A/N: Hi friends! I am so sorry I've been MIA lately. There's been a lot going on and I have not been in a good headspace; every time I sat down to write I would literally just stare at my screen or notebook with a blank brain unable to write anything, or I would hate everything that I was writing and end up deleting it anyways. So, I took a little break until I felt the motivation/inspiration to write again. And finally, I felt it today :)
I tried my best but this chapter still feels like a little bit of a filler, but after a month off it feels good to have just written something that I actually like lol
Nevertheless I hope it's a good read for you all. Thank you for sticking around, and to those who sent me PMs here or messages on Twitter – I appreciate your kindness and support so much x
Chapter 17: Make It Out of This Mess
"This love is difficult,
but it's real."
March 2019
Jay had never felt more nervous in his entire career, than he did when Hank Voight practically kicked his partner Hailey out of the Sierra and informed them both that she would be partnering with Antonio until he leaves for the DA's office, so that she could learn from him since he was the person she would be replacing, and that Hank would be riding with Jay.
In recent months, it felt like Jay and Hank had been on rocky ground. Their boss wasn't quite as happy about Jay's engagement to Erin as others in their life had been. They'd worked through that – Erin and Jay had sat for hours with Hank one Sunday night in deep discussion about why they were ready to make this work, why they were committed to building a life together here and why she was giving up her job offer in NYC to do so – and Hank had been more than supportive of Everly joining their little family, but the news of Erin's surprise pregnancy had thrown them back into this awkward atmosphere.
"Uh, Sir?" Jay glances over at Voight when he pulls up to a red light, "No offence, but why are you riding with me for this?"
They were currently on their way to speak to their victim's sister and brother-in-law, who she had been living with at the time of her murder. It was an important part of their case, because it gave them the opportunity to gather information that could help them fill in the missing pieces of this puzzle; but it wasn't really something that required the head of a specialised unit to take the lead on. It was a routine part of their procedures. So, the fact that Voight was inserting himself into this made Jay worry – was there more to this case than he knew? It was certainly a possibility when Hank Voight was concerned.
"Just felt like getting out in the field. Even the old dogs can run around every once in a while, Halstead."
"Oh, of course- I didn't mean- I … I'm looking forward to working with you, sir." Jay said, thanking the heavens above when the light turned green, and he focused back on the traffic instead of trying – and failing – to not stumble through this conversation any further.
…
"I want you to run this unit."
Jay nearly swerved into oncoming traffic when Voight suddenly spoke up. They were on their way back to the district after chasing up a lead that they had gotten from the victim's sister, and his Sergeant had been very quiet for most of the trip. Jay looked at Voight out of the corner of his eye as he remained focused on the traffic.
"I'm sorry?"
"I'm not getting any younger, Halstead. Eventually, one of these days, I'm not going to be running this unit anymore; either I retire, or I'm six feet under because of a bullet. A long time ago, Camille and I promised that I would retire when we became grandparents. Olive and Justin were never here though, so it didn't make sense to me. But now Olive's thinking about moving back to Chicago and you and Erin are adopting Evie, she's pregnant and I just want to spend however many years I have left living out the dream my wife had for us. I owe her that." Voight sighs "I want to leave this unit in the hands of someone I know; someone who knows this unit as well as I do and who will be able to fulfill the responsibilities this unit has. I think that's you."
"But … I'm not a Sergeant.
"So, take the exam." Voight says, like it's the simplest thing in the world "Exams are every six months, plenty of time."
Jay stays silent. His brain is overwhelming him with different thoughts and questions. Could he run a unit of his own? Why was Hank picking him, when he's always kept Antonio as his number two or Erin? Antonio was leaving and Erin was pregnant; was Jay just option number three? How was he supposed to raise a child and look after his pregnant fiancée, train under Voight and study for the Sergeant's exam? Did he even want this?
"Look, I don't need an answer right away. If we do this, I'm going to make sure you know everything there is to know before I pass the reigns over to you. So, if you decide this is what you want to do, then you let me know."
"I … alright. Thanks." Jay mumbled, pulling into the district and parking the car.
Hank heads upstairs, Jay trailing behind him in a daze. Did that really just happen?
