Chapter 18- Cue The Comeback Montage
Hello there! Author stepping in to check in, see how everyone is surviving? Also, a little note specifically about this chapter. You know those fun little montages that are in all great shows and movies?! Where you see the main character have a progression of things. They start off nervous or not doing very well at something and then by the end are fabulous and thriving?! Well, that's what's happening in this chapter. Jay Halstead is getting ready for a little montage moment. Each break is not exactly a different day, but rather a different landing point for progress to spring off of. You'll see as we go along. This is happening over many days and weeks while he's going through the process of the chemo pills and radiation. The final part will tell you how long it's been since surgery day. Okay, back to the story! Just didn't want to confuse anyone. Here we go!
"Thanks so much for meeting with me over a FaceTime call," Amelia greeted, casually laughing as Jay was still trying to get the phone situated on the counter. He was attempting to rest his phone against an empty pitcher that was currently being used for display purposes in the kitchen. Sighing aloud he was internally thinking they needed some kind of phone setup in the kitchen to where he didn't have to do this whacky arranging of things. It was 2022 after all, surely there was some kind of phone charging station or resting pod that was designed for these calls whilst working.
"Sorry," he mumbled as he finally got things complete, slowly backing away while mentally telling the phone and pitcher to remain in it's place. He was finally relaxed when he took a seat on a barstool, pulling himself in closer as he downed the first gulp of his breakfast smoothie.
"Not a problem! Thanks again for meeting me like this. I knew you wanted the results but figured you didn't want to trek all the way out here." Jay shrugged, setting the drink down and picking up his breakfast before taking a bite.
"Hey, we're in pandemic times. This is second nature at this point."
"Yeah, very true. What are you eating," Amelia jokingly yet seriously asked. She was amazed at how much he was consuming for a single meal.
"Sorry," Jay spoke through a swallow.
"It's peanut butter and Nutella on toast."
"And a smoothie?!" Jay nodded, clearing his throat before continuing.
"I guess my appetite has finally come back."
"I would agree! And I like to see that." Jay nodded once more, sipping on the cup of coffee resting next to the smoothie as Amelia began the rundown of the scans he'd completed last Friday. That was another all day event, having to be put under a mild sedative before getting scanned for a couple hours. On top of that he got more blood work, more cognitive tests and thorough breakdowns of his drug regime and how they could change things. They'd reached the end of his chemo pills and were getting the latest update on things before starting radiation in the next week or so. All weekend he'd been resting as a result of the marathon Friday. Today was the first day he woke up before noon. Jay surprising himself that it was just after 10am and he was fully dressed and ready for the day and eating.
"So the scans are actually looking really great. The pills did their thing and you're down to about one percent of tumor remaining. Radiation is still going to be about one round, which is five sessions for a full week. The EEG is still showing the epilepsy but I think were at a level of confidence now that it's effecting those areas of the brain that were impacted by the tumor. So with that we can really tailor the drugs to be exactly what you need. Still need to wear the bracelet. Still have to have the emergency stash on hand. I know you mentioned the one a couple weeks ago when you were home alone. As scary as that is I did like that after taking the emergency pill things did settle down. Have you had anymore of the partial ones since we last documented?"
"Yeah, I had one yesterday when I woke up. Hailey said it lasted a little over two minutes but ended on it's own."
"Okay, good! At least it was only one in a couple days. That's good! The drugs are going to take a few weeks before you really start to feel the effects and see true improvement."
"What about the exhaustion and just sluggish feelings?" Amelia shrugged her shoulders, throwing up a quick hand before she spoke.
"Unfortunately that's just apart of these. It's suppressing your brain function and electric activity. It's just something that'll always be there. I will say that people report getting used to it. Some days you'll feel fine, other days you'll probably need a nap or to just rest for a couple hours. It's not fun but…it's better than having major seizures and being stuck in the hospital."
"Agreed," Jay spoke with his mouth full, which made Amelia smile and laugh a little before moving on.
"So, we're gunna switch a couple things around. I'm adding another long term drug that targets those partial seizure episodes and then adding another emergency one. This is a nasal spray that you do only when you think one is coming on. Or, if you're going out and you expect to come across a situation that may trigger things. The dissolvable pill you'll still take with you in the event a full seizure episode happens, but this is hopefully going to prevent that. Or at the very least, avoid a major episode." Jay nodded as Amelia continued on.
"I will call those into your pharmacy and please pick them up as soon as they are ready. I'd love for you to start this new round of stuff tonight so we can update things in four weeks."
"Okay! I can walk there right?"
"As long as you don't drive and it's not a horrible walk then yes, you are more than welcome to get some cardio to the pharmacy." And that was when a little lightbulb popped into Jay's mind. Something he'd oddly enough been dying to ask. He hadn't thought of it in weeks, perhaps months even. But this morning when he got up he actually had a desire for it.
"What about working out?" Amelia's face perked up at that one, nodding rather vigorously before she spoke.
"Yes! What about it?"
"When can I start working out again?"
"You could right now! The bone flap is fully healed by now. I would say just start light. Don't be running marathons just yet but some walking around, light cardio, nothing too intense just yet. You want to get that heart rate up but let's not be doing anything that'll induce pain or a seizure. You know what kind of exercise I'm talking about."
"So a half marathon would be okay," Jay teased? Amelia rolled her eyes as Jay laughed.
"Your brother warned me that you like to push buttons and now I'm getting it. NO HALF MARATHONS! A jog around the block would be perfect. But a light one. No full out sprints. You are still healing, Jay. Let's not have a huge setback right now."
"I mean, I wasn't planning on doing a sprint session today…only because it just snowed and they haven't cleared the sidewalks yet."
"Jay I mean it. I can find out where you live and politely smack you," Amelia fired back as Jay chuckled some more.
"Fine, fine. I promise no running hard or deadlifting 250."
