A/N: I feel like I should forewarn you all that things are a bit messy this chapter. Try to keep in mind that therapy is never a straight path, and when things have gotten to the point that Jay and Erin's marriage has reached, one point of contention can spiral into a hundred different avenues. But we'll get there eventually, don't worry …

Chapter 11: Love Me at My Worst

"No, I'm not perfect, but I hope you see my worth."

2018

Jay and Everly spent the afternoon together every day that week. Jay would pick her up from school after physical therapy and they would hang out in the park together. It had become something of a special routine between the two growing friends; Jay had even started bringing a picnic blanket so they could sit under a tree instead of on the park bench. Everly took to bringing a book from the school library and reading a few chapters, sometimes aloud as Jay listened and weighted in on what could happen next for the characters in the story.

Jay felt lighter than he had in weeks. He knew Erin wasn't very happy with him, but the tension between them seemed to dissipate a little over dinner as she saw Jay and Everly interact more comfortably with one another.

Jay had sent Erin to bed after she made sure Everly was sleeping, promising to join her after he did the dishes and put the leftovers away – his way of saying thank you for dinner. Erin was too tired to argue or try and help him, so she simply kissed his cheek and squeezed his arm in lieu of a hug, since he was elbow-deep in dish water, and walked to their bedroom.

Erin was deep in sleep, her arm outstretched to his side of the bed awaiting his presence. Jay smiled at the sight; his fiancée had been so run down lately and it had finally caught up with her. He felt guilty, knowing that he hadn't eased her stress and business with his irritable mood and lack of help with Everly until late. Erin took so much on her plate, even when she was at risk of tipping it over and smashing everything to the ground. it pained him to think that she had been doing it all alone for so many months without him, and when he finally came back it was like he hadn't returned.

He wasn't sure how long he had been laying with Erin in his arms when he heard it. Soft, shuffling feet against the hardwood from the guest room into the kitchen. The dark moonlight glistening through the curtains told Jay it was fairly late, and he carefully unravelled himself from his partner before heading back into the kitchen. Everly was standing on a chair in front of the sink, shaky hands trying to fill a glass of water.

"You shouldn't be up there."

He spoke before he had thought it through, his sleepy voice startling the little girl who spun quickly. The chair shook below her, and Jay raced over to secure her perch before she slipped and fell.

"You scared me." Everly gasped, clutching the glass tighter in her hand.

"I'm sorry, kiddo. I just saw you standing up on the chair and I didn't want you to fall. Not that I helped much with that."

Everly let out a small laugh as Jay took a step back from her "I didn't mean to wake you."

Jay shook his head "You're fine. I wasn't sleeping anyways. How come you're up so late?"

"… I was just thirsty." Jay didn't appear convinced by that and she could tell

"Do you have trouble sleeping, Evie?"

Erin looks at him guilty "Sometimes. I fall asleep better now I'm here, but- but sometimes I have nightmares. And they wake me up. I can't fall asleep after. And I'm always really hot when I wake up, and I know Erin wouldn't want me to get up on the chair, but I don't want to worry her, so I just come get a glass of water for myself and lay in bed until she comes to wake me up."

Jay's heart breaks at her words. Evie's trauma was definitely different from whatever Jay and even Erin had experienced in their own childhoods, but he knew that whatever it might be it was enough to shake her from her sleep and prevent her from closing her eyes again. Jay knew that feeling all too well.

"You know, I have nightmares too sometimes."

"Really? About what?" Evie's eyes widen at Jay's sharp inhale "You don't have to tell me! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset-"

"I'm not upset, it's okay. It's just … hard for me to remember sometimes. I don't like the feelings it gives me when I do."

"I don't like the feelings I get either. It makes me sad when I wake up."

Jay frowns at that. Usually nightmares scare children.
"Why do you feel sad?"

