Chapter 21: Disk 3.6 - Oeilvert & Desert Palace

[Zidane arrives at Oeilvert. The word "Oeilvert" appears on the screen. He walks to the next screen, where there are huge doors]

Zidane "This must be the entrance." "Mph!" "Open up!" "No way I can open a door this big!"

[The doors suddenly start to open]

Everyone "!"

Zidane "..." "I dunno what's going on, but I guess we gotta go inside." "It's an honour to be here, hehe."

What do you mean "honour"? You are just saying random things now.

[They go inside. Zidane approaches a crystal and touches it. It glows red at its epicenter. Zidane leaves that room, and heads to another one. A large hologram of a planet appears on the screen. Zidane is startled]

Zidane "Is this...a planet?"

[Red writing in some unknown language appears in the hologram]

Steiner "Was that writing that just appeared?"

Zidane "...Mother... Terra...?"

Steiner, Freya, Amarant "!"

Zidane "Aww...I can't make it out..."

Freya "Zidane, can you really read it?"

Zidane "It's not that I can read it... it's more like the words are talking to me." "I don't even know why..."

Words "speak" to you? Ugh…

Also how is all this technology still in perfect working condition when it hasn't had any residents to renovate and do maintenance since the failed fusion?

[Zidane heads to the next screen. He approaches four holograms, one by one]

"Aha, it worked!" [A hologram of a ship appears] "Ancient...ship..." "Oldest...in history..."

[At the next one, another ship appears] "The ship...for war..." "Shipbuilding...technology...primitive..."

[At the next, ANOTHER, completely different, ship appears] "Battleship...Invincible...prototype..." "Prototype...failure..."

[At the fourth and final one, yet another ship] "The first...battleship...Invincible..." "Improved version...currently...in use..."

Pay attention to this ship exposition, it will tie in later with what I have to say about Ark.

Skipping ahead.

[They walk on top of a blue platform; the aforementioned stone. It rises into the air]

"Visitors, listen well..." "This is the record of our civilization..."

[Another face lights up]

"The seeds' decline was not our fault..." "All vegetation and...vessels...died out..." "The decay of our Terra... triggered it all..." "In order to stop the decay, many methods were considered..."

[Another face lights up]

"Ultimately, the best minds of Terra's civilization gathered..." "Then, a final resuscitation was attempted on the mother continent..." "Unfortunately, it ended in failure..." "It was later discovered to have been the catalyst... Subjects were selected..."

[Another face lights up]

"After four tremendous sacrifices, eternal prosperity seemed within reach..." "Flora and fauna were revived, but...is still in stasis." "Final results...are still pending..."

[Another face lights up]

"In order that our glorious history not die with us, we were constructed..."

[The platforms descends]

This scene is yet another example of the scriptwriter's inadequacy and being unable to properly weave exposition and backstory into the narrative and make good world building. In order to open the way to the desired artifact, you must first stand on the platform and listen to a bunch of faces who are talking incomprehensible garbage about Terra. Many letters, little meaning: we will not know the history of the world in a volume greater than "before everything was screwed up, and then everything was rotten."

Steiner "Zidane, what could this possibly be!?"

Zidane "I wanna know, too... but our friends are in danger!" "So let's save them first!"

[The group leaves the room, and enters another one. In the middle of the room, a star is etched into the floor]

Zidane "?" "Hmm... It looks different than before." [A hologram of a planet with an orange moon appears above the star] "It looks like that other planet." [Another planet with a blue moon appears beside the first one] "Wh-What's this? Another planet?" [The two planets join together, forming one planet with two moons] "What the heck could this mean?"

Shouldn't the Terra moon be red?

[Zidane exits the room, into another room which descends far down and only has a platform. Upon walking onto the platform, it springs to life, spiralling downwards. At the bottom, Zidane is in a new room. He approaches a structure, which moves down and opens up. Inside is a blackish stone]

Zidane "!" "So this is what Kuja was harping about." "Time to head back." [He jumps onto the structure, and is instantly flung backwards] "Whoa!" "...?" [The room shakes. Zidane assumes a battle stance] "Something's coming!"

[Boss Battle vs. Ark. After it's destroyed, Zidane reaches in and gets the stone]

The boss you fight, Ark, is actually apparently a Terra Eidolon (As the Wiki explains: "Eidolons are beings that manifested to protect the crystal of Gaia. However, Ark appears associated with Terra rather than Gaia, making its appearance as an eidolon rather mysterious. Whether Ark was conjured by Gaia's or Terra's crystal is ambiguous, as eidolons are beings created by the crystal to be its protectors, however, the crystal of Terra is said to be too weak to manifest them. Ark did not appear on the Eidolon Wall in Madain Sari, and thus appears to be an eidolon that the summoner tribe was unfamiliar with.", though it would have been interesting to see some summoner research notes trying to study it), and possibly a prototype of the Invincible based on those holograms we saw earlier, but that doesn't make sense because Eidolons are ethereal beings not artificial machines, granted it's unclear if the Ark you fight here in Oeilvert and the Ark that is summoned in battle are the same entity, the Oeilvert Ark could just be the prototype Invincible that was based off of the Eidolon as the Oeilvert one can't transform like the Eidolon can.

