A/N: A shorter chapter this time, but I didn't want to leave you all hanging any longer! Hopefully the wait for next chapter won't be as long - I'm trying my best to update quicker these days :)

Chapter 19 – Broken. Beat up. Bruised.

"And I know, I never keep my promises

But you're the one I'm breaking 'em for"

July 2019

The last month had been tense between them. Jay had apologised over and over again, and Erin had told him that she needed him to be around more, to which he promised he would be; but they'd barely scratched the surface of their issues. Jay had been making more of an effort to be present, at first. But all those changes quickly came undone when the team were responsible for a high-profile murder case. After that, Jay had slid back into most of his old habits without even realising.

At twenty-one weeks pregnant, Erin was officially on desk duty. And while the reprieve at work had been appreciated, especially since she was picking up the slack at home, Erin wasn't sure how sustainable their current lifestyle would be in the long run. She'd been looking at other jobs, different pathways in law enforcement that could give her more structure in terms of her work hours and give their family some more stability.

Jay had brought pizza home tonight and now Erin was laying on the couch while he put Evie to bed. She'd been so exhausted lately, so on the days that Jay was home on time she let him get Evie ready for bed on his own so she could have a couple of minutes to herself, and Everly and Jay could have a little bit of time together. Erin sends Jay pictures of their daughter when he's at work, because she never wants him to feel left out. Today it was the sweetest picture of Evie with her ice cream dripping down her hand and a little glob on her nose from when she had tried to lick the massive scoop atop her cone. She looked so much younger than a nine-year-old, and it was adorable. But Jay hadn't responded to it, or to her phone call, and Erin left it alone.

It was becoming par for the course. The Unit had grown much busier in the last two weeks with Antonio's official resignation and commencement at the Bureau of Investigations Department. Instead of the near instantaneous reply she's used to receiving from her fiancée, she waits hours on end for a reply to come. Sometimes she never gets one, and Erin's resigned herself to the idea that maybe she's just annoying him during a busy workday. So, she's slowly started to send less messages. Less photos of their daughter that once helped him feel like he wasn't missing every moment of her life because now, Erin wonders if maybe her constant messages are just making him feel like she's nagging him to be home because he really is missing everything. And she doesn't really know how much more she can take before she breaks.

"Oh, I almost forgot; the lawyer sent an email today. We've got to organise some spreadsheets and shit to present our finances. I'll look at it more tomorrow …"

Jay's voice coming down the stairs drowns out as s sharp pain hits her stomach and Erin winces. It's been happening a lot lately, the baby kicking. He seems to get restless at this time of the night and decides to use her kidney as a plaything to keep himself entertained.

"Er?" Jay walks into the living room, concern washed over his face "You okay?"

Erin runs her hand over the side of her stomach, "Yeah, I think he's just trying to kick his way out of me." she quips.

Jay's eyes go wide and excited, he rushes over to her and kneels on the floor. His hands rest either side of hers as he asks, "He's kicking?"

Erin nods and puts her hand over his to guide him along her belly. Jay's eyes light up when the baby kicks against his palm, "That's amazing."

"Speak for yourself." Erin huffs jokingly.

"Wow, I can't believe it. This all seems that much more real." Jay smiles up at her "He's finally kicking."

Erin's heart splinters at his words, the thought that this was the first time their baby was kicking. Because the baby's been kicking for nearly two weeks now. She first felt it when she was sleeping, the fluttering feeling had her waking up alone in a panic and calling her doctor who assured her that it was the baby's movement. And a few days after, she had been rubbing the pregnancy oil Kim had given her to help with her stretch marks around her belly and her son decided it was the perfect time to make her presence known.

Erin remembers the moment so well; the euphoria that flooded her entire system as this little human inside of her pressed up against her touch, followed by the aching in her chest at the realisation that no one was around to share it with her. Erin had sat on the bathroom floor and cried – she's still unsure if they were tears of joy or sadness.

"What's wrong, sweets?" Jay asks, one hand coming up to wipe the tears from her eyes.

