Starting the Marathon

"Uhhhh," Gloom groaned, tears forming in her eyes as she sourly stared up in her cot. The infant wasn't much for words, not even having made it past her first year yet. Thus it was up to her beleaguered parent to try and figure out what her various sounds meant.

Of course, today she was up on her usual parent count.

"Why hello there Gloomy, are we having a bit of tummy trouble?" Her father softly spoke as he reached down to unbutton the onesie from the back. The girl whimpered as he drew her up to get at the button behind her neck but kept to sniffles as he drew her clothing down, freeing her arms and baring her chest.

"She gets like this after a feeding," Maggie sighed. "Not always, but when it happens nothing helps."

Lincoln hummed as he nodded along, and gently pressed a finger into the infant's firm stomach. "She feels like she's got a bit of wind in her."

"That's what my Mom said too," the woman frowned. "We've tried a lot, but it's like she gets plugged up inside- what are you doing?"

Lincoln finished gently pulling off the onesie from Gloom's legs. "Just trying something."

He unclipped the clean nappy from the unusually sour-faced infant, baring her fully to the world before gently grasping both of her lower legs with his hands. Slowly, but firmly he lifted the right foot so that it pointed at the ceiling- much to Glooms displeasure as the pressure in her tummy increased.

"Mhhh," the infant whimpered.

"Just a little more…." Lincoln pushed the right leg further by a centimetre-

"FPPPRT."

The wet fart echoed through the room, startling Maggie as Gloom giggled in relief.

"Well you sure were backed up weren't you?" Lincoln sighed as he regarded his newly ruined orange shirt. "Well no harm in it now."

He drew the leg back, then pushed forward again- and like a very silly slot machine another absurdly loud (if less so than the original) fart emitted from the little body.

"This is something my Mom taught me," he looked over his shoulder to explain. "It's just a little thing that sometimes works if they're gassy."

"I think we tried something like it," Maggie observed his hands. "But she just cried when we did it."

"It depends on a few things, sometimes it just doesn't work." Lincoln shrugged as he continued his gentle motions- working out the wind from the infant with firm motions. "But as long you don't push too far in at once or too fast it's not going to hurt them- you wanna try?"

Maggie stared at the 'interesting' brown-black pattern on the man's chest. "No, I think I'll just 'observe your technique'."

"Fair enough," the man stared at the now happy girl blabbing nonsense and issuing giggles with every fart.

"Fppprt!" Her butt delivered.

"Wow, you know I thought Luna's were going to be the musicians. But here you've gone and mastered the butt-tuba before either of them!" Lincoln continued to work the little leg back and forth until Gloom's little 'performance' issued no more notes.

A troublesome infant coupled with clothing covered in faecal matter at eight in the morning; if Lincoln Loud had been missing his usual schedule then he'd certainly managed to recreate it.

"Could you get me some baby wipes?"

"So, how long are you here for?" Lincoln queried as the now properly dressed woman finished packing Gloom into her car seat. "I've got a few-"

"I'm checking out today," Maggie bluntly replied. "Once I get the shot I'm going up to Canada, all the way up to the NorthWestern Territories for two weeks.'"

"Oh…" Lincoln deflated. "I see."

Maggie paused, then turned to him with a slight softening of her usual no-nonsense expression. "Sorry Loud, last night was fun but I can't take time off work. I'd let you catch up with Gloom but-"

"I'm still banned from Canada…" Lincoln sighed.

"Yea- wait what?" Maggie raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing" he distracted. "I mean, the only other option for that would obviously be leaving her with me and a hotel isn't really good for a baby." He imagined caring for Gloom alone for two weeks. Honestly he could probably handle it (especially with the creche open), but he doubted Maggie would want to be separated for that long. "I understand."

The woman looked at him for a moment, but apparently decided to go along with his story. She hesitantly reached over. "Thanks. But Loud?"

"Yeah?"

"It's just a thought," the woman nodded to his now clean shirt. "But If you're missing your kids enough that you don't mind cleaning their shit, maybe you should go see them."

Lincoln raised an eyebrow. "… I can still take Gloom if that's what-"

"I meant go down to town and visit them." Maggie clarified. "Seriously; what else are you doing up here?"

"I thought I explained this," Lincoln sighed. "Most of their moms don't even live in Royal Woods anymore- if I tried to make a day to go see them all-"

"I don't mean organise some big meetup," Maggie explained. "I mean, why don't you go and see each one at a time?"

