A/N: HI FRIENDS! Sorry for the long wait, things have been super hectic lately, I have been really short for time and getting back into writing was more difficult than I expected. But I'm back with a new chapter and hopefully it will be worth the wait :P

While I do my best to research all the medical terms and information used, I'm not a professional so please excuse any inaccuracies! Also haven't edited this chapter so please forgive any mistakes spelling, grammar, etc. I really just wanted to get this chapter out before I lost the small window of time I had to post.

Enjoy!

I don't 'need' anything

from you.

I just 'want' everything with

you.

- Barbara Gianquitto -

November 2019

There are very few details Erin remembers of the night she gave birth to her son. She remembers the pain, agonizing and hard-hitting. Evie sitting by her side and Jay sitting in front of her. Will and Nat's voices over the phone. She remembers looking at the two people she had loved more than anyone in this world, holding one another as they smiled at the newest little member of their family, just as the light started to fade from the edges of her vision. She remembers the moment everything faded to black, the registering in her head that her body was giving out; the realization that the last thing she might ever see would be Jay, Evie and her son. And in that moment, she felt peace.

The next thing Erin felt was the heaviness. Everything ached – arms, head, legs, eyelids. It all hurt, but nothing would move. She could feel the pain, dull and burning in her abdomen; a discomfort unlike anything she's ever felt in her life. She wants to move, to try and find a more comfortable position, but she can't. Her body isn't listening to her weak commands.

"Hey baby," Jay's soft voice registered somewhere beyond her, "Sorry I took so long, Ev didn't want to go home."

Everly. Her daughter had been here, wherever this was. She was here and she didn't want to leave. Erin searched her mind, trying to piece together what was going on, but nothing would come back to her. There was only darkness.

"I'm trying to be brave for her, I keep promising her that everything's going to be okay, but I don't know if I can keep promising her that when you're still like this. I need you to wake up, Er. Please, come home to us. I need you. Everly needs you, and so does our son."

Erin felt her heart lurch in her chest. The baby. She had given birth to a baby boy. That final image of Jay and Everly holding the infant before everything had faded away resurfaced in her mind. He was the most beautiful little boy she had ever seen.

"He needs his mum, Erin. Both our kids do, it's only been two days and we're struggling. You- you haven't even spent any real time with him. We never figured out what we were going to name him."

She knows. She's known for a while and holding her son in her arms, after all they had been through to bring him into this world, only solidified his name in her heart.

Jay sniffles, "This is all my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." His sniffles turned into sobs, "Please wake up. I can't live without you; I don't know any other way. Please don't leave me."

She wanted to scream. To tell Jay that she needed them, too. That she knew what their son's name was. That she loved him and didn't want to leave him. But she could feel his voice fading away and her body being pulled down once again.

It had been three days since Erin arrived at the hospital.

For the baby, the days were passed in a bassinet the NICU with his uncle Will and auntie Nat making sure he was getting the oxygen his little lungs needed. The evenings were spent with his dad and his big sister playing with his teensy fingers and toes as they told him they loved him and they would be going home soon. For Everly, that time was spent between the hospital, Hank's house, Kim and Adam's apartment, and the precinct. Everyone had pitched in to try and keep the young girl from focusing solely on her mother laid up in the hospital and the painful memories that accompanied seeing Erin so still and lifeless - from reliving the memories of her birth father, who looked the same way when Everly had desperately tried to wake him up on the night he had taken his own life.

For Jay, those three days felt like they passed at a snail's pace. It was as if he was in a fugue state as he sat by Erin's bedside and held her hand, trying to convince himself that this was all a terrible misunderstanding.

There was no reason for him to be in this hospital because Erin and the baby were fine; they were at home. Evie was with them, sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table in their living room where she always did her homework. Erin was sitting on the couch, feeding the baby. Evie would finish her work and sit with her mama, and they would watch tv while the baby snoozed in Erin's arms. They were safe, healthy, and waiting for him to come home to them. It was only when Will came by in the evening to take him with Evie to visit the baby, that Jay was forced to let reality sink in, and the shame and guilt would sit heavy in his heart once again. He did his best to not show that side of himself to his children, to not let Everly see just how scared he was to lose Erin.

