Chapter 18 – I'm Afraid of Change
"I've done a lot of things wrong,
loving you being one."
May 2019
"Hey, babe." Jay voice echoes from her phone, laying on the floor on speaker.
"Hi, are you on your way home?"
Erin sits on the floor in the hallway of her new home. Originally, they had decided to wait a little longer to purchase a home since they were planning for a wedding. But with the surprise of her pregnancy, they agreed to push off the wedding until a later date when things were a bit more settled in their lives.
They had only meant to be browsing the realtor websites and open house inspections, but when they saw this house, they fell in love. Jay and Erin, both saw themselves living here with their kids, raising a family and planning for a future together. They'd put in an offer and things moved quickly after that; they sold the apartment within a week of it being on the market and ten days later they were moving into this house. They'd been here for three weeks now and were finally unpacked.
"Sorry, Er, Hails and I got a last-minute call on our way back in; we picked up a few guys so we gotta get them processed before we can leave. I'm sorry."
Erin tried to ignore the feeling in her stomach at the nickname he's given his new co-worker. Hailey Upton was the new detective that was transferred over from Homicide, on loan to Intelligence for the next eight months – maybe stretched out to a year depending on how things go – since their unit had not one, but two pregnant officers in their unit that would be needing to on desk duty and maternity leave.
Hailey was here to cover for Kim Burgess out in the field while she stayed on desk duty and helped cover admin work for the unit. Erin was now sixteen weeks pregnant and would remain on active duty until she could no longer fit a Kevlar vest around her belly – a compromise with Jay and Voight that she had managed to convince them on; they would have preferred her on desk duty from the moment they found out she was pregnant. It was a much different story for Kim at twelve weeks pregnant. She had tried to go out into the field after she and Adam confirmed they were pregnant, and she had completely shut down.
The trauma from her miscarriage lingered more than she realised, and the thought of putting her child at risk again had her freezing before she had even stepped foot outside of the district for a bust a few weeks ago. Voight had understood, the entire unit had been understanding and were more than happy to fill in for Kim where they could, but Hank quickly realised they would be needing another detective around here. Jay would be taking on more responsibilities in the upcoming months, Antonio had announced he was going to be working for the Special Prosecutions Bureau, and he would be another two officers down on top of that. They needed more manpower.
But that new manpower also needed to be taught the ropes of Intelligence and how their unit worked, and Voight thought it was a perfect opportunity for Jay to practice some leadership; So, he had paired Jay and Hailey up on the days that Erin went home early to pick up Evie from school. Like today. Which is why she was now sitting on the floor alone in the hallway of their big, quiet house, in front of the linen closet as she meticulously folded each bath towel the way Jay liked and placed slid them neatly into the bottom shelf. They'd washed these four days ago, and Jay said he would do them, but he'd been so busy lately that they just sat in a basket on the floor next to the couch and Erin had finally been bothered enough by it to sit and put them away.
"Oh. Okay." Erin says softly, hoping to keep the disappointment out of her voice.
"Is everything okay?" Jay asks.
Erin shakes her head, then "It's fine. I get it, we were just waiting on you for dinner is all. I'll let Evie know she can start eating. I'm sure she'll love that."
"I should've called or at least texted, I just got so distracted."
Erin stares up at the closet, overwhelmed suddenly by the reality that's hit a little bit harder now, "It's okay, I'll see you when you get home okay? Be safe."
"Okay … I love you."
"I love you too." Erin smiles half-heartedly, disconnecting the call and looking back up at the closet.
She wasn't sure how they were supposed to do this. Jay's work schedule was only getting busier these days, and her limitations were only being increased the further along she was in her pregnancy. Jay and Voight were both keeping a tight leash on her, Kim and Evie were both worried about her too so she was trying to do what she could to keep everyone at ease. But she was struggling.
Erin reflects on Jay's words to her last week when she was folding laundry. He'd told her that she was going to do it, but she decided to just get a jump on things, and Jay took it to mean that she was mad at him or something. She had assured him that wasn't the case, she was simply trying to help around the house more since he was so busy lately. "Er, I've been doing this for as long as we've been together. I know a lot of things are different, but me being your so-called househusband isn't going to be one of them. I'm here for you every step of the way, okay?"
They were words that had reassured her at the time, but there was a part of her that knew they weren't true – no matter how much Jay believed in what he was saying, the fact of the matter was that they were changing. Their whole lives were changing, and at such a rapid pace. She loved every moment of it all, but she was also feeling wildly unprepared; it felt like she was simultaneously gaining and losing pieces of herself.
"Erin?" Everly's little body stuck out from the doorway of her room, looking at her foster mother in confusion "What are you doing?"
"Oh, just putting the laundry away."
Evie's eyebrows furrowed deeper "You hate putting away laundry."
Erin smiled, amused at how well the little girl knew her in the year-and-a-half since they first met. It was hard to imagine her life without Evie now, and she loved having her company when she was at home. Evie and Erin had a special bond that only seemed to grow with the impending arrival of the baby – Evie and Jay had taken to reading pregnancy books together on the nights he was home to put her to bed. Evie was constantly checking in with Erin, to make sure she and the baby were okay. Erin was comforted by how quickly Evie seemed to adjust to the big sister role; it reassured her that the little girl was feeling more assured of her place in their family, and that she was trusting of Erin and Jay when they had told her that the new baby would not mean that she was leaving them.
"Jay's not going to be home for a while, so I thought I would help clean up a bit around here." Erin shrugs, folding the last towel and slotting it into the empty space on the shelf.
Evie rushed forward when she saw Erin trying to get up off the floor, holding one of the older woman's arms so she could brace herself. Erin smiled in thanks once she was standing, pushing Evie's hair out of her face.
In the last week, her belly seemed to grow rapidly. Erin was having trouble bending down and sitting in certain ways because the roundness of her stomach made her usual positions difficult to get into or out of without someone else's help.
"Probably shouldn't keep sitting like that now, huh?" Erin chuckles, rubbing her stomach.
