"forever is a long time (but i wouldn't mind spending it by your side)"
A/N: For the record, I've not proofread this chapter because I'm tired. I literally just finished it and it's going up because I haven't updated in two months. I'll probably come back and edit any mistakes later, but for now, y'all get this.
Songs: Stupid by Brendan Maclean, I Wouldn't Mind by He Is We, Like Real People Do by Hozier, Toy Soldiers by Marianas Trench, Love Like Woe by The Ready Set, About Love by MARINA, It Was Always You by Maroon 5, Ophelia by The Lumineers, and Woke The Fuck Up by Jon Bellion.
The first thought to enter Rook's head when he woke up was, "I am an idiot."
The second thought was much more frustrated: "I am a fucking idiot!"
In hindsight, his feelings were obvious. So obvious, in fact, that Rook was filled to the brim with second hand embarrassment at his own actions. He rolled over in bed and buried his face in his pillow with a groan. It was either that or start banging his head into the wall.
Fuck, it was so obvious! The hints he'd gotten from Gwendolyn and Kevin, the knowing looks from Ben's parents, the care he put into his outfit, the flowers, making Ben breakfast, staring at his face and his body… The thought of all of the staring, especially, filled Rook with heat and he flushed beneath his fur. Now was definitely not the time to be thinking about Ben's midriff.
Even Ben had figured it out before Rook had. No wonder his partner had been so uncomfortable around him these last few days. Rook's feelings had only been getting more and more obvious, and Ben—
Ben wasn't into men, Rook didn't think. Or, hell, maybe he was. It wasn't like Rook would have noticed, seeing as how he didn't even realize that he was into men until it hit him like a bus. But regardless. Sexual orientation was one thing — Ben had a girlfriend, and that was another entirely.
Rook had a girlfriend, too. Thoughts of Rayona came to him and Rook grimaced. He had no idea where his feelings had come from. Growing up, Rook had rarely been interested in anyone, regardless of sex, but Rayona was different. She'd been his longest friend, and she was very pretty. Rook cared deeply for her and appreciated her place in his life. So when she started to officially court him, Rook hadn't seen any reason to refuse. Being with her made him happy.
Still, there had been times working on the farm where Rook's gaze would stray to others. Young men and women, his age or sometimes a few years older. He'd thought it normal, that he was just appreciating their hard work. Looking back, thinking about how his younger self innocently stared at bulging muscles and sweat-soaked fur, Rook let out an involuntary groan.
He sat up abruptly and clapped himself on the face to try and clear his thoughts. Okay! Men were one thing. Rook could accept that. Calloused hands and sun-worn fur wasn't gendered. That was normal for everyone on Revonnah. But Ben very clearly lacked fur, and pointed ears, and sharp teeth, and claws, and he wasn't particularly muscular, either.
So what the hell about Ben could Rook possibly be attracted to? There was something sort of alluring about smooth skin, Rook had to admit. On his planet, being shaved was mostly done as a political statement and it was frowned-upon. Especially in Rook's village. Alright, so maybe there was a little thrill to the stigma, like Rook knew that he was doing something wrong. And Revonnahgander fur tended to be coarse, so the texture difference was appealing. The lack of fur also allowed Rook to see Ben's features more clearly. Like his smile or his upturned nose or the curve of his jaw that would fit so nicely in the palm of Rook's hand…
With a noise of frustration, Rook got to his feet and began to pace furiously. Actually, now that he thought about it, what didn't he like about Ben's appearance? Ben was at the perfect height — even shorter than Rayona, which was ideal for holding him. His hair was far softer than any fur Rook had ever touched, and although plain in color, was always tousled in a way that made Rook long to run his fingers through it and the shade complimented the color of his eyes. And oh, God, Ben's eyes. Rook wasn't even sure how that shade of green could be natural. It was just about the prettiest thing he'd ever seen. Sure, Ben wasn't overly muscular either, not like Kevin, but he kept himself in shape. He was lithe and bordering on toned, with firm arms. Watching him play soccer, Rook had noticed before Ben's sharp reflexes, and his stamina. Ben was normally well-covered, but Rook could imagine what his calf muscles would look like, or how it might feel to run a hand down his chest and abdomen—
That time, Rook really did bang his head against the wall. "No, not going there," he murmured to himself, hands clasped over his ears as if that might keep "those sorts" of thoughts away.
Rarely, if ever, did Rook even think about Rayona in such compromising positions. And she was his girlfriend! He wasn't married to her, and he certainly wasn't married to Ben. It wasn't Rook's place to imagine his partner like that. Never mind that Rook didn't have the faintest clue what human anatomy was like, so his fantasies wouldn't have been accurate. Assuming, of course, that Rook had any fantasies. Which he absolutely did not.
(Married to Ben, though… Now that was a nice thought.)