"Hey good lookin'." the teasing tone of Erin's voice breaks through the haze.
She's poking her head out of the locker room, hand on her stomach and her light complexion looks pale. Jay's focus automatically goes to her.
"Are you okay?" he asks reaching to touch her cheek. She's flushed, her skin warm to the touch.
"I finally understand why all those women on tv pull that 'I don't know why they call it morning sickness if it lasts all day' line." Erin quips, smiling at him "I'll be fine. Are you okay?"
Jay nods mutely, but Erin can see the storm behind his eyes. She takes his hand and pulls him into the locker room with her. She sits him down on the bench and sits beside him, Jay pulling her legs into his lap and softly pressing her legs. Erin smiles. He knows how tired her body has been lately, and she appreciates his ever-sweet nature; even though he's using it as a distraction from his thoughts.
"What happened? Did Hank do something?" Erin asks. She knows Jay has never seen eye-to-eye with Hank's particular method of 'justice' and she'd been worried the entire day that her pseudo-father would put her fiancée in a position he wasn't comfortable being in.
Jay shakes his head "He wants me to take over the unit."
Erin's eyes widen "Seriously?"
"Does it seem that ridiculous?" He asks, affronted.
"No! Babe, no, of course not. I just didn't realise Hank was considering retiring." Erin wraps her arms around one of his, resting her head on his shoulder "What did you tell him?"
"I didn't know what to say. He told me to take some time to think about it, but I just …"
"What's going through that head of yours?"
Jay sighs "Voight and I have never gotten along, especially where this job is concerned. Why would he want me, of all people, to take over this unit?"
"… Maybe he realises that his way of doing things isn't the way forward. Honestly, I can't answer that for you. Only Hank has that answer." Erin runs her hand along his jaw, turning his head so Jay's looking her in the eye "The reasons why don't matter. All that matters is, do you want to do this?"
"Do you think I can do this?" Jay asks, his voice so soft and unsure that it makes Erin's heart ache.
"It doesn't matter what I think, Jay."
"It matters to me." He argues.
Erin gives him a small smile, brushing her thumb along his cheek as she looks at him.
"Of course, I think you can do this. But do you think you can do this? Do you want this?"
Jay stays quiet, resting his forehead against Erin's. The air on his face as she breathes is oddly calming, reminds him to breathe as well. She doesn't rush him, holds onto him and waits for him to admit what she already knows in her heart.
"Yeah," He sits up and clears his throat before speaking again, surer of himself "Yes. I want this. I want to run this unit."
Erin smiles "Then what's stopping you?"
Jay shakes his head "It's not that simple though. We- I- I have to study for the Sergeant's exam and Voight wants to 'train me' – whatever that's supposed to mean – plus we have a kid at home. And we're having another kid! We're supposed to be looking for a bigger house, and planning a wedding, and getting ready for the baby, and I'm supposed to be taking care of you and Ev and-"
"Whoa, Jay. Breathe, babe. Just breathe." Erin stops him, taking his face in her hands again "In, out. Good." She says when he follows her instructions.
She waits a minute, waits for his breathing to settle again before she continues "Now, listen to me. Yes, we have a lot going on, but it's nothing that we can't handle. We've dealt with a lot worse things all at once before. I mean, the baby's not going to be needing its own room right away so we're not in a rush to find a house. And it's not like we're in a rush to get married either; we've been living in this sin this long, what's another couple or months or so?"
Jay chuckles at that and Erin smiles "And I appreciate how much you love me and want to take care of me and Everly and this baby, but I'm a big girl. I can handle more than you think."
"I know how strong you are, but you shouldn't have to be. You've had to do so much on your own. I should be here for this."
"And you will be," Erin insists "Studying for your exams, taking over this unit, doesn't mean that you can't be here for the moments that matter. We have to schedule the doctor's appointments around our work schedule anyways, and I'll do whatever I can to help you study. Antonio's taken the exam before, I'm sure he would be more than willing to help too. And I know you would never forget about me or Evie; I know you'll make the effort for us. We can make this work, Jay. If this is what you want, we'll make it work."
"You … Are you sure?"
