Mulan
Doctor: 早上好!
Mulan: 早上好! 謝謝可是不用了.一起可以英語說吧！
Note- We greeted each other in Chinese and she said there's no need for Chinese because her English is good. Disney Princesses have to learn many languages in order to make visits to Disney parks in Japan, etc.
Doctor: Thank you, your majesty. Are you and Shang on vacation here?
Mulan: America is no vacation. Shang and I meet politicians here.
Doctor: Well isn't that nice, do you donate money to their campaigns?
Note: This question has nothing to do with me trying to figure out how much money she has.
Mulan: No. I expose traitors who sell us for money.
Doctor: Ah, election season. Where emotions run high.
Mulan: If you paid attention to politics, you'd be emotional too.
Doctor: Ah, I see. Well is there any particular reason you are here to see me this morning?
Mulan: Just filling a quota, Disney requested that all the princesses have at least one session and I am nothing if not obedient. Also, this is right after my morning tennis and right before my Olympic beach volleyball workout.
Doctor: Oh, so you're on the Olympic team?
Mulan: Yes. And actually I need to leave now, so thank you doctor, I'll be going.
Doctor: Come again!
Note: Disney sent me a file on Mulan but it was about the size of all seven Harry Potter books and the spinoffs so I left it alone.
Session 12Group Therapy
Special Guest: Mrs. Addams- I am still unclear as to why she showed up
Snow White: Normally I would bring my kids to the zoo, but I guess it's nice to go alone sometimes. They hate it when I talk to small mammals and deer.
Pocahontas: I'm glad I don't have any to take care of, I still talk to trees and raccoons at every opportunity.
Morticia: I couldn't help overhearing your conversation, is it possible that animals can commune on a deeper level than we suppose? I own a kitty myself, it's very familiar but sometimes I feel she doesn't listen.
Snow White: Cats can be difficult that way, it's why they rarely show up in Disney movies. They're too stand-offish to come and play. Bunnies, on the other hand-
Pocahontas: Make great companions, and great stew. I used to converse with a rabbit called Playboy
Snow White: Isn't it hard to kick the habit?
Pocahontas: Not if you make it into rabbit stew.
Snow White: That would have certainly frightened my children! Are you certain you want to raise them that way.
Belle: Pocahontas, I forgot you haven't had any children yet! A bit of helpful advice- don't imagine anything about what they'll look like, it's just a bad idea…
Snow White: Children are adorable!
Belle: Yours are, I won't vouch for any I might have.
Doctor's note: Group therapy is one of my greatest challenges. I should go fetch a blow up costume of a shoe to attract Cinderella's attention, then when I have her attention I can explode and get everyone's attention… wait.
Snow White: Your husband is so attractive, and you are so beautiful, how could you not have beautiful children?
Belle: We're afraid that the curse might affect our children, you know my husband was a beast for quite a few years.
Pocahontas: Children are vital to the health of the tribe… I mean, society. No matter what they look like.
Morticia: Have you tried a witch doctor yet? They've worked wonders with my children.
Snow White: Uh…We're leaving out poor Jasmine. Jasmine! What do you think about it?
Jasmine: Children are the cutest things, I can't wait to have my own!
Belle: That's right! You and Aladdin just got married! It's more work than they say it is, isn't it?
Jasmine: Yes, a bit.
Pocahontas: That's why at the end of your publicized fairy tales it says "Happily Ever After" instead of "Ever After trying to achieve marital bliss while juggling commitments and children like a Hindu goddess with 16 arms"
Belle: Sigh. That is the quandary of the modern woman.
Morticia: I can identify with your exquisite pain, Belle. I am also just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. It's just, I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.
Belle: Wait, what?
Doctor: Mrs. Addams, I thought you had a private witch doctor, why are you here?
Morticia: To observe suffering and the torment of the soul. It's one of the greatest pleasures in life.