The more Rook let himself think about it, the harder it became to come up with a reason why he wouldn't be in love with Ben. There was plenty to like. Ben was charismatic, friendly, easy to talk to, hardworking, passionate about his ideals, and just such a good person that Rook had a hard time believing, when they first met, that Ben was even a real person.
The first few weeks of their friendship, once Rook had realized that his textbooks had over embellished Ben, he'd been waiting for Ben to slip up. To let the cracks in his heroic facade form. Rook waited for anything, the smallest sign. He expected Ben to litter, or say something about the fame and the money, or to brush off his responsibilities as "not important enough" for "the savior of the universe."
And Ben bragged, certainly. He had every right to brag, though, considering the feats he'd managed. He bragged about himself, but also about his friends and family. At some point, Rook had stopped expecting Ben to turn into a jerk and accepted that he could be a hero, and also sometimes be egotistical or sloppy or come across as rude. Just like any other teenager.
He was just a normal person. And sometimes after Rook had realized that, he'd fallen in love. He couldn't even place where, or why. It felt like one of those feelings that just sank in bit by bit. The culmination of everything they'd been through together had led here, to this.
Rook was in love. Head over heels. Absolutely smitten. He was enchanted by Ben, and it wasn't at all difficult for him to accept.
Actually, it sort of felt like a relief. Finally, things made sense. Of course he was in love with Ben. Who else would Rook be in love with, if not him? It felt like the only logical conclusion.
Okay. Now what?
It wasn't like Rook could act on his feelings. Ben had a girlfriend and, even if he didn't, he didn't seem interested in Rook, either. His reaction thus far had been flattered, but put-off. And even if Rook did make a move and, by some miracle, Ben returned his feelings, it wasn't like it would matter. Everything would be gone the next day, like it had never even happened. As usual.
He deflated. As with everything else, it didn't matter what Rook did. He couldn't change anything. Oh, sure, it might feel good for him if he flirted with Ben, but relationships couldn't be one-sided. Looking back on all of the ways that Ben had been pulling away and trying to put up boundaries with him the last few days made Rook cringe. Ben had been uncomfortable the whole time. He'd noticed how Rook felt, and…
And he didn't feel the same. Clearly.
At a loss for anything else to do, Rook decided to shower and get dressed. It gave his hands something to do, so he took great care lathering and drying his hair before pulling on the Proto-Armor. The idea of going to get normal clothes wasn't appealing to Rook. It wasn't like it mattered. He had just been doing it to impress Ben, and Ben hadn't been impressed.
Out of habit at this point, once Rook was dressed and equipped (grabbing the Proto-Tool only because he'd happened to spot it out of the corner of his eye), he went to ask Magister Tennyson for the day off. It played out the same way that it had the last few times Rook had asked. So he'd succeeded in keeping Ben away from that fire for yet another day, which was starting to feel more like an afterthought than the tragedy it had been when it first happened.
(Rook knew that his desensitization was only because it wasn't a current problem, though. Every time Ben died, the experience was exactly as raw and painful as it always had been.)
With at least another hour until he could leave for Ben's house, Rook went to the cafeteria. He thought about doing his normal work out, but it didn't seem appealing. Instead of his normal, light breakfast, he got the full meal and didn't eat it. Rook tried to, sitting at the back of the cafeteria and prodding his purple sludge, but he wasn't hungry.
He eyed everyone else in the cafeteria from his solitary position and realized, somewhat belatedly, that he was alone. Which was the intention, obviously, but something else about it bothered Rook. He frowned at his food and tried to come up with a reason why, if only for something else to think about.
Every day, Rook ate breakfast alone. Why did it bother him this time?
The answer came to him after twenty minutes of staring, unmoved, at his food. Rook had never seen the cafeteria this full. Normally, he came in early and got a protein bar that he could eat on the way, specifically so that he didn't have to linger. He spent every day of his life avoiding socializing unless necessary. At the Academy, he'd made friends only with the cadets he'd been partnered with. Every person in the building was a co-worker of Rook's, but he didn't know more than a handful of them. He didn't even know the person in the room next to his.
He knew why. Because none of them had been deemed important. Rook had only cared about becoming a Plumber, and then he'd only cared about being Ben 10's partner, and now he only really cared about Ben, period. Hell, Ben probably knew more people in the base than Rook did, and Ben was only here maybe once every two weeks.
Eight months stationed here and Rook didn't know the first thing about any of them.
He couldn't decide if it was a bad thing or not. If Rook didn't care about making friends, then the lack of socialization shouldn't have bothered him. But maybe it should. Maybe he was putting too much time into only one thing. Now that he was thinking about it, Rook didn't really have a life outside of Ben, did he? He had Revonnah, but he only went there once or twice a year. Sometimes he texted Gwendolyn or hung out with Kevin, but those relationships were also something that he could attribute to Ben. Rook didn't even have any hobbies, really.
