Chapter 6: It's not fine

'We left our love in ash

where a mighty fire once had roared'

September 2017

Erin tried her best to give Margaret a warm smile as she walked through the main doors of the gym. The receptionist was always friendly, Erin knew she was one of the few people in her life who didn't act that way because she felt sorry for her.

Jay had been gone for nearly four months and Erin felt like she was slowly becoming a shell of who she once was. The days were manageable; Erin had begun helping Antonio out at the gym teaching self-defence classes since he was now a trainer short as Jay usually ran the evening sessions. She was also helping Antonio manage his books and filling in wherever needed. Between the gym and Intelligence, Erin's mind barely had time to reflect on the fact that her fiancée was holed up with some seedy gang members doing god knows what with god knows who.

But the nights? The nights were inescapable.

If this had been ten years ago, Erin would've been half a prescription bottle deep in Oxy by now; but she wouldn't do that to Jay and more importantly, to herself. Erin had too much to lose now and she had promised Jay that she would be strong for the both of them. That she would maintain their life here for when he came back to her.

And while she could keep her mind busy enough during the day she couldn't run from her own thoughts when she lay in bed late at night and begged her body to drag her brain quickly in to deep sleep. Visions of Jay; cold, bloodied, eyes wide open and staring into her soul – they shook her to the core and had her waking up screaming most nights. It was hard to be hopeful when she hadn't heard a single piece of information in the last four months since he had been gone.

Saying goodbye had nearly broken her. Jay had basically pried himself out of her grip, kissing her face everywhere he could until the last second before he was being called into the van that would take him to his new apartment. The team had been taking shifts; checking in on Erin at home and making sure she wasn't driving herself crazy thinking about the worse-case scenarios. Kim would bring takeout over every Friday and they would and watch a cheesy rom-com – Erin's guilty pleasure. The unit came over second Tuesday and spread out on the living room floor together playing whatever board game Kevin had gotten off his siblings that evening. Hank and Alvin would keep her company every Sunday with family dinners.

Monday afternoons were probably the one day Erin truly looked forward to. She taught self-defence classes back-to-back for four hours straight; it was usually the one night that her body and brain were both so exhausted they wouldn't put up much of a fight when her head hit the pillow. It was 4:30 and the second class was wrapping up.

Erin wasn't sure what made her look at the third window from the left. But when her eyes met the piercing green ones peeping through the dusty old window she couldn't look away. The young girl's face suddenly dropped out of sight, eyes wide and panicked as s she moved away from the dirty glass. Erin frowned, unsure of what she had seen.

"Uh, okay that's it for today ladies. I'll see you next week." Erin said finishing the class a few minutes early. She smiled and nodded as each of the women thanked her on their way out and the next class came in.

Erin gulped down as much water as she could while the third class filed in, peeping glances at the window to see if the green orbs had been a figment of her imagination or something more. As she got into the swing of things with her third class, walking around to check everyone's form, she saw a figure in the corner of her eye. Erin quickly turned her head, spying the little girl again.

"Amy, take over the next routine for me? I'll be right back." Erin said to one the regulars in her class before rushing out the door.

The staff at the gym looked at her confusedly as Erin ran through the facility like a madwoman. She rushed outside and turned the corner in time to see a short figure with curly brown hair and a purple backpack turn down one of the streets further up. Erin walked up to the window that the girl was looking through, noticing a candy bar wrapper on the floor. She eyed the contents for a moment before depositing it into a nearby bin and heading back inside.

"Everything okay?" Margaret asked.

"Actually, can I ask you for a favour?"

…

Everly Collins carefully peeked out from the alley, making sure no one saw her. Yesterday had been too close a call. She wasn't supposed to get noticed, or DCFS would try to place her with one of those lame foster families again. They didn't care about her; they just wanted their government funding for housing her. None of them worried about where she was, or what she was up to. So, Everly had decided that if she was going to live a life on the street, she would need to learn how to protect herself. for the last three weeks, she had gone undetected. But she had tried to get a better view at the instructor and that's when their eyes met.

When she saw the pretty blonde lady – Erin, she had learned three days ago that was her name – walk into the building, Everly knew she the coast was clear. Her father's watch told her that class would be starting in three minutes. Erin was always punctual; class never started late and ran for exactly 87 minutes so that Erin had a 6-minute break between each of her classes.

The watch read 1:29 and Everly moved quickly from her hiding spot in the alleyway one street over to crouch by the wall with the perfectly-positioned window; it's lower height gave Everly the perfect position to sit in on the classes and easily take notes without getting caught – she didn't have the kind of money you probably needed for those classes.

"I was wondering if you'd come back today." Everly jumped at the voice.

