Kahlan, Cara, Zedd, and Panis Rahl sat in a circle around a dying fire. Before the tear in the veil, it was smart to keep only embers alight when the Dragon Core was only ever a step behind them. Back when Richard was still among them. When the evils were of man and not of god. It seemed familiar to keep from a roaring fire; a vestige of simpler times, when everything seemed easier. Now they were facing the Keeper of the Underworld, an timeless entity who had upended the careful balance of the natural world. There would be no Elysium, no Heaven, no Valhalla— not if they failed to seal the rifts that had fractured the world and the future of mortals.
"What exactly are we supposed to do with the stone?" Cara asked bluntly. They had all been in their thoughts for quite some time and now the Mord-Sith had put words to it. The fire gave way to a loud cracking as if to break the silence. "We can't throw it into the rift… can we?"
"No, we must be more careful than that," Zedd warned, which made Cara roll her eyes.
"I don't see you coming up with any ideas. Isn't that what you do? Tell us what to do right after we get into trouble?"
Zedd looked perplexed. "Wizards are not magical glue, Cara, we cannot fix everything in an instant. Something as ancient as the secrets to the Stone of Tears have been lost to time for a reason. If everyone knew how to access and use the stone, it would be in the Keeper's hands by now. The answer is somewhere, it's merely a matter of how quickly we can find it."
"If Richard were here, he would know exactly where to go," Kahlan offered quietly, which made Cara and Zedd fall silent. Cara had an incredulous look in her eye— of course she was loyal to Richard, but she did not believe for an instant that he was a determined leader. The Seeker would help one hundred cows give birth before haphazardly stumbling upon the next leg of their journey.
Panis looked around before clearing his throat.
"I think we have our answer," he said, pointing to the compass that was now glowing and whirring on Cara's hip. The Mord-Sith looked down and clutched the compass. How was it still glowing for her? She held it in her hand for a moment before carefully opening it, as if the compass would break when she laid eyes on it. Panis' eyes were trained on Cara as the compass pointed them in a new direction.
"Here's to following the Mord-Sith with the Seeker's compass," Panis smiled gently, looking up at Cara. She met him with cold anger in her eyes. Anger was an easy emotion for Cara, practically her default state besides indifference. It was within her reach at all times, and Panis' presence had stoked the flames even more.
"You can leave at any time, old man. What are you even here for anyway?" Cara spat, getting in Panis' face. The older man did not back away, a relic of his past power.
Kahlan stepped in and took Cara by the arm. Energy seemed to pulse from her touch, her powers were always at the edges of her body. "Cara, stop it. He's been a great help to us. Without him-"
"You don't know the pain this man has caused. To generations of D'Haran girls," Cara said with downcast eyes. "You have no idea."
"Because you don't talk about it. You keep it all to yourself and then it explodes in someone else's face. If you would just open up to us, to me, it wouldn't be this way. You don't have to be in pain."
The feelings welled up inside of Cara so quickly she had no idea what to do with them. A surge of anger ripped through her and clawed their way from her stomach to her heart. She yanked her arm away from Kahlan's hold and walked off into the woods. Before Kahlan could go after her, Zedd put a hand on her shoulder.
"Give her space," Zedd told her. Kahlan shook her head.
"The last thing she needs right now is space, Zedd. It's what she's had her entire life."
Cara was far beyond the light of the fire. She could not hear anything, it felt like she was under water. Her heart was pounding like a war drum. Her skin felt like it was infested with thousands of bugs all trying to peel off her skin. Kahlan was not far behind, calling out to the Mord-Sith, but Cara did not hear her.
She was visiting a place she rarely went. The darkest place she had ever known— the depths of her emotion. It was a bottomless pit of everything she had declined to feel. All the sadness, rage, and confusion of her Mord-Sith upbringing was bubbling to the surface, and Cara was nearly drowned in it. She couldn't see in front of her since she hadn't brought a torch. Fumbling around in the darkness, she held her hands out in case she were to hit a tree.
All the while memories were forcing their way out. Images of horror, of her mother and father being tortured, simmered in her mind. The way her mother's face twisted in agony as she plunged the agiel into her belly. The disgust in her mother's eyes when Cara came back for more was one that she would never forget as long as she lived.
