AA

by taylorandmacster10

It's just a headache, right? Here we go again! Jay whump from yours truly has returned once more. New chapters every Monday evening!

6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6- Wake Up It's Christmas Eve Eve

11:58…11:59…12:00am. It was here at last, the day of the biggest fight of his life. So much pent up anxiety, emotions, stress and planning went into this moment and Jay wanted to be awake for this part of it all. He probably wasn't going to be coherent in twenty-four hours, much less able to stay awake and watch the clock turn over to a new day, so it was best to capture what little time he had left. It was all becoming very, very real. It was December 23rd, a day three weeks ago that meant absolutely nothing to him, yet two weeks ago was deemed his crossroads moment. It was here, on this day in another room in a hospital across town that his fate would be sealed and his match with a monster settled. He'd either come out of it alive and tumor free, dead and a tumor having taken him whole, or some kind of combination of the two. Regardless, he was never going to be the same again. It was that thought of how drastic and sudden and permanent this all was going to be was the thing keeping him up tonight. He should've been asleep hours ago, having gone to bed at 8pm. He wanted to try and get a full night's sleep before things kicked off, giving his tumor riddled brain a fighting chance at rest before it was disturbed in a way it never saw coming. But it was the waves of emotions and thoughts and ideas of what the other side was going to be that kept him up. Let's see, he'd been in bed since 8 and four hours later he might've had a sold hour and a half on him. The rest of the time he was lying on his left side, staring at the green digital numbers on the clock next to his side of the bed. Part of the time he prayed for it to speed up, other times he begged it to slow down. His stomach was a roller coaster right now, partly to do with that he hadn't eaten in hours and couldn't till after things were done, but mostly it was just the chaos inside of him. He was quite seriously all over the place, in many different spectrums on the scale of embracing the calamity that was right in front of him. He was ready, then he wasn't, then he tried to deny it was all just made up before smacking himself for even going there. He had an issue, he was getting it fixed. That was his redeeming thought throughout the night.

"Are you sleeping," Hailey quietly spoke into the room, immediately ceasing any bad thoughts in Jay's mind. He was not aware it was two of them wide awake right now. He'd been so quiet, so motionless. Both had their backs to each other, both falling asleep with very little contact or comment between them. There wasn't much to say and certainly nothing they could do. It was like watching a slow motion train wreck. There was no getting off the rails, not escaping what was barreling right towards them. Hailey and Will both knew this was Jay's fight. As much as they were going to be there for him, it was his fight. They couldn't sway the outcome of it all no matter how hard they tried. It was just Jay in all of this. So talking about it wasn't going to soothe things over or make a difference. Jay knew it all, was fully aware of what was going on, he didn't need further discussion.

"Yeah," Jay eventually spoke back, rolling to his right so he could face Hailey. She did the same, the two of them linking at hands for a few moments, playing trace the hand of the opposite person for some time. Jay wasn't looking at the clock, but it felt like they did this for at least five minutes.

"Did I keep you up," he spoke some time later. Hailey shook her head. It was too dark in the room to make out her face, but he could tell she wasn't looking at him. Probably past him or down at the bed or somewhere else in the room, but it was definitely not him.

"No…it's kind of hard sleeping when you know what's coming in a few hours," she whispered, foregoing the tracing finger game and instead wrapping her fingers tight around his hand. It was the thought of having to let him go that made her want to cling tighter. Jay returned the death grip on his hand by placing his other hand on the top, once again silence filling the room as they just felt it all. The next five hours were going to be awful, eternal, perhaps the worst part of this whole day. Which, they knew was saying a lot given what would come with pre-op and surgery and then the beginning stages of recovery, but there was something about movement that made it all okay. Like waiting for a gun to go off, you have so much built up energy and emotions that you're almost praying for it to go off. You prepare and prepare and do everything right but still there's an element of waiting and anticipation. Anticipation, this thing that was supposed to induce good feelings never seemed to work out that way. Things always go south and dark when one anticipates, but it's in the movement of events that things settle down. Of course, when they were in those eventful stages there would be very mixed emotions. But it was the silence and calm before things got underway that were scaring everyone the most right now. So many questions, so many outcomes, it was hard to just sit and wait and hope.

"Should we have gotten married," Jay spoke a little louder, stopping Hailey's ever racing mind.

"What," Hailey asked almost on instinct. Her reply was so quick that it almost made Jay not want to continue.

"Should we have gotten married. Before this all goes up in smoke. Should we have grabbed all that we could've out of this time and just gotten married. I don't know what the end of this day is going to look like…let alone what the next week or month or year will look like. I just don't want to regret that we didn't do something while we could've." Hailey nodded, making herself look at her fiance, reaching over to run her hand through his hair. In a few hours, none of this was going to be the same. She'd admit to having the passing thought herself, that they just run to the court house and make it all official. But deep down it was almost a facade, in a way. They'd be rushing into a life that could very likely end before a honeymoon was had. There was so much bad surrounding them that trying to be happy and take such a harmonious step in life was equivalent to sunbathing when a category five hurricane was coming to shore. It wasn't going to be very real and certainly looked to be a signal of denial or refusal to accept fate. When the time was right, and life wasn't threatening to upend everything they had, they would seal their fate. But tonight, was not that time.

"Jay, you know that I'd love more then to marry you. It's why I said yes. But, this is not the time. I don't want to start life with a maybe and I really don't want to have a brain tumor in the middle of our wedding. So, as terrifying as it is to wait and hope for a great outcome, looking back we'll be glad that we weren't irrational and raced into things." Jay nodded, reaching to grab her hand and pulling it away from where she was stroking. He pulled her hand to his lips, gently kissed it before letting their hands fall to the bed.

"Okay, I just didn't want to disappoint you."

"Jay, you've yet to disappoint me. As scared as I am for what's to come today, I'm really proud of you for getting to this point and being willing to get this taken care of. Seriously, I know that all of this isn't your thing and you hate it, but I'm very proud of you for prioritizing your health."

"I mean, it's kind of killing me so I didn't have a choice."

"Jay, there's always a choice. People choose to just let that be the thing that takes them. So I'm proud of you for choosing an option that scares you. I think in the end you'll be very happy that you did." Jay nodded, adjusting further into the bed so he could pull the sheets and blankets closer to his face. Despite having the heat on he was still absolutely freezing. Hailey leaned in to kiss his forehead, gently rubbing where her lips left a mark as she spoke.

"I love you."

"I love you too," Jay spoke with the blankets muffling his voice. Hailey went back to stroking his head and hair, silently telling herself she was going to miss the thick, wavy, perfect guy hair. A few months, it was all going to be back in a few months…or so she hoped.

"Now, I need you to sleep, Jay."

"No, you sleep. I'll be fine."

"Nope, you need the sleep more then me. I'll stay up till you go to sleep." Jay snorted under the blankets, sighing as he adjusted into a good sleeping position. Perhaps it was the massaging on his head or the fact they had a pretty deep talk about things, but whatever was going on worked. Jay was out in ten minutes flat. It was now 12:30am. T-minus four and a half hours till they had to get up and get the show on the road.

…

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Honestly Jay was up before the second beep flooded the once quiet atmosphere of the room. He managed to slap the life out of the alarm button between the third and fourth beeps, turning back towards Hailey as he rubbed his eyes.

"Well…let's do this," he announced through a yawn. Hailey sat up in bed, pulling the blankets with her as she turned the lights on. She got a good scan of him in before she nodded, noting that this was one of the last times he'd look like this, talk and move this freely for quite some time. It was so scary, stepping out into an unknown like this, having zero inkling or sway as to where things would land. Uncertainties were a thing she was never going to get used to, no matter how many times life threw it at her.

"How did you sleep," Jay asked as he stretched his arms, slowly pulling the blankets away and stepping into the blast of cold air.

"I didn't," Hailey quietly spoke back.

"Hailey, you need to sleep. Just lay down and rest till I get out of the shower."

"Jay, I've survived on less sleep. I will be fine till this whole thing is over." Jay sighed, rounding the bed and sitting next to her, offering a hug and she was very okay with accepting.