"I'm going to hold you to it."
"On my life, I will go easy," Jay spoke while holding up two fingers squished together.
"Okay! Well I'm gunna call those meds in and we'll chat again in four weeks…unless something happens before then."
"Well let's hope it doesn't."
"Agreed. Well, thank you again for doing this and have a restful day. Restful, Jay."
"Yeah yeah," he sighed, waving to his surgeon now turned seizure doctor. Part of him was glad Amelia wasn't leaving the story of his life just yet. They just clicked and honestly, not having her around would've sucked. If there's one good thing to come out of his epilepsy diagnosis, it was that the savior of his story wasn't releasing him from her grasp just yet…or anytime soon it appeared. Soon their screens went back to their phone backgrounds, the call ending just like that. While Amelia went back to her everyday activities of chaos and battling the many great and tragic brain tumors of the world, Jay was left alone in a very silent, still, empty apartment. He finished his breakfast in utter silence, the place quiet enough to where he could hear his stomach gurgling in happiness of being fed. He'd really picked up the eating over the last couple days. His best estimate, because he didn't weigh himself before the bottom fell out in his life, was that he'd lost a little over twenty pounds in both weight and muscle since the start of this whole brain tumor journey. Between the inability to get out of bed from headaches and just recovering from major brain surgery, his activity levels shrunk to record lows while his caloric intake was barely above survival. The tube feeds and liquid diet he was on for a good week after surgery probably where the biggest chunk of where his weight was lost. Over the last week he'd been really trying to boost the calories, downing shakes and smoothies whenever he felt hungry and making sure to eat three solid meals. So weight wise he was making a comeback, but on top of that he had to start building the muscle back. There was no point in gaining twenty pounds of fat and not trying to add muscle alongside it. But the question of what to do lingered in Jay's mind as he cleaned up his mess. Rinsing dishes and placing them in the dishwasher, he was trying to go back to his indoor routine. He did ten intervals of cardio workouts, varying in activity but targeting all parts of the body. He started with the hardest and ended with the easiest, never having breaks in between things. The whole thing usually lasted an hour and by the end he was human Jello. It seemed easy on paper, but doing it in sequence was rather difficult but even more rewarding. But what he did was the biggest question. Funny, after going through major brain surgery the only thing that seemed to not stick was the cardio routine. Weird how the brain works sometimes.
Once the kitchen was back to clean and sterile status did Jay turn off the kitchen lights, standing in the doorway for a moment to try and remember things, while simultaneously trying to talk himself into doing something. It never came to him. Sighing, Jay turned back to the living room, plopping himself onto the couch, sitting in absolute silence while still trying to grasp at something that felt to never be coming to him.
"Ugh, this sucks," Jay spoke to absolutely no one as he rested his head on the back of the couch, closing his eyes as he breathed through the frustration. He was instructed to conduct breathing exercises whenever he got frustrated. Because stress would spike his blood pressure and heart rate and being in the experimental stage of handling the epilepsy, there was fear that that was another trigger of the seizure episodes. He couldn't help but laugh at the image of him hiding in a corner of a crime scene, closed eyes and deep breathing the issues away. It was never gunna happen. But in this moment of being alone, at home, once more, he had to do what was told. Five minutes later he was bored of the couch, rising from his seat and going to the bedroom. Flopping onto the bed he figured a little nap would help things. Resting before working out, that was something no one did ever. Jay just about crawled to his side of the bed, curling up before rolling to the non-surgery side and closing his eyes. Even though they were way past the point of him avoiding to lay on his left side, there was part of him that wasn't ready for it. Sure, he knew it was all healed, but there was still that fear of messing things up, causing more damage to an already sensitive part of him. He was just in the early stages of sleep when his phone buzzed on the bedside table. So much for a morning nap. Groaning in annoyance Jay lifted his head to see who it was, sighing a little in sadness at his reaction. He'd promised to call Hailey after the appointment with Amelia and not surprisingly, forgot.
"Hey," he answered while sitting up in bed. He did his best to hide the fact he was almost asleep when she called, but his attempts weren't enough.
"Sorry, did I wake you up?"
"No, no no. I was just hanging around."
"Jay, I know your tired voice. Remember?"
"Okay fine. I was just laying in bed. But seriously it's fine." He heard road noise in her background, figuring she was on her way to a scene or just getting back from one. He didn't hear talking so either she was alone or the other person was being extra quiet. God, he missed being out there more than anything. He'd let them take half his brain if it meant he could get back out there tomorrow.
"Where are you," he asked?
"Oh, we're on our way back to the district. Another OD case."
"Isn't that the third one in two days?"
"Yes, and you're not supposed to be keeping track of that," she teased.
"No work talk just yet," she reminded.
"I know, I know," he reassured. And thus the reason he and Trudy were keeping things under wraps. He knew that if either she or Will caught any kind of whisper about him trying to come back they'd ship him off to some long-term recovery ward.
"But enough about that. How did the appointment go?"
"It went fine. We're switching out a couple meds and getting new ones called in. I'm gunna walk to CVS later when the stuff is ready."
"I can go! I don't mind at all Jay. Plus I don't want you slipping on the ice out there."
"Hailey, I appreciate it but I can do it. I can't be stuck in here all day." He could hear the quiet sigh on the other side, the refusal to let him go and live in the danger zone of life. But she knew she had to at some point. Might as well do it in baby steps. CVS was three blocks away. Surely nothing bad would happen in such a small square footage.
"Okay. But just be careful, please."
"I will."
"Promise."
"Hailey! I promise. You've gotta trust me." He could hear the eye roll on the other side, chuckling as he heard her groan in annoyance.
"Yes, because you do everything by the book and do exactly what others say." Now he was laughing.
"I love you. Go back to work and you be careful out there."
