Chapter 9- Merry Christmas From 525
"Good morning, Hailey," Will quietly greeted while he broke through the door. Hailey, who'd been getting lost in a good Amazon read, quickly snapped her head up in the direction of Will's voice and placing a finger in front of her lips.
"Ssshhh. He's still sleeping," she whispered, pointing to Jay who was very much dozing. He'd managed to tilt his head to the left a little, revealing the drain and ICP monitor to the world. Will wasn't sure how his head positioning wasn't hurting things or setting alarms off, but was grateful that Jay was moving a little more in his sleep. Just more signs that he was healing and getting back to his normal self.
"He only fell asleep a couple hours ago," Hailey whispered as Will quietly closed the door behind him, tip toeing into the room and to his chair. On the way he handed Hailey a very festive breakfast of Starbucks coffee and a muffin. Her face lit up as the items were handed off to her, very much surprised Will managed to score the goods.
"Where…how," she whispered whilst pulling the boiling hot liquid to her lips. She had to admit she too had barely gotten any sleep last night, fully expecting to sleep the morning away with Jay. Don't get her wrong, she loved that Will was back. But, at the same time she was looking forward to some peace and quiet.
"The Starbucks we went to surgery day," Will whispered.
"Because of their proximity to the hospital they have to be open all the time."
"That must suck having to work there and never being closed." Will shrugged.
"It's to give patients and family and staff something to grab while coming and going."
"Did they look every bit as festive as they did when we went in," Hailey whispered back while taking a bite of her food. Will chuckled before shaking his head.
"No, worse," he spoke back. Now Hailey was stifling laughs, covering her mouth to both avoid a loud noise from escaping and to not shoot crumbs all over the place. Will smiled at her reaction, turning himself away from Hailey so as to help her not laugh out loud and looked towards Jay. It was the most asleep-like he'd looked this entire hospital stay. Gone was the dead, fully unconscious look to him, it appeared life and a somewhat functioning mind was back in place. Granted, he was still surviving on so much, but it was in the quick sleep movements and twitching eyelids that showed a normal person was under everything. It didn't change the fact that they were spending Christmas in a neuro ICU hospital room, but it was certainly softening the blow to say the least.
"How did he do last night," Will whispered. Hailey rolled her eyes, sitting back in her chair a little as she hovered the next bite of muffin in front of her lips.
"It wasn't the best of nights. He had a lot of pain breakthroughs, a lot of complaints about his head hurting and his ears ringing and hurting him. He couldn't sleep through it and it took some time to get the pain meds right. People were coming and going all night long that this is the first and longest time he's been asleep since you left." Will nodded, allowing Hailey to finish her muffin before speaking up.
"How did you sleep?" On cue Hailey yawned, rolling her eyes once more before gathering herself.
"About as well as him. I was up when he was up and stayed awake till he fell back to sleep. I'm not gunna lie, I'd kind of love a nap today." Will nodded.
"Hey, it's Christmas. It's a day where we can do whatever we want. Why don't you sleep now and I'll stay up."
"Oh man, I somehow totally forgot what today was."
"Well, Merry Christmas!" Hailey smirked, nodding as she responded.
"Merry Christmas to you, Will." Just then a quiet knock banged on the door, allowing the two seconds for someone to hold things up before the door began opening. On the other side was Amelia and a nurse, signaling the first of many check-ins for the day. Hailey smiled and waved at them, watching the overly happy and bright eyed surgeon walk into the room. So much for taking a nap. It appeared Jay's sleep time was about to end.
"Good morning you two, Merry Christmas," Amelia quietly greeted, giving them a quick wave as she made her way to Jay's bedside.
"Merry Christmas," they both spoke back, each rising up in their seats a little as Amelia took a seat on Jay's right side, looking up at the monitors as she began things.
"Has he woken up since the last episode?" Hailey shook her head.
"No, it took him a little while to fall asleep but he's been out since then." Amelia nodded, going through things quietly and thoroughly. All signs were pointing to Jay being stable and the most recovered and well he'd been during the whole recovery process. Granted, they were just on the dawning of day two, but he was doing so well. It appeared the rough dip in things that first night was the tumor's last gasp before succumbing to greater forces. Jay was bound to have rough patches, like last night, but it appeared the big, scary stuff was out at sea…for now.
"And now comes the fun part," she whispered before turning her attention to Jay. She hated the thought of waking him up, given how peaceful and sound asleep he was. But it had to be done, they had to verify it was just him sleeping and not something far worse.
"Good morning, Jay," she spoke aloud, the loudest noise in the room in quite some time. Jay didn't respond to her, just kept huffing and puffing and snoozing in his sleep. Amelia called out once more and got nothing, causing a little uneasiness out of Hailey.
"Is something wrong," she asked as Amelia inched closer, brushing her hand on Jay's arm.
"No, he's not showing signs of distress. I think he's really just that asleep." Amelia turned out to be spot on, because not a half second after she touched his arm did Jay full on flinch and shake awake. Like someone had just delivered the biggest scare of his life, Jay was wide awake, shivering and scanning the room for what dared to stir him from his slumber. His eyes this morning were very much still bloody appearing and his whole person was every bit overly drugged and on pain meds, but Jay had finally arrived to Christmas morning.
