A/N: Heads up - this chapter was so long, I had to split it between two so good news; there will be another update in the next day or two.

Apologies for any errors, I'm not on my game as of late and I didn't want to delay this chapter any longer.

Enjoy!

Chapter 4: Swimming in a glass half empty

"Tastes so sweet, looks so real

sounds like something that I used to feel"

2017

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Jay asks.

Erin smirks as she eyes the piece of paper "Scared?"

"Never. I'm just worried that once we do this, you won't be able to keep your hands off me. I know how much you love these things." Jay murmurs against the skin of her neck as he wraps his arms around her waist from behind.

Erin resists the urge to moan when his lips press against her skin, kissing her in that one spot that he knows gets to her. She reaches behind her to trapse her hand through his hair, losing herself in the moment briefly.

"If this is your way of trying to get out of this, I'm not complaining."

"Well I sure as hell will, because that design took forever to get how lover boy here wanted it."

Erin and Jay jump apart and turn to look at the tall bald man watching them. They smile apologetically as Erin says, "Sorry Ian."

Ian flicks his hand through the air "Eh, nothing to apologise for. I was young and in love once. That's how I ended up with this one."

Jay and Erin look at the cursive ink lining Ian's arm; 'Always and Forever ~ Edwina, 1994'

"And was it? Always and Forever?" Jay asks curiously.

Ian laughs "More like crash and burn, but I got no regrets about any of it. So, you two ready? Last chance to run."

Erin slipped her hand into Jay's and he looked down at her "I know I was teasing you before, but seriously; if you don't want to, we don't have to."

"No, if you're down then so am I."

"You're sure? It's a big thing, and I know I'm sure, but I won't be upset if you're not."

"Er, I meant it when I said I was in this with you. Not just this, but all of it. I just don't want you to rush into this for the wrong reasons."

"Jay, we've been engaged for nearly three months, dating for two years in total, and partners for four years. This is probably the longest relationship I've ever had; believe me, no one's rushing. I just want to do something special. And this felt special. Permanent. life-binding."

"Babe, I don't leave for another week. We can always –"

"I'm not marrying you as a safety measure. I already told you. We're not starting this marriage off as a contingency plan. And besides, you're coming back to me, right?"

"Always." Jay says pulling Erin against his chest.

Erin smiles "Exactly, so there's no need to hurry."

"Oh, but getting a tattoo because I'm about to leave on a 12-month undercover gig isn't hurrying?" Jay jests.

"Hey, no one's making you do anything. I'm getting one regardless; that way, on those nights that I'm missing you the most; I can look at this and remember that you're always with me – even when you're not. I just thought it could be something special to do together." Erin shrugs and pulls away, walking towards Ian "But, if you'd rather not …"

"Wait, wait, wait- I never said no." Jay says chasing after her "Ian, I'm first."

…

Erin's smile is a permanent fixture for the night, and it makes Jay's heart double in size. He can't recall a time when he's ever seen her this blissfully happy. After their tattoos, they went for a late dinner at their favourite restaurant – the Purple Pig – and Jay finally got the truffles he's been joking about since the early days of their partnership.

It was approaching three in the morning; they had only gotten home a little while ago. Erin was in the bathroom washing up while Jay had simply brushed his teeth and stripped down to his boxers before flopping into bed to wait for her. It took another twenty minutes before Erin came out of the bathroom; face washed, hair and teeth brushed, changed out of her clothes and night-serum applied. She felt relaxed and ready to crawl into bed and cuddle up to her fiancée, but her plan was cut short when she saw the amusing position that he was in.

Jay had given into his exhaustion; his mouth hung upon as his head fell back against the pillow, snoring louder than usual, and his body was leaning half over the edge of their bed threatening to tumble off at a moment's notice. Erin stifled her laugh so as not to wake him – he had a big night, and she knew he was fading towards the end but didn't want to cut wonderful their evening shorter than she was ready for. So she left him sleep while quietly, and as slowly as possible, got on the bed and lay down; Erin gently pulled at Jay's arm to try and get him to move closer to her.

"Huh?" Jay stirs slightly when Erin pulls him harder, his body rolling into hers and away from the edge of their bed.

"You're about to roll off the bed, doofus." Erin rolls her eyes as Jay rests his head atop her chest "I don't know how you haven't injured yourself in your sleep yet. I swear, you're a freaking ninja in your dreams. you move around way too much, especially when I like being close to you."