"Probably not." Evie smiles "Jay's been working a lot lately, I miss him."
"Me too," Erin sighs "But remember what we talked about? He's learning how to take over the unit, it's a big responsibility and he needs to be trained properly so he can do it. Jay going to be here as much as he can, but he's also helping people and that's really important."
"Yeah. I just wish helping people didn't mean he was gone so much."
Erin kisses the top of her daughter's head "It won't be like this forever, Ev. I promise. And you know Jay loves you, so much, and he hates being away from you just as much as you hate him being away."
"I know." Evie says softly.
Everly wraps her arms around Erin's waist, and they stand in the hallway peacefully, Erin holding the little girl tightly as her head rested against Erin's stomach. She knew Evie was adjusting to everything too, and the constant changes in routines was not always helpful for a child who's dealt with instability for most of her young life. So, Erin tried to keep as much of Everly's routine as consistent as she could, but the last few weeks things were all over the place and she felt like she had been dropping the ball with her daughter.
"Hey, why don't we order a pizza for dinner? We can sit on the couch and watch a movie, whichever one you want." Erin offers.
Evie lifts her head to look up at Erin "But it's almost my bedtime."
"Eh, one late night won't hurt. Besides, it's Friday night – we can sleep in tomorrow."
"Okay. Ooh can we watch Mulan 2? You said you would watch it with me!" Evie asks excitedly.
Erin laughs at her daughter's sudden change in mood "Of course, but I maintain that Mulan is better than Mulan 2."
"We'll find out tonight, I guess." Evie grins.
Erin picks up the empty laundry basket and walks down the hallway with Everly as she tells her, "Okay, go set up the movie and I'll order pizza."
She smiles when Evie rushes ahead of her into the living room to turn the television on. Erin called and placed their pizza order before joining her daughter on the couch, Evie tucking herself into Erin's side and pulling the throw blanket that she had on her little legs so that they covered Erin's too. Erin smiled and grabbed her phone, taking a quick photo of her legs extended out, feet on the coffee table and Evie's smaller legs under the blanket creating a lump where they sat atop Erin's thighs. The television was in the background with the opening scene of Mulan 2.
Erin sent the photo to Jay, typing out a quick message before she set her phone down and focused on the movie.
7:45pm: We miss you. Be safe, love you x
June 2019
"So? Did you get it?" Kim asks.
Erin shakes her head, taking the cup of tea that Kim sets down and sits across from her.
"Doctor said it's usually 24 hours, but it can be longer sometimes."
"Damn, that sucks. How are you doing?"
Erin shrugs "Trying not to think about it. I mean, the chances of the test showing anything are so low but…"
"But you're still worried it might show something." Kim concludes.
"I put my body through a lot when I was younger. And I'd hate to think that something I did when I was young and stupid, could affect the health of this baby." Erin puts one hand on her stomach, at nineteen weeks she's already feeling the baby move from the inside. The doctor told her she should be able to feel a kick soon, but nothing yet.
"Erin, you've been clean and sober for years now. I'm sure everything is going to be fine."
"I hope so."
"And how's Jay doing? I'm surprised he's not hovering like usual." Kim chuckles.
Erin looks out the breakroom window at her fiancée, who's deep in discussion with Voight and Al as they stand in front of the board trying to find the missing links in their current case.
"He's got nothing to worry about." Erin says, "He doesn't know I got the test done."
Kim frowns "What? He was talking to me about it like two weeks ago."
"Yeah, well, somewhere between then and my appointment he forgot about it. So, I just went on my own."
"Erin …"
"He's busy. He's got a lot on his plate right now; I didn't want to make him feel bad for double-booking. Besides, it's just a blood test. It's fine. I can take a blood test on my own."
"It's a genetic specialist to screen for possible DNA abnormalities or other issues, how is that something Jay shouldn't be there with you for? I can't believe he forgot! When I get a hold of-"
"Kim, just leave it. Please." Erin presses "It's not a big deal."
"Of course, it's a big deal. Erin, you two are having a baby together and you already have one kid at home. That's not the kind of shit that a parent should be forgetting."
"There's a lot going on right now, I'm not mad about it. And I don't want to make him worry or stressed now, especially when I haven't even gotten the results yet. If there's something to tell him, then I will. Otherwise, this stays between us."
Kim huffs, reluctantly nodding "Fine. But seriously Erin, this can't keep happening. There may be a lot going on, but Jay needs to be there for you, too. I don't like seeing you like this."
The look on Kim's face fills in the words she doesn't speak. The memory of last week, when Erin was crying in her friend's arms on a girls' night at Kim's house is still fresh in her mind. Unable to control her reaction because Kim was telling her how happy she felt that Adam was so supportive in her pregnancy, that this time felt more hopeful for them, had Erin unexpectedly bursting into tears – because, as happy as she was for Kim and Adam, she had never felt more alone in her pregnancy than she had in this last month. And she had been trying so hard to keep it all together, to be strong for Jay and for Evie and for their unborn baby; but she was falling apart, and she didn't know how much strength she had left in her to keep going.
"It's fine, Kim. I'm fine. Last week was just … hormones. You know how it is."
Kim stares at her friend in disbelief, watching her get up from the table and walk out to her desk before Kim can say another word. It only makes her worry more.
"Hey, I'm going with Atwater to run down a lead." Adam pops his head in "You good?"
Kim contemplates, wanting to tell Adam everything on her mind. How Erin's not been herself, and as much as pregnancy changes a woman, it feels like there's something more to it. That Erin's stubborn and she's used to being the person who helps everyone else even when she's struggling to keep her head above water. That someone needs to smack Jay upside the head and remind him that his family is supposed to be the most important thing in his life. But she knows that getting involved and betraying her friend's trust will only cause more stress for Erin – and that's the last thing she and her baby need.
"Yeah, all good. Be careful?"
Adam smiles and winks back at her, "Always, Darlin'."