"Hey, it was just me," Amelia greeted when finally found her, still shaking and trying to catch his breath as his very slow brain and body adjusted to things. Will and Hailey waved at him, trying their best to ease his fears. More than anything both of them wanted to reach over and help him but both knew by now that any check-in had to be free of family influence. These were just between Jay and Amelia, they all had to know where Jay was with things.
"I'm so sorry to wake you up, but we've gotta check things." Jay just stared at her for a second, processing what she said before eventually nodding. Amelia smiled at him, taking his right hand in hers and beginning the rundown.
"Squeeze my hand," she asked as quietly as she could, wary of the lingering sound sensitivity. Jay responded a few seconds later, his still shaking self was slow to fully grasp but he did it.
"Good! Now the left." Jay did as was instructed, squeezing her hand once more. Next Amelia got up from the bed, pulling the blankets off of Jay's feet and resting her palm on his right foot.
"Press down like it's a gas pedal." Jay had to think about that one for a second or two, but soon a slow and shaky foot moved down towards the foot of the bed. The left went about as well as the right. Hailey was a little disheartened to see how slow Jay was with things, but had to remind herself that he was only on day two of recovery. Things were going to be slow, but as long as they were steady things were good. Recovery from brain surgery was a very long process and one that all involved had to be aware of and remember. Some days he'd act like everything was totally fine, others it was going to be a bit of a catch up. But as long as he was improving, that was the most anyone could ask for.
"Okay, verbal stuff. What's you name?"
"Jay Halstead," very quietly stumbled out of his mouth. He spoke through closed eyes, lids strained like he really had to think about it. Will and Hailey knew he was not a morning person so was typically slow in the morning, but this was a different level. Today was looking to be every bit one of those catch up days. But it was expected, given all that he'd done the day prior.
"Good! And what year is it?"
"2021," he spoke a little quicker that time.
"Good, and where are you?"
"…North…North….North something. I don't know, a hospital I guess." Amelia smirked, quietly clapping at Jay's passing of all the questions.
"I will take hospital for today. And good job for trying to remember the name. It's Northwestern, like the direction." Jay nodded, still through closed eyes as he licked his lips. He was experiencing a new sensation this morning: a dry mouth. Everything felt like sand and speaking made him want to cough. He finally opened his eyes and wanted to communicate how he was feeling, but it appeared the ever knowledgeable surgeon was ahead of him.
"Dry mouth," she quietly asked? Jay had a very confused face, but nodded.
"It happens. Remember you haven't had anything to drink since before surgery. You've been on IV fluids since then. But it's actually a really good sign, shows that your body is ready to try some fluids. How about ice chips to start?" Jay pondered things for a moment, eventually nodding. That was a cue for someone to get up and get the requested item, the ICU nurse out the door before the next question was asked.
"So how is everything else? Are you still having pain?"
"Yeah, my head still hurts and my ears are ringing, but not as painful as before," Jay whispered.
"Okay, that's good! The pain is unfortunately going to linger and the sound stuff will probably be a few more days. How about another booster of stuff so you can sleep some more?" Jay nodded, looking to Will and Hailey who smiled at him, waved once more as Amelia put orders in for the medication.
"Alright, I want you to sleep some more this morning. I think later on today we're gunna take out the drain and ICP monitor but I don't need you completely exhausted for that."
"Really, he's ready," Will interjected? Amelia nodded.
"Absolutely! His ICP has been steady for over twenty-four hours now and the draining has stopped. I don't like to keep either thing in there for too long so, since he's in a really good spot I think he's ready to ditch those."
"Yay," Hailey quietly cut in, jokingly clapping as the rest of them chuckled. Jay meanwhile was very clueless on everything, trying to figure out why all of this was good news and what it all meant for him. But his thoughts were soon interrupted by the cup of ice chips returning to the room. Amelia thanked the nurse as the cup was handed off to her, giving the medication orders before turning to help feed Jay.
"Just let this sit in your mouth and melt," she instructed as she held a cube over his lips. Jay nodded, opening his mouth just enough to allow the cube to slip in. It was such a shock to feel something in his mouth and something that cold. His eyes went big for a second as he adjusted to the temperature change.
"That's cold," came out of his mouth before he even realized it. Will and Hailey chuckled, but in reality it was a great sign.
"Hey, that's really good you recognized that," Amelia remarked.
"Just don't chew it. Let it melt." Jay did as was told, feeling the once frozen solid mass melt away and coax his mouth with the wet substance it very much craved.
"Can I have some more," Jay politely asked? "Of course! Hailey, do you want to take over?" You didn't have to ask her twice. Hailey was fast to nod, standing up and taking the cup from Amelia, soon tossing another chip into Jay's mouth.
"Okay, I think you are all set right now. I will be back later to check on you and get those things out. Sound like a plan?" Jay nodded as he swallowed the melted chip. It felt weird doing it, but Jay was totally fine with things falling down his throat once more.
"See you guys later. Not too many of those. We don't need you getting nauseous. Slow and steady with the fluids and food right now."
