Chapter Thirty-Five: Transformation

I groaned myself awake at the sound of my cell phone; it wasn't the music that I'd set to play for my alarm but my regular ringtone, so I checked and was surprised to see that it was Mom and Dad Furukawa. "Good morning, this is Okazaki."

"Good morning, Tomoya!" Mom's melodious voice nearly sang through the speaker. "I'm sorry; did I wake you?"

"You did, but it's fine; I needed to get up anyway," I grunted. "How're you and Pops doing? What can I do for you?"

"Have you had break-oh, I guess you wouldn't have just yet," she giggled; I was still amazed at how someone in her mid- to late-fifties could still sound so young. "Would you and Shio-chan please come over for breakfast?"

I thought it odd that she didn't say something more like 'would you like to…?', so I figured she wanted us there for some reason. "Um, sure. I'll check with Ushio and we should be able to be there around…" I quickly checked the clock, figuring it would take us about a half hour to get ready and get over there. "…would nine-thirty be okay? We could probably be there around nine-fifteen, but I can't account for Ushio right now."

"Nine-thirty would be fine, but the sooner you could get here the better."

I took a deep breath to help finish waking up. "All right, I'll do my best. See you in a bit."

"I look forward to it, Tomoya," she replied. "See you later."

I ended the call as I hurried out of my room and down the hall to Ushio's door. "Sweetie?" I called as I gently knocked. "Grandma Furukawa just invited us to breakfast. Can you be ready soon?"

I heard a squeal from within the room, bringing a smile to my face. "Daddy! I'll be ready soon! Can I have fifteen minutes?"

"That's fine," I replied. "I set up for us to be there at nine-thirty, but it'd be good if we could get there sooner."

"All right, I'll hurry."

Knowing that it would take her a few minutes to do what she needed to do in her room, I headed back down the hall and into the washroom to take care of some basic personal hygiene. One face-wash and teeth-brushing later, I hurried back to my room to get dressed.

A few minutes later I went into the living room to find Ushio dressed, but with messy hair. "Could I brush my hair on the way there?" she asked, holding up her hairbrush. "I don't want to keep everyone waiting."

"I guess that's fine," I chuckled. "Are you ready to go otherwise?"

"Yup!" she chirped with a bright smile and a sweep of her brush through her hair.

I chuckled again as we switched out our shoes and then headed out.

"When did Grandma invite us over?" she asked as I fought with the lock.

"I'm not sure," I replied as the stupid lock finally clicked. "She woke me with her call, so it was probably around eight."

"That's an interesting time to call," she remarked, and I looked over to see her in deep thought, if her wrinkled nose was any indication. "I don't remember Grandpa or Grandma ever calling that early."

"I dunno," I said with a shrug. "We haven't been to their place for breakfast in a long time; maybe she wasn't sure when we have breakfast so she wanted to make sure to catch us in time."

"That could be…" she mused as she struggled with a tangle.

We were quiet for the rest of the walk, Ushio working on her hair while I worked on finishing my wake-up.

The shutters to Furukawa Bakery were still closed, and I felt a heaviness at a sudden memory of meeting Mom Furukawa for the first time, mistakenly believing that she was Nagisa's sister and all. I cleared my throat and shook my head to file the memory away for later, then reached out to knock on the bakery door.

To my surprise, Dad was the one who answered the door. "Ah, Cosmo!"

"Oh, good grief," I griped; it had been years since he'd used any of the idiotic nicknames he and Mom had come up with. "Good morning, Dad."

"Good morning," he returned with a lopsided grin as he stepped aside to let us in, hugging Ushio as she passed. "Go on in; breakfast is already on the table."

"I hope we didn't keep you waiting too long," I heard my daughter say apologetically.

"No, not at all! As a matter of fact, your grandma just got the last thing on the table," he said as he waved us toward the living room.

I smiled as I smelled rice, egg and fish coming from the room just ahead and I entered, opening my mouth to greet Mom, and….froze.

"G-Good morning, Okazaki-sama," Mika greeted as she sat with Mom at their kotatsu. "I h-hope the morning find you well."

"Y-Yeah…" I said, my feet starting again as I felt a push from behind – Dad, most likely. I settled into the place where Mom indicated which was, of course, right next to Mika. "Wha…What's going on?"

"Hiiragi-san stopped by to meet with us last night," Mom told me as Ushio sat down next to me. "After chatting for a bit, we decided to meet for breakfast."

"Good for you?" I said as I noticed that my admirer was wearing a kimono. "Mika, why are you dressed like that?"

"Let us start breakfast first, then we can answer your questions," Mom said, gesturing to the meal before us.

In the end, Dad sat at the head of the table, with Mom to his left and Ushio next to her, while I sat to his right, and Mika sat next to me…in a kimono.

"Shall we?" Mom chirped, and then put her hands together, the rest of us following suit.

After we had eaten for a bit, Mom spoke up. "You ask an important question, Tomoya; why is Mika dressed the way she is?"

"Thanks… I think," I said, very uncomfortable with the idea of Mika being around Nagisa's parents.

Instead of answering immediately, Mom looked across the table to my admirer. "Hiiragi-san? Would you like to tell him or shall I?"

"I-" was all Mika could get out, and a quick glance told me that she hadn't even touched her meal yet, and I figured that Mom would be the one answering.