…
Erin can't stop pacing the living room as she checks her phone. She's been home since 6:15 and it's now 9:40. Evie's been asleep for an hour and Jay was supposed to be home for dinner. She'd sent a photo of Evie with her friends at the park when she went to pick her daughter up from her best friend Elise's house. Jay hadn't responded as quick as he usually would, but an hour later he sent her a message back. When she hadn't heard from him all evening she texted again to ask if he'd still be home for dinner. She'd gotten no reply. By the time it reached 8:00, she was calling his phone every five minutes, but it just kept going to voicemail. She had sent Voight a message with no reply either, and Kim had already left for the night too, all she knew was that Jay was still there when she left but that was a few hours ago as well.
"Ow." She muttered, stopping short when the baby's movements turned painful "Sorry bub, just worried about your daddy."
She sat down on the couch, one hand clutching her phone and the other rubbing circles over her belly methodically. The baby seemed to get painfully active when she was stressed, almost like they were telling her that she needed to calm down.
"I'm sure he's fine. He probably just got wrapped up in the case and forgot to check his phone, right?" She looked down at her bump, as if expecting a reply from her little one "I'm sure he's fine."
Her phone buzzed on cue and Erin sat straight up, unlocking her phone quickly so she could see the notification. It wasn't Jay, but it was important.
From: Doctor Ashley Griffin..
Subject: Erin Lindsay – Genetic test results.
Erin stares at the subject, her body felt numb. She'd hoped Jay would be home before the email came through. She wanted him by her side for this because truthfully, she was scared out of her mind and she needed him right now.
She opens her phone app again and calls his number, frustrated tears building in her eyes as the call went to voicemail again.
"Jay, where the hell are you? You're not answering my calls or my texts and I'm trying not to panic but you're starting to make me freak out right now. Can you just- just call me back, okay? Let me know you're okay, please." Her voice shook, trying to get through the message in one piece. She didn't want to start crying on his answering machine.
She hung up and texted him again, 'everything okay?'
"Come on, come on, please." She whispered to herself as she stared at the time on her phone.
Her stomach was in knots, feeling more anxious than she had for the entire day she's waited for these results. All she could think about was what if something was wrong with the baby? What if something was wrong with Jay, and that's why he wasn't answering her?
"Screw this." Erin takes a deep breath and opens the email.
From: Doctor Ashley Griffin..
Subject: Erin Lindsay – Genetic test results.
Date: 24th June 2019.
To: Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead.
Miss Lindsay,
Please find attached the results of the Non-invasive Prenatal Testing (NIPT) conducted on June 23, 2019 at 8:15am. Please keep in mind that while these tests have a high-accuracy rate, they can not provide a definitive confirmation of any abnormalities that may be in the DNA screening.
If you have any questions or concerns, please contact our office to book an appointment or reply to this email and we will return as soon as we are able to.
Otherwise, I will see you for your next appointment, 4:30pm on July 30th, 2019.
Best,
Ashely Griffin
[Chicago Gaffney Medical Centre – OBGYN]
Erin opened the attachment, scrolling through all the data and results spread out across four pages. She reaches the last page and stops short when she sees the one thing, she had been trying to avoid this whole pregnancy.
"Oh my god."
…
Jay slowly trudged up the stairs to the front door of his house. It was approaching one o'clock in the morning, and he wanted nothing more than to take a hot shower and crawl into bed with his fiancée. He'd felt so out of sync with Erin lately; trying to 'learn the ropes' from Voight was taking its toll; the older man had been working him hard, wanting to make sure he knew everything that Voight could possibly pass down to him before he left his unit in Jay's hands, and it was exhausting.
He was so run down, both physically and emotionally. Jay wanted this more than he ever would have thought, and he's been doing his best to stay on top of everything and do what Voight's asked of him. But there's this lingering feeling in the pit of his stomach that keeps telling him that no matter how good of a Sergeant he'll make, it doesn't change the fact that he was the backup. That on the list of people that Voight probably wanted to run this unit, Jay was not anywhere near first pick. And he was pushing himself harder trying to outrun that insecurity inside himself.
The key slid into the lock and Jay turned it carefully, trying to keep the noise to a minimum. Erin was such a light sleeper these days; the baby constantly moving around at night meant that she couldn't reach as deep a state of sleeping as she used to, and the tiniest of sounds would normally wake her up. He stepped inside and slowly pulled the key out and turned the doorknob so it wouldn't click against the frame as she shut the door. Jay kicked his boots off and pushed them to against the wall with his foot and put his key on the hook before he walked down the hallway towards the bathroom. A sound from the living room stopped him before he could get far.
"Er?" He called out softly "Babe? Are you still up?"
Jay walked into the living room, unable to see anything in the dark. He blindly felt to his right, waiting for his hand to touch against the wall and then the light panel. He flipped the switch and his heart lurched in his chest at the sight before him.
"Erin." Jay rushed to the couch to scoop his girl laid up from where she lay, curled up in a ball as she cried. "Erin, baby what's wrong?"
"Jay?" She sobbed, clutching tightly to his shirt as he held her against his chest.
"I'm here, Er. It's okay, just breathe."
"Jay." She cried, unable to calm down, and Jay's panic increased.
"Er, breathe baby. You gotta take a breath, try and calm down." Jay leaned back against the couch and held Erin tighter, waiting for her tears to settle.
"Where … were you?" She hiccups "I've been so worried!"
Her words sting and Jay closes his eyes resting his head atop hers "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. We got a judge to sign off on the raid for where we thought James' men were making the drugs, and Voight figured it was better to hit it tonight before they caught wind of anything and cleaned out the warehouse."
"I called and t-texted and … you didn't … you didn't say anything." Erin's voice wavers through her tears "Why didn't you call?"
"Everything moved so quickly, I just lost track of the time and it slipped my mind to let you know. When I finally realised, we were already on our way to the warehouse and my phone was dead. I thought you would've been asleep already."
His words stick out in her head, 'lost track of time and it slipped my mind,' and something about it makes her angrier. She wipes at her eyes and pulls herself from his lap, slipping out of his hold and curling up in the corner of the couch against the cushions.
