Chapter 9: The First Time

Nadir bent and whispered into his son's ear. As he spoke, the infant's screams lowered into the most pitiful whimper Erika had heard. Nadir kissed his forehead several long times before straightening.

"What did you say?" Erika asked. Her voice was hoarse.

"An adhan," Nadir answered. "A call to prayer. It's what a father must do." He caressed his son's damp mop of hair. His entire palm fit over the supple, elongated head. "I told you he would remember my voice."

Watching him emerge into the world was the most terrifying and incredible event he'd witnessed. He'd feared Erika's hips were too narrow, too fragile. Yet, it appeared the early labor was a blessing in disguise. The child was small, noticeably thinner than Reza had been. Had he waited longer to make his arrival, there could have been trouble.

Pride overflowed his chest the longer he looked upon his son – who gave another unhappy cry and curled his body into a bean shape. "Thank you," he said softly, kissing Erika's temple. "Thank you. From the bottom of my soul, thank you."

"I...I don't know what to do," Erika said. She shifted the baby and felt a tug between her legs. They were still connected by the cord. "What should I do?"

"Rest," Nadir said, using the wet cloth to wash the sweat from her face and neck. "You've done your part. Leave everything else to me."

Nadir reached to take the infant, but to his ever-increasing surprise, Erika shrank from his touch.

"Not yet," she murmured. "Not until we're separated. Then, he's yours."

"I won't force him from you," Nadir said, lowering himself to her side. His thumb stroked her jutting cheekbone. "You may hold him as long as you wish." He grinned and pressed a tender kiss to her mouth. "I love you."

Erika could only nod with a pinched smile. Her renewed tears fell across Nadir's hand. The room felt surreal, as though she'd been consumed by a heavy fever. The weight of the newborn in her arms felt unnatural, like it still belonged in the cradle of her hips. Could giving birth be counted as losing a body part?

Color was coming into the babe's skin the more he cried air into his lungs. His hands had taken on a red hue, and it was spreading up his grey arms and into his face. Erika had never seen a person change color. A living person, at least.

Erika took a corner of the towel draped over the child and began cleaning him. She watched every twitch of his mottled face as she swiped womb wax from his nose and around his eyes. A part of her mind expected his features to start coming off on the linen.

Nadir gently took Erika's hand, stopping it. "Be mindful of his skin, love. He's delicate."

Erika paused to watch the baby boy stretch out his limbs, curious of all the new space. His small, black eyes struggled to blink open, but the sunlight through the curtains seemed too much for them.

"Take him," she said, setting the soiled towel aside. "Quickly. I don't want the first thing he sees to be me."

Nadir's hands made their first skin-to-skin contact with his babe. He almost fell again to weeping as, for the first time, he took the child in his arms. He seemed even smaller against Nadir's body. "Welcome, my little one. How long I've waited to see you."

Once again, the baby settled into quiet whimpering, curled up in Nadir's hold. An impossibly small hand gripped his shirt.

"You see?" Erika said. "Happier with you, even now."

"He's worn himself out," Nadir said, smiling down. "Birth is as hard on him as it is for you."

Erika felt the gush of blood down her legs before she saw it stain the sheets. She said nothing, just groaned in discomfort when her stomach cramped again. It felt especially sharp, now that her body was used up to nothing.

Nadir noticed the scarlet flow and, for a moment, his blissful smile vanished. The next second, he'd composed himself. "The afterbirth comes next," he said. "Blood is...expected."

"If you insist."

Taking the candle from the nightstand, Nadir allowed the flame to burn through the infant's cord. It created an odd odor, but cauterized the small length still attached. More important: it finally separated Erika from the child. At long, long last, her ordeal was over.

Erika watched Nadir stand and place the baby in the shallow bowl of water on the nightstand. The little one hardly made a noise, perhaps soothed by the familiar environment. He stretched his arms high over his head, startled when Nadir palmed water over his belly.

To distract herself from the – rather painful – process of waiting for the afterbirth, Erika tried to make conversation. "Where you hoping for a son?"

"I could not have cared less about that," Nadir said, adjusting his support of the child's head. "He's alive, and that's all I prayed for."

"You can admit it. I won't be offended."

Nadir offered her a kind smile. "I wasn't afraid of the possibility. Yes, I am relieved...but he's my son."

"You aren't the only one relieved."

Erika waited until Nadir took his eyes off her to start tugging on the remaining cord, trying to dislodge the afterbirth faster. With a squelch, the purple-red organ slipped from her and the cramping faded for good. She wrapped it in all the bloodied and damp sheets and shoved it to the corner of the mattress. No longer able to hold herself upright, she flopped onto her side. The adrenaline faded and all the pain was catching up to her.

Her vision was growing foggy with exhaustion, but the second her body hit the mattress she felt Nadir grab her shoulder.

"Are you alright?!"

She looked up to see Nadir once more at her side, holding a bundle of fresh linens that she could assume wrapped his son. "I'm not dying, if that's your question." She shrugged his hand off and closed her eyes, longing for sleep.

Nadir's heart was in his throat. He didn't want to alarm her, but there was still blood coming. And he couldn't let her sleep, not yet. Not until he knew she would wake up again. "I think you may be injured. I'm just...not sure what to look for." He hadn't been able to see anything wrong the last time there was blood. No one had.

Erika sighed, sluggishly pulling herself onto the pillows. "Get me a mirror. I'll see for myself the damage you've done."

She was lent a hand mirror from the bathroom vanity. Once she saw the open, bleeding tear she requested a needle and thread. While she saw to herself, the babe was dressed and swaddled by his father.

While washing the dry red stains from her legs, Erika heard Nadir muttering to the child in his arms. It was in his native tongue, and much of what he said was too soft to pick up – even in the otherwise silent bedroom. Then, one phase met her ears:

"Oh, how your brother would have loved you."

