(Failing at) Keeping The kids in line.
"HOLY SHIT!" Lynn gasped, shaken as a laser half roasted the wall paper behind her.
"Buh!" Replied the glowing eyed experimental human-CLASSIFED admixture infant, street name; Lulu Loud.
"Lynn!" Leni protested. "Language! You'll teach them the bad words!"
"Oh right!" Lynn snapped. "I don't know how I forgot, I guess I was just DISTRACTED BY THE FUCKING EYE LAZERS TRYING TO MELT MY HEAD!"
"Judging from scorch mark depth, Lulu is using non-lethal force," Lisa pushed up her glasses, before ducking behind the couch to continue. "Nothing I couldn't fix with a dermal regeneration solution, please don't be so dramatic."
The siblings three were currently in the living room of the Loud House, having come an hour earlier to assist their brother in babysitting duty. Rita and Lynn Loud Sr needed to go out for the many groceries required for the assorted progeny they housed on behalf of their children, and while their sole son was capable enough on most days a near two dozen squalling infants required more than two hands were capable of.
Thus Lisa, Lynn and Leni had been called in. While normally assorted the progeny would split their time in between the Loud House and their many mother's residences as per availability (Luna's band was often on tour, so Lyra would spend more time there than average for example), so that there would usually only be a comparatively merciful 'mere' ten or less spawn to track; this week the assorted Loud sisters almost all had professional or familial obligations that lead them to drop their children off at their old house at once.
This was a disaster, the Grandparents had lasted only a day before demanding assistance from their daughters. Unfortunately only Lisa, Lynn and Leni were in a position to help, so down they went. Sadly the supplies were apparently in such short supply that the Grandparents had to leave before the three arrived, and in the time that Lincoln was alone…
They had come to see a disaster in the making, the moment they stepped into the front door they spotted Lincoln in his now usual getup. It was mostly a sort of canvas smock, or poncho depending on how low it was dragged that day, pock marked and stained with bodily fluids there were assorted small but strong harnesses attached to every inch of space on the front. On his back was a backpack filled with assorted diapers, minor supplies, semi-warm formula milk in thermal jugs and probably more than one of Lynn's old weights to counter the human weight from the front.
For those harnesses were filled with at least a dozen wiggling toddlers and slightly younger infants, barely spaced apart enough to avoid them smacking each other. Now however more than one of those harnesses were empty, but their previous occupants weren't far. Lulu was presently curled around Lincoln's left hand, not being held but firmly squeezing herself on the outside to keep a grip. On his left shoulder sat Lucy's white haired spawn, seeming to giggle at the madness and on his right was little Lacy happily babbling nonsense. Upon his head was Lyra, Luna's child maintaining her precarious position by twisting her tiny fingers into the man's signature white hair and pointing at the three adults like a lookout with her free hand.
"BUH!" She declared.
"BA- MA-MA!" Lacy noticed her mother and gave a clumsy wave, before grabbing at Lincoln's neck to steady herself.
"DU DA KA KA!" Lupa laughed and tugged at Lincoln's earlobe. Like an automaton the blank faced man turned to match empty eyes with Lynn's, and upon a growl from Lulu raised his infant bearing arm to level the mutant at Lynn's face.
"Aw beans," the athlete groaned, then she jerked just in time to avoid another beam. She started half sprinting, half parkouring around the living room as the shots continued, barely dodging burns of heavens only knows what degree by inches.
"LUKA NO BOOBOO MAMA!" Lacy protested, and started climbing over to her sister's shoulder.
"GOOD GIRL LACY!" A still un-winded (because she was Lynn Loud Jr) Jock cheered, "girls grab him now!"
Lisa and Leni quickly darted forward, Leni grabbing both of Lincoln's arms to stop him from aiming his 'gun'. "Linky stop!"
Lisa quckly grabbed her progeny, and pulled her away from her father's arm, thus disarming him. The mutant squirmed for a moment, then turned to look at her mother and 'smiled' to reveal her many jawed 'happy face'.
"Yes S-12, I'm pleased to see you are reasonably healthy as well." Lisa dryly remarked.
