If anyone is still reading this - sorry for the 14 year long wait for an update. New readers: welcome!

Chapter 30

(No Time for) Healing

They had gone to the nearest medstation because Anakin's arm needed treatment as soon as possible. Obi-Wan's wounds were not that bad, ugly blisters on his knees and sides, hurtful but no grave consequences. The huge bacta patches made him a bit stiff but that was all. The wounds inside, however… It had become almost a compulsion to control the gemstone on his ring every other minute, to stare at it until a blue swirl flickered through the black that made him feel sick.

Anakin was still in surgery. The med droids had not allowed Obi-Wan inside during the process. He was both worried and relieved. Worried because he wanted to be there and check whether the droids fastened the prosthesis correctly, relieved because he couldn't bear to see Anakin's pain. They had put him into a bacta tank for two whole days. To clean and heal the wound and to strengthen him for the upcoming surgery. Obi-Wan could hardly bear to see Anakin like that – floating in the tank, his eyes closed, connected to several tubes. But it was the same as with the ring: He felt the duty to look: to be reminded of what he had done, what he had almost become. Much as he wished for it, he also dreaded Anakin's awakening. He knew that facing him would become more difficult the longer he had to wait. Glumly Obi-Wan stared into the blackness of the galaxy. The medstation did not belong to a solar system but just floated in space, so it was always dark outside.

"Padawan Kenobi?" Cody, who was already fully recovered, stepped next to him onto the terrace.

"Commander Cody. Have you contacted the Council?"

"Yes. I have informed them that General Skywalker was found. They asked us to return to Coruscant as soon as the General is in a condition to travel again."

"Shouldn't we go back to Senali?"

"Senali has fallen to the Separatists. Two thirds of our troops could withdraw. The rest was destroyed. I am sorry," Cody added as an afterthought when he saw Obi-Wan's stricken face.

"I am sorry, too," Obi-Wan said softly. He understood that clones did not grieve for individual losses but they had still been Cody's comrades and one third of the soldiers was a lot. And losses of huge numbers did worry the clones. "How's the situation on Rutan? Has Master Fisto arrived?"

"I'm glad to inform you that General Fisto has arrived on Rutan and is still standing."

"That's… good to know. Thank you, Commander."

The surgery took some time. Obi-Wan tried to practice with his lightsaber but whenever he got into a flow he was reminded of how it had felt on Vjun. It had been brilliant, yes. He had enjoyed it, had enjoyed killing, even though it had been only droids he had destroyed.

Roughly an hour later the med droids reported to Cody – because he was a commander and not only an apprentice – that the surgery had been successful and that Anakin was now awake. Cody immediately reported to Obi-Wan because he understood some things.

Anakin looked even paler that on Vjun. The med droids had put him into a white nightgown. The bedding was white, too, and so was the whole room. And Anakin's lips were almost white, too. The only colour was the wound on his cheek which Ventress had put there. Obi-Wan slowly approached like he would approach a scared animal which was ready to bolt. Not that Anakin had any chance to flee because he was still connected to several tubes.

"How are you?" Obi-Wan finally broke the silence.

"Better. You?"

"I'm fine. Nothing serious."

"Good."

Obi-Wan took a chair and sat down but kept a safe distance. Anakin seemed too fragile. The arm with the new prosthesis lay on the bedsheet. It gleamed golden. Anakin kept throwing glances at it.

Obi-Wan cleared his throat. "Here, I brought you something to eat." He bent forward and put two fruitberry protein bars on the bed, Anakin's favourite sort. The mechanical hand twitched but then Anakin clumsily reached with his other hand to take them.

"Thanks." He fumbled with the wrapping but could not do it with only one hand. "Could you -"

"Of course," Obi-Wan answered much too quickly and grabbed the protein bar, grateful he could do something useful.

Anakin accepted the offered bar and slowly nibbled on it. His throat worked but he hardly ate anything. He didn't look like he enjoyed it, quite the contrary, like he would throw up any minute. "Sorry…" He put the bar away and averted his gaze.

"It's alright," Obi-Wan mumbled. He tried to put a comforting hand on Anakin's shoulder but Anakin flinched ever so slightly. Obi-Wan knew that he had had it coming but that did not mean that it hurt any less. He folded his hands, staring at them until Anakin said: "How did you find me?"