Doctor: Maybe I could work you in for next Tuesday…
Morticia: I have an extra electric chair up in the children's playroom, if you would like to borrow it
Doctor: I think you misunderstand what I do as a therapist
Morticia: Don't you amplify torment for your own personal gain at the expense of the patient under the delusion that everything will be better when it's over?
Doctor: In a manner of speaking…
Morticia: It's the same!
Doctor: I can pay you $500 out of my pocket if you'll leave now
Morticia: Oh no doctor, unlike you, my services are free.*to the princesses* Come by anytime for some brew! *gets up to leave*
Jasmine: Wait, are you a witch?
Morticia: I used to be an angel, before my wings were torn off. I still fly, just on a broomstick. I'm flexible that way.
She leaves.
Doctor: Thank heavens! That could have been disastrous.
Snow White: Where did Jasmine go?
Note: After the fiasco of the tiger escape at the zoo I decided never to host a therapy session there again. Soon after Pocahontas singlehandedly pinned the first tiger to the ground and lit a gasoline line of fire to hem in the rest of the tigers the zoo kindly asked us never to return and we settled it out of court when instead of writing my own account number on the fine for repair I wrote Disney's account number.
For Future Reference: I'm still uncertain as to where she got the tomahawk but I'm pretty sure it's not the only weapon under that deerskin. Taking the bow away means nothing.
Session 13.Pocahontas
Doctor: Pocahontas! I wasn't aware you were schedules for today.
Pocahontas: I am.
Doctor: Well shall we begin? Do you have any thoughts to get out of the way beforehand?
Pocahontas: My people just accepted 2 and a half billion dollars from the American government, further selling themselves to slavery and indolence. There has to be a better way. There just has to be.
Doctor: Doesn't welfare assist them?
Pocahontas: The government builds homes for my people, makes programs to encourage the young to go to college with more funds from America's citizens, fences their land and pays to use our highways. Our own buildings, our own pride, have fallen into disrepute.
Doctor: I still don't understand.
Pocahontas: Have you studied American history recently? Particularly pertaining to Indians.
Doctor: No.
Pocahontas: There is much sensitivity to how we feel, what we need, but with other people trying to take care of us they took away our freedom. Tell me, would you like to live on welfare?
Doctor: It isn't much to live on
Pocahontas: That is not my point. Imagine being given a gift over and over. You appreciate it. Imagine your child growing up expecting that same gift, depending on it. And then the federal government falls and they starve.
Doctor: That's hardly likely
Pocahontas: Assuming that a possibility is impossible creates a vulnerability. It's close-minded and oftentimes what destroys you. This culture of receiving handouts to live disgusts me. My people used to roam the frontiers of America, living as independent tribes with our own laws, our own customs, our own beliefs. And all on our own. Now to live that way we beg for scraps from the table of revenue in order to live. I find it to be the highest insult to the self-reliance of mankind and the greatest dishonor to befall anyone.
Doctor: But some of your people need the welfare!
Pocahontas: Yes. But think of it this way- this subsidy assumes that all of my people require it in order to measure up to the American way of living. They have created with these minority laws a hint that in order to be as good as a Caucasian we need extra help. I don't believe it. I believe that with hard work and motivation any one of my people could achieve those same results and if they can't, I believe that the people around them should help them to achieve the best they can- not an over-reaching socialistic policy from a Federal giant.
Doctor: Oh.
Pocahontas: Time is almost out.
Doctor: Oh yes, I just remembered what I needed to discuss with you today, I hate to end a session this way, but Disney wants you in custody.
Pocahontas: No.
Doctor: They own all your assets! You have to listen to them
Pocahontas: It's not my assets they own. I grant them the license to use my image and I can retract it at any time. The power they have over me is the legal problem of carrying concealed weapons. So, can they prove it was me that set that fire yesterday?
Doctor: No, the camera was mysteriously smashed.
Pocahontas: Tomahawks, you gotta love them.