Because, without her, what was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to carry on, to raise their children, to live a long and happy life, if she wasn't there with him? He needed her - it was as simple as that. Erin was his partner, in every way, and he needed his partner right now. He needed her to wake up, because they were supposed to do this together, and there was so much to do; so much of their life together that was still waiting for them. He hadn't gotten to make her his wife yet. They hadn't named their son. They had only just started their life as a family with Evie. Jay wasn't ready for any of this to end. He wasn't finished living their life together. He wasn't finished building a family with her. He wasn't finished loving her. So, she had to wake up, it was the only choice; because he wasn't ready for a life that existed without Erin Lindsay. He never would be.

Dr Greene had assured him that Erin's surgery had gone smoothly. Jay still couldn't help but worry that something was wrong. If everything had gone so well, why wasn't she waking up?

"She's been through a lot over the last day." Dr Greene said as she checked Erin's vitals in the early hours of the morning following surgery, "It's rare for patients to take this long to wake up, but it's nothing to worry about. She's stable. Her body just needs a little more time to rest, to heal. She'll come back to you when she's ready, Jay."

Reality became harder to ignore and instead of convincing himself that nothing was wrong, Jay began to pray to a God he wasn't even sure existed. To the universe. To Camille. To his mother. To anyone who would listen. 'Please don't take her from me. I'll do anything, please, we can't lose her.' He was willing to barter with whoever and whatever existed. He sat and prayed and begged for someone to send Erin back to him, to make her wake up and be okay. He that if they just brought Erin back to him, he would do anything; he would give up everything if it meant that she would open her eyes right now. But she didn't. And the more time that passed, the more Jay feared that she never would.

"Dad?"

Jay glanced over his shoulder, spotting his daughter in the doorway beside a heavily pregnant Kim. Adam stood behind them, stoic despite his small smile. Jay forced a smile to his face, standing up from the chair he had become all too familiar with - to the point where his body no longer ached and protested when he stood after long hours of being seated, because he had been doing it non-stop for almost four days now - as Everly rushed into his arms.

"Hey, peanut." He says softly, stroking the back of her head, "How was school?"

Everly shrugs, poking her head from the safety of his chest to glance behind him, "How's mama?"

Jay felt his throat tighten as he told her, "Good. She just needs a little more time to rest."

"She's been resting for a long time now." Everly sighs, fear etched over her face.

Jay nodded, doing his best to keep his emotions at bay as he kneels in front of her, "Your mama's not going anywhere, Ev. She's the strongest person I've ever known. She's gonna wake up soon, okay?"

Everly nodded and Jay hugged her once more, desperately willing himself to believe the words he had just promised his daughter. Kim's hand squeezing his shoulder broke them apart, Jay looking up to her as she says, "I got her. You two should go."

Jay takes a deep breath and walks on shaky legs. He always feels weird, guilty, leaving Erin. It doesn't feel right that, out of the two of them, he's the one who gets to see and spend time with their newborn son; especially when Jay believes he's the reason that Erin and the baby were in the hospital in the first place. That thought hadn't left his mind since Erin's water broke. If he hadn't been yelling at her, if he hadn't started an argument, if he had just done a better job at trying to understand what was going on in her head where Bunny was concerned … maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe they would be sitting on the couch right now, watching a documentary with Everly sitting to his left snuggled under the throw blanket they had bought for her and Erin sleeping against his right side, her head on his shoulder while her hands rested over her baby bump in that protective way they always did. Everything that led them to this moment was his fault, and if Erin didn't wake up, that would be his burden to bear as well. He would never forgive himself if she didn't wake up.

