A/N: You all have me seriously motivated with these reviews, thank you. Here's Chapter 3; hopefully Jay's perspective will help shed some light on some things asked in the reviews…

I should also mention that in terms of timelines, in the '2017' and other 'flashback' sections I will slip in somewhere how long Jay and Erin have been together. In terms of the present storyline '2023' it's going off of how long it's been since their fight in the first chapter. So 'one day after'o is not one day after the last chapter, it's one day since their fight. Lol I am not the best at explaining sometimes so I hope that makes sense?

Enjoy!

Chapter 3: Where I wanna be

"If you only knew how it hurts 'cause you're my other half

this nightmare has become my favourite dream"

2017

"Erin. Talk to me." An exasperated Jay follows her into the bedroom.

Erin shakes her head, pulling the pillows out from their cupboard and placing them under the blanket between where they would be sleeping soon. She needed her space tonight, or she'd end up saying something that she couldn't take back. But, like Jay did best, he was kept pushing her to talk to him; to let him into what was going through her mind.

"I really don't want to do this tonight. It's been a long day; I'm sore and tired, and I really just want to wash this day off me and go to sleep." Erin responds walking into their ensuite bathroom.

Jay watches Erin as she undoes her hair from its tight ponytail, brushing it out and Jay notices the slight wince of pain when she tries to reach for her toothbrush. He's by her side in an instant trying to pull up her shirt but Erin moves quicker than he anticipated.

"Don't." Erin says, tone clipped.

Jay sighs "you can be mad at me all you want, but I'm not leaving you alone until you let me see."

The words spill out before Erin can stop them, "You're already leaving me alone."

Jay pauses, looking away from her for a moment. He knows that she's hurting – that he's hurt her – but only one of those things is in his control right now, and so he focuses back on what he can still fix. He takes a cautious step towards her relieved that she doesn't pull away again. Erin lets him gently lift her shirt up and he tucks the edge of it under her bra, so it'll stay risen. Jay kneels down to observe the bruising that's quickly turned from a coffee colour to a deep purple.

"Erin," his voice is pained, Erin refuses to look at him "this has to be hurting you."

"It's fine." Erin insists "I've had worse injuries."

"Are you really going to be this stubborn?" Jay says annoyed.

Erin glared at her fiancée "That's the pot calling the kettle black, wouldn't you say?"

"I can't change this, Erin. They offered me the gig and I took it. I shouldn't be made to feel guilty about this – you would take it if you were in my position, and you know it!"

"Are you kidding me right now!?" Erin exclaims, matching his raised volume "You accept an undercover gig, one that would keep you away for up to a year and you just expect me to be happy about it? You didn't even tell me you were considering taking it Jay, you just accepted there and then without so much as a discussion!"

"This is our job, Erin! We've always promised not to make the other person change for us; did you really want me to say no to this – to potentially shut down a cartel putting half-a-mil worth of drugs on the street every month; that's pimping out underage girls and using them as drug mules?" Jay yells walking back out into their bedroom.

Erin follows him out, standing in the doorway between the bathroom and bedroom.

"I expected you to at least tell me that you were taking an undercover gig, before I found out with the rest of our team in the bullpen in front of some random FBI agent, making a fool out of myself because I didn't know my own fiancée was taking said gig."

Erin shakes her head, defeated "You know what – just forget it. You don't seem to have a problem walking out that door when it suits you anyways, right? So, go do your assignment and I'll see you whenever you decide you want to come home this time."

She turns around and walks further into the bathroom to take a shower, Jay at a loss as he watches her. He sits on the edge of the bed as realisation hits him.

It made sense now, why Erin had been so furious about him taking an undercover assignment. Yes, she was mad that he hadn't discussed it with her before accepting; he knew he was wrong for that. But now the root of her problem was evident; it had only been two months since Jay had proposed, since he had officially moved back into their apartment. And now, he was uprooting their life again by leaving for this assignment. She was feeling abandoned, and he couldn't blame her.

Jay slowly gets up from the bed, walking towards the now-closed bathroom door and praying that she hasn't locked it. When the handle turns Jay cheers inside, opening the door and quietly stepping inside. He can see her silhouette through the steamy glass, clearly holding her arms around herself and Jay feels his heart ache knowing he's caused her this pain.

He watches her silently as he strips off his own clothing, feet padding gently along the tile as he walks closer to the shower. He slides the shower screen door and sees Erin freeze subtly, the gust of air that enters the warm space alerting her to his presence. Jay steps into the spacious shower and immediately closes the distance between them, standing right behind her – his front pressed against her back.

Erin briefly looks over her shoulder and Jay reaches to the shelf built into the shower wall, grabbing the vanilla and honey body wash; it was his favourite, simply because it smelled of her. It was the last thing he smelled as he faded to sleep, the first when he woke up in their bed, and the scent that wafted through the air when he was following behind her – watching her back – during a bust.