"I will. Love you too. See you when I get home. Bye!" She hung up before Jay could answer back, Jay figuring it was her pulling in and having to run. He placed the phone back on the bedside table, rolling to his back and just staring up at the ceiling. He was so beyond bored he didn't want to take a nap now. He didn't want to watch TV. There was no way he was reading a book. He was over being stuck inside. But alas, CVS had yet to call and there was no way he was going to get ready for below freezing temperatures twice.
"Oh wait," he thought aloud, sitting up in bed as he knew everything all at once. Without hesitation he got up, walked out of the bedroom, went across the apartment to the guest bedroom, and opened the closet doors. There, resting under boxes and other pointless things they threw in the closet they had no point for, was his set of weights and a yoga mat. He bought them way back at the beginning of the pandemic, when the gym had been shut down and he had to resort to working out in a very cramped living room. Desperate times called for desperate measures. He used the set exactly once before concluding that walks around the block were sufficient for the duration of the great shutdown. Collecting the set of weights was a surprising challenge for Jay, taking him a little off guard while also allowing him to only just begin to comprehend the damage of sitting around at home and in a hospital for weeks and months. He carried everything to the living room, rolled out the yoga mat, before pushing small furniture away and lingering shoes and bags to create a decent workout space. He was gunna need all the space for his planks, lunges, burpees, and whatever other fun workout names would come his way. He was quick to change out of his joggers and hoodie into guy leggings, shorts, and a long sleeved thermal Under Armor shirt. Yes, he had guy leggings and wasn't afraid to wear them out of the house. Going barefoot he walked back to his workout space, sat on the mat, and began searching for workout routines on YouTube. If he couldn't remember what he did way back when, then YouTube would have to do. He found one by a guy that claimed to be a full body, thirty minute workout. Thirty minutes. That wouldn't be hard for him at all right?!
"Welcome back viewers! Remember to like and comment on this video so we can boost those view counts and the YouTube algorithm," the overly buff, high school jock looking guy practically yelled at Jay from the TV.
"Whatever jerk," Jay muttered under his breath as he impatiently waited for the dude to get things going. He was ready, arms out by his sides and legs spaced shoulder length apart. He remembered that much from the gym days.
"Alright, let's get swole." Jay rolled his eyes. This was going to be torture.
"Let's begin with a one minute plank. If you have a mat, get on it and start out on your stomach. On the count of three get up to your elbows, lifting to where you're on your toes and the balls of your feet.
"Yeah, we know," Jay very cockily spoke, doing what the guy was explaining and already in plank mode before the YouTube genius got things going.
"1…2…3, here we go! Feel those abs lighting up. That's what we want. You want those six pack abs?! This is what it takes. Push through the pain, breathe through the frustration. You got this," the buff dude yelled at the TV. Jay made it through the first one, barely. His body flopping in sweat by the end of the first sixty seconds. He made it about thirty seconds into the second one before collapsing under the weakness of his core, his whole body shaking as the guy kept the exercise rolling right along. Jay moaned in frustration over his current strength predicament. He could not get up and keep going. His head pounding the duration of the video. He breathed hard through closed eyes, out of breath and barely having the energy to sit himself back into a normal resting spot. He brushed a hand over the top of his head in an effort to wipe the sweat away. He was now to a full head of peach fuzz. It was as dark as it always was, but very fine hair. The good news was that it was all over his head, finally. While it appeared the tumor took a lot more out of him than he ever anticipated, at least his exterior appearance was coming back strong and normal. The days of looking like a cue ball were behind him, at last.
"Well, at least I finally found something to do," he spoke to the apartment as the video rolled along. He'd found his starting point. Time to cue the comeback music.
…
Insert the Rocky theme song. No, seriously. Insert it. Because that's exactly what Jay did. His phone was blaring the song, the trumpets blasting their universally recognized tune into the bedroom. Jay moaned in annoyance at himself for choosing it as his alarm. In a half awake state last night he thought that would be the thing that got him out of bed, ready to take on the day and get a solid workout in right away. But alas, as he fumbled for the phone with his head buried in his pillow, the only thing he felt like doing was chucking the phone across the room, pulling the sheets up over his head, and attempting to wake up in a few hours. Only when the music finally ceased did he move any part of himself, which in this case was to roll over and feel the very empty side of the bed next to him. Apparently his quick workout and walk to CVS and back was enough to keep him out completely overnight. Prior to yesterday's workout adventure, Jay would wake up with Hailey, the two of them spending a few minutes together before she sailed off to work, leaving Jay to go back to sleep and wake up mid-morning to begin his days of doing absolutely nothing. Jay opened his eyes, lifted his head from the pillow to not only confirm her side of the bed was person-less, but it had been made up, pillows sorted upright and blankets and sheets folded down and tucked away. He really had missed her leaving that morning.
"Alright, let's do this," he encouraged himself, rolling to his left so as to get himself out of bed. Landing on his feet Jay sighed, doing his usual routine of flexing fingers, toes, legs and arms to confirm that those were indeed still working. From there he stretched his arms out wide, feeling his joints ache and crack to welcome in whatever the day had in store. From there it was a quick swallowing of daily meds and contemplating what he was going to do that day to fill the hours. The last step was to close his eyes, breathe quietly and steadily before lifting himself up out of bed. Having gone through a lengthy period of time where he couldn't get out of bed without assistance, he was truly enjoying the small pleasure of commanding himself to stand and being able to do so. Rocking back on his heels a little to steady himself, Jay turned around to finish the bed making task, tucking everything in nicely before standing back and admitting that things would do. They weren't exactly photoshoot ready, but it would pass for an ordinary day's bed making checklist.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, the drive to get a good morning sweat in flooded his system. He was giddy to get into the closet, grab another workout look and don it before racing to the guest bedroom to unearth his lightly used workout gear. He completed the task in under five minutes, soon padding his way across the apartment to gather his stuff. The weights were laid out in their little make shift space behind the couch, as they were the previous day, before the yoga mat was rolled out perpendicular to the weight station. From there it was a matter of scrolling back through his YouTube search history and selecting his favorite pain in the ass, rolling his eyes as the royalty free track started playing.