"Oh is she alright? I'm so happy to hear that- SHE TRIED TO LASER ME IN THE FACE LEESE!" Lynn griped as she stalked over. "And don't think you're getting out of this either Stincoln! Seriously what the fuck!?"
"Her previous records indicate that she can melt steel beams in seconds," Lisa countered, the squirming infant letting out inhumanly high pitched giggles as her mother flipped her to cradle Lulu to her chest. "It is far more likely that she was 'playing.' "
"Playing? Seriously Leese," Lynn pinched her nose. "And how come Mr Mom here thought that shooting me in the head was a good idea, hunh Link!?" She turned glared at Lincoln, who did not respond.
"Nargh nah!" Lupa and Lacy were pulling at each other, so Leni quickly grabbed both from the man's shoulder and started rocking them before a tantrum erupted. Lyra remained on top of his head, but pouted at the adults. Lincoln…
Lincoln was dead eyed, with dark patches under his blue bloodshot orbs that could have been mistaken for mascara. He did not blink, he barely breathed, but when Little Lyra tapped his head in frustration his upper left eyelid slipped down for a moment, then slowly pulled itself back up again.
"… Damn Lincoln, did you catch something?" Lynn relented.
Lisa marched forwards and flashed a pen light into one of his eyes with her free hand, then checked some of his other responses. "His reactions are more in line with extreme sleep deprivation than an illness."
"Dude seems like he needs more than a nap Leese," Lynn shook her head.
"Can you hear us Linky?" Leni asked to no response.
"This is not entirely an unexpected result, though the full extent certainly is," Lisa began pacing. "Our brother has been the primary caretaker of the subjects-"
"Our kids Lisa." Lynn growled, and then gently plucked Lacy from Leni's arm to show her the spawn in demonstration. Lacy smiled and waved at her aunt. "They're our kids, not test subjects!"
"I see no reason why they cannot achieve both roles," Lisa countered.
"Damnit Leese-"
The scientist cut her off. "Regardless; our brother has been acting as the primarily caretaker of the many members of our next generation, street name; The Sin Kids."
"I fucking hate that name," Lynn groused.
"It's not nice…" Leni sighed, little Lupa seemed to smirk.
Lisa ignored them, "during these past months he has barely left this household, street name; The Loud House, also recently dubbed by Luan as 'Baby Jail' . While Lincoln has had assistance from other members of the family, including the invaluable expertise of myself, he has also remained the sole continuous caretaker of over a dozen infants at any one time. Across this period I have observed both the standard sleep deprivation suffered by new parents in this period, as well as a remarkable improvement in domestic skills that has extended to an impressive somnambulistic ability to perform said tasks without a pause in his sleep cycle."
Lynn blinked.
Lisa sighed: "he does chores in his sleep, it is how he is able to change, feed and care in general for so many infants at once. But it may have also contributed to this situation;
If I were to hypothesise the cause and sequence of these events, I would assume that the recent rapid increase in the amount of infants in the house at the same time has cut down on the few hours of genuine rest that he previously still had. This would make him highly suggestible, or even 'trainable' if one were inclined to alter his patterns while he was in a semi-conscious state, which he would have been due to the sheer strain of so many domestic tasks.
Coupling that with the tendency towards rapid development within our family unit, and the observed actions of our progeny, specifically Subjects-"
"Use. Their. Names." Lynn glared.
Lisa rolled her eyes, "specifically Lupa and Lacy, I would assume that they have learnt how to manipulate our brother's semi-comatose state to perform minor tasks on their behalf. Upon observing our own Parental Units departure they sought to take advantage of their absence for some purpose of their own, and were startled when we unexpectedly interrupted them with our arrival."
Leni tilted her head in confusion.
"They were piloting him like one of Lincoln's own fictional giant robots while he sleepwalks." Lisa simplified. "They were surprised when we caught them."
"Now see that would have been way easier to understand if you just said that from the start," Lynn squeezed Lacy a bit closer to her, earning another happy coo. "But why though?"
