Chapter 14: When You Love Someone

"There've been changes in this house

Things you don't know about in this family.

It don't make sense but nevertheless

You gotta believe us, it's all for the best"

November 2018

Erin smiles down at the infant bouncing on her lap. She can't believe just how much he looks his daddy – the same dark brown waves of hair and light green eyes. Even his nose had that same flat slope. His lips were as pink as his mum's, and he had the same light complexion as her; but all Erin saw in this little boy was the man they had lost two years ago.

"He looks so much like him." Erin whispers as he played with her finger.

Olive smiles, holding three-year-old Danny on her hip as he tries not to fall asleep "He's Justin, through-and-through."

"He's so big. You're so big, JJ!" Erin exclaims softly, eyes wide as the 16-month-old looks up at her excitedly.

James Justin Voight, JJ for short, had been Olive's saving grace. The grief of losing Justin so unexpectedly, having to adjust to being a mum and provider all on her own, had nearly crushed her. Her boys were the only thing that kept her going, and in gaining a son she was able to mourn the loss of her husband. She had given their son the middle name of Justin after the father he would never know, but who she knew would have loved him with every fibre of his being. The name James had also been a tribute to him; it honoured a conversation they had late one night while cuddled in bed a week before Justin was scheduled to leave for his next tour. Olive had broached the topic of when, or if, they would ever have more children and Justin had told her he wanted two more – another son who would be as much of a mama's boy as their firstborn is, and then a little girl who would have him wrapped around her little finger from the moment she entered this world.

"I think James is a nice name for a boy, and it was my mother's last name. I don't really like first names that are someone else's – it's so much expectation to live up to. But I think this is kind of a cool way to honour her. Or we could give our daughter the middle name Camille; I think mum would like that too."

Erin can see Olive wrapped up in her own thoughts; it happened every time she came to visit. Sitting in Hank's house reminded her of when Justin first came home, after finding out Olive was pregnant. He had proposed to her in his childhood bedroom before the morning they were due to leave and head back to Base. Not to mention she had spent many a time in her teenage years being snuck in and out of this house by a young and horny Justin Voight.

"I can't believe it'll be two years tomorrow. It feels like it was just yesterday."

"I know what you mean." Erin says sadly.

The moment she and Hank opened that boot to find Justin was a memory that would never cease to haunt her. She missed him every day. She regrets not telling him more often, just how much she loved him; that he was her brother, and that she was so proud of who he had become. Erin still feels anger over his death – he deserved to be here to raise his children, to meet his second son, to grow old with his wife. But he would never get that.

"Hey, sorry to interrupt but Voight sent me in again to let you know lunch is ready." Jay says poking his head into the living room "He said if you're not out there in there the next two minutes he's eating without us."

Erin and Olive both laugh at that. Hank Voight was not a patient man, especially when it came to food.

"We'll be right there." Olive said, "Come on Danny, let's go wash your hands."

Olive walks out of the room and Jay moves towards Erin, kneeling down next to her. She can see the concern in his eyes and in the way he gently squeezes her thighs.

"You okay?"

Erin nods "Just a rough day, you know?"

"Yeah. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, missing the person you lost, honestly … you just kind of learn to live with it." Jay says giving her a sad smile.

"I'm really glad you're here though. Thank you." Erin kisses his cheek.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

Jay leans in slowly and Erin closes her eyes in anticipation, only for him to lift JJ off her lap and stand. Erin opens her eyes in surprise as she watches Jay – the little boy giggles as Jay lifts him over his head, JJ's laughter filling the room. Jay holds the infant with one arm, holding his other out to Erin to pull her up from the couch.

Erin rests her hand on his back as they walk to the backyard "You know, you look pretty good with a baby in your arms."

"Really," Jay smirks "This does it for you, huh?"

"Oh yeah; nothing sexier than a man being all soft and sweet. Add the world's cutest baby in their arms," Erin smiles and tickles JJ's stomach "It's quite the image."

Jay laughs, shaking his head at her antics. It's not the first time he's heard her say stuff like this, but it still manages to make him feel all tingly inside.