"Welcome back viewers!"
"Yeah, yeah," Jay graveled under his breath, already getting into the plank position and waiting for the cue to begin. It came a minute later, after the guy pleaded for people to appease to his YouTube algorithm addiction. The countdown began just as Jay got up on the tips of his toes and rested comfortably on his elbows. He was going to get that first plank in if that was the only thing he did today. Which he did rather effortlessly. The quick break in between planks went far better than the previous day, Jay actually excited to go again, and again, and then before he knew it they were diving into burpees. Jay was a swamped sweat rat by the time they got to the light weights part of the cardio, but he'd made huge progress from the day before. Once again, he sat watching the final minutes of the workout, but was beaming in immense pride as he realized he'd doubled his cardio load in just one day. Granted, his head was pounding, hearing his elevated heart rate loudly in his ears as he breathed things back down to calmer ranges. But regardless, he was doing it. Jay paused the video, feeling his arms quiver from the muscles twitching due to the strain they hadn't felt in months, his legs that welcoming sensation of Jello as they were pushed to limits unattempted in a very long time. His lungs burned, his whole body on the verge of collapsing, but the endorphins and adrenaline of doing something and pushing himself to try new, hard things was exactly why he got up this morning. He did a couple rounds of weight training before calling it a morning, the kitchen his final destination. He was convinced he smelled, but since it was just him here he really didn't care. He was coming back, he was walking down his yellow bricked road to freedom. Smoothie in hand and eggs cooking in the frying pan, his morning was feeling the most normal in quite some time.
…
He'd strapped the last of the ankle weight in place, getting up from his bent over state to make sure the weights weren't peaking out from under his joggers. He was trying to make the simple walk around the block a bit more strenuous than it already would be, but yet not drawing attention to the fact he was doing so. They were only five pounds each, but after a couple tenths of a mile he'd really feel the burn. Jay winced against the strain of his abdominal muscles, screaming at him to stop moving. He'd just finished the half hour of cardio, including completing all the one hundreds, an exercise where basically your entire core is holding you in place as you hold the position for one hundred seconds. It was a nightmare of an exercise and one that Mr. YouTube did while talking through things without breaking a sweat. That too used to be Jay and as he sat there dying over the maneuver, he vowed to get back to those times. So the simple bend over to his ankles actually took him a moment or two to collect himself. Jay looked up at the mirror by the front door, scratching an itch on his head through the beanie. By his standards he was still looking too thin and ghost-like, in desperate need of some sunlight and a good chunk of fat and muscle back on him. But, as he reminded himself for the millionth time, he was working on that. Fitting his AirPods to his ears, Jay made sure his Apple Watch was on the workout app and ready to record a steady walk. The watch was a gift from Hailey, saying that is Jay didn't want to wear a LifeAlert necklace than this was his only other choice. Furthermore, he had to keep his location on at all times. She knew she couldn't force Jay to stay inside at all hours of the day, nor did she want him to become a hermit in the apartment. So in the event he fell or suffered a seizure episode alone, the watch was set up to recognize when he fell or when things went bad, sending out calls for help while providing Jay's exact location. At first he wasn't fond of the idea of an Apple Watch. He was more for the classic look of a watch, never bothering to wear one while working out. But after using this Nike one for a week now, he was really starting to get attached to the thing. The amount of tracking it did and alerts it provided throughout the day, Jay really liked it. Also, he could make calls and even text while in the middle of something so that came in very handy. Once he got things set up, he escaped the warmth of the apartment and stepped out into the frigid temperatures of a Chicago winter. The bitter cold stinging his face as punishment for being out here, his thermal workout gear feeling like it wasn't doing it's job in the least. For a second or two Jay stood still on the sidewalk, contemplating if he should turn back around and return to the warmth. But he shook that off, he made the effort to get out here, he was going to complete his mission if it was the very last thing he did. Plus, his exercise clock was already going and he didn't want to shut it off right now. He had to record at least thirty minutes of continuous workout before things registered. So against the wind and snow kicking up into his eyes, Jay squinted against the bright morning sun and walked. One step at a time, heel to toe, he was going to get this walk around the block complete. His lungs were stinging extra hard, his breathing more labored than it should've been, only when his head started pounding more than it ever had during any kind of workout did he stop. Resting a hand on the building wall to his right, Jay closed his eyes, gritted his teeth as he breathed deep and hard through his mouth.
"I have to get this done. I have to make it around once and back," he forced himself. For crying out loud, he survived Army bootcamp in the depths of the South in the middle of July. Surely he could do this quick walk around the city block. But his mind reminded him that he was in his early twenties then, had been active prior to getting there, and wasn't recovering from major brain surgery while fighting a brain tumor.
"Nope, we're not going there," Jay spoke aloud, pushing himself off the wall and making himself begin to walk once more. He was not about to pity party himself out of this thing. He was going to finish this walk entirely and not think of the eight thousand ways to get out of it. And so each step was grueling, every turn a little milestone marker in his mind, and his feet feeling like they were wearing cement shoes, but Jay Halstead did the freaking thing. He raised his arms in victory as his watch ticked against his skin, telling him he'd done a whole mile in thirty minutes. Granted, that was an accomplishment that a great grandfather could do in less time, but for Jay that felt like he'd climbed Everest. He barely made it through the front door of the apartment before practically kicking the ankle weights off and collapsing onto the couch, allowing the tears of immense pride and joy to fall down his face as he breathed through the pain and struggle for air. He was doing it. He was coming back. He was getting life back quite literally one step at a time.