"… You forgot me."
"What? No, Er I just-"
"You just got so distracted with work that you forgot to let me know you weren't going to be home, forgot that Evie and I were waiting for you to have dinner and that we might be concerned over the fact that you weren't home when you said you'd be or answering your phone. We slipped your mind, that's what you said."
Erin sniffled and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her pyjama shirt, Jay's sweatshirt, and when he tries to reach out to take her hand she recoils.
"Erin, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to worry you, okay? It wasn't my intention to upset you like this."
"That's not the only thing upsetting me." Erin whispers.
"Okay, so talk to me. Tell me what's going on."
"Why? Clearly this isn't a priority for you." Jay tries to reach out for her again, but she stands up and moves across the room "I'm going to bed."
"Erin, come on. I screwed up, and I'm sorry for that, but you know how important you are to me. You and Evie and this baby are my life." Erin keeps walking and Jay stands to follow her "Please, let's just talk this out; tell me what's going on."
"We're having a boy." Erin says suddenly.
Jay looks at her in shock "What?"
"What's going on is you forgot about the appointment we made to do the genetic testing, so I went alone because you were out of the office. What's going on is you forgot to tell me you weren't coming home so when the doctor emailed over the results, I had to sit and read them alone because I needed to at least stop freaking out about that since I was also panicked because I had no idea if you were okay and that makes the baby decide to angrily poke around my damn body. What's got me so fucking upset and angry right now, is that they forgot to put the results of the baby's gender in another email like the doctor said they would, so I found out we were having a boy and I couldn't even share that moment with you because you weren't around! Because you were too busy with everything else that being home with me, and our kids was apparently not a priority for you. And what's more disappointing is that I'm not even surprised, because doing things alone seems to be a reoccurring thing lately."
2023 (two months after)
They don't get to talk the next morning.
Everly needs to be at school an hour earlier than usual for band practice, so Erin is awake before her husband. She stares at Jay for a few minutes in the early morning light. He looks so peaceful in his sleep, laying on his back with mouth slightly parted and light snores emerging. One arm is thrown above his head and the other is out towards Erin, but it doesn't reach her. She's tempted to cuddle up next to him for a few minutes. Last night is still ringing in her ears though and she doesn't want to risk waking him up and making him uncomfortable – he's hurting from what she said in therapy, but hopefully her attempts to clarify the meaning behind them had resonated with him. Still, she didn't want to push him before he was ready. So, she settles for giving him a gentle kiss on his cheek and quietly slips out of bed to get ready and take Evie to school.
Jay wakes up an hour later. He's got some time to kill before Andrew needs to be woken up, so he strips down and heads into the bathroom. The smell of Honey and Vanilla invades his senses as soon as he steps into the shower cubicle. The condensation lingers on the glass and it puts a weak smile on Jay's face – Erin always had the hottest possible shower she could, which meant their bathroom would be full of steam for a long while after she was done. He steps under the stream of water and closes his eyes as he lets the last few days wash away.
He hasn't been able to stop thinking about what Erin said to him. Jay was trying to process it all, to think rationally about what she had said to him both in therapy and in bed last night.
It reminded me of when I was growing up, and it made me feel insecure about our future. And yeah, sometimes that insecurity would resurface over the years we were together. After everything that we've gone through, how couldn't it?"
It made sense. He'd given her a lot of reasons to doubt him at the time, and he turned the tables on her a fair few times in those first couple of months that they were engaged. But Jay had thought by saying yes to his proposal, it meant Erin had forgiven him. That she understood and was ready to move forward together. He thought it meant Erin knew how much he loved her, and how committed he was to her – so to hear that she's doubted that over the last few years? It hurt him more than he ever thought it could.
Jay reflects on other fights they've had over the years. Things that really didn't warrant such a big blow up between them, yet that was the reaction. Erin always made a point of being alone; of being able to do it by herself if he didn't want this with her or pointing out that he had hurt her first by lying to her about Abby. He'd always thought that Erin said it to hurt him, but now he was left to question if maybe the real reason she said those things was because they were rooted in a deep insecurity of her own self-worth and importance in their relationship.
He gets out of the shower and dries himself off, changing into his clothes for work. Jay slips on one of his favourite dark green Henley shirts, one that Erin had given him for his Father's Day after they had petitioned to adopt Everly. The memory conflicts with all the other emotions inside of him; a brief warmth at war with the numbing sensation in the rest of his heart. He doesn't like the feelings that have stirred inside him since their session; the memories it brought up of his mother's death, his relationship with his father growing up, and the argument he had with Will when he came home injured from his second tour and his brother flew back to New York. He hated feeling like someone had pulled the rug out from under him, like everything that he thought he knew was in fact a lie.
Walking to his son's room, Jay looks at the pictures hung up in the hallway. There are so many memories with his wife and children, but he can remember the uncertainty he felt in some of those moments; questioning whether this was the life that was right for them anymore. So, he thinks, maybe it's not fair of him to be this upset with Erin. Yes, her words hurt, but she was being honest and that's what they were supposed to be doing in therapy so that they could move forward without any unresolved issues between them. And was it really fair to be this upset with her when he's clearly had the same doubts at one point or another?
"Hi, Daddy." Andrew yawns as he looks up from where he was sleeping on the floor, "What are you doing here?"
Jay smiles and kneels down to the floor, pushing his son's floppy waves out of his face "Morning buddy. I'm taking you to school today."
Andrew frowns "But mama normally takes me to school. Don't you got to work?"
"I do have to go to work," Jay says, subtly correcting his son "but I've got time to drop you first – mama had to take Ev to school early today, but she didn't want to wake you yet."
"Oh. Okay, I like sleeping." the little boy shrugs in acceptance and Jay smile, hoisting him up onto his hip as Andrew rests his head on his dad's shoulder.
"Alright, let's get your cereal." Jay says when they get into the kitchen.
Andrew shakes his head "Cereal is other days, Daddy."
"Right. What was I thinking?" Jay shakes his head.