As it turned out, I was right. "She is here to ask for our permission to date you," Mom told me.

"I figured," I said quietly, trying to keep my temper in check; why was I so angry?

"Daddy? Are you okay?" I barely heard my daughter ask.

"No. No, I am not okay," I said. "I feel like…" I cleared my throat in an effort to release the tightness that had formed. "I…feel like ever since she started coming over to help me out, she's been shoving her way into my life, and now she's trying to push Nagisa out."

I heard a gasp from my right and looked to see Mika with her hands over her mouth and tears in her eyes. "Do…Do you really believe that, O-O-"

"I don't know what to believe anymore!" I yelled as I shot to my feel. "I've barely got myself pulled together, and… Why? Why is everyone okay with this?" I whirled on Mom. "Are you and Dad really okay with this?! She's trying to replace your daughter!"

"I-I don't believe that to be the case," Mom said, and her stutter told me that I must have looked terrifying.

"Me neither," Dad said, "and you need to cool off, Tomoya."

I took a deep breath to try and slow the unfinished thoughts that were racing through my mind. "I… You're right; I need to cool off. Please excuse me," I said as I bowed quickly. "Ushio, please stay here until I get back."

"Okay, Daddy," she said, and I could see worry in her eyes.

Any other responses were lost as I raced out of the room, down the hall and out the front door of the bakery. My mind and heart were racing, but I knew exactly where I needed to go.

I knocked on the front door of the church and waited as patiently as I could, and it seemed like forever before the front door opened. "Well, good morning, Tomoya-san!" Pastor Jeff greeted, and I immediately started to feel calmer. "What brings you here this morning?"

"Good morning, Pastor," I returned. "I was hoping you could spare the time to talk-"

"Whoa, easy there," he said, resting a hand on my shoulder. "Slow down a bit; you're slurring and your words are running together."

They were? I took another deep breath on focused on calming myself. "Sorry about that. Do I sound better now?"

"You still sound agitated, but at least I can follow what you're saying now," he replied with a concerned look. "Come in and let's see what's going on." I couldn't trust that I wouldn't 'speed-talk' again, so I simply nodded as I followed him into the church. He led me down the hall and into the kitchen. "I hope you don't mind if I eat; I was just sitting down to breakfast."

"That's right; you have one of your services today, don't you?" It seemed like it'd been so long since I attended one of the church meetings.

"That I do!" he said as he headed over to his small meal table. "Oh; have you eaten?"

"Yeah, I have."

"I'd offer you coffee, but you already seem pretty wound up… Have a seat," he said, gesturing to the chair across from his meal. "Unless you'd prefer to stand; either is fine."

I nodded as I took my seat.

"So, what's going on?" he asked casually as he settled in front of his breakfast.

"I…I'm not sure," I replied honestly. "I was just at Mom and DadFurkawa'sand-" I cut myself off as I realized I was starting to speed up again. "I…was…just at Mom and Dad Furukawa's; Mom had invited Ushio and I to breakfast, but when we got there, Mika was there."

"Okay…" he said, presumably to let me know he understood so far.

"Mom told me that she was there to ask permission to date me."

His eyebrows jumped. "Indeed? So, what's the problem?"

"She's trying to replace Nagisa!" I exclaimed, and I could feel myself starting to get worked up again so I took another deep breath.

"How so?"

"By…" I started my answer but realized that I couldn't finish it. How was Mika trying to replace Nagisa?

"With all respect, Tomoya-san, I don't think that's what she's trying to do."

"But she wants to be my wife!"

"Yes, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she's trying to replace Nagisa," he replied, then leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table and his chin in his hands. "Why does this have you so worked up?"

"Because I feel like she's trying to replace Nagisa."

"In what way?"

That I didn't have an answer for, and I admitted as such. "Do you think I'm being irrational about this?"

"Yes, I do. But you obviously have some reason for feeling the way you do. What is that reason?" He leaned back in his chair, apparently having forgotten his breakfast, and studied me. "What emotions are you feeling right now?"

"I'm... I think I'm feeling panicky," I answered.

"Okay. Panic is a normal emotional response to a high-stress situation. So, at some level you think – no, believe – that you were in a high-stress situation." He steepled his fingers, tapping his index fingers against his chin. "You said that Mika was there, right?"

"She was there, yeah."

"Okay, that could account for at least some of your panic response." He blinked. "Wait; did you know that she was going to be there?"

"No, I didn't."

He nodded several times. "Okay, I think I'm starting to get an idea of what happened; you went to the in-laws, thinking that you would just have breakfast. But when you got there you were thrown the proverbial curveball in the form of Mika, who was…asking their permission to date you or something like that. Do I understand correctly?"

"Y-Yeah." Something about Pastor Jeff's presence always had a way of calming me, which was sometimes unsettling in its own way. "Yeah, you're right."

He unlinked his fingers to cross his arms and close his eyes, and I got the sense that he was praying.

Finally, he opened his eyes. "Tomoya-san; what's keeping you from accepting Mika?"

"Excuse me? Where did that come from?"

He spread his hands. "I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming you, but a lot of this is because Mika still has her hopes up due to you not outright turning her down."

"But I have," I protested, inwardly pleased that I was starting to feel better. "When she confessed to me, I told her that I couldn't return her feelings."