"I dream of my mum. And when the policeman came to our house, to tell us she was …" Evie looks down at her feet "He always tell me it's my fault. My Dad. She- she went to the store to get me cookies. I got a hundred on my quiz at school and she told me I could have any dessert I wanted, but we didn't have any cookies at home."

"I'm so sorry Ev." Jay reaches out, leaving his hand near hers so she can take it if she feels comfortable to. She does.

"Sometimes, I dream of when I found my Dad. I can still see his eyes. I screamed so loudly the neighbours came over. The policeman tells me it's my fault then too."

"It's not your fault, sweetheart. Sometimes things– sometimes these things just happen. And there's nothing we can do to stop it. To change it. It's not your fault."

"I- I'm the reason she was driving that night. She wouldn't have been in the car otherwise." Evie sniffles, tears springing to her eyes.

"There's no way of knowing that for sure, Ev. She could have gone out to get milk, or maybe she would've gone for a walk to get some air. There are a million other things that could have happened, and she still might not have made it back home that night."

"I miss her." Evie hiccups "I wake up and I hear her voice, but then I open my eyes and- and she's not there."

"I know." Jay says, rubbing her arm "Ev, can I- can I give you a hug?"

Evie nods silently and Jay gently wraps his arms around her small figure. Evie tries to hold in her tears while Jay rubs her back with one hand, taking the glass of water from her shaky grasp with the other. He gently picks her up off the chair she's been kneeling in and moves them to the couch so he can hold her properly. He feels a little unsure in this moment; despite his and Evie's heavy talk the first day of this week, he feels like he's in unchartered territory. He doesn't want to say or do the wrong thing with her, not after they've been making such good progress. So, he gives her a little time to settle before making the self-tested suggestion he's come to rely on.

"You know, when I can't sleep, I like to watch documentaries."

"What are documentaries about?" Evie asks softly, her head tucked under Jay's chin as he holds her firmly.

Jay chuckles "They're educational, I guess. But I find it calms me down, makes me really sleepy too. You want to watch one with me? Maybe it'll help you fall back to sleep."

Evie nods "I don't mind trying."

"Awesome," Jay smiles picking up the remote from where it's wedged between the couch cushions "This one's my favourite. Do you want to sit beside me, or are you comfy here?"

Evie contemplates her options, a nervous whisper escaping;
"Can I stay here? I- I like it here."

"Of course." Jay says quietly, his heart aching at her words "And if you ever have a nightmare again, come wake me up okay? We can sit together and watch documentaries. And I can make sure you don't fall off the chair getting your water."

Evie hums in agreement as the tv lights up and the scene begins to play.

…

An hour later, Evie is fast asleep. Her body is slack against Jay's as he leans back on the couch. His hand lightly brushes her hair, in a similar way he would do with Erin after she had a hard day. When she let him watch his 'silly docos' as she coined it, they would sit on this couch together and he would comfort her however he could.

Jay reaches for the remote to turn off the television and carefully gets up, taking Evie with him. He carries the young girl to her room, surprised at how light she is for her age – she had only been on the streets for nine months, but it was evident that it had impacted her health somewhat. Jay made a mental note to ask Erin about that tomorrow.

He gently lay Evie down on the bed in the guest room, tucking the covers around her before going back into the kitchen to fill a water bottle and leaving a water bottle on the bedside table. He wasn't completely sure that she would wake him if she had another nightmare; at least this way he wouldn't have to worry about her falling and hurting herself.

"Hey, you." Erin smiles sleepily when Jay gets back into bed.

Her body automatically moves towards him. Jay and Erin both lay on their sides, holding one another's hand.

"You okay?"

Jay nods and Erin closes her eyes again, not expecting much more of a response from him. She knows his routine by now; she can't make him talk about the things that keep him up at night. He needs to be able to come to her when he's ready to, if he ever is.

"I'm scared, Er."

Erin's eyes flutter open again. She props herself up on her arm so she can look at him, take him in properly.

"Why?"