But what's really disappointing is how Ark has no real storyline importance, it's just purely a gameplay thing, being Garnet's strongest summon, this is especially irritating because it has a lot of parallels to Alexander, Alexander is the strongest Gaia Eidolon, while Ark is most likely the strongest Terra Eidolon, both have mecha like appearances, they have opposite elements (Alexander's is Light/Holy while Ark's is Darkness) and yet funny enough, Kuja isn't even after it despite how it could actually rival Alexander, the only reason Kuja sent the party here was so that he could get the Gulug Stone to get into Mount Gulug on the Lost Continent so that he could extract Eidolons from one of the summoner characters (will be getting to those convoluted events next chapter) and seems to know nothing of Ark.

Zidane "We gotta get back to the others!"

[Received Gulug Stone!]

[Screen changes back to the Desert Palace. Eiko is in her cell with Mog]

Eiko "Why am I trapped in here!?" "Hey! Someone lemme out!" "This is no way to treat a lady!" "Aww..." "I hope Zidane and the others are alright..." "I'm sure they'll come back for me."

Kuja "So, how do you like the special suites I reserved for each of you?"

Again, how did you even get these "suites"?

Kuja "By the way, Zidane is out running an errand for me in return for your safety." "But I hate keeping promises..." "And I so love deceit."

Yeah keep twirling that moustache of yours, Kuja, and acting like a stereotypical cartoon villain who is attempting to murder even some kids like Vivi and Eiko. You are "so sympathetic and three-dimensional". Rabtoon's "FFIX in a nutshell" video also mocked this whole thing at 17:19.

Kuja "So, I thought I would give you a special death to remember me by." "My palace is home to a magnificent hourglass." "As its sands fall, the floors of your rooms slowly open." "Well? Isn't it a fabulous idea?"

You do realize that Eiko (and Garnet for this version) will be killed as well and you loose the Eidolons, right? (Keep this in mind for later)

Kuja "Your lives will be spared if the hourglass is reset. If Zidane comes back in time, that is."

Kuja is a moron, probably not being aware that he sent Zidane to the other side of the planet. Yes, he was supposed to return in six months!

Kuja "Oops, just ten more minutes. Better start praying." "Farewell... My sweet, lovable morons." "Ahahahahahahaha!"

And there's the stereotypical villainous laughter, seriously writers, if you are going to (cheaply) try and show Kuja as "sympathetic and tragic" and develop him later, you have to actually make him complex and sympathetic and not make him act like a Saturday mourning cartoon villain. (What happened to his obsession with Garnet?)

Eiko "What!? Somebody help me!"

[Screen changes to Regent Cid, standing outside of his cell with Zidane; in other words, where Zidane left him]

Kuja "Farewell... My sweet, lovable morons." "Ahahahahahahaha!"

Yes because we really needed to read that cringey line again.

Regent Cid "That bastard Kuja!" "That does it ribbit! If I don't save them, no one will!"

Yeah maybe letting Cid out of the cell was a bad idea Kuja.

[Regent Cid hops off screen. At the platform where the group was teleported away, two black mages are talking]

Black Mage No. 69 "Say..." "I reset the hourglass and locked it just because I was ordered to." "What we're doing is wrong, isn't it?"

Black Mage No. 12 "Wait. Isn't that better than to stop functioning?"

Again, do these Black Mages have any memories of when there were alive before becoming Mages?

Black Mage No. 69 [Hangs his head] "..."

Black Mage No. 12 "C-Come on, let's go back."

Black Mage No. 69 "Turning off that trap again? I still don't understand how you do it."

Black Mage No. 127 "You basically have to turn them all on. You're just thinking too hard." "Let's go."

[They walk off screen. Regent Cid hops down to the room where the two black mages exited from. Inside the new room is a key on a cage with a Hedgehog Pie in it. At the back of the room is a set of scales, and the hourglass above it]

Regent Cid "That must be the key they were talking about ribbit!"

"Get the key! Press the O button to go forward."

