy and feel fine about things. She had no clue how she got so lucky in life.
"I also brought a Coke," she ended with, darting back into the kitchen to grab the giant bag of goods.
"Yeah, that would be amazing," Jay called from the bedroom. She was back with the bag in under a minute, handing him the Coke before diving into the bag.
"Here you go, you got it?"
"Yup," Jay spoke, death griping the cup as he just about inhaled the highly caffeinated drink. It tasted so good against the tiredness and headache. He didn't know how people lived without it.
"And your patty melt," she announced, handing over the takeout plate before getting hers. Jay's stomach growled in sync with him pulling off the lid, the two of them smirking and giggling. So, perhaps he was hungry after all. Perhaps today it was just a hunger headache. Oh, the denial they were still trying to live under.
"Good," she jokingly asked as Jay downed the first half of his sandwich. Reaching for a napkin he nodded, giving her a thumbs up as he swallowed.
"I didn't realize I was hungry till just now."
"Well, I'm glad work was slow enough for me to pick stuff up and swing on by."
"Oh, you still have to head back."
"Yeah, we're kind of in between things and waiting on results so…figured I'd come keep you company for a little bit."
"Well, that's very kind. Thank you. But you didn't have to come so out of the way. I'd have managed," Jay spoke as the second half of his sandwich hovered by his mouth.
"Jay, you're bored and you did a lot today and plus, I didn't want to wait any longer to hear about how things went. So…" Jay nodded, chewing faster so he could swallow that much faster.
"A salad," he spoke mid swallow, pointing to Hailey's very green bowl. She shrugged.
"It's in anticipation for the all the hospital food we're about to have so…balance." Jay rolled his eyes, wiping his lips off with the napkin before continuing.
"Um, it went well I guess. I put everything in that we talked about."
"So the whole DNR thing." Jay nodded. Hailey sighed, turning back to forking her salad. That one was a serious talk, one that got semi-heated late Saturday night. She wasn't ready to even think about having to remove life saving measures, but tried her best to hear him out. She understood where he was coming from, not wanting to waste what he had nor being extended because other people weren't ready to let go. Plus, he didn't want his legacy to be living on machines long after he passed. But it was the whole idea of having to choose to let him go that never sat right with her. Even now, just talking about it made her skin crawl, the emotions beginning to bubble up in her stomach. She was not ready to lose him, say goodbye forever. She didn't think she'd ever be at that place. But in the end, she had to respect his decision. It's what you do for love, it's what people who truly care for and support one another do. She had to realize it wasn't her life, but his. So there was no other option for her.
"I'm sure that wasn't fun, but I'm very proud of you for doing it. Did you get emotional?"
"Surprisingly no. Eric was the more emotional one out of the two of us. Which was very odd to witness. He was that kid that joked at funerals, no joke. So…yeah, that was really hard. But also…I don't know…" Jay trailed off, biting more of his sandwich as he thought. Hailey looked up from her bowl, mentally egging him on. When he didn't say anything for thirty seconds she had to ask.
"What?!" Jay shrugged his shoulders, taking a sip of Coke before he spoke.
"It's almost like he was judging me."
"Judging?!"
"Yeah…I don't know. It got really weird. Like a pity party or anger or something. I couldn't get out of there fast enough." Hailey nodded. Everyone was going to have their own reaction. Certainly this kind of reaction wasn't what any of them thought would play out, but it did and she was sorry Jay had to go through that alone.
"Well, at least it's done now and everything is set. But Jay…I swear if you pull something and make us have to make those calls…I'll kill you." Hailey wasn't trying to be silly, but after saying the last part she was internally kicking herself. It was so stupid and ill thought out, but Jay laughed anyway.
"I can't make any promises…but I'll try my best." Hailey smirked, the two of them eating in silence till they were done. Hailey grabbed Jay's plate, rolling her eyes at him chugging the rest of his Coke so she could throw everything away at once.
"Oh I'm gunna burp," Jay spoke as he sat back against the pillows, hands on his stomach as he felt the gas rising. By the time Hailey got back he was letting out the loudest, yet most satisfying burp he'd done in awhile. Hailey jokingly waved her hand in front of her nose, scrunching her brow as she plopped down on her side of the bed.
"That was disgusting."
"It felt really good though," Jay shot back.
"So…now what do we do? I still have a couple minutes left," Hailey spoke, rolling to her side so the two of them were facing each other. She could not believe they were three days out, that this time in three days they'd hopefully be in an ICU room watching Jay only just begin his recovery. It was bizarre to think that everything she saw now was not going to be the same. He was awake, alert, fully functioning and alive right now. It was very, very hard to think it would all be a 180 in seventy-two hours, at least everything but the whole living part. That had to stay the same way it was now. Part of her wanted to think this was all some dream, some crazy game they were playing. Sure, they were going to show up at a hospital, watch him get prepped before being escorted to an OR. But, surely someone was going to pull the plug, call it quits on this whole charade before they actually went into his brain. But as she watched him wince against the headache, noting that he was spending more of his days in bed then out in the streets solving the city's deepest, darkest, most heinous crimes, it was becoming more and more true: he really needed this help and it was happening…soon. Out of a reaction to that she reached over, gently brushing her hand through his hair. Jay got it, knew she was also going through these final day thoughts with him, so he let her feel whatever needed to be felt. She was going to miss this, all of it, so very much.