Doctor: Still…
Pocahontas: There isn't any evidence here except the word of a doctor who embezzles and prescribes needlessly expensive treatments for his patients as well as referrals found in his own desk leading to other mal-practitioners who benefit from his own personal scam chain.
She reaches into her deerskin bag and throws down several volumes onto his desk. She stands up out of her chair, leans in close, puts her hands on his desk, and speaks forecfully
Pocahontas: You try to lock me up needlessly one more time, and I will expose you.
Doctor: Is this blackmail?
Pocahontas: No. I'm going to give all my evidence to the police no matter what because I obey the laws of my country. The question here is- when? And, are you going to go straight?
Doctor: I think that concludes our session for today, please leave. Your next session will be with the group.
Note- That is the most dangerous woman I have ever encountered. Nothing will persuade her to break her own moral conviction and I know it from her Disney file, money, public shame, threat of incarceration, nothing will persuade her. These are the kinds of people who seem small to the world but are the ones who stand in front of tanks for everyone else.
Session 14.Princess Ana
Ana: Oh hello Doctor! I just got back from a quick trip to Norway.
Doctor: You are looking very well, did you enjoy yourself?
Ana: Yes! But something happened that I'm very concerned about.
Doctor: I'm here to listen.
Ana: Christoff… He…
Doctor: Yes?
Ana: He kissed me in front of Elsa and I got the worst lecture! She said that unless Christoff and I were going to get married soon and possibly not even then I should never publically display our affection, she said it was a "sign of insecurity and an unbecoming lack of restraint"! But what was I supposed to do? What if I say no to Christoff and he leaves me for someone else?
Note- If I knew any relationship therapists that could actually help Ana I'd refer her to them but after paying off my last Lexus I need more income. Plus her situation is more of a silly teenage angst she's going to grow out of so I don't feel guilty. I can't get Pocahontas out of my mind since yesterday- it's like a psychosis. What if I'm losing myself to morality with my money? Will I have to give up my Ralph Lauren originals and live on the street? What a frightening thought!
Doctor: Is Elsa your legal guardian?
Ana: No, she's just my older sister. And the queen.
Doctor: Listen to her. Next time don't kiss Christoff in public, be polite to those around you.
Ana: You mean we have to go somewhere private where no one's watching? Isn't that romantic!
Doctor: Yes. Isn't it?
Ana: I'm waiting for him to propose, we went to a ball in Norway for a Disney promotional ball and I expected him to propose then but he didn't!
Doctor: And this is a problem why?
Ana: I need commitment from my man, a sense of duty, maturity!
Doctor: So you need what you lack?
Ana: Exactly!
A call comes through on the loudspeaker
Doctor: I am so sorry, Disney is calling, I have to answer.
He walks into the next room, leaving Ana alone in his office.
Doctor: Hello?
Disney: Is this Doctor Tax-Fattened-Hyena?
Doctor: Yes.
Disney: We have an emergency. Giselle requested a platinum version of Enchanted
Doctor: Oh dear. Why is that?
Disney: That's why we called you first, she's too happy with her life. We can't market her as a modern woman because she lives in a fantasy world, the only happily ever after staged in reality! Parents are complaining at the insinuation and we have had protests from critics for it!
Doctor: I thought you didn't respond to Rotten Tomatoes…
Disney: Normally, no. But did you notice that when Obama ran for president we created an African-American princess? We cater to the public because the public comes to Disney for fairy tales. We are the monopoly. If we don't stay right on with the public it is possible, feasibly, that someone might actually compete with us.
Doctor: I see. So does Giselle need therapy?
Disney: No. We already sent a request, we need to rehabilitate every Disney prince to maintain our image. Prince Edward was second only to Christoff, who is not even an official prince until Ana marries him- which we're still waiting on. Mind the request. Respond by December, it's when we unleash the next big thing.
Doctor: You can rely on me! Do you remember which bank account to send the money to?
Disney: Click.
He returns to his office.
Doctor: So sorry Ana,I believe all our time for today is up. Here's a .04% coupon off for our next session!