They both jump in surprise when they hear Olive's voice behind them.
"Don't get too clucky; that's how I ended up with a second one of them."

Erin laughs nervously, not really knowing how to respond to that. She and Jay hadn't had spoken about kids since the night of their trip to the tattoo shop. They'd agreed on having kids in the future, but not when. But Erin was quite content with their life right now, and Jay had only recently asked her for space to get on board with adopting Everly. There was no way he was ready for kids right now.

"Not just yet." Jay tells Olive "I gotta get her down the aisle first." Erin rolls her eyes at that.

"Finally!" Evie says when they all walk out onto the patio "Mr. Voight said we couldn't serve ourselves until you got here."

"It's just Hank, kiddo." The sergeant reminds her.

Evie had taken to calling most of their friends and family by Mr/Mrs, Sir/Ma'am. It was a respectful rule that her parents had taught her when she was a little girl, yet it was also one that she was told to use with strangers or people she wasn't that familiar with. She had been getting better at calling them all by their names, and she even had nicknames with some of the team in IU; but there was still this voice in the back of the little's girl head that was telling her not to get too comfortable. Because as soon as she did, she would have to go. And it would hurt more then.

"Sorry Peanut, we got distracted on the way." Jay says ruffling Evie's hair.

Erin watches them fondly as she sits across the table next to Hank. Evie and Jay's bond seemed to grow more and more every day; their shared trauma, and the consequences they both seemed to suffer from it, brought them closer in a bittersweet way. And while it comforted her to know that they had each other for comfort; Erin was equally scared that both Jay and Evie were taking so much of each other's pain on their shoulders that they would end up crushing each other under the weight of it all if they didn't each have support. But neither of them knew that Erin was aware of the nightmares that plagued them, or their late-night documentary watch sessions and she didn't want to risk upsetting them or making either of them feel like she had stepped over the line. So, until she saw reason to, Erin would let them lean on one another and hope that one day soon they would reach out for help.

…

(two weeks later)

Erin woke in the middle of the night. It wasn't unusual these days; she was so worried that Jay or Evie would be having a nightmare and the other would not hear, that every slight sound she heard had her waking up. Anxiety sat heavy in her heart and prevented her subconscious from pulling her too deeply into sleep, teetering on the edge of reality all night.

But this time was different. It wasn't the rustling of trees outside her bedroom window, or the rattling of the front door as the Chicago wind swept through their apartment stairwell.

"No…"

It was Jay.

"Mouse … You can't." He tossed and turned beside her "Don't go. Please ... Erin."

"Jay." Erin said softly, careful not to get too close "Jay, it's okay."

"No. You have to go!"

Jay moved more aggressively, the blankets pushing off his legs and sliding down onto the floor as his movement escalated.

"Don't hurt her! Erin!"

Erin watched Jay as he struggled, unsure of how to help. She knew from what he'd told her that sometimes his dreams could lead to violent outbursts if someone tried to wake him. But she could see that he was in pain, and it didn't seem like he was going to wake up.

"Jay. Wake up." Erin tried once more, hoping the sound of her voice might bring him back to the present.

"Run. Please, go! GO!"

His screams grew more painful and her resolve faded. Erin carefully reached one hand out to touch his shoulder. He didn't stir, even after she came into contact with him. Erin gently shook his shoulder. Jay's eyes flew open in an instant, startling both of them as he shot up in bed gasping for air. Erin crawled towards him, sitting just behind him as she waited for him to come back.

"You're okay, Jay. It's me. Erin. You're in Chicago. You're safe." She spoke softly, wanting nothing more than to reach out and hold him, to ease his pain somehow.

Jay stood up and silently walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Erin sat at the edge of the bed, listening to the hissing of their pipes as the water ran down the sink. She was tempted to break the lock and barge in, needing to see for herself that he was okay. His quietness had scared her – not because she thought he might put them in danger, but because Erin wasn't able to deduce the state of mind he was in. She had no way of knowing if he was still living in the world of his nightmare, or if he was aware of reality.

She got up the moment the lock clicked and was standing right there when he opened the door, startling Jay when he nearly walked into her.