Jay's drowsy grin is felt against the exposed skin of her chest "you didn't have to manhandle me for a cuddle, Er. All you have to do is ask."

Erin smiles and gently removes Jay's body from his position half on top of her when his light snores start up again. She had ignored Voight's message the entire evening, not wanting to think about work stuff, but she knew if she didn't reply he'd show up here in the morning and drag her in on their day-off. She types out a quick reply, ready to press send when she feels Jay's hands on her waist. Erin squeals when her partner drags her by the hips and she barely manage to drop her phone on the bedside table before he's pulling her into his body once more.

"What are you doing?" Erin giggles.

Jay rest against her again, his head resuming its position atop her chest where he can hear her heart beating. He sighs contently and holds her tighter,

"I love that sound. And I like being close to you too."

"Just like?"

"love. I love everything about you, Erin Halstead."

Erin kisses the top of his head and smiles "You're getting a bit ahead of yourself there, but I do like the sound of that. Or maybe I'll hyphenate."

"Lindsay-Halstead?" Jay scrunches his nose "That sounds like a corporation. Our kid cannot have a corporation for a last name, babe."

Erin freezes beneath him "You think about kids?"

"Of course, I do." Jay lifts his head to look at her "But, if you don't want to have kids we don't have to."

"No, I do. I mean it's not something I ever really thought about before you. I used to think if I got pregnant it would be to someone like Charlie, and that's not a life I ever wanted to give a child. So, I resigned myself to the fact that kids weren't on the cards for me. But with you- I want everything with you, Jay. I really do."

Jay smiles and rests his head back down "Well that's good, because I want everything with you too."

"You know, kids take a lot of practice to make…" Erin trails off as Jay kisses the top of her breast.

"We should probably get started then, huh?" He murmurs against her.

Erin chuckles hearing the sleep in his voice "We can start tomorrow. I think you've had enough adventure for tonight, sleepyhead."

"It was a good adventure." Jay says as he finally succumbs to his exhaustion.

Erin looks down at the space just above the crook of her elbow on her left forearm, then to the same space on Jay's right arm draped over her. She smiles at the little scrabble tile with each other's initials that was now etched into their skin forever – an homage to one of the defining moments of their friendship – when he trusted her enough to confide in her about his problems – and of their partnership – when she had first made the 'scrabble' joke that has long-since become an inside joke between the two of them. It was a symbol of so much to the both of them; a small, innocent moment compared to the grand scale of their relationship – but now one that would be a part of them forever.

"Yeah," Erin murmurs into his hair "It was a really good adventure. The first of many."

2023 (two days later)

The smile on Erin's face fades as soon as her eyes open. The empty space next to her in bed haunts her. She glances at the clock on Jay's bedside table; she still has an hour before the kids need to be woken up. Erin rolls onto her back and stares up at the ceiling, contemplating calling in sick and staying in bed for the rest of the day. But she knows her mind will go crazy the longer she sits here.

Erin pulls the covers back off her body, shivering as the morning air hits her skin. She quickly and quietly changes into her gym clothes, checks on Andrew first and then Everly, leaving a note for her daughter in case she woke up. Erin uses her key to turn the lock of the front door as she shuts it, so it doesn't wake either of her children. She tucks her EarPods in, sets her music to shuffle and runs.

Each pounding of her foot against the concrete sidewalk releases a bit of tension from her body. Running had always been a comfort to Erin; ever since she was a young girl, it had been a way to get out of her own head – all she focused on was the feeling of her feet hitting the floor, her heartbeat pounding up to her ears and the landscape in front of her. It provided a relief from all her problems, if only for a short while.

As Erin turned the corner, she saw the park, slowing her run to a jog as she contemplated cutting through it like she used to. Before she fell pregnant with Andrew, Jay and Erin used to run through the park together. They would get up at six o'clock every morning and run side-by-side while Everly stayed with their neighbour – a sweet older lady by the name of Mary. It was a routine they had initiated when they moved into their house, wanting to make sure they could spend some time together.

It had changed once she fell pregnant; her run became a slow jog and eventually a tired waddle as her body grew to accommodate the little human she was housing. Jay would still go for his morning run while Erin and Everly walked behind him and hung out at the park until he was done. But once Andrew was born, they were both so exhausted that their routine ceased all together; until one morning Jay decided to get up and go for a morning run and Erin stayed home with the kids.

