His lips were cold.

I shut my eyes while kissing him.

I did not think about it, nor knew what to do after my lips touched his.

I wished we were frozen in time.

'I should take advantage of it and deepen the kiss,' a whispered thought, at the back of my mind, told me. My frontal, logical side was screaming like a child in the middle of the night.

The fact that one or two minutes have probably passed without any further movement, yet he did not push me away, made me curious.

'What is he thinking now?'

But still, there I was, unable to do more or come up with an excuse that would be one hundred percent bulletproof.

So, I opened my eyes and found that his eyes were already open.

I stepped back and zipped up my pants.

More tears rained down his cheeks. The liquid that had gathered in his eye sockets, like cloud tears collected in the gutters of a roof, escaped freely from the now unblinking eyes. He was not coughing or heavily breathing. Meaning that I succeeded. I froze him.

"I wanted to stop you from crying." That was what I heard myself say, but even I was able to hear the insecurity that was present in my voice.

'I screwed up. ' This sentence echoed itself over and over again and bounced off the walls from inside my brain.

I did not feel bad though I'd just forced him to do something he was not comfortable with. Hell…I just physically hurt him and probably ruined all chances of us being friends.

Who kisses someone they are punishing? Did I, by kissing him after saying that I was angry, mean that I was enjoying it?

'Wasn't I enjoying it? Maybe I'm the one who's bipolar.'

"You were angry..." His hoarse voice, just above a whisper, pointed out the obvious.

'I thought I was too.'

"Yes. Well, now I'm not anymore." I got the small, sealed plastic bag from the back pocket of my jeans and held it awkwardly between us as if it was a peace offering. Except it was not. It was a way out.

I took a step forward, grabbed his limp arm, and lifted it. Placing the small bag in his palm, I took the other and covered it. He did not seem to be careful or aware of what I was doing. I thought he was going to let it fall onto the ground.

I released his hands. He just kept them there in the exact same position.

I simply caught hold of his shoulders to lift and then drop him in a different place, so I could leave.

"See you later."

I exited the stall, took my backpack that I had previously hidden in a dark corner, and left the bathroom without another word.

I never got his consent to treat him that way. I have never revealed it as a possibility. I knew he was shocked, but I liked it so much that I managed to surprise myself to the point of astonishment.

We never spoke on the phone outside of our little monthly, sometimes weekly appointments. Calling for something so personal made me feel like I was crossing a boundary that has been silently set over time.

Days have gone by without as much as a glance his way. I avoided the lake area just because something within me said that I should apologize. But in the same vein, I couldn't convince myself that I hated what has happened in its entirety.

Nevertheless, I soon found myself in the staffroom carrying papers for our math teacher, when I got, unconsciously drawn to a board with flyers for school clubs.

Ten minutes later, I have signed one piece of paper, and officially, I was a member of the same club as him.

After the teacher said that today was a club day, I suddenly felt the need to hit my head against my own desk when I went back to it.

'Why did I do that? I didn't ask Fred if I could take Thursdays off...' I complained and complained in my mind while my legs walked on their own.

After I knocked on the door and a tiny girl with a fringe, let me in with a timid hello, I considered the need for psychological help.

"Your name is Kim Namjoon, right?" Said a brown-haired guy with a faint beard who I'd never seen before in my life.

"I was told that you've joined this morning. My name is Haneul, but you can call me Sony."

'That's not even close to the original name. How did you get that nickname?!' Is what I wanted to say.

"Nice to meet you." is what I said out loud.

"That's Yeong-Cheol, she's Bora and Kwan."

Two guys and two girls.

'And Jungkook?' I wanted to ask, but instead, I left my backpack next to theirs.

Took the empty spot next to the same girl that opened the door, Kwan, at the big square low table they were all sitting at.

"Do you play cards?"

"I don't think I've ever played before."

The way the almost-blondish girl, Bora, looked at me as if flowers just grew out of my nose made me wish I could take the last hours of my life back.

"Do you want to learn how?" Yeong-Cheol's deep voice surprised me.

"Why not?" That was the most enthusiastic answer I could muster.

After a while, I learned all the rules and already won three times in a row.

Unexpectedly, none of them were bothered. They started making jokes about how I should teach them my tricks now while they kept talking among themselves; something that I found to be strangely pleasing. I randomly joined the conversation when I felt like it. They were easy-going and kind. But I couldn't stop thinking about Jungkook, which made me zone out occasionally.