…
"Well you look like shit," Hailey snickered as Jay stood dumbfounded in the kitchen doorway. He was feeling it today. After yesterday's radiation treatment he was instructed to rest. Jay being Jay totally forgot that, choosing to both walk a full two miles in the freezing cold followed by forty-five minutes of cardio. He was every bit exhausted when he got up this morning, barely able to get his head off the pillow. There was absolutely no shot of him ever getting any kind of workout in. Hailey called in sick on Jay's behalf, leaving the two of them to get to the next radiation appointment followed by her nursing him back to a level of health where he could at least get up and go to the bathroom himself. Perhaps he pushed himself a little too far the previous day.
"Swear jar, " Jay muttered under his breath as he found an urge to move from his resting spot and to a chair at the kitchen table.
"No, swear jar was for you when the tumor was fully in tact."
"But, you said shit."
"And so did you." Jay smirked, rolling his eyes as he realized he walked himself right into that one. Hailey beamed a light ray of a smile his way as she gathered their big dinner of the day: mashed potatoes and meatloaf with green beans on the side. Her cooking skills had come a long way since Jay's diagnosis, to the point that Jay was actually liking the food she presented him. He waited just long enough for her to sit down before dishing out his portion, stacking the mashed potatoes high before taking not one, but two extra large pieces of meatloaf and crash landing them on his plate. He'd run out of room for the green beans, but fear not those were going to be consumed.
"Okay, I know that you've always had a huge appetite, but this is a new one even for you," she observed, trying to guess the weight of his plate as she placed human sized parts of the meal on her plate. She wasn't a light eater, but had plenty of plate space for all elements of the meal and was still able to see the design of the plate. Jay meanwhile had covered the whole square footage and then some. On top of going full horizontal he went very vertical. He shrugged as he swallowed a caveman sized bite of meatloaf.
"What?! I'm finally hungry again." Hailey wasn't buying it.
"Or, are you trying to bulk up for weight training? Jay," she inquired as he spooned out a section for the green beans when real estate became available.
"Hey, I need to gain the weight back and I don't think you want a pudgy fiancé right?!" Now she was the one rolling her eyes almost out of their sockets.
"Jay, I don't care what you look like."
"Yeah, but I don't want to look like that."
"What have you been doing all day long all by yourself?" Jay twirled his fork in his food, contemplating how far he go could with this without the lies being too much, or how close he could dance to things without revealing his true plan.
"You know, just walking around the block a couple times. Maybe doing a YouTube video or two…like what we did back at the beginning of 2020."
"Jay, I've noticed the staring in the mirror."
"I have not!"
"Yes you have," she jokingly gasped.
"I saw you yesterday staring at your abs in the mirror after the shower." Jay put his hands up in surrender. He'd been had…big time.
"Okay, fine…yes, I'm trying to get back in shape. Is that such a bad thing." Hailey sighed, downing a sip of wine before slowly shaking her head.
"No, but knowing you I know there's more to it. But from your lack of wanting to tell me I will go against my better judgement and leave you alone." Jay went back to shoveling food into his mouth, leaving Hailey to conduct the scan of her betrothed. He was certainly packing on the weight and muscle. It wasn't quite near what he was right before it all came to a crashing halt. But she was noticing the clothes starting to fit a little better, that he was looking more and more like himself as the days and weeks clicked off.
"I just don't want you getting hurt," she finally spoke up between the deep swallows. Jay was quick to look up at her, clear his mouth of food before attempting speech.
"I know. I talked to Amelia about it and she said it was fine as long as I made sure it wasn't too much."
"Well now I'm going to tell you the same thing: not too much at once. I mean it. I'm guessing today's energy setback was because you did too much."
"I might've walked a little after you dropped me off.."
"-Jay," she interrupted with a groan, throwing her head back as she tousled her hair in her hands.
"And..maybe done forty-five minutes of cardio."
"Jay Halstead," she exclaimed while lovingly smacking his arm. Jay fake winced as he laughed at her reaction.
"It's fine! I never had a seizure or anything."
"Ugh, you're hopeless. That isn't the point: getting just to the crest of a seizure." Jay sighed in hilarity, watching her settle back into her chair while shaking her head. He was never gunna go easy. He was never going to learn.
"But come on, I do look better than when I got home from Northwestern."
"Well yeah, you aren't on bed rest anymore and you look a lot more like a human being now."
"I'll take that as a compliment." She smirked a little, pulling her wine glass to her lips before speaking into the near empty cup.
"But you do actually look kind of hot," she giggled, like a high school girl talking to her crush. It appeared the wine was kicking in. Jay leaned onto his elbows, getting that twinkle of mischief in his eyes. He had to admit, it had been quite some time, and a whole heck of a lot happening between now and the last time.
"Well if you think this looks good in a shirt, do you want to see what else I've been working out?" It was the absolute worst cue line, but Hailey just went along with it. She flexed her eyebrows as she sipped the remainder of her wine, nodding as she put the glass down on the table.
"I think I do," she replied, pulling the cloth napkin off her lap as Jay took her hand, lifting her to his waist as she locked her legs around his thicker torso, the two of them connecting like they hadn't in months now. It started with deep breaths and kisses before Jay was running hands through her hair, locking on to her neck, collarbone, helping unbutton her shirt as they made it to the bedroom. One by one, article of clothing at a time, both were revealing things to the other, soon full skin to skin contact happening as Jay gently placed her on the bed before tracing her trigger points with his finger, lips, which sent to her pleasures she didn't realize she missed so much till just now.