"Sounds good," Will spoke for everyone. Amelia smiled and waved at all of them, wishing them a wonderful restful morning.
"Oh, and Merry Christmas everyone," she spoke at the door.
"Merry Christmas," Will and Hailey spoke back, leaving poor Jay full of melting ice in his mouth and very much clueless why they were wishing each other a Merry Christmas. It wasn't until he was finished with his chip did he finally speak up.
"It's Christmas?"
"Yup, you've made it to Christmas," Will responded. The nurse had just finished giving Jay his round of morning IV meds, saying he'd feel really sleepy soon. It appeared that was very much correct, his eyelids dropping and whole body relaxing just as soon as she'd left the room.
"So…about the cancer treatment," Jay lazily asked, totally foregoing the whole confirmation that today was Christmas. To him it didn't feel like Christmas, just any other day at a hospital. He was sick and needing treatment and hoping to get answers on what was next. Perhaps the truth of things would ease his fears, and everyone else's for that matter. If he truly was dying, he didn't want to be left in the dark about it.
"How about we not talk about cancer today, Jay? It's Christmas. Let's celebrate the day and the fact you're past surgery," Will suggested. Jay thought it, truly trying to stay awake now, and nodded before long. He had to admit, as much as he wanted to know things, a good distraction sounded just as nice.
"How are we going to celebrate Christmas here," Jay asked?
"Well, what do you want to do," Hailey asked? Jay shrugged.
"Sleep, get out of here." Hailey smirked, holding his hand as she watched him.
"Well, we can definitely do the first, but the second just isn't happening right now. I'm sorry." Jay looked past her, clearly not happy that he was chained to this room, this bed, this whole situation. But it was what it was. He was definitely not healthy enough to be out in the world and to be totally honest, he was way too weak and tired to even think about getting up.
"Jay, why don't you sleep right now and later we can watch a Christmas movie," Will suggested.
"And then if you're up for it we can try and have you eat something. Sound like an okay plan?" It wasn't exactly sitting around a fully decorated Christmas tree and eating a full, hearty meal, but he was ever grateful for Will's ever trying attitude to make things as right and normal as he could.
"I'll stay right here till you fall asleep," Hailey said, placing the ice cup on the tray at the end of Jay's bed. She took Jay's hand in hers, squeezing it as she smiled at him.
"Go to sleep. We'll be right here when you wake up. Love you."
"Love you, Jay. Merry Christmas," Will spoke next. Jay yawned as he closed his eyes, drifting faster and faster into the darkness.
"Love you too," was the very last, quiet remark to fall out of his mouth for the rest of the morning. Indeed, Will and Hailey sat on a side of the bed till Jay was fast asleep, Hailey being the first to fall asleep out of the two visitors. Will meanwhile had a great idea pop into his mind, soon scooting out of the room to see if it was even doable today. Will Halstead, the eldest brother who had a life mission to make all things well, had a good one up his sleeve on this Christmas day.
…
It was time, the moment had arrived. Jay Halstead was going to be drain and ICP free. The time of day was just after 1pm. The room was filled with Amelia and a couple nurses and a surgical team assistant, completing the mass of people was Will and Hailey, each taking a side of the bed—Hailey being close enough to hold Jay's hand— and watching as things were prepared for the extraction of things. What was promised to be a routine, easy procedure was looking to be anything but. For starters, Jay's face was completely obscured by surgical draping and procedure pads, lights shone all around his head and special, shiny instruments lining a tray that had been rolled right up to the side of the bed. Speaking of the bed, it had been pushed further out into the room, allowing for Amelia and her assistant to work on things from behind. The head of the bed had been laid flat, all pillows removed from Jay's head in an effort to create a flat surface. Jay's head was fully turned to the left side, gloved hands dancing around the head and putting things in the perfect position for what was happening next. While none of them ever said it, there was a twinge of nerves coming out of the two family members. Will, having seen this done on other patients in the past, knew this was going to be a difficult time for Jay. It was a lot of movement and needle insertions and stapling on a very sensitive part of the body. Not including the fact sound was still hurting Jay tremendously, just the sensation of things being touched and yanked out of his head was going to be very unsettling. Hailey's fear meanwhile was growing as she continued to watch things get set up. Part of her was glad Jay couldn't see anything, because her emotions were plastered all over her face. She was very much scared, nervous to see the results of the eternal operation, not quite ready for the reveal of everything. Of course she was going to love him in any state or appearance. But still, it was just another layer of reality. In seeing the very fresh incision and all that was coming with that, the truth of Jay having undergone brain surgery and still fighting this SOB of a monster was going to be very hard to accept.
"How are we feeling, Jay," Amelia asked while setting the last of the lights up, shining bright on the tightly wrapped head. She brushed her gloved hands on one of the procedure pads underneath Jay's head, making sure things were tight and just to her liking.