"Maybe I phrased that incorrectly," he murmured as he turned unfocused eyes toward the table. After a moment he looked back to me. "What I'm talking about is cutting her out completely; no dinners, no visits…nothing. I mean cutting her off completely."

My stomach slithered to my shoes. "I…I couldn't do that…"

"Why not?"

"Because it'd be cruel!" I exclaimed, surprised that he would even suggest such a thing.

"Any less cruel than what she's going through right now?" he countered.

I couldn't think of any way to respond to that.

"Tomoya-san; I believe I've asked you this before but… Would you say that Mika has enriched your life?"

"Well, yeah."

"I mean more than just your shoulder," he added while giving me a knowing look.

"You mean…like my spirit?"

"Soul, spirit, anything like that, yes," he replied.

"Well, yeah," I repeated. "Why?"

He sighed as he shook his head. "Tomoya-san, there's something…deep...within you that's keeping you from accepting her, and I don't think it's her."

I bit back a smart-alecky reply. "What is it?"

He sighed again. "I don't know per se, but I can hazard an educated guess. Would you be willing to hear me out?"

"If you think it'll help, sure," I said, suddenly feeling tired.

He looked up at the ceiling again as he gathered his thoughts. Finally, he lowered his gaze to me again. "I think it ties into how your life has gone so far. Like you've said; every time you get something good, something always happens that takes it away. First your mother, then your shoulder, then your wife…" He blinked as though he suddenly realized something. "Are you waiting for something to take your daughter away from you?"

I felt my skin grow cold with the shock. "How…How did you know?"

"I didn't," he admitted, "but once we see a pattern out of life we come to expect more of that. In your case, repeated losses." He took a deep breath. "I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that the real problem is not your relative ages or your financial situations or anything like that; I think you're afraid that if you accept Mika that something will happen to take her away from you the way it did with your mother and your wife."

I gasped as everything started to make sense. "That's why I like having her around but try to keep her at arm's length."

"Exactly." He sighed as he continued to study me. "Do you think you're cursed, Tomoya-san?"

"Cursed?" I'd never considered that, but… "I don't think so."

"In that case, I'd call this what we Christians call 'an agreement with Satan'," he said as he took up his fork and poked at what must have been cold scrambled eggs.

"An agreement with Satan?" I echoed. "What does that mean?"

"It's where we accept something bad in our life as normal as a way of coping with it," he replied after swallowing his bite. Then, he grimaced. "I'm sorry, do you mind if I reheat this?"

"No, go ahead," I chuckled, waving in the direction of the microwave. "Sorry for disrupting your breakfast."

"Please, don't apologize," he said as he headed over to the counter. "You have a lot on your mind and heart; I'm just glad that I can be used to help."

"You have been, thanks," I said, finally feeling warmth in my chest; it seemed like it had been forever. I leaned back in the chair and crossed my arms as I thought. "I guess it could be this 'agreement' you're talking about, or coping mechanism or whatever."

He said nothing, but I could feel his attention on me as he worked.

Unsure of what exactly to think, I clapped my hands down onto my legs. "All right; let's say you're right; what do I do?"

"Well," he said as he reclaimed his seat, "were you a Christian, I would suggest that you put your trust in Him." Before I could reply he continued. "But as far as I know, we don't have that option."

"So…" I said as I gestured to him.

"All I can do is tell you to stop accepting it," he said somewhat sternly. "I don't know what you're intended for, Tomoya-san, but I can tell you that you are not intended to be life's punching bag."

I tried to suppress a snort, but failed.

"You were created with potential. Granted, some of that was lost due to the free will that God gives all of us, including your father, who made a bad choice when he chose to model violence for you."

I sat quietly, impressed by his words.

"You have chosen to accept a lie about yourself; namely, that you are not allowed good things." He put his fork down to fix me with his gaze. "You have to tell it 'no', Tomoya-san. If nothing else, you have to tell it 'no'. No, you will not accept the lie that good things are for other people but not for you. No, you will not accept the lie that you were made to be a loser…" With the way he was talking, it sounded like he was standing in front of his congregation. "And this has nothing specifically to do with Mika; it could be about your job, your family, your friends…" He reached across the table to take me by the shoulders, and for some reason he had tears in his eyes. "Spit in Satan's eye, Tomoya-san; tell him you won't accept his lies, for you belong to one greater than him."

"But, Pastor…" I said, feeling awkward and kinda sad at the same time, "…I'm not a Christian."

He blinked and removed his hands form my shoulders. "Right. Sorry." He gave me an embarrassed smile. "I guess I got a little carried away, there; I let God 'speak through me', if you will."

I couldn't think of anything to say as I…just…looked at him. "Do you really think I could fight this? And win?"

"This is not the way you were meant to be, of that much I can be certain," he replied as he spread his hands. "So yes, these lies can be overcome."

I suddenly realized that I felt…calm, relaxed. "I guess I have some thinking to do."

"So it would seem," he said with a kind smile. "Should we wrap things up, then?"

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," I said as I started to get up from the table. "Thanks for your time, and…sorry again for disrupting your breakfast."

"Don't worry about it," he said, getting up from his seat as well. "That's where microwaves come in handy," he finished with a wink, causing me to chuckle. "Before you leave; may I pray for you? I know you're not a Christian, but…"

"Yeah, that's fine," I replied with another chuckle.