"How did you … Where did you …" Everly looked around her confused. Hadn't she just watched Erin go inside a few minutes ago?

"We have a back exit, I snuck out after I dropped my bag off." Erin smiled kindly at her "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Just thought you might like a snack."

Everly looked at the candy bar in Erin's hand – milky way, her favourite.

Erin held the candy bar out to her, that kind smile still on her face. Everly looked between the woman and the candy bar, trying to pre-empt if this was a trap of a genuine gesture. She had been tricked too many times in the last eight months. But when her stomach sang out in hunger she snatched the chocolatey goodness for herself and indulged happily.

"I'm Erin, by the way."

"… Everly." she said, mouth full.

"It's nice to meet you, Everly. Now, you mind telling me why you're watching my self-defence classes every afternoon instead of being in school?"

"I don't think that's any of your business." she sassed.

Everly watched as Erin fumbled around with something in her back pocket;

"Actually, it is." She flashed a police badge "So, you wanna try that again?"

'Oh crap' Everly thought 'You just had to spy on a cop, genius.'

2023 (five days after)

Doctor Sara James sat across from her new patients, observing their silent movements. She noted the husband, Jay, sitting rather stiff – like he would rather be anywhere else in the world than a counsellor's office. This wasn't unusual, or surprising in the slightest. In fact, it was more common than most people would ever think. Society taught men that they had to be strong, that showing emotions was a sign of weakness. Vulnerability was too 'feminine' a concept for the male persona to adopt, and so it was quite often that when a couple came into her office the husband would usually be the more reluctant to engage in the sessions. It always took time, but they would either learn to open up and actively work to fix their relationship or double down on their stubbornness and be the reason for its complete breakdown. Looking at Jay Halstead, Sara got the feeling that he wanted to fix things just as much as his wife did; but there was ultimately something holding him back.

The wife, Erin, seemed more receptive – but her body language told Sara that she was also feeling unsure in this environment. Whether it was for the same reasons as her husband – or that she was just not comfortable being in here with her husband – Sara couldn't yet determine. Erin so far had been the one to do most of the talking. When Sara asked a question, it was usually Erin who gave an explanation as answer. She kept looking over at her husband expectantly and Sara could see the tinge of disappointment in her eyes when he didn't answer the questions.

Their body language spoke volumes. Jay and Erin sat as far away from one another on the couch as they possibly could. Yet, Jay sat with one leg crossed over the other in Erin's direction. Erin kept her arms across her chest, but they were more wrapped around her mid-section than they were crossed in a closed-off manner. It was almost like she was trying to protect herself from her husband, despite his silent show of attention towards his spouse. It was clear that there were issues on a deeper level that were affecting their intimacy – Need to ask about that at a later date , Sara thought.

They were half an hour into their first session and so far, it felt like they weren't really moving very far.

"I'm sorry. Are you just not going to talk the entire time?" Sara was pulled out of her thoughts at Erin questioning her husband.

"I'm here, aren't I?" Sara thinks that's the last thing he should've said in this situation "You know this isn't my thing."

"No one made you come, Jay. You came to me and said you were willing to try. I guess that's my fault for thinking that meant you'd actually involve yourself in the sessions. This is part of our problem, you know."

"Oh geez, are you able to do anything other than-" Whatever words are about to fall out of his mouth, Sara knows they aren't going to de-escalate their argument.

"Okay, I think we're getting off-track here." she interjects "I'd like to talk to you both individually anyways before the session is over, so I'll start with you Jay. Erin, do you mind waiting outside please? I'll send Jay out when we're done and then you can come in."

Erin stares at her husband and for a moment, Sara think she might fight her on leaving. But when Jay refuses to look at her, fixated on the ground, Erin shakes her head and rushes out the door.

Sara focuses on Jay, the latter still not looking at her.

"You really don't like being here."

Jay shrugs in response "May I ask why you don't like being here?"

"No experience I've had with therapy has ever ended well. I don't take anything positive from the practice."

Sara reflects on the brief information she had been given about the couple before she met them today; both were police officers in the Chicago PD, but the husband was formerly a member of the Army.

"PTSD." Sara says and when Jay flinches, she knows she's hit the nail on the head "Yeah, therapeutic practices surrounding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are wide-spread, and sadly not always effective."

Jay nods in agreement "It definitely wasn't effective, that's for sure."

Sara smiles softly "I'm sorry you've had to deal with those situations. I'm a big advocate for therapy, clearly, but I know it's not always the best method for unpacking trauma. Everyone heals and processes things in their own way. Did you find help outside of therapy?"

"Veterans meetings."