With a frown, Rook got up and dumped out his mostly-untouched breakfast. Fuck it. He could stand to be a little early to Ben's house.
It was seven o'clock on the dot when Rook finally meandered his way through Bellwood's early-morning traffic and parked the TRUK outside of the Tennyson residence. Which gave him fifteen minutes to sit there and wait.
Meanwhile, Rook was pretty sure that he knew Ben's schedule better than his own by this point. Wake up, shower (which Rook refused to think about), get dressed in the same outfit he wore everyday, style his hair, forget to eat (which Ben also did everyday), and then come out to start their patrol. He sort of wished that he'd remembered to get the things that he needed to make Ben breakfast. Rook was starting to wonder if maybe he could perfect the recipe for waffles with enough practice, the way that things kept repeating.
He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice Ben leaving his house until the TRUK's door was yanked open. "Catch," Ben said cheerfully, tossing Rook an apple as he slid into the passenger seat. "Mom's on a fruit juice cleanse this week. You have no idea what I had to go through to wrestle that away from her without having to send it through the blender first."
Rook caught the apple without thinking. He was really starting to hate apples. And the color red. So much red…
He placed it in his cup holder, the thought of eating it making Rook's stomach churn. "We do not have to do patrol today," Rook said without looking at Ben. "I got us the day off."
"The day off?" Ben laughed. "And that's what you wear on a day off? Maybe we should go to the mall and see if they've got anything that fits your long arms."
Now that he mentioned it, Rook had noticed that the clothes he bought from human stores never reached his ankles or wrists. Huh. With all that was going on, getting a proper fit must have slipped his mind.
"I do not…" Rook started, then blinked. "Actually, I do not have any plans for today," he admitted. "We can go to the mall if that is what you want to do."
Ben pretended to think about it, head cocked in a way that was entirely too adorable. "Well, first things first, we gotta stop by Mr. Smoothie's. I do my best thinking on a full stomach, you know." He winked at Rook. "Although, maybe we should go shopping. I still have some Christmas gifts I need to hunt down and I wanna get something from Undertown for Gwen's birthday. I noticed this magic booth the last time that I was down there, and I don't know if they're legit, but I bet she'd like some magical alien shit anyway."
While Ben kept up a one-sided conversation all on his own, Rook focused on driving. He nodded or hummed sometimes, occasionally speaking in one-sentence fragments when Ben prompted him to, but mostly stayed out of it. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing, now that he'd accepted his feelings for Ben. Did he just say nothing? It wasn't like he could do anything about it.
Not to mention, Rook had a girlfriend. Ben wasn't the only one in a relationship. Although his feelings for Rayona felt more trivial by the day, Rook had enough respect for both himself and Rayona to not cheat on her. He ought to break up with her honestly, in-person. A quick tesser burst wasn't going to cut it. It wasn't her fault that Rook wasn't in love with her.
"Uh, hello?" Ben waved a hand in front of Rook's face, startling him out of his thoughts. "Ground Control to Major Tom? Anyone in there?"
Rook blinked. At some point while he wasn't paying attention, he'd parked outside of Mr. Smoothie's. He reached over and turned the engine off. "I apologize," he said reflexively. "How long was I zoning out?"
"I think about the entire drive." Ben laughed in an attempt to smooth out the awkward atmosphere. It didn't work. "Is everything alright, Rook? You've been kind of spacey today. You can talk to me if you want," he offered.
"That is alright." Rook shook his head and reached to unbuckle himself, only to realize that he hadn't buckled his seatbelt to begin with. Maybe he ought to be trying harder to stay focused. He climbed out of the TRUK anyway. "We ought to just get something to drink. I think that a smoothie will help me wake up."
Ben looked far from convinced, but he must not have been concerned enough to start a fight over it in a parking lot, because he nodded and similarly exited the TRUK. "Sure thing, dude," he agreed, walking up to Rook with his hands in his jacket pockets. "You want the usual? I'll buy."
Even though Rook still wasn't hungry, he let Ben go up to order for them and took his usual spot at their table. This early in the morning, in winter, Mr. Smoothie's wasn't busy. Not by a long shot. There was only one other person at the plastic tables and she looked like she was almost done and ready to leave, anyway.
While Ben was gone, Rook tried to stay present. He watched the cars on the street pass them by and counted them, organizing by color. It was enough to keep his thoughts from drifting until Ben slid into the seat across from him and pushed Rook's strawberry smoothie across the table.
"What did you get?" Rook asked, more out of respect for their usual ritual than any real interest. He sucked on his smoothie and it settled like cement in his gut.
"Oh, you know." Ben shrugged. "Same thing as you. Wasn't really feeling anything too exciting today."
Rook wasn't sure what to say about that. He bit his lip, unsure, then tried. "If my unusual mood is rubbing off on you, then I apologize. That was not my intention."