"One at a time?" Lincoln ran the thought through his mind again. "I could maybe do that for some of the ones in Royal Woods- but it'd only be a few hours long."

"Why?"

"I don't have a car anymore," the man opened his arms to the lot of cars as if to indicate the absence of his own. "And none of the girls have space for me- so I'd have to take the bus there, spend maybe three or four hours there and then just come back here to sleep and do it all over again the next day."

Maggie seemed to think for a moment. "… Doesn't your family still use that rust bucket?"

"You mean Vanzilla?" Maggie nodded in confirmation. "Yeah, we need it for carting around the kids."

"You said your parents were in Europe right?" Maggie thought. "I'm guessing they didn't take it with them?"

Lincoln's mind stretched back for the details. "… No, no, Lisa got them a full package so they're on a cruise. I think Lana's got it while the house is being fixed."

"Well do you think they'd mind if you borrowed it?" Maggie pointedly ignored the now bored Gloom tugging at her arm. "If you really wanted to, you could probably sleep in that while you're visiting. Maybe you could go see some of your other kids too."

Lincoln turned the idea over in his mind… "yeah… yeah! That might just work!" He declared with excitement; "I could make a road trip of it- I could even go to Great Lakes and New York!"

"Sounds like a plan to me," Maggie gave him a little smile. "I bet those kids would love see their Dad too."

"I can see all of them!" Lincoln rambled. "Maybe I could even catch up to Luna's band- if she's gotten over her thing anyway- this could actually work!" He suddenly reached forward and hugged the surprised woman who froze- "thank you Maggie!- oh sorry-"

She relaxed and surprisingly hugged him back. "Don't worry about it Loud, just go let those kids of yours know how much you care."

Lincoln held onto her body's warmth for a bit longer, then let her go. Gloom gave him a spitty 'kiss' (or maybe just drooled on him) when he hugged her goodbye and might have waved at him as her mother started the car. He stood there in the cold morning air as the engine started up and took the Maggie and their child first from the hotel parking lot, then into the distance towards Canada.

Then they were gone, leaving Lincoln with only memories and a plan.

And a need for transport.

"…So I'm going to meet up with Lana, then go and see everyone I can," the white haired Man dipped his fry into his sauce.

Clyde McBride regarded his old friend skeptically. It had been many years since the once gangly boy had accepted his friend's many schemes probable success at face value, and for good reason. "And the girls are aware of this?"

"I'll be giving them a heads up-" Lincoln swallowed his fry. "It's not like I'm just gonna drop in on them unannounced."

"Hmm," Clyde narrowed his eyes. Between the two, Lincoln was one who had changed the least, while he had certainly grown up under his trademark orange shirt, the 'man with a plan' had retained his knack for getting into weird situations and finding even stranger solutions- and it was a coin toss if said solution worked or made things far, far worse. Clyde meanwhile had come to appreciate the value of a steady, if slower and less interesting rise to success.

Now, sitting across from the man the differences in their life choices seemed clear. Clyde sat with a well muscled body under a clean, if unimpressive suit. The very picture of a young professional getting on with his life if not for the location. Lincoln meanwhile retained his casual white long sleeved shirt and the traffic cone orange short sleeve buttoned up one on top of it- he practically looked the same as he did when they were in college.

The fact they were eating at a Woofers of all places again didn't help any pretences of maturity.

"So, when did you decide on this?" Clyde drank down his sweetened coffee. "Because we met up what, two days ago and you didn't seem to be planning some cross-country trip then?"

"With Maggie this morning," Lincoln asserted. "I called up Lana just after she left and-"

"Wait!" Clyde halted him with a hand, then turned said hand to a point at him. "… What exactly did you and Miss Dark and Mysterious do last night?"

Lincoln flushed. "We just talked."

"Just talked?"

"Yep, just talked." Lincoln pointedly started drinking down his soda. "That's all."

Clyde leaned back. "You, met up with a highly attractive woman, who has not only slept with you before-"

"Would pointing out that I didn't get a choice-"

"- but has a kid with you," Clyde pointedly ignored him. "Spent the night with her- and you're telling me you just talked all night long?"

Lincoln sighed. "Look, you remember that troll from the when the comic was running?"

"Sicko69?" Clyde nodded.

"Sicko68 actually- don't ask me why she didn't go for that low hanging fruit-"

"She? How would you know-" Clyde paused as his mind put the pieces together. "… No."

"Yes," Lincoln put his drink down. "Turns out that 'That Prick' was actually 'This Bitch' all along."

"And Maggie- dang, she doesn't seem the type." Clyde went back to forking through his salad.