"I'm so sorry," he spoke as he planted a quick kiss on the top of her head.

"Jay, stop apologizing."

"Just take a nap during surgery. We'll both be nap buddies." Hailey rolled her eyes.

"That is so not the same kind of nap," she laughed back. Ah, there was his cue that things were going to be okay. They were joking again, laughing, it was the best start to a terrible day. Jay rose from the bed, slowly shuffling to the bathroom and fiddling for the bathroom light.

"Seriously, just lay down till I get out. Please?! It'll make me feel better," Jay tried his best convincing voice, giving her a dorky wide smile at the end. She was going to miss that mouth and everything attached to it.

"Because you asked so nicely," she spoke back, falling back into the bed and pulling the blankets up over her head. She listened to the bathroom door close, the shower come to life when it dawned on her.

"Don't forget the Hibiclens!" Jay returned in seconds, head sticking through the door with a very puzzled face.

"What?!"

"The red stuff that makes the bathroom look like a crime scene. Don't forget to wash with that."

"Why would I forget that?"

"Just a friendly reminder."

"Doesn't that seem a little counter intuitive given what's going to happen? Why wash hair that won't be there." Hailey snorted a laugh.

"I don't know. Maybe it's to just clean the whole area. But go, bathe. And don't hog all the hot water."

"Oh brother," Jay bid farewell with. Hailey waited till she heard the shower door close to shut her eyes. Even if it was a power nap, she had to admit that it was very nice to still be in bed and not up and running around.

Meanwhile, things were very different in the shower. As Jay washed himself with the permanent red dye—no joke the crap gets everywhere and doesn't want to leave—he was convinced the bump on his head was the largest it had been yet. Of course, this was all nerves and there was no noticeable bump, but as he lathered the Hibiclens on and scrubbed it deep into his scalp, he was convinced the monster was aware of what was happening today. And in recognition of that knowledge it decided to mass grow on his brain, put it in a place where he'd require an awake operation or unable to be operated on altogether. He was a very nervous wreck, hands shaking at the thought of all of this being in vain, or that he'd be told to turn around and go home and die. Suddenly he was all for the surgery, in a way very excited to get this done. Again, we're on a never ending roller coaster right now. But if the alternative was the thing growing to a point where his head exploded and he dropped dead, a craniotomy was a walk in the park. But after he convinced himself that he was rather crazy and overreacting, Jay savored as much of this quiet, alone time that he had. It was in the rinsing stage that he realized from here on out, he would no longer be alone physically. From a surgical team to nurses to Will and Hailey being there for quite literally every step, he was not going to be going solo for a very long time…if ever again. While mentally and medically this was his whole undertaking and fight, it was good to know that he wouldn't actually be alone in everything. But also, that didn't make him feel a lot better; since the very last thing he ever wanted was help doing the most basic of things. It was going to be the cost of living and whether he fully embraced it or not, he was ready.

Stepping out of the shower Jay grabbed for a towel, wrapping it around his waist before circling a spot on the fogged mirror, all things that were going to be a challenge by day's end. He was very much missing his morning cup of coffee, how he'd sip it between getting dressed and all put together, making sure the last drops were drunk before he brushed his teeth. His stomach growled as he used another towel to dry off his hair, immediately working things in place. He was told no products so he had no other choice but to smooth things to where they needed to be and hope for the best. But really, none of it would matter in a couple hours. But it was in doing this process that he got a good, last look of himself. It was very true, this was the last time he was going to see himself before surgery. From here on out there would be no mirrors or moments to truly examine oneself. Perhaps that was done out of design, because standing there looking at himself now he really questioned why they were doing any of this. He looked totally fine, he felt great, there was nothing exteriorly wrong with him. So he was really struggling with why they had to mess with a good thing. There's that old saying of if something is working to try and not fix it, meaning to not mess with a good thing. It felt like they were doing just that, which Jay was not for breaking rules. Again, it all drove home the very real truth that internal things are the life takers, the things that come from nowhere and kick us in the ass the most. Because we're all trained to start outward and go inward, when really it should be the other way around. Medically, romantically, everything, look inside and make sure everything is fine before you start to deal with the outside. Exterior is a quick fix. Interior could be life long. Jay sighed, scanning one final time before nodding to himself that it was necessary. Sometimes you did have to go into the gray areas of life, raise some hell before things returned to normal. In order to gain control, he had to let go for a season. He kept staring in the mirror while brushing his teeth, making sure to not swallow any water and to get all toothpaste out of his mouth. The final scan, the last seconds of understanding and acceptance, he was as ready as he was ever going to be.

"Hey, shower is all yours," Jay spoke as he made his way to the closet.

"Ugh, five more minutes," Hailey teased as arms broke out from under the warm blankets.

"See, you did need the sleep," Jay joked, standing in the closet trying to figure out what loose clothing he could easily remove in about an hour.

"Will texted, said he'll be here in twenty. So I've really got to run. I'll just pull wet hair up."

"I don't care," Jay joked. He listened to the bathroom door close, flying open exactly ten seconds later.

"Oh! Bags are by the door and packed, right?!"

"Yeah."

"Okay, we don't need to forget them." Jay smirked, finally finding what he sought. It was now 5:15. They had forty-five minutes to get across the Loop, parked, and in pre-op. Time for fretting was over.

…

"Good morning you two," Will greeted as they opened their respective doors. Jay and Hailey seriously bounced into the car, both shivering as they attempted to buckle.

"What happened to a couple minutes out," Hailey semi-annoyed asked? She and Jay had been standing on the sidewalk for ten minutes before Will pulled up, both with their backpacks strapped on and bodies ready to go. Back and forth they paced, looking down the street before looking the other way and then doing it all over again. Surely, Will wasn't going to keep them out in the street forever. He was milliseconds, one minute away, they both quietly thought together.

"Sorry, a light took too long."

"Will it's 5:35 in the morning. Lights don't take forever right now," Hailey shot back, now breathing into her hands before rubbing them for warmth. Will rolled his eyes, looking in the direction of his brother who had eyes fixed right ahead.

"Hey, how are you doing?"

"I'll be fine when we get there…on time preferably. Come on, we've got twenty-five minutes to get there."

"Well we are in luck because my phone says it'll only take twenty minutes."

"Well let's hope one of your long lights doesn't come into play," Jay teased, peeling himself away from the street while smirking at his brother. If he wasn't hours away from major brain surgery Will would've smacked him in response. But Jay was very right, they had to get there and he was wasting time not moving.

"Okay, here we go! Next stop, Northwestern." Will put the car in drive, rolling out into the street and off in the direction of the hospital. Movement finally came to the day. It was a very quiet twenty minute car ride from the apartment to the hospital, not a single word was spoken the entire way. It was mostly because Jay just didn't look to be in a speaking mood, eyes going from out the windshield to looking out the passenger window, he was way too enamored with the world around him to even think about speaking to anyone in that car. It was a very comedic moment. Holiday tunes were playing in the background of an otherwise somber scene. Looking at the three people in that car one would've never guessed Christmas was two days away. Jay's face was surprisingly calm and relaxed, but every now and then he'd break down or sigh aloud, the anxiety dripping off of him. Then there was Hailey, the only person in the backseat who was on the verge of tears the whole time. A couple times her lower lip would quiver, but she never allowed herself to get that far. She was now to the point of being beside herself. Movement was really putting things into very real perspectives. As she looked at the back of Jay's seat it dawned on her that this was it, this was the final, still moment of the day for all of them. And then we have Will, who drove like a man carrying a bowl of soup in his lap as he wove through the city and was trying his best to not spill. His whole complexion would change at the slightest turn, mild bump in the road, he was all over the place. A couple times he prayed to the lights for his green sign, other times he just looked pained. He was the strangest person to drive with, Jay now getting why dates never wanted to get in the car with him. At first he thought it was because of his poor driving skills, but now seeing what he looked like as he drove poorly, Jay was making a mental note to have Hailey operate the drive back home on the other end of all of this. All were so still, silent, just taking the quiet sights and sounds of the city in. Just as Jay was getting ready take on a whole monster of a day, the city was also bracing for Christmas Eve Eve chaos. So it was best to appreciate the stillness now, before this wasn't true anymore.

