Interlude: Taking A Seat

Lincoln Loud was a busy man.

Throughout his life, time had been in short supply. As a child he had been practically passed between family members for various tasks and trials that he approached with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

As a young man he had spent his teenage and college years desperately studying to prove that he was the equal of his effortlessly talented sisters, and working whatever odd jobs an arts student could get to cover the tuition his own cash strapped parents were nowhere near capable of covering.

Then as a graduate- he had rapidly discovered that connections meant more than talent and narrowly avoided the minimum wage fate of many of his peers by striking out in his cheap (and only semi-legal) car to find whatever work he could to cover his relatively meagre living costs while still having enough time to build a profile through his online work. Hoping to either get noticed, or grow enough of a fanbase on his own to become some one-in-a-million-success story like his sisters.

The reality of survivorship bias behind his idols success stories and making his own way without his sister's prodigal talent quickly struck however, and it was only sheer stubbornness that had held him through those tough years of moving from place to place- with only Ronnie as an occasional companion. Granted he had had an 'interesting' time for those years, but he also nearly found himself in an Acid Barrel at least two times.

Now of course he had no time at all.

Every spare minute was occupied with caring for one child or another. Someone needed feeding. Someone was a due a change. Everyone wanted hugs and his arms could only hold so many and he didn't dare take his eyes off of any of them or they'd have to send Lulu to go find the escapee in the vents again.

But there was one brief respite in his busy schedule, one moment of peace to himself that no one could begrudge the beleaguered young man.

That moment was his daily shower.

Every parent knows that keeping clean a household of children is a hopeless task, be it through nappy changes, thrown food or the dreaded plague of sniffles that attacks little bodies like a pandemic every season. But a shower? A shower is more than about getting clean, it is about having a moment to yourself and after you get you get to feel human again for a whole minute.

And as Lincoln Loud gladly stepped into the old tub with its shower and make-do operating system, he was doubly grateful because this was his second such escape for the day.

It was breakfast time and the usual chaos had ensued. Plates were clinking, semi coherent babble was echoing and Lyra and Lemy were having their unending spat over… everything.

"You take strawberry!" Lyra growled, and tried to use her spoon to fish out a piece of Lemy's own fruit salad in compensation.

"Nu-uh," Lemy drew his bowl away, already empty of any of his preferred pink fruit. "You no see!"

"No need see!" Lyra jabbed at him with her spoon. "Strawberry gone!"

Lincoln looked over to the two, leaving Leia and Londey to ignore everyone else in favour of making little castles with their food. He couldn't say for sure who was stealing whose food this time, but his eyes spotted a bit of reddish discolouration combined from Lemy's clenched hand.

"Lemy?" Lincoln sighed as he came over. "Could you show me your hand?"

Lemy's eyes bulged, Luna's habitual silly expressions having been inherited or learnt by exposure no one could tell, and he looked away.

Lyra little eyes darted to his hand at her father's question and she growled at seeing the juice. "You squished it!"

"Nu-uh," he asserted, but as he clenched his little fingers more juice erupted from between them.

"Lemy…" Lincoln sighed and crouched down to look his son in the eyes. "Did you take Lyra's strawberry?"

Lemy's eyes darted around- looking for an escape. However, while Luna and Sam had recently returned to the Loud House, indeed having spent a week holidaying in Michigan with their kids (they even got to go to Dairyland…)- they had also only come in last night at two o'clock and were thus presently passed out upstairs. They were grown women with a liking for the finer things in life after all.

Like hard booze and sex. Let no one ever say that the two ever let marriage and children slow them down.

But the point was that Lemy had no help coming from them, and he knew it.

Evidently knowing the jig was up he had no choice but to-

Quickly stuff his mouth with whatever was in his right hand and swallow.

"Lemy…" Lincoln facepalmed.

The small boy smiled as if victorious and presented his now open hands as if they were proof of his innocence. "See, no Strawberry!"

They were practically shining with pinkish juice and there was a little pulp in between his fingers.

"You PIG!" Lyra shouted.

"No pig!" Lemy exclaimed. "You… um…"

"We see you eat Strawberry!" Lyra growled. "You dumb."