That must have been the wrong answer, because Ben paused mid-sip. He looked torn between how to reply for a few tense seconds. Ben shook his head. "No need to apologize, Rook, it's not your fault," he muttered. "... But you admit that you're in a weird mood today?"
Fuck. Rook pursed his lips. "Yes," he admitted carefully. He thought for a moment about how to describe this without giving too much away. "It is nothing for you to worry about. I have merely been thinking about my relationship and it seems that it has gotten away from me."
At the very least, Ben returned to drinking his smoothie, so that must have satisfied him. "What, you mean Rayona?" Ben smiled. "What's there to think about? You two are, like, the textbook definition of a perfect couple." He faltered. "I mean, uh, unless you don't want to be? A couple, that is."
"That is the problem." Rook started playing with his straw, shaking it back and forth in his cup to avoid looking at Ben. Now that he was talking, it was easier to keep at it. He'd missed this — just speaking openly to Ben. It seemed like he hadn't been doing a lot of that recently. "I am not sure. Rayona has many admirable qualities, and for a time, she was my best and only friend. Things have changed since we aged." He paused. "And I am beginning to think that I have feelings for someone else," Rook admitted.
It felt good to get that off of his chest and say it outloud. It wasn't the entire truth — not when Rook knew that he was head-over-heels for the wrong person — but it was at least mostly honest.
Despite his lack of details, Ben grinned. "Rook, you sly dog," he teased. "So, who's the lucky girl? Anyone I know?" He wiggled his eyebrows. "Don't tell me it's Fistina?"
Rook made a face, nose scrunched up in distaste. "Absolutely not," he said flatly. It made Ben laugh and, considering how serious he had been earlier, seeing him look so happy was a welcome change. Rook found himself smiling, too. He couldn't help it — Ben's laugh was both beautiful and infectious. "As for the mysterious identity of the individual holding my affections, I would prefer not to disclose. I am still trying to sort through it myself."
Though still chuckling, Ben held his hands up in surrender. "Alright, say no more. I get it. Dating can be complicated." He pulled the straw out of his cup to suck out the smoothie that had gotten stuck toward the bottom. "Are you going to break it off with Rayona? I mean, it's only fair to her, isn't it? That you're honest about your feelings?" He suggested. It was a bit difficult to take Ben seriously when he was dripping strawberry smoothie onto the table, but his advice was sound.
"I suppose I should." Rook sighed. "Obviously, you are right. Rayona is a good friend and does not deserve to waste her time in a relationship that will make neither of us happy. But I would prefer to do it in person, and the timing is…" He grimaced.
Ben hummed sympathetically. "Long flight?" He guessed, and Rook nodded. "Well, hey, look on the bright side. You seem to have things figured out. So maybe you can stop worrying so much about what you're going to do. Rayona's nice. I think she'll understand."
Giving him a tired smile, Rook shook his head. "It is not Rayona's reaction that concerns me," he said. His expression tightened. He could only imagine the way Ben might look at him if he knew who Rook had developed feelings for. The thought of that concerned look melting into one of disgust or discomfort made Rook's stomach churn.
"Oh, yeah. I can see how that'd be stressful." Ben stood up and tossed his empty cup underhand into the nearest trash bin. He turned back to Rook with one hand on his cocked hip, the other cupping his chin thoughtfully. Rook's gaze traced the curve of Ben's waist as he did so and tried not to think about what it might feel like to set his hand against that shallow dip. "Uh… Well, how about this." Ben suddenly perked up and Rook forcibly dragged his stare back up to a respectable eye-level. Thankfully, Ben didn't seem to notice. "You said that you're not really sure about your feelings, so why don't we get it off your mind? Work some of that stress out?" He snorted. "Too bad it doesn't snow here. It's December — perfect season for a snowball fight."
Remembering the spot that he took Ben to the day before, Rook tried, "Actually—" He was cut off.
"I got it!" Snapping his fingers, Ben pointed at Rook triumphantly. "You're always trying to get me to spar with you. Well, we don't have to go on patrol today, so we might as well make sure we're not getting rusty. What do you think? Feel like a little one-on-one?" He waggled his eyebrows.
Again, Rook found himself thinking about Ben's hips. The kind of one-on-one that he was interested in had very little to do with a working environment. He tried to banish the thought, but thinking about wrestling with Ben and getting to admire the way that his muscles shifted up-close wasn't helping, either. Revonnahganders were always covered in fur, so Rook never really got to ogle someone the way that he could ogle Ben. He was wearing short-sleeves under that jacket. Rook had never thought of an article of clothing as "obscene" before, but he narrowed his eyes at Ben's clothed forearms and felt cheated.
Which was ridiculous because he had no claim to Ben. Even if they were dating, it would be entirely inappropriate to… At any rate, Rook was so glad that Ben couldn't see how flushed his face was. And that he hadn't said any of that out loud.