"Mama always makes eggo on Thurs-dee."
"Thursday, Drew-Bear." Jay chuckles and sets Andrew down on the kitchen counter.
He goes to take the fruit out of the fridge and sees a container on the middle shelf and a post-it note stuck to it with Erin's writing, 'For breakfast'. Jay smiles when he sees the fruit already cut up in one section of the container, and two of the now thawed-out waffles. He places them in the microwave – knowing his son likes them 'uncrispy' – and empties out the fruit into a bowl. He places it next to his son and pours a cup of coffee, coming to stand in front of an unimpressed looking Drew.
"What's wrong, you don't like your fruit? Mama picked it out for you." Jay asks, poking his son's pouty lips.
"You didn't make the face."
Jay frowns "What face, Bear?"
"Mama makes a fruity-face. A smiley one so that we have a good day. You're supposed to make a fruity-face, Daddy."
The microwave dings and Jay grabs the plate, pulling an empty one out from the cupboard and setting it down on the counter next to his son.
"Sorry, I forgot about how to make the face. You think you can make me one? And then, I can do it for you too."
Andrew's pout turns into a wide smile and he twists on the counter, tucking one leg under him while the other swings back and forth hitting Jay's hip occasionally. He talks animatedly as he shows his Dad how to make a 'fruity-face'; two cherries for the eyes, cantaloupe for the eyebrows, half a banana for the face and pineapple for the ears.
"See, daddy?" Andrew giggles "It's a goofy fruity-face today."
"Oh? Mama makes you other faces, does she?"
Andrew nods boisterously "She makes happy faces and silly faces and sometimes she makes me veggie faces with my dinner! Sometimes she makes me sad faces when I'm sick, 'cause she said it's okay to feel sad sometimes. Right?"
"Of course. Your mama's very smart, you know."
"She's the smartest, Daddy." Andrew says before picking up the waffle in his hand and munching down.
Jay watches his son in amusement, thankful that he chose to wait until after breakfast to change him out of his pyjamas. He looks down at the plate of fruit and feels a twinge of sadness. Because in reality, he hadn't actually forgot about how to make the 'fruity-face'. He didn't know it was a thing at all. He can't actually remember the last time he's made his son breakfast like this; usually he makes them choc-chip pancakes because it's the weekend and he's off work, so they make a special breakfast, or it's just cereal day. He didn't realise how much effort Erin puts into breakfast for their son each morning, or how much she tries to teach their son little things every day.
"Daddy, I'm all sticky." Andrew suddenly says, claps his hands against his Dad's cheeks and laughs.
Jay focuses back on his little boy, picking him up off the counter and throwing him over his shoulder "Come on, silly boy. Time to wash up!" He forces a smile to his face as he tickles Andrew, carrying him up the stairs to get him ready for the day.
The day feels like it's moved so slowly. The team gets no new cases, so they sit around catching up on their paperwork. Not that there's much to catch up on; Jay does his best to make sure they're on top of it, and if they're running behind, he'll usually stay back and finish things up. The landline rings and he answers without taking his eyes off paper he's signing from the stack of reports and budgets that he's filled out over the last week.
"Halstead." He grunts down the line.
"Jay, hello, sorry to bother you at work." Jay freezes mid-signature when he hears Sara's voice.
"Hi Doc- uh, Sara. Is everything okay?"
"Funny, that's actually what I was calling to ask you." Sara answers "Things ended a bit … abruptly yesterday, I just wanted to check in with you two."
"You spoke to Erin?" He asks.
"Just a few minutes ago, yes. I was confirming our next session, she was going to check with you when you got home and let me know."
"Oh, okay. Yeah, that's fine, thank you." Jay says, ready to hang up when Sara starts again.
"Like I said, I was calling you because I wanted to check in with you. How are you feeling after yesterday?"
"Look, now's not really the best time…"
"I'm sorry, are you in the middle of a case?"
"Oh, no, it's just- I just have some paperwork to go through."
"Surely the paperwork can wait five minutes?" Sara pushes "I mean, it's for cases that you've already wrapped up, right?"
Jay sighs, knowing she's not going to let him off that easy "Yeah, okay."
"So?"
"So, what?"
"How are you feeling about what happened yesterday?"
"I don't know." Jay shrugs, dropping his pen and leaning back in his chair.
"Jay, come on. Give me something here. I mean, you ran out of our session early and you're telling me you don't know how you feel? Clearly you must've been feeling something pretty big and heavy for that kind of reaction."
"I guess so."
"Jay, we've talked about this before. We're not going to make any progress if you don't let me in, let alone Erin. I told you there would be times when I would push you? Well, this is it – so tell me honestly, what were you feeling?"
"I … I felt unwanted. Like Erin was saying she regretted me, regretted our life together. And I may have felt unhappy these last two years, but I've never had any regrets about the life we've built. I always assumed she felt the same way."
"I don't know that it was so much of Erin saying she regrets you, but more that she wonders if things would've played out in your life the way they had, if you didn't have all these other circumstances going on at the same time. At least, that's what I heard from her words."
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I mean, if I wasn't on assignment Erin probably wouldn't have been helping out at the gym as much, and we may never have met Ev."
"Exactly. How about why you left? What triggered that reaction?" Sara continues.
Jay takes a breath, trying not to let those same feelings overwhelm him again "It reminded me of growing up. A lot of the issues that I had in my family."
"Okay, I'm getting the feeling you don't want to expand on that." Sara asks.
"Not really, no." Jay pauses "But, uh, I'll try to explain it when we have our next session; Erin should probably hear it."
"That's good, I like that idea." Sara smiles "I actually did want to talk to you about next session, though. Well, really all our future sessions."
"You're not breaking up with us, are you doc?" Jay jokes.
Sara laughs "No. I need to ask you to try and not walk out like you did last session. I get it, you were overwhelmed, and it was a lot of emotions all at once, and clearly some triggers as well that were difficult to handle. But it's important that the two of you try to talk it out in the moment, to deal with head-on instead of running away from it. We can't make any real progress if one of you removes yourself from the situation every time it feels difficult."