Erin stops completely, bending over in an attempt to catch her breath as she tries to push the thoughts out of her head. There were so many little things, routines that they had let go of without really noticing but this was one that Erin loved so much. Now, Jay went to the gym most afternoons with Antonio, and Erin ran alone in the morning while Jay slept or caught up on some work.

She felt her throat tighten and her eyes grow itchy with unshed tears. Erin shook her head, looking at her phone and turning the volume up further as she pushed her feelings back down and took off towards her house. Now was not the time to lose it – her kids were waiting for her.

…

Everly Halstead dragged her feet down the stairs later that morning. Her groans echoed through the kitchen as she entered, and her mother smiled amused.

"Morning Ev." Erin chuckled softly.

Everly grunted in response, walking over to Erin and resting her head against her chest. Erin wrapped one arm around her daughter as she drank out of her coffee cup with the other. She rubbed Everly's back lightly while she took the time to appreciate this moment.

Mornings like this happened quite often – her daughter was definitely not a morning person – but it never failed to remind Erin of when she had first brought Everly home, and the way the little girl would burrow herself against Erin's body whenever she sought comfort. Each morning that Everly did this, it brought Erin straight back to the seven-year-old little girl she had met so many years ago.

"It's too early." Everly groaned.

"It's 7:45. I already let you sleep as long as possible." Erin's laughter vibrated against her daughter's cheek "Where's your brother?"

"Still asleep. Lucky bastard." She mumbled back.

Erin tapped her hand against the back of Everly's head "Hey, watch the language missy."

She heard a tired, mumbled "sorry" from her daughter as she clearly struggled to fight the tiredness she still felt. Erin shook her head, knowing that within the hour the fourteen-year-old would be alert and full of energy.

"You sit and have your breakfast while I get him." Erin instructs her daughter.

she climbs the stairs two at a time and reaches Andrew's door in time to see him trying to hop over the railing of his bed.

"little man, what do you think you're doing?" Erin exclaimed, amused.

Andrew froze in his spot, a sheepish grin on his face as he watched her son frozen in mid-air with one leg halfway over the railing of his bed, struggling to push himself up with enough momentum to get the rest of his body over to the other side. Her little guy was so damn cheeky; definitely a Halstead trait.

"I wanted to get out, mama." he simply says.

Erin shakes her head walking over to her son and helping him to the ground,

"You know you're not supposed to climb over the railing Andrew. It's there for your safety, remember? If you fell out of the bed in your sleep, or trying to get down in the morning, you could hurt yourself – and that would make mama really sad." she tries to keep a stern voice, despite the amusement bubbling inside of her from her son's antics.

Andrew nodded, looking down at the floor "I'm sorry."

"I know you didn't mean to worry me, Drew-Bear. I just need you to try and remember for next time, alright?" Erin gently asks.

He nods again and Erin scoops her son up in her arms, tickling the side of his ribs lightly as she does so. Andrew giggles and it instantly makes her heart feel lighter; who knew you could love another person so much?

Children had never really been a part of her plan. She never saw herself as being any type of mother other than the one Bunny was to her. But being with Jay changed all that. Motherhood was a journey she never wanted until he came along, and she saw what their future could be, and now she wouldn't give up this part of her identity for anything. Erin had chosen this path as much as it had chosen her.

"Come on, Ev's getting cereal ready. You feel like cereal or muesli?"

"Co-Pops!" Andrew happily chanted the moniker for 'coco pops' that he and Jay had coined, back when their son's enunciation was not as well-developed.

Erin chucked softly and kissed the top of her son's head, "Alright, Co-Pops it is."

…

It took half an hour of wrangling a manic Andrew and half-asleep Everly before they were finally out the door, in the car and on their way to school. Erin had been able to push all the concerning thoughts that were running through her mind to the side during all that chaos. Until her daughter asked an innocent question.

"Can you remind Dad to pick up my guitar from Uncle Will? I got to practice for our performance next week."

"Actually, your Dad's not going to be picking you up. I am."

Everly frowns "Dad always picks us up on Fridays. And when he doesn't, he calls or tells us before we go to school."

"Well, for today it's me; sorry to disappoint." Erin keeps her tone light, joking.

"Is everything okay? You guys have been acting weird since I got back."

Erin tried her best to give her daughter a reassuring smile "It's all good, Ev. don't stress it. I'll pick up your guitar I promise."

"Okay. You're still acting weird though."