[Mini-Game. Press O for Cid to walk forward and get the key, only when the Hedgehog Pie's back is turned. Eventually, Cid gets the key]

Ah yes, this dumb Red Light, Green Light minigame that I mentioned a few chapters ago in Lindblum, as I've said before, this is just more stupid padding, the Hedgehog Pie can't even hurt Cid since it's in a freaking cage, they'd rather put this filler in rather than focus on Zidane/Garnet or actually finish the Freya/Fratley subplot, or give some much needed expansion to Terra.

"You receive the Hourglass Key!"

[Cid hops over to the scales]

Regent Cid "I see a scale and some weights ribbit!" [Choose between "Examine the scales", "Examine the weights", "Put weights on the scales", or "Climb onto the scales". You have to choose "Put weights on the scales" eventually] "Hmm... Which should I use ribbit?" [Choose between "A, B, and C", "A, B, and D", "A, C, and D" or "B, C, and D". The fourth choice is the correct one, so, pick it. Cid places the weights on one at a time] "Now what ribbit?" [Choose between "Remove weight" or "Climb onto the scales". Choose the second]

[Cid jumps onto the scale, and then up to the hourglass]

Aren't Frogs known for jumping really high? Why does Cid need a scale to get a boost when he should be able to just jump right up to the hourglass?

Regent Cid "Just have to turn this upside-down ribbit!" [He flips a switch, going "ribbit!" in the process. The hourglass turns upside down] "Now, everyone should be alright ribbit!"

[Screen changes to outside everyone's rooms. Eiko, Vivi, Quina, and Dagger exit them]

Wait so reseting the hourglass also unlocks the cells? Why was it designed like that?

Eiko "I thought I was a goner!" "Thank goodness we made it!"

"Aha! You all made it ribbit!"

Eiko "!?"

[Cid hops on screen. Everyone runs up to him]

Eiko "Huh? You saved us?"

Regent Cid "And it wasn't easy, mind you...

Only because you couldn't just ignore a creature in a cage that can't even harm you.

Cid But we've no time to celebrate ribbit!" "I heard from two black mages ribbit that there's some kind of trap up ahead." "They said you basically just have to turn them all on, whatever that means ribbit. Let's hurry!"

Eiko "That's right! We can't just rely on Zidane!"

Who was even implying that? You certainly had to rely on Cid to get out of those cells despite the fact that you could have broken out using the Eidolons.

Eiko "We have to work together until Zidane gets back!" "We can do it if we stick together!"

[The characters nod their heads. Screen changes to just Eiko; she heads to the next screen. The words "Desert Palace" appear on the screen]

[Eiko makes her way through the Desert Palace, lighting candles and collecting bloodstones. She eventually climbs a set of stairs, about the light the final candle, before stopping. A voice is heard]

I would also like to point out that there is a library in the Desert Palace, keep that in mind because it ties into what I have to say about how it makes no sense that Kuja didn't have much knowledge of Trance.

"Intruder alert. Defense system activated." "Initializing automatic countermeasures. Transferring from observation to attack mode."

Eiko "Huh? That's not Kuja's voice!" "Who's there!? Come out and show yourself!"

[Boss Battle vs. Valia Pira. The more bloodstones you got, the less enhancements it has. After it's defeated, Eiko lights the final candle; a part of the stairs begins to glow, and she walks onto it. She teleports away, as the screen fades to black]

"Meanwhile..."

[Screen fades back outside the Desert Palace. The Hilda Garde 1 has landed, and Zidane is on its deck]

Zidane "Finally made it back." "Well, no rest for the wicked! I gotta get movin'!"

[Zidane returns to the teleporter and reappears at a teleporter outside of Kuja's room]

Zidane "What the... Where are we now?" "Did I take a wrong turn?"

"Welcome back... I'm inside the room past the stairs." "But I want you to come alone, Zidane. Alone."

Steiner "Zidane, it is surely a trap! Proceed with caution!"

Freya "He's the worst scum alive. Zidane, go with caution!"

Zidane "Yeah, tell me about it." "I'll be okay! You guys just wait here."

Amarant "Don't trust anything he tells you!"

And again parting remarks, from which I want to turn the tables. Thank you Freya, I "totally" didn't freaking know that Kuja is a bastard and that "you have to be careful". And Amarant telling him not to believe Kuja is just amazing. Considering that Amarant himself had his whole life derailed, because Zidane himself screwed him, and that Amarant does not actually support this monkey, but simply goes for the company.

Seriously, the screenwriter was "working hard".

Skipping ahead.

[Screen fades to black. The next one shows everyone running into Kuja's room; the last person, Eiko, has the doors suddenly slamming in her face; in other words, she's the only one not in Kuja's room]

Eiko "Aaa!" "What the heck!?"