"Fine," he responded under the coverings all over him, fully lying to everyone in that room; including himself. In truth, he was not well. Every since it was announced that the drain and ICP monitor were coming out, he was not a well and restful person. All morning he'd awaken with a shake and nervousness about him. Sometimes the resurfacing would only be for a few seconds or a couple minutes, but each time he was very quiet. Luckily Hailey and Will never noticed, thanks in part to Jay's absolute silence in looking out at things. But Jay was a complete ball of nerves. Just like Hailey, Jay was not ready for the biggest reality check of the journey up to this point. All the times prior to this moment, he'd been told that he had surgery in his head and felt the sluggish and painful aftermath of it all, but this moment of unraveling things and revealing it all to the world was going to confirm things. Indeed, he did undergo a serious brain operation and absolutely, part of that beast was still in his head trying to end him. But for some reason, living under the cloak of medication and dressings and sleep he'd somehow avoided or looked over the fact that things were very different. For a time, life as he knew it was going to be different. Both internally and externally, things were not what they once were. So here came that first leap of faith, that decision of having to hold out hope and wish for the best; that one day things would return to their former ways. Part of him was ready for it to be over. But as he felt the medical scissors begin to snip away the dressings wrapped around him he was not prepared for what was coming all too quickly.
"Alright, here we go," Amelia spoke as her hands gripped the gauze and tape and ever so slowly pulled. Hailey squeezed Jay's hand as things began to reveal themselves to the room. She immediately missed those gorgeous waves of dark brunette hair, just the reveal of the missing hairline and sideburns that weren't there anymore truly testing the emotions. Her free hand flew up in front of her lips, hoping to cease the quivering. Will who had seen things briefly that first night would admit to still having to adjust to it all. He leaned over and rubbed Hailey's back as the insertion points of the pins that were screwed into Jay's head to keep things absolutely still came out. He mouthed to her that things were fine as the numerous Sharpie lines and outlines were quietly wept over when first seen by the two of them. The worst of all was the incision, naturally. It's grand scale and U shaped curvature from the center of Jay's head, looping down to the right side of the head and resting just behind his ear confirming the greatest fear of their lives. Without question, Jay did undergo brain surgery for a massive brain tumor two days ago. But, he was still alive and doing well. They had to remember that as the horror and trauma was too much to look away from. Jay meanwhile still hadn't seen anything, still couldn't make out Hailey's tears and Will's look of absolute grim. But he could feel air on his head, which was a very weird and new sensation for him, and noted that the hands and slight weight that were once on his head had stopped. Whatever his new appearance was, it was on full display for everyone in that room to see and experience. And that he hated the most right now. He didn't have a choice, he was going to live with what he looked like and was fine with that. After all, he chose it, he allowed for it to happen. But it was the reaction he'd get that was going to suck royally. Whether he was healed or recovering or at whatever stage of this journey, people were going to look at him differently and treat him according to that. He was externally and physically different. People had one look engrained on their brains for as long as they knew him and this very sudden, different look was going to draw more of the death stares, the sympathy looks and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.
"Good. Good job, Jay," Amelia encouraged as she tossed the bloody dressings into a biohazard bag before inspecting things. She could feel the emotions coming from the other end of the bed but chose to not say anything. She knew the shock they were experiencing, understood the awestruck nature of how different Jay looked, and also knew there was nothing she could say or do to make it all better. Brain surgery has a funny way of changing things and the people all around it. You just had to adjust, recognize that for a season a loved one was going to be very different. But they would come back, before too long it would all just be a distant memory. So instead of speaking to Will and Hailey she chose to keep Jay informed of what was going on.
"Okay, here's the first dose of lidocaine," she spoke while loading the syringe.
"Yeah," Jay barely spoke as he tightened his grip on Hailey's hand, truly squeezing it as he felt the needle break his skin and the numbing burn trickle all over his head. This same injection of things happened several more times, by the second to last one he'd lost all feeling in his head.
"We're gunna start with the ICP monitor," Amelia announced as she unhooked the wiring from the bolt, soon unscrewing things and holding a gauze pad to the area, anticipating some residual bleeding.
"Here we go. 1, 2, and 3," she calmly announced while yanking the bolt free out of it's spot, also tossing it into the biohazard bag. Hailey exhaled a big sigh of relief, shaking Jay's hand a little out of immense pride and praise for doing well. One down, one more to go.
"And it's out," Amelia spoke as the blood began to trickle out of the very small hole, going through a couple pads before things subsided.
"Good job, Jay," Will spoke, patting his brother's foot as Jay was lost in the high of the pain meds he was on and the sheer fear in what was happening to his head. The weird thing was that he didn't feel anything. The bad thing was that he was about to hear the stapler go off right next to his ear.
"One staple," was announced just before the loud thud of a staple hitting skull erupted in the room. Jay jolted back to reality at that one, letting out a quick whimper and death gripping Hailey's hand as a result.
"Did you feel that," Amelia asked?
"No, the sound just hurt."
"I'm sorry. But we're all done with that one. Everything looks great. Now to the drain. You'll feel some pressure but it'll go as fast as the breathing tube. I promise."
"Okay," Jay breathed out, trying his best to not hyperventilate over it all. This was becoming way too much for him to mentally and physically handle. Part of him wished he'd been knocked out for this part. The very last thing he wanted to feel was pressure from a tube being slipped out from his brain and skull. But sure enough, just as he finished that thought the promised of pressure was there. He instantly hated it, both squeezed and shook Hailey's hand hoping that would make it all stop.
