Chapter 8- Coming to Terms
"How's he looking," Hailey asked, on the very tip of her toes trying to look through the window on Jay's door. Her head bobbed back and forth between what was happening in the room and to Will, trying to figure out what was going on. Since Jay's arrival into the scene of things, it became a whirlwind and cluster of people trying to get their moment with him. What once began with a quick visit from a nurse soon dwarfed into Amelia and her surgical team, more doctors and nurses from the neuro floor, it felt everyone but the patients on the floor wanted their five minutes with Jay. He was quickly becoming a bit of a celebrity on the floor, leaving Will and Hailey boxed out of the room. It wasn't planned, but there was no room left in that tiny space for the two of them. So here they stood, just on the other side of things trying their best to cheer Jay on from very far away. Hailey wanted so badly to waltz in there and tell everyone to give Jay space, that he'd just woken up and needed his rest, but her wiser side told her the people watching over Jay now knew all of that. They were far more seasoned in all of this, but also knew they had to check on things. Jay had made a huge leap forward in his recovery, it had to be fully documented.
"I can't really tell what's going on, but it doesn't look bad," Will spoke after some time, watching as Amelia tucked blankets back under Jay's feet before moving back to the head of the bed. Jay was awake but looking every bit exhausted as one would imagine. There was still very little movement to him, his eyelids getting the biggest workout out of all of him. The extremities weren't moving or twitching like they normally would be if Jay was fully awake, and certainly the lack of trying to fight the ventilator was proving just how tired he still was. Jay was improving, but the progress was rather slow.
"I'm hoping he's not freaking out. He looked scared right before they all came in," Hailey quietly spoke after a few minutes.
"It's easy to understand why he would be, but he'll be fine. He probably won't remember much of this part, which is good news." Hailey nodded, finally getting back down on her feet and turning to face Will.
"I still can't believe we're on the other side of all this…and then not all at the same time." Will nodded, taking a moment to look away from Jay and to Hailey. He had to admit, part of him was also under the impression it would be surgery and then smooth sailing. Jay would endure a crazy scary, terrifying surgery only to wake up and be fully tumor free. The rest would be all about recovery and getting back to life. While all of that was still very much true, there was this whole little element of cancer to still come to terms with. Furthermore, having to help Jay understand. He wasn't out of the woods, merely getting into the thick of things. Yes, he was mostly tumor free, but that final grind to the end was going to perhaps be the toughest part yet. Hailey seemed to be reading all of this, taking the couple steps towards Will and offering him a hug. The two of them held onto each other, looking out at Jay in total silence till things left the room. It was a quiet, victorious moment that both so very much needed. Jay was alive, awake, doing well. But oh how that could still change over the coming days and weeks. They had to cling to each other, to hope, to some greater good that Jay would come through all of this. And also, that Jay had it in him to keep fighting.
"He's looking really good," Amelia greeted as she slipped through the door, waiting till everyone cleared out before continuing her report.
"He's obviously tired and a little sluggish, but his motor skills are still in tact and hearing is great. Again, it's slow but definitely there. He can follow commands, follow movements, things are looking pretty in tact. We won't know about memory and stuff till he's off the vent, but so far he's looking really good. We took the reflex monitors off of him, now that he's awake and moving very well. So that will definitely help with things." Will and Hailey nodded, looking back into the room to verify things. Jay was still under blankets so it was hard to see things, but they noted the lack of sensors around his forehead and neck, nodding before Amelia continued on.
"We're going to keep him on the vent a little while longer. He hasn't fought it yet and he's back to resting, so I'd say maybe later today we'll start weaning him off of it. We're also going to back off the neuro checks to every two hours. Right now I want him to rest. That's the theme of today. Keep him resting and relaxed. He's still in that window of really watching things, but should he make it through today we can start talking about removing more things and getting him a little active tomorrow. "
"Active," Hailey asked?
"Oh, we'll start slow. Like sitting up in bed, moving to a chair the next day, it's all about being slow and steady. But so far he's going great, despite the difficult night."
"He's asleep now?" Amelia nodded.
"He was drifting when I walked out. He did communicate that he has pain so we gave him more meds for that. We're also increasing the seizure meds, obviously, so those two are going to keep him pretty wiped out. But again, he's looking really good. This is great news you guys." Amelia was trying her best to keep things upbeat, trying to get a smile or laugh or something out of them. Being this awake and alert this close after surgery and two burr hole procedures was rare, yet for some reason they were stone faced, troubled to say the least. Hailey looked to Will who seemed to get what she was trying to say. It was the big C word, the biggest damper on anything fun and glorious and joyful in the world. Amelia wished she could wish it all away for them. But life didn't allow for that and it totally sucked.
"Hey, he's going to understand. Deep down, he knew this wasn't going to be an easy fix. Don't stress it, please. We're going to take this a step at a time. Yes, he's got a few more hurdles to jump over, but he's past the biggest one. Getting the tumor out is the hardest part. I promise." Will nodded, patting Hailey's back before the two of them pulled away from their hug. Hailey peered back into the room one more time, her face lighting up when she saw something move under Jay's blanket. It looked like nothing more then a hand twitch in his sleep, but it was full, voluntary movement. The two of them were elated.