"You want to spar with me?" Rook echoed, just to make sure that the topic hadn't changed in the time that he'd spent spacing out. Memories of being pinned to the wall in three seconds by Humungasaur's index finger made Rook frown. "Not that I do not appreciate the offer, Ben, but—"
Ben rolled his eyes. "I know. If it means that much to do, I promise not to use the Omnitrix." He made a crossing motion over his heart with two fingers. Whatever that was supposed to mean.
Rook raised an eyebrow. Despite his initial refusal, he felt a smile creeping up onto his face, unable to help the hope swelling in his chest. "You are serious?"
"As a heart attack," Ben confirmed. He grinned. "C'mon, you're always talking about how I don't practice on my own enough. What happened to all of those cool alien fighting moves you said you could teach me? What are you — chicken? Scared you'll lose?" He goaded.
It wasn't subtle, not by a long shot, but it didn't need to be. All thoughts of getting Ben hot and sweaty aside, Rook felt a familiar surge of competitiveness race through him. Like the past two weeks hadn't happened, nothing had changed, and they were still just best friends.
Ha. If only.
But, for an hour or two, Rook could let himself believe it. He took a sip from his smoothie just to have something in his stomach and tossed it overhand toward the trash bin. It sank it neatly as Rook climbed to his feet. "You are on," he taunted.
The ride to Plumber HQ was filled with laughter and barbs. It was friendly and easy, the same way that everything with Ben was. It was almost enough for Rook to convince himself that he could do this. He could swallow his feelings, and everything would be fine, and they would have a lovely day together as friends.
And then Ben shrugged off his jacket, tossing it aside without a care in the world, and grinned impishly at Rook over his shoulder. "You sure you wanna fight me?" He asked, voice low. "No one will blame you for wanting to back out before it gets ugly, Rook."
Admitting one's flaws was the key to self-improvement, and Rook was willing to admit: he was weak. He felt his stomach doing flips and, rather than blushing, he felt heat pooling much lower than his face. The sight of Ben bursting out laughing, unable to take himself seriously while "in character," did little to relieve the problem.
He had miscalculated; overestimated himself. Rook was not nearly strong enough to handle the things that Ben was doing to him.
It was too late to back out. Not without inviting more questions, anyway. Instead, Rook crouched into a standard starting position that he'd learned while studying Revonnah Kai. "Not to insinuate that you are incapable of holding your own, but if you are not using the Omnitrix, then I believe that my chances of winning this altercation are fairly high," Rook said.
Ben huffed. "You suck at trash talk, dude. Whatever." He made a show out of stretching his arms and legs, rolling his neck, and cracking his knuckles before dropping into a battle pose that he'd probably learned from a video game. Nevertheless, Ben grinned. "Let's do this."
Fuck. Rook wanted to kiss him.
Their first round went about as expected: meaning, Rook won. As he'd anticipated. He knew that he had more experience fighting hand-to-hand than Ben did, although that didn't necessarily translate into talent. Actually, the lack of formal training seemed to work in Ben's favor. Their second and third rounds blurred together, with Rook winning by narrower margins each time. He had fought hand-to-hand with Gwendolyn a few times for fun and Ben couldn't be more different. There was no pattern for Rook to memorize, no rhyme or reason to his next move, no trick for Rook to exploit. Ben fought as a human a lot like how he did as an alien — spontaneously.
It culminated when Rook threw a punch and Ben dodged, stepping in close and jamming his open palm toward Rook's chin. Automatically, Rook leaned back, realizing his mistake a second too late. He fumbled, off balance, and Ben seized the opportunity to swipe Rook's leg out from under him. He toppled over and hit his side with a grunt, staring up at Ben with surprise.
Standing above him, sweating and panting but looking proud, Ben grinned. "Wow. All those years of formal training just to lose to a teenager who plays too many video games. I bet you feel pretty stupid right now, huh, Rook?" Ben teased.
Rook didn't consider it a loss — not with the view that he had. He smiled, holding out a hand, and Ben took it before helping Rook to his feet. "That is still three to one. Correct me if I am mistaken, but that means that I am still ahead of you," he said, continuing to hold onto Ben's hand. He kept his fingers very still, wanting this little bit of contact to linger for as long as possible. And the sooner that Ben remembered that they were holding hands, the sooner he would pull away.
"I mean, I think if you factor in all the times that I've saved the universe, I come out ahead," Ben joked. He hadn't pulled away yet.
"Oh?" Rook raised an eyebrow. He was grinning so hard that it hurt. "In that case, if we factor in all the times that I have saved you, then—"
"Water break!" Ben announced suddenly, cutting him off.
He let go of Rook and went over to the bench he'd tossed his jacket out. The water bottles that they'd purchased before entering the training room were sitting there and Ben grabbed his before tossing the other to Rook. It wasn't as good as holding Ben's hand, but he was thirsty, so Rook nodded in thanks before unscrewing the cap.
