AN: New chapter? So soon? Yes. I wanted to post a new chapter on Easter, but I am not sure I will be able to. Then I thought not a lot of you guys will have time to read it as well.
Hence, early Easter present! I might update a few days after since I already have the next chapter and I like it too much so I can't wait to let you guys read it. I haven't decided yet though.
To avoid any misunderstanding, I want to mention that this:'...' means thought, „..." this is dialogue and in this chapter, especially, anything between (...) means it's a memory.
Thank you all for commenting and reading.
This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.
(Early) Happy Easter!

'What now? What do I do now?'

Namjoon kept trying to undress me, kissing my neck roughly.

I tried to keep his hand still, but all I ended up doing was covering his hands with my own as I moaned without meaning to, when he suddenly bit me hard.

"Namjoon, we're drunk… we shouldn't…"

"Then why did you come?"

"Huh? I…" He almost ripped my jacket as he threw it by the low table in his living room as the ajar backdoor let the night's cold air in.

He started lifting my T-shirt.

"You said that… you… ah… you were sad…" I didn't want to mention his Grandma, so I bit my lip.

"Yes, I was. And I am."

I could see the empty bottles by the kitchen sink from my spot on the floor. The no-walls kitchen made it easier to see what I hadn't noticed when I came in.

'He's not only drunk. He's out of his mind…'

"Then this is not the way to…"

He ripped it as I tried to stop him from taking it off. He threw it somewhere while he lifted me by the hips and pushed me against the wall. He continued to hold me up as if it was nothing.

'How is he able to stand and hold me at the same time in his state?!'

"Jungkook?"

"Yes."

He glued his forehead to mine and closed his eyes.

"You want me."

'That wasn't a question.'

"You're drunk." I sighed as I tried to get him to snap out of it.

"You're high."

"That's not the point!"

"You're hard." He thrust and rubbed into me to make me aware that he could feel it through his clothes.

'Of course, I am, you've touched my leg and kissed my neck for at least one hour now. And I am only human.' I wanted to argue, but as I was thinking about it, I was sure it wouldn't have helped my case.

"You said… we'll take it slow…" I mumbled between quick breaths.

He opened his eyes as if I had just slapped him.

He let go of my legs and let me fall to the ground. I landed on one shaky leg.

He picked up a beer bottle and was about to drink it when he heard me saying:

"No." I thought out loud before I took the bottle out of his hand and literally ran with it to the sink. I poured the content into it before filling a glass with water.

When I turned around, his eyes looked at me with too much clarity for a drunk person. And also, unmistakable anger.

"I'm sorry, but you're going to feel sick tomorrow and you can't possibly get more dr…"

He grabbed my wrist which was holding the glass with strength and squeezed. I dropped the glass and the sound of it breaking seemed to echo all around us.

"It hurts..."

He continued until I kneeled on the floor in front of him. He then pushed me down and positioned himself on top of me, as he did that morning.

I was cold, tired, and scared.

'He doesn't look drunk, but he should be drunk!' I thought, as his eyes bore into me with intensity.

"Wait," I said as his other hand grabbed my neck as he did on the rooftop.

This time, though, he didn't stop squeezing.

The air got thinner and my vision got blurrier.

"I caann't breatthe… pleaahse…"

I tried to call out his name yet, nothing came out.

Suddenly, my eyes snapped open, and the ceiling looked unfamiliar for a second.

I looked around like a stranger in my own room while I touched my neck as if his hand was still there.

'A dream. Just a dream.'

"Jungkook?!" my brother screamed from outside the bedroom door.

"I am up!"

"Alright!"

And I was.

Wide awake.

I spent the rest of the day thinking about the meaning of my dream and the pain in my chest.

After all, the man has told me his grandmother died and then got into a fight only one week later.

The entire town heard about it since he choked the guy until he nearly died. He was also a student at our school and many other students have said that they saw him covered in blood, with his leg broken while Namjoon continued to kick him in the stomach right in front of the school. It was in broad daylight as well. The marks anyone could see on his neck were proof, but his black eye and purple bruises on his face looked worse. I heard he had a broken rib as well, but I didn't want to catch a glimpse of him, not to mention ask.

Namjoon however, looked like he wasn't the guy that fought him. No scars, no bruises, and no broken bones. He looked perfectly normal and physically he was.

