Chapter 7: Things I Miss About You

'I have this dream
where we talk it through
where we love as big as
we pretended to

I always wake up
missing you.'

[K.M.S]

November 2017

"Chew your food, kid. You're going to choke on those waffles." Erin laughed as she watched the child try to fit as much of the waffles and bacon as she could into her mouth all at once.

It had been about six weeks since Erin had met Everly Amelia Collins. She was only eight years old, a piece of information that shouldn't have shocked Erin as deeply as it did – given all she herself had been doing at that age – but it still struck her heart that no one seemed to care about this young girl, why she wasn't in school, or if she had anywhere to call home.

After their first meeting, Everly had agreed to meet Erin for breakfast every morning at a diner near the gym in exchange for Erin not calling DCFS to find out where she was currently being fostered and why no one was making sure she was enrolled in, and going to, school.

"So, how's the new school treating you?" Erin asked before taking a sip of her coffee.

Everly nodded as she spoke through the mouthful of food "Good. 's different than what 'm used to."

"Good different, or bad?" Erin asked, following up quickly "Swallow your food before you answer this time.

"… Good. I think. The teachers are nice."

"I'm glad to hear it. And you're keeping on top of all your homework?"

Everly scrunches her face "Ugh, I have this stupid math assignment that I cannot do. It doesn't make any sense!"

"Hey, watch your language." Erin gently scolds "You know, Maths wasn't my favourite subject in school either. My friend Antonio though, his daughter Eva is a math whiz. I can see if she has any free time to help you."

"Maybe you can come by the district sometime this week, once school lets out?"

"I, uh, I can't. I have to be at the foster home straight after school." Everly says, nerves creeping in.

Erin leans further in, speaking softly as she asks "Why do you have to be home straight away? If you give me their number, I'm sure I can explain the situation to your foster-"

"No!" Everly bites out "Just leave it alone, Erin. They want me home straight away, so I have to go home straight away."

Erin frowned at her little friend's sudden change in tone. Everly was, for the most part, a very quiet and reserved little girl. But when she put up her walls, they weren't budging. It was a habit Erin was all too familiar with.

"Okay … Well, I can see if she's free in the morning? She could come look it over for you while we have breakfast."

"Whatever." Everly mumbled down at her plate "Sure."

…

Three days later, Antonio and Erin were seated at the booth behind Everly and Eva; the little girl's back to them as Eva sat across from her and pointed out something on her worksheet. Everly seemed to understand whatever Eva was explaining to her, because Erin could see her arm moving as her hand furiously scribbled down something in her notebook.

"She seems like a good kid." Antonio says as he sat next to Erin watching the girls "Any luck figuring out her situation?"

"No. I know it takes kids a while to build up trust with someone, especially a cop, but I just want to help her. I wish she would see that.".

Antonio smiled and patted her hand with his "I'm sure she does. It just takes some kids a little bit longer feeling like they can ask for help. She'll open up to you soon."

"I hope so." Erin sighs.

"Have you heard anything new about Jay?"

"No. His handler just said he's doing as well as can be expected. I'm just trying not to think about it too much, and trust in the fact that he'll keep himself safe."

Erin looks down at her coffee willing her tears not to fall. She misses him so much. Six months, halfway into his undercover assignment. Erin wasn't sure how much more she could take.

"He'll come home soon, Erin. You have to believe that." Antonio squeezes her hand.

"I do." Erin says softly "Doesn't make it any harder to wait, not knowing if he' actually is okay."

Antonio opens his mouth to respond but is cut off when the girls slide into their booth,

"Hey! You all done?" he asks.

Eva nods "Yep, she's gonna do so well on this. Pretty smart kid you got here, Aunt Erin."

Erin pushes a smile onto her face and nods as she looks at her young friend. Everly looks at her curiously. She can tell something's not quite right.

"Well, we should head out. Gotta pick up Diego before we head to school." Antonio and Eva stand from the booth as he looks at Everly "It was nice to meet you, Everly."

"You, too. Thank you for help, Eva."

The older girl smiles "Anytime, you're pretty cool kid."

Erin smiles politely as they Dawson's head out of the Diner, watching Antonio wrap his arm around his daughter's shoulders and kiss her cheek embarrassingly as they walk to his car.

"Is everything okay?" Erin turns back to focus on Everly "You look sad."

Erin shakes her head "Antonio was just asking me about a case, I'm just a bit distracted."

"Is it … about Jay?"

Erin's coffee cup freezes halfway between the table and her mouth. She looks at Everly, eyes wide in surprise, as she asks, "How do you know about Jay?"