When he'd had his fill, Ben set the bottle down and walked back over. "How about we make a deal? If you can win another round, I'll cut you some slack and we'll call it a draw."
Finishing off his water, Rook turned his head to hide a little smile and shook his head. "Interesting offer. My counter offer if that, if you win, we will call it a draw. And if I win, I will buy you another smoothie."
The joking look on Ben's face vanished as confusion replaced it. "Uh…" He tilted his head to the side and frowned. "Correct me if I'm wrong, dude, but it doesn't really sound like I'm losing with either of those outcomes. Did you get confused halfway through your sentence or something?"
"I know what I said," Rook assured him. He turned away with a half-hearted shrug. "But, if those terms are not agreeable to you…"
"Woah, no need to be hasty there!" Ben said, waving his hands. He still seemed confused, but some of the teasing atmosphere had returned. "If you wanna play it like that, I won't argue. Either way, you're going down, Blonko."
It was entirely because Ben said his chosen name that Rook locked up and didn't see the attack coming. To be fair, it wasn't like Ben knew the things that did to Rook. Ben had never said his chosen name before, and Rook wanted to hear it again and again and again. It got shoved from his thoughts (literally) when Ben tackled him to the mat. And if having Ben say his name hadn't gotten Rook distracted, then having Ben straddle him certainly finished the job.
"You're not even trying," Ben said, a little breathless as he looked down at Rook. "And, for the record, you gotta start mixing up your move set. You always follow your right hooks with a left uppercut. How do you think I won last round?"
Rook bit his tongue, using the pain to ground himself in the present before his thoughts ran wild. "It does not matter," he retorted. Grabbing Ben by his shirt, Rook threw him to the side at the same time that he shifted his weight, hovering above Ben and pinning him to the ground. He grinned triumphantly. "Regardless, you will not win again."
It was difficult to pin Ben down, though. Rook supposed that it was a learned trait, what with how often Ben was attacked. He jammed his knees into Rook's gut which, while it didn't hurt, pushed Rook back enough for Ben to pull his legs up and use the momentum to roll backwards, coming into a smooth crouch on all fours. He launched himself at Rook with a cry of triumph. Instinctively, Rook rolled with Ben's momentum, landing on his back. He planted his foot against Ben's chest and, with one good kick, sent him flying.
Immediately after, Rook realized his mistake. "Ben!" He jumped to his feet, hurrying over to where Ben had collapsed after being kicked into the wall. Rook set his hands on Ben's shoulders, helping him to sit up. "I am so sorry. I did not realize how much power I was using."
Ben let out a breathy laugh, looking dazed. He was pinching his nose shut with a grimace. "Are you saying that you were holding back on me?" He asked, voice nasally. He let go of his nose and muttered a curse as blood dripped down onto his lip. "Great. Well, that's what I get for hitting the wall face-first, I guess."
At the sight of blood, Rook flinched. He supposed that it could have been worse. Ben could have snapped his neck when he made contact with the wall. The mental image did nothing to quiet Rook's worries.
"I think that is enough sparing for today." Rook helped Ben to his feet, already dragging him over to the closest bench without waiting for permission. "Allow me to grab a first-aid kit. You should rest and be careful not to aggravate it further," he said.
"Dude, relax. It's just a bloody nose," Ben sighed, exasperated. He shrugged Rook's hands off, but nonetheless took a seat on the bench. He prodded the area around his nose and winced. "Damn. That's definitely going to bruise, though."
Rook hovered uncertainly, nervousness making him feel light-headed. His Plumber training kicked in after a few seconds, though, and Rook made a beeline for the nearest first-aid kit. Luckily, the training room had plenty. It took Rook a moment to locate the one meant for humans, thanking his lucky stars that most of the Plumbers at this particular base were, in fact, human. He brought it back over to Ben, setting it on the bench next to him and sorting through it.
For his part, Ben looked remarkably uninterested. Still pinching his nose shut, he raised an eyebrow at Rook. "Don't you think that you're overreacting a little?"
That comment went ignored. Once he'd found what he was looking for, Rook handed Ben a cotton strip. "Pinch your nose shut with that," he instructed. "And remember to tilt your head forward. Do you want to go to the infirmary to have a professional examine the bruising?"
If Ben rolled his eyes any harder, Rook thought that he might end up straining something. "What do you think?" He asked, an edge of frustration creeping into his voice. Then Ben sighed his annoyance out and took the strip of cotton, holding it over his nose and leaning his head forward like Rook told him to. "Just give me a few minutes." He glanced at Rook out of the corner of his eyes. "Are you sure that you're done sparing for today? It seemed like you were having fun."
His concern for Rook's emotional state, despite what just happened, made Rook melt a little inside. Ben really was going to be the death of him — metaphorically or otherwise.