"I'll let you guys get in there. Remember to still be quiet. He does have the sound sensitivity still so keep things down. The earplugs are still in because he's still having breakthrough sensitivity." Hailey nodded, scooting back into the room while waving her thanks to Amelia. Will meanwhile hung back, holding Amelia up before she was completely down the hall.
"I know Hailey asked me about it and just didn't feel like bringing it up, but his eyes?" Amelia nodded, pausing in her trek back to the nurse's station.
"Yes, that's most likely from the burr holes. It's rare but does happen. He's not in any pain at all. Just a rupture of blood vessels from the pressure and then release of it. It'll go away on it's own in a week or so. It looks a lot worse then it actually is." "I kind of wish for once Jay would stop having rare things happen to him," Will chuckled. Amelia smirked, nodding as she started walking back.
"I'll check on you guys in a couple hours."
"Sounds good. Thank you again!"
"My pleasure, Will. And also, you don't have to thank me every time. It's my job."
"Yeah, but I seriously mean it every time." Amelia rolled her eyes, kindly waving before she disappeared out of sight. Will sighed, pulling himself back into the room, back into the stillness and quiet of Jay's room. Jay indeed was back to sleep, head still perfectly in the middle of his pillow thanks in part to the ventilator and wiring coming out of the back of his head. The blankets were still pulled high on him, keeping most of him under things. But he looked far more peaceful and alive then he had since this whole recovery. Will smirked when he saw that Hailey had spun her chair around so that she was looking onward at Jay, placing a hand on his bed she silently sat and watched him doze away.
"I need to see when he wakes up again. I don't want him waking up to nothing," she whispered, Will smirking as he rounded to his side of the bed.
"That's fine. You're totally allowed." Hailey smirked, looking back at Jay and seeming to be wanting to do something. Touch him, kiss him, do something that she wasn't sure if she was allowed to. Hailey was a hesitant, nervous mess. Will chuckled as he sat back down.
"You're allowed to touch him. It's not going to harm him." Hailey responded by reaching under the blankets, fiddling around for a hand and grabbing it in hers. It wasn't quite as cold and limp as it was the first time she tried this, so that was promising. As she delicately wrapped her fingers around his, Jay's eyes immediately and lazily blinked back open. Against the drugs and exhaustion it appeared he was easily stirred by things, a sign that he was coming back to them after all. His eyes traced the room for a few seconds, slowly going from the ceiling to the foot of the bed and around the room as best he could before giving up. He was still very unsure of what was going on with him, but this world he was living in was calm and looking very much like a hospital. He was safe and hopefully alive. It was in the seeing of Hailey and connecting that it was her touching his hand that his roaming eyes stopped on her. She looked happy, alive, relaxed in things, so he had to take that as a sign that things were going well. He was still hearing his heartbeat banging in his ears, so as she spoke to him all he saw was lips moving.
"Hey, just rest Jay. We're right here and we love you." Jay so badly wanted to speak, do something, give them some kind of sign that he could hear them and that he was fine. He was the most exhausted he'd ever been in his life, but he was okay. Alas, the mystery thing down his throat was preventing a lot of things. So instead he weakly squeezed her hand back, doing it twice before drifting back into things. Watching her smirk and squeeze back sent him spiraling in calm and comfort. He knew, she knew at last; it was the first communication between them. Jay slept the rest of the morning while Will and Hailey quietly, yet happily watched on.
…
It was time for that blasted tube to come out. That was the very first thing that crossed Jay's mind when he next resurfaced. He felt the thing push hard, hurling air into his lungs long enough. He couldn't take it anymore, let alone not be able to talk. He let things do their thing long enough, it was time to take back control of himself. But he had no clue how to tell people he was ready, let them know he was ready to fly solo with things. The first thing he did was wake himself up, look around at his world once more still to find things exactly where he last saw them. Will was still to his left, looking down at something and seeming to be unaware that he was awake. Internally Jay sighed, moving to the right and finding Hailey slumped down in her chair. Her elbow was resting on Jay's bed, arm moving towards her face and her balled up fist meeting the side of her head. She was very much asleep, head bobbing up and down with her breathing. Jay hated the idea of waking her up, but he couldn't take living stuck in this limited world of his anymore. He started with moving his hand under the blankets, trying to find a hand or something that could grab their attention, not getting a result for his efforts. But then, his body seemed to know what his brain was wanting, already well ahead of what it was trying to figure out. Because as Jay closed his eyes, trying to come up with some other solution to getting their attention, he felt his whole body shake and constrict around the tube, gagging as he suddenly fought for air. That was the ticket to freedom. As he opened his eyes, still struggling for air, both Will and Hailey were right there, fully getting the message and doing their very best to help.
"Hang on, Jay. Hang on," Will cooed, watching as Jay's whole body grew stiff against the struggle for air, hands instinctively reaching up towards the tube to free himself from the very thing that was suffocating him. Will managed to grab both the hands before yelling to Hailey for what had to come next.
"Go get Dr. Heart. That tube has to come out."
"But she said something about weaning," Hailey replied. Will just kept shaking his head.
"Nope, he's not gunna make it through that. It has to come out, now." Hailey was off and flying, through the door open by the time Will managed to unhook the ventilator hose, waving his free hand in Jay's face to try his best to distract him.