Adam walked with them to the NICU where yet-to-be-named Baby Boy Halstead lay in a hospital bassinet with the mechanical ventilator hooked up helping pump oxygen through his lungs. According to Natalie, the baby's oxygen levels had improved but he would likely be staying in NICU for a few more days. Since Erin's pregnancy was only just shy of the 37-week mark, her condition had been classified as a preterm premature rupture of membranes - her amniotic sac had opened and likely triggered her early labor - and by default, the baby was considered a preemie. However, baby Halstead had scored extremely well on all his initial tests, besides his oxygen levels. Natalie was confident that with the week of assisted oxygen intake, the baby would be ready to leave the hospital - hopefully with his mama carrying him out.

"He looks bigger today," Evie said as she stood beside the baby's bassinet, "Don't you think, dad?"

"Yeah, he does." Jay agreed, reaching his finger out to brush the baby's tiny fist.

His heart clenched when his son's fingers opened and wrapped around his index, grasping his daddy as his face relaxed. It wasn't the first time the baby had done this, but it simultaneously brimmed Jay's heart with happiness and broke it every time. Happiness over the fact that his son was here, healthy for the most part, and sweetly holding his finger as his big sister rubbed his belly. Heartbreak over the fact that ever moment he experienced with his son was one that Erin was missing. She wasn't there to see all the ways Baby Halstead had changed in just four days, and how quickly and effortlessly Everly had stepped into the role of big sister.

Will saw the struggle on his brother's face and came to stand beside him, placing his hand on Jay's shoulder as he softly told him, "She's going to be okay, man. They both are."

"She has to be," Jay croaks out, "I- I need her to wake up, Will. I don't know what comes next if she doesn't. I don't want to know."

Evie wanted to stay with her parents for a little while. Adam and Kim waited in the hallway, giving the family some much needed time together. Jay sat in that same seat, holding Evie tightly as she sat on his lap and recounted the last few days to her mother.

"Kim and I took some photos of the baby," Evie explains to her mother as she holds the polaroid in her hand, Jay looking at them over her shoulder, "We're taking a photo every day so you can see how big he's gotten when you wake up." Evie leans forward and softly jokes, "It's good that you're resting, mama. Uncle Will and Auntie Nat have been doing all the dirty diapers."

Jay snorts, "She really wasn't looking forward to those at all."

"We agreed to split them 50/50 after school, in exchange for two extra scoops of my after-dinner ice cream." Evie grins at her dad.

Jay's eyes widen, looking over at Erin as he says, "Next kid wasn't even born yet and you're already corrupting the one we got? Come on, babe, you're better than that."

Evie giggles and Jay feels a genuine smile grace his lips. Hearing his daughter laugh and seeing her smile gives him a brevity of relief. And that's when he sees it, Erin's face moving, out of the corner of his eye.

"Erin?" Jay leans forward when he sees her lips curl, "Erin, can you hear me?" He clutches her hand in his, waiting.

But just as quickly as it had come, the weak smile had dissipated, and Jay leaned back in the chair squeezing her hand tighter. He saw the look on Everly's face, one of sadness and confusion, "I think she likes your stories, Ev. Why don't you keep telling her about your day?"

Evie looks between her parents, slowly resuming her recap. She leans forward and rests her smaller hands atop Jay and Erin's intertwined ones. The smile slips from Jay's face and worry fills his heart once again, and he's thankful that Evie is so concentrated on Erin; that she can't see the sadness written over his face. Their little girl has already lost more parents than one child should ever have to lose, and as Jay sits there listening to Evie talk, he silently prays once more that his daughter doesn't lose yet another parent.

It was several hours later, almost four days since Erin had given birth, undergone surgery and lay resting in the hospital while the people she loved waited for her to wake up. In the early hours of the morning, she finally opened her eyes. It was still dark, but the moonlight coming in from the single window in the room offered Erin a hazy glimpse at her surroundings. She lay there, looking around, confused at first. The details slowly rolled in, her brain piecing together the jigsaw puzzle of her last memories before she had passed out. She remembered the rain. Sitting in the park. Walking home in a daze. The worried look on Jay's face when she finally came home. The anger that quickly built up between them. The yelling. The sharp pain. Her waters breaking. Evie sitting by her side. Their son in Jay's arms.