"Sorry." She said "I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine." Jay shakes his head, moving around her.

"Hey…" Erin reached for his hand, but when he tensed under her touch she withdrew. Jay had never reacted to her like that before.

"Go back to bed. I'll be in soon."

Erin watched, confused as he walked away from her. The rational part of her said to do what Jay was asking of her. That if he needed space, she should give him that. But the other part – the part of her who loved that man with everything she had – wanted answers. Needed Jay to know that she was here, that he had to let her in because it broke her heart to see him in such pain and not know how to help him.

Jay was standing at the kitchen sink clutching a glass of water in one hand. Erin approached him slowly, turning on the lights so he would know she was there and sitting on one of the barstools at their kitchen counter.

"Can we please talk about this?" She starts off.

He doesn't turn to look at her, still staring out the window over the sink. She can see his shoulders moving up and down ever so subtly; he's trying to calm himself, to regulate his breathing so he can put his emotions and memories and trauma back into that tiny little jar that's shoved all the way inside of himself so that he doesn't have to deal with it.

"Jay, please. You're clearly struggling with something, and you're my partner; I love you and I want you to trust me enough to let me help you through it."

"There's nothing to talk about. It was just a bad dream. Happens sometimes."

"You were screaming in pain, babe. That's not 'just a bad dream' … And I know it's not the first time, either."

Jay's attention is caught now. His curiosity piqued at how she could possibly know that when he knows for a fact that she's been sound asleep next to him every time he's woken up like this.

"The night I went out with Kim, after we discussed adopting Ev. When I got back, I heard you two talking."

"You were listening in to our conversation?"

"It wasn't like that …"

"Sure, sounds like that to me."

Erin's taken aback by the tone of his voice. He'd gone from ragged and weak to boiling over within a fraction of a second.

"It was pure coincidence; It wasn't like I was planning some kind of stealth spy mission."

"But I bet you didn't come in straight away, right?" The guilt that flashes in her eyes tells him everything he needs to know. "Nah, you heard something of interest and you just couldn't give up the opportunity to know everything you wanted to."

"That wasn't my intention, Jay. I didn't want to interrupt you two because I could tell how serious of a conversation it was. Evie was opening up to you, and you were opening up to her. I didn't want to get in the way of that."

"You completely violated my privacy! How do you expect me to trust you, to talk to you, when you do shit like this!?"

"Are you being serious right now?" Erin scoffs "I'm sitting here telling you how much I love you, how worried I am for you; why are you trying to pick a fight with me?"

"Why are you sticking your nose in shit that doesn't concern you!?" Jay yells.

Erin glares back at him "Funny, I thought that being your partner, the woman you're supposed to be marrying; meant that we share everything. What's mine is yours includes all the messy parts too, Jay."

She stands abruptly and moves out of Jay reach before he can say a word "Forget it. We're obviously not going to solve anything right now, so I'll just do as you asked, stay out of your shit and go back to bed. When you want to talk, you know where to find me."

Jay stays quiet as she walks down the hallway towards their bedroom. For a moment Erin thinks he might follow after her, but the front door shutting quickly changes all that. She spins around and rushes back in the direction she just came.

"Jay?" she's trying to keep her voice down, to keep her panic quiet because if they had woken Evie up in all this, she has no idea how to explain it right now.

"Jay?" Tears fill her eyes when she sees the kitchen is empty. Had he really walked out again?

She walked to the large window in her living room, trying to see if she could spot him. Maybe he's just outside. Maybe he wanted to clear his head and thought the fresh air would help. Maybe he was standing just in front of the apartment building ready to come back up to her once he had settled down, because they both knew the conversation just now had escalated further than either of them could've expected.

But the street is empty and dark. Her heart sinks.

She has no choice but to wait. Evie's still sleeping in the other room and she can't exactly leave her there while she frantically searches the night for Jay. His phone was still sitting beside hers charging on the dresser and she had no way to contact him. She had no choice other than to wait here and hope he's coming back, or at least going somewhere safe like his brother's or Ruzek's. But she hopes Jay chooses to come home. He'd come home. She had to believe that. He always comes back to her.

