Chapter 6: A Blossoming Bud

Nadir was awoken late that morning by the sound of his front door. Confused, he rolled over and looked to his bedside alarm clock. The hands were unmoving. Nadir ran a hand over his beard. Light was in the curtains – half the morning wasted. Dressed in only a nightshirt, he lumbered out of bed in search of his overnight guest. The moment he entered the hallway, an envelope was thrust in his face.

"Take it," Erika said.

More than a little irritated, Nadir snatched the envelope. It was still cold from the outside. "Why did you tamper with my alarm?"

Erika unwrapped the scarf from her neck. "I didn't want you to talk me out of this."

"Out of what?"

"Open the envelope."

Nadir nudged past her and made his way to the kitchen drawers. Cutting the seal with a knife, he removed the single slip of paper contained within. The knife fell to the counter with a clang.

Erika stepped into the kitchen behind him, removing the large overcoat to reveal she hadn't bothered changing out of the nightshirt she'd been lent. A smirk played on her crooked lips. "You'll be needing it more than I."

In Nadir's hands was a signed banknote. He knew Erika was involved in some underhanded practices to get by but...the amount listed on that paper was beyond his expectations. "Erika..." he found his tongue, "I cannot accept this. This is stolen money."

"It is no such thing!" Erika said, aghast. "I've earned my wealth through honest means." She hung up the coat and wrapped herself in a quilt. "As honestly as possible, at least. Regardless, it's money I was due for my role in organizing each production. That note entitles you to half of my savings."

"Your name isn't on this."

"I wasn't going to put a woman's name on the account." Erika leaned against the pantry door, trying to take weight off her feet. "Take it. It's yours."

Nadir stared at the slip in his hands, reeling. "I...I don't...don't know how to thank you."

"Don't," Erika sighed, closing the quilt around her neck. "I do this for selfish reasons. I want to be certain you can take the child off my hands. And the first thing I recommend you use this for is buying a proper cradle."

Nadir carefully returned the note to the envelope, too stunned to speak. Then, without warning, he had his arms around Erika's shoulders, holding her as tightly as he dared.

Erika went rigid. "What are you doing?!"

"Giving thanks in a way you can't negate." He rested his forehead against her temple, catching the foggy scent of her hair.

Erika's hand twitched, reflex ready to shove him away; but after a few seconds wrapped in his embrace, her shoulders lowered and her body relaxed against the pantry. She said nothing.

Nadir released and gave her space. Remembering he was only in his nightwear, he walked to the parlor to throw a blanket over his shoulders as well. Erika followed, and heartily laughed when she saw the state they were in. Both dressed in nothing but nightshirts and wearing quilts as oversized capes like a pair of foolish children.

"Look at us," she chortled, "quite the pair of responsible adults."

Nadir dropped onto the loveseat with joints stiff from sleep. He made a frame with his hands and held it up to see Erika through. "If only the Shah could see his fearsome assassin now, eh?"

Erika laughed again at the thought and sat at the opposite end of the loveseat.. "Oh, I'm certain he'd be furious at the both of us." She clapped her hands together, a short wheeze of a cackle leaving her mouth. "By God, can you imagine his reaction if he knew his Angel of Death was with child? The child of a defector, for that matter!"

Their shared laughter filled the apartment. His, rich and booming. Hers, rolling and potent.

Nadir coughed away his laugh. "But, truly, Erika," he said, and cleared his throat of phlegm, "I cannot thank you enough. I've felt like a failure of a man, unable to provide for a life that I'm responsible for creating."

"I'm equally responsible, Nadir. Don't be so vain." Erika playfully prodded his shoulder. "We're both imbeciles, and we both made a very drunken mistake."

"I don't find any part of this a 'mistake'," Nadir said. "Call it a 'pleasant accident', because I know you won't call it a 'blessing'."

"You're right, I won't," Erika said, rolling her eyes. She picked up the book on childcare left on the coffee table, flipping through it once again to view the illustrations of little ones being tended to. The drawings of cherub-like children led her to wonder: what was it like to expect a healthy baby? Was it the cause of maternal love?

It must be. Her mother had loved her at one time. Erika knew that. She had been told so many times.

