Chapter 20: Disk 3.5 - Captured by Kuja

Skipping the intro.

[Vivi runs off. Zidane follows him. At the cemetery, Vivi is speaking to Number 288]

Vivi "Where is everyone!?"

Black Mage No. 288 "They went away with Kuja... Two other guys stayed behind. They're probably at the chocobo shack..."

Vivi "Why!? Why did they go with him!?"

Black Mage No. 288 "They learned about our lifespan... We can live only for a given amount of time." "Kuja said he knew how to extend our life spans, so everyone followed him..."

And when did Kuja say this, before or after trying to get Alexander? Is this implying that Kuja found the village, how? Wasn't this place supposed to be hidden? And why even would he? It can't have been before, because as far as Kuja knew at that point, he thought that he was going to get Alexander and didn't need to trick the Mages into working for him. It can't have been after the Alexander events either because according to Cid, the Black Mages were already working for Kuja as they apparently picked up Kuja with the Hilda Garde when Garland was attacking Alexander.

Vivi "He's lying! I bet he's lying!" "Look what he's done to us. He's been using us, treating us like puppets."

Black Mage No. 288 "...Maybe we are just puppets, created to serve humans."

Except that a bunch of you were were probably originally humans and your souls got spat out of the Iifa Tree's roots as Mist instead of going back to the crystal, and you got placed into these artificial bodies, but the game won't even properly take advantage of this interesting setup, as I've stated before.

Vivi "!"

Zidane "Come on. That's nonsense."

Vivi "...Where did they go?"

Black Mage No. 288 "...I can't tell you that. I can't betray them."

But you are fine with Kuja obviously going to betray them?

Skipping ahead.

[Vivi walks out of the shack. Zidane follows. Outside, No. 288 is standing. Vivi approaches him]

Vivi "...You stayed behind because you were worried about the chocobo egg."

Black Mage No. 288 "...I don't know." "I wanted to follow Kuja because I was so scared of dying." "But I couldn't... I felt like I was leaving something important behind."

Again, that is ironic considering that the Black Mages are already dead.

Vivi "..." "I wanna ask you something."

Black Mage No. 288 "What is it?"

Vivi "A-Am I gonna stop pretty soon, too?"

Zidane "!"

Black Mage No. 288 "I don't know..." "Kuja said the prototype built before us would last longer."

And Vivi is the only prototype? What happened to the other prototypes that look exactly like Vivi, shouldn't they still be around?

Vivi "But...I am gonna stop eventually."

Black Mage No. 288 "..."

Vivi "...I was really confused when my grandpa died." "He told me, 'Vivi, no need be sad.' So I told myself, I can't be sad." "That's why I felt confused again when I heard that everyone was stopping around here." "I didn't know what to do or what to feel..." "But when I saw Dagger crying when her mom died, I wasn't confused anymore." "I was sad..." "If I were just a puppet, I never would've felt that way." "Mr. 288... we aren't puppets. I know we aren't." "...I hate him." "I hate Kuja! He's turning everyone into puppets just to kill people!" "If it weren't for him, I know everyone would understand someday." "It's not fair..."

Funny because later on you will do a flip and act like you are supposed to feel sorry for Kuja based on really cheap reasons.

Zidane "Vivi..."

Black Mage No. 288 "...Kuja's secret palace is on the eastern side of this continent."

Zidane "!"

Black Mage No. 288 "It's buried under quicksand. You'll need a ship to get there."

How the heck does he know this? It's unlikely that Kuja told him since this was before the Alexander events and Kuja was sure he was going to get Alexander, and It's also completely wrong, because from what we see later, the Desert Palace is actually hidden within the mountain range to the west away from that desert (making the first part of it's name completely false) and I'll be addressing the stupidity of the whole quicksand thing soon.

Vivi "Thanks..."

Black Mage No. 288 "I hope we can become strong like you someday..."

[Black Mage No. 288 walks off screen. The screen fades to black, and resumes near the entrance of Black Mage Village, where Dagger is standing, alone]

Dagger (Vivi has so much on his mind...) (Unlike me, he's fighting so hard...) (...I thought I would change after I met Zidane.) (...Once I acceded to the throne, I knew I had to change.) (But nothing has changed...! I'm so helpless...)