…

It's quiet when Jay enters the apartment again. The moonlight has started to fade, and the soft sunlight is starting to stream in through the window. It's almost 5 in the morning. He didn't realise he'd been gone for so long – he had just kept running down along the sidewalk until his legs ached and his lungs burned, begging him to stop and breathe.

The time to clear his head had been cathartic. Jay. was able to take a moment to think; to really hear the words that Erin had been saying to him, and the words that he'd spat back at her. Regret and sadness hit him the moment the realisation occurred, and he rushed back to his fiancée as quickly as he could.

The apartment was quiet, save for a faint noise coming from their bedroom. Jay steeled himself as scenarios kept running through his head; visions of Erin packing her bags and storming out much like he had last year. She would tell him that this was all too much; that he was too broken and bruised and she couldn't help him even if he wanted her to. She would take Evie and leave him here all alone. And he would have no one to blame but himself.

The closer he gets to their bedroom door, the more panic sets in.

Erin's still awake. Jay can hear movement and he falters – his worst fears were coming true – until he hears a quiet gasp. He stands outside the room, listening for the noise again. He can hear her louder now, and the realisation that she's not leaving would have filled him with happiness, if he wasn't hearing her cries. Jay doesn't wait any longer to open the door.

His girl is curled up in the middle of the bed. His pillow is clutched against her chest as she blows her nose into a tissue, tears streaming down her face. His heart shatters – this is all his fault. Erin's head lifts up, she spots him in the doorway and her tears fall harder. Jay sits down on the bed, pulling her into his arms as she whacks her hand against his chest.

"Where" slap "the hell" slap "where you!?" she yells against his chest.

Jay just keeps holding her, whispering 'sorry' and 'just breathe' into her ear until she stops fighting him and gives into her emotions – letting out all her worry and tears, exhausting herself in his arms. He just holds her against his chest through it all.

"I'm so sorry." Jay says again "I didn't mean to be gone that long, I just lost track of time."

"I was worried sick, Jay. You know how walking out makes me feel. And after everything that's happened tonight …"

"I know. I know, I'm sorry."

Erin pulls back, eyes locking with his "Stop apologising and just- just talk to me. You've always talked to me."

"It's a lot Erin. I don't want you to put all that on you, that's not fair."

"It's not fair for you to shut me out, either, but that's what you're doing." Erin's hand rests on his cheek in comfort "I love you, and I'm not asking you to tell me every little detail if you're not comfortable doing so. But whatever you're carrying I want to carry it with you. That's part of what it means to be a partner. A wife. Please"

"Okay; but you go to promise to you and me that if we're talking this out, we are talking everything out. I don't like leaving things up in the air like we have been lately."

Jay puts his hand out and Erin smiles, grabbing onto his and shaking their joined hands.

"You and me. Deal."

…

They had spent that entire morning talking; the three hours before Evie woke up spent openly and honestly communicating. Jay confessed to all the nightmares he had been having since he got back from his UC assignment, and how he hadn't wanted to tell her because it meant admitting that he was still broken – and he didn't want to be anymore. He wanted to be strong and whole and good, for both her and Evie. Erin expressed her worry and sadness over pushing Everly's adoption paperwork, and reassured Jay that this little girl who had captured both their hearts loved him very much.

Evie didn't see the faults in Jay that he saw in himself. She only saw the kind and sweet man who sat with her after she had a nightmare and helped her go back to sleep; a man who helped her overcome the guilt she had surrounding her parent's death. The man who watched documentaries and took her for ice cream in the park. Jay was hesitant to file for adoption because he was scared that he wasn't enough, that he couldn't fill the role of a father in Evie's life because he hadn't gotten his own life together. And even though Erin didn't see it that way, she had to respect his feelings in all of this and work with Jay to reach a decision together.

They agreed to wait until the new year to start the official process to adopt Everly. Jay had his reservations about his ability to be a father, when he had so many issues going on inside his head. This way, it gave them both some more time to work on themselves and their relationship as a couple – Jay was going to start therapy and Erin was going to take the next few months to plan with Hank how they would be able to balance their new work-life schedule. She was hoping to find a way that she could somehow work part-time, or some arrangement that wouldn't result in Evie spending most of her time in after-school care or with a sitter.