"I've never been more sure, Jay. That's what partners are for Jay. We got this."
Jay pulls back and looks down at the woman sitting next to him, completely in awe of her. His partner. She's always had his back, and he's never been more grateful for it than in this moment; this huge moment in his career that feels so damn overwhelming he's not even sure of himself. But she is. And he's so damn thankful that she's there to ground him – his anchor in the storm.
"You're amazing." he whispers.
Erin chuckles, flipping her hair off her shoulder jokingly "Well, I try."
"No, I'm serious." Jay urges "I don't know what I would do without you."
Erin leans up and kisses his side, mumbling against his cheek as she promises "You don't ever have to worry about that. You've got me, always."
…
The unit heads out in the early evening. There's nothing they can do until the final coroner's report comes through, or one of their CIs provide them information. They had hit a wall and Voight figured they might as well get some rest while they could.
"I'll text Will and let him know we're on our way." Erin says as she puts her jacket on.
She looks to Jay, who's standing still looking at the closed door of Voight's office. Erin can feel the nerves radiating off him. She doesn't understand why he's feeling so insecure about Hank's offer; to her, it makes perfect sense for Jay to run this unit. He was the best out of the unit and while she had a lot of respect for Hank and the way he did things, she knew Jay would take this team in a better direction. One that would involve a lot less drives out to the docks. He would do whatever it took to protect this team, just like Hank did. Jay would do right by Hank's legacy while making one of his own. She was immensely proud of him – Erin just wished that Jay would see himself the way that she did.
Jay fidgets with his jacket zipper, contemplating his moves. He can feel Erin's eyes on him, hears her light footsteps come up behind him and her hand on his back.
"I'm going to pick up Ev from Will's. I'll meet you at home?"
"You're not staying?" Jay turns to look at her, his eyes silently pleading with her as he takes her hand in his.
Erin smiles reassuringly "You can do this, Jay. You don't need me."
"That's not true."
"Okay, well then you don't need me for this." She chuckles "You want this? Then you got to prove it to yourself and Hank, which is why you need to go in there on your own. You're going to be a leader, Jay; show him that you mean it."
She's right and he knows it. As much as he wants her by his side, to have that reminder that the woman he believes he can do this, Jay has to believe in himself. It's something he's always had a hard time doing, but if he's going to have a shot in hell at running this unit then he needs to start doing so; or at least, faking it until he can truly start to feel it.
So, Jay nods and Erin leans up to kiss his cheek "I'll see you at home. We can celebrate properly then."
"Can't wait." Jay smirks.
Erin squeezes his hand once more, silently hoping that her touch will somehow give him the strength that she knows he's got inside him. That he will back himself the same way that she does; that he'll trust in himself and his ability as fiercely as she does.
Once she's disappeared from his sight, Jay takes a deep breath, straightening his posture and letting go of his jacket so his arms are beside him. He walks tall, trying to remain confident in his decision. He stands before the door and takes another breath before he knocks, waiting until Voight signals him before he opens the door and walks inside.
"Something you need?" Voight asks, not looking up from his paperwork.
"I want it." Jay says simply.
Voight looks up at him expectantly and Jay steps forward "I mean, if the offer is still available, then my answer is yes. I want to be the next leader of Intelligence Unit. I would be honoured, sir."
Jay waits with bated breath. A part of him thinks Voight might pull the rug out from under him; that he's let Jay stew all day, build up his confidence and his hopes in this possibility, only to tell him that he was never really a consideration for the position. He can feel the anxiety gnawing at his gut the longer the older man stays silent.
Voight sets his pen down as he finishes the page he's filling out. He takes his glasses off, setting them down on the desk before standing up and looking at his detective.
"Then you better get some rest in that case, because tomorrow we get to work. And I won't be going easy on you."
The relief hits Jay like a ton of bricks. The tightness in his chest eases, his stomach stops flipping around inside him and the worry that filled him a moment ago is instantly replaced with anticipation, and maybe a little happiness, of what's to come.
"Thank you, sir." Jay said extending his hand out to his boss.
Voight chuckles as he shakes Jay's hand "Jay, you're marrying the girl who's basically the only family I got left, having another kid with her, and now you're taking over my unit; I think it's about time you called me Hank."