"I don't- It's like I came back to a life that isn't mine. I've been feeling so out of place the last few weeks and then- then seeing you and Ev that morning in the kitchen. The two of you have this bond that I can't even begin to understand; and I think that's why I was pulling away, from her and from you. I just don't feel like I fit here anymore. I don't know where my place is anymore."

"Jay. Come here."

Erin lies back and opens her arms in invitation, which Jay accepts. He's never had to hide his vulnerabilities with her; Erin has always accepted him how he is. Jay lays his head in the crook of her neck, kissing her shoulder as he does so. Erin scoots down and Jay's arm snakes under her so he can wrap it around her shoulder. She brings her hand up against his cheek and grazes her nose against his, his breath against hers in their close proximity.

Jay closes his eyes, enjoying her comfort. He didn't realise just how much he had craved it since he'd left. Her touch always seems to ground him.

"You belong right here, with me. Always." Erin whispers kissing over his closed eyes.

"When I saw you and Evie, the way she just fell into you. How you held her, kissed her. It was so sweet and caring. It- it reminded me of my mum." Jay confesses "I think that's part of what scared me. You have this bond with her, and I just feel like I'm outside. But, for the first time since I've been home, I think it's all going to work out okay."

Erin smiles softly at that "Of course it will. It just takes time. You have to be willing to give it time."

Jay nods "I'm sorry I've been such an asshole these last few weeks. I haven't exactly made it easy."

"I haven't been the most understanding either. I'm sorry too. But I promise, you have me by your side Jay. No matter what."

2023 (one week after)

"Because it feels like you resent me for the fact that you couldn't save your mother's life!"

Of all the reasons he could give her, Erin wouldn't have guessed that. Bunny had always been a point of contention in their relationship; from when they were partners, to dating, up until the very moment of her death and long after it as well. She can still remember what he said that night, after Jay had snapped at her when she told him she had received yet another call from Logan Correctional Facility.

"You won't have to worry about my mother's influence in my life or our daughter's – she's dead."

Bunny's presence was a stench on their relationship that just wouldn't leave. But not for the reasons Jay thought. Though she can't really blame him for thinking otherwise; the many arguments they had in the months following Bunny's death certainly made it seem that way. Their fight last week probably solidified that feeling in his mind.

"Are you kidding me? No, you don't get to put that on me – that's on you, and if you feel guilty maybe it's because you hold more responsibility for her death than you're willing to admit to yourself!"

No. She had never truly blamed him. But lashing out at him was easier than dealing with all the emotions that came tumbling in along with her grief. It was easier to be angry with him than to accept the vulnerability she would fall into with him if she let herself think about all the memories of her deceased mother. It was easier to bury it all under a misguided sense of anger at the man she loved because deep down she knew he would take it even if he didn't deserve it.

"You've never told me that before." It's the only thing she can think to say.

"You've never wanted to discuss Bunny whenever she's mentioned." Jay grumbles.

His tone frustrates her. This conversation is difficult enough as it is, and he's already shutting down before they've had a chance to discuss it. It feels like beating her fist against a brick wall in the hopes that the structure might falter.

"Maybe because you always act like this."

"Act like what!?"

"Do you not hear yourself right now!?" Erin yells back standing up from the couch. She needs to move around; she's too worked up to just sit still and have a calm discussion anymore.

"Just the mention of her name has you on edge. You've been like this for as long as I've known you!"

"Okay…" Sara tries to interject, feeling the situation escalating.

"Well excuse me, sorry for trying to protect you!" Jay sasses back, standing as well.

Erin scoffs "Oh please, you handing out ultimatums in the middle of an argument is not protecting me – you like having control over me and our decisions as a family! Which is pretty ironic since you're not home enough to know what's going on!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean!? I'm trying to protect this city, to protect our family – it used to be something you felt called to do as well."

"Don't. Don't you dare try to make me feel bad for that. I loved my job; I love being a cop more than anything – and I gave it up so that you could have your dream! It's funny; that used to be something you admired about me."