"Oh, I forgot. I bought some 'unique' snacks. They're supposed to be extra spicy." Bora ran to her orange backpack before she finished her sentence.

"Someone should ask Jungkook what he wants."

"I'll go this time." Yeong-Cheol sighed and slapped his cards on the table. I touched his shoulder before he was able to get up.

"I'll ask him. Where is he?" This was the second time they all stopped only to glare at me in silent surprise.

"Do you know him?"

"We're in the same class."

"Ah, that's why...Well, he's usually on the rooftop. He enjoys listening to his music alone." Kwan informed me.

Bora placed a fizzy drink in front of me with an animated bear on it before saying, "That's odd, he never mentioned you." She immediately covered her mouth and used a high-pitched tone to say, "Oh, my..."

Sony has scowled at the three a few times since I arrived. Trying to keep them within some sort of line. Why he'd do that was a mystery to me. He was clearly concerned that they would make a bad first impression by coming on too strong. Being the only guy who didn't know most of the members would alienate me from the get-go, but they were all so nice by nature, that his response to her slip of the tongue made me outright smile.

"She sometimes talks without thinking. I am sure he's very fond of you," Sony tried to sweeten the bitter truth.

However, I did not feel like lying so I just happily told them:

"He's not."

They watched me leave in utter stillness.

I didn't need to run, but for some reason, I felt like doing it. The faster I got there, the more time I had to talk with him before they all got suspicious.

The second I opened the door to the rooftop I got blinded by the sun. It wasn't too hot, but it sure was bright.

'Where?'

I was certain that he wouldn't be out in the open if he was smoking, so I searched every corner until I found him sitting on the floor in the darkest one, with his back against the wall.

He hadn't noticed me coming since his eyes were closed and the music was blasting through the earphones.

I sat right next to him, yet he didn't sense me even when I was a few centimeters away from him. For this reason, I removed his earpiece. He immediately looked for who did it, and his eyes opened wider the second he looked up. I could see his calm expression twisting in confusion.

"Hi." Was the best my brain could spit out at that moment.

He didn't answer, but he removed the other earpiece and turned the music off, which was enough for me.

"I joined your club."

"Hmm..." He smiled a joyless smile.

"I know you must be thinking that I'm a stalker at this point, but teachers suggested I join one since it'll help me land a good college."

The quietness kept stretching as the wind kept softly blowing.

"And also, I wanted to tell you that I found someone who's hiring. They might give you a shot." I lied.

He started laughing. I smiled, but mostly because I was nervous. My mind kept comparing the image from the last time we met; a close-up of his messy hair, wet face, and hurt eyes, to the one I was talking to now.

"What?" I asked, unable to understand his carefree reaction.

"You can do whatever you want." Usually, I would've taken that line as a sign of indifference, but his ear-to-ear grin made me unable to do that.

"You're high." It suddenly hit me that this person was far gone. He looked as if he had just taken morphine. I'd never seen someone take that perfect dose that got them into their most peaceful, nonresistant space, but this must've been pretty close to that.

He confirmed it, unashamed: "Very."

"Great." I let myself flop next to him, feeling defeated.

"I guess you're still worried about what you had done."

I was thankful because he continued to stare ahead, therefore, he was unable to see how I tensed up in an instant.

"Yes. I..."

"It's fine."

'What?!'

"Just don't mention it."

"Shouldn't you be angry?"

"I can't be angry right now."

"How come?"

"You just had a bad day and took it out on me. Didn't you?"

I was making a funny face, yet I couldn't stop it.

"Well..." I clicked my tongue and asked again, "why can't you be angry?"

He sighed as if this question caused him immense grief.

"You could've joined any other club. You picked this one since you knew I was in it. You wanted to apologize. I am sparing you. Take it."

"I will, but you look so...strange."

"Strange how?" His wide smile and unfocused eyes made my lips dry.

"Like you're floating. I don't know...I thought I knew how you're like when you're high. Also, I am pretty sure you were using and you were still able to get mad some time ago."

"It depends on what stage I was going through." He casually informed me as if it was general knowledge.

"What?"

"I always go through three stages. I don't know if this applies to everyone, but..."

He stopped as if a thought caught his entire attention.

"I'm listening."

He looked at me as if he had forgotten I was there.