"Hey, hey! We're gunna get it out. I need you to focus on me, Jay." Will kept himself as still as possible, watching Jay very weakly, but successful writhe under the frustration and struggle for wanting air, eventually resting on Will's glare. It took a couple seconds, but Jay relaxed to a point of staring right at his brother and begging for help, guidance, something to make it all better.
"Hey, go through your nose," Will calmly spoke, literally poking Jay's nose before motioning for how he wanted him to breathe. "Inhale through your nose….and exhale. Inhale…and exhale. Good job," Will complimented as Jay finally started getting it. He still gagged on the tube, but also figured out the breathing before too long. Will had never been more proud.
"Good! Awesome job, man. You're doing it," Will praised, smirking as Jay squeezed his hand as a way of letting him know that he was understanding things.
"They're coming. I promise. Just keep breathing like that." Jay was still so incredibly weak, hands and body shaking as he truly struggled to do as was told to him. He looked every bit scared and confused. For a moment Will wanted to cry, smile, laugh, or just scream. He was feeling so many things for his brother right then. He was beyond proud that he was now to a point of being able to breathe on his own, but also terrified and heartbroken over how out of it Jay still was. But he was trying, he was fighting, it was all anyone could ask for.
"You're doing great," Will encouraged as Hailey and the calvary came running back into view. As the door flew open and the room was flooded with things, Will made a point of telling Jay to keep focusing on him, reminding him that everything would be fine in a few moments.
"Ready to get that tube out," Amelia greeted as things were handed to her? Will nodded for his brother, refusing to move or break his view with Jay as things got set up.
"Alright. We're gunna deflate that balloon that's in there," Amelia spoke as she screwed the syringe to the line wrapped around Jay's breathing tube. He grunted a little as he felt the thing deflate in his trachea, tightening his grip on Will's hand as he experienced the unpleasant sensation.
"I know, I know. It's coming out in a second," Will spoke, patting Jay's hand as Amelia placed her hand on the tube.
"Okay, count of three and I'm gunna pull it out. You're going to feel like throwing up but it's just the tube sliding out. 1…2…3. Here we go." Indeed, Jay did gag and dry heave as the tube was coming out, but just as everyone told him the whole thing was over very quick. He was very uncomfortable and trying his hardest for air before all was well. In the blink of an eye his mouth was his once more, now people asking him to re-open his mouth as he tried to just process what had happened. Will had to ask him once more to open wide before Jay figure it out, instantly regretting doing that because now a new, other force was sucking things out from his mouth. More gags, more struggles, and just like that it was all over.
"It's done. It's all done. You did great," Amelia congratulated as she tightened the cannula around his nose and ears. Jay coughed deep, gagging a bit before relaxing a little. He was blinking tears out of his eyes, sighing as he cleared his throat.
"Can you say hi," she asked, taking a seat on the edge of the bed as she smiled warmly at him. Jay closed his eyes, nodding as he tried to find the word. Why was it so hard to speak? He literally just heard the word but was truly struggling to spit it out. He was telling himself to do it, say it, move his lips and just let it out, but was kind of struggling to do so.
"Hey," quietly fell out of his mouth close to thirty seconds later, a sea of smiles and praises coming his way as a result of his hard efforts. It was a voice so shaky and so foreign to those who knew him. But it was a voice and he managed to speak it, that was a massive victory.
"Welcome back, Jay! How about we do this. I'm gunna let you rest for a little bit and then when you wake up we'll have a little chat about things. Sound good?" Jay slowly nodded, his upper lip twitching the cannula resting on top of it.
"Okay, rest. I'll see you in a little bit." Jay watched Amelia walk out of the room, speak something to Will and Hailey about being back in a couple hours. Honestly Jay was too exhausted to care or really hear. His throat that was once totally blocked was now sore, clearing his throat not helping things in the least.
"Don't try and speak," Will told him as he watched Jay open his mouth.
"Give your throat a little break and rest, man. Proud of you." Jay rolled his head away from Will and in the direction of Hailey, who's eyes were glistening with tears, Jay reaching for her hand as she sniffed things away.
"Proud of you, Jay. We both are. You look great. I'm not gunna touch your head, but I really want to," Hailey spoke, squeezing Jay's hand as he nodded off to sleep. A random thought popped into his head, Jay having not a clue where it came from. It made no sense to him at the time, but it was there and felt right and so he just let it fall out.
"Did they do the surgery," he whispered, his voice so weak and faint that at first Will and Hailey looked to the other, seeming to ask if they caught what Jay was asking.
"Did they do the surgery," Will asked? Jay's eyes were totally closed by now, but hearing just there for him to pick things up.
"Yeah," he quietly spoke, eyes still closed.
"Yes, you had the surgery yesterday." That was all he needed to hear. He was breathing on his own, able to speak, and surgery was past him. So many questions still to ask, too many things still to lay out in front of him. But for now, he knew he was past the dark cloud of surgery that hung over his life for the last few weeks. Jay did his best to nod before diving back into the unconscious. Will and Hailey looked to each other next. Both were thrilled Jay was where he was right now, but oh the tales that would come next were ones neither wanted to tell. Safe to say it was a quiet, somber, still next few hours.