Jay couldn't help the smile that graced his face as he nodded and corrected himself
"Thank you, Hank."
(two weeks later)
Erin's stomach tightened as she remained hunched over the bin in the locker room. Her arms grip tightly to the top of the plastic as she empties her the little contents that was in her stomach. She's been struggling to keep food down the last three weeks; her little one seemed to have a very particular palette. She's nine weeks pregnant now. The doctor assured her that morning sickness and nausea would ease up by week ten, but so far Erin is reluctant to believe her – she only seems to be getting worse.
"Okay, I know this isn't the best place to do this but I gotta talk – oh shit, are you okay?" Kim's voice echoes from somewhere behind her and suddenly she feels her friend's hands rubbing her back soothingly.
"I'm fine. Sorry." Erin stands up and wipes her mouth, going to the sink to splash some water on her face.
Kim gives her a small smile in the mirror "You don't have to apologise every time I see you experiencing pregnancy, Erin."
Erin looks guiltily at her friend. After Evie, Hank and Will; Kim and Adam were the first ones in their close circle that Erin and Jay had spoken to about their pregnancy. It had only been three months since Kim had lost her baby and she had been struggling with it. She'd pushed Adam away because she blamed herself, and she wanted him to blame her too. She pushed Erin away because she didn't want her pity. She isolated herself from everyone and everything dear to her, and let her grief consume her. Adam had tried to give her space at first, but seeing how badly she was hurting became too much and he forced his way in. It had turned out to be exactly what Kim needed, though she had been angry at him for doing so at first. But she had now been in therapy for close to two months, and she and Adam seemed to be slowly coming back together. Jay knew how much his friend wanted to be with the woman he loved, but he was being careful to not rush into things given their fragile state.
When Erin and Jay had sat them down and told them about the pregnancy, Erin had apologised profusely. She was happy about her pregnancy, despite the initial fears that rushed through her when she waited for the results, but she knew that her best friend was still healing. She didn't want this news to be a setback for Kim. But Kim had surprised her; she'd been supportive and even happy for Erin and Jay. She hugged Erin tightly and told her that this time was a gift, and that she would be an amazing mother.
"You don't hate me?" Erin asks tearfully.
Kim shakes her head against Erin's shoulder "I could never hate you for this, Er. Yeah, it makes me a little sad, but I could never hold this against you. I may have only had my baby for a few weeks, but I know how special this time is. I know how much you're going to love this side of motherhood, how you'll thrive in it, and I can't wait to see that. After all the sadness, this is so good. This is something to celebrate."
Erin wipes her hands dry and sits down on the bench in front of her locker, taking deep breaths as she tries to settle her stomach "What did you want to talk to me about?"
"Oh, it's okay. It can wait." Kim dismisses.
"Oh no, if I'm not supposed to be apologising for everything pregnancy-related, then you can't side-step whatever's going on just because you feel bad watching me experience everything pregnancy-related. So come on, out with it already."
Kim gives in and sits down next to Erin, picking at the little tear in her jeans as she works up the courage to tell her friend what's on her mind.
"Adam and I had sex." She blurts out.
Erin turns to face Kim, eyes wide in surprise and excitement "Wait, what?"
"Yeah … about a month-and-a-half ago." Kim mumbles.
"Kim, what the hell?" Erin exclaims "You guys were barely speaking then, how did that even happen?"
"I told you about the night he came to my apartment, when he convinced me to get help?" Erin nods "Well, there was a moment before that."
"A moment?"
"He came over, like, a week before? And I was particularly emotional that night. He asked what he could do to tell, and I told him to sit down, shut up and drink. So, he did."
"And then you two did." Erin surmises. It's a tale as old as time, and one that's very familiar to her and Jay's history as well.
Kim takes a breath, standing up and pacing in front of Erin "Yeah, we did. We- we really, really did."
Erin smiles "Okay, so that doesn't sound like it's a bad thing, right? Or do you regret it happening?"
"No, of course not. I mean, at the time I thought it was a mistake. But, when he came over again and helped me, I started to think that maybe it was the turning point for us. Clearly we still have some feelings to work through."