He gave me another wink before resting a hand on my shoulder and closed his eyes; out of courtesy, I did the same. "Lord Jesus, thank you for our time together this morning. Thank you for Tomoya-san, who's going through a very difficult time right now. Please grant him peace, guidance, and wisdom in his situation, and show him that you have made him to be a winner in life and not bound by the lies that he hears, be they from without or within. Bless him as he goes out today, and show him your kindness and mercy. May your will be done." I felt a couple claps on my shoulder and opened my eyes to see him smiling down at me; he was pretty tall, after all. "How are you feeling right now?"

"Drained," I half-whined, "and my day's barely started."

"I'm sorry your day started off on the wrong foot," he said sincerely.

"Thanks," I murmured. "I have an 'ice cream date' with Fuuko this afternoon, but I'm not sure if I'll be up to it."

"Go home and get some rest," he said, patting me on the shoulder again. "You've earned it. Give yourself up to about a couple of hours before your get-together, and if you really think you can't do it, just call her and apologize; I'm sure she'll understand."

"Yeah, you're probably right," I sighed as we headed back to the entrance. "Thanks, Pastor. I hope your service goes well today."

"I'll be praying for you," he said as he opened the front door for me. "May your day end better than the way it started."

"Thanks…again," I chuckled.

As I headed back toward the bakery I thought about what I would need to say to Mom and Dad; I had left rather abruptly, and rudely at that. "Guess I'll start with an apology and see what happens," I grumbled, mainly at my own behavior.

I started feeling awkward as the front of the bakery came into view, and I was surprised to find Dad Furukawa waiting out front. "Hey," he greeted, lighting a cigarette as I approached.

"Hey," I returned. "Sorry about earlier; my outburst and all."

"Yeah," he grunted before taking a draw from his smoke. "You know, I told Sanae that we should have told you about the Hiiragi girl, that there are some surprises that you just shouldn't spring on a guy, but..." He shrugged a shoulder as he looked at me with an apologetic expression.

"She didn't listen, I guess," I said, feeling the need to state the obvious.

"Nope," he said with his smoke clutched in his teeth as he tugged at the belt loop of his pants. "Looking back, I should have put my foot down, but sometimes women have to learn the hard way…just like us," he said, taking the cigarette out of his mouth to flick the ashes. "I'm really sorry about that, Tomoya." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder and toward the door to the bakery. "Sanae's inside with Shio-chan; give her a chance to apologize, okay? She's been torn up since you left."

I started toward the door, but paused. "Is Mika still here?"

"Nah," he said with a shake of his head. "She left shortly after you did. She's a nice girl."

"Yeah, she is," I chuckled. "She's also too high-class for someone like me. Anyway, is it okay to go in?"

"Yeah, go ahead," he replied, jerking his thumb toward the door again. "She's actually been waiting for you."

I sighed as I headed into the bakery and over to the do-

"Tomoya."

Dad's voice stopped me again, and I half-turned to look over my shoulder at him. "Yeah, Dad?"

He walked up to me with a thoughtful expression on his face, then clapped a hand on my shoulder. "If she thought she was too high-class for you, she wouldn't be pursuing you the way she has."

The thought had occurred to me, but… "Are you and Mom really okay with her replacing your daughter?"

He gave me a look of disbelief. "She wouldn't be replacing Nagisa, brat; she'd just be your wife."

"Fine, but would you be okay with that?"

"That's what she came over to ask about, remember?" he said with a lopsided grin. "Now go in and talk to Sanae; she's been waiting long enough."

I gave him a grin of my own before heading through the door that led from the bakery to their home. I headed down the hall and into the living room to find Mom with Ushio, talking quietly.

"Hi, Daddy!" Ushio chirped as she hopped up from her seat. "Are…you feeling better now?"

"A lot better," I replied as I sat down across from Mom. I noticed that her eyes were slightly puffy and red, which served to twist the knife already n my gut. "I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier, Mom. I just…" I trailed off, realizing that any explanation I tried to give would sound more like a rationalization for my behavior, so… "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Tomoya," she said as Dad came into the room and sat next to her. "I know how much you miss Nagisa, so I should have told you what was going on."

"Don't worry about it," I said. "I could have dealt with this a long time ago, but my cowardice kept me from taking care of it." Remembering my unanswered question I asked, "Would you be okay with Mika becoming my wife?"

"Are you really thinking about marrying her, Daddy?" Ushio asked in an astonished tone.

"Not now Ushio, please," I said, lifting a hand.

Mom sniffed a couple of times and dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. "She's such a lovely young lady. In some ways, she reminds me so much of Nagisa."

"Really?" I'd never thought of that before; was Mika really like Nagisa? Could that have been why I was starting to feel drawn toward the girl?

"She does; in fact, that's part of the reason I've been crying," she replied as she waved a tissue toward her own face. "The rest of it being due to how my actions affected you."

I got up from my seat and headed around the table to offer her my hands. She let me help her to her feet, and I gave her a long hug, which she eagerly returned. "I'm fine, Mom. I'm sorry for the way I acted."

"You had your reasons, Tomoya. I'm just glad you seem to be better now," she said as she stepped away and dabbed at her eyes again.