…
"Hey there, welcome back." Jay had no clue he'd been awake for the last few minutes, was completely enamored with the ceiling above him to hear both Will and Hailey greet him. He somehow totally missed them squeezing his hand, asking over and over again if he was fine and needed anything, still didn't budge when one of them took off to get help, convinced it was another seizure. All was fine, he was just off dreaming in his little world in his head. Amelia was called into the room where she took a seat on the bed to fully inspect things. Indeed, Jay was awake, but looking at the glazed over eyes and slow blinks told her all that she needed to know. He was daydreaming, his brain waking him up yet his body essentially asleep. It was a stage of things, and a move in the right direction. The brain was starting to process things, wake itself up and become so enamored with small things that it was a struggle to get everything else up and running. To those not aware of the inner workings of the brain after surgery, it appears things are wrong. But Amelia couldn't help but smile and be excited for what was happening. That mush of a brain was beginning the process of fully re-firing, coming back and trying to adapt once more. She explained all of this to them as they waited for Jay to blink back, snap out of his dreaming stage. Which is where we find him now, looking around the room trying to figure out things, a little lost on what had just happened. To him, he just woke up. But as he panned the room it appeared that wasn't the case.
"How are you feeling," Hailey quietly spoke when Jay found her. He thought about it for a moment, searching for a feeling, a word, something that could answer her question. So far he was a very mute, numb person. He didn't know what he was feeling, experiencing, he was just existing. But it was in the looking down at his person that something snapped into his mind. It seemed odd, but also right for the moment.
"Hot," Jay allowed to fall out of his mouth. Hailey smiled at his response, looking to Will and Amelia for confirmation that both understood Jay.
"Well, you're body temp is back to a more normal temperature," the surgeon spoke while inspecting the monitors above the bed.
"Let's turn off the warmers for a little bit and take a couple blankets off. If you get cold again we can put everything back. Sound good?" Jay's responses were still a bit delayed, evidence that the brain was still trying and also needed some time to process. Eventually he nodded, eyes soon following the hands that went to the wiring attached to the gown laying on top of him. He watched hands unhook everything, shocked that he never felt the things on him before then. That was when he started taking inventory of things, now finding his arms and noting the IVs in each of his wrists, feeling the very heavy and sensitive things coming out of his neck. He was instantly uneasy, breathing picking up a little and heart rate spiking a bit before the other two realized what was happening.
"It's fine, Jay. It's all there to help you," Will spoke, placing a hand on Jay's shoulder.
"Just breathe, Jay. Just forget they're there." The mild panic episode lasted another minute or so, all sighing a bit of relief as Jay trickled back down into normal ranges, a very relaxed state.
"Do you want to sit up a little bit so we can talk," Amelia asked, pulling Jay's attention away from everything on him to the task at hand. Once again, more delayed thinking and replies, but eventually he nodded, Hailey holding his hand as the bed began to raise his head slowly but surely. As the bed rose his vision started blurring greatly. The once pristine details of the people and things in the room were quickly going black and white, fuzzy and spinning as he rose to a more relaxed, sitting state.
"I can't see," he whispered, gripping Hailey's hand tighter as things were adjusted for his comfort. He was suddenly terrified he'd gone blind, that some tragic thing had occurred just then and he lost everything forever. Tears were forming in his eyes, Hailey quick to reassure that it would pass.
"You're just dizzy, right," Hailey asked the other two.
"Yup, just close your eyes. It'll go away in a second," Amelia commented once the ICP wiring and drain were no longer tugging on things, taking a seat at her spot on the bed. Hailey remained in her seat, leaning forward to grab Jay's hand and rub it, not stopping till he reopened his eyes.
"Can you see me," she greeted while holding up a particular finger. Jay groggily smirked, nodding as he rubbed his eyes to clear things further. Hailey smirked, sitting back in her chair to allow the surgeon to do her thing. The wait was over, it was time to see the damage to or sparring of Jay's wellbeing.
"Let's start with the easy questions," Amelia began, face full of promise, hope, optimism as she watched Jay struggle to make eye contact. It was obvious, the vision was still rather blurry, doing it's very best to adjust to the new height in the world. Jay nodded that he was ready, long blinks as he did his best to look her way. It truly was a struggle, but he was doing beautifully.
"Can you tell me what year it is?" Almost on instinct, Jay looked to Will and Hailey, who were both sitting in their seats, looking right at him for the answer. Hailey got as far as nodding before Amelia shook her off.
"Nope, don't give him any help. He's gotta answer this all by himself." Hailey nodded, sitting back in her chair as Jay looked down at his lap. His brain felt to be swimming, once again things feeling very out of his control. The answer was right there, he could almost see it it was so close. But it was a swinging game, his mouth just grabbing the answer before it swung out of his thought process. His eyes traced the bed left and right, back and forth, trying his very best to grab the answer and spit it out before it got away. His mouth opened and closed a couple times before he finally managed to grab hold of something. Jay figured it was a number, being that his mind saw numbers. He just prayed he was right.
"2021," he quietly and nervous replied, almost as if he was asking instead of telling. Based on the delighted nature of Will and Hailey's face, he was very much correct.