"You never can tell," Lincoln shook his head. "Luan mentioned that she had a 'fun side', but-"

"But did you see her 'fun side'?" Clyde refocused. "Come on Linc- you're not getting of it that easy."

"… Look Clyde; she's a frigging shipper," Lincoln face soured. "It was like going to a con- except there wasn't any security to pull the creepy fangirls off. I spend the entire time just trying to block out an essay on why Mayhem and Magician were clearly 'butt buddies'-"

"You know, I can see it-"

"Maggie being a secret shipper or 'Maghem' being a thing?"

"Yes."

"Damn you Clyde."

The other man chuckled, "you can't deny that the two had chemistry-"

"Excuse me?" A woman with short hair and a winning smile interrupted them- bearing desserts. "Apple pie and a chocolate mousse?"

"Pie for me, mousse for him," Lincoln nodded over to Clyde. The cute blonde in booty shorts pointedly dipped down as she delivered the desserts, letting Lincoln get a good look at the swell of her buttocks before rising back up and flashing them a flirty grin. "You boys let us know if you want anything else okay?"

"Sure.." Lincoln nodded, and watched her practically sashay away.

"… Lincoln?"

"Yeah?"

"Lincoln, you know that's a guy right?"

"…" Lincoln froze, and a quick glance up revealed that indeed- the server was wearing the male version of the revealing outfit the restaurant chain used. Woofers was a progressive company after all; since gay men and straight girls both had money to burn for their 'not porn', the board had long since embraced the idea of equality in their fanservice. "Dang it- it's always a trap-"

"I mean it's fine if you're-"

"I'm not gay." Lincoln groaned.

"I'm pretty sure that the whole futa thing-"

"Luna lost this argument too."

"That's not what I heard-"

"Well you heard wrong," Lincoln insisted. "And just for the record: futa is not gay!"

Clyde stared at him.

"It's not!"

Clyde continued staring at him.

"… Oh what would you know-"

"I have two Dads." The long-suffering man sighed. "I'm pretty sure I've got a good idea what's gay what's not. And my man; a futa is just a trap without any balls."

"Shut up Clyde." Lincoln huffed.

"Whatever you say Linc," Clyde rolled his eyes and continued eating his salad. "I didn't drive you from the middle of nowhere just to listen to you go into denial again. Just when is Lana supposed to come pick you up anyway?"

Lincoln checked his watch. "I'm meeting her in half an hour- but she has kids so she could be hours late."

"I hear you," Clyde nodded. "Little kids are killers on schedules- half the shift swaps in my team are because someone's kid got sick or something. But seriously; you're going all in on this?"

"Yep," Lincoln leaned back and threw his last curly chip into his mouth. "I've got over a month of nothing to do. Lana's got Vanzilla working again and most of the girls should be fine with it as long as I give them time to prepare- the worst that could happen is that I'd have to spend a few weeks in Vanzilla if the hotel wouldn't take me back or something. And hey; it's not like I'm not used to traveling in a car-"

"Yeah; I was there for some of that." Clyde winced in memories. "Can't say I miss it."

"Well you left before the fun stuff started," Lincoln shrugged, and drifted away into his own memories. "I don't think there's a state I haven't been to-"

"Lincoln; you had to travel." Clyde reminded him. "You had an arts degree in a recession. You practically lived in your car and chased odd jobs until now.

That doesn't sound like fun to me."

Lincoln grimaced as not-so-nice memories of cramped living in an eternally sour smelling car and hard labour from an endless march of casual jobs popped his nostalgia bubble. "Yeah well, I made a living and I paid off my student loans. How many art majors can say that?"

Clyde shook his head, "still should 'a gone STEM man…"

Lincoln sourly ignored him. True; the greatest extent of his hard won art skills were his now defunct webcomic, but before all this started he was well on his way to establishing a presence- a online persona and following to be leveraged into something more. Sure; Clyde's field was more stable, but if Lincoln had kept working at it, he was sure he would have-

"Hey Linc!" He found himself nudged by the other man, "quit moping- I think your sister's here!"

"Hunh?" Lincoln blinked, "we're supposed to meet at the park though-".

But whatever plans he had fell from his mind when pulled himself up to see one Lana Loud approaching the Royal Wood's Woofers. Vanzilla's long faded colours stood out behind her in the parking lot. Within the ancient vehicle, two little blonde girls waited with their usual 'enthusiasm'.

"Well… would you look at that" he said to himself with a smile. "Look's like we're about to start before schedule after all."