"So then why do you sound like someone just gave you three months to live?"
"Because … because I think I'm pregnant." Kim stopped and looked at Erin.
"You think?" It was the only thing Erin could manage to ask. She hadn't expected any of this conversation, and her brain was still playing catch up trying to process the last five minutes of information.
"I took a pregnancy test. It's in my locker. I couldn't look at what it says." Kim sits back down, her body sagging, feeling tired from the outpour of emotions "What if it says I'm pregnant?"
"Would that be the worst thing in the world?" Erin asks.
Tears prick Kim's eyes, and she shakes her head no "I want to be a mum so bad, but after last time … I don't know if I can do it again. Let myself be happy, let myself picture my life with a baby, with Adam, only to have the rug pulled out from under me."
"You can't know that it'll be the same as last time, Kim."
"You can't tell me it won't be."
Erin wraps her arm around her friend's shoulders, pulling her into her side "You're right, I can't. But what I can promise is that no matter what happens, you'll have Adam and me and Jay and everyone else who loves you in your corner. We're all here for you. Have you told Adam yet?"
"No. I'm really scared, Erin. Losing the baby hurt him too. I left him all alone in his grief; it's a lot to ask him to go through again."
"I know. But he wants to be there for you, to be with you. And if there's a baby, he's going to want to be there for that as well." Erin hugs her tighter "If you want, I'll stay with you and we can look at the test together, just like the last time. But I think it would be better if you go and get Adam, so that you two can do this together. Let him be your strength."
2023 (two months after)
Kim and Adam sat on the couch in the Halstead's living room. The television was on, playing at a quiet volume so as not to wake the four sleeping children upstairs. Their twins had decided to sleep over in Andrew's room, telling their parents they needed to keep him company 'in case he feels sick again'. They'd let it slide, knowing that Andrew was struggling to sleep alone anyways since he's been spending the last few nights in Erin and Jay's bed since his hospital stay.
"You know, these drama soaps of yours are great and all but it really doesn't have the same effect without the volume." Adam jokes, looking at his wife.
Kim looks up from her book, a sharp remark about how they're his soaps ready on the tip of her tongue, when Erin and Jay's voices are heard outside.
"Would you just wait a minute? You're not even willing to hear me out!"
"Oh, I heard you just fine. If I'm such a regret, then why did you even stick around this long? Why say yes in the first place?"
"That's not fair, you're twisting my words!"
"I think your words were pretty damn clear, Erin!"
"Looks like the drama soap decided to do a live re-enactment" Kim sighs, placing her book on the coffee table and patting her husband's leg as she stands up "Maybe you should turn that volume up a little."
Adam looks at her with sympathy as she walks out the front door "Good luck."
Erin and Jay come stomping up the driveway, and Kim swears she can see steam coming out of the man's ears.
"You said it, don't try and act like you didn't."
Erin groans, trailing behind her husband "I'm not! But you're taking it out of context, if you would just listen-"
"I think I heard enough tonight already." Jay grunts.
"Hey!" Kim whisper-yells, motioning with her hand across her neck to tell them to cut it the hell out "Unless you want to wake your kids and mine, you need to shut up right now."
"Sorry." Jay grumbles, glaring at his wife as she comes to stand beside him.
"You two could've waited until you were calm to come home, Adam and I can handle it."
"This is us after we calmed down." Erin says softly.
Kim looks between the two of them in disbelief. They should've been home about an hour ago, and she knew that they sometimes took a little longer to get home so that their emotions could simmer before they walked into their home and saw their children. But for them to still be this emotional, even after that? She couldn't quite fathom what had gotten them both so riled up to cause that.
"Seriously?" She asks.
"Seriously, Kim."
"Okay, well you two need to either stay out here until you can calm down for real, or keep yourselves under control long enough to get upstairs and in bed before your argument wakes up the entire household."
Both Jay and Erin stay silent, feeling like two little kids who had just been scolded by their mother. They knew Kim was right, but their heads were all over the place and they weren't thinking clearly.
"Okay, like I said the kids are asleep. So, Adam and I are gonna grab ours and head out, if you two will be alright?"