"That is correct! Give it another week and that's a trick question," Amelia joked. Jay tried to figure it out, rolling his eyes much later then he should have, but got the joke nonetheless. Even in that quick little exchange told leaps and bounds. Jay could not only hear but also retain information, think through it, and come up with the proper emotion behind it and solid response. He was doing so much better than he realized.
"Next one, what is your name? Just first name is okay." Jay knew this one right away, not even cheating to look at his hospital band for the answer.
"Jay Halstead," he spoke his most confident yet.
"Well bonus points for the last name," Amelia praised. Jay looked to Hailey who was practically beaming at him, Will giving a big cheesy thumbs up.
"Last one of the easy stuff: do you know where you are?" Jay looked around the room, noting the sights and smell and mood and his attire before concluding he unfortunately knew exactly where he was.
"I don't remember the name but it's definitely a hospital."
"Good! And don't worry about the name, it'll all come back. You're at Northwestern. Do you remember why you're here?"
"Some kind of surgery." That was a little disheartening. Imagining that after weeks of prep and fretting and emotions, Jay being able to forget it all just like that was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because for a period of time he was blissfully unaware of all the trials and trouble and seriousness of his life. But on the flip side that meant it was on Will and Hailey to retell it all to him, hoist that heavy burden off of them and on to his weak shoulders. It was both shocking and humbling to say the least.
"That's right! You did have surgery. Do you recall being diagnosed with a brain tumor?" Jay's eyes went huge, mouth hanging open a bit before he closed it back up. It appeared the last few weeks were flying by in a movie in front of his vision. He was off daydreaming once more, staring at his feet as he breathed deep, not blinking or really moving, just existing as he stared. The seizure episode, waking up at Med, meeting Amelia for the first time. The scans, the tearful nights at home, the DNR visit and waking up that morning and standing in the shower for the very last time. It appeared a word was all his mind needed to trigger things right back. Jay Halstead went from clueless to fully informed and aware just like that. The good news was that Will and Hailey were spared the talk. Bad news being they now had to tell him all about the second act.
"Yeah…" Jay eventually trailed, sniffing before he adjusted against the pillows a little. They couldn't tell if it was him trying to fight off emotions or just struggling to accept things, but regardless his mood had absolutely shifted. Hailey wanted so very much to envelop him in a hug, but knew that until things were complete they had to stay out of it. It was heartbreaking to watch to say the least.
"Well, I have some good news, Jay. We did get most of it out," Amelia began. Jay finally pulled himself out of his mind spiral, looking in the direction of his surgeon and just blankly staring at her. Amelia nodded as she pulled her phone out of her pocket.
"And I have some pictures to prove it. Would you like to see?" She knew Jay quite well by now. Even in their short encounters she picked up that he was a big visual guy. He was a detective after all, it was practically in his DNA to not believe things at word value. He needed some kind of evidence to back what was told to him. So it was no surprise that he quickly nodded, reaching out for the phone to be placed in his hand. Amelia was very willing to oblige, scrolling till she found what she was looking for, gently placing her phone in his hand.
"There's your tumor still in tact," she began, zooming in with two fingers as she spoke. Will slowly rose from his chair, the medical side of him wanting to see the images of a real live AA tumor. Hailey wasn't quite ready yet, becoming fascinated with her lap as everyone else gathered close to the screen.
"We gave you the dye just before surgery, that's why it's glowing green. But see all the branches there and the base of it right there," the surgeon educated, pointing out the landscape of things as Jay slowly nodded. The thing that was standing out to him was the brain tissue surrounding it all, the layers of scalp and bone that was missing from it all. It was just starting to sink in that behind all of that was him. This wasn't some textbook or dead body they were doing an autopsy on. It was him, he was underneath all of that. He was totally checked out at the time this photo was taken. He was completely unconscious as hands and instruments were poking IN HIS HEAD. He wasn't sure why that was hitting so hard right now, but it was hard to ignore it. Jay nervously adjusted in bed, nodding as he watched more images of the tumors fly by, each frame confirming things. He absolutely had a brain tumor and he most assuredly had brain surgery not that long ago. It was both scary and relieving that it was behind him.
"And there it is taken out." Now the tumor was in large chunks, resting on some kind of white, gauze looking material. In the background was a blurred section of a body underneath layers of blankets and tubing and all other kinds of medical things Jay had no clue about. He could make out an arm, realizing once more that it was him underneath it all. Even though he was far away and blurred, he could easily make out how lifeless he was. It was scary, almost like watching yourself dying. It now was starting to feel like a violation of himself, that some kind of evil act or torture was done to him while he had not a clue or say in any of it. But then pre-op dawned in his mind, remembering all the paperwork he signed that day. He did give them permission for it all. The evil acts weren't evil but rather necessary. He had to let go in order to get control of his life. He had to remember that, if it was the only thing he recalled from any of this little chat with Amelia.
"You said you got almost all of it," Jay finally spoke up. Amelia perked her eyebrows, nodding as she put the phone.
"Jay, I'm so proud of you for remembering that!" Jay shrugged, noticing that the act in doing that caused something on the side of his neck to pull just a little. It wasn't painful, but enough to make him realize things were on him. A hand started going up towards his head, stopping at the central line long enough to feel the port and multiple tiny lines coming out of it.