"Ow," he allowed to squeak out of his mouth when it didn't work, swearing he heard a pop seconds later.
"Sorry, it's out," came from behind him, an immediate gush of blood following right behind. Now there was more pressure, this time coming from a hand pressing things into his head. Despite all the local anesthetic and pain meds, that was the worst pain he'd felt up till this point.
"What's happening," he had to ask, scared that something horrible was going on.
"Just applying pressure to the bleeder. I'm sorry but it's the only way to slow things down." This round of bleeding took five gauze pads, but sure enough things finally stopped in time.
"Last staple," Amelia spoke as she lined things up, taking a breath before pulling the trigger. Another jolt, another slip of verbal reaction out of Jay, but just like that his head was free of devices. He was as independent as he'd ever been.
"Great job, Jay! You did awesome," she praised.
"She's right. You did great," Will praised as fresh dressings were reapplied to Jay's head. Around and around his head, the trauma and fear and starkness to things was hidden once more. Jay was revealed to his world not too long later, everything being balled up and toss in the trash.
"How many fingers," Amelia spoke as the pillow was returned to behind Jay's head and the bed raised to a more normal level.
"Two," Jay was quick to respond, watching the V shape of two fingers dance in front of his head.
"And follow my finger," she spoke while waving things left to right, up and down before going back to the middle. Jay never lost her finger, kept up with things and didn't show any signs of sluggish movement or sudden changes to the mental functions. He'd survived all the extractions and was appearing to be freaked out and drained but stable.
"Okay, now move your head left to right," she spoke, watching Jay slowly turn all the way to the left before going all the way to the right. He looked every bit confused on why he had to perform this, but passed the test with flying colors.
"Good! I think apart from the brain surgery and lingering tumor you are doing very well and are quite healthy," she teased, smiling as she patted his arm.
"Good to know," Jay joked back, giving her a very lazy and drugged smirk.
"I will let you get back to your Christmas festivities. I hear you are watching a movie and maybe trying to eat later on!"
"That's the plan."
"Well I'm all for that. Anything that makes you feel better and as normal and relaxed as possible. My only feedback is to keep the movie short. His brain still is rewiring and healing so we don't need to overwhelm it with too much television." Will and Hailey nodded in agreement, looking to the other for a solution.
"And also more resting. If you need to fall asleep, don't push yourself. Later tonight we'll have you sit up on your own, but I want you to rest before we try that. Sound good?" Jay nodded, adjusting in his spot a little before completely relaxing.
"When can I change," he asked, now realizing that whatever he was wearing was just thrown on top of him, his backside feeling very exposed or on the verge of being shown to everyone. He missed pants and shirts and normal clothes.
"Well, that one we have to wait a couple more days on. As long as you have the catheter you can't wear pants."
"The what," Jay was quick to ask. Hailey was now trying to not burst out laughing. Will meanwhile was rolling his eyes.
"Well have you noticed that you haven't gotten up to use the bathroom? You've been getting fluids this whole time and they have to get out at some point."
"How long have I had it?"
"We put it in just before surgery, after you were asleep."
"Oh God," Jay exaggerated, rolling his eyes before barely shaking his head. He hadn't felt the thing, but the thought of someone sticking a tube through his dick and all the way to his bladder while he was totally out was the most embarrassing thing he'd ever been through. Amelia was quick to sense the embarrassment, patting Jay's shoulder as she stood up from her spot on the bed.
"Oh Jay, no one remembers doing it. Trust me, when you've seen one you've seen them all. You're good, I promise."
"So when can it come out?"
"In a couple days, when you're ready to get up and walk around." Jay didn't like the idea of having the thing stuck in him for a few more days, but still the idea of getting up and walking was intimidating to him. So with the knowledge that his urine was flowing out of his body without his control and into a bag for the world to see, he nodded his understanding of things. It appeared the cost of living right now was the knowledge of his urine being on display for all to see.
"Okay, I'm not gunna hold up your time anymore. Enjoy the afternoon and rest. I'll be back later to check on you."
"Thank you, Amelia," Will and Hailey bid farewell to the surgeon, getting her classic wide smile and friendly wave before things returned to the three of them.
"How bad did it look," Jay spoke before anyone else had any idea of speaking. The question threw Will and Hailey for a loop, not sure which direction to go. They could either half ass it and make Jay believe all was well, or tell him the truth. There really wasn't an option the more they thought about it.
"I mean, it's not pretty. But it's fine, Jay. It's all part of the process," Will began, fiddling through his bag for his laptop and bluetooth speaker.
"Was it super bad," Jay asked Hailey, who pondered it for a moment before slowly nodding.
"I was scared, I'm not gunna lie. But I don't care what you look like, Jay. I still love you and you're going to be okay. It'll all come back." Jay nodded, biting the side of his lip before looking up at her.
"I'm sorry," he quietly spoke.
"Jay, I've already told you this: stop apologizing. It's going to be okay. It's still you, even if you look a little different right now. It's all part of getting better. Remember that."
"I'm just sorry I scared you…both of you." Will rolled his eyes, scrolling through his movie as he spoke.