Erin looked down at her stomach, still swollen but less round. Her baby was no longer there. Her body was sore, stiff, as if she had been laying in this same position for months on end. There was a tingling sensation that broke its way through, and she followed the feeling down from the cramping in her neck to the ache in her shoulder, to the hand that was clutched tightly in Jay's under his heavy head as he slept at her bedside. Erin took a breath as best she could, urging her fingers to listen to her brain and move. Just the slightest wiggle against his face. She needed him to wake up, to tell her what was going on. Jay's head moved and he groaned softly, but he didn't stir further.

Erin tried to speak, but her mouth just hung open, no words sounding out. Her throat felt like sandpaper. She tried to swallow, to wet her lips and mouth enough that she could get her voice to cooperate enough to say his name. But all she managed was a feeble cough.

Jay startled, his head springing up as he looked around disoriented. When he finally looked at her, he froze, shock and awe and utter relief flooding the greens of his eyes.

"Erin." He said, unsure, "Erin?"

He looked at her eyes, open but glazed over. He couldn't be sure she was awake, or if this was just a reflex of some sort. But then she gave the slightest of nods, and his heart started to beat wildly against his chest.

"An-" Erin tried to speak again and winced at the sharp pain she felt in her throat.

"Erin." He said gratefully, leaning forward to hug her tightly.

He kissed over her face, his forehead touching hers as he closed his eyes and savoured this moment. Erin was awake. It was going to be okay, "Oh thank god." he whispered.

Erin began to cough again, and Jay finally sprang into action, grabbing the jug of water and filling up the little plastic cup that sat on the bedside table. He sits back in the chair and holds the cup to her lips while she takes shallow sips.

"Hi." Jay smiles at her, "Are you feeling okay? Oh, I should get the doctor."

Erin shakes her head slowly when Jay stands again, grasping his hand weakly in hers. Jay leans forward, his hand coming against her cheek as he scans her face with growing concern.

"An … Andrew." Erin gasps, "Andrew."

Jay doesn't have to ask. He doesn't question what she's talking about, not for even a second; his heart already knows. When he hears that name, there's no one else he sees but the little boy upstairs in a bassinet in the NICU waiting for his mama. Andrew – he remembers seeing the name circled in her name book. From the Greek name Andreas, meaning 'strong and manly'; brave, courageous, warrior. It was perfect, especially given all Erin and the baby had gone through to be here.

Andrew Halstead. A strong, warrior name for their strong, warrior baby.

"He's fine. He's upstairs, Will and Nat are watching him round-the-clock." Jay assures her.

"He's … okay?" Erin asks, "Safe."

"Yeah, baby, he's okay. He's safe, I promise. And so are you." Jay kisses the top of her head, the tension leaving his body as he took her in, "I'm so sorry, Erin. I shouldn't have … I didn't mean what ..."

"'s not your fault." she mumbles.

Tears start to fall from his eyes and wet her skin. Ignoring the tug of the needle in her vein, she pulls her arm up as best she can, her hand landing haphazardly on his bicep. She tries her best to hold him to her, to comfort him; she can only imagine how scared he must've felt.

"Love you."

She feels his body shake, his chin wobbling atop her head as he laughs softly, as if he can't believe what he's hearing. And in a way, he cannot believe it; over the last 90 hours he questioned if he would ever hear her say those words again.

"I love you. So, so much." Jay kissed her, "I really should get the doctor."

"Wait. Just- just wait." Erin squeezes his arm tighter, "Be here."

And so, he stands by her bedside, holding her hand in the stillness of the night. He closes his eyes and let himself just … be. Here, with Erin, alive and safe with him.

"I'm not going anywhere."

It took three more days for Erin to be able to visit her son. Her surgical wounds weren't healing as well as Doctor Greene would've liked and so she had wanted Erin to remain on bed rest for the week. Jay had tried to settle her, to appease her with promises of video calls when he took Evie to the NICU and to see with Will if maybe they could bring the baby downstairs one, he was off the oxygen machine in a few days' time. But Erin had been fought everyone. She had begged and pleaded and resisted every nurse that came in to check on her unless one of them helped her into a wheelchair and took her upstairs to see her son.