Jay squirted a handful of the body wash onto his palm – the bottle making a loud sound as the air released from it, breaking the tension slightly as they both tried not to burst out laughing at the noise – and he rubbed the substance between his hands before he applied it to her skin. Jay worked slowly, methodical in his movements starting from the top of her shoulders and working his way down. Erin lets out a gasp when Jay's fingers work their way over the bruising on the side of her torso.

"Sorry." He says.

Erin shakes her head "It's fine, skin's just sensitive."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know."

Jay stands back up, having kneeled down to reach the lower half of her body, and Erin turns around as he takes her in his arms. They stand under the stream of hot water, letting it wash away their fight.

"I don't want to lose you." Erin whispers, her words swallowed by the sounds of water hitting the floor.

Jay holds her tighter, Erin resting her head atop his shoulder,
"You don't ever have to worry about that. I'm not going anywhere."

"But you are." Erin says "I'm not mad that you took the assignment, Jay. If I was in your position, I would have too. But I do want us to discuss these things; if we're going to get married, we have to talk about these things. We have to be a team first and foremost."

"You're right. I know that I hurt you, and I'm so sorry for that. I didn't think about how leaving would affect you. But I promise, I'm coming back to you. We have a long and happy future waiting for us, Erin. I'm not giving that for anything."

Erin smiled looking up at Jay "I'm glad to hear it; because I don't want to imagine a future without you. Ever."

Jay leaned down and pecked her lips softly, the kiss quickly escalating. Jay was the first to pull back, concern over Erin's injuries preceding his desires. He leaned his head against hers, noses grazing as they tried to catch their breath.

"Are we okay?" He asks a few minutes later.

Erin's eyes stay closed and she nods "We're okay."

"Good, because I really didn't want to spend the night cuddling your pillows." Jay quips and Erin lets out a hearty laugh, snorting as she does so "God, I love that sound."

"I hope so, because you're going to be hearing it for years to come." Erin smirks.

"I can't wait."

2023 – one day after.

Jay Halstead sits at his desk, filling out the endless paperwork stacked in front of him. He hated paperwork, but it was a welcome distraction today. Keeping his hands and mind busy kept his thoughts from drifting to his personal issues for too long.

Except that every time he glanced up; he saw her desk. He could still see her sitting at it, staring across from hers to him at his old desk. After they had gotten engaged, it became a favourite past-time during mundane hours filling out paperwork to amuse one another by glancing up and seeing if the other person had noticed. They would just stare at the other's head, buried in their work, until their presence was felt, and their partner glanced up to catch their eyes; a smile on their face.

And every time he looked for something he needed on his desk, his eyes flitted across the few frames he had positioned on the edge of the dark wood, their wedding picture present and glaring at him. It was one of very few photos they had of that day. They had kept the ceremony small and intimate; Erin was six months postpartum and she hadn't wanted to wait any longer – Jay had kept putting it off, thinking she was rushing because of what happened during Andrew's delivery, and she had refused to let him push it any further. So, they made a plan and with the help of their team – led by the ever-bossy Mrs Burgess-Ruzek – they wed one sunny afternoon in the park surrounded by their loved ones, their kids by their side. The photo had been snapped by his sister-in-law.

Erin and Jay were about to share their first kiss as husband and wife when Drew had started crying and Erin took him into her arms. Everly then adorably butted in, tugging on Erin's dress and insisting that she be a part of the moment too, if Drew was going to stay in her arms. They had all laughed at that, and as a compromise the two newlyweds shared their kiss between them and their two children, and Natalie had taken a photo right at the moment they shared a four-way 'eskimo kiss'.

His desk held only a few other photos; one was of the day Andrew had been born and the other was of Erin and Jay outside of the courthouse with Everly on the day they officially adopted her. Everly was sitting on his shoulders as Jay wrapped his arms around his then-fiancée in a bear hug.

Jay smiles whenever he thinks of that day. Everly had been an unsuspecting twist to their life plan; one he would have never asked for but was grateful to have received. It was almost five years to the day that he had met her, four years since they adopted her legally – Everly Halstead had taught him more about being a man, being a father, than he had every thought possible. She shifted his entire world so it spun on a new axis, one revolving her and Erin; and at that time, there was nothing he wouldn't do for his girls.

He sets his pen down, picking his phone up and pulling up Erin's contact. Jay stares at the photo he has set for her. She was 20 weeks pregnant, and Jay was working overtime to try and save some extra money for when their son arrived so that he could take paternal leave knowing they had a little nest egg saved up just in case. He had come home especially late one night, having answered a call just before he was scheduled to come back to the station and it had been an intense crime scene.