"Oh no no, don't touch that," Will spoke, pulling Jay's hand down and holding there to remind him to not move. Cue the nerves once more.
"What else happened since I was last awake," Jay nervously asked? Now Hailey couldn't sit back any longer, reaching over and placing a hand on Jay's right hand, smirking as she did her best to calm him. She tried giving him that look speech, the one that told him everything was fine, but Jay wasn't quite connecting. He just gazed at her with the look of desperation, pleading for help, guidance, something to help him.
"That's a central line, Jay," Amelia spoke for the group.
"We put it in after you were put under. It's delivering a lot of important meds right now and also helping us make sure you're okay. You also have a drain right around here," she continued, pointing to a spot on her own head to help him try and visualize things.
"That is draining off the fluid and blood that still in the area of the surgery. It will come out soon. Then you also have an ICP monitor that's tracking your inter-cranial pressure. Again, it's very common for a craniotomy and that will come out soon. You do have a lot going on, but it's all very necessary right now. We need to keep tracking your progress and status of things. You're doing very well right now, but we need to make sure that keeps happening. This is how we do it." Jay just nodded, looking back at his people for clarification or confirmation.
"How bad does it all look," he finally spoke up.
"Not that bad," Will spoke. Hailey nodded.
"It's really not, Jay. You look great." She smiled at him, squeezing his hand while doing so. Jay was fully aware they were just trying to make him feel better. He was sitting in a hospital just after brain surgery and apparently part of a tumor still in his head. There was no way in hell he looked normal and fine. But, at least he now knew all that. Knowledge seemed to be the key to all of this, it took out the fear and worst case scenarios. He had a brain tumor, he got help, but apparently there was more to this story than what they were telling him.
"You said you got almost all of it out," Jay asked once more, looking directly at Amelia this time. He was going to get an answer.
"I did. Full removal was going to be difficult. We did discuss that, remember? Remember researching things? What did it say?"
"That for higher grade tumors it was next to impossible to get it all. That's it often too difficult based on where things spread and the potential damage to healthy brain tissue." Well so much for suffering memory loss. It appeared Jay Halstead's memory bank was fully up and running.
"That's correct. And yes, your tumor was in an area where we could get a lot of it. However, we were not able to get the whole thing."
"How much did you get?"
"Ninety-two percent. That's really good, Jay. Ninety percent is always my top goal and anything over that is incredible. It's good news, Jay." Jay nodded, slowly blinking as he did so. Things were really starting to go in and out now, the exhaustion was truly winning over once more. It was amazing how quickly he went from awake and talking to nodding back into sleep. He was there and then wasn't, struggling to form words. He was fighting it, but appearing to be losing the battle.
"What…happens…next," he quietly spoke, the last word coming out as he forced his eyes open wide once more. Everything was slowly starting to spin again. Being limited like this royally sucked.
"Well, we've already started that next step. We inserted a couple chemo disks as we call them. It's a disk made out of dissolvable material that's filled with chemo. That will fully dissolve in about three weeks. After that you need a few rounds of chemotherapy and radiation." Now Jay was truly tripping, because all of this sounded like something far bigger and scarier than anything he thought he had. It was just a tumor, it wasn't cancer. It was supposed to come out and be done with. He was getting it fixed, no one mentioned further treatment after this. No one talked about any of this, or that surgery was just the first step in a long term battle. Or perhaps they did and he was totally forgetting. That was a very likely outcome. Gosh he really needed sleep.
"So you're saying I have cancer," Jay finally asked, yanking himself out of his sleepy mind trip, looking to Will and Hailey and finally Amelia, body growing chilled as he watched them all slowly nod.
"Yes Jay, you do. It was a cancerous tumor. So while yes, we did remove a lot of the cancer, the remaining portion has to be treated like any other aggressive cancer. But Jay, I know you're getting really tired and I don't want you falling asleep with bad ideas. Jay, you do have cancer. But you are in a really good place for treatment, okay? Do you hear me?" Amelia didn't break her focus on Jay, not moving till he met her gaze and nodded. He was looking more and more out of it with every passing second, but he was doing his best to try and grasp what she was saying.
"We're gunna get you through this. One day at a time, okay?" Again, another nod followed by yawn.
"First, I need you to rest. You're going to be okay." Jay finally lost the will to stay awake, nodding off and going limp before anyone could say anything else. Will squeezed his hand, slowly putting it back under the blankets before pulling things up to Jay's chest. Hailey couldn't wait any longer, gently placing a quick kiss on his cheek as the bed was lowered back to a more comfortable sleeping position.
"Love you, Jay. Sleep well," she whispered before letting go of his hand. Now he knew what they all knew. Now it was time to help him process it all. Now was the time to stop believing it was all a mistake or simple misunderstanding. Indeed, there was a monster living in Jay's head and absolutely it tried to suck all life out of him. But was the monster at the end of this act just a foreshadowing of the bigger beast yet to come? They had not a clue.