"Love you," she quietly spoke once her hand left his head.
"Love you too," he said back.
"We have to get back to this. I don't care if it's you passed out because you need to shut down with recovery being too much. We have to do this again," Hailey spoke, motioning about the space between them, the bed they were in and the life they were sharing right now.
"I know."
"I'm serious, Jay. Promise me."
"You know I can't make that promise. But I can try my best, Hailey. You know that's all I've got right now." Hailey nodded, rolling closer to him so she could plant a quick yet very meaningful kiss on his lips. He gladly obliged, whispering and apology as they pulled away.
"I swear if I wake up after all of this and still have these headaches…I'm gunna be pissed." Hailey laughed, smacking his arm as she rolled back to her spot on the bed. Just like that, all was back to normal. They two of them were them once more.
"Oh! I thought of something we can do." Jay got so excited, springing out of bed the fastest he had in days. Hailey sighed as she watched the sudden change in balance. Three days, it was all going to get better. She relaxed against the pillows, running through texts messages with such attention and seriousness that she didn't hear the rummaging through the closet, or the random cursing as he looked for the thing he was seeking.
"This," Jay proudly announced as he returned to the bedroom, gently plopping the box back down on the bed before getting back to his side and collapsing. At first Hailey didn't notice it, but when he pressed again she had no choice but to put the phone down.
"What is it," she asked, just staring at the brown Amazon box.
"Open it," he joked, pushing it closer to her. Now she was scared, terrified some horrible prank was going to jump out at her.
"Come on. It's not going to bite you," he encouraged, picking up the box and placing it in her hands. She took a breath, opened the top, and dug her hand in. It was what her hand landed on that made her puzzled. It felt like a candle, or some kind of round shaped container. Slowly she pulled it out, gasping and shaking her head while laughing as she spun it around in her hand.
"Jay…what the hell is edible body paint." He rolled his eyes, taking it from her as she started to read the description on the back of the jar.
"In what world do you think that we're gunna do that."
"Oh come on. It'll be fun!" Hailey scoffed, shaking her head as she watched him continue to read the back.
"If you really need instructions for that then you should not be using it."
"I'm just reading it."
"Jay, you know what I'm gunna say."
"Well then go ahead and say it."
"This was a tumor purchase…or a level of boredom you've never reached before."
"For once, I might agree with you there. But for real. It could be fun!"
"And disgusting and messy and we'd spend the rest of the night washing all the bedding."
"But at least we know we had a good time ruining things." Hailey rolled her eyes, unscrewing the lid as she sniffed it.
"It smells vile."
"They said it's caramel flavor," Jay spoke as he read the back once more. Without much thought Hailey stuck a finger into the center of the jar, pulling out a large dollop of the substance and tossed it into her mouth. In the timespan of it hitting her tastebuds she was up and out of bed, full on running to the sink to spit the super gross stuff out.
"You need a hobby," she spoke between gargling mouthfuls of water. Jay was too busy laughing, about to taste it for himself when she shrieked for him to stop. She had to spare him from the worst taste in the world.
"Go take up golf or something," she continued as she reached the bathroom doorway.
"I don't know anything about golf."
"You've got plenty of time on your hands. If you have time to buy that, you've got time to learn a whole sport."
"It's too cold to play golf."
"Like the cold has ever stopped you from doing anything."
"Golf is for old people."
"Says the guy stuck inside buying sex products." That one she had him on, Jay throwing up his hands in defeat.
"Fine! Fine, I will throw the stuff away and it will never be talked about or purchased again." Hailey's phone lit up on the bedside table, a text from Voight saying they needed her back at the office. Apparently a break finally came through.
"I've got to go. Please take care of yourself and stop buying things on Amazon. I swear I'll change the Amazon password if one more random item shows up at the door."
"So the fuzzy handcuffs should go back?"
"Jay I swear you're going to be the death of me." She leaned over, jokingly smacking his arm before smiling at him and blowing a kiss.
"I'll be back later tonight. Get some rest and drink plenty of water. Do you want me to bring anything home?"
"Whatever you'd like I'm game for." Another quick air kiss, more promises to be back soon, and she was out the door. Jay relaxed back on the pillows, praying for this fucking headache to go away now. The silence was at this point very welcoming, nudging him back to sleep ever so harshly. Jay was not about to put up a fight with this. Three days, that was all he had left. Three days from now, the biggest fight of his life would arrive. Best to prep for it now.