Everly shrugs "I heard Antonio mention it. You got really quiet after that, even Eva looked funny when she heard it. Who's Jay?"

"He's, um, he's my partner." Erin answers.

Everly nods "Is he the one who gave you that?"

Erin looks down at her engagement ring. She hadn't taken it off since he left, not for anything. It kept her at east knowing she had a piece of the man she loved so dearly, so securely attached to her. When her anxiety peaked, and her brain would panic thinking about what kinds of trouble Jay could possibly be in at that very moment; she would look at the ring on her hand and silently beg his mother to watch over the man they both loved. The man she couldn't live without. 'Please don't let them take him from me.'

"Erin?"

"Yeah. Yeah, he's the one who gave me this."

"… You love him." Everly's question comes out more like a statement and Erin nods in agreement.

"Yes, I do." Erin clears her throat trying to keep her emotions at bay "But right now, he's working a case with another team. And so, I haven't been able to see or talk to him; I'm worried about him – I was just think that … I hope wherever he is, that he's okay."

They're both quiet. Sitting and contemplating the situation, what to say next. Everly speaks first. Her voice a quiet confession.

"My parents are dead." she says simply "When my mum got really sick, every time I visited her in the hospital, she used to tell me; 'No matter where I go, you can always talk to me. Whatever's going through your head, you can tell me. And even though I can't be here for you like I am now – Know that I will always live in your heart. I will always be there to help you.' And whenever I get scared or need help; I ask her."

Erin nods but doesn't speak yet. This is the first time Everly's opened up to her like this; let her into a piece of her heart that she's kept under lock and key. She's choosing to trust in the detective, to believe that Erin meant it when she swore to help her.

"I'll ask her to keep Jay safe for you." Everly says softly.

"That's very sweet, Ev. Thank you. And, I'm sorry about your mum." Erin says, reaching out to hold Everly's hand.

She shrugs in response "I miss her. All the time. I think she'd be happy that I found you, though."

"You'll always have me." Erin smiles "I'm going to make sure you're looked after. I promise."

2023 (six days later)

"Look, if you're not serious about this, if you're not willing to do this, then you need to let me know. Because I can't keep feeling like this. I won't."

Erin walks out of the kitchen, hoping that he'll follow after her.

He doesn't.

So, she walks up the stairs alone. Moves through the hallway quietly, seeing Jay move out of the kitchen from over the balustrade. Erin peeks in on Andrew, lying on his front with his bum in the air and thumb stuck in his mouth. She laughs softly wondering how her child could be even the slightest bit comfortable in such a position. But he's sleeping and that's all that matters. She walks to Everly's room and sees her daughter passed out with a book on her chest and her lamp still on. Erin moves inside quietly and slowly removes the book from Evie's clutch, making sure to slip the bookmark from her bedside table between the pages. Evie would throw a fit if she woke up to realise her bookmark was not back in its place within the story's pages. Erin brushed her hand over her daughter's face, kissing her cheek lightly before turning off the lamp and closing the door softly behind her.

Erin dreaded walking into their bedroom. The space felt cold, the bed empty and the room still shrouded in darkness. A small part of her that hoped Jay had quietly snuck up to bed while she checked on the kids. Erin sighed, took off her clothes from the day and crawled onto her side of the bed.

She stared at the empty space beside her. It's not like it was the first time she had gone to bed alone. After Jay took over the unit, Erin had begrudgingly gotten used to putting the kids to bed alone. To resigning herself to a dinner for three most nights. To no longer waiting up for her husband to come home, because he no longer let her know how long he would be at work for. To falling asleep alone and usually waking up alone too. She's spent more nights falling asleep, and mornings waking up, missing her husband than she's spent with his eyes being the last and first thing she sees each day.

But tonight, the loneliness felt unbearable. Because Jay was here. But he wasn't.

Erin turned onto her side facing towards the door. She looked at the notebook on her bedside table; the one with her half-completed list. She stared at the door, not seeing any light coming through the open doorway. Jay was likely in his office; it was where he usually went when he didn't want to come to bed. Erin would usually find him there in the early hours of the morning stuck into his paperwork. Looking back, she wonders if it was a way to avoid being here with her.

She's reminded of Kim's words in that moment. Maybe he was sitting in his office doing their exercise. Erin shot that thought down quickly – she wasn't going to get her hopes up for nothing. She was sick and tired of setting herself up for disappointment.

"You can't just quit on therapy because you think Jay's quit."