They pulled into Northwestern's valet line just as the car clock went from 5:54 to 5:55. Exactly twenty minutes later, Will had done it. Jay was the first to attempt getting out of the car, putting his hand on the handle and throwing the door open before Will cleared his throat.

"What?!"

"Jay, that's it?"

"What are you talking about? We've got five minutes to get up there."

"We aren't going to say anything?"

"I'm not saying goodbye here. Come on we've got to get going."

"No last words, nothing." "Will, I appreciate it but I'd much rather be upstairs right now then having to deal with this. Let's go." And before Will could protest, Jay was out and headed for the entrance. Will looked in the back to Hailey who just shrugged, grabbing her bag and getting out in order to catch up to him.

"Let's just let him do whatever helps him," Hailey suggested. Jay was waiting just on the other side of the entrance, watching Hailey stand on the sidewalk and wait for Will to hand the car off, grab his own bag, and the three of them reunited in the lobby. Jay once again taking the lead, the three of them followed the signs and mapping for the surgical floor, the pace only slowing down when they hit the elevator. All got on in silence, all were too consumed with the warmth and quiet nature of the gold and marble elevator to say anything. For being a hospital, this elevator was very nice. It was certainly long enough to house a hospital bed, but it was far from the usual gray, drab mood of typical hospital elevators. Before they realized it the elevator chimed it's arrival, the doors opening the pre-op waiting room. Here was the first sign of surrender for the day: Jay taking that step from elevator to surgical floor. He did it without hesitation and looking like things were totally cool. How very Jay Halstead of him.

"Name," the receptionist asked from the other side of the large desk.

"Jay Halstead." She nodded through a yawn, pulling things up on the computer as she spoke.

"I'm so sorry," she spoke in reference to her yawning in front of him.

"It's fine. It's too early to be at work…or a hospital for check-in," Jay encouraged. The receptionist agreed, soon locating what she was looking for, a small printer to her immediate left began blinking and rattling to life. In seconds a full hospital band popped out of the printer.

"Can you verify all the information on there is correct," she asked, pushing the band under the glass wall between them. Jay read things thoroughly but quickly, confirming that it was his name above the date and doctors name, the only hiccup was that the band read Northwestern, which he almost called out but then remembered where he was. Sheesh, sleep really was needed or the tumor was doing a number on him.

"Yup, that's all correct."

"Hold your wrist out."

"Which one," Jay nervously asked.

"Oh it doesn't matter. They'll need both wrists anyway and they'll work around the band." Jay extended his left wrist and before he could embrace it he was officially checked into surgery, the first of many bands being proof of that.

"They'll call you back in a few minutes. Good luck!" Jay wasn't sure if the last part was said out of pity or just the woman's thing, but he nodded anyway, slowly walking back to a seated Will and Hailey.

"So, how did it go," Will jokingly asked, watching his brother twist the band a couple times. Almost in a very OCD thing, he wanted the sticky part underneath so that the lettering was easy to see.

"I just told her my name and I'm checked in."

"How are the nerves," Hailey asked. Jay contemplated answering, but the day had other things in mind.

"Jay Halstead," cried out from the other side of the waiting room, the door being held open for him as a nurse stood in wait. It was time to move again.

"Not great," he answered as he stood up, waiting till they were upright before they all moved to the door.

"Good morning, I'll be your pre-op nurse. Let's get you back there and set up." Jay took lead of the three of them, all following the nurse to a full, yet small, glass room just a couple yards away from the door. It was becoming more and more apparent that Jay was the only patient on this floor or getting surgery today. The whole place was absolutely still, Jay about to ask if they were open or supposed to be back here right now. No joke, the floors had that crackling and settling noise to them, the lights looking to be dimmed down and just about everything was sound asleep. Jay's pre-op room was the only room with a light on, creating this Heavenly cascading of light in that hallway.

"And here is where we'll be," she announced, ushering for Jay to get in the room and sit on the bed, the two other just standing in a corner and watching. Jay noted the hospital gown and socks stacked at the end of the bed, swallowing at the very real truth he'd have to put those on in a few minutes. It was becoming very real very fast. He was actually doing this thing.

"Let me scan your band really quick, just so we can get things pulled up before you change." Jay held out his wrist, watching the grocery store looking reader scan his wrist and all his information pop up on the screen. Technology, it was amazing.

"And you have a latex allergy?"

"Yes."

"Okay, and when was the last time you ate."

"Before 8pm last night."

"And when was the last time you had to use the restroom?"

"Before we left so a half an hour or so ago."

"And do you feel like you need to go now?" Jay shook his head.

"Okay, good! I'm going to go grab your allergy band and you can change while I'm gone. Everything off, put it in your bag and then put the gown and socks on." Jay swallowed, or at least tried his best to. The nerves were now to the point of suffocating him. It was so odd, back at home he wanted things to slow down, now he just wished he could be knocked out right now. He couldn't take another moment of waiting. Perhaps that was the true reason for pre-op, to get you to this moment of wanting your surgery to happen.

"We can turn around," Hailey offered once the nurse had left and closed the door.

"Fine," Jay said, removing the hoodie and then taking things off one at a time. It's amazing what a lack of clothing will reveal to you. For starters, the once thought of warm room was now absolutely freezing. Jay could hardly wait to throw the dress and socks on and bounce into bed.

"Just worry about getting changed, we can put the clothes away," Will offered with hands over his eyes. Jay rolled his eyes, chuckling that his brother could sense the mental situation in his mind. He did as was told, soon dressed to the point of needing help.

"Can you do the back? I can't totally reach it." Will removed his hands and opened his eyes, tying the bottom half of the gown for Jay.

"Alright, you're good," he announced, gently patting his brother's back. Jay finally sat down on the gurney, realizing he probably should've held a small ceremony for that being his last moment up on his feet. Lord only knew when he'd be doing that again. Hailey was in the middle of packing his bag with the discarded clothing as the nurse returned.

"Alright, let's get some leads on you and get the IV set up." Will and Hailey were quick to eye Jay, who in return shook his head and rolled his eyes as he laid his head back on the pillow. Leads were stuck to his chest one at a time, the first of many things that would be stuck to his body that day. A couple minutes later the sounds of a heart beating echoed in the room.

"It all looks good," the nurse announced, going to Jay's right with IV kit in hand.

"Well that heart rate is about to go up," Will teased.

"Shut up," Jay shot back as he nervously extended his wrist.

"Oh, you don't like needles?" All three of them shook their heads at the same time.

"Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this won't be the only one today."

"But, it'll be the only one he's aware of…right?" Bless Will and always trying to make things better.

"Yes, the others will be when he's in the OR." "Others," Jay quietly spoke up, which was also the exact moment the IV needle was pushed into his wrist. Will and Hailey smirked as they watched the heart rate climb upward just a bit. Poor Jay, he was never going to make it to a point of not being squeamish.

"All done! See, that wasn't so bad." Jay watched the IV line get connected to the port in his wrist, following it all the way to the clear bag of liquid behind him, then following the dripping liquids go back down towards him and disappear into his wrist. One medical thing down, so so many still to go. The nurse promised to be back in a few minutes, allowing all of them some very precious few moments together. Jay closed his eyes, still resting on the pillow as Hailey took a seat on the bed.

"How are the nerves now," she asked once more, reaching out for his left hand. She knew full well that he wasn't going to let anyone touch his right side while the IV was very much known.

"A little better," he spoke through closed eyes.

"You're doing great, Jay," Will encouraged, choosing to sit in the very small chair in the left corner of the room. Jay nodded, focusing on breathing and being as calm as he could. In reality nerves were at an all time high. All he could see, hear, think, be was that he was now minutes away from going under. Life almost felt to be coming to a close in a way. The curtain of life was slowly, yet successfully shutting on him. He only prayed they opened once more for an encore. But, of course, he never told this to anyone. They all sat in silence once more, listening to Jay's heart beat over the monitor and Will watch the fluids fall out of the bag and into his brother's IV. Again, they all were very clueless on what to say or not say, so they just took Jay's lead. As long as he wasn't up for last minute, deep and philosophical talks then they were most definitely not going to ask.