Oh boy, here we go again with Dagger's annoying inner monologues of suck and wangst, also, you "thought you could change after meeting Zidane"? You acted like you didn't give a crap about Zidane for the second half of Disk 1 and first half of Disk 2! Well I guess you technically did change as you went from planning your escape from Alexandria Castle and improvising in the play at the beginning of the game, to not knowing what crops are and being a really selfish brat who drugged and abandoned Zidane, who helped you escape, so you could stupidly run back to your crazy mom.

[Eiko walks on screen]

Eiko "Wow..." "Dagger, were you listening, too?" "That crybaby sure has come a long way, don't you think?"

How would you even think that Eiko? You weren't with Vivi at the beginning of the game, you weren't introduced until late into Disk 2, and the most you saw of Vivi being a "crybaby" was him being afraid of heights, you yourself were crying when the Memory Earring was stolen by Lani.

Dagger [Standing perfectly still] "..."

Eiko "Dagger?" "Are you alright?" [Dagger nods] "...Don't worry too much. Vivi has his own way of dealing with things, and you have yours." "Come on, cheer up! We'll beat up Kuja, and you'll get your voice back in no time."

Yeah, "great pep talk" Eiko, seriously why isn't Zidane here with Garnet instead, stop with this clichéd dialogue.

Skipping ahead.

[The group returns to the boat. They travel to the desert area on the easter side, and enter the necessary whirlpool of quicksand. The screen fades to black]

Now there is this nonsense! When the team finds out that Kuja's lair is "somewhere in the desert" (which it actually isn't), what do they do? They JUMP INTO THE FREAKING QUICKSAND. ALL. SIMULTANEOUSLY.

"Huhaha... I knew you'd come. Everything is going according to plan..."

And everyone immediately falls into the trap of Kuja, who EXPECTED them to dive headfirst into the shithole of quicksand. And it all happens behind the scenes.

Enough with this "all according to plan" BS. There is no way Kuja could have predicted this, especially when it looks like the Black Mages from the Village went to Kuja BEFORE the events of Alexander being summoned, and as I've said above, the Palace is actually within the mountain range that is quite a distance away from the desert and those quicksand holes, the quicksand should not have lead the party here to the palace.

[Screen fades back in on a small room with a metal floor. Zidane is passed out on the floor, while Regent Cid is beside him]

Regent Cid "Zidane! Ribbit, wake up!"

Zidane "U-Ungh..." [He shakes his head, then stands up] "Cid... Where the heck are we?"

Regent Cid "Good question ribbit! I wish I knew!"

Zidane "After I fell into the quicksand, everything went dark..." "That's all I can remember."

Well that is what happens when you stupidly decide to jump into quicksand.

Regent Cid "Me, too ribbit! When I woke up, ribbit I was in this room."

Zidane "Oh yeah! Where is everyone?"

Regent Cid "I don't know ribbit. I hope they're alright."

"So you're finally awake..."

Zidane "That voice... it's Kuja!"

"I'm so happy to see you again."

Zidane "You rat bastard! Where're my friends?"

It's cool that Zidane just now insulted Freya, Fratley, Puck and all of the rat people.

"My, my... Aren't we feisty today?" "No need to worry about them. They're in rooms not unlike yours." "Oh, yes... By the way, I should probably enlighten you as to your current situation."

Kind of convenient that Kuja has a holding cell for every party member individually, with the exception of Zidane and Cid, who are both within the same cell.

[The floor begins to open up. Underneath it is red-hot lava]

Where the heck did Kuja get lava from? If the palace was near a volcano this would make sense, but that isn't the case.

Zidane "Yikes!"

[It stops opening]

"I'm sure that even your feeble mind can grasp what would happen if you were to take that plunge." "Ahahahahahahaha!"

Zidane "Kuja! You're dead!"

"Oh, dear. Was it something I said?" "Either way, now that you're aware of your predicament, I'd like you to do a tiny little favor for me." "I'll let your friends live if you say yes."

Zidane "Dammit..." [Choose between "I have no choice" or "Never!". Since you have no choice, pick the first one] "..." "Dammit, I don't have a choice!"

Thanks for stating the obvious, Zidane.

"Very good. You've chosen wisely. First, step outside."

[The door opens. Zidane and Regent Cid exit his room]

Zidane "Hey, Cid. I need you to look after the others."

Regent Cid "Fine ribbit! I won't let you down!" "And you ribbit! You come back safe!"