Erin stares at the book again. She sits up with a groan and flicks the side-table lamp on, her eyes adjusting to the soft light. Opening the notebook in her lap, pen twirling in her hands while she reads through what she's already written.

1. Good Father – despite his own relationships with his father, he persevered. Our kids have never doubted just how much they are loved by him; they know there isn't anything Jay wouldn't do for them. There are no lengths he wouldn't go to make sure they are safe.

2. Makes me laugh – I never thought I would love a man with so much humour. He always seems to know exactly when I need to laugh.

3. Respect – Jay has always respected what I want and what my boundaries are, unlike so many others throughout my life. When we first started dating, he let us take it at a pace I was comfortable with. He knew how important it was for me to feel in control and comfortable.

Erin closes her eyes, focusing on her breath as she tries to clear her mind so she can write out her feelings. She thought about the last decade of her life; how drastically it had all changed the section she met Jay Halstead on that fateful day he first stepped into the bullpen of the Intelligence Unit.

What does she love about Jay?

4. He makes me feel safe.

Erin thinks of all the times he's kept her safe. Not just on the job, but in their personal lives. Whether he was putting a bullet in the head of the man holding a knife against her throat or doing everything in his power to keep Bunny out of her life. Jay kept her best interests in the forefront of his mind with every decision he made to protect her. Even when she didn't agree with the decision, she never doubted that his actions were motivated by anything other than a deep sense of love for her.

5. I want to be a better person because of him.

The night she said yes to his proposal, leaving Bunny to her fate, was the first time she picked herself over her mother. Jay made her feel worthy of the life he was offering; a life she never thought she deserved to have before him. He made her want to change her life, because of him and the love he had for her. The kind of love that helped her to love herself the way she had always needed to.

Erin put her notebook down on the bedside table and turned the light off. She slid further down in the bed, looking at the empty side of the mattress once more. She thought about the last reason she had listed. The love Jay had provided her with; unlike anyone else had ever loved her before.

That love, that deep-seated wanting to be a better person, carried her into motherhood, into a new and unexpected career. It carried her through everything she and Jay had faced in the last ten years. And it was the reason she was still standing right now; it was the reason she wanted to fight for their marriage.

2023 (seven days later)

Erin woke the next morning feeling a little more hopeful than she had last night. It was a new day. And regardless of what happened, by the end of today, at least she would know if Jay was serious about therapy or not. If he was serious about trying to fix things. And she would take whatever happened and face it head on, just like she always did.

"Drew, get back here!" Erin heard Everly calling after her little brother as his footsteps grew closer "Dad said we were supposed to see if Mama's awake, not to wake her up if she's sleeping!"

"But it's morning, Mummy has to wake up Effie!" Erin smiled at her son's pronunciation of her sister's name.

He still hadn't quite gotten the hang of sounding out certain words and letters, but the doctor had assured them that some kids just take a little longer to get the hang of it than others. Erin stretched her arms above her head, grabbing her notebook as she stood up and placing it in her bag before slipping on her pyjama shorts and shirt. She opened the door just as Everly was picking up Drew; holding him against her by the waist as he tried to reach his little fist to the bedroom door.

Erin smiled brightly at the two of them, Evie setting Drew back down on the floor.

"Well, good morning."

"Morning Mama." Evie smiled.

"Mama! Daddy's making pancakes! Come on." Andrew whined, trying with all his might to pull his mother by her hand, his little feet sliding against the wooden floors as she stood still.

Erin chuckled at her son's determination "I'm coming buddy, why don't you go down and let Daddy put you in your chair while I brush my teeth?"

Andrew sighed "Okay, but you have to be quick. Daddy said the pancakes are gonna go cold!"

"I'll be right there. Don't run down the stairs!" Erin promised and Andrew raced back down the stairs as quickly as he could possibly walk.

Erin moved toward the bathroom, frowning when she saw Everly following her, "Everything okay?"

"Depends. Are you?"

"Of course."

"Mum … What's going on with you and Dad?" Evie sighs.

"Ev, this isn't a conversation we should be having." Erin says.

"Well, it's too late for that. I already heard you two. I'm not a little kid anymore, you can tell me the truth."

Erin walked to the doorway. Standing before her daughter, she brushed the young girl's hair out of her face like she had done last night. Evie closed her eyes momentarily, relishing the comfort.

"You may not be a little kid anymore, but you're still my kid. And I don't think it's appropriate to talk to you about all this without your Dad here too, and especially when I don't know enough right now to give you the answers you want. I'm sorry."