It wasn't a complete solution, but they had a plan, and it was a huge step in the right direction for their little family.

December 2018

"So, how's his therapy been going?"

Erin smiles as she Kim paces back and forth. She's been like this for the last half-hour, trying to distract herself from the news that's inevitably waiting for her. Erin's answered question after question, waiting for her friend to finally feel ready to look at the test sitting on the edge of the bathroom sink. Kim had called Erin nearly two hours ago; she had asked her to come to apartment as quickly as possible and to bring as many different pregnancy tests as she could get her hands on.

They were now on test number five.

"He's good; it seems to be helping him. I don't know, I'm trying not to push him to talk to me about it, but from what he's told me it seems to be going well."

"Good. That's good. He seems better, too. Focused, well rested. It's good."

"How much longer are you going to stall, Kim?" Erin asks.

"I don't understand; why aren't you freaking out? I'm freaking out!" Kim suddenly exclaims.

"It's not my pregnancy scare," Erin laughs "Besides, I'm kind of a pro at this – I know how to stay calm."

"I guess, compared to a 15-year-old worrying she might be pregnant, a pregnancy scares at 29-years-old isn't so bad." She reasons.

There's a look on her face that concerns Kim; she can't quite figure out what's running through Erin's head in that moment.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to bring up bad memories.

Kim assumes that's what has happened. She knows quite a bit of her life story at this point in their friendship, but Erin still manages to surprise her.

"Actually, I took a pregnancy test a few months ago."

"Wait, what?"

"Jay was still undercover, and I just- I didn't want to say anything until I knew whether or not I was, and if I was … I wanted Jay to be the first person I told."

"You weren't though, were you?" Erin shakes her head "What did Jay say when you told him?"

"He doesn't know. Didn't seem worth bringing up, especially with everything that was happening when he came back."

Kim stares at the pregnancy test "What am I supposed to tell him?"

"The truth? I mean, Adam's already told you he wants to be with you, Kim. Is a baby really the worst thing that could happen?"

"We're not even a couple, not really. And a baby is a lot for anyone to handle, especially given our history … I already pictured the fairy-tale ending with him once before, Erin. And ending it nearly broke me. I won't survive it a second time."

Erin moves to stand next to Kim, resting her arm over her friend's shoulders "I know it's hard to imagine something other than the worst-case scenarios. But that man loves you more than words can describe. I can see that so clearly, just from the way he looks at you. And, okay, even if you decide not to get back together? It's still his baby, and if you're planning on keeping it-"

"Of course, I would."

Erin smiles "Well, then don't you think he'll find out about it eventually? It's not something you can hide forever."

Kim reaches out and turns the test over, the words '6+ weeks pregnant' lit up on clearly the little digital screen. Five tests. Five positive results. It didn't get much more accurate than that.

"Congratulations." Erin says, sounding more like a question.

"Thanks. And thank you, for telling me. It means a lot that you trust me like that."

"Of course, I trust you. And I know you're gonna be an amazing mother."

Kim smiles "You too. I mean, you already are."

2023 (one week after)

The last two days had been painfully awkward between them. Jay had tried to talk to Erin – to explain what he had meant in their last therapy session – as Sara had suggested for them to practice doing.

"It's not that I don't trust you, it's just…"

"That you don't trust me." Erin laughs, so sadly it breaks his heart "I'm not mad Jay, really."

"But it's honestly not what I mean! It sounds worse than it is; like something that it's not because I'm just struggling to find the right words to tell you what I'm really feeling, Erin."

Erin sighs "Look, it's fine. I mean it when I say I'm not mad. Yes, it hurts, but I have no one to blame but myself, and that's my burden to bear."

Her admission breaks him more, the defeated resignation in her voice hurts the both of them "Erin."

"It's true, Jay. I hurt you. And I have to process and accept it. Just- just give me a little time to do that, alright. I'll be okay." She says walking out of their bedroom.