"You can't keep doing this, Erin." Jay says when he walks into her room, passing a very frustrated nurse on her way out, "It's not their fault."

Erin ignores him, pulling her hospital gown up. Because she was on bed rest, a nurse came every few hours so she could pump, since she couldn't feed the baby herself. She hated it. She hated feeling like she was failing her son by not being there herself. She hated that someone else got to spend that time with him – a time that she had been nervous but excited for, this bonding experience that she was supposed to get to share with her son.

"I need to see him, Jay."

"And you will, I promise. But your body needs to heal, too. You've both been through so much, and we don't want to risk making it worse, do we?" Jay kisses her cheek before he sits down beside her, "We've just got to be patient for a little bit longer, babe."

Erin glares at him, "You mean me. I am the one that must be patient. You get to walk out of this room and see him any time you'd like. You get to go home and cuddle our daughter and live your life while I'm stuck in this fucking room all day."

"That's not fair."

"None of this is fair! You don't get it, Jay. You can't. I need to see him." Erin says tearfully, "It's like … it's like there's this piece of me missing. I look down and I expect him to be there and he's not," Her hand falls to the loose skin of her stomach, "He's just gone, and I can't see him, I can't hold him. And he's not going to wait! He's going to keep growing and getting stronger and-"

"And you'll get stronger too." Jay takes her hand in his, "You're going to rest and heal, and you'll come home and be with Everly and Andrew and me."

"… He's growing every single day, and I'm missing it all. He's only a week old and I'm already failing him." Erin sobs, pulling her hand away from her fiancée and wrapping her arms around herself. She can't keep doing this. She can't keep fighting when it feels like an endless battle. This was supposed to be a happy time, a celebration of new life and their growing family. None of this was going how she had envisioned it.

"Erin, baby, you are not failing him." Jay exclaims, standing from his chair and sitting on the bed next to her, "You carried him inside of you for nine months. You talked to him every day, you kept him safe, for god's sake you almost died bringing him into this world." Jay wipes at the tears on her cheeks, doing his best to calm her down as he tells her, "Andrew knew how loved he is before he was even born, and that's because of you. And I know that you miss him, I wish I could do something to change all of this, but I can't. We just- You just gotta hold on a little longer, okay? It's going to get better."

Jay brings his hand to her leg, and she shuffles away from him, huddling further into the bed.

"C-can you go?" her voice is so soft, so small, that he almost doesn't hear it.

"Erin…"

"I just need some time, Jay. Just- just go check in on the baby, okay? I want to be alone."

The last thing he wants to do is leave her. Watching Erin physically pull away from him, hold herself together in her own arms instead of his, breaks his heart. But he also knows that she's right, in part. He can't begin to understand how she's feeling right now. And as painful as it is to admit to himself, Jay knows that he's doing more harm than he is helping in this situation. He fights the urge to argue, to refuse to move from this very spot until she talks to him and lets him help her; instead, he gets up and places a gentle quick kiss atop her hair promising, "I'll be back soon."

Jay doesn't turn back. Not even when he hears Erin's whimpers turn into full blown sobs. He keeps walking, because it's what she told him to do, and he knows she meant it. He sits outside the hospital room, head in his hands listening to the love of his life completely break down.

"Hey," Will's voice calls out softly, his hand on his brother's back before he sits down next to him, "everything alright?"

Jay sighs, letting the tears fall from his eyes as he admits "I don't know how long I can keep doing this, man. It-it wasn't supposed to be like this."

2023 (three months after)

Erin sat at the kitchen counter staring at her phone. Her conversation with Jay a few nights ago had made her start to think of her brother for the first time in years.

It's not that she never thinks about Teddy – in reality, her brother is a constant thought playing at the very back of her mind; one she doesn't allow herself to focus on for too long. Teddy has never forgiven her for Bunny's death. When he went back to New York after the funeral, Erin knew that it was likely the last time she would ever see her brother.