Zidane "Yeah, I will." "See ya."

[Zidane walks away, leaving Regent Cid behind. Zidane runs to the end of a pathway; both of the possible directions to go are blocked by black mages]

Really? Kuja is just going to let Cid wander around un-imprisoned? Like that is a smart move.

Zidane "Not these guys again..."

You do realize these are the Mages from the Black Mage Village, right?

"..."

"Stand between the black mages."

[He stands between them. They raise their arms, and he's teleported away. He reappears in a room: walking foward, he comes face-to-face with Kuja!]

Kuja "Welcome to my humble abode."

Zidane "Just cut to the chase and tell me what the hell you want!"

Kuja "My, we're upset, aren't we? Well, this is your errand..." "I want you to go somewhere and bring something back for me."

Zidane "So, tell me what it is already, you demon!"

Kuja "I'd watch my mouth if I were you." "Surely, you haven't forgotten that I hold your friends' lives in my hands."

Why can't some of the characters just go Trance or Garnet and Eiko can summon Eidolons to bust out of the cells? This is as stupid as in the original FFVII when the party is rescuing Aerith from the Shinra Building and they get easily captured just because the Turks Rude and Tseng sneak up behind them in the elevator and tell them to "push up" and the party just GIVES UP, despite fighting off Turks like Reno before and big battle robots, not to mention that they had no problem fighting in the elevator later when it was against some Shinra machines, thankfully the Remake removed all that stupidity.

Zidane "Grr!"

Kuja "I'm going to send you to a place called Oeilvert."

Zidane "Where's that?"

Kuja "Oeilvert is south of the Seaways Canyon on the Forgotten Continent." "It really isn't my kind of place."

The cretinism continues: Kuja, who said on the first disc that Zidane could become a problem, sends him to a place where only Zidane can find out the details of the plot about Terra. He stupidly informs his main opponent just like that, when he could send someone like Steiner to Oeilvert, who would easily do this for the sake of the princess.

Zidane "What do you mean by that?"

Kuja "You see, there's an anti-magic barrier around that place." "And I want to send you because you're too stupid to use magic."

Uh, several of the characters can use magic, Kuja, especially Vivi, Eiko and Garnet. Stop talking out your ass. Actually why can't Zidane use magic? He is supposed to be a superior version of Kuja who uses powerful magic, yet Zidane can't?

Also how is there still an anti-magic barrier around Oeilvert? Shouldn't the technology generating that barrier have worn out and broken down by now (along with the other tech) considering that place has been vacant for a long time with no one to keep it renovated?

Kuja "Once there, I want you to retrieve the Gulug Stone for me." "What do you say? Isn't it a simple task?" "I'll even send you on my luxury cruise ship, so you won't have to worry about transportation." "Perhaps it's too much for you. I'd better send you with three of your friends just to be safe." "Besides, nobody likes to fight against himself."

Zidane "?"

Kuja "Heheh, nevermind."

Kuja is apparent foreshadowing the enemies you encounter in Oeilvert, the Epitaphs, which can produce copies of the party members to fight them, but it's weird, because this is the first time in IX that the storyline dialogue is referencing in-battle random monsters (not counting automatic battles like ones against the Mistodons)

Kuja "Speak their names when you've chosen your partners."

[At this point, you choose your three characters. Since no magic can be cast in there, it's only logical to take your best physical characters. So, I chose Steiner, Freya, and Amarant. This will have very little impact on the script, for the record]

When I played this, I took Garnet, because regardless of the anti-magic thing, Zidane and Garnet should stay by each others sides. Not that choosing her actually gives you more scenes, gets rid of her mute contrived drama and improves the love story, but whatever.

Zidane "I want Steiner, Freya, and Amarant."

Kuja "Fine. I shall summon them."

[Screen fades to black; the screen focuses on each character, as Kuja says his/her name. "Steiner...", "Freya...", "and Amarant...".]

"Step through the door."

[Screen changes to outside their rooms]

"Proceed to the center of the platform."

[They walk to the center of the platform. The black mages go "...", then teleport them up. They teleport into Kuja's room, the same way Zidane did]

Kuja "Spare me the emotional reunion scene, please." "Now, go stand with your friends."

[Zidane walks over to them]

Zidane "You better keep your promise, Kuja!"

Kuja "Of course. You needn't worry one bit."