Everly shrugged and looked down at her phone. Erin breathed a sigh of relief, not wanting her daughter to keep pushing. The last thing Erin needed was for Everly to see through her façade; she wasn't in the right head-space to even attempt to try and explain all of this to her child.

Jay enters the kitchen the next morning rubbing the sleep from his eyes as his former boss/now father-in-law places a cup of coffee on the breakfast table. Jay nods gratefully and takes a sip. He didn't realise just how tired he was.

"You sleep alright?" Hank asks.

"Yeah. Didn't realise how much my body appreciated a night without kids waking me up every ten minutes." Jay laughs.

"Speaking of that; are you going to tell me why you were on my doorstep instead of your own?"

"It's … I don't know what it is. All I can tell you for certain, is that Erin and I have a few things we need to work out."

"You two are the exact same." Hank shakes his head.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"She said the same thing to me when I spoke to her last night."

Jay snaps back to attention "You spoke to her? How- how is she?"

"She sounded about as good as you look."

Hank focuses in on Jay's face. He was used to seeing the young man looking pretty tired – it was an expected side-effect that came with being a parent – but there had always been this happiness on his face. Like he wouldn't trade it for all the hours of sleep this life had to offer. In recent years, that light in his eyes had been replaced with a type of stress that Hank was all too familiar with. It was a burden of their job – but now, Hank was beginning to think that maybe, it was more than just the job.

"Do I need to be worried, Halstead?"

the use of their last name took Jay by surprise. Hank very rarely called him that anymore, especially once he and Erin were married since usually, she would answer as well – an action that never failed to make Jay's heart soar in pride and his lips set in the biggest smirk he could bare. But when Hank called him 'Halstead' as opposed to 'Jay' it was usually because he was trying to assert dominance in the situation; because he wanted answers and addressing him by his last name made Jay feel like he was back in the Army reporting to his superior officers.

"Your unit is in good hands, Hank. I would never let my personal life affect the job; you know that."

"I do, and you know that is not the part of your life I am concerned about." Hank narrowed his eyes at his son-in-law.

Because they both knew that Jay was more than equipped to run the unit, despite everything else going on behind the scenes. Hank was more concerned that Jay was putting too much focus on his career, to ignore whatever was going on between him and Erin. And that it would result in Jay's marriage, and the heart of the woman he considered his daughter, being the biggest casualty of all.

"I can't answer that, because I don't know. I don't know anything right now. I'm not sure that I ever did."

…

Jay spends the rest of the morning upstairs in their room. It was still such a foreign thought to him; that not only did Hank Voight let him sleep in his house, with Erin in the same bed, but that he had designated this room to them – Erin's old room. It was weird to think that he had become so ingrained in the life of a man who he had first despised; disagreed with constantly and judged harshly for his (sometimes non-existent) biased application of the law.

but nearly ten years later, he would be proud to call Henry Voight a member of his family. His father-in-law, his children's Poppa and his wife's father – Hank had done everything in his power to protect Erin and their family, and he had grown close with Jay as they continued to work together, and when Jay took over for Hank after his retirement. The fact that Voight would trust him with not only his daughter but his unit, the two most important things in his life, gave Jay a feeling of acceptance that he been seeking from the older man since he was first partnered with Erin.

Erin's name lighting up his Apple Watch took Jay by surprise and when he walked over to his phone and confirmed that he wasn't hallucinating, he felt his anxiety spike that something had gone wrong. They had agreed not to call talk this weekend unless it was an emergency. He forwent the niceties, answering his phone and instantly asking,

"Is everything okay?"

Her voice sounded muffled through the Bluetooth speaker, but it didn't fail to put his heart at ease "Yeah, sorry. I know we're … taking some space, but I wanted to know if you were still okay to pick up the kids today? Ev seemed kind of suspicious that I was going to do the pick-up, and I know Drew's going to be fussy about it too – but if you've got plans I'm happy to-"

"No! I- I kind of assumed I would still pick them up. I didn't really think about it." Jay said sheepishly "I can do it. I'll drop them off in the evening, might take them to the park or something."

He could hear the smile in Erin's words "Okay, sounds good. Uh, Evie said to remind you to not forget her guitar? Apparently, she left it at Will and Nat's. I can grab it if you're not able to though."

"I can swing past before work, his house is on the way."

"On the way? Going to Will's from Tony and Sylvie's is, like thirty minutes further out of the way from the District."