Erika wasn't meant to hear it, but she had. "Nadir..."

He turned to her, his face dry but his eyes glistening.

She motioned him closer, lowering the hem of her nightshirt back over her knees. "Will you tell him about Reza, when he can understand?"

Nadir smiled, but his eyes immediately spilled over. "I'll tell him of his brother long before that, and long after. He will know every detail."

He had tried to stop the thoughts, the speculations, from entering his mind. Yet, in the end, Nadir had the entire vision of his Reza – he would have been eleven that year – in the room with them, excitedly peering on tip-toe to see the babe in his father's arms. He would have been overjoyed to have a younger brother to spend his lonely days with. An entire life that would never be flashed before his eyes, and then was gone.

"Did you entertain any names?" Erika asked, crawling beneath the covers.

Nadir beamed. "I have. In fact, I've known his name for a while."

"Tell me."

"It's tradition not to announce until the seventh day of life," Nadir explained. He gave a sigh. "And yet, I have no one else to announce it to."

He once again set his hand over his son's head. "His name is Izad."

"Izad." Erika tried the sound of it in her mouth. "Izad."

"Yes. Izad Mir Reza Khan."

"Mmm," Erika could only mutter a sound in response, already drifting away to sleep.

It was a fretful sleep, and it was broken an hour later by piercing wails outside the bedroom door. Erika growled and covered her ears, but the incessant sound didn't stop. She could hear Nadir's voice, but didn't give a damn what he was saying to the bastard.

"Erika?"

A shiver of disgust shot up her back when the door clicked open and the crying entered the room. Erika ground her teeth and kept her ears covered.

"Erika?"

"What?" She growled, deep and angry, between her teeth. She cracked open her eyes to see Nadir at the bedside.

"I didn't wish to wake you, truly. I wasn't going to ask anything of you. Yet, I have a dilemma on my hands."

"And?"

"It's late afternoon, nearly dark, and with the snow and ice..." he sounded very hesitant to get to his reason for interrupting her rest. "I'm not stepping outside these walls with him. He would catch his death."

Erika glared up at him, her jaw set. "Then go to a church doorstep in the morning, you idiot."

"I can't let him go hungry for the night, Erika."

It took a few seconds to register, but when it did Erika stared at him, aghast. "No."

"For tonight, and never again. Please."

"There's nothing in my breasts," Erika protested. "He will go hungry either way."

"Then at least try," Nadir was practically begging her. "It may, at the very least, settle him to sleep until morning."

Erika pulled herself up against the headboard, a hand closed around the collar of her nightshirt. "If he continues to scream, I'm forcing you outside to buy a sedative."

"Agreed, I'll give you anything if you help him." Nadir struck a match against the bedpost and lit the candle.

In the enhanced light, Erika dared to look at Nadir's son. Izad's face was beet purple, no doubt screaming for longer than Erika had been awake. It startled her to see how much stress his tiny body was under. She exhaled a long, fatigued breath. Before she could allow herself to think, she unbuttoned her nightshirt.

Nadir unwrapped Izad from the swaddle and laid him face-down against Erika's bare chest. Izad sensed the warmth of another body – or, perhaps, a familiar heartbeat – and went silent.

"Is this how Rookheya did it?" she asked, almost leaning away from the contact with the newborn.

"The very few times she did, yes." Nadir came around to his side of the bed to lay beside them. "It appeared to work itself out."

Izad wriggled around, as if trying to hoist himself up on limbs too weak to do anything yet. Unsure of herself, Erika put a hand under his rear and guided him closer to her breast. For a few seconds he nuzzled around, searching. Then, by instinct, he latched onto her and began suckling.

"There you go, little one," Nadir grinned. He kissed Erika's concave cheek. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"You're not the one needing to be humiliated like this," Erika said, rolling her eyes. "And it's not pleasant."

Her chest was swollen and sore, and the act of nursing worsened both. The breast Izad was on burned from the inside out; but it kept him quiet, except for small squeaking breaths and an occasional grunt.

The sun dimmed to twilight outside. The candle on the nightstand became the main source of light. Erika sat still against the headboard, waiting on Izad to fall asleep so she could do the same. Those black, watery eyes looked up at her in what could have been wonder. Clean and pampered, his cheeks were full and rosy. His thick, black hair reminded her of kitten's fur. She carefully ran her fingers over his scalp, feeling the texture of that heavenly soft down.

A scent met her open nasal passage, and she mistook it for lye soap. But it was too organic, like a body smell...but somehow sweet. Leaning closer, she realized the source was Izad's skin.

Nadir chuckled when she sniffed the baby's hair. It was something he had seen several women do in his time. "I've heard some women claim they could recognize their child purely by scent," he said.

Erika didn't reply. She simply took a small inhale from against Izad's hair, her eyes fluttering shut. The scent of him was nothing she'd experienced, and on some primal level it was intoxicating. A new, warm sensation filled her breasts, and Izad became much more content. Barely audible gulps replaced his frustrated grumbles.

Resting her head back, Erika glanced towards Nadir and sighed. "There shouldn't be anymore need for a wet nurse, I suppose."

"Are you certain?"

She gave a half-hearted chuckle. "I doubt I will be able to walk home this time tomorrow." She touched her open breast, and it was warm and firm. "And what perfect timing for my milk to come in."

"And so," Nadir hesitated, "you wish to stay here?"

"I'll nurse him for a while," Erika said. "I may as well. Should I return home in this state, I could hardly perform my duties." She smirked over at Nadir. "You see what you've put me though?"

"And yet," Nadir laughed, "how many times have you complained this is our doing?"

"Well, if fate demanded that I make him..." Erika, for the first time, smiled down at Izad. "...I'm thankful I made him with you."