"Jay…are you sure you're okay with this?!" She felt his head nod against her stomach, moaning in satisfaction. She allowed him fully in, allowing him the pleasure of the dance knowing he waited and struggled a good long time to get back to this part of existing. They rolled around on the bed, breathing in sync and pressing each other on. They both really needed this night, this moment. Because as vulnerable and intimate as the moment was, it was bringing things back to a normal they could live with. One of the more rewarding moments of the night was Hailey finally being able to run fingers along his head, smiling at the sensation of hair separating around her fingers. They were to small buzz cut stage. He wasn't to the point of being able to walk around without weird looks from those that knew him. But give it another month or so and the subtle waves of his dark hair would be back. But as he was going in rather hard, she stroked the back of his head, feeling the freshly healed marks where the burr holes took place. The fact they were healed sent her to knew levels of comfort and peace. They were healed, he was past it all. But in the moment she'd totally forgotten they were there. She gasped, tightening her body which made Jay suddenly stop, asking is she was okay as he collected his breath.
"What?! Did I hurt you?"
"No, did I hurt you?" Jay shook his head.
"No, I just got scared I guess," Hailey panted.
"Of what," he asked while landing on his stomach next to her on the bed. She reached over, feeling the healed incisions before he connected the dots.
"Hailey," Jay sighed, sitting up while helping her rise so the two of them were upright in the middle of the bed, facing each other head on.
"It's healed now. You aren't hurting me. It's past us, the whole thing. It's behind us." Hailey could only nod, feeling the tears starting to well up in her eyes before the burn of them trickled across her face as they ran free.
"Sorry, I'm so sorry." Jay pulled her in so he could hold her, feeling her body shake with so many emotions, he wasn't sure where things were going.
"It's over. It's all over," he whispered into her ear, still allowing her the quietness that she needed right then. This wasn't exactly how he imagined the rest of this little nighttime activity to go, but in all honesty it was exactly what they needed right then. Because after months of chaos, torture, and uncertainty, it almost felt like they were cheating life when good things like this came about. To be in the storm for so long, it felt like calm waters were either never going to come again or it would be something that was too far gone for them. After a good cry, and Jay exhausted from the night's little escapade, the two of them fell simultaneously back onto the pillows. Intertwined into one giant resting spot, they fell asleep arm in arm, cradled in peace, quiet, restful sleep. The dishes would be cleaned up and figured out in the morning.
…
Today was the day, his first official run since surgery. Jay was practically giddy when he got up that morning. Typically he started the day with cardio first, then went for the good walk with the ankle weights. But today he was shaking things up. The run had to happen, he had so much pent up energy that he couldn't make it through the indoor workout. Jay practically flew into the closet, gathered his running shoes, socks, and the double layers he had to wear when things were well below a good running temperature. Now he was catching himself staring at himself in the mirror, rolling his eyes at how spot on Hailey was about him. But how could he not admire the hard work paying off in front of him. His arms were finally starting to get some kind of definition to them, Jay noticing the small but present changes as he reached to get his workout clothes from a higher shelf. Pulling off his sleep shirt and putting on the Dri-Fit first layer, he was really starting to notice the abs regaining their old shape. It was nowhere near six pack or even rock hard and fitted like they once were, but the flatness and layer of fat that used to sit across his whole abdominal region was finding it's proper places as the muscle was starting to poke through. He wasn't at any kind of goal weight and muscle mass just yet, but just through the quick catches of himself in the mirror, he was making great strides in that direction. The thermal leggings were stretched across and up his legs before the thermal joggers were pulled over next, soon the final layer of a three quarter zip hoodie pulled over his head and fitted around his upper half just right. He ran a hand over his still growing hair, noting that the time had come to where he could use shampoo and conditioner again! The next big milestone was a hairbrush, but that would be here in no time. He found his extra thick beanie, putting it on before shutting off the closet light and heading for the living room. The next ten minutes were all about stretching his entire lower half out, doing breathing exercises and he readied his legs for the jog ahead. Soon he was nimble and flexible enough that putting his socks and shoes on was a breeze. The final step was to get the Apple Watch ready for the run, about to hit the green button to begin as he closed the apartment door behind him.
"And let's go," he quietly, yet confidently spoke to himself as he walked up to his unofficial starting point, smashing the green button and picking up his feet for the jog. At first he felt to be looking weird, seeing as he hadn't done the task in forever. What he was picturing in his mind was the perfect model for a Nike running ad, but in reality he figured he looked like an out of breath dog panting for air as his arms flailed about. But dear readers, we know that's not the case. He was ever amazed at how great he felt. Instead of running till his body gave out, or his lungs pleaded for him to slow down, he actually had to make himself slow down for a couple tenths of a mile before picking things back up. The world around him blurred after sometime, Jay in this extreme level of concentration as he tried to get as far as he could in the thirty minute window. He wanted so badly to get back to a point of running for miles, hours, but he promised two people now that he'd take it easy. He was actually sad when the watch chimed against his wrist, saying it was time to go home. His final leg of the jog back he full on sprinted, the final push to home.
During this full on sprint to the end, that night flashed across his mind. It was the first time ever that night, the one that got this whole ill-fated adventure in his life into gear, came back to him. He could never remember anything about that night, had no clue where in the city they were, who they were chasing after, that very fateful night was a dark void in his mind. But with every hard stride of a foot hitting the cold, concrete sidewalk, it all was flooding back. The pounding head, the flicker of the cigarette at the far end of his viewing post, yelling for everyone to flood in as he took off into the night's darkest points. As he touched the apartment's lobby door he seriously felt the grunt and switch go off in his mind, the epicenter of when everything hurt so bad that he fell into the throws of the seizure, having no clue that was the start of his new life. It was so real to him, feeling every bit of those emotions and physical reactions that for a split second Jay thought it was happening all over again. Wheezing a whole lot he stumbled through the front door, making sure to close the door before landing gently on the floor, still wheezing as he landed on his back, a fist resting on his forehead as he breathed through closed eyes. He remembers each step, felt the hard fall on the strangers front yard, Hailey's screaming of his name the final sound of that night. It was so real, it was flooding back so hard, Jay was now gasping for air between deep bouts of tears.