"Did you go see Pastor Jeff?" Ushio asked.

I chuckled awkwardly as I rubbed the back of my neck. "Yeah. Yeah, I did. He really helped me see some things that I'd been missing."

"Like what?" Mom asked.

I opened my mouth to answer, but… "I'm…not really ready to talk about it just yet; it's all kinda new, so I need some time to think about it. Anyway…"

"If the two of you wanted to marry, you'd have our blessing," Dad said as Mom sat back down.

"But I don't get it," I said, still having a hard time with the idea. "You understand that we're eighteen years apart, right? For crying out loud, she's the same age that Nagisa was when I first met her."

"We know," Mom said with a warm smile.

"We also don't care," Dad added. "Nagisa wouldn't want you sad and alone for the rest of your life. And for her age, Hiiragi-san seems pretty mature."

"She definitely has her head on straight, unlike me," I chuckled, drawing smiles from my in-laws. "Well, I don't mean to be rude, but I need to get home; I'm supposed to be meeting a friend for ice cream shortly after lunch, and I'd like some time to get ready."

"Would it be okay if Shio-chan stayed with us for the afternoon?" Mom asked.

"Yeah, that's true," I realized. "She doesn't have to go home. Well, it's up to her," I said, gesturing to my daughter. "You want to spend the day with your grandparents, sweetie?"

"I'd love to!" she squealed. "Thanks, Daddy!"

"We'll send her on her way before dinner," Dad told me as Mom nodded. "You'll probably want her there when the Hiiragi girl shows up, right?"

"R-Right." In all the excitement, I'd forgotten that Mika would be showing up to make dinner; even so, how I could forget after all this time I'd never know. "Well, I guess I'll see you later, then." I gave a lame wave before heading out of the room and to the exit.

I was halfway through the bakery when Mom's voice stopped me. "Tomoya! Wait a moment, please!" I turned to see her hurrying up to me. "First; please do not beat yourself up over earlier, okay?"

"All right," I replied. "I wasn't planning on doing that, but thank you."

"And second…" She took my hands and paused, and I could tell that she was thinking about how she wanted to say what she…well, wanted to say. "Second; please, please seriously consider giving Hiiragi-san a chance."

I sighed with a smile… It was official; everyone who knew me had said that they would approve of a relationship with Mika. "I will; I promise."

"Thank you." Her lower lip quivered in spite of her smile as she released my hands. "Have a wonderful day."

"You, too," I said, then gave her one last hug before leaving the bakery.

After what seemed like a long walk home, I wrestled my way through the door, swapped out my shoes, made my way down the hall to my room and, after setting an alarm, collapsed on my floor.

I woke to the sound of my cell phone's alarm tone and groaned my way to my feet. I made my way to the washroom, splashed cold water on my face, and felt remarkably better. "It's amazing what a short nap can do," I told my reflection. I knew, though, that it wasn't just the nap; Pastor Jeff's help with working through my issue really seemed to take a load off my shoulders that I never knew I had. I actually felt lighter.

As I entered the living room, I called out to Ushio to ask her what she wanted for lunch before I remembered that she was still over at her grandparents' house. So I went ahead and had a late but healthy lunch, switched out my shoes, and headed out the door.

I could already feel a hint of autumn in the air as I headed to the ice cream shop, and I made a mental note to see about taking Ushio to visit her great-grandmother Okazaki's grave before school started again. I swallowed a lump as I remembered the last time I saw her before she died, about five or six years ago. "Everyone's getting older…" I mused, feeling another sense of loss. "Well, except for Sunohara, of course," I snorted, shaking my head as I thought back to his antics at my last counseling session. "What an idiot."

As the ice cream shop came into view I saw a figure that looked like Fuuko. Short, with long brown hair tied toward the end… As I got closer and saw that it was her, I got a good look at her outfit; a light-brown dress with shoulder straps over a white, short-sleeved shirt. A sunhat that was white but not quite white sat on top of her head. I chuckled as I realized that the thirty-six-year old looked like a little doll. "Good afternoon, Fuuko," I greeted while raising a hand.

Her eyes snapped to me like I'd startled her. "G-Good afternoon, Okazaki-san."

"You okay?" I asked as I stopped in front of her. "Sorry if I startled you."

For some reason, she cast her gaze to the ground between us. "It…It's okay."

Unsure of how to continue, I gestured toward the shop. "Well, are you ready for ice cream?" She simply nodded, so I led the way, opening the door to let her go first. "Go ahead and get whatever you want; I know you invited me, but I'd like to treat, if that's okay."

"O-Okay."

As we entered the shop and gave our orders I noticed that Fuuko seemed to be spacing out rather frequently. I kept my concerns to myself until we had sat at one of the outdoor tables and started eating. "Are you okay?" I asked carefully. "You seem…distracted."

"Eh?" Fuuko suddenly sat straight up and snapped her gaze to mine. "N-No! I mean, yes! I mean…" She shook her head vigorously, then had to grab for her hat as it started to fall off her head. "Fuuko's fine!" she yelped as she worked on putting her hat back on. "Fuuko's perfectly fine!"