They didn't expel him since everyone knew his grandmother had just died and they figured it must have been ten times worse for him since she was his only remaining family member. Despite the gravity of his actions, witnesses, and obvious proof, everyone has been weirdly understanding. He was only forced to sign a paper to attend counseling once a week and was warned against future unacceptable behavior as if he was a little child that didn't know what he's done.

I heard everyone talking about it everywhere, but nothing from Namjoon himself. Meanwhile, everyone avoided him more than usual and no one dared to even mention it around him. Everything returned to normal for him the very next day. As if nothing happened.

The other guy, however, was admitted to a hospital and even so, supposedly, he refused to leave his house unless it was for school. He also seemed to have stopped his parents from pressing charges or making a bigger fuss with the teachers. Instead, he wanted nothing to do with Namjoon.

We all knew why he wouldn't even leave the classroom alone from then onward.

Some saw it in person, some heard about it and saw the aftermath.

But no one knew the reason why it happened in the first place.

Actually, no one could even imagine what the circumstances were in which they met each other since no one ever saw them talking or as much as stand near one another.

No one had any hint, but I had what no one did.

Access to Namjoon.

"He refused to pay for his fix?"

"Stop guessing."

"He threatened to tell everyone that you are, you know, a 'card' dealer?" I quietly whispered in his ear as Namjoon was reading the back of a cereal box in the store we always shopped at.

"No."

I crossed my hands and stepped back.

"Will you ever tell me?"

"Why? You want to fuel the rumors some more?"

I let my mouth hang open, but he didn't bother to look at my outraged face, so I continued talking while he walked towards the dairy section.

"You know I would never do that. You know I am only asking because I am worried about you."

"Why? I didn't get hurt."

'Yes. That's exactly why. How didn't you get hurt? At all?'

"Maybe you did, but it's under that huge T-shirt of yours."

"You want me to get naked for you?" He smirked as the old lady next to us stared at him with wide eyes.

Namjoon simply got a bottle of milk and walked away.

I awkwardly smiled and then followed suit.

'Maybe I should drill him later about it…'

"I'm craving ice cream." I changed the subject, and he didn't comment on it.

"Again? You've been eating that for two days in a row."

"Yeah, well, I get obsessed with eating something until I get sick of it."

"That's funny since all you get hung up on is sugar. Just in different forms."

I pouted as I picked up a big chocolate ice cream box and embraced it immediately.

His sigh was enough for me to smile.

"Fine. I will buy it for you." I got close to the shopping cart and right before I could drop it in, he continued, "But!" The box dangled from my hand, but I refused to let it go, even if it was feeling my fingers hurt from the coldness. "You owe me." My hand remained suspended in the air as I raised one eyebrow.

He snatched the ice cream and carefully placed it next to the eggs before he passed me by.

"Wait, a second." I started as he was placing the items on the checkout band behind a few other customers. "I owe you what?"

"Not now." He paid me no mind as he pulled out his wallet.

"I need to know." I was touching the ice cream with obvious concern written all over my face.

"Why are you panicking? It's not like you won't be eating from the rest of the stuff I got."

"Yeah, but those are the things you would've bought, regardless."

"Maybe."

"I don't owe you for the cereal I ate yesterday, right?"

"Not for the whole box. Just for that last flake." The band automatically moved and my hand hung in the air for the second time in the past five minutes.

"Namjoon!"

"Yeah?" It all sounded like a joke. If only he didn't look so emotionless.

In fact, since his grandmother has died from a disease that he didn't want to talk about, he hasn't smiled or laughed much. I stuck to him like a leech since I knew he wasn't feeling well, even if he wouldn't admit it. He did make some dirty jokes here and there, mostly, when he got drunk.

He didn't touch me at all, though. I was pleased with that. It almost felt like we were just two normal guys hanging out.

But at the same time, I braced myself when he would accidentally touch my hand or shoulder only to distance himself in the next second as if I was contagious.

I confused myself as much as the dreams in which he pinned me down to have his way with me. I'd usually woke up after he'd get above, kiss me, and then when he'd reach my belly button, my vision would go white and all feelings and sounds would cease to exist.

However, the ones in which he hurt me in any way continued until I passed out or straight up, died.