"I know, you're right, it's just … easier said than done, right?"
"Right. But our actions are just as important as our words, especially in marriage counselling. You can't ask Erin to fight for your marriage if you're not willing to sit and listen to what she has to say; even when it's something you might not like. You both have to be willing to try with each other."
"Okay. I'll, I'll do my best."
"That's all I ask." Sara replies "I'll let you get back to work. I'll see you next session, Jay."
"Thanks for the call, doc." Jay says.
He sets the phone back down in its cradle and picks up his mobile. There's a text from Erin from an hour ago, asking if he would be home for dinner, and a follow-up text to let him know she'd leave him a plate in the microwave, assuming his lack of response meant he wouldn't be home soon.
Jay looked at the clock on his wall. It was 6:30 now, and he would not likely make it home in the next half-hour for dinner given that it was peak hour traffic now, but he could make it home in time for the kids' bedtime and to sit down with Erin and talk. Sara's words seem to have spurred something in him.
Erin had tried with him last night. It was Jay's turn to reciprocate.
"Hey, you guys," Jay calls his team's attention as he stands in the door of his office "Early mark. Get on out of here, I'll see you in the morning."
The team all murmur thanks and gratitude, quickly logging off their computers and packing things away before grabbing their coats and bags to head out for the night.
"You stay late today?" Kim asks as she waits for Adam to find the car keys.
"No, actually I think I'm gonna head out with you guys." Jay answers, grabbing his keys and wallet from his desk drawer and pulling his jacket off the hook on the back of his door "Got to get home for bedtime."
Kim's wide smile as he walks past the couple and out to his car is not missed.
It's 7:30 by the time Jay reaches home. He can hear the water running in the sink, and the television playing in the living room. He opens the door and puts his things down, walking first to the living room to greet his kids.
"Hi Daddy!" Andrew exclaims, jumping off the couch to run and hug Jay's legs "You're home for night-night too?"
Jay smiles down at him "Yeah, we didn't have any work to do so I let everyone go home early so I could come surprise you guys. Did it work?"
"Oh yeah." Andrew giggles and walks back to the couch "Me and Effie are watching Cars."
"Awesome. Hi, sweet girl." Jay calls out to his.
Everly smiles up at her Dad, "Hi Dad. Sorry, let me just finish this question."
Jay shakes his head and walks over to his daughter, kissing the top of her head "Don't worry about it. Everything alright?"
"Yeah, Mrs Norbert gave us extra calculus sheets to go through because like half the class didn't do the homework from last lesson. And I have band practice tomorrow morning again, so I'm trying to get it done tonight."
"Okay, well just make sure you take it easy yeah? I don't want you overworking yourself."
"I won't," Evie promises "I'm just going to finish up this section and then Drewy and I are gonna finish watching cars, right?"
"Right!" Andrew exclaims "Mama said we can watch the whole movie while she does the kitchen."
Jay looks up at the television screen. He's seen this movie enough times to know they're only in the first half-an-hour, which means that by the time it's done it'll likely be passed Drew's bedtime. But since Erin probably thought that she'd be putting the kids to bed alone tonight, she was likely hoping her little boy would pass out on the couch before the movie ended – and wouldn't be able to fight her on going to sleep like he usually would.
"Wow, aren't you lucky?" Jay smiles back at his son.
"Are you gonna come watch with us?" Evie asks.
"In a little bit. I'm gonna go say hi to Mama first, I'll be back." He tells his kids before walking towards the kitchen.
Jay finds Erin inside, scrubbing furiously at one of the countertops.
"Come on." She groans frustratedly "Just get off already!"
"Need some help?"
Erin jumps at the sound of his voice, spinning around to see Jay leaning against the fridge as he watches her.
"What are you doing home?"
Jay walks towards her, and with a shrug of his shoulders says, "I thought I'd come and help you put the kids to bed tonight. I'm sorry I missed dinner."
"I- that's okay. I'm glad you're home. I didn't think you were coming anytime soon." She says softly.
Jay reaches over and tucks a stray piece of hair behind Erin's ear, and a small smile graces her face.
"Honestly, I was tempted to just stay in my office until I knew you'd be asleep."
"Oh," She says softly "So, what made you change your mind?"
"I spoke to Sara today. She called me at work. Something she said … I just realise I needed to hear you out properly, to listen and talk it out with you. I don't want to keep running from our problems. So, maybe after we put the kids to bed we can sit down and talk?"
Erin nods "I'd like that a lot."
…
"So, you've been home a lot more lately." Evie says as she gets into bed.
"I have been. Trying to be, at least." Jay answers.
Evie smiles "I like it. It's nice having you around the house more; I didn't realise how much I had missed it."
Jay frowns, sitting on the edge of his daughter's bed.
"I'm not that absent, am I?"
"I don't think absent is the right word," Evie pauses "It's just … It's like, I always know you're there if I really need you to be. If I called and said, 'Dad it's an emergency, I need you' I know you would be there in a heartbeat; I know you do your best, sometimes things just fall through the cracks."
Jay's heart aches at the casual way Everly says that last part; like falling through the cracks is something she's become so accustomed to. Something she understands too well.
"I didn't realise. You've never told me this before." Jay says softly.
Evie shrugs "I guess become it doesn't really make me sad. For as long as I've known you, Mum's always made sure we knew that if you weren't there it didn't mean that we weren't important to you."
"She told you that?"
"She always tells us that you love us, that work is super important, and you wouldn't be missing whatever was going for any reason other than to help someone who needed it."
The aching feeling grows tenfold, and Jay swears he can feel his heart shatter inside his chest. He's thinking about every time Erin's told him that she needed him around, every 'we miss you' text he would get on the nights that he was working late, or every Father's Day card he got that always said 'thank you for being there for us. He felt like a fraud; he wasn't always there for his kids, Erin was. Erin was the one making sure that his children knew they were loved by their Dad, because he wasn't always around to prove it. She was the glue keeping their family together, the band-aid healing the wounds he may have caused in his children's lives. How did it get to this?