She stares into his eyes, the happiness piercing in the green of his eyes was still through the frown that now graced his face. He was so happy at the thought of being there for the first time their baby had kicked. He looked so tired, but he also looked happier than she's seen him in recent months. He was trying to make more of an effort, she just had to be more understanding.

So, Erin shakes her head and simply answers "Hormones."

Jay smiles and kisses the top of her head. When he pulls back and resumes rubbing her belly, trying to feel for another kick, Erin's hand reaches out to cup his cheek. The action pulls Jay's attention back to her and he asks, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I'm just … um, I'm really happy you're here for this." her voice rattles as she speaks, trying to hold her tears at bay.

"Nowhere else I'd rather be." Jay kisses her again and she takes advantage of his position over her, bringing her hands to his shirt and undoing the buttons so she can feel his warm skin and his steady heartbeat at her fingertips; it helps her push the problems out of her head and centres her back in the here and now.

Jay lifts her into his arms carrying her upstairs and Erin tucks her face into the crook of his neck, steadying her breath and letting his familiar scent relax her. They reach their room and Jay places Erin in the centre of the bed as they lost themselves in one another. He's here now, that's what she needs to focus on. She can't take that moment from him; he's trying so hard to be there for everything and she can't break his heart like that. Erin hasn't broken yet. She can hold on, just a little while longer.

August 2019

"Ugh, I seriously can't take much more of this." Erin groans, flopping down on the couch next to Kim. At 23 and 20 weeks respectively, both Erin and Kim were struggling in the heat of this warm Chicago day.

Kim chuckles rubbing her hand over stomach "I know right? This damn humidity, I've never thought Chicago Summers could be this unbearable."

"And how are you three doing?" Erin asks, shuffling on the couch to find a comfortable position, "I still can't get over that."

"You and me both." Kim says, "We're good. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, but the doctor says everything looks on track. This baby already felt like a miracle and now – well now it's two miracles."

Erin smiles at that "How are you and Adam doing?"

"Also good, I think? He's been great with the pregnancy and making sure I have anything and everything I could possibly need. He just … He keeps doing these little things that he would do when we were together. And I know that's what he wants, to be with me and to be a family; but I just don't think I'm quite there yet."

"Have you told him that?"

"Yeah," Kim sighs "He said it was okay but, I don't know, he looked pretty hurt by it."

"Well, do you not want to be with him ever? Or is this just a temporary thing?"

"I want to be with him. But I need time – I still feel that heartbreak from when we split, that anger and upset that I felt towards him because he wouldn't acknowledge that we weren't on the same page about our future. And now that he's finally telling me he wants the same things …"

Erin nods understandingly "You're waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under you again."

"Yeah, I guess I am." Kim groans and tosses her head back again the couch briefly, turning to Erin "Enough about my tragic love life; how are you and Jay?"

"Better.' Erin simply says.

"Erin. Come on."

"He's making an effort; I can't fault him for that. There's still a lot of late nights but at least he remembers to call or text me." Erin shrugs "I feel bad asking him for more than that, Kim. He's trying to be everything and it's not fair for me to ask for more just because I'm feeling lonely."

"It's not fair to either of you if you're not telling him how you feel, Erin." Kim points out "You're having a baby together; he should be around for those moments. It's not fair to feel like you're alone in this."

"Maybe. I don't know." Erin shakes her head "God, we're a right mess, aren't we?"

"At least we got each other." Kim shoulder-bumps her "Our kids will practically be family."

"I like that." Erin smiles "I'm glad our kids will have each other. That we have each other. You're a good friend, Kim Burgess."

Kim side hugs Erin as she says, "Right back at you."

"So, 25 weeks – how are we feeling?" Doctor Griffin asks as she adjusts the sheet over Erin's legs.

"Good. Tired." Erin chuckles "Little guy's been wearing me out a lot easier these days."

Doctor Griffin smiles "That's to be expected. Your body's doing a lot of work right now, not to mention the added weight you're carrying around constantly. It takes its toll."

Jay nods squeezing Erin's hand in his "She's officially on desk duty starting next week."