"What do I owe you?"

"I will tell you later."

"No. Tell me now."

He was counting some bills, although I was jumping from his left to his right like a child, hoping to capture his attention.

"Is it money?"

I thought he was laughing for a second, but he was just deliberately mimicking a laugh, ironically.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

The new stash of weed from inside my backpack felt heavy suddenly.

Then it hit me.

'I haven't given him a blow job for the past three months.'

"Wait," I said mostly to myself as the cashier woman suddenly stopped with her hand above the eggs and looked at me, puzzled.

"Ignore him." Namjoon casually told her. I scorned.

We left the store in utter silence. Meanwhile, I tried convincing him into letting me carry at least one bag.

He didn't.

Thoughts bombarded me one after the other so I stopped walking, fixated my eyes on the concrete pavement, and said it like I was pulling out a band-aid;

"Did you mean dirt… dirty stuff?"

He was several steps ahead when he also stopped dead in his tracks.

Looked back and had what was almost a smile.

"Yes." Then he kept on walking without looking back.

My heart dropped.

I marched behind him for the rest of the way to his house.

Officially, his grandmother's room, that was the only bedroom in the house, was off-limits. I've never been inside it though. I've seen how it looked like from the times he left the door open to get clothes from the closet. And all I could remember was how empty it was. The window was the first thing I noticed, the thin mattress on the floor covered with cream blankets. The dust on the tv that was on the right side of the room was the second thing that gave me shivers. The closet must have been on the same side as the door since I couldn't see it unless I went in.

He's been sleeping on a rolling futon in the middle of the hallway, which was right in front of the bedroom. So basically in front of the main entrance, to the right of the open kitchen, at the near left, low side of the bathroom door, and somewhat far from the low table with no chairs that was two steps away from the back door. There was only one chair in the entire house, and it was in the bedroom with some books on top and under it.

I used the same futon multiple times when I've slept over. Whenever he used the floor as his bed and the table as a pillow.

I didn't have to ask why he didn't want to go inside her room. Still, I wondered when he would get over it since he had no other room to sleep in and it got real cold in the morning.

It surprised me that neither of us caught a cold so far.

I was arranging all the groceries inside the fridge when he got his book out of the backpack and sat down in the same spot by the door, on the floor, on the right side of the table looking out through the door.

He started reading while I offered to heat the food this time.

I carefully threw it all in a pot, turned the stove on medium heat, and cracked some eggs in a bowl.

I was whistling, whisking the eggs with some cream when his enormous hands have hugged my middle from behind. His fingers linking on my stomach.

I resisted the urge to scream since I didn't even hear or sense him coming near me.

"Stop moving." Was his quick command before I had the chance to speak.

His right hand went from my stomach to the crook of my neck.

'Like a snake.'

He simply stood like that, as he seemed to smell the top of my head.

"Um… what are you doing?" I asked, incredibly flustered.

"You've used my shampoo."

"I'm sorry?" I guessed that should have been my reaction, however, his voice had no inflections.

I couldn't tell when he was angry, happy, or sad anymore. They all sounded the same.

'I can't move.' I froze from the neck down, causing the fork I've been using to beat the eggs, to drop from my right hand.

"Turn off the stove." That was his second command.

I used my left to turn it off, moving nothing else besides my hand.

When I felt him move again, I closed my eyes.

"You're trembling."

He said, squeezing the front of my neck while biting the nape lightly. I could feel his breath as he smiled at my natural reaction. "Why?" He inquired as to if it was a total mystery to him.

It was for me as well.

'I am unsure if I'm only letting you do stuff to me because you want to do them or if I want you to do stuff to me at all…' That is what I wanted to say, however, it would all get answered the moment I would get hard sooner or later. Unless I wasn't already, and I simply didn't realize it.

My lower body reacted as my mind melted inside my skull. My whole nervous system went into fight-or-flight mode.

And I did not know why my whole being rapidly registered him as a predator.

'Maybe since he's a bit… dominant…'

"I don't know…" I muttered under my breath.

"Huh…" He licked the same spot as before and then used the hand that was holding the front of my neck to pull my hair and head forwards. Now, I was facing down, with my eyes opened wide in surprise right above the bowl.

He slid the other hand under my shirt, up to my breast as his tongue licked and his teeth bit the back of my neck, relentlessly.