"Jay, we're big people and we're gunna be just fine. Maybe the next dressing change you can see things for yourself and realize it's not that big of a deal. Is it upsetting? Sure. But then again when did you think brain surgery wouldn't be." Jay nodded, turning his attention away from his appearance and worried soup mind and to a very random idea that popped into his head. His face lit up for a second when it dawned on him what day it was. And furthermore, what time had finally arrived. Hailey was just getting settled into her seat when Jay flopped a hand her way, Hailey instinctively trying to hold his hand but he waved her off.
"Hey, where's my bag?"
"Your bag," she curiously asked? This was a rather unusual request from him. He hadn't even talked about it since it was handed off to her and Will the day of surgery, and he knew he couldn't change or use anything in it. But when Jay asked once more she knew this wasn't some fluke question or slip of the brain. Slowly she rose from her chair, going to the pile of bags in the corner of the room and collecting his.
"What do you need," she asked returning to her seat and unzipping things.
"There's a gift in there for you. I figured since it's Christmas I can finally give it to you." Her face froze, the full guilt of not having anything for him all over her face.
"Stop, it's fine. It's not that big of a deal. I think I put it in the outside compartment," Jay instructed, sitting up as best he could as he watched her move her hand into the section and pull out a small box. It wasn't wrapped, but was a light brown, cardboard material box with a string bow wrapped around the middle. Hailey held her breath as she undid the bow, sliding off the top of the box, gasping a little as she looked inside.
"I know you said you didn't need an engagement ring, that the verbal agreement was enough for you, but I wanted to get you those as a promise that one day we will make things official." Hailey couldn't form a word, slowly pulling the two black, rubber wedding bands out of the box. One was his size, the other hers. She was floored to say the least.
"Jay…when did you.." she couldn't finish, cupping her mouth with her hand as she started allowing the tears to fall.
"I got them that Monday after the whole seizure episode, when you guys went back to work and I was home alone. I didn't know if you wanted to hurry up and get married before all of this but, since we didn't, that's now a promise. That whenever this whole tumor and cancer thing is behind us, we'll start our new life together." Hailey could only nod, realizing right then that this was exactly what she needed. More then anything, a tangible token to cling to was going to be the thing that got her through the agony of watching Jay fight cancer. That it was one thing to have hope, but a whole other thing to have a visual reminder that life would move on and one day, hopefully, they would too; for the better. It then dawned on her that that Monday she arrived home with Jay wrapped under blankets in bed, having another horrific headache. So despite being in pain and under the weather and powerful drugs, he got out of bed and the house and got something to help ease her. Truly, she never loved him more. Her response to all of this was to get up and land the biggest, most heart felt kiss that he could handle, things going on for at least a minute or so.
"Thank you. I love you," she finally spoke when they pulled away, Jay wiping her tears away before holding her hand. The two of them locked eyes for a solid twenty seconds before Will stepped in to remind them that he was still there.
"Okay future newlyweds, how about some Home Alone?"
"Sure," Jay spoke as Hailey laughed her tears away. The entire movie Jay dozed in and out, probably seeing about half of the movie. He was exhausted after the whole removal of things and his brain was truly reaching limits on everything. Hailey kept the box in her hand the entire movie, so tempted to throw her ring on and slip Jay's on when he was asleep. But they made a promise and she had every intention of keeping it. When the time was right and a cancerous tumor wasn't in the middle of everything, they'd take that step. So for now, just like Jay had to do with everything in his life, Hailey had to take that leap of faith and hope that they'd land safely on the other side.
…
"Jay, hey man. Are you up?" Will was practically standing over Jay, watching his eyelids flutter in an attempt to wake up. Jay had been doing it for the last few minutes but had yet to wake up. It appeared he was dreaming, but in reality it was just the brain still trying to heal. It would be a few more weeks till Jay started dreaming again, this was more of a bodily reaction to wanting to wake up and his brain taking some time to actually allow it. Hailey nervously looked on. She'd grown accustomed to seeing Jay slow to stir and all that was coming with recovering from surgery. But still, it was unsettling to see. The man who once could do it all and seemed to have no limits now couldn't stay awake for more then an hour and was constantly struggling to perform the most basic of tasks. It was unsettling to say the least. But the very last thing she wanted was for Jay to know that it was all upsetting to her. And so, as he finally broke through and took in his surroundings once more, she put aside her fears and emotions and did her very best to smile through it all.
"Did you sleep well," she quietly asked? Jay really had to think about what she was saying, not having an answer right away. At this stage of the game it was all about falling into unconsciousness and then jumping right back into the real world. The stages of sleeping weren't there yet and he quite frankly didn't have any control over any of it. He was the innocent soul just along for the ride.
"Yeah," he groggily half lied. Giving her a quick and confused glance, he turned his attention back to Will, who was putting the bedrail down on the left side of the bed, beginning to undo IV lines so he could pull things free.
"What are you doing," Jay curiously asked, watching in great horror as things were continued to be moved and pushed before entire IV stands were freed and moved around.
"Yeah, Will. What are you doing," Hailey asked, standing up from her seat to stretch.
"So guess what."
"What," Jay spoke very emotionless, way too consumed with the sudden moving of everything to begin throwing out guesses.