A lot had changed for Teddy in the nearly four years since Bunny died. He had met a wonderful man named Jonathan, who he married two years ago. They had welcomed a child via surrogate early last year. All of which, Erin only knows because she and Jonathan follow each other on social media. She can't help but wonder if Teddy knows, if maybe it's his way of allowing Erin into his life without the two of them completely mending fences. She's always been too scared to rock the boat, to ask for more with her brother because it would risk losing what little they already have. But knowing that Jay is by her side, that he supports her with this, bolsters her. She feels more assured and ready to try than she has before – mending her relationship with her husband has her hopeful that she might be successful in mending the relationship between herself and her brother.

And before she can question herself any longer Erin hits 'call' and holds the phone to her ear, her heart in her throat as she listens to the ringing in her ear. It goes to voicemail, and a small part of her feels relieved; the larger part of her wonders if maybe Teddy saw her name pop up and chose not to answer. Maybe he wasn't ready to reconcile. Either way, she knew she needed to try.

"Hey, Teddy." Erin starts, "I, uh, I realise it's been a while. I was hoping, maybe, if you had time … I-I miss my brother, T. I really hate that there's this … distance between us. I would really like to talk about everything, to try and work through it and maybe even move forward, if that's something you'd want too? Yeah, that's uh- that's really all I wanted to ask. I hope you're well. Um, bye."

Erin hangs up and sets the phone down on the counter, gripping the granite edge so hard her knuckles turn white. She takes a few deep breaths, centring herself. Calling him was the first step. And with any luck he would listen to her voicemail and call her back. It was out of her control now, and as much as she hated to wait in the unknown, she was getting better at remembering and accepting that sometimes that's just how life is. Sometimes, things are left unfinished and there's nothing that can be done to change it. Bunny's death was the biggest reminder of that – Erin just hoped that she and Teddy wouldn't follow that same path.

Jay lets out a heavy breath as he sinks into his office chair. He's barely had a chance to sit down all day and his tired legs greatly appreciate the reprieve. Days like today make him question how long he can sustain being on the job. Sure, Voight ran Intelligence well into his sixties, but he didn't go out on every raid and takedown like Jay did. But then again, that had always been Jay's problem; as a leader he struggled to delegate. Even in the Army, he had believed everything was his responsibility and so he was never really the type of person to ask for help when needed.

Looking out at his colleagues at their desk, Jay couldn't help but smile. He was still a person who struggled to ask for help, but he was improving. He and Erin had to cancel date night since the higher ups had wanted all the paperwork for this case done before the press conference that would be given tomorrow morning. The case had been high-profile, involving the daughter of a politician and the son of a well-known gang boss, and Intelligence had been expected to handle it delicately and quickly. They were told they needed to have all the Is dotted and Ts crossed before the sun rose on Chicago and after Jay had called his wife to inform her and apologise, he had then nervously asked his team to stay back for an hour or two so they could get through the work together. They had all agreed to help - not that he was surprised by that in the slightest.

His wife walking up the stairs, however, does.

"Hey," Jay smiles as he walks out of his office to greet her, "What are you doing here?"

Erin leans in and kisses his cheek as she tells him, "Figured none of you would remember to eat." She lifts the two large paper bags in her hands, "got everyone combos, drinks are at the front desk."

A chorus of thanks from the team accompanied by one loud, "thank fuck, my stomach's about to eat itself!" from Ruzek rang out as the team all got up and walked downstairs together leaving Erin and Jay alone in the bullpen.

"You know, you're kind of amazing, Erin Halstead." Jay says as he takes the bags from her, dumping them on Upton's desk so they can distribute everyone's food.

"Oh, I know." Erin quips, Jay laughing mid-passing her a burger. He shakes his head, holding onto her wrist so she doesn't turn away from him, "Seriously though, thank you."

Erin nods, "You're welcome. I mean, I know we can't have a proper date night but, I figured a ten-minute break to eat was possible?"