"If I were to guess, that." Lisa pointed to the kitchen, where a number of cupboards lay empty. While most of them would have been bare simply because of the rapid use of supplies, there was one that still should have had at least one object inside. Said object was a large glass cookie jar that had been the objective of many escapades of the Loud Siblings in their younger years, and now sat on it's side, stuffed closed not with the thick cork cap but by a wiggling toddler. Their back half still trying to find purchase on the smooth floor to dig in further, but confounded by the lack of traction offered by their woollen onesie-clad feet.
Lynn facepalmed with her free hand, dropped a slightly clingy Lacy back into Leni's arms and marched over to the infant-in-a-jar. Freshly out of today's fucks supply she grabbed the jar with one hand and pulled a blonde spawn free by her legs with the other.
Suspended in mid air was a slightly embarrassed Loan Loud, bearing a half-eaten mint-chocolate chip cookie in one hand. The infant shyly offered Lynn her treat.
"Yeah, it's gonna take more than that to bribe me," Lynn marched over to her siblings and dropped Lori's spawn on the couch, a quick look in the jar revealed that the other treats looked unmolested. Shrugging she promptly grabbed one and stuffed it into Lincoln's slightly open mouth.
"Sorry for leaving you like this Lincoln."
The white haired man didn't reply, but the cookie moved slightly as his mouth moved on autopilot to start chewing. She thought his eyes brightened slightly though.
"So Linky's really needs some help then?" Leni asked, her voice sad as she took in his state. Even now there were a bunch of infants strapped to him, most with some crumbs on them and the clear beginnings of sugar highs in their eyes. "We should have been here with him…"
"We all have professional commitments that assist the household," Lisa pushed her glasses up to avoid Lulu's grasping 'finger'. "As well as personal matters outside of it, perhaps we should have been better prepared but this was hardly malicious on our part."
"Shouldn't you have prepared for this?" Lynn folded her arms, dropping down next to Loan. "You did plan this."
"I did not anticipate just how effective my invention would be," Lisa shrugged. "The burden of an overachiever, but my initial assumption would be that the children would come in batches, years apart most likely-"
Lynn snorted, "how the fuck did you expect-"
"The others have used the machine multiple times despite knowing of the danger, I anticipated as such." Lisa primly countered. "In my scenario however I expected to mete out the pregnancies over a decade, however I failed to consider the probability of each conception occurring in the same approximate period of time."
"So they all came at once, and you weren't ready?" Leni asked, just to make sure she followed.
"That is the core of the matter," Lisa confirmed. "Though I must point out that largely the 'Lincoln solution' has largely worked as expected, it was only because of the unfortunate coincidence of so many simultaneous professional events that forced the extreme situation of so many infants requiring care at once."
"Dang it," Lynn sighed, and then quickly grabbed Loan as she tried to sneak away. "I guess we've been kinda letting Linc carry this on his own anyway."
Lincoln did not reply. His cookie was slowly disappearing though.
"Indeed, I had anticipated that even in a worst case scenario that Ms Sharp as well as other familial romantic partners and friends would be on hand to relieve the pressure. However that was not the case for this week." Lisa pulled a phone from her coat, "given our situation, it is unwise to call in true outsiders. But I may have some personal contacts that I could make use of while our brother is resting."
"I think some friends owe me a few favours too," Lynn reached for her own phone.
"Are we going to give Linky a nap then?" Leni asked, sitting down next to Loan, letting Lupa and Lacy have a slightly looser grip. "He really looks like he needs one."
"Indeed," Lisa confirmed. "Does anyone have the number of Ms Santiago?"
"I think Ronnie's not in this anymore," Lynn shook her head. "She got really… weird the last time she was here."
Lisa arched eyebrow.
Lynn shuddered, "look, she went from being really pissed off at Linc for all of this, then she sorta smouldered a bit; then finally she came along and started asking him if he was gonna knock up anyone else. But not like to remind him of a fuckup, but in a creepy way, like with big eyes and everything…"
Lisa paused her dialling for a moment. "I have my suspicions of her intentions, but I believe that she would be an acceptable substitute should we have need of more assistants."
"I think Ronnie's jealous of all the babies," Leni thought aloud. "But we have so many, Linky can't really have any more, he's so tired already!"