"If you say so," I said, concerned at her sudden reversion in speech; she'd been using pronouns since we'd met each other again, so she must have been stressed for some reason. Then, it clicked; she was probably nervous because she was seeing our get-together as a date, while I wasn't. I decided to change the subject, hoping to put her more at ease. "How's life at the bookstore?"

"Fine," she replied, but without much energy.

"That's good," I said, not sure what else to say.

We sat for several minutes, eating ice cream and saying nothing to each other. Considering how near-hyper she was back when she was helping me with Ushio, it was a real surprise.

"Okazaki-san…? Do you…like that...purple-haired girl?" I heard her ask in a quiet voice; well, that didn't take long.

"Which one?" With the way things had gone with Kotomi and Sakagami, I figured she was referring to Mika, but I wanted to be sure to avoid any potential misunderstandings.

"That one that asked if she could still love you," she replied in the same quiet tone. "The one at the table by herself."

"That would be Hiiragi Mika-san," I offered. "And of course I like her; she's a very kind girl who helped me when I was down."

She surprised me with an annoyed look. "Fuuko thinks that Okazaki-san knows exactly what Fuuko means by 'like'."

I sighed as I hung my head. "Yeah, If figured. And I don't know; maybe."

"Fuuko talked to Hiiragi-san at the restaurant, you know."

I was initially surprised until I realized that made sense, since Fuuko had gone with her sister and brother-in-law to lunch. So, they'd talked while I was home, huh?

"We talked on the way back to the restaurant, and some more at the restaurant," she continued, apparently unaware of the ice cream melting onto her hand. "Even though Fuuko knows about Mika-san's feelings, Fuuko thought that…" She trailed off as she started licking at her ice cream again, including some that had run onto her hand.

"Did you think you could 'win me over'?" I asked, my desire for truth temporarily overshadowing my manners.

She nodded absently. "Fuuko's known Okazaki-san for a long time, and Fuuko's liked Okazaki-san for a long time, but…" She lifted her gaze back to me. "Fuu… I…was afraid."

"Of what?"

She sighed with a small smile. "I know that I'm not…normal because of the accident," she replied, surprising me. "When I hear myself talk and then hear other people talk, I can tell that I'm…different."

"That doesn't make you any less of a person," I tried countering.

"Thank you," she said, her smile broadening. "But it does mean that I'm going to feel more…more…" Her eyes lost focus as she searched for the right word.

"Uncomfortable?' I suggested.

"Inadequate," she replied. "Especially when it comes to guys that I like."

It was hard to miss the meaning behind her words. "I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner."

"You were hurting," she said. "You'd just gotten Ushio back, and you were trying to get better from the loss of your wife."

"Wait…" The accountant in me reflexively did the simple math. "Ten years? That's how long you….?" I gestured at her, unable to finish my sentence.

She nodded solemnly. "I tried to make myself pretty for you, hoping you'd notice."

"I do remember you messing with your hair a lot while you were over," I said. "So you were…'making yourself pretty'?"

She nodded again, then looked down as a blush started to form. "I've never told anyone this before, but part of the reason I gave Shio-chan so much attention was to…distract myself from how good-looking you were."

"Seriously?" I could hardly believe my ears. "When you first came over, you were all 'Shio-chan! Shio-chan!' Are you saying that you were…well, you were partly distracting yourself?"

She nodded with a blush as she took a bite out of her cone.

I leaned back in my seat, only to have to lean forward again as my ice cream threatened to drip onto my shirt. "I…don't know what to say." What was I supposed to say? I'd been blind for years when it came to girls, and then women.

"You don't have to say anything," she replied, then straightened slightly. "I started at the bookstore with the plan to adopt Shio-chan, but a couple of things happened…"

I said nothing, but showed her my full attention.

"…One, I realized that my idea was really immature…" she said with a giggle, "…and Two, I'd gotten so caught up in my job that I'd kinda forgotten about adopting her."

"You were focused on your own life," I noted. "Nothing wrong with that."

She flashed me a grateful smile. "Except that I also ended up forgetting to…to…" Her forehead wrinkled as she thought; had I any idea what she was trying to say I would have tried to help her. Then her eyes widened as her face turned molten. "N…Never mind! N-Never mind!" She quickly looked away, apparently unable to even look at me.

I smiled, feeling sympathy toward the poor girl-er, woman. "That's fine, Fuuko; if it's embarrassing to say, I under-"

"No!" she yelled, suddenly whipping her head back around to nearly glare at me and causing me to twitch in my chair. "Fuuko needs to say this! Fuuko needs…closure!"

"I-If you say so," I managed to say.

I thought her eyes would burn right through me as she leaned toward me over the table, her cone held out to the side. "I…wanted to…wear…pretty clothes…for you," she struggled to say, her face still beet-red.

I blinked several times. "Oookay. So you wanted to wear pretty clothes for me… I don't see how that's embarrassing."

She shook her head so hard I was afraid she'd hurt herself. "No! You don't understand! I'm not talking about dresses and stuff like that! I was talking about…" She quickly covered her mouth, looking like she was about to throw up, and my stomach slithered to my shoes as I realized what she was likely talking about.

I pointed at her. "You…weren't talking about…under…"

She nodded, hands and all, and I had to fight a sudden impulse to imagine the petite woman across from me in lingerie. "Fuuko's sorry!" she whispered intensely. "I just… I had to be honest with you!"