Evie shakes her head "I'm just scared. I already lost one set of parents and…"

"Hey, no," Erin says softly pulling Everly into her arms "That's not what this is. You're not losing anyone. I may not have all the answers, but I know that much. No matter what, your Dad and I will only ever do what's best for this family. You got that?"

Everly nodded against her chest, "Good. Now, let me brush my teeth in peace. You should probably get downstairs before your brother makes a mess of all the pancakes."

Erin smiles as Evie rolls her eyes, picturing her little brother grabbing the entire stack of pancakes in his bare hands – as he always does – undoubtedly breaking them all apart in his tiny fingers as he does so.

"I don't know why you guys had to have another kid." Everly groaned heading for the staircase as well "You hit the jackpot with me, why bother trying to duplicate perfection?"

…

Ten minutes later, Jay was placing the final batch of pancakes onto the plate in the middle of the dining table as Erin walked in; teeth brushed, changed clothes and bag in hand ready for the day. Erin ruffled Drew's hair before sitting down across from their kids, the little boy laughing loudly at his mother's action. Jay smiled and sat down beside her, taking the opportunity to quietly talk to her while the kids distracted themselves with pancakes. He lifted one pancake with the spatula and placed it on her plate, Erin smiling as he did so.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." He said softly, leaning closer to her "About last night. I, uh- I just want you to know that- that I heard you. I really heard you."

Erin nodded in understanding, placing her hand on his shoulder for a moment "I'm glad."

Jay smiled and they went back to their meal. The acknowledgement of their conversation left him feeling lighter than he had in a while. The family of four sat and ate breakfast together, Evie and Drew leading the conversation as they went through topic after topic, Jay and Erin focused on the food before them as they listened. For a few minutes, things felt peaceful.

That is, until his daughter's words registered in his head.

"Oh, and guess who I saw on the news last night? Uncle Peter."

Erin stilled as she listened to her daughter. Andrew turned to look at his sister, a small excited gasp escaping his lips "Petey?"

Evie giggled at his nickname. Only Drew was allowed to call him that.

"Yeah. He's working some case, apparently the guy they suspect committed the crime also did the same thing in Chicago." She directed the last part to her parents, who were both sitting stiffly as she spoke.

"… We should get you guys ready for school." Erin suddenly said, standing to clear her plate.

Everly frowned at her mother "What? It's only 7:55."

"We got to leave in 20 minutes, I have to head into the office early this morning."

"I thought you weren't-"

"Everly." Erin interjected, her tone short and low "Please. Go and get yourself ready."

Everly looked between her parents, Jay still sitting at the table but not looking at his daughter or wife. Erin faced the sink as she scraped the food scraps off the dishes. Evie let out an annoyed grunt, her chair scraping against the floor as she pushed herself away from the table.

"Fine." She mumbled storming off to her room.

Erin turned to look at Jay still seated at the table. She opened her mouth to speak but, as if sensing she was about to, Jay shot up and lifted Andrew out of his seat and onto his hip.

"I should get him ready too. We'll leave in 20?" Jay asked, despite having heard Erin say as much to Everly.

"I … yeah." Erin relented "Jay, are you-"

"It's fine, Erin." Jay forced a small smile onto his face before turning to look at his son "Come on buddy, let's get you ready!"

Jay focused his attention to Andrew, walking up the stairs and ignoring the unexpectant elephant in the room. Erin watched him go before setting her focus on cleaning up the mess from breakfast.

Erin tried not to let her mind wander to him. It was dangerous territory. She hasn't thought about him in a while. But hearing his name still struck her heart. Still filled her with that sensation she hated feeling. Erin let the dish fall from her hand. It clattered against the metal of the sink as she braced herself against the counter.

They had never really spoken about it. Jay was clearly still not comfortable acknowledging it. But now that they were going to therapy, it was something they just might have to face – whether they were ready to or not.

And just like that, the hopeful mood that she woke up with was quickly slipping away from her.

A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry for the wait, but this chapter changed back and forth so many times in terms of what the storyline was going to be – I wanted to include their next therapy session in this chapter too but my laptop is on 5% battery as I type this and I got struck with an idea for their therapy session that means I have to rewrite what I already planned.

So instead, you'll be getting their next therapy session in the next chapter which will 100% be POSTED TOMORROW! I'm really excited to get things moving with this story, and now that I have figured out the timeline for everything post s4 until their fight, updates should be coming a bit more regularly.

So, tell me – what do you think of that ending? Any guesses as to what 'it' they haven't spoken about is? I will say this much … it's not as terrible as you may be thinking it is.

As always, please review and let me know what you thought! Reviews really do make me so motivated to write and get new chapters out faster to you :)