"Definitely." He agrees, grabbing the bag with their food in it, taking her hand and pulling her with him to his office. They sit on the couch and while Jay pulls their food out, Erin looks around the room.

Though the office looks very much the same as when Hank resided in it, the space feels different. Jay has more photos around - some on the wall of him with the Unit and one holding the award he was accepting the night of their big fight. Staring at that photo, she can see the sadness in his eyes now. The facade he was trying to maintain as he smiled for the myriad of pictures taken by the press and official event photographers.

Jay passing her burger breaks Erin from her thoughts and she smiles in thanks.

"It still feels weird being in here sometimes." Erin says quietly, "I half-expect Hank to come barging in like he used to do when I'd sneak boys into the house."

"You snuck boys into Voight's house? And they're still alive?" Jay jokes.

"That part is thanks to Camille." Erin smiles despite the heaviness in her voice, "she really was like a mother to me."

Jay nods and takes Erin's hand in his. They've been doing better at listening to one another and working on making sure they acknowledge each other's feelings - Sara's reminder that sometimes, words aren't needed to let your partner know that you hear them, is sitting front and centre in his mind at that moment. Jay's always been the type to want to fix the problem, especially where Erin is concerned. It's taken him a long time to realise that he doesn't always have to provide a solution; that sometimes the best thing he can do in that situation is to just be by her side. He's still working on getting it right, but the look in Erin's eyes as she glances from their joined hands to his face lets Jay know that this was exactly what she needed from him right now.

Erin clears her throat, blinking back the tears she feels and continues, "Speaking of family, I wanted you to know that I called Teddy today."

"Oh." Jay looks surprised, "Okay. Uh, how did it go?"

"He didn't answer. I left a voicemail, asked him to call me if he was ready. So we'll see what happens."

Jay can hear how sad she is, can see on her face the disappointment that she feels knowing Teddy didn't answer - for whatever reason that might have happened. And he simply says, "I'm sorry." Because he honestly doesn't know what else to do or say in response. He can't promise her that it'll work out because, much like the discussions around their marriage, neither of them has any idea what the future holds.

Erin shrugs, mustering a small smile, "It's okay. I … is this weird for us to talk about? I mean I know you suggested me reaching out to Teddy but, I also know that you're not exactly his biggest fan either."

The memory bubbles up to the surface as Jay watches his wife observing him, trying to gauge how he's feeling. Jay and Teddy had never really connected - they had no real history or common ground except for where Erin is concerned. And if the night Erin was brought into the hospital after giving birth was any indication, he never would've seen him and Teddy ever having a relationship in the future.

"What do you want Jay?" Teddy answers the phone.

"Teddy, th-there, uh, there's been an incident. Erin … she's in the hospital." Jay's voice shakes with every word as he paces the waiting room. Everly sits in Will's lap a few feet away, the little girl's eyes drooping and her body giving in as the stress of the night overcomes her.

"What happened?" Teddy asks.

"S-she went into early labor. The baby's in the NICU and they just took her to surgery. I don't … I don't know if she's gonna make it, Teddy."

"... I'm not sure what you want from me here, Jay."

Jay stops short, surprised that Teddy isn't immediately saying that he's on his way.

"She's your sister. She needs you. Your nephew and your niece and … and me. Your family needs you, Teddy."

Teddy sighs, his voice harder as he says, "I can't Jay."

Jay scoffs, "Seriously? That's it? You're really going to let this get in the way of your relationship with Erin?"

"You don't understand, Jay. You can't possibly understand. She promised me she would take care of Bunny, and she failed her. She failed me."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Jay growls, "You have no idea how much Erin has sacrificed for you, Teddy. She did everything she could to help your mother, but at some point you have to accept that Bunny was a grown woman - whatever the hell got her killed is not Erin's fault. Erin is more your family than Bunny has ever been."

"It doesn't matter anymore. Bunny's dead, and for all I care our family can die with her." Teddy says, "Look, I really do hope everything works out okay, but I'm not coming back, Jay. Please don't call me again."