He was taller than me so his hands traveled everywhere with ease, he even had to lower himself just to reach some parts.

Nevertheless, he twisted and pinched my right nipple until it got hard.

And I could feel my face getting redder by the second.

I rested my whole weight on my hands that were still on the counter as my knees felt like mush.

His other hand slipped under my pants and teased me gently.

'Don't do that…' was what I wanted to say. Still, he pinched my skin between his teeth so hard that at the same moment he touched my already hard member, I could feel blood dripping onto the tiled floor.

I moaned from the acute pain and pleasure.

My shaking got worse when he stroked me from inside my pants.

He glued his front to my backside and grabbed my ear between his teeth, and pulled me back using it.

I was standing straight once again. Without even thinking about it.

I was astounded because he has used his teeth to move me.

His right hand pulled the front of my pants down so my member was now free for the entire world to see. Hidden only by his hand.

"Namjoon…" I spoke with embarrassment.

"Yes?" He answered with no change in his voice.

'You said that we'd take it slow.'

The dream I had the previous night flashed in my mind's eye and I could feel my neck getting drier.

"What?" I was chewing on my bottom lip while he released my now painfully hard cock and tugged on my balls to where it hurt too much to keep quiet.

My hand flew to his hand in order to stop it from pure instinct, yet he simply grabbed that one and then the other just to hold them behind my upper back.

'So, I can't stop you? Can I?' I thought as my whole body trembled, half in anticipation, half in reaction to what he's already done.

I remained hard without being able to comprehend the reason.

Namjoon used his free hand to pull and tease my hard-on without mercy again and again. When tears gathered in the corners of my eyes, I begged;

"Stop. Please… Please stop…"

My eyes snapped open. And I almost screamed just after he bit down. He went ahead and whispered in my ear as if nothing was wrong, "But you owe me…"

'You mean…I owe you…this pain?' I asked in my mind.

Close to crying when he started pulling on my erect cock as well. Down, up and sideways. The pre-cum didn't help him keep a tight grip, but it wasn't slippery enough to help me. Though he started twisting and pinching, making it red and swollen, it remained hard. If anything, it got harder. I tried releasing my hands from his one hand, but I wasn't able to move an inch away. His reply to my struggle was to increase the tugging.

"Please…I can't… At least, let me…"

'Cum.' was what I wanted to say, although my eyes remained wide open from the shock of his actions.

'Why am I not getting soft, though? It hurts so much…'

I could feel him getting hard during the time I was hitting his crotch with my behind during my futile struggle. That didn't bother me as much as the size and hardness of it. It was like a huge metal bar was under his pants. Maybe it was my imagination, but it felt even bigger than I remembered.

'He got this turned on by my pain? Why? Why the…'

I unintentionally moaned between breaths that were so sporadic that they left me dizzy.

He played with me some more until I almost came, even when my dick stung. When I was about to, as if he knew, he completely stopped all movements.

My cock was left hanging red and hard in the air as he pushed himself into me until I collapsed on the kitchen counter, spilling the eggs together with the bowl in the process as my right cheek rested against the cold top.

I was terrified that he would just undress me completely and rape me raw when I felt one of his hands hold my head down as the other resumed its place on my cock and stroked painfully and sluggishly.

I felt relief wash over me for a moment before his hard-on rubbed against my still partially covered ass.

We were both still wearing clothes. Although our positions helped me realize that his size would breach my entrance and probably reach half my stomach if it was inside.

He didn't want me to cum quick at all either. He seemed to enjoy being witness to my twisting, turning, moaning, and sweating under the hand that held me inert. Each stroke caused pain and pleasure altogether. Each squeeze made me try to move back and forth myself, considering I was in constant fear that he would just stop altogether.

Just as he grabbed both my balls and hard on simultaneously in his fist and stroked them together, I was about to lose my mind. I felt the saliva that has dripped down my chin without my intention or awareness. It stuck to my face when the friction increased to where my face was also rubbing against the countertop.

His hand was in control of the speed of my orgasm. Therefore, it was excruciatingly slow and violent. Both my legs gave out and all I could see were bright eyes, even if they were still open.

Afterward, I was sure that I'd gone blind.