"Well, the heaven phase is the one I'm in, usually at the beginning of the year when junk food tastes great, I can sleep for twelve hours, and everything is hilarious." His eyes appeared to light up once more as he recalled all the great moments he's had. I could almost see the imaginary sweets floating around him like a circle of colorful yet unhealthy treats.

"Oh, that's what you're talking about..."

"And then I start losing my appetite and no matter how many standup shows I watch, I can barely squeeze one laugh out..." His expression turned sour and his voice seemed to get suffocated by an invisible hand. "I call it the purgatory, but it's mostly denial. I know I should have a break when I reach that point, but I just can't face it. Every time is the same. so I keep going until everything makes me nauseous, I get depressed and I can't sleep for more than two hours no matter how much I walk..."

After his explanation, I felt more bewildered than I did at the beginning of it.

"So now, you are...?"

"I'm in heaven." He completed as a smirk crept onto his lips. Still, his eyes remained lifeless.

"Got it. But is it really worth it if you feel fine for like three months before you crash?"

"It is, considering I didn't have three months before. I didn't even have three hours..."

I didn't know what to say. I could understand that one could lead a life without happiness, but when you get used to such highs, you cease to feel the smaller, organic moments that should bring any human a slither of joy. It might not feel like being on top of Mount Everest, but after it ends, at least you won't be falling from atop a mountain. That's how I stopped myself from abusing drugs.

But then again, I get it. If he has found his match, which could be the perfect cocktail of serotonin, that some only dream to achieve on alcohol, caffeine, or sugar... How could one resist it if his life has little to no such moments?

But then why did I feel so lonely knowing that his entire well-being depended on one thing and nothing else?

'What happens when it runs out? Or when you can't get it?'

"What can I do?" I thought I said that in my mind, but I realized I said it out loud because he turned to look at me with a soft and yet the most 'drunk like' expression I think his features were capable of.

"Bring me some snacks. Some chocolate would be good."

"Fine...I almost forgot, Bora got some spicy ones or something, they wanted me to let you know."

"I'd rather have something sweet… and some soda, ask for something normal though. If it has any animal on it, trust me when I say, don't touch it." He stopped paying me any attention the moment I stopped talking as he resumed spacing out.

"I'll be right back."

For some reason, I couldn't pinpoint why I found myself wanting to leave. It felt like the air around him was intoxicating the more I stayed next to him.

'So, I guess the most accurate version of him would show its ugly head during the hell phase.' That is what I was assuming since it was normal to experience all the negative consequences of overuse. Yet, there must be an in-between period, and I was curious to see it.

That was the only reason why I returned to the club room with a poker face and asked for his share of junk food. I think they expected to get more out of me, but I got up to leave as soon as I arrived.

"Let him know that we're watching a movie in ten to twenty minutes!"

"I will!"

"Wait, I'm going too." Kwan suddenly told me.

"I can carry them on my own."

"I meant the same way. I am going home early."

"Aww, why do you keep going home so early lately? Huh?" Bora moaned the words what I was guessing, was supposed to be a cutesy way, but I only found it disturbing.

"I told you, my mom is still upset. Did you forget I got a bad grade in English?"

"So, you didn't get a perfect score, big whoop." That was her automatic response.

"It is, for her...I hope you guys like the movie I've picked." Her face and lips stretched in a sad grimace as if the thought of going home deteriorated her emotional state by ninety percent.

Bora kept asking her to stay a little bit more while the guys seemed to know it was useless so they just bid her farewell.

I was drowning in the awkwardness as she walked a little bit too close to me without breaking the ice. So I did it instead.

"You know, I can help you study next week. If you want, of course."

She clasped her cheeks in a very childish way before she replied, "Wait, really? You'd do that? I'd really appreciate it."

'She's so easy to read...'

"But I don't want to impose or..."

"Don't worry, I'd rather study instead of..."

'Waste time playing cards.' That was what I wanted to say.

"Doing something else. I find it relaxing." That is what I said.

"I'll remain grateful forever. No, I have to treat you and..."

She seemed genuinely happy as she seemed to ponder how to repay me.

"Don't worry about it."

"I can tell mom that I'm studying, so she'll let me stay later." She said, suddenly standing still since we had to part ways at this point.

"Not by much. I can't go home too late either." I told her.

"You got controlling parents too?"

"Kind of..."

"Well, see you next time. And thanks."

She left me in a good mood as I was somehow relieved that I won't be the only weirdo studying in a corner, while everyone else played cards and board games.