…
The rest of the afternoon was a quiet one, allowing for Jay to rest and everyone else to silently ponder. So much had happened that day, so much had been said and too many things felt that the minutes and hours just flew by. One would never guess that it was Christmas Eve in that room, not a single seasonal emotion was felt nor was a word of well wishes dished out by anyone. Jay slept, Will and Hailey sat and thought and rested themselves, and that was the majority of their day. Only when it was time to check on his mental status did Jay wake up and talk. As soon as it was confirmed that he wasn't in mental peril, which felt silly considering all that was going on with him, he'd doze off and peacefully sleep away. It was a bit surreal, the person having to go through all the trials and challenges that this cancer would bring appeared to be the most calm and collected. Those on the sidelines were doing the greatest amount of mental pacing. Those not having to endure surgery and chemo and radiation were the most concerned about things and getting the least amount of rest. It felt like things should be the other way around, but here they were. The minutes felt like seconds, the hours feeling like blinks of an eye. 8pm rolled around way sooner than any of them anticipated or cared for. As Hailey watched Will slowly rise from his chair, gather what he needed for the ride home, part of her didn't want him to leave. Their lives were in such turmoil and uncertainty and free falling that she hated to have a strong comrade leave her now, in a huge hour of need. But on the other hand, he deserved a great night's rest away from the hospital. Unlike Hailey, Will hadn't left since the surgery started. He was the one that went through the difficult first night after the long and draining afternoon. Not to mention he was right there with her through all of the events of the day. Will had more than earned a good night's rest in his own bed and a long, hot shower. So with internally shaking legs, Hailey was ready to take on the solo night watch this evening.
"Heading out," she quietly whispered, watching Will slowly nod as he got himself upright and stretching.
"Yeah, do you want me to bring you anything in the morning?"
"I'm fine with having stuff here. I don't think anything will be open tomorrow anyway." Will furrowed his brow for a second, sighing and rolling his eyes when he figured out what she was referring to.
"Oh that's right. How did I forget tomorrow was Christmas?" Hailey sighed, shrugging her shoulders before pointing a finger Jay's way.
"He might've had something to do with it." Will snorted, nodding as he rubbed his eyes. The two of them glanced over at Jay, who was still very much passed out. His lips were puffing in and out with his inhales and exhales, the quiet mouth noises trickling out of his sound asleep body. He looked as peaceful and content as he could be in the middle of an ICU room a little over twenty-four hours post brain surgery. He still had a lot going on, but things were starting to look better. Call it time or knowledge of things or the truth that Jay was awake. But as scary as everything was this time yesterday, today it was a little more manageable.
"Should we still do something tomorrow," Will finally spoke up?
"I don't know…feels wrong to celebrate something now." Will looked away from Jay and to Hailey, a look of concern going right to her.
"Why wouldn't we celebrate Christmas? Because of the cancer thing?" Hailey could only nod, the tears slowly building up inside of her. She was never this emotional. Literally the last day and a half saw more of her crying than the last year and a half of her life. She'd never been this emotional about anything, or anyone. But she was so scared about losing it all, about not knowing what was coming next. She couldn't help it. Cupping her mouth Hailey started shaking, starting to double over with silent emotions as Will helped pick her up, holding her in a hug as he allowed her to cry on his chest. It felt like Jay, but wasn't, Hailey wishing for things to go back to the way they once were. She take back to back all nighters in below freezing temperatures outside before doing this again. She needed control, clarity, a plan of action. She hated not knowing what was coming tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week. She didn't want to think of the scenarios, of the possibility of Jay getting sicker or worse. She hated that there was absolutely nothing she could do to change anything. It was all in the hands of someone else, drugs, and a terrible remaining tumor that had yet to cooperate and make anything easy. There was absolutely no control or say or guarantees in any of this. That, and the waiting was perhaps the hardest part of all.
"I just don't want to lose him," she quietly sobbed.
"I know, I don't either." The two of them stood there, hugging and watching and wishing to some other force to make this all better, to spare Jay from whatever wrath he had coming for him.
"But we really do need to do something for him tomorrow. Let's try and make this as normal a time as we can," Will eventually spoke up again. Hailey nodded, slowly pulling away from their hug, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.
"Can he eat yet?"
"Um, I'm not sure. If he can it'll be a liquid diet. He hasn't eaten in awhile so it needs to be light." Hailey nodded, looking over at Jay and wishing they were anywhere but here. Christmas 2021, what a sucky one to remember.
"We'll think of something." Hailey nodded, pulling herself away to watch Will walk to the door.
"Do you need anything else from me before I leave?" Hailey shook her head.
"No, but thank you. And, thank you Will…for everything. I don't know where we'd be without you."
"Oh stop. You'd figure it out. You always do." Hailey smirked, rolling her eyes and watching him disappear behind the door and down the hall. Her daydreaming mind got the better of her, bringing her down a rabbit hole of what ifs. She was envisioning Jay and herself back home, sitting around a big, roaring fire watching Christmas movies while eating a proper Christmas Eve meal. Both were in cheesy Christmas sweaters, both so happy and alive and normal. She could hear his laughing at her terrible jokes, watch him overly exaggerate how much he enjoyed her crappy cook of everything. They were so happy, so content in life. Give her that life right now. She'd literally give anything for it. Closing her eyes she felt him wrap her in his arms, the two of them falling onto the couch. What started as a quiet, soft kiss was soon a full on ripping off of clothes. Both were lost in the moment, both were so in sync with each other and their emotions and deep, massive love for each other that soon they were letting it all out in the bedroom. She felt him take over, whispering things in her ear as he fully went in hard, exactly how she loved it. He knew when to push things, where to touch and release. She was waiting to give the same to him when something gently nudged her. Hailey was so caught off guard by the movement out of nowhere that she let out a little scream, eyes flying right back open to reality. Nothing was there anymore, just the dim lit, quiet, sterile environment of a hospital room.