I forgive you, Cara. I forgive you, Cara.
Cara couldn't run anymore, her lungs felt like they had deflated. She tried to fight against the pressure but she gave up. It was pointless, all of it. The stone, the quest, trying to assimilate from her Mord-Sith life. It was impossible. It was all pointless.
I forgive you, my heart. I forgive you.
Cara was powerful, she could stop this anytime she wanted to. But instead she sank to her knees and pulled her arms over her face. Everything she had done, every pain she had felt, was closing in around her. It threatened to swallow her whole, but Cara remained angry. Even when she should have been sad, defeated, or sorrowful, she could not fathom such emotion.
"Cara…" a voice from the deep called, right beside her. Cara didn't move as her arms were pulled from her face.
"Can you hear me? Say something, please." It was Kahlan, with those intense, blue eyes. It was Kahlan, as it always seemed to be. The woman who could kill her with a touch had pulled her out of herself. Cara stared at her for a long moment. Both of them sitting on the forest floor in the dead of night. Quest and rift forgotten.
Cara broke the surface of the water and felt the floodgates open. Visions of being strung up and beaten, pushed down and beaten, the agiel feeling better than the touch of another person. The pain was her home, yet it was her weakness too. She clung to it like a child to a doll. Bruises reminded her that she was still alive.
"I feel like an animal," Cara admitted quietly. It felt like the admission had floated up into the atmosphere, her voice sounded so loud in the absolute quiet of her mind. The panic had turned into an icy realization. "I can't go on with you. I'm a monster."
"Cara, look at me." Cara didn't move. "Cara, look at me. Please." For the first time, Cara reached out to Kahlan and held her hand, her energy pushing on the Confessor's. Kahlan felt her heart swell in the moment of vulnerability.
"You don't have to be in pain. The pain does not need to be your defining quality. You are so much more than what has been done to you."
"What about what I've done to other people?"
I forgive you, my heart.
Kahlan watched Cara as the Mord-Sith turned to her with watery eyes.
"When I was a little girl, my father controlled my sister and I. After my mother died he was released from confession and I suppose he was trying to take back all of those lost years. He made us… he made us confess the neighbor's wife so she would leave her husband. I will never forget the way her face changed from horrified to serene once I confessed her. The way her hand felt in mine. The way she was so eager to please me when I…" Kahlan didn't have to finish the story, Cara knew how it ended. "I think about it every day. It will follow right behind me for the rest of my life, I'm sure. But I have done so much good since then."
"I didn't just ruin a single life," Cara said, her eyes boring into Kahlan's.
"Neither have I. But I can't think about that or else I would lose myself, and then I wouldn't be of help to anyone." Both of them were silent as the stars shone above them. Kahlan's hand squeezed Cara's.
"You are important. To this world, to your friends, and to Richard. Don't think for a second that you go unappreciated."
"I killed your sister," Cara answered quietly, not letting go of Kahlan's hand. Kahlan didn't let go either. "I'm sorry."
"Thank you. I know you were a different person then. I have seen how big your heart can be, and how you protect us all. I can't forgive you just yet… but I can understand."
"I don't want you to forgive me. I am not looking for forgiveness."
"What are you looking for?" Kahlan asked, watching Cara stare up into the trees. The dying fire seemed to be years away from them now.
"A place where the sun sets."
"I think we're already there."
Cara hummed in agreement, noticing now where they both were. Sitting in the woods, holding hands, and feeling empty. But the emptiness now felt less lonely with Kahlan beside her. It felt manageable. Pocket sized.
"I'm not a monster."
Kahlan smiled. "No, you're not. You're my friend."
In that moment, Kahlan wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around Cara and fade into the black night. And she didn't know why or how she felt such a feeling. Richard was at the Palace of the Prophets, studying to become a wizard so his Han wouldn't kill him. The love of her life was across a boundary, and here she was thinking of Cara. But Kahlan couldn't stop herself.
Cara looked over to her and watched as Kahlan thought deeply. She didn't bother to ask what it was about, she didn't need to know. Instead, she wrapped her arm around Kahlan and brought her head to rest on her shoulder. Kahlan didn't fight it.
"You're my friend too."