The pleasure traveled from my lower body to the tip of my toes upwards to my brain and exploded like a bomb inside a furious ocean.

The pleasure could not distract me from the newfound fear.

'It will hurt like hell later…' was the thought that echoed while he milked me dry. Squeezing every drop and collecting it in his hand. The same hand that he placed in front of my lips while the other remained on top of my scalp.

He didn't utter a word and I didn't open my mouth, nor stick my tongue out either.

I couldn't say yes, and for some reason, I didn't want to say no either.

He left me speechless and blind.

I was shaking. Hence, my now limp dick hit the counter's door every single time. Just to add a little more pain when I was trembling a bit too hard while my ass was hitting his hard on concurrently.

His hand didn't move for a while. He gave up easily enough, only to take a step back.

He washed his hands in the sink and then he simply turned the stove back on and cleaned up the spilled eggs.

I felt powerless.

My face was still right-cheek down against the counter and my dick was still out, presumably waiting for him to do something that would cease the ongoing pain. Somehow, I was expecting him to unstick me from the now warm material and punish me for not licking his hand clean.

The panic and pain that got mixed with the euphoric pleasure drained every bit of energy I've had when I was still struggling like a fish on land.

I had no guts to complain. And no natural way to contain the drop that was left of my dignity.

He made me perfectly aware of who and what I was.

'Mold for his hands to hurt and pleasure at will.'

It terrified me to no end.

The fact that he didn't even have to fuck me to completely humiliate and strip me of any remnant of masculinity made me depressed.

'He did it all with such… ease.'

For the past months in which we slept in the same room, ate at the same table, studied the same material, walked the same way to school, showered in the same bathroom, and ate at the same table, I found myself thinking about him as an equal.

Now, I couldn't consider myself a man, or a woman. I was at the mercy of his desire and I couldn't even pinpoint when this reversal of power started and ended in this.

"Are you alright?" He asked, dropping the now-empty bowl in the sink. Then pulled my pants up, and turned me around so I could face him.

I barely kept myself standing when he embraced me.

'Am I a child?'

"Did it hurt that bad?" The innocent question that reached my ears as he gently cleaned my face up with a wet tissue had me hearing a sharp ringing tone that couldn't be real.

"No. I'm just tired." I lied and let him lift me up like I was, indeed, a woman.

Relief embraced me immediately after he laid me down on the futon with more gentleness than I thought he was capable of.

'Where was this carefulness when he was touching me a minute ago?'

"Eat before you nap." Another order slapped me in the face.

He kissed my cheek and then returned to the kitchen area.

I got my backpack and urgently rolled a joint, hoping it would cause me to somehow forget what has just occurred. Unsurprisingly, my neck and my lower parts hurt every time I moved. Even my nipples remained hard and rubbed against the shirt as if it was a bonus to my torture.

"Wash your neck." He said after he casually set two plates on the table. Staring at me during the entire time with the same expression that he had been wearing for a long time now.

I crawled to the bathroom and used his tiny window to smoke my mind away.

I didn't bother to lock the door.

Observing my neck in the mirror before I washed the blood had me considering the shade concealer I should get for the marks.

I wasn't sure what I was feeling, but as I sat down in front of him at the table and watched him read while he sneaked a glance at me occasionally, I knew.

'I'm scared because I liked it as much as I hated it.' That was my train of thought that made the warm food get stuck in my throat. Food, he paid for.

"You, ok? Have some water."

He was holding the glass for me to drink from, and he was rubbing my back in circles to soothe me at the same time.

'But Namjoon wouldn't do anything to hurt me. At least not that badly… I mean, it wasn't so bad after all. Right? I got scared for nothing. Right?'

I somewhat talked myself into a better state of mind as the weed made my body relax.

I was eating, and he was reading.

I was looking around when the door to the bedroom caught my eye. My mind started imagining how we must've looked from the outside.

'If his grandmother was indeed in her room and walked out into the hall, she would have seen a man bent above the kitchen counter, held down and screaming out of pain.'

I set the fork down.

"You didn't like it?"

'Also, hard and moaning from the pleasure…'

"I did. I just want to leave room for ice cream." I said, smiling.

"You and your sweets."