Jay cursed inwardly "Uh, I'm actually at Hank's. He's letting me stay here for the weekend."

"Hank's?"

"Well, Tony's got his mother-in-law staying with him, Kim and Adam's place is barely big enough for the four of them."

"Oh. Okay."

Jay frowns at her tone "Is that a problem?"

"I just didn't want to tell Hank what was going on with us, not until we knew. You know how he can get. At least his phone call last night makes more sense, now."

"I didn't tell him anything."

"I know. I just would've rather he not be worrying about this."

"I'm sorry Er, I really didn't think it would be an issue."

"It's not. It's fine. Don't worry, really."

"Er-"

"Jay, I'm about to head into work. I gotta go. Seriously, don't stress it okay?"

"Yeah, okay. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"See you then." Erin hung up before they could say another word, and Jay groaned.

He really didn't think staying with Hank would be a big deal. He didn't want to deal with his friends' questions and concerns – though he knew it was coming from a place of good intentions. He wasn't ready to sit and explain everything, because he had no idea what 'everything' even was. But he realised that, in the same way he didn't want to worry their closest friends, Erin probably didn't want the same thing with Hank. And by showing up on his doorstep last night, he had dragged his father-in-law into their mess.

As Jay walked down the stairs, he felt his Watch pulse against his skin and lifted his arm to see the 'breathe' app notification; "A minute of deep breathing can reduce stress."

Jay rolled his eyes as he continued out of the house. Like that would fix anything.

The desktop of Erin's work computer distracts her the entire day. The team currently had no active case in the Special Prosecutions Bureau which meant Erin's day was instead spent filling out paperwork, reviewing incident reports and finalising their 'to-close' cases.

Erin's partner and friend, Laura Nagel, waited for her at the doorway to their office.

"Hey, you okay? You seem more out of it than usual."

"Just a rough couple of days." Erin says shutting down her computer and following Laura out.

"Anything I can help with?"

"In the vault?" Laura smirks, agreeing.

Erin still hesitates, looking around to make sure no one is close behind them "How did you and Michael know you should divorce?"

Laura's eyes widen and she stops short outside of the offices "Are you and Jay…"

"No!" Erin exclaims "Well, maybe. I don't really know."

Erin continues the journey to her car, but Laura grips her arm stopping her "Erin, what's wrong? Why are you asking me about divorce if you and Jay are supposedly okay?"

"It's a long story. Just forget it, I shouldn't have asked."

"No, that's not what I'm trying to say Erin. I just mean, if something's wrong then talk to me. You asked me a question and I'm more than happy to answer, but I also need to make sure I'm not adding fuel to an unnecessary fire."

"I get it. I just- I don't know, I really don't. We had a fight a few nights ago, and we're taking the weekend apart. Trying to figure out everything in our heads before we make any real decisions."

"Understandable. There's a lot at stake."

"Exactly." Erin sighs "I just don't know what I want; what are my options here?"

"Look, this sounds like a conversation to be had … well, not in the middle of the carpark outside a law firm." Laura chuckles "Why don't you come over tonight? We can discuss everything then and I can try and help you with the whole 'what are my options' question."

"Kim's already coming to the house; I kind of promised her a run-down of everything too. Plus, I've got the kids tonight."

"Perfect, I'll bring Phoebe with me and we can talk while the kids distract get up to no good. This way you have both Kim and I there to offer two different perspectives."

"Sounds kinda perfect, actually."

Erin smiles at her partner; over the last three years since they'd started working together the two women had grown incredibly close – bonding over their shared experiences as mothers, as well as survivors. Their friendship felt kismet. And it was one Erin was grateful for every day.

Laura heads towards her car but winks back at her partner "I got the booze."

Jay watches his son go down the slide, Andrew's excited squeal echoing through the park. Everly sat on the grass next to him, hands gripping the new book she was currently invested in. His daughter had always been an avid reader; since he had first met her, she always had her nose in a book. Jay still remembers the therapist's words to he and Erin; "sometimes children of trauma and neglect need an outlet, a way to escape. For Everly, it's books. It's not a bad thing, as long as you make sure she's talking about her feelings to you two or someone she trusts."

"How was your day, peanut?" Jay asks.

Everly rolls onto her back, laying her book flat on her stomach as she looks at Jay

"Dad, I'm fifteen. Do you still have to call me peanut?"

"Let's get a few things straight here; you're still fourteen young lady. And regardless, you're always going to be my peanut. So, you better get used to it."