"An accurate assessment," Lisa prepared to dial. "But I'm certain that she would respect his boundaries."
"You mean like you didn't?" Lynn snarked.
"I mean like no one in this family does," Lisa glared down. "Or have you forgotten your own many egregious exceptions to his desires?"
"Whaddya mean Einstein?" Lynn growled. "I didn't steal his jizz to make a million kids!"
"No, you merely helped him into a Squirrel Suit." Lisa snapped, then found herself on the ground as a classic Dust Cloud Brawl began. Leni gasped then joined in on instinct, still not sure whose side she was on but old instincts demanding that she get involved.
To their side Lincoln finally finished his cookie, and bit his tongue. The pain startled him a bit, and her blinked once to see the cloud of chaos, blinked again to see Loan, Lacy, Lupa and a freshly dropped but fine Lulu reacting to the madness in various states from fear to a babyish cheering. He mechanically felt around for the last missing Loud, found her on his head and plucked her from it without care for the pulled strands between her fingers or her whinging protests, then gathered up the assorted tots, strapped them back into the harness and made his way to the kitchen for feeding time.
His parents could deal with their kids, he had enough trouble dealing with his own.
Trouble that would soon multiply exponentially.
Two Weeks earlier:
"Honey are you sure you and Lincoln can manage on your own?" Rita asked her daughter with a doubtful tone, "It's lovely that you're arranging a night off for us but Lincoln still hasn't said a word all evening."
"I assure you maternal parental unit, he will be fine." Lisa reassured her, the only sign of deceit a slight twitch in the corner of her lips. "The others will arrive shortly after you leave."
"Well if you say so," Rita's voice betrayed her doubt. "But be sure to call us if-"
"Honeyshesaidit'sfine," Lynn Sr grabbed his wife and half dragged her out the door. "Let'sgobeforeshechangeshermind!"
"Lynn let me-" The door slammed before she could finish and moments later the familiar sound of Vanzillla rapidly escaping came from the garage.
Lisa waited a minute, the dead eyed man next to her still wordless. Unusually for him there were no children nearby, though he had one of the stuffed Rabbit toys that littered the house rocking in his arms. Lisa had given it to him to stop him from instinctively seeking out of the many infants currently in her sleep inducing pods.
"BZZT!" There was a crackling sound as the ancient doorbell zapped a victim, the yelp identified said victim as Ronnie Anne Santiago.
Lisa rolled her eyes and moved to let her in.
"Dang it, still falling for that after all these years," Ronnie muttered as she clenched her twitching fingers. "Thanks Lisa, is Linc ready for tonight?"
"Certainly, just try to keep it down this time."
"So where is he?" Sid Chang popped up from behind Ronnie, "I can't wait to see if he lives up to the- aww that's cute! He has a bunny!"
"I take it Ms Chang will be joining us this evening?" Lisa pushed the door closed behind the women.
Ronnie rolled her eyes; "yeah, I mean we're not technically together anymore so it's 'fine' and she gets annoying if-"
"How come he looks dead inside Ronnie?" Sid looked up into Lincoln's face.
"He's a parent, that's normal," Ronnie sighed. "Look, let's just get up to his room and-"
"Hey what's that word he likes? Lamey, Loser-O?" Sid wondered aloud.
"Sid NO!" Ronnie's went to grab the other woman.
"Oh right, Lame-O!" Sid grinned, then let the smile drop a bit as she suddenly found herself on the Loud couch with her newly bare legs in the air. Lincoln's eyes were as empty as before, but his tongue extended to her shy privates without mercy, bending to make a slight but distinct upwards hook at the wet tip.
"Hey you're pretty fast there," Sid chuckled nervously, "Ronnie is this normal- ohhh- EEEP! Oh gravy! OH GRAVY!"
"I see he's learned a few tricks since last time," Ronnie dryly observed, letting her hand fall and raising her voice over Sid's rapidly increasing 'happy sounds'.
"Indeed, his skill set seems to be have rapidly expanded upon exposure to multiple-"
"I don't wanna know who else Lisa," Ronnie shook her head. "I'm just glad that he and I got something out of this mess."
"Indeed." Lisa's lip twitched again.