For the next half hour things picked up tremendously. People came and went, people from all areas of the OR team came, asked questions, did their best to help Jay get ready for what was about to happen. He learned that essentially he'd be on life support in the immediate hours after surgery, which as much as that scared him almost gave him comfort in the confidence that he'd make it out of that OR alive. Then there was the talk about anesthesia and side effects and how he'd be completely out and unaware of things for the duration of the surgery. And let's not forget the other fact that he'd probably still wake up with the breathing tube in place, which absolutely lifted his spirits. As the minutes ticked off and the people came and went, it was very hard to keep the nerves and anxiety in tact. Will and Hailey were quick to recognize it, in between meetings asking if Jay wanted something to help him get relaxed and at a state of not being overly stressed. Each time he shook them off, saying he wanted to remember this part of everything. But then, just a few minutes before things reached a whole new level of real, Dr. Heart walked through the door with the brightest of smiles and warmest of vibes.

"Good morning, Jay! Scale of one to ten how nervous are we?"

"A solid ten." He knew he could say whatever to her and she wouldn't judge. She was about to crack his head open, there wasn't a point in BSing with her.

"I know I'm sure. Well we can give you the relaxant now. It'll really help."

"I'm fine," Jay spoke for the millionth time that hour. Amelia nodded, moving closer into the room with her arms crossed. The gum wasn't in her mouth today, but the wheelie shoes were back. It was concluded that those were her surgery shoes, Jay praying she didn't slip and cut something major while he was under.

"Okay, looking over your chart everything looks to be in order. Blood work is great and we've got the will and all paperwork is signed. Any last minute questions for me?" Jay thought about it for a moment, but concluded there wasn't anything. He was minutes, a handful of them, away from getting into that OR. What was the point in asking about something he was very soon going to have no awareness of. So he shook his head.

"Okay, what about you two," she asked, turning to Will and Hailey now. They looked every bit as nervous and sick as they did the day she met them in Jay's room, the only exception was that they weren't crying, but looking close to it.

"How long is this going to take," Hailey quietly asked?

"Well, we start at seven so…probably 2 or 3 in the afternoon? There's a good amount of prep before and after." Hailey nodded, adjusting on her spot on the bed as she looked back to Jay who could only nod. He was doing everything to not throw up or pass out.

"When could he wake up," Will asked?

"Oh, he might start resurfacing tonight. But I would say full awake will be tomorrow probably. It's a pretty intense operation so it's gunna take a minute for things to reboot." Jay was finding it so comical to listen to people speak about him like he wasn't right there in the room with them. It was absolutely nothing to be joking about, but somehow he found a way to find the humor in it all. He wasn't even in the OR yet and they were acting like he was already under and gone from them. Some might be offended by that, Jay got a kick out of it.

"Anything else? Any last words?"

"Just take the fucker out," Jay joked, Hailey's stomach rolling upside down. There was the monster, rearing it's very ugly head. Gosh she couldn't wait till that thing was gone and Jay's controlled personality was fully intact once more.

"I'm going to try my very best. Now, here comes the fun part." She pulled a purple Sharpie out of her pocket, uncapping it as she brought it to Jay's forehead.

"I need to trace the hairline so I know where to not make the incision," she spoke as the marker touched down and traced from left to right, all across Jay's hairline. Hailey smirked as she held his hand tighter, trying to her best to make Jay see that it was fine and no one was judging.

"Okay, I will see you in a couple minutes and you two, hopefully later this afternoon. Hang in there, Jay. I think you're gunna do great. See you back there." She extended a fist for him to bump with, and after a snort and chuckling Jay didn't leave her hanging. One final wave from his savior and she was gone. This would be the last time Jay recalls seeing her this side of surgery.

"Alright, OR is just about set up so they want me to administer the relaxant now," the nurse spoke as she returned to the room. The watching of the drawer open, syringe getting loaded, and the talked about it while watching it get plunged into his IV were the final clear and coherent moments Jay had that day. As the drugs were being put into his system he realized this was the first powerful thing to enter him. One down, countless more still to go. He was on the runway now.

"It should be another five, six minutes," she announced, all of them watching the instant release and relaxation of Jay as the speedy drugs did their thing. He went from looking like he wanted to murder to not caring if he was murdered in about a minute. His eyes were closed once more, whole body relaxed a little more on the gurney as his growing limp hand stayed in Hailey's hand like a dead fish.

"We need to make this quick. He's not going to remember any of this by the time they come get him," Will spoke as it was just the three of them again, for the final time. Hailey nodded, now sniffing away the tears as she turned to fully face Jay. He looked so peaceful, so calm and not at all like he was about to enter an OR and undergo life changing surgery. He was sweet, quiet, very much him. It was perfect to leave him this way, see him as normal as he could possibly be before they watched him get wheeled off into the unknown.

"Hey, Jay." Hailey squeezed his hand, not blinking till he peeled his eyes open. She made it through smiling before the tears started pouring down her face.

"Don't start crying or I'll start crying and it'll be a whole thing," Jay lazily spoke. Oh yeah, he was definitely relaxed now. His voice sounded like Jay five days into a beach vacation: not a care in the world.

"I'm sorry. You look cute," she joked as she wiped under her eyes. Jay smirked, squeezing her hand as he looked to Will.

"So, what are you guys doing today? We all know what I'm doing. But what do you guys have planned for the rest of the day?"

"I don't know, we haven't thought that far yet. But don't worry, we'll figure something out."

"Okay, let's get this over with." Jay opened his arms so the two of them could hug him at the same time, the three way hug very confined and a little uncomfortable for Jay due to his IV fear, but for the next minute they all sat there, taking everything in and appreciating the time they had with Jay. It was going to feel like a lifetime before they did this again.

"Love you," Hailey whispered in his ear, kissing said ear before moving to his cheek and repeating.

"I'm not kissing you," Will spoke, making Hailey pull away from Jay.

"That would be weird," Jay said, instead giving his brother another hug.

"You better behave in there," Will said as he pulled away.

"I know."

"Jay seriously," Hailey cut in.

"You have to come back." Jay rolled his eyes.

"Guys, it's not like I'm trying to make things difficult here," he joked. Now it was their turn to roll their eyes. Jay Halstead never did things easy and straight forward.

"I love you two equally," his final words to them were, because just as he finished it was time to go their separate ways. Will and Hailey stepped aside, allowing the OR team to grab hold of the gurney and push Jay out into the hallway. He turned his head a couple times, trying to get those last looks from them. Will lied, he did kiss his brother, albeit an air kiss, but it totally counts.

"Love you," Hailey shouted as Jay was halfway between the room and OR doors. He gave her a solid thumbs up before he disappeared from their view. The two people standing there watching had never been more proud of Jay. Just like that, he was gone. Full release of control, power, and fate happened just like that and just that quickly. Cue the waterworks from the two of them. Jay wasn't here to watch them sob anymore.

Meanwhile in Jay's world the talked about blacking out was very much happening. Time, life, everything was moving in a very staccato, stop motion manner. He has no memory of the trip from that hallway to being right next to the OR table, just remembers looking over and seeing it right next to him. He recalled the picking up and being let down onto said table, telling himself that this was where fate would be decided, the scene of the battle had finally arrived. What he jokingly hoped for was a choir of singing people and some kind of pump up music, introducing him fighter style as he entered the proverbial ring. Instead all he got was a sterile, cold, super white room filled with lights and instruments and people that would be spending the next several hours in his head. It wasn't the poetic march into battle, but it would do. But then he blacked out once more, only resurfacing when someone told him to breathe deep as a mask was placed over his nose and mouth. The air tasted funny, was both thick and easy to breathe in. He was flying down that runway now, no one or thing holding him back from what was coming next. He only prayed he didn't say anything stupid. The very last thing he heard before going under was the signature high to low buzzing of a razor going off somewhere behind him. One breath, two, a solid blink later the darkness and all it's peace and quiet and relaxation took him under. Jay Halstead was checked out for the rest of the day. It was fight time, a monster was going down. There was no other option. It was showtime.