"That's good to hear, given how your blood pressure has been lately."

Jay frowns, looking to Erin as he asks, "Your blood pressure?"

Erin meets his eyes nervously "It's been a little high the last few check-ups, that's all. It's nothing."

Doctor Griffin narrows her eyes "Erin, you know high blood pressure can lead to other complications; for both you and the baby. You need to be careful."

"I know." Erin says softly "I've been making sure I rest, taking baths instead of showers …"

"And avoiding major stressors, like difficult work cases." Doctor Griffin adds.

Jay's eyes widen and Erin avoids his gaze, picking at the lint on the sheet draped over her. How did he not know about this earlier? He's been so busy with work, and he's missed a few appointments, but Erin had always told him that there was nothing to worry about.

"I didn't realise there was anything this serious going on." Jay tells the doctor, eyes still focused on Erin.

"It's a good thing you were able to make it to this appointment then, Mr Halstead." Doctor Griffin says and his heart splinters.

The cadence of the doctor's voice makes him feel judged. Jay hates that he looks like an absent father; doesn't this woman know that he's doing his best? There's nowhere he'd rather be than at every little appointment, standing beside Erin and learning every new facet of information there is to learn about their child. He hates that he only gets to see the baby through photographs when Erin comes back to the office after her check-ups.

But this is what he has to do to support his family. Jay's learning the ropes of leading Intelligence, he's about to take his Sergeant's exam and needs to be prepared, he's working as much as he can, so they don't have to worry too much about their finances in the first few months once the baby is born. Jay wants for him and Erin to be able to stay at home those first two weeks and focus solely on both their children, on their new family of four. And to do that, he has to make sure he's working now – he has to make sacrifices to provide for his family, to make sure they have everything they need.

"Yeah, doc, I guess it is." Jay mumbles.

Erin can hear the pain in his voice and tears prick her eyes. She looks up at him, but Jay's focus is on the screen that's come to life – waiting for their unborn child to make his presence known; it's something that Jay hasn't gotten to see in person in months and she knows how much he's been looking forwards to it. She doesn't want him to miss a thing so she settles for running her hand up his arm to comfort him, trying her best to ignore the slight tensing of his muscles under her touch.

This is not how Erin had imagined today going.

…

"Are we going to talk about this," Jay follows Erin into their house, waving the pamphlet in his hand "What the hell, Erin?"

"It's nothing to talk about, because it's not an issue right now." Erin answers heading into the kitchen and grabbing a glass of water.

"But it could become an issue. A very serious one at that." Jay argues, walking after her "she said you could develop preeclampsia, or go into early labour. How the hell could you not tell me about this?"

"What good would that have done?" Erin says.

"I could've helped! I could've-"

"What? You could've made sure you were home more, that I wasn't doing too much around here or stressing myself out looking after our daughter? What, Me being pregnant wasn't enough of a reason for you to want to be home with us, but it's different now that I potentially have a life-threatening condition?"

"That's not fair." Jay sighs "I'm doing the best I can, Er."

"I know you are! I'm not-" She pauses, taking a breath and lowering her voice "I'm not trying to dismiss what you're doing. I know you're trying your best, so am I. That's why I didn't want to say anything because it wouldn't have done any good."

"This is our child's health, your life Erin! You should've told me."

"You can't change the circumstances, Jay. You've got a job to do, and all this news would've done is made you worry, and I don't want your focus to be on anything else but the job when you're out there. When cops are distracted, that's how they end up not coming home."

"Erin …"

"You heard the doctor. If I keep my stress to a minimum, it'll be fine. I'm fine. So, please, just forget about it. Let's just go to bed. I've got this, okay? I can handle it."

Erin walks closer, kissing him on the cheek and them walking upstairs to their bedroom. The fight leaves his body, annoyance lingering inside. She dismissed him, and the conversation, so quickly. Like Erin's resigned herself to the fact that he's just not going to be around when she needs him. And he hates that he feels that from her.