'I guess that's the perk of having a family...you can just take it slow and not worry as much...'

The sun was a little bit more bearable or maybe it was just my imagination.

I found him in the exact same position I have left him in.

Thought that by throwing the chocolate at him, I'd get a reaction, but he only opened his eyes slowly.

"She told me you also drink lemon soda with it?" I asked, checking the labels.

"That'll do." He breathed out, reaching out his hand.

"That's an odd combination."

"Opposites attract."

'Does he ever worry about his future? At all?'

I sat in the same spot as before and watched him eat half a chocolate in less than three minutes.

'I would ask how he doesn't get fat, but considering he just told me he only eats a lot for a few months, or even less at some point, and then eats only to survive...Huh. I guess that solves that mystery and he's really not on pills.'

"What's your dream job?" I blurted out.

Jungkook's face told me he did not expect that question.

"I don't know..."

"Pfft."

"I always thought I'd try painting or writing. Something artistic that won't require me having to meet a lot of people daily."

"That's a weird specific reason you got there."

He smiled as if I have complimented him.

"Maybe, but that's important to me. What about you?"

"Something that pays well."

My answer made him chuckle.

"Aren't you a dreamer?" He mocked.

He offered me some of his sweets, but I had no appetite. Watching him eat so much, so fast while he made pleasing sounds somehow made me feel as if I was already full.

"They're about to watch a movie in a bit."

"Which one?"

"I don't know. Kwan picked it. She had to leave early though."

I was definitely staring like a creep. However, no one could see me on the roof unless they were spying from the surrounding trees with binoculars. He was too busy drinking his soda and licking his fingers to notice either.

'Stop doing that...'

The chocolate melted from the heat, and he didn't seem to let a drop get wasted on his skin.

I looked away at a bird that had just landed on a nearby branch.

We left the minute he finished and started complaining about eating too much.

'Stomachs can hurt even in paradise too, huh...'

We arrived just in time for the movie, and even though I swore I wouldn't let the others know I have the most twisted feelings for my classmate, my eyes automatically stared the minute I heard him laugh.

'Are they even aware? His eyes look perfectly normal, but his actions and words are all at least two seconds off.'

What surprised me was when they told me that I can't eat during the movie, since I have to give the movie my undivided attention. They did talk about every little thing so I guess that couldn't be possible if we all had our mouths full.

"This guy is really handsome." Bora pointed to a very muscular man who has just killed two others without batting an eye.

"I don't know. He definitely looks like he has had some plastic surgery." Sony seemed to have said that just to have her pouting.

"Who cares? He can act, and he didn't get butchered. Nothing else matters." She argued.

"His role consists of acting like he's not bothered by anything. He has to keep a straight face, and he's set." Sony continued to push her even if I could tell that he did not care whatsoever if the guy grew wings and flew as his special acting skill.

"Nah-uh! Can't you tell that his stare got layers upon layers of emotions?"

"Are we even watching the same movie?" He straight out started laughing at her question.

I was paying attention to their conversation, but I lost track of who was winning the moment my phone started vibrating. I had to let Fred know I was taking one day off dealing every Thursday, starting today, due to club activities. He told me it's fine if it's just one day a week, however, I could tell he wasn't very pleased with the short texts. And then I heard Jungkook talking and stopped texting entirely.

"Guys, where is Kwan?"

I think something in my neck popped because I turned around so fast to check if he was being serious.

'Didn't I tell him she's gone? Even so, did he notice she's gone only after one hour?'

"She went home early. Her mom is mad about her grades again." Yeong-Cheol informed him as if nothing was wrong, but there have been five seconds of mutual silence between all of us that he probably couldn't perceive in his state.

"If a girl had fake boobs, you wouldn't even bring it up, would you? If they look natural, who cares? Right?"

I admitted that Bora would not back down as she continued to attack, which made it easy to mess with her, but all the fun I found in their friendly bickering died the moment his voice made contact with my ears.

'They either know or they labeled him as mentally challenged. Still, didn't any of them catch him smoking on the roof if they always bring his snacks or go to let him know when they're doing what?'

I watched if their eyes lingered on him longer than they should, but I couldn't spot anything out of the ordinary. I could vividly recall that Bora complained about Kwan having left even after the movie started and discussing her over-the-top mother. And if Jungkook had somehow missed it twice, he still only bothered to ask about the said person after quite a long time has passed.