"I was the perfect mother," Charlotte sobbed. She sat in a heavy lump on the kitchen floor, a mostly finished bottle of wine in her hand. Erika could remember the messy updo of her mother's hair, half fallen and dangling in tangles of black over a cherry-red face. "I swear I was the most perfect goddamn mother! I did everything right, and you still came out wrong!"

Erika was huddled in the corner, just behind the woodburning stove. She was young – she couldn't remember what age – and that stove seemed like a barrier between her and her mother's drunken fury. She said nothing, just tried to press herself further against the wall. The burlap mask she was made to wear lay in a soggy mess of fibers beside the sink. Erika had accidentally destroyed it, trying to wash away a food stain, and Charlotte had caught her in the act.

Erika could remember the blood trickling from her hairline, where her head had been slammed against the side of the sink. If she felt for it now, she could feel the indented scar on the side of her head.

The glass bottle clinked against the floor as Charlotte swayed. She focused her bloodshot, tearful eyes on Erika in a hate-filled glare.

"I'm sorry, Maman," Erika peeped.

Charlotte spat at her. "If you're so sorry, then die already. Spare me. But, oh no! You continue to torment me. Fucking little devil!"

That was when Erika started sobbing, a little broken ball in the corner. The wine sloshed in the bottle as Charlotte took another long drink.

"I was the perfect mother," she murmured, almost incoherent. "I loved you so much for nine months...and then I had to see you."

"You were a good father, Nadir," Erika said. Her forefinger traced the sketched cheek of a swaddled infant on the page. "I've never met anyone so tender towards a child as you."

Nadir peered over her arm to see the pages. "All the tenderness in the world isn't enough, though. I gave everything and...and..."

Erika saw his hands start to tremble. Something in her chest fell to the soles of her feet.

Nadir's throat became pinched. "If I was a good father, why is Reza gone, Erika?" His voice rose barely above a whisper. "Why is he gone?"

Erika closed the book in her lap. She rested a hand over Nadir's anxious fingers. "Nature runs its course," she told him. "Reza's sickness was no more your fault than mine. You had enough of a heart to hire a merciful end to his pain, Nadir. That's how I know your second child will be in good hands. You won't let it suffer anything nature brings. Not even me."

Nadir was giving what she couldn't possibly give this babe: a parent who loved it – regardless of health or appearance. It wasn't even born yet, and Nadir was already going to lengths to ensure the babe's health and safety. That was a human decency Erika had never been afforded, and one she didn't know how to give. Slowly she began to tear up, these thoughts affecting her much more than they usually did.

"I can't be a mother. But, Nadir…because of you…this child won't be abandoned. It will be loved, very much so." Her eyes spilled over, and she quickly wiped her face with a corner of the quilt. "Damn it."

Nadir had only seen Erika weep once, and it was while she held his son's lifeless body in her arms. Then, he had pretended not to see. Her condition was known to cause fragile emotions; but it was such an unexpected sight, he wasn't sure how to react.

Timidly, his hand rose up and brushed the lingering tears away. He delighted in her touch. Days would pass between those brief, sweet moments when her cold balsa skin joined his warm mahogany.

Erika shuddered but didn't pull away as Nadir wiped away her tears with his thumb. His large hand cupped the cheek that practically wasn't there, and she felt the heat of his ring against the sensitive skin there. She looked in his eyes for a second, then kept her gaze downward.

"You have my word. The child's life will be nothing like you've known," Nadir said. He tilted her chin so she could better look him in the face. "It will be filled with love, and joy, and warmth. And, Erika, that is because we both could provide it."

Erika jerked back, wide-eyed. "N-no. No, I'm afraid that's impossible, my friend." Yes, she was undoubtedly having a child with him…but Erika knew motherhood did not await her.

She continued: "There is no possible way maternal love resides within me. Not...not when I've never known an example. And I know, I just know hatred will fill the place of love as soon as I see what curse I've bestowed upon the babe."

"Erika..."

"If this babe knew me, it would only know hatred." She gently cupped his cheek as well. "I can't allow that, Nadir. Please, think of me as your surrogate, not as the mother of your child. Because...that's what I can never be. You are capable and willing to love a child of mine, and that alone is a miracle."