Everly rolls her eyes, lifting her book above her to continue reading.

"Is that a new book?"

Evie pulls her book back to her chest, looking up "Dad, is everything okay?"

"Isn't that what I was asking you?"

"No, you asked how I am. I'm asking if everything is okay."

"Geez, you get your smartassery from your mum, don't you?"

"Don't deflect, Dad. And smartassery isn't a word."

"It's definitely not one you can be saying missy."

"Seriously?" Evie scoffs "you're acting just as weird as mama was this morning. I know something's going on; you aren't fooling anybody."

Jay looks at his daughter in surprise "When did you get so perceptive?"

"You always call Mama to wish us good morning if you're not home. Today's the first day you didn't." Everly tries to sound casual, but he can hear the upset in her voice.

Jay leans down next to his daughter, taking her book out of her hands so she looks at him. He glances over at Andrew, who's still distracted playing on the slide with his friends, then turns back to his eldest.

"I'm sorry I didn't call, Ev. I know it makes you worry." Jay takes her hand in his.

"I'm worrying because you won't tell me what's wrong."

Jay sighs "It's a grown-up thing, Ev. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the only answer I have right now. Your mum and I are just trying to figure some stuff out, and we can't really give you the answers you're looking for until we do."

"But, you guys are okay?"

Jay looks into Evie's eyes, his heart lurching into his throat as he looks at his daughter. They had made a promise long ago to never lie to one another; he and Erin stopped being completely honest with each other a long time ago, but he has never broken that promise with his daughter.

"I promise, no matter what we decide, we're all going to be okay."

Evie nods at his answer, letting Jay pull her into a brief hug before she continues to read her book when Drew calls out for him.

"Daddy, monkey bars!"

Jay plasters a smile on his face as he heads towards his little boy, but the guilt sets heavy in his stomach. It wasn't technically a lie, because he believed what he was saying. But it didn't lessen the bitter taste in his mouth.

"God, I missed wine." Erin laughs at her best friend's almost sensual moaning.

"Do you two need a minute alone?" She nods towards Kim and the wine bottle clutched in her hand.

"Don't tempt me." Kim pulls the bottle tighter against her chest.

Laura laughs beside her holding out her glass "Well at least pour me some before you run off into the sunset with our Merlot."

Kim pouts but obliges, pouring the Investigator a generous amount of wine. She offers Erin again, who repeats her earlier 'no'. Wine always made Erin loopy; she was more than happy to stick with hard liquor. There was not as many chances these days to get to Molly's with the Intelligence Unit, or even Kim and Laura; opportunities for Erin to sit back and suck down a smooth glass of Whiskey were rare, so she would treasure the time with her friends for as long as she had them tonight.

"So, what's going on with you and Jay?"

Erin sets her glass down, fiddling with the wedding band on her finger "We had a fight."

"You and Jay have had marital spats before though." Laura says.

"This was different. It felt different."

"Different how?" Kim questions.

"Like it was the last marital spat we might ever have."

Laura rolls her eyes "Oh come on, it's you and Jay. Surely it can't have been that bad."

So, Erin explains the story of that night. The domino effect that started their fight. The dead silence and shared hostility the entire drive home. The way she blew up the second they entered the front door. The words they threw back and forth and the final ones he threw at her. The moment she walked out the door. And the fact that he didn't follow after her.

"It's been two days and we've barely spoken about it. We've not really spoken about anything." Erin mutters.

"That's why you were asking me about my divorce earlier?" Erin nods.

"Do you really think that's where you've reached already?"

"Honestly? I don't know."

Erin zones in on her best friend, sitting silently on the other end of the couch staring into her glass.

"Spit it out, Kimberley."

Kim looks up at her confused "What do you mean?"

"We've been friends too long for me to not know the face you make when you want to say something but are trying not to."

Kim hesitates "Okay, but just hear me out first alright? I don't want you to take this the wrong way."

"You know I always listen to you, Kim. Just tell me what you have to say."

"Maybe, you should consider it. But not just divorce; sit and look at all your options and then make an informed choice. Talk to Jay and see what he feels best with, and then come to the decision together. I don't want you to just remove the possibility of divorce from your head because you think you owe it to other people to stay together. But also, don't think that divorce is the only option just because it seems easier than actually talking it out and working through your shit."

"What do you mean by that?" Laura interjects confused.

