Queen Elsa
Doctor: Why Queen Elsa, what a profitable surprise!
Elsa: Freudian slip, doctor?
Doctor: Why no. As you can see, I am wearing a perfectly respectable Burberry coat.
Elsa: Was that a joke?
Doctor: Yeeess? So Queen Elsa, why are you here?
Elsa: Before I say anything you should know that unlike my sister I am not crazy, this is not any bleeding heart marry-a-man-I-just-met issue.
Doctor: That's a relief. Your sister already exceeded the limit for relationship advice, I am backed up for at least a month.
Elsa: Oh. So you want to reschedule?
Doctor: (dollar signs flash before his eyes) NO! No. Today is wonderful.
Elsa:…
Doctor: So back to the point, why did you apply for the Disney Princess Rehabilitation program?
Elsa: I went on a blind date yesterday.
Doctor raises his eyebrows
Elsa: With Justin Bieber.
Doctor: How could that have been a blind date? He is a famous celebrity.
Elsa: The point is that I am very disturbed.
Doctor: Wait. (he reaches down and switches the recorder to surround sound quality)
Note- for my press.
Doctor: Now, by all means increase my salary- I mean- tell your story.
Elsa: Ahem. After his parole officer let him out of his collar we went out to dinner and karaoke. Everything seemed fine. He was charming, he checked out every woman in the place, he was a fabulous dancer, and then…
Doctor: What, what?!
Elsa: Ka-ra-o-ke. (she pronounces this like a Japanese person because she can speak Japanese)
Doctor: ANNNDD?
Elsa: My song. My song came up. And apparently turning Justin Bieber into a Biebsicle and shoving him off the stage has the unintended effect of all the townspeople coming to pat you on the back and offer you money.
Doctor: Was that wrong?
Elsa: I didn't mean to turn him into an ice cube! Everyone would be safer if I just didn't date.
Doctor: I'm sorry your date didn't go well. I have some advice for you, so stop crying icicles for just a moment, and I'll write your prescription. Ready? Here it is.
*1) Do not date Justin Bieber. 2) If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Sign up for another therapy session and we will work specifically on your issues*
Elsa: I won't have any problems with number 1. I haven't melted him yet.
Doctor: smiles. You've done us all a great service. My secretary will show you out.
Elsa: Thank you, Doctor.
Session 16.Mulan
Mulan: Doctor, why have you called for emergency therapy? We were about to win the Olympics and then we get this call and guess what, I had to abandon my teammates and come over.
Doctor: I am truly sorry, but I found something in your file that requires immediate attention.
Mulan: Tell me what it is.
Doctor: Two major problems have come up. 1) You are politically active.
Mulan: Move on.
Doctor: We will deal with that later then! 2) You are not an official princess of Disney, by name only, not blood.
Mulan: This is a problem, why?
Doctor: Disney is using you as their Oriental token for their Princesses of the World Campaign, do you feel there are any stereotypes in your movie that need removal?
Mulan: You must be employing sarcasm.
Doctor: I am completely serious. In today's society, which is better than yesterday's society, we cannot use any racial stereotype. It's incorrect.
Mulan: I feel you are lacking wisdom in this area, and don't really understand what you're talking about.
Doctor: Please explain.
Mulan: As long as we continue to call each other "Black" "White" "Asian" "Hispanic"; even with these politically correct terms we continue to discriminate. From keeping careful track of who is what and what country performs better- based on ethnicity and cultural background- racism will never fall. Before being what people call "Chinese" I am first and foremost a person and myself, and shoving that aspect of my autonomy aside to bow before the idol of tolerance does not appeal to me.
Doctor: But the children need to recognize cultural differences and be kind to all kinds of cultures! This is to teach them tolerance, surely you support the fact that you can have a Chinese princess. Unlike earlier times when a colored Disney princess would have been unacceptable.