"No…no no…make…it stop," he gasped, fidgeting in his back pocket for the emergency pills. He couldn't tell if a seizure episode was coming on, but in the event it was he had to try and stop it. He just about choked on the dissolvable pills, reminded himself that when he wasn't in the process of dying that he needed some fluids pronto.
"Don't pass out. Don't pass out. Don't pass out," he gasped, mumbled, begged himself for the next five minutes while he waited for the drugs to do their thing. Funny how memories of your own life can kickstart panic attacks, potential seizure episodes, all kinds of delight physical reactions. What felt like a year later, Jay allowed himself to open his eyes, see the ceiling above him and sighed a massive amount of relief. It appeared the mental storm was behind him and calmness was back in his circle of life. How strange that that all happened, but Jay was beyond proud of himself in two ways. One, that he lived through that terrible night, only to live past several more nights and endure a plethora of hardship in many ways. But secondly, and perhaps more importantly, this was the first time he truly pushed himself and didn't end up in an emergency room. To this day he has not a clue if that was the beginnings of a seizure episode or panic attack, but the fact remained that he overcame it with the help of the drugs and his willpower. At last, here was an example of how the two became one and were victorious. Jay did finally get up off the floor, down a good thirty ounces of water before going through the process of setting up for cardio. Now that he wasn't dying, the show had to go on.
"Welcome back viewers two level two of full body cardio!" Jay smirked in pride as he lined things up, twisted his upper half a couple times, and was all set for the torture cardio session. And readers, did you catch that first part? Jay Halstead was already on level two. He was taking that bleach blonde YouTube twerp down.
…
"Happy four months!"
"Of what," Jay practically spit out between bites of hot dog.
"Seriously?! It's four months post surgery," Hailey laughed, taking a sip out of her to-go cup, watching Jay pound three SuperDawg hot dogs. At least, that's how many were left. He ordered four, and a side of onion rings, and a large Coke. Due to the celebratory nature of the day, the two of them decided that the time was right for date night, at last. Last night neither of them could remember the last time they went out for a technical date. Just the two of them, dressed up, alone, talking anything apart from work or life; just enjoying each other's company and time together. So Hailey managed to work out a time where she could be away from the office, Jay getting in his full hour of cardio and two mile jog before taking a nap in the afternoon so he could be present this evening. The two of them dressed weekend casual, as they liked to call it. Jay put on a pair of jeans, a fabulous navy blue bomber jacket and a white t-shirt underneath with a pair of Nike Air Max shoes to finish the look. Hailey was in her usual staples of a dark leather jacket, long sleeved T, dark jeans and a pair of nice boots. She looked every bit the cool, mysterious girl in high school while Jay was the perfect definition of jock. They were a fun little duo.
"Oh yeah," Jay spoke with a mouthful of bun and toppings, Hailey just rolling her eyes as she nibbled on the last of her hot dog.
"Where did you find this place," Jay asked, using his eyes to point out the location. SuperDawg was a very cool tribute to diner eating way back in the day. Everything was authentic to the 1950s: waiters on roller-skates, drive-up windows instead of a drive thru line, even the music playing on the speakers overhead each car stall was blaring 50s themed music out of speakers that sounded like they hadn't been updated since that time period. It was the perfect place for a date night when you're in high school, or you have sound limitations and didn't want your first date night out to be ending at an emergency room. In the event that Jay did suffer an epileptic episode, at least he was safe in the passenger seat of the truck with Hailey ready to drive him to Northwestern.
"Oh, I just googled best hot dogs in Chicago and this was the first option. It's cute, right?!" Jay nodded, swallowing a large gulp of Coke before digging into the onion rings.
"Yeah, I know we usually do Portillo's, but this is a nice option."
"Even if it's way out of the way," Hailey included.
"Yeah! I feel like we're out in the burbs."
"We kind of are actually," Hailey finished. The two of them finished their meal in quiet, doing the side eyeing of each other in passing. Hailey was just continuing to admire Jay's hard work. Head to toe it all had changed big time and for the better. Hair was finally to the point where he didn't have to wear a hat anymore, the dark, thick waves had just about come back in full glory, Hailey stopping herself many a time from reaching over and running her hand through it. You have no idea how much you miss something till it's totally gone, and gone completely for quite sometime. Continuing down he was just about back to his old weight. The muscle was going to still take some time, but you couldn't call him scrawny or lightweight anymore. Which speaking of muscle, he was popping out in places here and there. Like whenever he reached over and took a bite of food, she noted the muscle twitch in his forearms and shoulder. Furthermore his legs were quite toned and fitting into his old jeans perfectly. The baggy and hanging off the frame look was well behind him. She still didn't have a perfect picture of what he spent his days doing but whatever it was, was working. Jay meanwhile was trying to figure out why she kept looking at him, why she kept scanning him so often. He was trying to meet her stare with an equal and thorough stare back. Only when he'd finished his food did he finally inquire.
"What are you looking at?"
"Oh…just you," she sighed. Jay had to roll his eyes at that. That line was the epitome of cheesy and one he'd never heard her utter before.
"Wow, that was terrible." His laugh made her smile wide, rolling her eyes and snorting a little as she sat up in the driver's seat a little.
"But I mean it! You look good Jay. Thinking back to four months ago…if you'd have told me we'd be here, doing this at the four month marker, I don't think I'd have believed you."
"Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence," Jay joked, which earned him a loving slap on the arm.
"Jay, come on. You weren't even conscious, on a ventilator, and just had so much going on. And, let's not bring up the first night. Yeah, those were some really scary, dark times. So…I'm just super grateful that we're here. So thank you, for not quitting."
"Hey, I told you I would behave and that all would be fine."