"Well, I didn't need to know that much," I said, feeling more awkward than I ever had, "but if you needed to get it off your chest..." I trailed off, feeling even more awkward at my choice of words.

Fortunately, she didn't seem to realize the possible double-meaning. "Thank you, Okazaki-san; I actually do feel much better now."

"I'm…glad?"

She removed her hands from her mouth, and I noticed that her blush had faded. "You're a good man, Okazaki-san; I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable."

"Don't worry about it," I said as I worked on pulling my stomach back up to where it belonged.

We finished up our cones at about the same time, and she pulled out what looked like wet napkins from her bag, offering me one. "So, are you going to marry that nice purple-haired girl?" she asked, and I could hear resignation in her voice.

"You know, it seems like everyone's been asking me that lately," I complained as I accepted the wipe. "I don't know, Fuuko; at this point, I'm not even sure who I am."

"A lot happened that Saturday," she said, and I figured she was referring to my counseling session. "Fuuko thinks that Hiiragi-san would be good for Okazaki-san."

I was starting to feel a little dizzy from her rapid switches from normal grammar to 'Fuuko-speak'. "I'm sure she'd appreciate the vote of confidence."

"Are you done?" she asked as she got to her feet, and I quickly followed suit. "She'll be home to make dinner for you, right?"

"How did you…? Right, the lunch," I said, remembering that she had talked with Mika at the lunch following my session. "She told you about that, huh?"

"Yeah," Fuuko replied, sounding somewhat distracted as we walked. "She was so happy to be able to help you; even if she hadn't said she loved you at the session, I could just…tell."

"She hasn't been very subtle about it," I said, feeling like I'd had a similar conversation before.

"Yeah," she repeated, shifting her gaze to the ground before us.

We walked in silence for several minutes; I didn't know the way to her place, but I figured I'd follow her until she got sick of me or something.

"I'll go home from here," she said, pointing to our right as we approached an intersection. "I live down that way, but you don't need to walk me home."

"If you're sure…" I objected politely.

She looked up at me with a smile tinged with resignation. "Thank you, but…" It could have been my imagination, but it seemed like she stood up straighter as she took a deep breath. "Good luck with Hiiragi-san."

With the way the weekend had been going, I had a pretty good idea what she was talking about. "We'll…see what happens, thanks," I replied, trying to keep things as neutral as possible.

She nodded once before turning and heading down the street, away from me.

I watched her for a bit before turning my attention to my surroundings. "Now, where is my place from here…?"

"Make sure to send Shio-chan over every once in a while!" I looked back to find Fuuko cupping her mouth with her hands, then she waved with a huge smile before turning and hurrying back down the road.

I smiled as I lowered my arm from returning her wave...and started back, retracing my steps back to the ice cream shop to try to find my way home.

I sighed in relief as my apartment finally came into sight. It had taken me almost an hour to find familiar territory, and I was more than a little tired. I headed up to the front door and unlocked it, and was pleasantly surprised to find that the lock turned easily. Quietly, too. I figured that the landlord had fixed it while I was gone as I entered my home and switched out my shoes. I then headed to the living room. "I'm ho-"

What caused me to cut off my greeting was the sight of Mika, kneeling with her hands folded before the small shrine for Nagisa that Ushio and I had set up years ago. I then realized that I could hear her talking, albeit faintly: "…I'm sorry…take good care of… him…me strength…"

I was touched that she would honor my late wife in such a way. How long had she been doing this? Was that why she'd want to come early, while I was still at work? I backed into the entryway and scuffed my feet on the floor a couple of times and, sure enough, I heard her scrambling to her feet. I quickly reached down and pretended to pull one of my shoes on just before she came into view. "Good evening, Okazaki-sama!" she greeted with her usual smile and accompanying bow. "I didn't hear you come in."

"Yeah, the landlord must have replaced the lock or something," I said as I turned the bolt in the door…to the sound of screeching. "What the…?"

"You must have had the magic touch," I heard her quip as I turned the bolt several times, hearing the awful screech each time.

"Yeah," I chuckled, "maybe it was ma…gic…?" I trailed off as a flash of intuition brought Pastor Jeff's face to mind; was I supposed to hear Mika's prayer? "It…could be," I added, suddenly feeling vulnerable.

"Are you okay?" I heard her ask as I felt a comforting hand on my back. "Oh wow, you feel tense. Go and have a seat and I'll bring you some calming tea."

"S-Sure…" I managed as I headed over to the kotatsu; truth be told, the feeling of her hand on my back was comforting in and of itself. Or really, the heart behind that hand.

"The kettle's already warm, so this shouldn't take long," she called from the kitchen.

"Okay, thank you. Hey, is Ushio home yet?"

"Not yet," she replied. "Do you know where she is? I was a little worried when I had to let myself in."

I got up and headed to the entryway to the kitchen to make conversation easier. "The last I knew, she was over at her grandpa and grandma's place."

"The Furukawas?"

"Yeah," I replied, feeling another twinge of guilt from my morning activities. "Hey, uh…sorry about this morning. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she said, but it looked like she was pushing herself a little. "I was more worried about you; you seemed really upset."

"I was," I admitted, "but I talked to Pastor Jeff and he helped me sort things out."

"That's good," she said, sounding more relaxed. "The, uh, tea should be ready in a couple of minutes."