"It's snowing outside." Hailey's face lit up, poor Jay still very puzzled on what that meant for everything having to be moved.
"Really? We're having a white Christmas," she asked as Will rounded the bed and repeated the process of unraveling things and pushing it all free. Will nodded through a smile, perking his eyebrows up as he did so.
"We are! It was starting this morning just as I was coming in and by the looks of the radar hasn't let up since."
"When was the last time we had a white Christmas," Hailey asked?
"It's been awhile," Jay yawned.
"Too bad we have to miss it."
"Who said we're missing it," Will confidently asked? He looked to Jay, nodding his head vigorously while he put down the bed rail on the right side of the bed.
"What are we doing?" Will turned around to look at Hailey, nodding his head towards the door and pointing as he spoke.
"Hailey, there should be a wheelchair parked out there for us. Can you go get it?" You didn't have to ask her twice. Whilst squealing with delight and nodding, she practically bounced her way to the door, throwing it open and grabbing the wheelchair before the door could close on her. Will began the process of pulling Jay's blankets down, revealing a very shaky and weak body to the world. Even on his lower half, there was still so much going on. More lines, more monitors, Will was beginning to wonder how they'd get Jay free of it all.
"Will, are we allowed to be doing this?"
"Yes, I got permission this morning. Hailey and I are going to help you into the wheelchair and then were all going to go one floor up where they have a huge display window. We won't be gone long but I figured you'd want to see the snow."
"But…what if something happens," Jay quietly asked?
"What if I have another seizure or pass out?" Will took a seat on the bed, taking a breath before answering. He looked up at his brother's eyes, looking past the blood stained whites and straight at the blue/green pupils. He was a vision of nerves, quite scared to move from his little sanctuary. He may have been a big hater of hospitals, but it appeared over the last two days it had become his comfort zone. This tiny, scary, highly documented and watched room was all he'd known this side of surgery. His very jumbled and ill mind had convinced him that this was the only safe haven in his life, that the second he left this space the world and all its' scariness would consume him. And how could anyone blame him. He had been out in the real world when all of this happened to him, so it was natural to find a shelter to hide out in and never want to leave. This fear and almost resistance of things was a very new side to Jay. Call it the tumor or surgery or cancer aspect of it all, but Jay was changed. If these changes were permanent remained to be seen. But regardless, right this minute Jay was scared and in order for the whole idea to work, Will had to convince him that things would be okay.
"Jay, you've been stable for over twenty-four hours now. Your numbers are looking good today and you haven't showed any signs of seizure activity or issues. You're tired, but that's expected for a little bit of time. If you weren't doing well, Dr. Heart wouldn't have signed off on the idea. It's only going to be for a few minutes and we'll go slow. If you feel anything happen or sense that it's too much, just let me know. Sound good." It was rather obvious that Jay wasn't fully convinced of things. In his nodding of understanding he couldn't bring himself to look at Will, instead looking down at his hands and breathing a little deeper then before.
"Jay, it's okay to be nervous. You've been through a lot and still have a few more steps to go. But right now, at this very moment in time you're doing great and there's no reason to be scared. Okay?" Again, more nods that didn't look Will's way. Will knew his brother enough to know one conversation wasn't going to change things, he was stubborn to his core.
"So how are we doing this," was going to be his very best attempt to both move things along and convince Will that all was well. Will patted his brother's leg before rising to help sit Jay up.
"We're going to slowly pull you up to a sitting position. Then we're going to help swing your legs to the side and then, when you're ready, we'll help you stand up and walk you to the wheelchair. It will only be a step or two. You'll do great." Jay slowly nodded, closing his eyes as Will and Hailey put hands behind his back and ever so slowly pushed him into a sitting up position in the bed.
"How are we feeling," Will asked?
"Really dizzy and nauseous," Jay spoke through gritted teeth.
"Okay, that's normal. Just keep your eyes closed till things calm down. It should go away in a second or two."
"You're doing great," Hailey spoke as she rubbed Jay's back, remaining to hold Jay up as Will undid the circulation boots on Jay's feet and freed the catheter bag from the side of the bed. Jay would seriously flinch at the touching of everything, a couple of times whimpering before apologizing. They both got it, this was a lot for him to handle so soon, but he was doing such a great job. Sure enough, Jay was able to open his eyes about a minute later, taking in his newfound height in the room. For the first time in two days he could see the floor, his bag, everything that was in the room. Furthermore, he could finally see his feet, note the socks on them and watch them twitch on command. Such a small thing, but huge after all that he'd been through.
"How are you doing now," Will asked as he pulled the wheelchair as close to the bed as he could?
"Not as dizzy and the nausea is gone."
"Good! Let's get you to the side of the bed." Hailey took the back, almost wrapping Jay in a hug as she pulled his upper half to the right while Will grabbed the feet and pulled them in the same direction. In one full swing Jay went from sitting up in bed to sitting on the side of the bed. His whole body was shaking, to the point Hailey was worried it was another seizure. But in reality that was how weak Jay's body was. All it took was two full days in bed for it to become as weak as Jay was. She patted his back once he was sitting up, dangling his feet over the edge. Underneath everything he looked so small, but Hailey was immensely proud of him for making it this far.