"No dumb!" Lemy protested. "You mean!"

And they were back to the usual back and forth.

"You greedy!"

Lincoln mentally prepared himself to separate the two, looking over to see who could help him separate the two- no. Everyone else was busy. It was down to Lincoln again.

"You… stupid!"

"PIG!" Lyra shouted again. "PIG! PIG! PIG!"

And like that it was time to separate the two before they started throwing things again

Lincoln's well practiced arm snaked forwards and grabbed Lemy by the handle, nonplussedly lifting him from his seat and stuffing the wriggling boy into one of his harnesses.

"Time for a time out Lemy," Lincoln tiredly admonished. "You know better than to steal each other's food. Again."

"Nghhh" Lemy teared up in frustration, and glared back at Lyra, before calling her a name he hadn't heard before. "FRONT BUTT!"

Lincoln felt the plate smack the side of his head- the remains of Lyra's fruity breakfast leaking down his face as the plastic bowl clattered to the floor. It honestly wasn't much of a problem unto itself, aside from the fact that Lyra was now utterly red with sour rage and probably wouldn't calm down for a while.

What was a problem was one little Lupa Loud spying the flying food. Not being one to let inspiration go to waste the little mischief maker promptly spooned up some of her own salad and flung it across the table.

The denizens of the dining table fell silent as the assorted fruit separated in mid air, and then pelted a variety of Loud siblings from both generations.

Lyle Loud blinked once, twice, as his pristine blonde hair that was so nice and freshly brushed by mommy was rendered sticky and gross by Lupa's gooey fruit chunks. His usually peaceful features twisted into a snarl and he threw a spoonful of fruit back towards the white haired spawn.

Liena joined him.

Then Lani, because why not?

And soon so did everyone else, all save the adults stated throwing fruit back and forth, gaining and losing targets as they became victim to friendly fire and missed shots. All the while Luna and Sam's twins hurled insults at each other and Lincoln quickly found himself soaked in fruity syrup.

Thus it was that shortly after having had his brief shower before donning his smock, he quickly found himself relieved of it so that it could begin a cycle in the wash. The kids were given an early bathtime (much to their displeasure) and at the end of it all Lincoln Loud was rewarded with the chance for a proper steamy soak since it would take a while for the smock to dry anyway.

The kids were currently being lectured by Lisa.

The potties were clean.

Even Sam and Luna had been roused from their hangovers to be adults for the morning by making sure the tempestuous twins didn't start another fight.

For the next half an hour Lincoln Loud could-

The bathroom door clicked as the old lock failed to hold, and four figures burst into the room. Lincoln was too tired to yelp and instead stared in annoyance at the source of suffering.

Specifically the pair of twins held one a piece to their parents.

"Luna… this was my sanctuary." He practically wheezed, clapping his hands over his naughty bits and looking his bag eyed big sister in the eye. "Why?"

"Sorry Linc, smartarse here," Luna indicated to the little boy sourly sulking in her hands. "Still wanted his breakfast, so he tried eating off the floor like a scrub an' now he's gone and shit 'imself."

Lemy was red with embarrassment, "Mom! I spew no poo!"

"Ya went at both ends." Luna shut him down, and true to her word the tot both bore bits of semi-digested meal down his front and a nasty odour that Lincoln's nose identified as sadly familiar human waste.

"Okay, but we've got more than one shower for the kids now," Lincoln exasperatedly reminded her. "And how come you brought Lyra as well-"

Lyra bore the same marks as Lemy.

"… She tried to eat it too didn't she?"

Lyra's face was red again; "Lemy no get more STRAWBERRY!"

Sam's eyes bore the faraway look borne by soldiers remembering the battlefield, or in this case a parent who wanted to forget. The words fell from her lips like she was sleep talking rather than recounting a memory though; "It didn't matter if someone stepped in it- they just sucked it up like vacuums…"

"Yeah, basically that," Luna titled her head towards her wife. "Thing is, once they started half of the rest did too so now the other showers 're filled up now to try an' clean 'em all- we tried to leave you outta it but we've gotta use this one too Linc."