We all left the club room while scrutinizing the over the top acting, and I was pleasantly surprised to hear that Kwan was choosing bad movies on purpose. She liked to make fun of them with others, and I could understand that as being a thing.

After a while, I was walking with Jungkook by the lake, on our way home. Suddenly, he stopped responding in the middle of the conversation.

'It's like he just shuts down...'

"Jungkook?"

"Yeah."

"How about going grocery shopping with me?" I expected him to ask why, but he just followed suit.

I hated having to leave him alone in this state, even though I figured he'd be fine since he'd been alone for years, and he hadn't gotten in any trouble as far as I was aware.

I started wondering if he would just accept anything while he's in the 'heaven' mindset while he followed me through the store like a lost puppy. But the minute he stopped in front of me with a bar of big chocolate, I got it.

'I was the one being played, huh...'

"Buy it for me, please?" The normality of this had me exhaling air I wasn't consciously holding back, and yet, his submissive demeanor made me slightly uncomfortable.

"Sure."

His 'I'm not taking charity' sentence echoed through my mind like bubbles breaking one after another.

I waited until we got out of the store and a few steps away on purpose only, to whisper in his ear: "You owe me now."

He stopped walking at that very moment, and I couldn't help smirking as his arms fell limp with the chocolate still clutched tightly in the right one.

"But...I...but..." I wanted to say I was joking in a bit.

This situation reminded me of Bora and Sony's petty arguments, so I thought I could enjoy seeing his pouting expression.

I couldn't though.

The chocolate fell from his hand as he lowered himself to the ground and hugged his knees.

"What's wrong?"

He hid his face from my view, and I couldn't tell if he was the one playing a prank on me or not.

I felt that something was definitely wrong when I've heard his loud and irregular breathing.

"I was joking. You don't owe me a thing. Now, come on, get up." I tried, but he didn't, so I placed the plastic bags on the pavement and squatted down to his level.

I kept pulling at his fingers to get him to release his head, but he refused it entirely. His breathing sounded more and more heightened as if he was struggling to breathe. Then I could absolutely hear him making a sound that was similar to a cry.

"You're freaking me out. Tell me what's wrong." I wanted to sound calm and helpful, but I probably looked like I was abusing a little boy.

When I finally forced his arms away from his body, I could see he wasn't crying, but his eyes were panicked.

"I do-do-n't kno-now why..." He squeezed those words out as we stared at each other with now, similar panic.

"Tell me what to do. I don't know what..."

"I d-on't...I need...I w-a-nt home." I thought about getting him to a hospital, but it was faster and safer getting him home if his brother knew what to do.

'We can call an ambulance from his house...' I thought.

"Hold on." That was all I said before I picked him up and threw him over my shoulder, I got the bags, and walked as fast as I could.

It was hours later that I've realized I forgot his fallen chocolate on the pavement.

I walked towards the area I supposed he'd be living close to, and I let him tell me the directions between short breaths of air and strange sounds.

'Of course, he had to live in a flat in a huge building.' I heard a voice inside my head that was still calm despite my own chest pains and his ragged breathing. At the same time, slightly worried about the time we wasted before we reached it.

When he suddenly tried to get off by himself, I thought that this might be it. And it was.

He punched a bunch of numbers in the intercom and the voice of a man answered within seconds.

"I'm coming." That was all he said.

He paced back and forth as he waited, and I wanted to say something comforting, but I had no idea what, so I just kept quiet with a worried expression plastered on my face.

It wasn't long until the gate that was next to us made a clicking sound, and for a man that I identified immediately as his brother, to come out of it looking annoyed.

"Who are you?"

"Classmate."

"Fine. Go. I will take him to a hospital."

I watched him walk toward a black car, and Jungkook almost ran towards it as well. He, not for a moment, stopped hyperventilating.

"Wait, what's wrong? Has this happened before? Is he having an asthma attack?"

'Am I actually killing Jungkook by providing him weed?'

He laughed in my face.

"No. He's got a panic attack."

I stopped right behind the car as he got inside it and closed the door while his brother kept the driver's door still open.

"But he overdid the pills so they won't give him any and now we have to go to the hospital every single time!" He yelled and I could see Jungkook shuddering in the backseat.

"Thanks for helping. Now go home." He shut the door in my face and started the car.

I moved out of its way on autopilot, and I couldn't stop staring their way, even after the car was out of sight.

AN: This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.