Jay stays quiet and instead chooses to walk into the house and upstairs.
"Yeah, we'll be fine." Erin says, "Thank you for watching them, Kim."
"You know it's not a problem. I love those kids like they're my own. Is everything okay, with you two? Will you really be alright tonight, or do you want us to stay?"
"No, it's fine. It was just a rough night." Erin forces a smile to her face, hoping it's enough to ease Kim's worries.
It's not, but Kim decides to let it go anyways. She can see how tired her friends are, emotionally and physically, and she didn't need to be adding to their stress or smothering them with her own worries for their relationship.
Adam and Jay are in the kitchen when the women walk inside. Kim's about to call out for husband, to tell him to help her grab their kids and get out of Jay and Erin's hair, but Jay's voice stops the two of them in their tracks.
"My wife thinks I never should have proposed to her. How do you think I feel?"
Erin tenses up and Kim looks at her questioningly. Her glassy eyes shimmer with tears she's trying hard to hold back. Jay's words cut deep and the look on Kim's face makes her feel even worse.
"Erin …"
"Not now, Kim. Please."
Kim watches her friend for a moment, contemplating again whether or not she should butt in. She can't help it. These are her friends – practically family now – she loves them both so much and she only wants to help. But Erin looks like she's about to fall apart, and Kim knows has to accept that pushing the conversation right now will only make matters worse.
"I'm sure that's not what she meant, just-"
"Adam," Kim walks into the kitchen first, giving Erin a minute to collect herself and stopping the conversation before they overhear anything else "We need to get the twins home, can you come help me please?"
Adam looks at his wife confused, but when Kim's eyes widen and she nods her head towards the staircase, he lets their discussion die out and proceeds to follow his wife. When he sees Erin standing on the other side of the wall, unbeknownst to Jay, it makes more sense.
They walk into Andrew's room quietly, locating their son and daughter laying on the floor on either of side of the littlest Halstead. Kim's heart warms at the sight – her babies were just too sweet with how much they loved Erin and Jay's kids. Adam carefully picks up Lily while Kim grabs Jack. His little girl subconsciously wraps her arms around her Dad's neck, and Adam smiles when he sees Kim holding Jack fireman-style; their little boy's body slouched in his mother's arms.
"I can't understand how they got to this point." Adam says as they quietly exit the room "I mean, I think of how much we went through and I just … I don't get it."
"The difference is that we did the work in that moment to get through it all. Our emotions were so heightened at the time that we didn't have any other choice. But Jay and Erin didn't reach that until now; it's years of unresolved emotions, shit they should've dealt with ages ago but couldn't because of what else was going on in their lives. It's all coming to the surface now."
"What the hell happened tonight? I mean I know what Jay said happened but, do you really think Erin said that?"
Kim shakes her head and sighs "I know there's more to the story than that, but what the story is? That, I have no idea."
Erin walks up the stairs as Kim and Adam head down, the couple pausing to quietly say goodnight as she passes and Erin thanks them once again for tonight. She waits until she hears the front door close before continuing to the bedroom, nervously wondering what awaits her. She's tired and she just wants to go to bed, but it's her words that got them into this argument now. It's what she said that angered Jay enough that he walked out of their therapy session ten minutes early and drove off, refusing to answer her calls or pull over despite the fact that Erin was driving behind him for the entire hour before he finally decided to just make his way home.
Jay tries to ignore her presence when he hears their bedroom door open. He's brushing his teeth, and he's determined to be done with his night routine before she even steps foot into the bathroom. He feels hopeful that he can quickly change, get into bed and fall asleep before Erin joins him, only to find her seated in her pyjamas waiting on the bed for him.
The disappointed look on her face when he walks to the closet to change does not go unnoticed. Jay doesn't contemplates sleeping on the couch, something he hasn't done in the near two weeks since Andrew's become a permanent fixture in their bed at night. But their little boy is sleeping soundly in his own room and there's no barrier between them. And so, he thinks that maybe the couch is a good option. But Sara's told them both to be careful about using the couch as a way to avoid a conversation, too.