"That's good. My Grandfather was a Marine. He helps out at the VA, running some of those meetings. Says he sees a lot of young men take a turn for the better when they're surrounded by people who understand what they're going through."

"Yeah, it helped to have someone who was going through something similar. Misery loves company, I guess."

"Maybe." Sara chuckles "Jay, can I be blunt for a moment?"

Jay looks at her sceptically but nods nonetheless, "I would never push you more than you're willing to be pushed. If you tell me that I'm breaking the limits, then I'll back off. Couples counselling is different in its practices; it's not just about what's happening to you as individuals. It's how you interact with one another as a couple, how you communicate, how you practice and show intimacy and love. It's a whole combination of everything that makes you and Erin, husband and wife. And I get that the idea of therapy, even if it is different to your past experiences, can be unnerving; but if you aren't willing to put in the effort, I guarantee you – You're going to lose her."

"… It's not that easy." Jay sighs.

"Nothing worth fighting for ever is." Sara says simply "So, I guess the question you have to consider is whether or not Erin is worth fighting for."

"Of course, she is. I wouldn't be here if she wasn't."

Sara nods, glad at his quick response, "Good. I'm happy to hear that. So now it's time to put in the work."

2023 (six days later)

"Ugh. I've never felt so ridiculous in my life Kim. Seriously! What the hell was I thinking?"

"It was the first session, Erin. You can't expect everything to just miraculously fix itself after one session."

"I know that, but at the very least I expected my husband to make a good faith effort. He barely spoke in there. It's like he doesn't even want to try." Erin sighed sitting down next to her friend.

Jay and Adam had taken the kids to the park, while Erin and Kim had stayed home to catch up over a cup of coffee and get some snacks ready for when their little rugrats returned.

"You know that's not true. He agreed to go to therapy with you."

"Well why bother agreeing to go if he wasn't even going to try?"

"Maybe he didn't think he had another option?" Kim asked hesitantly.

"I gave him every opportunity to tell me if this wasn't something he wanted to do. He kept telling me he wanted to, that I was right, and it was what we needed. I actually felt hopeful walking in there, only for him to sit there and barely speak two words to me or the doctor."

"Okay." Kim watches her friend thumb the corner pages of the dark green notebook on the kitchen counter in front of her, "What's that?"

"My homework book." Erin chuckled "Sara gave us each one; to write down any thoughts or feelings we have. If there's something on our minds we want to discuss but don't feel comfortable to without her help. And for when she gives us little exercises to do."

"Exercises?"

"She wants me and Jay to write down five things we love or admire about the other person, and why. We're going to read them to each other next session."

"Have you done it? Or at last thought on it yet?" Kim asks, knowing their next session is in two days' time.

Erin scoffs "Of course, I've thought about it. But at this point, why am I even bothering? So I can be the idiot next session looking like a damn fool because I'm the only one who did the work? No thank you."

"You can't just quit on therapy because you think Jay's quit. Besides, maybe when he sees you trying, he'll realise how serious you are about wanting to do the work. Maybe that's what he needs, reassurance."

"he shouldn't have to be guilted into doing the work. He said he wanted to fix things too, that should be enough to at least give it a try. I should be enough for him to want to try … why can't I be enough to make the effort for?"

Kim wraps her arm around Erin shaking shoulders, pulling her into her side. Erin sniffles softly against her shoulder.

"You are enough sweetie, you know you're more than enough to Jay too, right? Don't give up before you guys have started to really put in the work. Just give it some time, okay?"

Erin nods, wiping her tears with the sleeve of her cardigan turning to look at Kim "I don't know what I'd do without you, Kimberley Burgess-Ruzek."

"Probably divorce." Kim's snicker turns to a yelp when Erin punches her shoulder "Hey!"

"Not funny." Erin glares at her, but the smile she's struggling to hide says otherwise.

"Come on, what else are best friends for?" Kim smiles sweetly.

Erin shakes her head at the woman's antics. When it came to best friends, Kim was surely one-of-a-kind.

"Promise me you'll keep making an effort, at least a little bit longer. Maybe Jay just needs to see that you want to work too. And I know that's not 100% fair but sometimes … we just need to know that the other person cares as much as us."

The change in Kim's tone gave Erin a glimpse into her thoughts. Adam and Kim's relationship had been one hell of a fight to reach where they are now. After their first miscarriage, Kim had distanced herself from Adam in fear of getting hurt again. She blamed herself for the loss of their child and Adam had fought his absolute hardest not to lose her. It had taken a full year for Adam to prove to Kim that he wasn't going anywhere. He had helped pull her out of the depressive spiral she found herself in after losing the baby, and he had shown her time and time again that he wanted a future with her – that he didn't hold the loss of their child against her. Things had moved rather quickly after they had gotten back together, but there were never any regrets between them. The two had worked hard to improve their relationship and to be better for themselves, their partner and their family.