…

"So, what are we doing now," Hailey asked once the two of them had quieted down a little, collecting themselves as they thought.

"Well, we can't really leave, nor do I think either of us wants to do that, so we're just gunna wait it out." Hailey nodded, using her long sleeve to wipe under her eyes before she cleared her throat. The very thought of waiting stirred up so much dread inside her. She was already hating the silence, the idea of not knowing what was going on every single second of the day. Her whole job was to be in the know, to figure things out and solve the mysteries of the world. So to remove all of that from her and force her to sit in a room with nothing but a maybe was enough to make her want to pull her hair out. She just didn't have it in her, but she also didn't have another solution. Ideally a fast forward button was what she wanted, but instead what she could use was sleep…and some food, in no particular order.

"Will, I can't sit in an enclosed room all day waiting. I just want to go home and pull up the covers and never come out."

"But, then you'd miss him being all done," Will playfully joked. Hailey rolled her eyes, sighing as she looked around at their surroundings. Luckily no one had come out into the pre-op area's hallway, because surely they'd be getting looks and questions by now. Jay was ten minutes into his assumed seven hour surgery, a mere droplet in the swimming pool sized body of water. There was so much still to go and yet, both of them were ready for things to be over. The day was going to suck royally for all.

"Will, where are going to go?" Will shrugged, looking around for a sign, seriously, eyes zeroing in on something that read 'surgical waiting.' It was pointing away from where they first waited, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Let's go see where this sign is pointing." Will started walking without making sure Hailey was behind him. He took one, five, ten steps before he hit the left hand turn towards the mystery place. It was here that he paused, looking back and finding Hailey exactly where he left her. She looked to be on the verge of tears again, scared straight and locked right in her position. Truly she was feeling it all a whole lot more then any of them right now.

"Hailey, come on. You can do it." She shook her head.

"I can't leave him." That was when the lower lip started quivering again, Hailey slapping and hand over her mouth as she long blinked, trying to keep the tears away. It wasn't working. Will helplessly sighed, walking back towards her before grabbing a hand, wrapping the other arm across her back so he could help her walk.

"Hailey, we can't stay right here all day. Jay is going to be okay. Right now he needs you to trust that and be strong for him." Hailey shook her head, beginning to collapse before Will put a stop to that. Another round of hugging from Will, slowly brushing a hand up and down her back as she sobbed and wept for the great unknown. They stood in the hallway for another couple minutes, Will now convinced people could hear them and were avoiding the hallway as best they could. It was one thing to be two days out from Christmas and dead, but going this long without a single soul in the hallway was very unlikely, especially for a place as busy as Northwestern. So, before their luck ran out and things got awkward, Will went back to supporting Hailey in walking, reminding her to take things one step at a time. At first she shook her head, not wanting to budge, but Will kept trying and eventually they were on the move. She didn't take her eyes off the OR door Jay disappeared behind till it was out of sight.

"Good, you're doing great," Will encouraged as they found the room they were looking for, opening the door to a rather quiet, quaint, yet comfortable looking room. Instead of the usual, office looking chairs that were never comfortable or easy to sit in, there was an actual couch, chairs, even a recliner in one spot. In a basket next to the couch were blankets and sleeping pillows, a large TV hung on the wall and the remote on a coffee table in the middle of the room. Barring a fireplace, this room looked exactly like the coziest living room you'd ever find. The calming neutral hues and added warmth to the room almost pushed the two of them into the space, Will quietly closing the door behind them as Hailey claimed the couch for herself, laying straight out across the flat surface. She'd hoped Will didn't have any plans or desire to sit there with her because she wasn't giving this up.

"So, what do we think is going on with him," she asked, sighing as she did another scan of the room.

"How about this," Will began, taking the recliner opposite the room from her.

"What if we don't ask those kind of questions?" Hailey furrowed her brow, a little shocked Will, the ER doctor and all things medicine, was going to suggest they live in the unknown.

"What?"

"Hailey, I think it's best we don't know or try to figure out what is happening to him. We all know he needs it and that it will save him, but when you start thinking of how he's going to get saved, it's a little too much. So, how about we not ask specific details till it's all over?" Hailey thought about it for a moment, soon realizing Will was right. Being totally honest, that was why she was an emotional mess thus far. It was the idea of someone breaking into Jay's head, the very epicenter of his whole being, and messing with that that she was truly struggling with. So not talking about it was not a sign that they didn't care, but yet more trust that those with him right now were doing what they needed to do. This is why family doesn't watch surgeries or get full, heavily detailed reports on things. Because it's just not something a loved one needs on their psyche. As long as they knew their person was okay, or going to be okay, then that was all they could ask for and live with.

"So," Will went on.

"As long as we don't see Dr. Heart between now and…2:30 let's say, then we are safe to assume that things are going well. I think that will help this day go a little faster. Will looked down at his watch, reading 7:30am. They were T-minus seven hours away from his deadline. That was practically a full workday away; so much time left to kill.

"Are you hungry? Do you need anything," Will asked. Hailey at first shook her head, reaching for the TV remote. If she had to sit here all day, you best believe she was going to get lost in trash TV.

"Hailey, you have to eat something. You cannot expect to help him when you have an empty tank," Will started, both of them laughing at the sound of Hailey's stomach growling extra loud. The noise rang out in the quiet room, causing both of them to laugh for a good minute or so. It felt good, something they had to keep doing the rest of the day.

"What would you like? I don't mind going and getting it."

"I can go with you," Hailey said as she shot up from her spot. The very thought of getting out of here, even if only for a few minutes, was music to her ears.

"I…don't know if they'll allow it."

"Well can we go ask?" Will thought about it for a moment, soon rising from his chair and heading for the door. He was gone and back in three minutes, giving her a thumbs up as he reentered.

"They said it's fine, just to come back here when we get back. I gave them my number in case anything comes up while we're out." Note that he didn't say in case something happened. Again, trying to put her at ease as best he could.

"So, what would you like?"

"What do they have around here? That's even open? I know a lot of places are having weird hours this week given everything." Will pulled out his phone, scanning the map for a few minutes as he shook his head.

"There's not much. There's Starbucks but that's about it for breakfast places." "Starbucks is fine." Hailey was up and on her feet, stretching as she spoke.

"What do we do with our bags?" "Just leave them here. No one is taking them. And from the looks of it no one is coming in here today." "Yeah, because who has surgery two days before Christmas?"

"Aside from Jay? No one," Will teased. Hailey smirked and nodded, rummaging for her wallet before Will stopped her.

"Hailey, don't worry about it. It's my treat."

"Will, don't be silly. I can pay for my food."

"Hailey, it's a treat. Let's not be a terrible gift receiver." Hailey rolled her eyes, putting her bag down and meeting Will at the door. He offered her an arm to grab as the two of them strolled arm in arm, in a totally friendly way. They walked by the OR doors once more, Hailey stopping them for just a moment to send her best wishes Jay's way. What they didn't know was as they were boarding the elevator, the first incision of the day was in process. It was too late to turn back now. Jay was in the thick of it.

…

Even at 7:45 in the morning, any Starbucks is absolutely slammed. The line was almost to the door, people crammed in with extra thick coats on, fuzzy boots, and festive hates, gloves, scarves, and clothing underneath the outer layer. It was almost comical, walking into Starbucks. Given all that was going on in their lives, steeping into a Christmas wonderland, filled with music and decorated trees and sparkling lights was such a huge contrast to the life Will and Hailey were living. Everything was so happy, so full of promise and good tidings that it was all a joke to them. Now of course, they weren't trying to be a bunch of Scrooges and downers on the Christmas season. Any other holiday season Hailey would be wearing her whole wardrobe of ugly, big Christmas sweaters this entire week of Christmas, Will would admit to humming a good carol or too as well. But it was the nature of the day, what was going to be happening over the rest of the holiday season that was putting a bit of a damper on things. Imagine going from sobbing your eyes out over a loved one being taken away for major brain surgery and a few minutes later you're listening to Jingle Bells sung by some pop artist as a large, white Christmas tree was practically thrown in your face. It's quite hard to get into the spirit. Still though, the two of them put on their best brave and normal faces, trying their very best to not put others in the very awkward and mixed Christmas spirit they were in. Instead they just looked to the other, smirked and shrugged their shoulders as they waited in line to order. Every now and then they'd point things out, coffee mugs or the size of the reusable cups and how they seemed to get bigger every time they came into a Starbucks. But for the most part they were silent, allowing all the talking and music and coffee making sound to fill their minds. In all honesty it was a good distraction.