"I'd probably admire it more if you hadn't been fucking around with Peter Stone! You want to talk about not being home enough to know what's going on? Because you were pretty damn absent even after he left Chicago."

"You guys …" Sara tries again to no avail.

"It's kind of hard to keep up the happy pretences when a co-worker leaving hurts more than the fact that my own husband prefers to be holed up in his office doing paperwork than having dinner with his children or lying in bed with wife as night. Forget sex, when was the last time we ever just slept peacefully with one another? You're always in that damn office until all hours of the night!"

"I have people I report to, Erin! I have an entire team depending on me to lead them and make sure that we get every loose end tied up."

"Okay, that's enough!" Sara's voice commands the room, breaking them out of their spiral.

They're both standing across the room, heaving chests as they try to calm themselves. Erin's not even sure how they got here; one minute they were discussing Bunny, the next it was Peter, then his job, her job, and now she's just confused and angry and so much more unsure than she was feeling last night.

"Well, now you know why I don't like talking about your mother." Jay sitting back down on the couch.

Erin rolls her eyes at his need to have the last word. There's a knock on the door and Sara sighs as she sees the time.

"Dammit," she whispers, "My next appointment is here."

She looks between Erin and Jay. Erin stays standing, still looking like she needs to settle herself before she can sit back down next to her husband. Jay's anger is a quiet one; Sara can see it sitting just below the surface. But it's there, for both of them. 'Bunny' seems to bring out the worst in them – Sara makes a note to dig deeper at a better time.

Unfortunately, she knows there's nothing they can do in the next five minutes to resolve this enough that Erin and Jay will leave this session on a better note. She's disappointed in herself for not stepping in earlier; their argument kept spiralling and changing directions and it's clear they're both thinking about everything that was said. It was a lot to take in, to digest for all of them.

"I'm going to try and clear some time for a session tomorrow. In the meantime, take a breath. If you don't think you can be around each other without it turning into an argument, then just give each other the space you need to avoid blowing up at each other. If you think you can sit calmly tonight and talk a little bit, then by all means try."

The receptionist knocks again, Jay and Erin know that's their cue to wrap things up. Neither one speaks, letting the therapist quickly tell them what she wants them to do before the next session so they can get the hell out of here.

"I want you two to think about what you want from each other. What's missing right now? Clearly, there's things you're both needing from each other but haven't been able to healthily communicate. We'll sit tomorrow and discuss them, and I want to break down what happened here today. It's evident it warrants a larger discussion than the next minute can provide."

Jay and Erin nod, and Sara tries to give them a reassuring smile.

"Healing is never linear. It takes time; try to keep that in mind."

The drive home is a stark contrast to last time. Where they previously felt hopeful, their bodies felt tired and dread-filled. Erin spent the journey looking out the car window while Jay focused on the road ahead. He glanced at her whenever they stopped at a light, but her head stayed firmly turned away from him. Erin's hands were in her lap and if it had been six years ago Jay wouldn't have hesitated to reach across and take her hand in his; a reassurance between the two of them. But too much had changed. Too many words had been thrown at the other today and while they were exhausted, their emotions were also livewires – one wrong move and everything would spark all over again.

Andrew was excited to see them when they walked in the door, but his sister could tell something was not right. Her parents' eyes seemed … not as bright as they were yesterday morning when her father was kissing her mother's cheek and thanking her for his coffee. They were distant, reserved and conversation was kept to a minimum. They seemed to struggle keeping a conversation with Trudy and Mouch as they were thanking them for babysitting and walking them out the door.

Dinner was quiet, her little brother was the only one that really spoke. Sometimes, Evie wished she had her brother's innocence. His naïve view of the situation. It would make her worry less.

…

Erin stood beside her daughter at the kitchen sink, washing the dishes and passing them to Evie to dry. It was a routine they had started when she first officially became their foster child; Evie always wanted to help around the house and Jay and Erin did their best to find a way to let her do so without making her feel like she had to earn her keep.