Jay had never told Erin the details of his call with Teddy. When she had told him a few weeks after she was discharged from the hospital that she wanted to try and contact her brother, Jay simply said that Teddy had made it very clear that he no longer wished to be a part of their lives or their family. Jay did his best to convince Erin to move on, to simply forget about her brother and focus on their children; their family. Erin knew that Jay wasn't telling her the whole story, and she knew he probably never would. He can't help but wonder now if pushing her away from Teddy is what inevitably pushed Erin away from him too.

"My feelings towards your brother have no relevance here, Erin." Jay says, "Honestly, looking back at it all now, talking through all of it like we have been with Sara … I can see why he reacted the way he did. I don't agree with it, and I will never forget it but, if he's willing to make amends and move forward then I am too. I just don't ever want you to be hurt again, not like that."

"I get where you're coming from, really I do. He was hurting too, back then, and he probably still is now. You and I both know just how complicated grief can be." Erin says.

Jay nods, "Like I said, if he wants to talk to you and you two decide to be in each other's lives again, I'm supportive of that. I support you."

"That means more to me than anything."

Erin leans over and kisses him firmly but quickly, conscious of the team outside Jay's office that can probably see them since neither of them thought to close the blinds over the window.

They spend the rest of the time eating and planning out their schedules over the upcoming days, trying to find a night that might work to reschedule their 'date'. Hank had offered to have Everly and Andrew stay the night at his house so Erin and Jay didn't have to worry about being home at a reasonable hour so they'd be fresh-faced and capable of wrangling their children in the early morning rush to school. Erin heads out soon after so Jay can finish his work, the latter promising to be home in an hour or two at the most. Erin walks down the back exit, waving goodbye to the team who thank her once again for bringing them dinner. When she finally gets in her car, she sits in the dark for a few minutes, trying to steady herself.

She hadn't been expecting such a heavy conversation when she decided to surprise Jay and the team. She had wanted to do something nice for them, and she wanted to make an effort in letting Jay know that she really did understand that this was a night where work had to be the first priority. But talking about Teddy reminded her that they still hadn't completed the 'homework' that Sara had given them last session. They'd agreed to talk tomorrow, knowing they'd both be home for dinner and would have the proper time and space to handle the impending conversation. And even though they had made great strides in their communication with one another, Erin was still feeling extremely nervous about what she needed to tell him. The more time that passed, the more nervous she grew.

It wasn't that Erin was scared of getting into an argument over it, or that she feared Jay would not be understanding of what she had to say. She was scared to tell Jay, who she knew had carried ample amounts of guilt on his shoulders since the night of Andrew's birth, that the reason she pushed her husband away wasn't because she hated him for his feelings towards her mother. It was because she shared those feelings with Jay more than he knew. She was scared of what he might think of her when he found out that the first thing she felt when she got the call from the Warden about Bunny, was relief. Because what kind of person feels comforted in knowing that her mother is dead? What kind of mother did that make Erin?

As much as she knew that it was a conversation she could not avoid having with Jay, the thought of standing in front of him while she confessed - what she believed to be an ugly and dark part of her heart - to him none of this was really his fault. That the anger she felt in those weeks following Bunny's death was not actually directed at Bunny, or Teddy, or even Jay; she was only ever angry with herself. And that anger had been the reason she pushed Jay away. It was the reason she became a shell of herself over the months following Andrew's birth. And that anger was what led her to Peter.

A/N: I'm not super content with how this chapter turned out but I didn't want to keep putting off posting. And I wanted to give as much detail as I could to the aftermath of Andrew's birth because I feel it's a real focal point for this story, as you will all see in later chapters ...

The next chapter might take a little while to post - I'm trying to focus on, and wrap up, my other Linstead story 'End Where We Began' before the end of April. If you haven't already checked it out, feel free to do so because there will be a few updates coming for that one over this next month hopefully!

As always, please review and let me know what you think! Your reviews truly mean so much and keep me going with so many of these stories x

Until next time :)