He still remembers walking into their apartment and the first thing he saw being Erin balled up on the couch with his flannel in her hands, tucked into her chest. He had quietly pulled his phone out and taken a picture before he kneeled down, picked her up and carried her into their bedroom. Erin had stirred as soon as she was jostled into his arms, tiredly protesting that she was far too heavy for Jay to be carrying her around. The words he told her rang through his brain crystal-clear; I would carry you anywhere, Erin Halstead. She had rolled her eyes and tried to fight the smile on her face as she reminded him yet again that she was still not officially Mrs Halstead, despite the fact they had been engaged for almost two-and-a-half years with no wedding date in sight.

Jay feels a weight settle deep in his stomach as he recalls the memory. Nights like those rarely happened after Erin fell pregnant, and no longer existed now that they were parents to two, with busy careers. He would never blame his children for the problems in their marriage – he knew that being a parent came first and everything else was second place to their child's needs – but he would be lying if he said he didn't miss those nights. Coming home to find Erin waiting for him on the couch, sometimes still awake but usually in deep sleep. Something about knowing that she had been waiting up for him to return home safely to her comforted him. He felt needed, in a way he hasn't felt with Erin in a while.

And once again, his argument with his wife replays in his head. He hadn't meant to let their altercation escalate so quickly, so intensely, nor had he meant to blurt out those words in the careless manner he had. Despite the fact that she felt the same way, Jay knew that Erin was hurt by what he had implied. He was upset with himself for hurting her, and he was hurting whenever he thought about the situation they were now in.

Truthfully, divorce had plagued his mind many times over the last year. In moments when he felt most unhappy, when he questioned if he was satisfying Erin and if she was content with the life they were living; he would contemplate if cutting their relationship off before it spiralled further was what was best for her, for both of them. To cut their marriage off at its legs, so she could find someone who made her happy in the way she deserved to be. The way Jay felt he hadn't been able to provide for a while now.

"Hey boss," Antonio knocks on the door frame of Jay's office "we got a case Homicide wants us to take over. Team's already been briefed, ready to head out to the scene."

"I'll be right there."

Antonio notes Jay's distracted tone of voice "You okay?"

"Yeah. Let's go.

Intelligence burst through the doors of a warehouse downtown, hoping to catch members of the drug-ring they suspected of their homicide case off-guard by their arrival. Two bodies left bound and gagged in the park, tongues cut and blindfolds over their eyes, had led the Unit to an up-and-coming gang in Cicero that were distributing shit-quality drugs causing a lot of young kids to either end up in hospital or dead; and of those members of their gang, as well as their 'customers', who threatened their operation? Well, they'd end up like their two victims in the park.

"Chicago PD, everybody on the ground!" Antonio was the first one through the door after Kevin knocked it down.

Most of the men and women inside froze instantly, their hands flying up in the air in surrender – they were part of the distribution line and didn't carry weapons, so they knew better than to fight. Their 'head honcho' – Ryan Myers – had other plans. Jay noticed their offender drawing his weapon as he ran further into the warehouse; Jay, Burgess, Ruzek and Dawson on his tail.

"Myers, stop!" Jay called to no avail.

The man disappeared around a corner, both Jay and Antonio slowed instantly. Antonio signalled to Burgess and Ruzek to back-track, in an effort to block him off if Jay and Antonio could not get him.

Jay put his hand on Antonio's shoulder as he came around to the front, the older detective watching his back. In that moment, Jay couldn't help but remember all the times Erin had done the same thing for him.

They had always worked so well together on an op. One mind shared between their two bodies; they could read each other with only as little as a look. Jay wondered momentarily, when did that change?"

The glistening of silver in his peripheral brought him back to reality too late. The distinct 'Pop!' of a bullet echoed throughout the back of the warehouse, and he felt himself hit the floor as Burgess yelled his name.

Jay groaned as his shoulder made contact with the cold concrete beneath him. He couldn't breathe in fully; Burgess' weight on his chest was stifling.

"Ah! What the hell, man!?" Jay looked up to see Myers in handcuffs, blood streaming from his nose where Antonio had evidently struck him.

"You shot at my partner, bad move." Antonio answered, nodding at Jay "You good?"

"Yeah, thanks to Burgess." Jay said looking at his detective, who had now stood up. She nodded in recognition of his statement as her husband held out a hand to pull Jay up.

"What happened?" Upton asked as she and Atwater rushed in.

"We're good, he got the jump on me." Jay answered looking to Antonio "Sorry, man. I didn't see him in time."

Antonio shakes his head as Myers is carted off by the uniform officers that had arrived on scene "Happens to the best of us."

Jay smiled weakly before handing out instructions to his team. He couldn't help but feel foolish; he was so distracted lately, and it had nearly cost him his life. Jay would never forgive himself if one of his detectives had gotten hurt; if he hadn't come home to Erin and their kids.