[She turns around and looks around. Zorn and Thorn come up from behind her. The screen fades to black, and resumes inside of Kuja's room]

So Kuja's, Zorn's and Thorn's plan relied entirely on Eiko just happening to be the last one to try and go through?

Kuja "Now, give me the Gulug Stone..."

Zidane "You bastard! You're the worst scum alive!"

Don't you have a much better "reason you suck speech"/"break him by talking" to give to Kuja, Zidane?

Kuja "Yawn I grow weary of your tantrums."

Don't throw rocks from glass houses Kuja, since your whole motivation amounts to being a spoiled man-child with special snowflake syndrome having a tantrum.

Kuja "Well, will you hand it over or not?"

Vivi "Don't give it to him, Zidane!"

[Everyone, except Eiko and Reget Cid, runs in]

Zidane "Huh!? So, who's inside this cage?"

Kuja "Oh dear, I wasn't expecting this. That's right, the ones inside are fake!" "But don't think you've won yet."

How the heck did Kuja make perfect fake dolls of those party members? He could have just had the real ones in that cage instead of letting them easily escape and mess up the building.

Zidane "What do you mean by that?"

Kuja "Hehehe..."

Eiko "Aaa! Leave me alone!"

Why don't you just sick some Eidolons on those two clowns, Eiko?

Zidane "Eiko!"

Cid "Rrrrribbit! I'll protect you!"

Zorn and Thorn "What a freak! This frog can speak!" "Frog that goes squish, you'll make a fine dish!"

Thanks for the god-awful puns.

Cid "...Ungph!..." "..." "...R-Ribbit..."

Zidane "Aw, man..."

This line makes it sound like Zidane is more mildly annoyed than tense.

[Kuja lifts his hand. It shines blue]

Zidane "Hey!"

[Kuja uses his power to bring the Gulug Stone to his hand]

Why didn't he just do this as soon as Zidane got into room with the stone instead of wasting time with that whole pointless "fake dolls" trick?

Kuja "I wanted to finish you off after getting the Gulug Stone and killing all your friends..." "Instead, I'll just take the girl." "I hope we meet again."

You do realize that that would have included killing the girl before that you are taking for her Eidolons, right Kuja?

[Kuja turns around and goes on a teleporter, teleporting away. Zidane runs to it but he's too late]

Zidane "Arrg! It won't respond."

Freya "He plans to flee on the Hilda Garde!"

Zidane "Let's get him!"

[Zidane returns to the screen with the Hilda Garde. It's gone. He goes to the next screen]

Wait, if the teleporter Kuja escaped through stopped working for Zidane, why would the other one leading out to the cave opening still be working?

Zidane "Dammit! He got away!"

Regent Cid "We can still follow him on the Blue Narciss!"

Zidane "Great minds think alike!" "Let's go, people!

[Everyone nods. Zidane descends a ladder and exits the screen. The scene changes to the World Map, as the Hilda Garde 1 flies through the air...then, soaring through the sea is the Blue Narciss, following it at a safe distance.]

After Kuja flew away in an airship, the party leaves the castle, walked through the entire desert for half a continent to their ship, spread the sails and ... oh. It turns out that Kuja hasn't flown anywhere in all this time. And when he flew, he did not even try to fly around any obstacle in order to get rid of the pursuers.

[The words "Lost Continent" appear on the screen, as the Hilda Garde 1 passes over a continent. The screen then changes to on the deck of the Blue Narciss]

Why is it called the "LOST" Continent? What about it is lost? Especially since there is a settlement here called Esto Gaza and that people from the Mist Continent have been here to the point that there is even a freaking tourist attraction.

The remaining half of the world is a "forgotten" continent and a "lost" continent. Feel the difference? The continental naming at this point just becomes lazy.

Blank "He headed toward some weird-looking structure."

Freya "Is there something beyond there...?"

Zidane "What the hell is Kuja up to...? Why did he take Eiko?"

Regent Cid "His motives seem unclear ribbit... That girl can summon eidolons, too ribbit?"

Zidane "Yeah." "That's it! He's probably after her for the same reason he was after Dagger!"

Then why did he try to kill her back when he set the trap doors in her cell to open up over that lava? He wouldn't have been able to get the Eidolons then. Also why didn't he set up an extraction circle in the palace or even on the airship to extracted the Eidolons while Zidane was pre-occupied instead of heading all the way to Mount Gulug to do this?

Dagger "..."

Zidane "Don't worry, Dagger... We're not gonna let him have his way." "Kuja's got a lot to answer for."

Thank you for stating the obvious, Zidane.

[Screen changes back to the World Map. The Blue Narciss is parked on a beach of the Lost Continent. Zidane and company head towards the "weird-looking structure"]

End of Chapter 21.