Jay waits a beat, braced against the kitchen countertops while he tries to settle his racing heart. This isn't a fight worth having, especially not when Erin's supposed to be staying relaxed. He's aware of the situation now, so he just has to do better at making sure he's checking in on her and doing what he can to help her at home. Jay doesn't know how he's going to fit anything more into his schedule these days, but he'll have to find a way. His baby and Erin were too important to risk.

When he walks into the bedroom, the lights are switched off, but Erin's left his bedside lamp on. She's lying on the bed facing away from him, her body is so still Jay would almost believe that she was sleeping – but he can feel the tension radiating off her in waves. He knows her well enough to know that she's still wide awake; she just doesn't want Jay to think she is.

Quietly, Jay strips down to his boxers and flicks the lamp off as he gets under the covers with her. He moves so his body is pressed against Erin's, his chest to against her back, one hand over her swollen stomach to rub soothingly and his leg over hers. Erin's body relaxes against him as Jay spoons her and he smiles.

"You know it's not going to be like this forever, right?" Jay says quietly.

Erin nods and rolls over onto her back. Jay kisses her nose, and she scrunches her face in that adorable way he loves. Erin's hand reaches up to scratch the stubble covering his jaw and a small smile settles on her face.

"I know." She whispers.

Jay kisses her as he promises, "I'm gonna figure it out – we'll make this work."

September 2019

The thirtieth week of pregnancy brings Erin to her last week before maternity leave. She had wanted to stay on desk duty a little while longer, but Hank and Jay had won that argument; especially once her fiancée informed her pseudo-father about her high blood pressure. So, this would be her last week behind a desk and then she would be staying home for the remainder of her pregnancy.

"Erin?" Jay's voice booming through their house startles her, "Erin!"

"I'm here, I'm here, quit yelling." Erin waddles down the stairs "What's going on?"

"You want to explain what the hell this is?" Jay thrusts a bunch of papers in her hands and Erin flips through them, confused.

"Are these bank statements? Why are you looking through my accounts?" Erin asks.

Jay's huffing and pacing the floor in front of her and it's scaring her more than she ever thought Jay would scare her, "I told you I had to give the social worker all our financial information for the past six months for Evie's adoption. That's not the point. What I want to talk about," Jay pauses his pacing and snatches the papers back, flipping through until he finds the right transaction and points it out to her "is this."

Erin's eyes widen, looking at the $500 monthly deduction from her account.

"I can explain."

"Well, I sure hope so. I mean, there's gotta be something else right? Because I know you're not sending $500 a month to Logan Correctional Facility for Bunny; not after you promised me you've cut all ties with her."

"Jay … I'm sorry." Erin cries.

Jay stops pacing again, turning to look at his fiancée. He didn't want to believe it. When the social worker had asked him about it, Jay had told her it was some kind of error or scam and Erin probably hadn't noticed it – 'pregnancy brain, you know?' he had told the lady. But looking at her now, in her eyes, he knows it's not. This was a conscious decision Erin had made, and she had lied to him about it. Again.

"What the fuck have you been keeping from me?"

2023 (two-annd-a-half months after)

"I think the pregnancy is when things started to go off-track." Erin says, "I'm not saying it's Andrew's fault in any way, just that we had so much going on at that time; it's when I felt the most withdrawn."

"Withdrawn, in what way?" Sara asks.

"There were so many changes in our life, so quickly, that I just felt like I lost perspective. I didn't really know who I was anymore, or how I fit into my own life. It was lonely … I-I felt alone."

"I never meant for you to feel like that, Erin." Jay says.

Erin turns to face him, shaking her head "I know you didn't. You had – you have an important job to do, and I get that better than most."

"Is that why you never told Jay how you were feeling?" Sara questions.

"I think so," Erin shrugs "That's what I told myself at the time, at least. I just felt like I was burdening him if I said anything. I know how dangerous his job can become if our head's not in it. I didn't want him to feel guilty for not being home. And then, after a while, I guess I got it in my head that he just didn't want to be home. With me."

Jay seems surprised by her words "How could you think that? Erin, there's nowhere I wanted to be more than home with you and our kids."