Luna's eyes were apologetic, and Lincoln couldn't help but cave in. A smelly toddler could spread their stink to more places than was fair for their size.

"Fine," Lincoln sighed and stepped out of the shower/tub. "Just maybe knock next time?"

"Surethingwilldo- Sammie let's get 'em in!" Luna quickly stripped down the messy boy she bore while Sam did the same for her girl. Lincoln's nose wrinkled at the full extent of the mess induced by little tummies filled with dirty food had produced.

"Do you want me to go and get them a change?" Lincoln offered, since his shower was probably over now anyway.

"Sure- actually…" Luna looked over Lincoln, noting his nude state. "Since you're already here an' gettin' clean, could you help us wash the little buggers?"

Lincoln stared at his big sister, then pointedly looked at the kids. The twins were poking their tongues out at each other, Lyra was winning by a mile though because she had inherited Luna's ridiculously long tongue.

"Dude they're not even two," Luna flately replied. "They're not gonna care."

Lincoln looked towards Sam, who was visibly bag eyed.

"Okay, normally I'd care, but I just wanna get this done and go get coffee." Luna groaned. "It's not like she's not seen it anyway- just get down here and help dang it."

Luna's eyes were baggy, and red-rimmed. Her lips were pale and sick- and the smell coming from the two children probably weren't helping either.

Lincoln sighed and crouched down to assist in pulling the twins into the bath, initially keeping one hand to his crotch but rapidly giving up as he needed both hands to stop Lyra from wiggling away to do something to her brother (who was currently shoved under the shower). As one might expect his genitals promptly flopped down- the infamous 'log' swinging in sight of a now aghast Lyra, who stared in disgust at the prodigious penis.

"Ewww! Dad's hairy and got a willy!"

Just another day in the life.

Luna stifled a laugh. "Yeah, yeah he does."

Lemy instantly rushed out of the shower. "Not let Lyra touch!"

Lincoln blinked at the wriggling toddler in his hands, still applying a light grip to stop her from escaping, then turned to Sam and Luna with a clear question in his eyes.

"It's their new thing," Sam sighed, grabbing Lemy by the arms to drag him back under the shower while Luna soaped him up. "Lemy thinks girls have two butts for some reason-"

"Can see!" Lemy garbled through the water- pointing at Lyra's naughty bits. "Front butt-"

Luna started scrubbing his face- none too gently either.

"And Lyra hates it," the musical sister finished. "So she keeps on trying to pull Lemy's dick off to make 'em even. Funny the first time, lots'a cheap handy jokes. Not so sixteen times after. They promised they'd stop when we got home but you two are little liars ain't ya?"

Lyra stamped her little feet. "Lemy start it-"

"Un-uh, none'a that- you've got thirty minutes timeout already so don't go making it fourty!"

The toddler screwed up her face and stewed, clearly getting more agitated. Lincoln knew a problem when he saw one, and long trained instincts told him this would probably get worse the longer it went on. But as he leaned down to issue calming words Luna pulled Lemy from the shower, now nice and clean and ready to ruin it all again.

"Okay squirt, your turn." Luna pointed at the shower while Sam lifted the clean boy out for a toweling.

Lyra folded her arms and pouted.

Lincoln had had enough for one morning, and was sorely missing the shower anyway so he re-adjusted his grip and picked up the surprised toddler.

"Ah, nooo!" Lyra protested, looking up at him in betrayal as he stepped into the bath and approached the shower, "already clean!"

Apparently Lyra's definition of clean included vomit and faeces.

Hopefully she'd grow out of it. Like a lot of her current behaviour.

But either way, for now she'd have to accept Lincoln's definition of clean. Thus, the two stepped into the shower, Lincoln shuddering with pleasure for just a moment as the lukewarm water ran over him even as Lyra yowled in protest.

The water slicked their skin and started cleaning away the gross fluid that still clung to them both, warming up sore muscles ever so slightly and relaxing the man despite the source of frustration in his arms. The heat wasn't up enough for steam at this point, probably thanks to multiple showers going at the same time but it was still a lovely experience for a man in his position nonetheless.