"I'm sorry." He calls out.

Jay stands there hopelessly. Erin sighs, looking back at him "Look, it's not your fault; you're allowed to feel what you're feeling. I just don't know where we go from here. I just don't know where we go from here, if we go anywhere from here. I don't know what our next step is anymore. I'm not saying I'm ready to end all this, but I just … I don't know."

It's a new level of loneliness for both of them. The bed feels cold, and Erin has trouble sleeping – the sheer immensity of the space beside her is overwhelming.

She knows that this part of their disconnect is mainly her fault. No matter the reasoning for why she strayed from him, the fact is she did. And she didn't realise just how much she had hurt Jay until he spelled it out for her in black and white – so badly, that he no longer trusted the same way he used to. There was a fundamental difference in the way they saw this part of their history; miscommunication and more importantly misinformation coloured the circumstances, and neither of them would realise this until they were ready to sit down and talk it out properly. To work through the hardest parts of it all and get onto the same page as to the reality of their transgression.

They don't resolve things. Jay ends up sleeping on the couch the next night as well. He needs space, to breathe and think about all that Erin's said, and he knows she does too. He still goes up and says goodnight to her before he does, so that she knows he's not taking this as a sign to quit. He just wants to give her the time to think and process and feel whatever she needs to, without having to worry about his reaction.

Everly stares at her Dad, still asleep on the couch in their living room. To be fair, it's still quite early; she wouldn't even be up if not for the honking cars and screaming drivers that decided to get into some altercation near her bedroom window at this time of the morning.

Her parents had been going through a hard time, but they refused to tell her anything. From what they had told her it seemed like they were working through things. But the sight of Jay on the couch set with extra pillows and blankets from the linen closet – like he was all too familiar with this setup – said otherwise. It made her stomach drop and anger burn in her chest; they were lying to her.

Jay's eyes opened slowly, startled when he realised his daughter sitting on the coffee table watching him. "Hey, Ev. What are you doing up?"

"I came to get a glass of water. What's your excuse?" Jay can hear the fire in her voice, and he knows there's no way to escape the position they're in.

"Evie."

She stands suddenly, water swashing out of the glass as she does "I thought you said things were better. That you were trying."

"We are, but-"

"Yeah, because it really looks like it from where I'm standing!" Evie bangs the glass down on the coffee table and stomps back up the stairs.

Jay sits for a moment, his brain still trying to process exactly what's happened in the few minutes since waking up, before he's rushing up the stairs after her. The bedroom door is shut when he gets there but he can hear Evie's soft sniffles coming from inside.

"Ev?" He asks, knocking on the door "Sweetheart, can I come in?"

"Just leave me alone." He hears her call, voice cracking through her tears.

"Please? Come on. Let's just talk." Jay tries again.

He keeps knocking, hoping with every try that she'll let him in.

"Ev, Please." Jay begs a couple minutes later "Please."

"No! I don't want to talk. Just … Go away, Dad!"

"I'm not going anywhere, sorry."

"What's going on?" Jay's attention turns to his still-sleepy wife walking into the hallway.

"She saw me sleeping downstairs. Freaked out." Jay says softly "I think it scared her a bit."

"Shit." Erin mumbles, rushing in front of Jay and putting her ear against the door as she knocks "Everly? It's me. Can you let us in please? Your Dad and I are really worried about you. We need to know if you're okay, and you know we won't open this door without your permission. Not unless we think something's wrong. So, can you please just let us in? I promise, we'll explain. Please, Ev."

Jay's standing right behind her and she can hear his worry with how fast he's breathing. They're both stressed out, worried about their daughter; but they had always told her that she was allowed her space to have her feelings and they would never force their way into a space she felt safe in. She had to give them permission to enter her space; that was the rule.

'Your bedroom is yours, Ev. You have the right to tell us if you don't want us to come in, or if you want us to leave you alone. You can go through your feelings in your own space, if that's what you feel you need to do. We'll always respect your request for privacy, so long as you're asking politely. But if we think something's wrong, or you're a risk to yourself, then we might push you on it. Okay?'