"You say that but … actions speak louder than words, right? And you and I were so far removed from one another by the time Andrew was born, it was only because of his birth and everything we were dealing with at the time that we just let all our issues slide and went back to being the couple we were. Or some weird version of them at least. But you stopped answering my texts, or calling to wish the kids goodnight, or letting me know if you'd be home for dinner. I'm not saying all this to hurt you, because in my head I knew – that logical part of me knew that you were doing your best to be there for us when you could – but at the time it also just didn't feel like we were a priority for you."

Sara jots down a few notes in her book before asking, "Do you think she has a point Jay?"

"Maybe." he says quietly nodding "For me, I thought I was doing enough, you know. I was trying so hard to make everything work, to not let anyone down, that maybe I let more things slip through the cracks than I thought I had."

"Who didn't you want to let down?" Sara asks.

"Erin. Our kids. Hank. My-"

"Hank?" Erin interjects. She glances apologetically between her husband and their therapist, unintentionally having broken one of their agreed-upon rules – let the other person speak their mind before you start speaking yours.

Jay squeezes his wife's hand, letting her know it's okay "I felt a lot of pressure to live up to this expectation of what the leader of Intelligence should be. And I've kind of always doubted my place as a leader …"

Sara frowns "You've been running your unit for nearly four years. Why do you still doubt yourself?"

"It's not like I was Hank's first choice. Right?" He directs the question towards Erin, looking at her husband wide-eyed.

"You really think Hank picked you because, what, you were the best of the bunch he had left?"

"I don't know, but the man never really liked me. Do you really think he wouldn't have offered it up to you if you weren't pregnant, or Antonio if he'd still been around at the time?"

Erin's silence is deafening. She doesn't really know what to say at this point, how to persuade Jay to see otherwise. To not think so poorly of himself. Has he spent all these years feeling unworthy of the leadership he was given?

Sara cuts in, offering a reprieve and giving Erin the time that she needs to gather her thoughts, "Jay, if that's really how you feel, even after all this time, maybe it's worth having a conversation with Hank. From what you've both told me he's still a very big part of your lives; it can't be easy being around him all the time when you feel this way." She sighs looking at the clock "We're almost finished for today. Erin, I believe it's your turn this week; what was your moment?"

Erin nods, letting out a breath as she faces Jay "You were home for dinner more the last week. And even though I understand why you're normally home late, it was nice having you with us at the dinner table and going over our days together; the four of us. I like that bedtime was a tag-team effort." Jay chuckles softly "But the best moment was last night. You came home and the first thing you did was hug me, so tightly. It was soothing."

Her cheeks heat up; Erin's never been good with expressing emotions so vulnerably, but she powers through, "I don't know what happened at work to cause that reaction, but we just stood there in the living room for the longest time and … it was the first in a long time that you leaned on me, let me comfort you. It meant a lot."

Sara smiled as she saw Jay and Erin's attentive gaze of one another. In the near three months they had been coming to see her they'd make such great progress, once they had both committed themselves to doing the work. Looking down at her notes from today's session, the therapist couldn't help but feel a little nervous. They still had a long journey ahead of them, and there were several things she needed them to confront – as a couple, and as individuals – for their relationship to truly start to heal.

Their next sessions would definitely be the hardest and Sara just hoped they would both be able to make it through the upcoming months, together.

A/N: A/N: Hey! Sorry for the long wait, I kind of lost inspiration with this chapter but I've finally managed to power through and finish it. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!

The flashbacks are going to be quite long over the next few chapters so I can catch up on them a bit more, which means the current part of their story will move a little bit slower as a result. I think this will happen for two or three more chapters, so I can cover the pregnancy and get up to Erin's career change – and that's when the fun starts hehe

I'll be starting to interweave Jay and Erin's conversations with one another as well as their conversations in therapy, with the events taking place in the flashbacks of this story; so things will definitely start to move quicker after the next couple of chapters. I'm so excited for you all to see what's coming …

The song for this chapter is 'Worthy of You' by Plested. Please leave a review and let me know what you think!

Until next time :)