The thought made his heart ache, the uncertainty of if he would still be coming home to them after he and Erin dealt with all of this, weighing heavy on his mind. Antonio staring at him concerned, having asked a question that his boss had clearly not heard, broke him from his distracted mind. Jay focused back on his partner, trying to keep his mind from wavering.

He seriously needed to get his head on straight.

…

The team arrived back at the District two hours later. While they had apprehended Myers and the myriads of people in the warehouse helping to pack and move the narcotics, they were far from finishing this case. While Myers may have been running this operation, they knew he wasn't the one calling the shots and, ultimately, not the one who had killed their victims.

"Hey," Antonio called after Jay as they headed up the back stairs "You good?"

Jay nodded rubbing his shoulder "It was just a hard fall, but I'd rather that over a bullet in my chest."

"That's not what I meant." Antonio said, pulling Jay by the arm into the locker room "What's going on with you? You're distracted, and you're rarely distracted. What's the matter, Erin throw you in the doghouse or something?"

Despite Antonio's teasing tone, his boss stayed silent. His eyes were trained on the floor, and he felt his heart drop into his stomach as Jay's dejected character became evident.
"What the fuck's going on?"

"Tony … I can't get into it right now. Not here."

"Do I need to be worried?"

"It's just a fight. A big, unbearable fight. And I don't really know how to fix it right now. We're just taking some time out right now, figuring out what we want." Jay answers despondently.

"Taking some time out? What does that even mean?"

"It means, Erin's saying at the house this weekend and I'm staying … somewhere. I'll figure it out."

"You'll stay with us." Antonio declares firmly.

Jay smiles at his partner "I appreciate that man, but you've got Sylvie's mother is coming to visit and like you said – she already hates you. How do you think she's going to feel if you're boss is crashing on your couch for the weekend? I'll be fine, I'll sort it out."

"… Okay." Antonio hesitates "But tomorrow, you and I are going for drinks."

"Isn't your mother-in-law flying in tomorrow? I gave you the afternoon off to pick her up." Jay asks confused.

"Exactly. One car ride with her is enough of a headache; you and me, tomorrow. Drinks, and lots of them."

Jay manages a laugh at that "Sounds good to me. Thanks Antonio."

"Anytime man."

Jay stares at the key in his hand, contemplating if he should use it. He knows he could; their relationship has grown enough that he didn't need to knock anymore. But Jay realises that inviting himself in for this particular reasoning would probably warrant more questions than he could handle right now.

So, he knocks three times and waits for the shuffling of feet against the hardwood floors. It's a sound he has now come to know as a familiar one; it's the same sound every time and when he hears it tonight, Jay braces himself as the door swings open and he faces the one person he was most scared to face in all of this.

"Hey," Jay chokes out "I- Uh … I was going to use the key, but I didn't want to startle you. I know it's late but … I was wondering if I'd be able to stay here for a few nights."

They stare at one another in silence, Jay worried that he's about to have the door slammed in his face. Despite the way their relationship has developed over the years, a part of Jay would always be scared of his father-in-law.

Hank Voight stared sceptically at the young man, unsure of what to make of this situation. But when he sees the pain in Jay's eyes, he knows that whatever it is; Jay's hurting just as much as Erin sounded like she was on the phone earlier when he had called. But the stubborn woman had not admitted to anything, and Hank wasn't sure that Jay would either.

"You're just in time, I was about to put some steaks on the grill." Hank answers stepping aside as Jay walks in, giving him a grateful nod.

As jay walks up the stairs, assumedly to drop his bags off in Erin's bedroom – the one designated for the couple whenever they stayed over with the kids – Hank can see how tired the man is; like putting one foot in front of the other is a struggle in itself.

And he knows that, whatever has happened, is not like anything the couple has ever faced before.

"But I'd ride with you, die with you
I'd spend my life with you"

A/N: So, now you know that yes Everly was adopted – shoutout to the few reviews I saw which asked about that, I was wondering if anyone would pick up Erin's comment or not!

I know it feels very sad right now, and this chapter feels more dis-jointed than the previous ones to me – but I think Chapter 4 will shed a little bit of light …

What do you guys think about Jay staying with Hank instead? I was worried it might seem a little odd, given the way Hank has always treated Jay – especially before he and Erin got together officially. But I'll shed a little light on their relationship next chapter as well. Jay and Antonio's friendship will also be a big part of this story; I feel like the writers kinda forgot about their relationship as the seasons went on, so I am excited to make it a prominent part of this story hehe

Please leave a review and let me know what you thought AND if there's anything you're hoping to see or are predicting will happen, I want to know what everyone's thinking – do we reckon Linstead are headed for the divorced but still soulmates in a friend way, or for real soulmates happy ever after type?

I'm hoping to keep updating at a steady pace, but my laptop is messing up HARD and it's going in for repairs this week, so hopefully it'll be quick otherwise you probably won't see me for a while … fingers crossed !

Hope you're all having a good week,

- Maddie :)