"It's good to recognise when you can't meet each other halfway. When you know a conversation is not an option, that you can't communicate with your partner in that moment because you're not in the right headspace to do so. But it's important to try and take a minute before you rush off to the couch and push the conversation to the next day, or week, or just hope that you never have to bring it up again. Giving each other space is healthy, but pushing each other, or running, away is not."
It was something he had kept in the back of his mind, let it replay every night as he went to sleep in his bed next to his wife. Marriage counselling had not been the easiest journey in the six weeks since Jay told her he wanted to give it a proper chance. But they had ended every session on a relatively good note, so tonight's exchange had thrown him for a loop and he was struggling with how to process it all.
It had started like always; they spoke about what happened since their last session, if they had been keeping on-track with their date nights and if they had done the 'homework' Sara gave them. She'd asked them to fill out a love languages quiz online that she had emailed to them, a task which both Erin and Jay cringed at. They knew intimacy was important in any relationship, but neither of them was so in touch with that side of themselves or their relationship that they felt entirely comfortable doing it. Reading the questions had made them both groan and complain, but ultimately it had provided some insight. But they would never be doing those quizzes again.
They spoke briefly about the changes in their homelife. The progress they'd been making with teaching Andrew to be aware of his allergies – to make sure he asked the right questions to other adults about the food he was being given – and the improvements with Evie and her attitude towards both Jay and Erin.
Jay honestly couldn't remember how the conversation switched to talking about Abby, but he sat and listened to Erin as she expressed her feelings over the whole situation. It still pained him to talk about that time in his life; he knew he'd hurt Erin deeply by walking out on her, but Abby was a sore spot for him, and he didn't know if that would ever change. She represented too much of the bad parts of his past, the ones which he hated himself the most in. He wasn't proud of the person he was during his time with Abby, nor did he like the man he became when she suddenly popped back into his life.
And then Erin had started to explain her feelings about Bunny, the guilt that she first felt in saying yes to Jay because she knew that it was effectively sealing her mother's fate to spend the rest of her life behind bars. And that was when Jay began to spiral.
"Do you still feel guilty?" Sara asked.
"Sometimes." Erin admits "There's been a lot of moments over the years where I questioned if I could've done something differently. If there was a way to be a better daughter to her, if there was a way to save her. Sometimes, when that feeling would get really bad, it made me question if Jay made the right decision proposing to me that night."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Jay looks at her, surprised by the sudden change in discussion.
"I'm just saying, sometimes I feel like," Erin pauses, trying to compose her thoughts "Sometimes I think about whether you would've proposed at all, if not for me telling you I was leaving Chicago. And there have been times when I've felt uncertain and questioned if you wanted out."
"I had plenty of time to change my mind Erin, we spent almost four years being engaged. I could've gotten out if I wanted to."
"You spent the better half of the first year of us being engaged, on an undercover assignment. One that you took barely two months after we'd gotten engaged. Can you blame me for wondering, deep down, if maybe you were having second thoughts?"
"You seriously think I took an undercover job because I didn't want to be engaged?"
"I don't know! I'm just trying to tell you what I was feeling in those moments. And having the man you love move out of the apartment you were sharing, then turn around and propose a month later after you tell him you might be moving to New York, only to then flip your life upside down again by taking an undercover assignment that meant he would be away from his fiancée for up to a year? It reminded me of when I was growing up, and it made me feel really insecure about our future. And yeah, sometimes that insecurity would resurface over the years we were together. After everything that we've gone through, how couldn't it?"
Jay couldn't get a grip of himself. His thoughts were chaotic, and he couldn't make them settle. This didn't make sense. Erin was sitting here telling him now, that she questioned whether or not he was genuine about wanting to be with her? Had she always questioned his commitment to her? Why did she bother staying with him if she did?
He starts to recall certain memories. Instances where Erin would use the fact that he had left as ammunition to hurt him. Had she questioned his commitment to her every time she'd mentioned it?
Jay's heart was racing, beating in his ears as he thought about every exchange he and Erin have had. He feels like he did when he was twenty and returning from his first tour; the realization that he had been told one thing only to find out the truth was something else entirely. His father had lied to him, and his brother ran. He came home thinking everything was okay, only to find out his mother was on her deathbed and his family was of any help to her. It felt like someone was crushing his reality all over again.