He moved the first-aid kit aside to take a seat next to Ben, making sure to keep enough space between their bodies for them both to move around without touching each other. "I am sure," Rook said with a sigh, unable to help the guilt creeping into his words. He looked at the ground. "It was a lot of fun. I always have fun with you. But it means a lot to me that you selected this activity knowing that I would enjoy it, despite having made no secret of your distaste for this in the past. I just…" Rook bit his lip; closed his eyes. "I am sorry. I wanted today to be perfect, at least in some sense. The last thing that I wanted was to hurt you again."
"Again?" Ben questioned, and Rook froze. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Well. Shit.
"I, um…" Rook fidgeted uncomfortably. The space between them was both too much and not nearly enough. "Would you believe that it is a long story and leave it at that?"
Maybe he should have just come up with a lie. Because saying that confirmed that he was hiding something and Rook should have known that Ben was too stubborn to just let that go. "I believe that it's a long story," Ben said, turning to face him, "but I'm not going to leave it at that." He lowered hands that were on his face. At least it didn't look like his nose was bleeding anymore. Ben stared at him for a long moment, searching. "Were you lying earlier?" Ben asked suddenly. "When you were talking about your relationship problems. Was that just a coverup for you to avoid talking about… whatever this is?"
It was so easy to forget that Ben was more perceptive than he let on. Rook laughed a little, looking away. "No. Both of these problems are actually remarkably similar," he muttered.
Why did this have to be so difficult? On Revonnah, courting was simple. You merely approached the object of your affections with a gift, normally hand-made, and expressed your intentions. Then they would either accept or reject. Of course, even if they were on Revonnah, Rook didn't think that it would be easy. His Father was gradually coming around, but Da would never accept his eldest son entering a relationship that would doom their bloodline. A man, let alone an offworlder, would never be an acceptable partner.
Rook was getting ahead of himself, though. He wasn't sure why he was always thinking about marrying Ben, or going steady. Neither of those were viable options. At the rate that things were going, they never would be. He had an eternity to spend with Ben, and it killed Rook to know that infinity still wasn't enough time.
Ben hummed thoughtfully. His expression was pinched, like he was confused and couldn't figure out why. "Rook," he said finally. "You're not giving me a lot to go off of here. I know I can't make you talk, but I'm starting to worry about you. You haven't been acting like yourself lately."
"I do not feel like myself," Rook admitted. He turned to face Ben, their knees bumping. The contact sent a rush of electricity through him. Either Rook was easy, or Ben had a bigger sway over him than either of them wanted to acknowledge. "Ben, I… How do I say this?" He tilted his head, staring up at the ceiling. Slowly, Rook said, "I have been doing a lot of thinking recently. About myself, mostly, but also about you. About us. It has come to my attention that I have not been a very good friend. I do not think that I am a good person, either. I think that I am selfish." His fists clenched in his lap. "And I am not sure that I like myself anymore."
It felt so good to put it out there. Rook had avoided thinking it, let alone saying it, but as soon as the words left his mouth he realized that he was right — he didn't like the person that he saw in the mirror. He would even go so far as to say that he hated himself.
How, Rook wondered, could he have spent his entire life admiring Ben Tennyson and still turned out to be such an ugly person? Something must have gotten lost in translation. Somewhere along the way, Rook had missed the point entirely.
"What?" Even though the truth of what he was saying was obvious to Rook, Ben seemed flabbergasted. "Rook, where is all of this coming from?" He set a hand on Rook's shoulder, the other on his cheek, forcing Rook to look at him. The urge to look away was strong. The intensity in Ben's eyes made Rook feel small. He didn't deserve it. "Seriously, what happened? Did someone say those things about you? You shouldn't listen to that shit, Rook. You're one of the best people I know. You're my best friend," Ben said firmly, leaving no room for argument.
As much as Rook disagreed, he couldn't bring himself to voice that. He leaned over instead, pressing his forehead against Ben's as one hand knotted into Ben's shirt. Rook needed to ground himself. He felt like he was floating away. But he didn't break eye contact, staring openly as Ben's expression again turned to one of confusion. Rook clenched his other hand around the bench. When he took a breath, his throat closed up. He was trembling.
"I…" Rook wet his lips. "Ben. I want to kiss you."
He waited. It seemed rather like a nonreaction — Ben's eyes widened and he opened his mouth into a small "oh." It seemed for a moment like he was going to say something, but nothing came out. There was a veil of uncertainty clinging to this; their hushed embrace stolen away at the back of the Plumber training facility. Rook thought that he was going to wake up any minute.
But there was no outcry of disgust from Ben. And when he continued to not look at Rook with hatred, and when he didn't pull away, Rook decided for both of them and closed the distance.
It was barely more than a press of their lips together. The contact made Ben startle like he'd just been shocked, yanking away. He would have toppled off the bench if Rook hadn't been holding onto him.