It was an agreement the three of them had made when they first moved into this house after adopting her. They had done well to maintain and respect that agreement over the last five years. But both Jay and Erin could feel themselves quickly unravelling now; this was something they hadn't dealt with before. it was a new predicament for Everly to find herself in as well, this level of uncertainty, panic and potential for loss was something she had only faced once before in her young life.

Relief flooded them both when Evie said a quiet, "fine" and they both rushed inside. Their daughter lay curled up under the covers, as if she was trying to hide from the world. Jay moved over the bed and gently pulled the covers down to reveal an inconsolable Evie, instantly taking her into his hold. Erin kneeled on the floor beside them, resting her chin atop her folded arms. She lets Jay take the lead, not wanting to overwhelm Everly by crowding her. She knows that her daughter craves comfort – she always has – but too many people when her emotions are high can feel stifling.

"Evie, I know what you saw probably hurt you. I'm really sorry for that." Erin starts.

"You keep lying to me. You said you're working on … whatever, but it doesn't seem like you are."

"No one's lying to you, Ev. We are figuring things out, and sometimes that means we have to take a breather and give each other some space before we talk again. That's not an indication of anything, good or bad."

"Why are you not sleeping in the same bed? And why does Grandpa Hank, or Kim, or everyone else really, keep looking after us while you guys disappear for hours? I just don't understand!" She cries again and Jay keeps rubbing his hand up and down her back, giving her time to let out everything she's feeling.

Jay looks at Erin, silently asking her permission, and she nods in agreement. He smiles a little at that. At least they could still communicate with each other when it really mattered. Jay took a deep breath, trying to sort through his thoughts and decide how best to start explaining to his fourteen-year-old daughter what exactly was going on between her parents. It seemed easy enough in his head, but despite Evie's maturity she was still a young teenager and she didn't need to know every little detail.

"Your mum and I haven't exactly been happy lately." Jay starts "And we realised that we needed to get some help, so that we can figure out how to fix that."

Evie looks between worriedly "Do you not love each other anymore?"

Erin jumps in, reaching out to take Evie's hand and reassure her "Of course not. I love your Dad, and I love our family, that will never change."

"I still don't understand. How do you just wake up one day and decide you're not happy?" Evie questions.

Erin looks to Jay, at a loss for what to say. How did they get here? Truthfully, she's been struggling to answer that question for herself.

"Your mum and I have been through a lot in the last ten years. It's normal for couples to have a hard time, it doesn't mean that it's not fixable. And that's what we're trying to do; that's why Grandpa Hank, or Kim, have been looking after you guys a little bit more lately. So, your mum and I can talk and take some time together to … reconnect."

It's a good answer, Erin thinks. Better than telling Evie that they're in couples counselling. Their daughter tends to hear things like that and assume the worst, having grown up with the belief that she was bound to lose the things that matter to her and the people she loved the most.

"Ev, we can't tell you everything because we don't know everything right now. I meant it when I told you that the first time, and it's still the truth. I know it's hard, but we need you to be patient with us, okay? I'm sorry we're upsetting you with all of this, but we're figuring this out as we go along too. But no matter what, we love you. And you've got us, always." Jay adds.

Everly stays quiet, leaving her parents in suspense.
"Yeah. Sure."

Erin forces a smile "Do you want us to sit with you for a little while?"

"No. I made plans with Amy; she needs a new dress for something." Evie groans, not really looking forward to the hours of shopping ahead of her but also not wanting to stay in her house any longer than she has to right now.

"I should get ready."

Jay and Erin look between one another, not quite ready to leave their daughter but also knowing they don't have much choice. She's closing them off. They can feel it happening, but they can't do anything about it; she has to process all this the way she feels is best for her. Even if it means she wants to do it alone.

The three days that followed were the hardest Jay and Erin had in a while. Everly was moody and testy with them anytime they tried to talk to her. Everything that was asked of her, was done with a sour attitude and if it wasn't for her little brother curbing her attitude with his presence, Jay and Erin would've never caught a break from it. They tried to be firm with her when she stepped too far over the line, but it was a difficult balance. They never meant for their marital issues to affect her – to hurt her – but the consequences of their issues had unintended ripple effects upon their kids.