"Can we fix the back," Jay asked, trying to motion with his hand.
"Yup, of course," Will said as he went to the back and tied the dangling strings, finally completing the dressing of Jay in the hospital gown. They all took a breather now, allowing Jay to adjust to things before taking the next huge step. It was almost comical, watching him swing his legs back and fourth. He was like a little kid, being playful and joyous to be out and ready to move.
"And here we go. We've both got you," Will encouraged as he instructed Jay on how to scoot himself off the bed. Jay might've been a little too eager with the dismount. Because no sooner did his feet touch the ground did he feel the rest of him begin to crumble and fall to the ground.
"Hold on, we got you," Will encouraged as he and Hailey truly grabbed him and helped pull him back upright. In reality it wasn't that big of a tumble, but to Jay and his very messed up mind he felt to have been inches away from face planting.
"One step. Good! Now turn around." Jay did as told as best he could, sighing a massive amount of relief as ass hit solid ground. He'd done it. He'd made it to another resting spot.
"Here, we'll tuck this right here," Will joked as he hid the catheter bag close to the back of the wheelchair, placing it so as they walked around no one would see.
"Is that what I think it is," Jay asked. Hailey chuckled and rolled her eyes as Will nodded.
"Oh stop, Jay. Literally everyone else on the floor has one." Hailey helped gather the IV stands, taking both and walking behind the wheelchair as Will steered everyone to their next location.
"Alrighty, here we go!" Jay held his breath as the door was opened and he was pushed into his new world, and my how shocked and humbled he was. The very first thing he noted was how quiet and dark the whole floor was. As they began to pass rooms he spotted just how quiet and calm and dark it all was, and looking at the patients in their room he fully realized why. No one was awake like he was, and certainly no one was up and talking and in a wheelchair. He noted how lifeless everyone looked, how still and experimental everyone was. He didn't know the story of any of them, but just comparing his situation to theirs he was incredibly humbled to be in the position he was. Furthermore, he was scared that at one point he was one of them. That's when his mind went to Will and Hailey, trying to put himself in their shoes and imagine the last few days they had to survive. He'd been out for most of it, and was really clueless on the severity of things when he wasn't. But to see things from this perspective and work things backwards, he was both grateful to be as far in his recovery as he was while also feeling ever so deeply for everyone he saw. For the first time ever, he was grateful to be the guy with a brain tumor, and an operable one at that. Because while he was dealing with cancer and remnants of a tumor, he was awake and talking and breathing on his own. The same could not be said for any of his neighbors right now. For all he knew, their stories were a lot more dire and terrifying as his, which was surprising to Jay. It drove home the very real truth that as bad as one's situation is, there is always someone else out there in a far worse position. So therefore, one must be grateful for what they had, take ownership of their situation and fight as hard as they could. That was all Jay needed to see to remind himself of things. He was dealing with cancer, but he had a chance to beat it.
"How are you doing," Will whispered as they made it to the elevator.
"Humbled," Jay mumbled to himself.
"What," Hailey asked?
"Humbled," Jay spoke a little louder this time.
"Thank you guys for being here. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Likewise," Will replied as he pulled everyone onto the elevator, selecting the next floor and all rose in silence. The great white surprise of a snow filled Chicago greeted them on the other side of the elevator doors. Hailey's face lit up at the sight of fresh snow falling to an already coated world, Will smirking as Jay just took it all in. The three of them made it to the giant window, quietly admiring things and appreciating the quietness of it all. That was perhaps one of the most magical elements of snow. It could look to be falling as fast and chaotic as anything else in the world, but if you were to step outside and truly experience the snow, it was the most silent phenomena you'd ever witness. Because not only was it's cascading to earth silently, but the world quite literally stops all activity to witness it's splendor. The flurry of life stops dead in it's tracks for the white substance, allowing the purity and refreshing qualities to do their thing. As the three of them watched the stunning winter wonderland take shape out there, Jay was ever reminded that their was beauty in the midst of chaos. That as uncertain and hectic as his life was right now, he had to stop and appreciate the beauty of it all. The world in front of him was just as big and wide and full of possibilities as it was when he left it days ago. The only difference was that it was now very silent, very much thick with the peace and beauty of snow. The world was putting on a big show for him right now. He might've been different right now, and would be for some time, but the world outside these hospital walls was as constant as it ever was. He just had to stop and breathe and appreciate where he was in life right now. Take note of the silence, appreciate the peace and calm before it all ended. Will might've taken him up here to just witness snow falling, but what he was completely unaware of was that this moment was exactly what Jay needed for the coming days and weeks ahead. There was beauty in chaos, silence amongst calamity. Jay just had to go looking for it and cling to it. It was going to be his way out of all this.
"Thank you, Will. For this. I'm glad we were able to get up here." Will beamed at his brother, nodding before looking back out at the world.
"Of course! I knew you'd like it. Merry Christmas, Jay." They stayed up on the floor till the sun set, remaining as silent and joyful and in child-like wonder the entire time. It wasn't a Christmas any of them saw coming. But, it was definitely one for the history books. Christmas 2021 was a special one in it's own way.