Nadir took the hand that was touching his face, put it to his lips, and softly kissed it. "How can you say that? There is no one alive I would rather have a child with. At least now, my Erika, you understand it's another life under her heart, not some bargain."

Erika barely nodded. "...I do. However, our contract stands until the end. That is what we agreed upon."

Nadir offered a weary grin, cupping her hand in both of his. "Indeed. Is there anything your servant can do for you?"

"Yes," Erika's cheekbones had gradually turned rosy. "I want you to kiss me."

The Persian man beside her sat in stunned silence. "What?"

Erika ran her hand through her hair, pulling black strands loose – which she then tangled around her fingers. "There's no denying what we did. Yes, we were drunk, but…alcohol is a truth serum, is it not? Lowering inhibition, making it easier to pursue what one desires most. Nadir, I remember what you told me. Do you remember what I told you?"

I hate…I hate...that I love you.

Words echoed faintly in his mind, like the rustle of dying wind among withered leaves. Yet, deep in his heart, they pulsed so, so alive. Surreal, but alive; and he knew they were true, even if they were never spoken by her lips again.

Nadir held his large hands over her smaller one a bit tighter. "Yes, Erika. I remember."

"I want you to say it. Tell me again, while I'm sober and perfectly aware that it's true." Erika moved closer, but kept her gaze anywhere but on his face. "Don't tell me that I 'already know'. Obviously, I know. You've never been able to hide your secrets from me."

She ran a hand down her swollen midsection, the increasingly familiar flutters inside catching her attention. The most important thing in Nadir's world was growing and moving inside her, and she knew it. It would change everything, put up a barrier that would bar her dearest – and only – companion from her. His time, and his heart, would belong to this child.

"Please, just say it to me."

Out of all the words that could have been spoken, this…this…this was certainly not what the Persian had expected. Ah, Erika. His Erika. She truly never ceased to surprise.

Had a seer predicted this very moment in their crystal ball, Nadir would have laughed a cold, bitter laughter of disbelief and called them insane. Yet here she was before him, asking him to repeat what he admitted that one tender night.

Before Nadir's sharp instincts could react, skeletal arms wrapped around his body. Erika buried her face in his shoulder and without a second thought, he held the Mirage close to his firmly beating heart.

"I love you. I love you, Erika. With every tug of pulse in my soul, I love you."

Erika tightened her grip on him, her horrible excuse of a face pressed into his shoulder. At first, the only sounds she could utter were small, mewling whimpers that she hadn't made since she was a child. The frightened child, the Faceless Girl of the sideshows. The Angel of Death in Persia. The Angel of Music, the Mirage. The mercy killer of his first child, and now the carrier of his second. In that moment, all were meaningless. With him, she was Erika. Just Erika.

"I love you, too," she whispered, hoping he would hear her. "And I will. Until the day I die."

Nadir felt her tears soak through his nightshirt. He pulled the quilts from over her shoulders, wanting to be as close to her body as possible. He stroked her hair and kissed her temple over and over, all the while fighting not to join her in overwhelmed tears.

"Let's not cry, my sweet," he crooned in her ear. "This is a happy moment, is it not?"

Erika pulled her legs up, laying half-cradled in the crook of his arm. Her face was now wet with tears, and she didn't bother to dry them. "It should be."

"Why did you choose this moment, of all times?"

"Because I won't have you to myself forever," she said. "When your child is born, it's best I stay away." She blinked away fresh tears, realizing just what might have been if this horrible accident never occurred. "I want to pretend that we have a future, just for today. Please? Can we just pretend?"

Nadir's heart clenched, but as always, he smiled through it. "Do you still want me to kiss you?"

She nodded, managing to curl the intact corner of her lips up.

"Then I gladly will."

He reclined them back on the loveseat, his lips pressing over hers, until they lay side-by-side in each other's arms. Touch had a memory, it seemed, as every dream-like sensation from their drunken encounter returned in bright, sober detail. Erika brushed her hair aside, inviting him to trail his kisses to her collarbone. The thin cotton of their nightclothes left little to the imagination, which only encouraged them to kiss each piece of exposed flesh.