"Alright, little man, let's get you into bed." Jay groaned as he lifted Andrew and held him in his arms. Their little man wasn't quite so little anymore, nor was Jay quite so young to be hauling this kid on his hip everywhere. But he also wasn't quite ready for his son to hit that independent stage he inevitably would; so he would treasure these moments as long as he had them.

"Can you make sure you put his cream on tonight? He's got a little rash coming up on his back." Erin said, not looking up from the pan she was scrubbing.

"Yeah, I saw it earlier. Don't worry." Jay said beginning to walk to the stairs.

"His pyjamas are in the bathroom, I hung them on the back of the door."

"Okay."

"And make sure you put socks on his feet, it's been getting cold the last couple of days and I don't want him getting sick."

"I know how to take care of my kid, Erin." The edge in his voice made her stop short.

Evie looked at her parents, more confused and concerned over how they got here when they had seemed better the last few days. What the heck happened? Jay felt a pang of guilt in the silence, his daughter's wide eyes flicking back and forth between them.

"We're gonna head up. Drew, can you go say goodnight please?"

Andrew wiggled out of his Dad's arms and ran over to say goodnight to Evie and hug his mum's legs, Erin promising to come say goodnight before she went to bed. Jay picked Andrew up again when he came running and launched himself into Jay. He tried his best to put on a happy face and tickled Drew's side as he held him over his shoulder, his laughter bringing Jay a little comfort.

"Are you guys okay?" Evie asked quietly.

Erin continues to scrub the pan, putting all her frustration and energy into it. "It's just been a long day, Ev. We're all tired."

Everly nods, not really accepting the answer but not wanting to push her mother more. She can tell how tense Erin is now and she doesn't want to make it any worse. So, they stand in silence and finish up the dishes before turning off the lights and heading upstairs. As promised, Erin pops into her son's room and lays a goodnight kiss on his cheek while he sleeps. She then goes to Evie's room to wish her goodnight before standing outside of her bedroom door. The shower's running, so she knows Jay isn't waiting in bed for her. But she doesn't know if she can do this tonight.

So, she walks in and goes straight to the closet to change into her pyjamas. The water stops running. The pipes squeak shut and the lock on the door clicks open; Erin hears Jay's feet shuffling around as he rubs his towel over his head to dry his hair.

"Oh, sorry." Jay says sheepishly, wrapping his towel back around his waist before she can turn around to face him.

Erin sighs. She wants to remark how he never used to hide himself from her. How they used to be so free with one another. She wants to comment that it's not like she hasn't seen it, him, a million times before. But she says nothing. She knows that anything she says will just lead them to fight. And she's too tired right now.

Jay sits on his side of the bed after slipping his boxers on, putting his watch and phone on the charger as he pushes the blankets back. Erin stares at him, laying on his back and looking up at the ceiling. There's so much she wants to say, but she doesn't know how to. She can't do this. It's too much.

"I'm, uh, I think I'm going to go sleep on the couch."

Jay sits up at that, "What?"

"I don't want to fight, Jay. I'm tired. And there's things I want to say, but I know neither of us are in a place to have that conversation. But I don't think I can just sit here in silence all night either. I can't do it. I love you, but … I just can't be near you right now."

A/N: Don't hate me! I was going to make the present part of the chapter longer but it reached like 9.5k words and I realised it was just too much content for one chapter – so I'll do my best to get it up for you in the next couple of days. We'll be seeing a lot more of their friends and family in the next few chapters which I'm excited to share with you; they're also an integral part to Jay and Erin healing themselves and their marriage.

I know they're fight may have seemed a little weird, especially since they seemed to cover quite a few different topics at once. But as Sara said - healing is never linear. A comment about one thing can lead to arguments about another, and that's what I was aiming to show you all in this chapter. Hopefully it had that effect?

Please leave a review and let me know what you thought!

Until next time …