"Hailey," Jay called once more, having done that several times already. He watched her face redden as she put a chunk of hair behind her ear. She was flustered, embarrassed, surprised to see him talking to her.
"Hey, you're awake," she replied, dabbing under her eyes as she turned in her spot on the bed to face him.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah! Yeah, I'm great. How are you?" Jay wasn't buying it. Even in his very altered and drugged state he knew things were off.
"Were you crying?" Hailey hesitated, eventually nodding as she hung her head.
"Where's Will?"
"He…um, he went home. They only allow one visitor so we're switching off. He was here last night so it's me tonight." Jay nodded, looking around the room before finding her. Hailey wanted to inch closer, wrap herself next to him and the two of them just sleep the night away. But the logistics of things and knowing everything was being tracked on Jay told her that wasn't going to be a possibility.
"You can leave, Hailey." That one caught her attention right away, snapping her out of any thought of a bunny trail she was currently on. She was so shocked that fell out of his mouth that she chalked it up to the drugs and surgery and whatever else was going on. But as he nodded on, waiting for her to respond she was truly at a loss for everything.
"Jay…I'm…totally okay with staying here tonight. I'll be fine."
"No, you can leave leave. I'm giving you the out." Hailey literally gasped, quietly but it was still there. Now it was all starting to make sense.
"Jay, I'm not leaving you."
"I heard you and Will," he spoke after a couple moments, just adding to the guilt trip in her whole person. She had no intention of him hearing all of that, knowing that she was completely freaking out over losing him. Both of them were really. She never wanted to add to his stress and fear on top of whatever else he was facing. But it appeared her biggest fear was very much true. Hailey nodded, allowing the tears to well back up inside, things trickling out and down her face as she slowly inched forward to hold his hand. His gaze on her was the strongest it had been yet, watching her nod and try to figure out what to say next. A couple times he nudged her hand, doing his best to comfort her as she worked through things.
"I don't want you to feel like you have to sit here and watch me go through all of this. You have a whole life ahead of you, Hailey. You have a career still to live, a life to fill with normal, healthy people that aren't dying of cancer. I don't want you throwing all of that away over watching all of this get worse. So I'm giving you a way out, now."
"Jay, I'm not leaving you."
"I'll be fine." Hailey shook her head, squeezing his hand tighter before she spoke.
"Jay, I'm not leaving you right now. I want to be here with you. There's no way in hell I'm just going to walk away because things are getting tough or uncertain. Our life together started well before we got engaged or dated or anything. We started this thing way, way back on that day we first got partnered up. Ever since that} day I knew we were in this for the long haul. In whatever capacity that is, we're doing this life thing together. Cancer, is just one of those hurdles we have to overcome. We've gone through tough things before, we're going to get through this one, together." Jay nodded, tears now dripping down his face as he looked away from her, nodding after a little bit. Hailey leaned over to wipe his tears away, using her sleeve and a smile as she tried to pull his face back to hers.
"Is it gunna hurt if I kiss you?" "Because that's what puts people in the mood," Jay joked through his emotions.
"Answer the question, dumbass." Jay did by planting his mouth right on hers, the two of them making up for lost time. It wasn't anything to write home about, but it was enough for the time.
"I love you and I'm in this with you," Hailey whispered in his ear, pulling away enough for the two of them to lock eyes. If she couldn't she'd rest her forehead on his, but that would be way too much for Jay right now.
"I'm sorry," Jay slipped out.
"Don't be. We're doing this, together."
"I'm sorry you're stuck with the guy dying of cancer."
"Jay, we don't know that and I already said to stop apologizing." Jay nodded, sniffing as he pushed the blankets off of his chest to allow for some kind of air to cool him. Despite not having the warming system on he was still dying from being hot. He looked like such a mess with everything on him, but Hailey had never loved him more in that moment.
"Why don't you sleep on the bed tonight? I can move over." Hailey laughed, rolling her eyes before she sighed at him. He was a gentlemen till the very end.
"No, I don't think they'll allow that and plus, I'd like to wait till we're home to share a bed again. How about this: I'll sit right here and hold your hand till you fall back to sleep." Jay smirked, nodding as the two of them intertwined their fingers. It was hard, given all the stuff attached to Jay's hand and fingers, but they managed.
"I love you, now sleep," Hailey commented, giving him that look to obey or else.
"Fine, fine," he went along with, shutting his eyes as he slowly relaxed once more. He was out in under ten minutes, Hailey watching the brain waves dip back down into sleep pattern levels. She was so proud of herself for knowing that. It was true, they had not a clue what was coming down the line. But whatever that was, they were in it together, damming the challenges and uncertainties. Merry Christmas, cancer. It would be the only year she thought that.