"Dad, don't sweat it." Evie reaches out and takes his hand "We get it, seriously; I mean, if there weren't people like you out there, kids like me might still be out on the streets. Kids like Mama and Uncle Teddy were, might still be stuck in dangerous situations. People like Nicole wouldn't have anyone to get justice for them."
"That doesn't make it right, though." Jay sighs "I'm sorry sweets, I didn't realise how much I'd been dropping the ball."
"Dad, you're not dropping the ball. We know you're always there if we really needed you to be, and we get why you can't be there sometimes; Mama's always made sure that we knew that. There's no anger here, I promise."
Jay wants to disagree. To tell his daughter that it's not their mother's responsibility to make sure that they know their dad loves them. The words he said in therapy a few weeks ago sound in his head; 'she's such a great mum, and I think I've taken that for granted in recent years because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to deal with those things on a day-to-day basis as easily as she seems to. But it's one of the things I love most about her.'
He's told Erin before that she was a great mother, but had he left her alone in that journey? Had he been the parent he had promised to be? Was she such a great mother because she'd been forced to step up for the both of them? Since they had adopted Evie, he's always told Erin he never wanted to be like his father – he begged her to make sure he never turned into his father. And while he has a better relationship with his kids than Jay did with his Pat growing up, is he really all that different from the man who raised him?
"I love you Ev, and your brother, so much."
"We know."
"Yeah, but I want you to hear it from me." Jay says, holding her hand tightly "You kids and your mum, you're my entire world. And I'm sorry if it hasn't always felt like you're the most important thing in my life, because you are."
"What you're doing at work is just as important, Dad." Evie argues.
"No, nothing should be more important than you three. No one. I'm gonna do better, okay?" Jay presses.
"Okay." Evie says "I love you too, Dad. It's okay."
Jay hugs his daughter tightly, relishing the quiet moment between them as she rests her head against his shoulder and her arms cover his. Evie lets him hold her for as long as he needs to, lets Jay try to give her all the love he has within his heart for her. She knows that whatever's going on right now, it has something to do with the 'hard time' her parents are going through. But she's trying her best to trust them when they tell her that they're working through it, so she doesn't ask questions and after a few minutes Jay lets go of her and kisses the top of her head before he gets up and walks to the door.
"Alright, you all settled?" Jay asks.
Everly nods and Jay switches off the main bedroom light, the lamp on her bedside giving the room a soft glow.
"Goodnight Ev," Jay says as he stands in the doorway "Don't be up the whole night reading, okay?"
"I won't, I just want to finish this chapter." Evie promises.
"That good a book, huh?" Jay asks.
Evie nods "It's getting really interesting; at one point, it kind of seemed like the main characters weren't going to get through it. But now, I don't know, I get the sense they're gonna make it."
Jay smirks at the double meaning behind his daughter's words and gently closes the door to his daughter's room so she can read in peace. He walks down the hallway and meets Erin coming out of Andrew's room.
"Should we, uh …" Erin trials off, unsure of how to proceed.
"Why don't we sit in the living room?" Jay offers.
Erin nods and follows him quietly back down the stairs. She goes into the kitchen to grab a glass of water and holds up a bottle of beer for Jay to see, and he nods back. Erin walks into the living room and sees Jay sitting with one foot tucked under the knee of his other leg on one side of the couch. Erin passes the bottle to him and sits on the other end of the couch, curled up with her legs tucked against her chest as she takes a sip of water and placing it on the coffee table.
"I should apologise," Jay starts "I didn't listen to what you were saying the entire night, and that wasn't fair. You were trying to explain, and I was shutting you out."
"It's okay. I get it, really. There's a lot of emotions going around right now with us." Erin says, picking nervously at a loose thread on her sweatpants.
"Well, I'm ready to talk about it now if that's okay with you." Erin nods in reply "Okay, uh, shit. I don't know where to start."
"It's hard, right? I didn't realise how quickly I'd gotten use to Sara asking us the questions that prompted these kinds of conversations." Erin laughs softly "How about … Do you want to tell me what you two spoke about? Maybe we can work from there."
"Well, she asked me how our conversation made me feel. Why it triggered the reaction that it did for me." Jay takes a breath, looking up at Erin "It made me feel like you were saying you regretted me. Like, like our life suddenly wasn't enough for you. Like it wasn't what you wanted."
"That's not what I meant though." Erin says.
"I know. I realise that now; you were just trying to tell me how you feel sometimes. And honestly, there's been times I probably have felt the same. There's moments that I've spent with you and the kids over the last few years when I've wondered if it was worth staying in out, marriage just for these little moments – if being unhappy was worth the bits of happiness we did have."
Erin nods, acknowledging what he's said.
"It reminded me of when I came home from Afghanistan. Finding out my mum was dying, that my Dad had pretty much bailed, and Will had fled the city. I came home to a different reality than the one I was expecting, you know?"
"Yeah. I mean, we've never had an in-depth discussion about that time in your life; but I can imagine it must have been pretty hard."
"It was. It felt like someone pulled the rug out from under me. And even though Dad and I have resolved a lot of those issues already, it's still difficult to let go of that time and the feelings I had. I guess it still resides somewhere inside me, more than I realised."
"Maybe it's something worth talking to him about again." Erin suggests.
"Yeah, maybe."
Erin shuffles a little bit closer to Jay, reaching out and placing her hand on his knee "Jay, I meant what I said last night. I don't regret our life together, our marriage, our family; I made the choice to build this life with you. I did so willingly, because I loved you and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Sure, there are some things that I wish I would've done differently, but I don't regret being your wife or the mother of your children. I need you to know that. What I said, it was more about me than it was about you."
"I do. When I sat down and really thought about it, I could see what you were trying to tell me. It still hurts though, that you could think I didn't mean it when I proposed."