"Wow, way to ruin the thank you," she teased. Jay leaned over to try and plant a kiss and Hailey was not going to leave him hanging. It was a quick peck on the lips, eyes closed and everything. Jay opened his eyes first, the spark of affection allowing his eyes to sparkle in happiness. Hailey smiled, the two of them pressing into each other's forehead for a moment before Jay spoke.
"Love you."
"Love you too, and seriously Jay. Thank you."
"Of course," he joked, which made Hailey pushed him away.
"God, you just can't take a compliment can you?" Jay shrugged his shoulders. He looked up at her while she eyed him once more, the two of them suddenly realizing there was some unspoken thing in the truck, some truth that was hanging around that needed to be addressed. Hailey just kept staring at him, nodding for him to begin, somehow knowing it was Jay that was keeping things. He tried his best to deflect it, but realized he wasn't winning this one.
"Hey, I guess now is a good time to tell you," Jay began. He extended his hand out, waiting for Hailey to grab on and she eventually did, perhaps a little groan slipped out of her as she did. This gesture never meant anything good.
"And I need you to not be upset," he continued. Now she was worried, or at the very least preparing for the worst. She nodded, sighed through closed eyes before opening them so Jay could continue.
"Trudy and I have been talking about me coming back…to work." Well, at least it wasn't that the tumor hadn't shrunk or that he had decided to move out. She quietly nodded, allowing him to continue.
"We haven't made any official plans yet, but we're trying to figure out how I can come back…and get back up to Intelligence."
"So that's why you've been working out and been really diligent about taking your meds," Hailey finally slipped out. Her tone was bordering on upset, heartbroken, worried, so many things with none of them being elated. Jay suspected this would happen, that whenever he imitated that call to head back into the world that he'd get pushback from both Hailey and Will. He understood why, but there was no way he was gunna sit at home the rest of his days. He had to get back out into the real world eventually. He wasn't going to be sheltered from the hurtful and unpredictable world forever.
"Hailey, we knew this was coming at some point."
"I know…I know…it's just…are you ready for that?"
"I think so. Trudy doesn't want me coming back while the tumor is still there, obviously." Hailey nodded, quietly agreeing with the sentiment.
"But Hailey, I can't be stuck at the apartment forever. We knew this was going to happen."
"I know, and I do want you to know I'm not mad. But Jay, what if something happens?"
"I will bring the meds with me. Plus I probably wouldn't be able to leave the office right away. It would be a process, baby steps really." Hailey nodded, looking out at the world in front of them for a moment while she contemplated the news. She knew he was right, that this moment was going to come at some point. But to her it felt too soon, that maybe in other couple months it would make more sense. But deep down she knew she was never going to be fully prepared for it. That even if it was a year later she'd still have trepidations about him getting back out into the real world with an ever looming threat of a seizure episode. But she also knew Jay and knew they couldn't keep him locked away in a safe zone forever. They were denying him happiness, sense of worth, and his true passion for all this time. At some point he had to be sprung free. So with that thought she eventually nodded, squeezing his hand as she spoke.
"Okay. I'm going to be scared out of my mind for weeks, but okay. If you feel like you can handle it, then I'm on board."
"Well, it's not going to be tomorrow. We won't decide anything till the scan and I get results and all that fun stuff." Hailey nodded, doing her best to look happy and at peace with the news, but she wasn't fooling Jay.
"Hailey, I promise I wouldn't be doing this if I felt I couldn't. It's going to take some time and it's going to be a process, but it's time. I think I've done my time and paid the price and gotten through all that I needed to. It's time to take life back, my life back." She nodded once more, letting go of his hand so she could stretch her arms out.
"Ugh, you know what? I think I'm too full to drive."
"What?!" He watched with worried eyes, growing larger by the second as she unbuckled her seatbelt, giving him a rather sinister wry smile as she opened the driver's door, motioning for him to get out as she closed the door.
"No, I've not been cleared to drive," he yelled through the window as she rounded to the passenger side door and opened it.
"Hailey! What if something happens," he practically pleaded as she opened the door, resting on the arm rest as she watched him squirm in fear and worry. She was loving this.
"Jay, I'm right here. It's a super easy drive home."
"But I haven't been cleared."
"Jay, we're both cops. If I'm telling you you can drive, you can drive home."
"Hailey, what if I have an episode while I'm driving?"
"Jay, you're going to be just fine. Did you not just tell me you're thinking of going back to work? How do you think you're going to get there each morning? I'm not being your chauffeur forever."
"But…I…"
"-Jay," she cut him off with.
"I'm in a giving mood right now. Let's not squash it. Now, get in that driver's seat." Jay huffed, and puffed, and looked around to make sure no one was seeing them jokingly fight before throwing his hands up in surrender.
"Fine, fine. But if anything happens.."
"-I know. I'm the one risking my life here by letting you drive. Let's not forget that," she teased. Jay got out, turned to let her in the passenger seat before closing her door for her before walking to his side of the truck. He had to admit he felt like he was dripping in sweat as he put his hand on the driver's side door, legs wobbling a little as he opened it and looked at the empty seat.
"Come on. It's going to be fine," she encouraged, smiling and giggling as he ever so slowly pushed the his seat preset button, watching the driver's seat roll back into his saved spot. Once it stopped he grabbed the steering wheel, using it to help him climb in, sit down, before closing the driver's door. Reaching over he pulled the seat belt across him, closing his eyes and breathing as he felt the steering wheel under his grip. It had been way too long since he did this, and what a delight this moment truly was.
"Jay, you're making this weird," she joked, which snapped him out of his bliss. He opened his eyes, cracked a tiny grin, before chuckling to himself as he hit the magic button that sent the truck roaring to life.
"You better have your seatbelt on," he advised as he put the truck in drive. He was careful till he reached the main road, just about flooring it when the road became a straight shot. Again, it had been way too long since he did this, felt the horses under the reign of his right foot. He had no other choice but to make up for lost time.