"I love that everyone is wearing Christmas stuff and there's happy Christmas music playing yet no one looks to be remotely happy," Will whispered to Hailey when they were next in line. She took a quick look around the place and laughed so hard.

"Oh gosh, that's so awful yet so true," Hailey laughed as they finally made their way to the counter. Will was spot on. There wasn't a happy face or smile in the building. All looked exhausted, drained, ready for December 26th to arrive, no one was in that holiday spirit in the least. And a White Peppermint Mocha wasn't going to be the magical elixir for it either. That was all people were buying in front of them to the point Will and Hailey thought it was a given item on anyone orders. Yes, they wanted a green tea and White Peppermint Mocha, or a cranberry scone and White Peppermint Mocha. And the best of all, a water and White Peppermint Mocha. Again, more comedy and humorous human observation, just doing their best to keep you-know-who at peace in the back of their mind.

"Hi, what can I get you," the girl behind the counter asked, in her most enthused yet overly worked voice. She was over it, they both got it.

"I'm good, thank you," Hailey said, which was so many layers of lying and deception. Rare was it okay to lie and this was certainly one of those times. Tell someone the true mood you were in and they'd look at you like you were crazy.

"Can I have a grande coffee with cream and also an order of the kale and mushroom egg bites…and a breakfast sandwich." Will eyebrows perked up, looking at her with total joking judgement.

"What?! I'm hungry. I eat when I'm nervous." Will smirked, looking to the girl to speak his order.

"I'd like a venti coffee, black, and an order of the traditional oatmeal."

"Do you want the sides with that?" "Yes, thank you. And no White Peppermint Mocha from the two of us so you'll love us." The girl ringing things up chuckled, rolling her eyes as she read off the total. Will paid, the two of them slid down to the waiting area and that was where Hailey couldn't hold it in any longer.

"What are you, a thousand years old?" Will looked her way quite confused.

"A black coffee and oatmeal? Traditional oatmeal?!"

"What?! I'm a simple guy! I'm not into the hipster, fancy sous vide egg bite crap like you and Jay are."

"Since when was coffee and cream hipster?!" Will rolled his eyes, making Hailey laugh and brush a hand on his arm for bracing.

"So sorry. I'll just eat my very offensive food out in the hallway while you have yours in the waiting room." Hailey rolled her eyes, smacking Will before she changed the subject.

"What should we do for Christmas?" Will shrugged, grabbing his coffee and Hailey's and handing it off to her.

"I don't know. I think it'll depend on how he's doing. Did you guys ever talk about it?"

"No, we haven't discussed anything past today. We don't even have a tree up or anything."

"Well we should fix that before we get back home." Hailey's eyebrows shot up.

"We should let Trudy do it! Oh man, she'd go all out. She's been dying to help and I know she'd love to do that." "That's a great idea! Just nothing too crazy. We don't need to overwhelm him." And that was the first very real kick of the day. Christmas lights, a tree, something you never think of as a brain overwhelming thing. But for Jay, that was going to be a very real thing this year. Whether he liked it or not, his brain was going to be rather sensitive when he woke up, and would be for some time. So he had to be careful, take things very slow and be very aware of when things were too much. It was most definitely going to be an adjustment, but in the immediate it was hitting Will and Hailey the most. So much that once was was going to be no more. They could only hope that a lot of it was temporary.

"Well we should still do something for him Christmas Day. It's Christmas and I know he's going to hate being stuck in the hospital for it." "Yeah, we'll think of something. But again, I think it'll really hinge on how he's doing." Hailey nodded, pointing to the food waiting on the counter for them to pick up. They grabbed their items, dashed out of the store and just about ran as best and steadily as they could to the waiting room. Ten minutes later they were back in their places, Hailey letting Will eat his old people food in front of her as she downed her first egg bite in two bites. They should've renamed it to egg two-bites. It was a good, mild, enjoyable morning in the room of waiting. Hailey finished her breakfast with a nice morning nap, Will landing on Keeping Up With The Kardashians as she dozed off. As Jay suggested, both of them were taking a nap that day.

…

"Oh God, Will," Hailey moaned from the couch. It was 11am now. Four and a half hours in, three and a half to go. They were past halfway now, the morning seemingly flying past them. Thank you naps and TV for helping with that. Hailey indeed took a three hour nap, Will was totally encapsulated in the world of Kardashian. People were fighting over the silliest first world things, everything was such a big deal when to everyone else in the world it was nothing but pure entertainment. Will found himself chuckling over salad eating and family drama as he sat in a waiting room, awaiting the outcome of a brain operation. All of it felt second to what was going on in his life, none of it mattering or comparing to the true chaos and drama in his own life. But still, he was enjoying the highly entertaining distraction. He was so into the show that at first he didn't notice Hailey had woken up from her nap, too lost in the rich and famous lifestyle that he didn't noticed her eyes open and moving around, looking around at the room before turning onto her back and looking straight up at the ceiling. The room was still so cozy, but something felt to be missing from it all. It was too quiet, too still, clearly missing something, or someone. That was when the thought struck her, feeling so insanely stupid for not realizing this sooner. Now she wondered if Jay was aware of this as well, or would he be waking up to the very real truth of this like she just did.

"What," Will asked, turning the TV down and moving in his chair so that he was facing her. Hailey pulled the blanket that was on top of her to her waist, sitting up on the couch as she tried to find the courage to speak her current giant fearful thought.

"How, did we…in the middle of all of this…not realize he has cancer. His tumor is cancerous. He has brain cancer, right?!" Will now muted the TV, putting the remote down and looking back at her. He was fully aware of this, was kind of waiting for one of the two of them to say it so they could bring it up. It was very true, technically Jay did have a cancer growing in his brain. That on top of the tumor being present, it was also posing a very real threat of being cancer. That was a whole other conversation that needed to be had. He really wished it had taken place before they were in a waiting room the day of surgery and truly wished Jay was here for this. But alas, this would have to do.

"Yes, he does. The tumor is a cancerous tumor. Therefore, he does technically have cancer."

"Shit," she quietly spoke, looking out at nothing and letting those words sink in. Jay Halstead, the man she loved and cared so deeply for had cancer. He was now a member of a whole other people group. He was now considered a high risk person. He had the life taker, the big C word that so many people feared and ran away from their whole life. It was living inside him, had been for quite some time. Jay Halstead had cancer. And yet, through this very startling realization she was not crying. Perhaps it was the cry session from earlier that was drying up all tears inside of her, or she'd grown so accustomed to nothing but bad news that it was just news to her now. But now her mind was going to what would happen after this surgery, the life that he would be waking up to. On top of him just trying to live and get through recovery without deficits, was he looking at other treatment options as well. Dr. Heart talked about it way, way back the very first day they met her. But somehow in all the calamity and denial of this day that whole part of the conversation had slipped her mind. She couldn't believe they were here.

"He's too young for all of this," eventually fell out of her mouth, Hailey catching herself before she puked fear.

"Yeah, he is. But unfortunately this kind of cancer is most common in males between 30 and 40. So in the grand scheme of things, yes he is very young to be having a cancer like this. But also he's right in that prime age bracket as well. But it doesn't lessen the fact that this royally sucks. It's super, super rare to get what he has." Hailey nodded, messing with the blanket in her lap. Leave it to Jay to defy odds and get something next to no one ever dealt with in their life. She kept going back to that day in September, when being where they were now, the signs were so obvious. It wasn't just a headache day, it was the start of Jay's demise.

"I just don't get why he deserves this. He's been through so much as is. So why this on top of everything else?!" Will shrugged.

"I don't know. There are some things we just don't understand this side of life."