"Okay." I headed back to the kotatsu and settled in again. As I waited I felt that…swelling feeling in my chest, like my heart was being somehow filled. It made me nervous, so I worked on beating it back down.

"You have to tell it 'no', Tomoya-san…"

I gasped as Pastor Jeff's words from earlier came back to me; was this what I was supposed to fight? Was this part of my 'agreement with Satan' as he called it? It was worth a try, so I took a deep breath and focused on the anxiety: "No."

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Mika called from the kitchen.

"Just talking to myself," I ground out, still focused on my mortal enemy. "I'm fine."

"Okay." She came out into the living room with a couple of steaming mugs and set one before me. "Oops, not that one," she said, quickly switching the mugs. "I don't think caffeine would be good for you right now."

"You're probably right," I chuckled as I gratefully accepted what I hoped was the correct mug. I took a sip and recognized the familiar sensation of chamomile. "Yeah, that's the one," I grunted as I felt the tea start to do its job. "Thanks."

She had her mug to her mouth so she couldn't answer, but she smiled around her sip of tea.

I returned her smile, then closed my eyes and let the scent of the tea work its miracle as I took another sip. I also worked on internally telling my anxiety 'no' over and over again, interested in what would happen.

I nearly threw the mug, however, when I felt a gentle grip on each of my shoulders. "It's okay," I heard Mika say soothingly, her voice barely above a whisper. "Let me…help you relax."

I internally fought it but ultimately relented, cursing my lack of spine yet again as I put my mug down and prepared myself for some awkward tender loving care. "All right; I'm as ready as I can be." She didn't respond, but started kneading my shoulders; it almost felt like a cat…minus the claws, of course. "Hey, that's nice," I intoned, feeling a little foggy.

"I'm glad you like it," she said, then pressed what felt like one of her knuckles into a tight section of muscle.

As she worked, I focused on my breathing; in and out, in and out…

I suddenly started to panic as that 'filling' feeling started again. "I…I'm sorry, Mika; could you stop, please?"

"Why?" she asked, sounding worried. "Did I hurt you?"

"No… No, it's not that," I said, wriggling my shoulders to get her to release them. "It's not your fault; it's something I've been dealing with."

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked as she moved back to her seat. "I…I'm here for you."

Another twinge in my chest. "Stop that," I grunted.

"Stop what?" Her expression was a mix of confusion and concern.

"Just…" I rubbed roughly at my head; the 'filling' feeling was getting stronger, and I was starting to feel like I was suffocating. "Just…stop. Please."

"Okazaki-sama?" Her voice had turned pleading. "What's the matter?"

I sighed internally as I massaged my temples. "I just…" Oh, the hell with it. "When I talked with Jeff this morning, he…suggested that I have a hard time accepting good things because they've always been taken from me."

"Like your wife…" she breathed, her eyes losing focus.

"And my mom, and my shoulder," I added. "He said that it's a lie that I've accepted and that I need to tell it 'no'. That's what I was doing when I was talking to myself," I finished, feeling my face start to burn.

"But…that's so sad!" she exclaimed tearfully. "I know you've lost people dear to you, but to deny yourself happiness because of that…"

"That's what I'm working through," I said simply. "So every time someone does something nice for me or someone like you comes into my life and is good to me…" I gestured, unable to finish my thought.

"You expect something bad to happen to me…" she murmured with a look of despair. "I had no idea…"

"So I'm a mess right now, and not ready for any kind of relationship," I declared.

"I'm so sorry," she said as she rested a hand on mine.

I winced as I felt that 'filling' sensation again, and I pulled my hand out from under hers. "I'm…going to go lay down for a bit."

"O-Okay."

I gave what I hoped was a reassuring smile as I got to my feet and headed toward the hallway. "Thanks again for the tea," I said over my shoulder as I left.

"T-Tomoya-sama….?"

"Yes?" I said as I turned…only to be nearly tackled by her, her arms wrapping around my middle as I had to take few stumbling steps back. "M-Mika! What are you doing?!" She said nothing, but held me in an embrace, and I could feel that wonderfully awful feeling in my chest again. "Mika! Let go of me!"

No response.

I was starting to panic, and I actually had to hold myself back from attacking her. "NO!" I yelled. "Please! Let go of me! I don't want to hurt you!"

Still no response.

I tried to work my arms under hers to pry her off me, but I felt her fingers link behind me, and for an insane moment I could see my heart drawn as a meter, filling as she hung on to me. "Dammit, Mika! I don't want to feel good! I'm not supposed to feel good! Let go, damn you!"

She still didn't say anything, but I thought I heard her start to cry.

I felt sick to my stomach as my panic took over, and my hands seemed to clench on their own to smash down on the girl's back, only to be completely ineffective as the strength had left my arms. "Mika…please…" I felt my knees weaken as she changed her hold, sliding her hands up my back. "AH! AAUUUGGHHH!" It felt like years of pain and anguish left my body with every panicked yell as I dropped to the floor, Mika somehow keeping her arms around me.

"Tomoya…" I barely hard my name through my distress and her shuddering tears.

I gasped at the almost-physical sensation of my heart being filled completely, and it overflowed through my eyes as I wrapped my arms around her, crying tears of confused and terrified relief.