'Hey, Namjoon. You're still hard, aren't you? I know you take at least one hour to ejaculate, even so, why aren't you making me do it? Why are you keeping your distance from me now? And why do you look like you're about to pounce on me at any second at the same time? You're using that book to distract yourself, aren't you?'

I went into the kitchen, took a clean spoon, and opened the freezer. I swallowed the ice cream like it was water, with my back resting against the fridge. Knowing that this is the only spot in which he couldn't possibly see me.

A tear escaped from my eyes, but the weed had me so out of it, that I only noticed it when it hit the spoon.

I dug it back into the ice cream and continued to eat.

'Namjoon wouldn't do anything that he knew would hurt terribly.' I thought. 'He wouldn't. He said he likes me… a lot.'

I thought about this and then used the cold material to soothe my neck.

'He's just mad at me for something. Yes, that must be it.'

With my newfound idea, I got a spoon for him and hurried back to the table.

"Is it any good?" He asked.

"Of course. Have some."

He did.

Namjoon's book was now face down on the table. So, I used this opportunity to take it and hide it under the table. He raised an eyebrow at what I've done.

"Are you mad?" I quickly asked.

"What? No."

"You must be."

"Why would I be mad?"

"I don't know."

"Do I look mad?" He seemed to genuinely ask both me and himself.

"Not… really…"

"Then?"

I abandoned the spoon on the table and rested my back against the wall behind me. Shut my eyes as the whole room started making me dizzy.

"You didn't stop when I said it hurts." I heard myself speaking as if I was talking from inside a dream.

The sound of his spoon hitting the wood followed.

He didn't respond, which made me look, only to see him sliding the back door open so he could look outside.

"Why?" I continued to question him with the courage of a drugged man.

He was resting his chin in his hands while he looked at me with half-opened eyes. I thought he'd avoid the subject entirely, but he didn't.

"Remember when we talked about everybody having their own darkness and stuff? Right here, on the stairs?"

"I do... What about it?"

"Well, you're an addict."

"I know." I smiled a sad smile.

"You enjoy feeling 'out of this world'."

"Aha." I tilted my head at this point. Unsure of where he was going with this.

"And I enjoy making you…hurt… a little."

My mouth opened and closed without a sound.

("They said the guy looked horrible. I mean man, he was black, red, purple, and blue. He couldn't open one eye for a few days. You should go see him; he's still not entirely healed, but he comes to school since his parents are punishing him for protecting Namjoon."

"I saw him. He looks like a rabid animal attacked him. What's ridiculous is that he won't even say a bad word about Kim. I heard he's advising everyone to leave him alone. Saying that it was his fault. That he deserved it. Can you believe it?"

"Wow! That's insane! And this guy used to be a bully! I mean he's a huge dude, but the other guy, Namjoon, doesn't even have a scratch on him! It's not like he had the guy tied up. They were seen in the morning, no less! And yet, looking all beat up and pitiful, he convinced the witnesses to promise not to say another word. That he'll beat them up if they do!"

"I heard he made them sign something, too. What a load of crap…How would he beat them up anyway? Isn't his leg still broken or something?"

"I know, right? I mean, how crazy must that guy Kim Namjoon be?! If no one would've stopped him, I bet he would've killed him. Did you hear what he did to make him this angry, though?"

"No one knows. No one is courageous enough to ask Kim and the other guy won't say. He keeps repeating that it's his fault. He said it in front of the principal while his own mother tried to defend him so I think that's why they're making him come to school."

"Someone told me he said that if we talk to Namjoon we should tell him he's sorry!"

"For what?!"

"He won't say."

"Fuck man. I don't know. But I am not going anywhere near that psycho. If I see him, I'd run like the wind."

"Me too! Ha-ha.")

'Why am I recalling this now? What did I get myself into? I wish I didn't hear them talk at all. I wish we weren't in the same school so hopefully, I would be swimming in blissful ignorance right now

His voice pierced through my thoughts when Namjoon said: "I will try my best not to hurt you, though. Don't worry. If it hurts really bad, then I will make it feel twice as good after," He said with a small, reassuring, yet distant smile.

'I wish I was blind, deaf, and mute.'

"You promise?" I asked with a sad smile of my own.

"I promise."

I looked down at the chocolate ice cream and ate the last spoonful. I wish I didn't though because I couldn't even taste the sweetness anymore.

For the first time in my life, it was bitter.