"If we had caught this sooner, would we be where we are right now?" Will thought about that one for a moment, realizing he'd thought the very same thing over and over again these last few weeks. He knew the first course of treatment for really any tumor was surgery, so regardless of the degree of danger they would be right here, in this room doing what they were doing. But would it have been two days before Christmas and things as peril as they were? That was something he didn't have a full idea on. But whatever the answer, the fact was that they were here and this was their life. It seemed pointless to talk about a past they couldn't change. Like wondering if they should've put fireproof walls on a now burnt house, there was no going back and fixing things. They were where they were. Jay was certainly looking at a tough road ahead of him, but there was a path to healing and overcoming the monster in his head. They had to cling to that both today and everyday other the next however many days and months it took to getting him better. There was no other option.

"Hailey, I think were too far down the road to be asking those kind of questions. Whatever happened in the past, whatever timing was taken, it would've still brought us to this moment. But it doesn't change the fact that he's getting the help he needs right now, okay? I know that's a terrible answer, but it's the truth." Hailey nodded, sitting a little further down in the couch, looking over at the empty end of the couch and wishing Jay was sitting there with them. She hated the void, the empty space in their lives right now.

"So is he looking at chemo or radiation?" "Possibly. It all depends on how much of this tumor gets taken out and what it looks like on a molecular level. But again, we won't know for a couple days. Regardless, the next couple of weeks are going to be about helping him recover to a point where additional treatment would be necessary. It won't all happen right away." More waiting, exactly what Hailey wanted in her life. She was sick of the waiting, could have an entire life without it. But then again, without waiting there was no excitement and hope and chance for things to change. So as much as she despised it, it had to happen and she had to accept that.

"You said it depends on how much they take out. Can't they take all of it out and that be it?"

"That's a possibility. It depends on where it is and the spread and if there's a lot of healthy brain tissue around it. But it's a possibility." What he didn't tell Hailey was that the odds of that were very slim. Especially with higher grade cancerous tumors, it was almost guaranteed that chemo and radiation of some kind of combination were needed after surgery. Will was aware of this, but didn't want to guilt or stress Hailey anymore then she already was.

"I miss him."

"I know, me too." Will looked over at Hailey, watch her sniff and adjust in her seat so that she was distracting herself away from the idea of crying. Will wished there was a way to help her get through this, get Jay out of danger and life back to the way it once was. But the only way to that was through the hellfire of fighting a tumor.

"You okay," he asked Hailey? She nodded, fluffing the blanket up before she spoke.

"Yeah, I refuse to cry anymore. So can you turn up the TV? I'd love to get lost in someone else's problems for a little bit." Will smirked, finding the remote and cranking things back up.

"God their voices are so annoying," Will commented.

"I know," Hailey laughed with her eyes glued to the screen. Meanwhile, Jay was about seventy percent tumor free right then. He was battling hard and doing amazing, but only part of the battle was getting the sucker out. The rest was yet to come. And that part was perhaps being the biggest yet.

…

"So, what do you guys do for Christmas," Hailey asked when she couldn't take another moment of trash TV anymore. Will looked up from the resting spot on the arm of the chair, turning the TV down as he looked back at her.

"What?!"

"What do you guys do for Christmas now? Jay's told me about what you guys did back when you were little, but I've never heard how you do Christmas now." Will lifted his head off from his fist, stretching as he thought about the question. In all honesty they didn't really have any standing traditions anymore. They never really did when they were younger, at the most it was a big Christmas dinner that night. But in terms of tree decorations or gathering with family and friends, that was something they never did. It was all about hanging out, being with each other. Both of their parents worked, a lot, and so seeing them was a holiday in and of itself. It wasn't what most people did and to a lot of people it sounded very depressing, but that was Christmas growing up. They never knew any other way.

"Now?! Oh, we usually go out and eat at whatever place is open Christmas night. Or we'll get something the day before and then hang out at one of our places Christmas night. I know he's told you that we never really had Christmas plans when we were little, and we've kind of kept that going now that we're both adults. It's not the perfect Christmas idea that a lot of people have, but it's just what we do."

"Oh do tell me about a perfect holiday season," Hailey joked under her breath, pausing to stretch herself as Will nodded in response. There wasn't much else that needed to be said, they both knew the backstory and reason why her Christmas was never jolly and bright.

"So what do you do now? Do you still go home?" Hailey kind of shook her head.

"It depends on the year. Sometimes yes, I'll go because my brothers practically beg me. But then there's almost always a blow up and I leave before we get to dessert. So then the next year I swear I'm not going and then the year after it starts all over again. I know, it's not pretty at all."

"Hey, don't think you're getting any kind of judgement from me. Trust me, Christmas with dad was never great, especially after mom passed. She was the thing that kept everyone from breaking out in a fight. Once that barrier was no longer there, there really wasn't anything holding him back from sharing his true feelings. I know, there is no comparison between our situations…but in a way I get it."

"Yeah, thanks," Hailey quietly trailed off with. As terrible as it was that Jay was off having surgery, the bright spot was that for the first time in her life, she had a legitimate reason to miss Christmas with her family. Since getting engaged there was a very loose plan for starting a Christmas tradition between the two of them. But, an evil tumor got in the way of delaying all of that for a year. Or so Hailey hoped.

"So, first Christmas is off to a good start," Will joked, seeming to be reading Hailey's mind. She rolled her eyes, sighing as she looked to the waiting room door.

"Ugh, this better not be the tradition we talked about having." Will laughed, reaching for his water cup he'd gotten from down the hall, taking a sip as Hailey reached for her phone.

"Trudy texted. She's got the tree almost done!" Hailey turned the phone to face Will, the two of them smiling as she went through the series of pictures the sergeant had sent.

"Man she's quick," Will remarked, noting that the whole tree had been purchased, lights put on, and almost all new decorations were on the tree. It was very traditional, not too crazy like was requested. Jay was going to love the surprise when they got home, and would feel incredibly guilty someone had to set up Christmas in his place for him. He'd have to get over that.

"She loves doing this kind of stuff. You should see her place, it's like a serious Christmas store. Lights, decorations, music, everything you could think of she probably has." Hailey was just about to send out a text of thanks when a very unexpected knock rang out on the waiting room door. Hailey quick literally jumped, a small squeak slipping out of her as her phone crashed down to her lap. Will immediately shut the TV off, sitting up as straight as he could in a reclining chair. In walked a very exhausted appearing Dr. Heart. Her whole person was slouched down, her once very happy demeanor was depleted yet creating the idea that things weren't okay. She did her best to smile, letting out a small wave as she came through the door, shutting it behind her before she sat down. It was the long exhale and deep breathing that was setting Hailey off. That and she had no clue what time it was but it felt to be sooner then the expected time of arrival.

"What time is it," Hailey quietly asked? Dr. Heart looked down at the phone in her hand as she answered the question.

"3:30pm." Hailey's went wide, looking to Will for an explanation. How could he let the time expire for a full hour without her knowing. But then she realized why, she'd be an emotional wreck if she knew. So in the end, she nodded a thank you at him.

"So, how did he do," Will asked. He could not wait a moment longer.

"Well, he's a fighter I'll tell you. That was not easy. The scans were very thorough, but it's one thing to see a tumor on a scan but a whole other thing actually viewing it in person. I'll be honest, seeing it for the first time made me nervous. There were so many tentacles, as I like to call them, that were coming off the main epicenter of the tumor. A couple tentacles had other branches on them. It truly was a dark, evil monster. That was not an easy surgery. A lot of frustration and a lot of rethinking things and game planning. But he did great. Didn't have any issues. We did the full set of monitoring devices on him to track for reflexes and brain function and he never had an issue. Again, I can't stress enough that he did amazing. Not everyone does as great as he did. He hung in there, even when I thought things were too bad." As promising as all of this sounded, and as happy as they both were to hear that Jay did an amazing job, there was still the proverbial 'but' that needed to drop. There was too much praise and struggle and not enough results. In fact, zero results were said up to this point. They were happy that Jay was alive, but now very nervous that nothing had been said about his current condition.

"But," Hailey finally spoke up? She too couldn't wait any longer.