Obi-Wan hesitated. Telling Anakin about his strange encounter with Qui-Gon did not seem the right thing in his current state. "I had a vision. Or something like that."

"I had visions, too." With his one hand Anakin pulled the blanket up as if he was cold. Then he turned onto his side so he was facing away from Obi-Wan. "I want to sleep."

Obi-Wan understood the dismissal and silently left the room.

What was he to do, on a medstation in space? Not even his mediocre healing powers were helpful here because the medstation was more professional and better equipped than a hastily erected field hospital. Anakin did not need – did not want his help either, so there was nothing for him to do. He tried to meditate in the little guestroom they had given him. But the Force did not bring him peace. Instead his mind replayed the scene on Vjun, Ventress's command, Obi-Wan's dark thoughts…and then he had to check the colour of his ring again.

oOoOo

Anakin couldn't sleep. No matter how exhausted he was, whenever he closed his eyes, the dreams, visions, memories – whatever they were – returned. It should be easier to discern reality and illusion now that he was away from Ventress and her powers and that horrible place, but his mind was not okay. Yes, they had put him in a bacta tank, treated his many wounds, had cleanly attached the prosthesis, had artificially fed his malnourished body with everything it needed – and yet he could neither eat nor sleep properly. The painkillers and sleep-inducing drugs helped but never long enough.

He was not used to doing nothing. It meant he had too much time to think and that was something he tried to avoid, by throwing himself into battle or, more recently, by having sex with Obi-Wan. He wanted Obi-Wan here but Obi-Wan only came to see him once a day and never stayed for long. And Anakin could not bring himself to ask him to stay, not after what had happened on Vjun. He knew Obi-Wan hurt and that he, Anakin, needed to amend some things but he lacked the necessary strength. He needed a few more days to recover. And just one night of dreamless sleep…

oOoOo

"Kenobi was not on Senali anymore." Dooku gave a curt bow to his Master.

Sidious smiled thinly. It was as good as an 'I told you so.' "You should have focused on Skywalker when he was at his weakest instead of clinging to your folly of turning Kenobi."

"You were right, Master." Dooku did his best to shield his thoughts from Sidious: his anger at being spoken down to and his refusal to follow Sidious's plan. It was a dangerous thing. Sidious had uncanny abilities in reading one's mind. But Dooku was one of the most powerful Force users and he had not given up yet.

"I hope from now on you will follow my lead without questioning me."

Feeling Sidious's yellow eyes bore through him, Dooku bowed again.

"First we get Kenobi out of the way," Sidious said. "And then Skywalker is ours."

oOoOo

After a few days, Anakin was allowed to leave his bed. He was still weak on his legs and his new arm made him feel oddly off-balance but he was relieved to be able to walk on his own, even if it was just inside this depressing medstation.

He needed to get outside, breathe some fresh air. When he stepped on the terrace, he was greeted with no fresh air at all but the artificial atmosphere of a medstation in space, always clean, always the same temperature, no smells whatsoever. Nonetheless, he took deep breaths to try to find calm. It was always calm here but it did not bring Anakin peace. Outside, with nothing obstructing the view into deep space, was at least a little relief. No white walls, no blinking and beeping machines – just tiny stars in the distance and the station's soft hum in the background.

He could feel Obi-Wan's presence in the Force before he joined Anakin on the terrace. Obi-Wan tried to shield and keep a distance but there was a turmoil around him that could not be entirely concealed.

"Back on your feet," Obi-Wan said with a strained smile, "good."

"Yes. What are you up to?" Anakin gestured at Obi-Wan's unusual clothes: He had changed his Jedi attire for civilian's clothes that hid his Padawan haircut.

"Master Fisto has just contacted me. I was given a mission. Apparently, there are some inconsistencies regarding the fight on Senali and its fall to the Separatist Army. It doesn't make sense that they lost so quickly after weeks of fighting without any significant progress on either side. Sure, we – you weren't there anymore but the clones have many experienced commanders and shouldn't have been overrun just like that. So I'm to go back there and investigate undercover."