Mulan: Is your name "white"? Is my name "Chinese"? Does color matter as much as character? Am I a statistic on a piece of paper? A figurehead to a cultural ideal of equality? And besides- racism is a learned behavior. Children don't care and neither do I. I don't care at all who is what color. I don't even see it.
Doctor: Do you mind if I send a recording of this to Disney for evaluation?
Mulan: Would I have said it if I hadn't known you would do that?
Doctor: Well I think we should leave it here for today, if you don't mind.
Mulan: I don't mind. Xie4xie, Doctor.
She smiles and leaves. Doctor Tax-fattened-hyena flips off the recording device and walks over to his window to look out on the city.
Many people tend to think that I am not a clever man, he thought to himself, but I know something they don't. One person in the right place at the right time can change the whole world in an instant. And Disney has women walking around who are headed to the right place to do just that.
Session 17. MeridaDoctor: Why hello Princess Merida!
Merida: Do you have to use my title? *chomping on gum*
Doctor: No weapons on the table!
Merida: What's wrong with ye? It's not even my bow. It's one I "borrowed" from Wee Dingwall, the wee lamb never did learn how to fire an arrow on purpose.
Doctor: Uh, Merida, do you mind setting the bow down on the floor?
Merida: Oh, it's no problem, doctor. *she sets the bow down*
Doctor: I've been looking at your file, apparently you're a stuntwoman?
Merida: Aye. That'd be about right. My last job was in Lucy
Doctor: *how did they get that hair to look like Lucy?* Ah. I heard that movie was rather a success.
Merida: Course it was. It had a lot of action
Doctor: Right… So according to your file you're also one of the single princesses?
Merida: That'd be 'bout right. No man's bested me yet!
Doctor: No, I mean you aren't married! Not anything about the battlefield.
Merida: *considers it* No man's bested me yet.
Doctor: We have got a long way to go. So what is the issue, is it Disney pressuring you into a marriage again?
Merida: Last time that happened, they tried to set me up with Prince Naveen's cousin. What was I supposed to do?
Doctor: Was that when you sucker-punched Prince Naveen and his head deflated?
Merida: If I'd hadn't have done that, he'd never have proposed to Princess Tiana! Someone had to.
Doctor: Ahem. Personal feelings aside on that topic, have you been in contact with any of the suitors you met for your movie?
Merida: Mouth hanging open You sure have a way with women, has anyone ever told you that lie before?
Doctor: Why thank you. Yes, I've heard it often.
Merida: Anyways, Doctor person, what I really came to say is that I don't want therapy
Doctor: You don't?
Merida: I don't. My problem is bein' away from home too long. I miss my horse, I miss my bow, I miss my mum. I miss my dad.
Doctor: What about your brothers?
Merida: Them I could do without for a wee bit longer.
Doctor: Hem. Hem. Your charming brothers.
Merida: If ye took a look at my file ye'd see that I am not permitted to go back to my homeland unless I get married, which makes no sense! I'm a citizen by birth, not someone's property to be told what to do and where to go.
Doctor: You miss your homeland?
Merida: Every day.
Doctor: Do you have friends here?
Merida: One. Her name is Aine.
Doctor: Wait. Is Disney doing a sequel from that?
Merida: I doubt it. One movie was good enough for me and it had better be good enough for them.
Doctor: You prefer the quiet life?
Merida: A practical life. Some friends. My horse. My family. Maybe someday a marriage of my choice. I feel no need to be one of those modern corporate women.
Doctor: And your work as a stuntwoman? How does that tie in to the practical life?
Merida: I do it for the same reason as every other actor. I have to eat something!
Doctor: I can draft a proposition to Disney for a request to lift the block on your passport but it may have to wait until after Christmas.
Merida: Thank ye, doctor.
Doctor: And because I can't get that much- I mean, because your account is so small with Disney I'll send the bill to your parents.
Merida: I know your sort. You know I won't come back unless they make me?
Doctor: I understand perfectly.
Merida picks up the bow and walks out.
Doctor adds a section to his essay on the psychological dangers of carrying concealed weapons.
Session 18.
Tiana