"It's not that I thought you didn't mean it, Jay. I know you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me when you asked, that's why I said yes even though it meant I was basically leaving my mum on her own. But, like I said, I wonder if you would've asked as quickly as you did if there wasn't this risk of losing me for good. If I had still been in Chicago, if Bunny hadn't come back and threatened the future we could have together, would marriage have even been on your mind?"
"I was already going to ask you, Er."
"Because we were broken up and you wanted to fix that. To prove your commitment to me." Erin points out "You've spent our entire lives together trying to save me, Jay."
"We saved each other."
"Did we though?" Jay tenses up at her words "I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, I just want you to understand where I'm coming from. I know that's how you see it, but you've been saving me so many times over our relationship. And I've done my best to be there for you, but you haven't always let me in. How can we have saved each other when I don't even really know what's going on with you sometimes?"
"I've trusted you with parts of me that nobody else has seen." Jay sighs.
"I know you have. I'm not trying to diminish the effort you've made, babe. There have definitely been times that I didn't want to open up, that I wanted to try and deal with it on my own. but you pushed until I let you in, and most of the time I'm glad you did. but it wasn't always the same when I would try to get you to open up with me, and that's on me as well – maybe I should've pushed harder. Not backed down so easily. But I guess it's why a part of me feels insecure about our relationship, about how important it is to you. We've just let so many things slip, and I feel like you don't let me in sometimes."
"… It's hard." Jay says painfully "I-I don't like talking about the past because it feels like I'm right back there. And I feel like there's just so much darkness inside me sometimes, and you've already been through so much; I never wanted to drag you down with me."
Erin moves closer to Jay, pulling him into her embrace and brushing her hand through his hair as he rests on her chest. She kisses the top of his head and mumbles into his hair,
"Did you ever think that maybe I could help pull you out of that darkness – just like you did for me? Part of loving someone is taking the bad with the good, Jay. I'm not afraid of whatever heavy parts there are in your heart, because I know that there's so much brightness inside of you as well. You just need to be willing to let me in. To let me know this version of Jay."
"I know. I know, you're right. I … I'll try, okay?"
"Okay. And I'll try too. That's all we can do, right?"
"Right." Jay lifts his head "Uh, at the risk of upsetting one of us again; can I ask you something else?"
"Sure." Erin says with a small, reassuring smile on her face.
"Did I abandon you?"
Erin looks at him confused, taken aback by the question "What do you mean?"
Jay relays the brief conversation he had with Everly "I never realised that I had left you so alone. I mean, I get that I've been absent in our marriage as of late, but I always thought I was a present Dad."
"You are, Jay. You're there when you can be, that's all the kids or I could ask for."
"I left you to deal with the mess when I wasn't though. I picked work over you, over our kids, so many times that I didn't realise just how removed I was from our lives."
"But that doesn't mean you abandoned me. I guess because I used to be in that job, I understand more than some partners might. I know that you do your best to be there for our kids, and I know that sometimes you need to prioritise work – I would never ask you to drop a case just because I miss having you home for dinner. Yes, there's times that I've felt lonely or like I'm not important to you, but I always know that you're trying your best."
"That's the thing, I don't know that I am trying my best." Jay shakes his head, looking at their family photo hung up on the wall behind the couch "I think I've just started to expect that you'll always be there. That I can finish my paperwork and go home late because you've got the kids sorted. That it's okay to skip our anniversary dinner because you know how important my job is. I wanted so badly to be deserving of this job that I think, maybe I've been taking advantage of how understanding you are about it all. And that's not fair."
"It's never too late to change that, you know."
"I'm going to. We need to make some changes around here, Erin. We promised to be there for each other, to have each other's back, and right now I don't think we're doing a very good job at that."
"No, I don't think we are either. But this was a good step we took, tonight. It's progress."
"It is." Jay smiles "Look at us, talking out our issues. Almost like two, healthy, functioning adults."
"With barely any intervening from our therapist, too." Erin teases.
"Sara's gonna be so proud of us." Jay chuckles "We're killing it out here, babe."
Erin snickers at the smug look on his face. Jay stands up suddenly, holding out his hand to her and she lets him pull her up off the couch.
"I think that's enough heavy conversation for one night. What do you say we go to bed?"
"I'd like that." Erin smiles and they walk hand in hand upstairs to their bedroom.
Waking up to Erin's sleepy grin the next morning felt like Jay's soul had been reset. For the first time in a while, he felt like he had his head on straight and his thoughts were clear. He knew that they had work to do as a couple, but Jay also knew what he needed to do to help better his marriage.
Which is why he had gone to work half-an-hour earlier than usual, dropping Evie off for band practice and picking up Antonio on the way. The older man was visibly confused but sat in silence while Jay drove them to the 21st District, instead parking outside the diner just down the street and offering to buy his friend breakfast so they could talk.
"Alright, not that I'm complaining about the free food and a morning without those little rugrats of mine," Antonio says "But you're starting to freak me out. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. Well, sort of." Jay says, "I need your help."
A/N: Okay! So, I kind of left both the past and current parts of the story a bit unfinished but I like how it turned out and obviously you'll see it all play out over the next few chapters.
I can't believe we're already at eighteen chapters!? I want this story to show the next six to twelve months of them fixing their relationship, but I realised I've not been writing enough for the 'past' sections so I'm trying to catch up on those so we're not still dragging along with story 60 chapters later lol - which is why their progress in the present day is moving a bit slower. I'm actually going to do a few chapters that are solely focused on what's happened in the past because I want to give them the attention they deserve, and I know there's some things y'all are not very keen for (like Erin and Peter…) So, this way it'll be over with in one chapter, and you'll know everything, good or bad teehee
I will do my best to update more regularly. Things have been quite hectic as of late but I'm slowly sorting it all out and trying to get back into a routine of sorts. I appreciate everyone's patience and your sweet messages about all my stories; it means so much that you're still interested and keen to see what is coming for our favourite couple.
Please review and let me know your thoughts!
The song for this chapter is 'July' by Noah Cyrus and Leon Bridges.
Until next time …