[They teleport away]

Kuja "Khehehe... What a bunch of idiots."

Says the guy who made a needlessly complicated and convoluted plan to get Alexander, thinks that there is a Gaia Eidolon stronger than Alexander, letting Zidane be the one to go to Oeilvert where he could find out the truth as I've already said above, doesn't try to get Ark: the Terra Eidolon that could possibly rival Alexander's power that dwells within Oeilvert by using the party, tries to kill the prisoners despite (depending on who you chose to go with you) some of them being summoners whose Eidolons Kuja wants, choosing to go to Mount Gulug to have the Eidolons extracted when he could simply set up an extraction circle in the Desert Palace itself and take the Eidolons from Garnet and Eiko then and there, and most of all: not simply acquiring Trance from the very start instead of this whole Eidolon hunt which he stupidly didn't know much about, despite even Steiner of all people having some knowledge about it.

But keep projecting, Kuja.

[Screen fades to black; resumes at a teleportation circle outside his castle. Zidane runs up a set of stairs, then suddenly stops]

Zidane "Whoa!" [Screen pans to the left, revealing an airship, then goes back to Zidane] "That must be the Hilda Garde 1!"

[Zidane runs to the Hilda Garde 1, and goes on board. Screen changes to the World Map: the Hilda Garde 1 moves across the Outer Continent.]

This is the part where it is revealed that the "Desert" Palace was actually within the mountains, west away from the desert rather than underneath the desert itself. Proving Black Mage No. 288's info to be complete bullshit.

[The screen fades to black, and resumes in the bridge of the Hilda Garde 1; Zidane walks in and sees two black mages controlling the ship]

Zidane "Hey, can we really trust Kuja?"

[Zidane walks to the other black mage]

Zidane "Hey, can we really trust Kuja?"

Zidane "Hey! Say something!"

[Zorn walks onto the screen]

Zorn "They will not answer to you."

[Thorn walks onto the screen]

Thorn "Respond to our orders only, they do."

Zidane "Why, y-you backstabbing bozos!"

What about them is being "backstabby" right now? And yes, in any dialogue with Kuja or Zorn and Thorn throughout the entire third disc, Zidane always just calls his brother or the clowns random names. It "totally" won't get tired.

Zorn "Those are slanderous words!"

Thorn "Worse lies, I have never heard."

Zorn "You needn't concern yourself with such things."

Thorn "Or an end to your friends' lives, we shall bring."

Zidane "Dammit!"

[They look at each other and laugh]

Zorn "The black mages were originally designed just to oppress."

Thorn "But a strong sense of self, the Black Waltzes came to possess."

Why are you bringing up the Waltzes all of a sudden? Nobody asked about them, and they've been pretty much forgotten by now. Also I thought back then you two referred to the Waltzes as "experiments"?

Thorn "Always obey us, these mages do, because a strong ego, they have not."

Zorn "These mass-produced ones are to break once we're through with their lot."

Thorn "Other purpose than war they have not!"

Zorn "They have grown attached to life, yet they'll soon disappear!"

Thorn "Hilarious! Nothing but toys are they here!"

Zidane "I don't think you guys are any different."

Thorn "What!?"

Zorn "Rubbish!"

Zidane "You say that the black mages have no souls, but you guys are pawns, just like them!" "Am I right, or what?"

Again with all this pretentiousness when the Black Mages are literally souls put into artificial bodies, they are deceased people temporarily resurrected. But keep ripping off of Blade Runner.

What even is Zorn's and Thorn's deals? Which especially gets confusing once we get into the Meltigemini details.

Zorn "You won't be talking so big once we're done with you!"

Thorn "Regret those words, you will!"

Zidane "Well, let's just take it easy until we arrive." "Drive safe, alright?"

[Zidane walks off screen]

[The screen fades to black, and resumes on the World Map. The Hilda Garde 1 eventually makes its way to the Forgotten Continent. The words "Forgotten Continent" appear on the screen. The ship lands. Zidane makes his way south, eventually arriving at Oeilvert]

Why is this called the "Forgotten" Continent? What about it is forgotten? Especially considering that there is a great library called Daguerreo that is part of it, where tons of people from the Mist Continent are hanging out in it, not to mention "Ipsen's Castle" which is named after the explorer Ipsen, that Zidane talked about before, and we haven't yet gotten to what the final continent is named.

End of Chapter 20.