"Your first solo mission. Congratulations."

Obi-Wan should have been proud to finally have the Council's trust but he did not look proud at all.

"It'll be fine," Anakin said. "You killed a Sith Lord at the age of eighteen. You defeated Ventress when you were badly wounded. This should be easy in comparison. By the way, you're kind of taking away my job, defeating the dark side, you know."

It did not cheer Obi-Wan up at all, quite the contrary. "But what about the dark side here?" he said in a choked voice and pointed at his chest.

With a few wobbly steps Anakin stepped to Obi-Wan's side. "You're kind and selfless, Obi-Wan. You don't belong to the dark side."

Obi-Wan shook his head. "You were there. You must have felt it. I almost…" He choked again.

"Kissed me? I wouldn't have minded. You should know I like your kisses. Why you wanted to kiss me in that state, however, is a mystery to me."

"Do not make fun of it."

Anakin nodded in acknowledgement. It had not been the most sympathetic thing to say. But he did not know how else to alleviate Obi-Wan's guilty conscience.

"I wanted to take advantage of you," Obi-Wan continued darkly. "I wanted to have power over you and possess you. I wanted to make you love me."

Anakin suppressed a shudder. "Yes, I felt it," he admitted. "But I also felt you letting go." It had not been the gentle release of dark emotions into the Force, not the way they were taught at the Temple, but rather Obi-Wan quelling those desires with fierce determination. "When you were there and embraced me, there was only light." And love and guilt and desperation – but no dark side.

Obi-Wan still looked doubtful and that was probably why he was such a great Jedi. Anakin just wished he could make his self-doubt go away for once and let him see what Anakin saw. But Obi-Wan was shit at taking compliments, had always been. So Anakin chose another route.

"Kiss me."

Obi-Wan took a hasty step back. "What – why are you doing this?"

"I want you to."

"No. You were right when you said love is too dangerous. I will not do it again. I will let go of this attachment."

This was not what Anakin had wanted to achieve at all. "I'm not scared of you."

"Maybe you should be."

"Bantashit." Of course Obi-Wan had to be confrontational even now, with his stubborn selflessness.

"Anakin-"

"Obi-Wan." Anakin stepped closer and grasped Obi-Wan's arm so he would not back away again. "You have my love. You don't have to force me."

Obi-Wan silently stared at Anakin. There was still doubt in his eyes, and so Anakin repeated it, "You have my love," because it was the truth. How could he not love Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan with his fierce beliefs, his stubborn stamina, his selflessness and modesty. Obi-Wan, who had always been there, a steady and reliable presence at Anakin's side, who had gotten up after every lightsaber duel he had lost and had been there the next day to fight anew, who had always treated Anakin as human, never as the Chosen One – for better or for worse –, and who had always been there when Anakin had needed him the most. The bond was there anyway. There was no use fighting it.

Obi-Wan still had not said a word but was just staring at Anakin.

"Will you let me kiss you?" Anakin asked. So far, it had always been for Anakin. Anakin, who had taken what he needed, and Obi-Wan, who had given him everything freely. Now Anakin wanted to give something back.

Finally, Obi-Wan nodded. Anakin tried to do it the right way, slowly, gently – to show Obi-Wan that he was loved. But unfortunately, he had not full control of his prosthesis yet.

"This is not what I had in mind." Anakin sighed and stared at his golden fingers, which were tangled in an unnatural angle in the fabric of Obi-Wan's shirt and refused to cooperate.

With a lot of awkward fumbling and, in the end, violent pulling and ripping of fabric, they finally entangled the fingers.

"Not perfect anymore, huh?" Anakin said self-deprecatingly.

Obi-Wan smirked. "Looks like you need a bit of training. Patience, Anakin."

Anakin rolled his eyes. "Guess I'll have enough time while you're away. Be safe, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan squeezed his prosthetic hand that spasmed some more at the contact. "May the Force be with you."

Anakin watched him go with a heavy feeling in his chest. It was just an undercover mission, Obi-Wan did not go into battle, he told himself. Slowly, he began to understand what it must have been like for Obi-Wan to let him go every morning, never knowing if he would return.

It was time for Anakin to start training with his new arm.