"I'll try. But I don't know how much more I can take, Kim." Erin sighed.

"I know. Believe me, I know."

…

"I can't believe you got scolded by your therapist on the first day." Adam laughed.

"Shut up, it wasn't like that." Jay grumbles "I can't believe Kim told you."

"Uh, my wife and I don't have any secrets, thank you very much."

"Oh, so she knows about how you have that locker at my gym with your secret stash of candy and-"

"Man, no talk about P-O-R-N in front of the K-I-D-S. But for your information, "

Jay rolls his eyes as the three children look up at them confused, Everly shuddering at her uncle's words.

"I really didn't need to know that."

"Hey, if your Uncle Adam can impart but one piece of wisdom let it be this; S-E-X-"

"Don't even think about finishing that sentence."

Everly giggled at her uncle's antics, quickly forgetting the original topic of conversation. Jay nudged Adam so they could walk away from the kids, asking Everly to keep an eye on them. They sat down on the park bench nearby and watched his eldest daughter run around with the three young children as if she was four-years-old herself. Andrew and Everly loved the Ruzek children like they were their own siblings. In truth, it had always felt like that. Erin and Kim's pregnancies were four weeks apart, Kim finding out she was pregnant shortly after Erin had. Lily Nicole and Jackson Alvin Ruzek were two months younger than Andrew - they had grown up their entire lives together and Everly had happily taken on the responsibility of being a protective big sister to all three of the kids from the moment they were born. It warms Jay's heart to see how comfortably his daughter had stepped into the role of big sister, how content she was with it being her and Andrew. Especially since Jay wasn't sure they would ever be able to give her the extra little siblings she'd been asking for since her baby brother had been born.

"Did you really not talk at all?" Adam asks.

"I spoke … just not very much."

"Jay."

"Don't give me that look, I know I stuffed up okay? It's not easy for me to be back in that environment; it feels like I'm going to fall back into that same emotional state I was in the last time."

"But it's not the same situation as last time. You're not coming in from the cold, you're trying to repair your marriage."

"And that means discussing our pasts. Eventually. She's going to ask me about the Army and UC and all of it. I don't know if I want to get into it all again."

"Well for the sake of your marriage, you're gonna have to suck it up and be willing to at least try and do it."

Jay groans at his friend's reply "Do you think I don't know all this!? I'm not trying to hurt my wife okay; I was fully prepared to go in there and do what I needed to do. But the second I walked in … it just felt too hard all of a sudden."

Adam nods, understanding his friend more than Jay knew.

"I get it. Letting my barriers down was hard too; I spent my life shuffling between bitter, divorced parents. Something about marriage was … it felt hard to achieve. But also, like something I had to achieve. As if I had to prove to myself that I could make a marriage work.

It took losing Kim the first time, that whole mess with Hailey, hooking up with Kim again, falling pregnant, losing the baby … All of it made me realise just how much I wanted – needed – my life to be with hers, forever. Married or not."

Adam studies his friend as he reflects on his words. Despite Jay now being his boss, the two have grown closer over the ten years that they've known each other. It wasn't surprising, given the tight-knit group that Intelligence has always been; but somewhere along the way the lines between friendship and co-workers blurred for all of them. And while Adam Ruzek still felt the most uncomfortable in his own skin when he was willingly being vulnerable to another person – he knew it was important to make Jay see a different side of the situation.

And it had the desired effect. Jay sat on the park bench, watching his children play – happy and blissfully unaware, if only for a few moments – and considered the way therapy could impact his marriage from a different perspective. Maybe it didn't have to be all about him; about forcing himself into an uncomfortable part of his past in order to open up to his partner. There was vulnerability and honesty to be had in rebuilding things in order for he and Erin to better understand each other – and themselves – as the people they have become. Erin asking him to go to therapy with her didn't mean she would ever push him to talk about things he isn't ready to talk about; things she knows are so painfully hard for him to dwell on long enough to express them to her. Erin had never been like that before. And Jay knew that no matter how far apart them may have grown he still knew Erin Halstead well enough to know she would never be like that with him.

"Dammit. I fucked up."

Adam's laughter vibrates through him as he slaps his palm against Jay's shoulder,
"Yeah. But it's not too late to fix it. You've just got to show her you're ready to take it seriously."