For just a moment Lincoln Loud was at peace with himself, the world and even his progeny. Then he looked down a the semi-sanitary tot and smiled. "See, isn't this nicer?"

Lyra Loud looked up at her father with utter indignation and uttered one word.

"No."

And promptly wriggled free from his now slippery arms.

"No, wait-" the man clutched at where she had been, but was too late to prevent her controlled fall. Of course, while Lyra was very young she was still a clever girl, and had forced herself down a path she knew there was a handhold, skidding down her father's surprisingly firm stomach, past his waist and reaching out to slow her momentum with-

The Flaccid Log stretched and bounced for a second as two small but strong hands clamped down on it with a co-ordination that would have impressed even Lynn. Lincoln's eyes widened in horror as Lyra Loud's sharp little fingernails scraaaped their momentum into the soft, sensitive skin of his phallus and allowed the toddler to grab her father by the penis and use it as an imitation bungie cord to slow her descent, drawing some sound like a yelp from his lips before her slick hands had to let go and she bounced on her butt at the bottom of the tub.

It took a moment for the sensation to reach his brain, but the sole male of the previous Loud generation gasped as a peculiar sensation similar but different to being struck in his testicles radiated through his stomach. The two women stared in shock at the sight of their daughter effectively, if briefly and unintentionally molesting her father and were too stunned to stop her as she pulled herself up past the bath rim.

The small girl landed again on the floor and then sped off past them both through the door into the house at large, stopping only to turn around and poke her absurdly long tongue out at her possibly traumatised progenitor before running off out of sight, probably to hide in the vents again.

"I warn you!" Lemy declared smugly .

Lyra Loud's freedom was short lived, as Lisa had long since chipped her and Lulu would drag back any of her siblings from their hidey-holes if sufficiently bribed. She would pay for her insolence with an extra long shower and a full three hours in time out- with a promise for four if she touched her father's no-no spot again.

As for Lincoln, he was given a few minutes to himself to come to terms with himself and to just sit in peace.

Alas, his chosen spot was the living room couch- since the upstairs was still a madhouse at the moment. This would have been fine if not for Luan and Lynn taking their breaks at the same time.

"Hey Linc?" Lynn nudged him. "You okay?"

Lincoln turned to her and blinked. "… Not really, why?"

"Oh well," Lynn's lips trembled and Lincoln's 'Sister Nonsense' sense tingled. "Well me and Luan had a chat and we agreed that we'd have this talk together."

"… Could we skip this-"

"No, Linc- it's important you confront your trauma," Luan sat next to him, effectively wedging him in-between the two women. "I know it's hard but if you're s-strong you can get past this!"

A hint a snicker broke through her mask and Lincoln blearily scowled. "This isn't funny guys-"

"Linc," Lynn put her hand on his shoulder and drew his attention to her while she pulled out one of his old Ace Savvy figurines. "If we're going to help you, you need to help us-"

"This is bullshit Lynn-"

She ignored him and thrust the doll at him, "so if you're ready… we'd really a-a-preciate i-if-, oh god Luan y-you-"

Luan took the doll from Lynn's hand, and snicked herself while Lynn covered her face and tried to repress her 'tears'. "Don't mind her- she's just overwhelmed at from all of this. But what we mean to say is-"

Lincoln's mind put it together a moment before her words reached him, "fucking really gu-"

"Could you point to the spot where the bad girl t-touched y-you- BWAHAHA!" Luan broke down into hysterics.

"Do you want us to call Adult Protective Services!?"

"M-Maybe get you some hot coco and-"

"I swear I'll give Lacy coffee."

A/N:

Luna has many fun expressions and antics when she's a background character, most obviously in season one when she seemed to be practically the only sister so prominently showing her personality in this way. She also seemingly has an absurdly long tongue that can apparently at least reach her chin or possibly her ear if perspective isn't jarring things if certain scenes from Study Muffin are taken into account.

Since Lemy takes after her in most depictions, he's inheriting her funny faces here- particularly when he's panicking or stressed while Lyra gets whatever mutant gene that would let Luna lick her own ear.

For those wondering, yes; Lyra had to take a seat in her time out :P