"Well, it's a half but. We kind of knew going in that it was going to be very, very hard to get the whole thing out. Just given where it was and seeing how deep it went, that was basically mission impossible. But, I am very happy to say that we got ninety-two percent of that beast out of there." Hailey's eyes perked up, looking to Will who could only nod. It was good news, Jay was mostly tumor free! But it was the remaining eight percent that was going to dictate his next few months of life. It wasn't the ideal news they all were looking for, but given how bad things were for Jay was and getting ninety-two percent out was an early Christmas miracle.

"Is that common," Will asked? "Only getting that much?" Will nodded.

"Well, it varies by surgeon but I always aim for at least ninety. This was a huge tumor, twenty centimeters in diameter at the widest point, then you have all the tentacles and channels it grew through. So anything above that is amazing. Yes, he is looking at further treatment down the not too distant road, but treating eight percent versus fifteen, twelve, even ten percent is a massive difference compared to what he has left. It means treatment that isn't as long or as severe. We did put two chemo disks in the area of the eight percent. Those will fully dissolve in three weeks and then after that he'll probably start oral chemo rounds. Radiation is also on the table. Our oncologist is out on break right now but Monday they'll be back and we'll game plan. I just wanted to get that thing out first before it did more damage." Will nodded, looking to Hailey who was just about beside herself. So much for waiting, step two was already underway. As Jay was just in his infancy of recovery he had chemotherapy inside his brain trying to help him. Chemo, another giant C word that no one ever wanted to hear. It was just solidifying the revelation of earlier that day. Absolutely, Jay Halstead had cancer.

"Is he going to have side effects from the chemo," Hailey asked? Amelia quickly shook her head.

"Oh no, he'll be a little groggy and tired easily, but nothing severe like throwing up or anything like that. It's not that kind of chemo. It still is chemo, but nothing that bad."

"What's he looking at with recovery," Will asked, trying to just move past the whole cancer nightmare of this. Yes, they were all very aware of what was going on right now in Jay's body, but he couldn't dwell on that very long.

"Right now we're calling him critical but stable. I know that sounds scary but it just means he's needing a little more attention then a normal person. His brain has been through a lot today, on top of everything else that's been going on. He's on seizure protocol and cognitive tests every hour, we're still keeping all the monitoring things on him till he's more coherent. So I do have to warn that it is a lot on him and it's scary, but you have to remember it's all there to help and it should come off soon. He's also still breathing with the vent. We have him on an external pace maker just in case his heart decides to act up. It did dip just a little when he came off the anesthesia so just to be careful that's in place. He has a lot of swelling, a little more then the average patient. Again, he's been through a lot so it's very understandable but he's got an ICP monitor in his head and he's also got a drain and he's on a lot of meds to help with the swelling. The next twenty-four hours are going to be very critical. If he gets through those with no issues I'd say his recovery will go beautifully. But he made it, he's still with us and doing amazing despite everything going on. But we've got to closely watch him for the next day at least. From there we'll figure it all out." "When could he wake up?" Amelia thought about that one, checking a text on her phone before she replied.

"Well, he probably won't open his eyes till tomorrow. For some reason that is always the very last part of resurfacing after surgery. It's a very interesting stage of this whole thing, but it's very true nonetheless. But he'll probably starting being able to hear later tonight, maybe having small hand movements after midnight. It's all up to him. But if he's not awake by tomorrow then we're looking at some issues. But, we're definitely not there yet. So far he's done amazing with the first round of post-op tests." Post-op, the two of them could not believe they were at that stage already. It was talked about for so long. Longed for for days, hours, weeks and now, here they were. It was such a beautiful word and one that the two of them were elated for. Jay had made it thus far and was doing incredible. Now they just needed to see him.

"Okay, excellent! He's situated in his room in the Neuro ICU. We call it that instead of the NICU because it confuses everybody. Do you guys want to go see him?" What a silly question, it made both Will and Hailey laugh. They were up and on their feet, gathering their bags and starting to throw their trash away when Amelia told them to leave it. People would come behind them and do that, right now they needed to go see their person. The elevator was boarded quickly and quietly, the doors opening to a very quiet and dark space. The floor felt to be ten degrees hotter then the one they were just one, the floor making it feel like it was closer to midnight then 4pm. There was no noise, no speaking, no chaos. Everything was very calm, quiet, people were in places they needed to be. As Amelia guided them down the various halls and past nurse's stations, it was becoming more daunting and suffocating as to what was on the other end of their journey. Every person in the rooms was unconscious, attached to so many machines it was very hard to make out people. They looked like robots, or experiments that were on their final efforts of trying to survive. If anything, it was driving home the very real truth that Jay's will could very well still play a role in everything. Because this was not how he wanted to go out: machines and medicine doing the most basic things for him: living. He made that very clear thus far and for some reason that was all Hailey could lodge in her mind. If all these people looked this way, then Jay was just as bad, if not worse. It took some time and more quiet padding down hallways and passing rooms, but eventually they were where they needed to be, the lack of a scene in front of them causing a little concern for what was to come. Unlike Med, Northwestern was not made of glass, the rooms only light source was the glass window about midway up the door. Behind everyone else Hailey could not make out the first glimpse of the room Jay was surviving in, but based on Will's reaction it was not good. His eyes were huge, breathing ticking up just a little. He was glued to whatever he was looking at, not looking away as Dr. Heart gave her final word of warning before they dove in.

"I know this is going to be very tough and unsettling to see. But just remember he's still there under everything. His head is wrapped so you can't see any incisions but the drain and ICP monitor are sticking out from the back of his head. He does have a breathing tube in his mouth and feeding tube in his nose. He also has a central line in his neck and a couple more IVs and a lot of wiring on him. He doesn't look well, but just remember it's still him and he's doing very well considering. Okay?!" She looked to both Will and Hailey, waiting for them to nod and reassure her that they were ready for whatever was on the other side. There was no preparation for looking at someone immediately after brain surgery. No matter how ready one thinks they are, they aren't. It's very unsettling to see someone like this and it's never something one can visualize. But, she was happy they were trying their best. Amelia was the first to open the door, doing a once over of Jay and mentally telling him to hang in there and be ready as she opened the door all the way for them. Her assumption was once again completely correct. They made it about halfway through the door before Hailey fell into Will's arm, the two of them quietly sobbing over what was in front of them. To Amelia she was seeing mourning, heartbreak and fear, also a little bit of freaking out. But to her surprise, she'd later learn, it was immense pride in Jay for saying yes to all of this. He wasn't aware what he looked like, but the two of them seeing him like that, like a nearly dead person with no personality lying lifeless in a bed with every medical device strapped to him, was something that would make them second guess the surgery. But even still, Jay said yes, going full throttle into the unknown. They had never been more proud of him in their lives.

"What's with the earplugs," Hailey whispered as she reached through the blankets, finding a very limp, freezing cold hand.

"He has a little bit of sound sensitivity. He reacted very quickly to the hearing test, giving us that clue. Which is partly why we're trying to keep things as quiet as possible." Hailey nodded, squeezing Jay's hand and silently praising that they were here, at this very point in time. He'd made it. She could kiss him if there was a spot on him for her to do that. Alas, there was so little of him not covered by something there was very little free skin.

"We've also got him on a warming monitor. It's common during surgery for a patient to lose body heat. Thus the reason for the cords going into his gown and the extra blankets. We're just warming him back up. It's totally fine." Will and Hailey nodded, looking back down at their person in the bed.

"Hang in there, Jay. We're right here and we're so proud of you," Will whispered. Round 1 of the fight, Jay had emerged victorious. He was still there, still surviving in that very hurt and limited body of his right now. Round 1 was his, but the overall war was just underway. The monster could still have plans up it's sleeve, his brain could decided it was tired of fighting and quit without warning. With so many unknowns nestled in the sea of good hope, it was easy to understand why those very first hours were rather tense, silent, full of prayer. Because there still was the very real truth that a monster existed at the end of this book. But for this December 23rd afternoon, Jay peacefully rested in the neuro ICU and the monster wallowed in it's early defeat. Jay was doing amazing. But so much was still to come. A very tepid stay tuned warning, my climbers, must be administered.