Erika's body was full of extra blood. She felt every touch in titillating detail. His wet lips teased her skin as if he knew how tender she had become. Well, perhaps he did. She giggled as his beard tickled her neck.

Nadir pulled away, leaning on his elbow beside her, admiring a task well done. Erika reached around his waist, caressing his back before slightly hiking his nightshirt up.

"Take me to the bedroom," she pleaded. "I want you."

"It's noon."

Erika huffed in frustration, adjusting her hips. "Remember our contract. As I say, when I say it." She let her hand wander over his hip and come to rest over his groin. His member was already becoming hard under the cotton. She pressed her hand down, teasing him with her fingers. Immediately he grunted and bucked into her pressure.

"Make love to me, my darling," she whispered into his ear.

Nadir's eyes glazed over with primal lust, as if those were the words he'd been waiting to hear. "Oh, you beautiful woman." He passionately kissed the side of her neck and helped her to stand.

Erika gripped the stack of pillows under her chest like a vice. The downy cushions were her anchor and support while Nadir was draped over her back. His heavy panting was right beside her ear. His large hands held her shoulders while he eagerly thrust into her again and again. Erika kept her thighs pressed together, increasing the penetration effect for them both.

Her breasts had heightened in sensitivity, and she brought his hands down to cup them – now possible due to their slight enlargement.

"Is this alright?" Nadir panted.

"Thrust downward a bit more," Erika responded.

Nadir forced himself to pause. He lifted himself higher on his knees, pulled out somewhat, and then began his pace again at this new angle.

"Ah!" Erika shuddered, her back arching for a second. "There!"

Nadir pressed a kiss to the nape of her neck, now going full force where she wanted. Her slick walls gripped him just as he remembered. He tried to control himself, not wanting to injure her or the baby. Just as well, he wanted to pleasure his beloved as much as possible.

Her legs were trembling. Her jaw hung agape, only letting strangled moans escape. She'd already had a small, silent climax and was desperate for a grand finale. The coil was tightening around her hips, her feet were lifting off the mattress.

He could tell she was about to reach her limit, but he was seconds away from his finish. "Are you...?" he inhaled an uneven breath. "Are..you...?"

"Yes!" Erika's tense body suddenly came loose, writhing between her lover and the pillows. A sharp, incoherent shout left her mouth – she almost didn't recognize it as her own.

Nadir draped his body over her spine, a long groan at the back of his throat as he released into her. His hips weakly thrust with each pump until there was no more to give.

The pair was left in a spent daze for a moment, until Erika tapped Nadir's leg. "Your weight is on me." They separated and lay sprawled on the mattress.

Erika tossed her discarded nightshirt off the bed, too hot to look at anything cotton. It was easy to become overheated in her state. Perhaps jostled, the child in her womb gave a surprisingly strong jab to her intestines. Erika winced and pressed a hand to her side.

"There is no doubt this child is yours," Erika said. "It insists on annoying me."

Nadir chuckled as he rolled onto his side. He pressed himself against her back, massaging her outer thigh. "Excellent, they have common sense."

The two shared a laugh. Nadir kissed her bare shoulder and moved his hand to her hip.

She could tell what Nadir wanted to do. It was what every father-to-be wanted: to feel his unborn child alive and kicking within the womb. With a sigh, Erika took his wrist and placed his hand over where the movement in her abdomen was strongest. It was awkward for her, but this was Nadir's right. It was his babe, after all. A child he was anticipating happily, as if he were expecting it with a blushing wife in a cottage up north – and not with a walking cadaver.

Nadir was silent as – for the first time – he felt the warm, tiny bud of life fluttering under his palm. He was enraptured. It was the first genuine sign of his little one's existence. They were real, and they were right there. His jade eyes glistened, an ecstatic smile on his face.

"Hello, sweet angel." He hadn't intended to say it aloud.

Erika snickered at him. "It can't hear you."

"They can. You'll see."

She ran her fingertips up his arm, feeling the coarse hair. "Could you accompany me home? I'll be needing some items if I'll be staying here until February. That is, if your offer still stands."

"It stands. Though," Nadir lavished her hollow cheek with kisses, "I'd prefer to stay right where I am for now."