"I mean- look, do you remember when I called off my engagement with Adam?" Erin nods "At the time that was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was what he and I both needed. If I hadn't called it off, and we had just gotten married anyways … we wouldn't have lasted. That time apart was what made Adam realise that he needed to step up for me, and for himself. It taught me that I needed to be more assertive in saying what I want and telling Adam how I was feeling. In the end, breaking up is part of what brought us back together the second time around. We wouldn't be where we are now without having left one another first."

"So, you think I need time apart from Jay in order to come back to him?"

"I think that you need to know it's okay to leave if you want to. You're my best friend Erin, and I'm saying this because I don't want you to make a decision only to look back on it and wonder why the hell no one ever told you it was okay to do what was going to make you happy, rather than doing what was best for everyone else"

Kim sits forward taking Erin's hand in hers

"I know you love Jay, and you want what's best for your kids; but don't let them be the reason you stay in this. Choose Jay because you want to be with him. Not because you don't want to raise your kids in a 'broken home'. It sounds so obvious but … I wish someone had told me all those years ago that it was okay to choose me over my relationship; maybe I wouldn't have waited as long as I did to call things off with Adam, or to fix things with him again. You know I love the both of you; if you want to stay or if you want to leave, you have my help and support either way. As long as you're doing what feels right to you."

"We've been like this for a long time, Kim. Fractured, but not completely broken. Neither of were willing to admit it, and now we have no option left but to face it. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to."

Erin squeezed Kim's hand tightly as she tried to gain her composure, suddenly whispering "I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"What if- what if he doesn't want this? Want me?"

"And what if you still want him?" Kim smiles sadly as Erin nods.

"I know he loves me, but I don't know if he wants me anymore."

Laura leans in, hand on Erin's shoulder "First of all, if he doesn't want you- if he thinks he can do better than Erin-Freakin-Halstead? Then he's lost his damn marbles." they all chuckle at her sentiment

"However, if that ends up being the case, then you have us by your side to help you pick up the pieces and figure out how you move forward. But, honestly, I don't think it's going to come to that."

"I don't know what it's going to come to anymore. I never thought Jay and I would end up here, ever. And yet here we are."

"Erin, forget about where you are. Forget about what Jay may or may not want. Listen to yourself, to your heart and your head – what is it telling you?"

Erin takes a minute, closing her eyes and savouring the company and support of her two friends. She reflects on her life with Jay; nearly ten years of partnership and friendship, love and loss; but she would never have been able to do it without him. It wasn't that Jay was her 'other half'. She knew she was whole without him, but he was the one who walked alongside her in that journey.

He stood by her side, rarely pushing or judging, always supporting and understanding. Jay didn't complete her; but he complimented her. Their life together wasn't the thing they needed to feel whole. It was a life that they had chosen to build together in spite of everything that had threatened to tear them apart along the way.

She knew in her heart that, while she may not need him, she wanted Jay – there was no one else that she would rather have holding her hand through this crazy life. She's known it since the day she met him that she didn't want to lose him. She knew what she wanted even in the moments after they fought; but Jay seemed unsure and so she became unsure.

Erin knew it now, firmly and without a doubt, that she didn't want to lose what they could have and what they once were. She wanted everything with him; but they needed to find a new way forward.

"I want our future; I want what we could have, and what we have now – flaws and all. There's no one else I want. But we have a long way of figuring out how to get there. And I don't know if he'll be as receptive to starting that process."

Laura smiles hopefully at her "Well, you'll never know unless you try."

"We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me

trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat."

A/N: sorry for the wait between updates. I kind of just needed a break from everything lately – my uni and work schedule is full-on right now and I'm taking care of my mum and then someone hit my car in the middle of the night and drove off so I had to deal with that … so, yeah, writing has just not been at the forefront of my to-do list currently :/ but I am going to try my hardest to get back into an updating schedule, it might take me some time but I promise this story and my others will not be abandoned.

I really wasn't sure about how to move through the scenes in a more organic manner, so this chapter feels a bit chop and change to me – but hopefully it reads well enough?

Next chapter (posting tomorrow or the next day): A little bit more Erin-Kim-Laura, Jay's night with Antonio. Erin and Jay make a decision, but will they both agree on it?

Questions: What did you think of the tattoos? Do you know where Erin's ended up in her career? What did you think of Kim's advice, and what do you think Antonio's advice might be?

Please drop a review and let me know what you think – it seriously helps so much.

Hope you're all having a good week and staying safe x