Erin and Jay don't talk much when they get home that evening. The Ruzek family stay for dinner and the rest of the time is spent with their kids until they have to go to bed. Jay wishes Everly goodnight while Erin makes sure Andrew brushes his teeth. And while Jay gets the little boy into his pyjamas, Erin spends the time with their daughter and then meets up with her boys in Andrew's bedroom. They tuck him in together and take turns of reading the book he chooses. Tonight, it's 'Possum Magic'.

Erin watches amused as Jay emphasises each dramatic voice, changing his tone when Grandma Poss and Hush as they work to undo Hush's invisibility. Andrew giggles with every funny voice and exaggerated sound his father makes, and Erin's smile grows bigger. She's offered a momentary reprieve from the despair that's followed her all day since leaving Dr James office.

But when they walk out their son's room and Jay stands awkwardly behind her while she slowly closes the door, tension fills the air again. They look at one another unsure. Neither knows what to do or say to make this better. Do they get into an argument about it? Do they try to sit and talk it out calmly? Do they walk up to their room together and just go to sleep?

Erin walks to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and Jay follows silently. Jay sits down at the island bench while he watches Erin work methodically. She takes out two cups and Jay smiles. He decides to make a gesture and walks into the pantry to take out her favourite biscuits, setting two on the saucer underneath her cup. Erin's breath hitches at how close he suddenly is. Her shoulder is brushing his front as he stands to her side, she can feel his chest tapping against her; pushing forward with every breath he takes.

"I'm sorry. About today." Jay says softly.

Erin nods turning to face him. She studies his face, his tired eyes not making contact with hers. There's so much she wants to say, but she can see how exhausted he is. Today had taken its toll on both of them.

"I know. It's fine."

Jay frowns when Erin leans in to press a gentle kiss against his cheek and whispers "goodnight."

He watches confused as she takes her cup and begins to head out of the kitchen.
"It's not fine."

Erin pauses and Jay hears her sigh, but she doesn't turn to face him.
"You know what? You're right. It's not fine."

She turns around then, "You agreed to this. I asked and asked. I told you we could find something else if you wanted. You said you would try."

"I know…"

"I know you know, Jay. But it doesn't change the way I feel now; you let me down today. I felt so hopeful when I woke up this morning and now I just- Look, if you're not serious about this, if you're not willing to do this, then you need to let me know. Because I can't keep feeling like this. I won't."

Erin keeps walking and Jay doesn't stop her. It may have hurt to hear, but she was right, and he wasn't going to try and defend his actions or the way he made her feel. He's exhausted and even more defeated, but he doesn't want to go to bed. He doesn't want to lay next to her in bed like he normally would because it's not normal. This isn't how it normally is. How it normally was.

Instead, he sits in his office. There's so much paperwork to finish – one of the downsides of running a specialised unit – but he can't focus on it long enough to finish writing a sentence. The notebook Dr James had given him sat on the desk taunting him. The events of today kept ringing through his head.

"You're going to lose her."

"You've just got to show her you're ready to take it seriously."

"You let me down today."

Jay was tired of disappointing Erin. He had promised he would try. He knew it would be hard, but he had made the choice to do therapy. She didn't force him into it, and she certainly didn't deserve the way he had acted during their session. He had to start pulling his weight. Not just for Erin. Jay needed to do this for himself; he needed to know that they did everything they could, that he gave it all he had. He needed to find himself again, to find his wife again, to find who they were as a couple. It was not going to be an easy road, but dammit if Jay wasn't going to put in the effort.

And with that in mind, he picked up the notebook and opened to the first page.

A/N: Hey everyone,

I know I went a bit MIA for the last two months – I was in the middle of my final projects and exams for what will (hopefully!) be my last ever semester of university. BUT now I'm all done and dusted and just waiting for my results to come out; which means I have three free days in the week to sit and write.

So, after spending the last two weeks catching up on all the sleep I've missed out on (group projects have given me insomnia this semester -_-) I am FINALLY back with new chapters! I am planning to update my current stories and post new stories in the following week, as well as routinely update every week. That is the goal, let's see if I can stick to it …

This chapter was originally going to have their next therapy session in it, but it was getting quite long and I got a bit carried away with Adam and Jay's scene this chapter so I cut it down and will probably post the next chapter this coming weekend after I've updated my other stories.

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I've been experimenting with different POV's and writing styles over the course of the last few months, since one of my uni classes was a creative writing unit it's given me ample opportunity to play around with my writing and work on some new pieces which I'm very excited to show you all :)

Speaking of differences, there was a new one this chapter – instead of a song, a poem! The one used in the beginning is by Atticus (Instagram: Atticusxo).

Apologies for any spelling or grammar mistakes. I proofread this half-asleep and then was too excited to post today to double-check it properly lol

As always, please leave a review and let me know what you think! See you all soon …