Some part of Rook registered that he ought to feel guilty. Both of them were in a relationship already, and the betrayal of trust was inexcusable. For a second, Rook felt worse about not feeling as guilty as he knew he should be. But then he thought of Ben pinned beneath him with hands locked around his throat, bloodied and bruised, and let out his turbulent emotions as a sigh. It didn't matter. He had done worse and, for some reason, Ben continued to forgive him.
Rook needed to take that to heart. He knew that he wasn't worth forgiving. But if Ben saw something in him that made him worth the effort, that made Ben defend him even against himself, call Rook his best friend… Then maybe Rook ought to spend less time worrying about all of the ways he had fucked up and work harder on becoming the person that Ben seemed to think he could be.
"I apologize," Rook said. He let go of Ben and put some extra space between them. "I should not have done that."
Ben frowned at him. "No shit," he said without heat. "You've got a girlfriend, and I'm with Ester." He hesitated. "Not that we've really talked about how serious we want to be… You know what? That's not the point." Ben shook his head.
When he didn't say anything else, Rook tried, "What is the point, then?"
Turning away, Ben pulled his leg up to his chest and propped his chin on his knee. "Honestly? I don't really know." He thought about it for a few seconds. "It's not that I haven't thought about it. Dating guys, I mean. Not you, specifically." Ben made a face. "I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm dating someone. And even if I wasn't, I don't return your feelings." He glanced at Rook, hesitant. "Are you… okay? Because I still mean what I said, Rook. You're my best friend. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself."
Surprisingly, Rook wasn't that torn up by the rejection. It probably helped that he had seen it coming. "I meant what I said, too, Ben," he said honestly. "I have feelings for you. And although I do not understand why, you see something in me that is worth sticking up for. I cannot say that I'm overly fond of the person that I have grown into, but I think that there is still plenty of time for change. I want to change. I want to be someone that deserves to be called your best friend." It helped to say it to Ben — like Rook was making him a promise, even though he hadn't used those exact words.
"Well, I mean—" Ben turned faintly red, a mix of embarrassment and discomfort. "There's always room for self-improvement. But for the record, I like you plenty just how you are." He punched Rook in the shoulder good-naturedly.
Something selfish in the back of Rook's mind wanted to be upset. It was true that Ben liked him, but that wasn't enough. And maybe if Rook tried harder at this "self-improvement" thing, he could get Ben to look at him differently. He could get Ben to fall in love with him.
Then Rook quelled those thoughts and the moment passed. He tried for a smile and found that it wasn't as difficult as he thought it would be. "So, we are still friends?" Rook asked. Just to clarify.
The smile that Ben gave him was small and hesitant, but still there. Still real. "Always, dude," he said with a nod. Ben held out his fist and Rook bumped their knuckles together.
It was still a little awkward when Ben got to his feet. He prodded his nose gingerly and, finding that there was no bleeding, crumpled up the cotton he'd been using and shoved it into his pocket. Rook similarly stood, grabbing the first-aid kit to put away on their way out. Before he could say anything, Ben beat him to the punch.
"Wanna forget this happened and go for smoothies?" Ben asked. His shoulders were still tense and his fists were shoved anxiously into his pockets, but the smile that he gave Rook was genuine and that was enough.
This was enough.
He didn't need the full package — didn't need to exchange bashful glances, or hold hands, or kiss — when Rook already knew that he was getting more than he deserved. When Ben was already happy, just with the way that things were. That alone was priceless. Seeing him happy was more than enough.
Rook smiled back and nodded. "I will pay," he offered — and he'd do it every day, again and again, even if time wasn't stuck in a loop, just to get Ben to look at him with that twinkle in his eyes again.
"Well," Ben said, "I wasn't going to say anything, but you did win our last round. And I've never known you to be a liar."
Oh, Rook lied plenty. To himself, mostly, but it was sweet that Ben had such a high opinion of him. Instead of saying that, Rook raised an eyebrow. "So you are admitting that I won?"
Ben rolled his eyes. "Keep talking and I might not let you buy me a smoothie," he warned good-naturedly, swinging his jacket over his shoulder as he turned to leave the room.
It was a joke, of course, but Rook kept his mouth shut anyway as he followed. No reason to push his luck.
A/N: Sorry this chapter took a while. I think I'll just leave this fic on hiatus and show up with updates whenever they come. Will it be in a week, or in three months? Who can say? There's still only twenty chapters planned, so we're approaching the conclusion, er, gradually. Comments are great motivators.
Just checking — you guys didn't think that the "unrequited love" tag was a joke, did you?
Also, people who say that sexual awakening isn't a valid character arc can literally eat my entire ass. Discovering that part of your identity is always valid, and Rook will be staring at Ben's hips (with various levels of embarrassment). No, I am not taking constructive criticism.