"I- I can't," Jay spluttered, trying and failing to express what he was feeling "I got to get out of here."
Jay shot up from the couch and rushed out of the room before Sara or Erin could stop him.
"Jay! Wait a minute, just stop please!" Erin called after him.
He didn't listen. He kept running from her. He wouldn't let them break him again.
Her voice brings him back to the present "Jay. Can we please just sit and talk about this?"
She waits but he doesn't say anything, just continues staring into the closet bed "Okay, will you sit and let me talk to you about this? Just let me explain what I was trying to say. Please."
Jay strips down to his boxers and undershirt and walks back to the bed. He looks at Erin, the optimism evident in her eyes, and pulls back the covers to get into bed. He lays on his side turned away from her. She lets out a quiet breath, and he hears her disappointment. He has to keep reminding himself that this isn't the same thing. Erin's not his dad and this isn't like when he found out about his mother. But he can't find it in himself to muster the strength to turn around and face her.
"Questioning your intention to propose to me, has more to do with me than it does you." Erin starts.
Jay stares at the wall while waiting for her to continue and even though she can't see him, Erin knows he's listening. She can feel it in her heart.
"I spent most of my life watching the people I love break every promise they made to me. And until Abby came along, you were the one person who had defied the status quo that seemed to be engrained into my life. And realising that you had kept something from me, it made me feel like I was that same unwanted street kid all over again." Jay says nothing, letting her say her piece and get all her thoughts out.
"So yeah, when you proposed there was a part of me that kept saying you were only doing it because you didn't want to lose me for good. That it was your way of giving me a big enough reason to not leave Chicago."
Jay can feel her hand hovering over his shoulder, wanting to reach out and comfort him, but he's grateful when it lands on the bed beside him instead. He doesn't know if he can handle it right now. His feelings are haywire, and he worries that her touch might have an unexpected effect on his reaction.
"I spent so long believing that I wasn't worthy of what I have now," Erin pushes on "And that insecure part of me, the part that tells me I'm not deserving of everything I have in this life? It still haunts me. But I need you to hear me, to believe me, when I tell you that I have never regretted our marriage. Our life together is not a mistake, Jay. I was just trying to explain myself and my guilt, and the way that it triggers that part of me that still feels insecure and unwanted and unworthy. And I'm sorry if tonight I made you feel like you were a regret in my life because that wasn't my intention. That couldn't be further from the truth."
She waits for some kind of reaction from Jay. Something to tell Erin that he's heard her, that she didn't just put her heart on the line only for him to have fallen asleep. So, she waits. And after a few minutes she lays down facing him, hoping that maybe Jay will turn around and acknowledge what she's said. He doesn't. But he nods, ever so slightly, and Erin accepts that it's unfortunately the best she's going to get out of him.
Erin shifts onto her back and stays looking at the ceiling. She can't figure out what made Jay snap the way he did, and it feels like he's shutting her out. She wants so badly to understand. Her words play over in her head, trying to pinpoint the exact comment that hurt him so badly. That made him question himself and his importance in her life. Because that hadn't been her intention – the words slipped out of her mouth before she could even think about the damage they could do and now Erin was left to lay in the aftermath of it all and hope that she hadn't hurt her husband to the point that he wouldn't understand. That he wouldn't be able to forgive her.
The last two weeks had felt like they were making such great progress, and now those leaps and bounds they'd made were being erased. She was quickly learning that marriage counselling was very much a game of one step forward and two steps back.
Erin just hoped there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
A/N: As I said, this chapter feels like a bit of a filler, but after more than a month of no writing at all it feels like a good chapter for getting back into the swing of things. I'm hoping to have another chapter up next week that will explain this whole argument they had in therapy in a bit more depth, and get this story moving a bit more but I cannot make any guarantees – my willingness/motivation to write has been quite hit or miss lately. However, I can promise that this story and my other stories will be still be updated and eventually completed, it just may take more time than I originally anticipated to do so.
Please leave a review, let me know what you think and thank you all for your patience. Until next time :)