"I don't know what to do." Jay tells the older man "She's just got such an attitude lately, and I know that's because of us, but it's just hard. She would've flat out refused coming with me now, if not for the fact that she would be seeing you."

"I'll talk to Miss Evie, but first I want to talk about you."

"Me?" Jay looks confused. He's here to get help with his daughter, not himself.

"You just told me your entire relationship is in limbo, of course I want to talk about you. Have you even thought about what Erin's said to you?"

He watches his daughter in the distance, laying on a picnic rug reading a book. Truthfully, he hasn't really had the time. Between work and Evie's new attitude, Jay hasn't had a moment to reflect on the current situation with his wife. They've both been so focused on catering to Everly's feelings and trying to make sure she had their support if she needed it, that nothing else has really been at the forefront of his mind lately.

"She basically said the ball's in my court, and I guess she's not wrong. I'm the one with the trust issues."

"She's the one who gave them to you."

Jay chuckles "I can't figure out if you're trying to save my marriage or encourage me to end it."

"I want what's best for you, Jay. Simple as that. But I will say this much: if I had the time over again with Katherine, I …"

"Dad." Jay sighs

It's still such a weird feeling, to be confiding in his father like this. Even after all these years. They had slowly mended their relationship after a fire in his apartment building forced Pat Halstead to re-evaluate his life. He realised just how empty he was, how little he knew his own children, and it was all his own fault. So, he tried to make amends. It took years before Jay had learned to trust his father and let him in completely, but the mention of their past is still a sore spot for him.

"After your mother died, I was so afraid of loving – of feeling anything again – I hid inside a bottle for nearly fifteen years." Pat gulps, the same familiar shame hitting him like it always did "If I had the time with her again, I would have done so many things different … I wouldn't have made the decision I did, that caused such a great rift in our marriage before her death. I know she understood it – she always did – but it wasn't fair to her. If I could do it all again I would. I would be a better husband, a better father too."

"What are you saying, Dad?"

"I'm saying that, no matter what step you and Erin take next, just … make sure you both don't have any regrets. Don't make the same mistakes I did. You'll never forgive yourself, trust me on that."

Pat squeezes his son's shoulder, leaving him sitting on the park bench so he can go and join his granddaughter a few feet away. Jay watches Evie smile – the first real smile Jay's seen in days from her – as Pat sits down next to her. The expression on his face is humorous to Jay; he's likely complaining about how Evie should really sit near a bench, so he doesn't have to hurt his old back attempting to sit with his granddaughter, just as he always does when they do this together.

Everly closes his book when Pat starts speaking, and her eyes flick between Jay and her grandfather before she replies to whatever he's asked her. Jay feels thankful that she's finally talking to someone; though he wishes she would open up to him. Jay never expected his relationship with Erin to spiral so far, to affect Evie the way it has. He never thought it would have the effect it's had on himself or Erin, either. But digging into their past has had a lot of consequences – some good, some bad. Erin seems to think he's done. That because he no longer trusts her, he's not wanting to fix their marriage anymore. He's been trying to think of a way to better explain himself these last few days with no luck. Jay knows in his head that it's not how he meant it, but his heart's having trouble communicating the right words to express the hurt he's been feeling for so long.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he blindly answer the call, without taking his eyes off Evie and Pat.

"Halstead."

"Jay," Erin's panicked voice has his heart lurching in his chest. He can hear the tears clogged in her voice, like she's trying to force them back down.

"Erin? What's wrong?"

"We're on our way to hospital and I just-I can't … Please, I need you."

A/N: So ... Don't hate me?

This chapter feels a bit clunky, there's a lot happening in both the past and the present. But I promise it'll all make sense soon enough.

Forgot to mention the song for last chapter was 'Mercy' by Shawn Mendes and this chapter is 'When You Love Someone' by James TW :) This song is actually what inspired this whole story! It was originally supposed to be a Linstead family break-up/divorce story but clearly things changed haha

Nevertheless, hope you all enjoyed this chapter – Please leave a review and let me know what you think!