Hello everyone. I didn't take my insomnia medicine and this is the result. WARNING: EXTREME AWKWARDNESS AND TORTURE
I trailed behind Gothmog as we walked the halls occasionally having to pick up my pace when he tugged on the chain he attached to my necklace. I refuse to call it anything else. I hope Haldamire wakes up soon. I'm worried that she was affected much more then me. I have nothing, literally nothing, to base that off of other then she was still out when we left.
"Can I ask a question?" the words tumbling out in panic. His words from in the room still haunted my mind like we were still in that conversation. He was utterly terrifying, but the unknown was terrifying as well.
"You may ask Airawende" He stopped and turned towards me giving a sharp tug on the chain causing me to stumble to a stop in front of him "yet be warned that I have made many allowances for your behavior and this will be the last time you speak without leave to or you will find yourself in immeasurable agony". I quailed at the flat tone in his voice and wished to understand how causing pain could be so easy for them. Like they enjoyed it. I was regretting having spoken at all.
"Where are you taking me?" I tried to move back, but couldn't due to the pressure on my neck.
"You don't recognize these halls?" He asked causing me to narrow my eyes in confusion before realizing it was past Haldamire and I's room on the way to the baths or lesson room. He turned and continued walking and I fell back into step behind him totally perplexed at why he would have taken me past the room without dropping me off. Surely I didn't have lessons anymore? And without Haldamire?
I stretched out my hand and ran it along the wall as we passed by. No wonder we hadn't seen any orcs or other horrors. He led us down to the room where Haldamire and I bathed in. I paused in the doorway confused before he yanked me in with a sharp tug. He turned and unhooked the chain from my necklace and I rubbed my neck under it.
"You have such unhappiness in your eyes when you look at me Airawende. I think Mairon gave you the wrong name. Nierima is much more suitable. A name only I will call you." he commented stepping back away from me and leaning against the wall. I stared at him with wide eyes. He didn't make a move or say anything else just leaned there. I tried to look around the room, but kept going back to look at him looking at me feeling freaked out at the situation. "The water will become cool Nierima" he said emotionlessly.
I felt heat creeping up my neck into my face and looked in horror at the water. It was fresh hot water with steam rising. I hadn't even realized, I just assumed it was the same as we left it earlier. I found myself backing around the water to the other side putting it between us. A shiver ran through me and I felt cold despite the overly warm air. More shivers ran through me as I tried to puzzle out his purpose in this. Was it a test of obedience? Was he curious? Was this the way he wanted to break me like he mentioned earlier? I trembled just looking at him over the water.
"Do you need help?" He asked mockingly straightening up off the wall.
"NO" I cried out putting my hands out and he leaned back on the wall. I wish he had easier to read expressions. I scratched up my arm with my nails feeling panic swell up in me. What could I do? I glanced sideways at the doorway, but the thought was gone before it fully formed. Impossible. I knew I was starting to panic on the outside as well. My breaths were becoming faster and sooner or later I would start crying.
I raised shaking hands to my hair and began trying to unravel all of its intricate braids. It took a long time with how violently my body was shaking.
"y..y..you don't have to" I began to stutter out before being interrupted.
"Already you forget to hold your tongue until being given permission to speak. I have not even yet punished you for your lacking behavior and you add more" I felt tears drip down my cheeks and looked at the floor unable to move my shaking hands when he finished. I couldn't even begin to think about being punished with this already hanging over me. I tugged nervously at the fabric making no real effort. I glanced up and caught him still in the same place with the same non expression. I quickly moved my hands back to my hair and tried to make it more fluffy and concealing.
I tried to get a hold of myself, but couldn't seem to calm down any. I found myself biting down hard on my hand to keep myself from crying out in terror and anxiety.
"You are not allowed to damage yourself Nierima. Only I may" He was in front of me before I even knew he moved and pulled my arm away staring down at me.
"I..I ca..ca..can't" I whimpered lowering my eyes from his and looking at the floor again. Using his free hand, he lifted my face up gently and rested his palm on my cheek tenderly.
"Of course you can Nierima and if you find yourself unwilling then something will have to be done about that" He said making me stiffen and pull my face away. He said it with no inflection, but I felt the threat in his words in my soul. He released my arm and moved back to where he had been observing me before I bit my hand. I glanced down quickly and saw the faint indents my teeth had left in my skin. I tried once again to steel myself into calm action. Not even telling myself the faster I started the faster this nightmare would end spurred me into realistic action.
With shaking fingers I started trying to remove the ceremonial clothes. It did not take me as long as unraveling my hairstyle. I refused to look over at him as and instead looked over at the water trying to become numb to where I was before pushing all of the fabric off me. Haldamire and I did not usually get in as it was both of us sharing the water and washed instead by dipping in our hair first and afterwards taking scoops of water over our bodies. That would be too awkward here and with a deep breath I stilled my shivering body. It was actually very warm in here, but that didn't change the coldness I felt inside.
I plunged into the still warm water as fast as I could push myself over the side. I was still trying to studiously ignore his presence and reached for the soap determinedly only looking at it. I worked as fast as I could manage but my hair kept tangling in this horrid necklace making me have to pause to unknot hair caught several times. I sank all the way into the water when I finished with just my eyes and nose above it. I looked for the drying cloth and closed my eyes in frustration at how far it was. I frowned trying to figure out how best to get it and show the least. What If I just pulled it into here with me? I would rather it get wet then have to get out and grab it dry. My mind made up I slowly rose crouching down and reached up grabbing the cloth. I opened my eyes in relief after taking it without incident. I was scared he would object with me getting it wet. I stood wrapping it around my body as fast as humanely possible with the ends of it dragging in the water. I carefully navigated one foot out keeping the cloth still before pulling the other one out. I kept my eyes resolutely on the floor as I crept to the other drying cloth for my hair.
"Don't Nierima. You look even more beautiful like this. Vulnerable. " I started violently hearing him speak and dropped the cloth for my hair onto the floor. I looked up at him in terror shivering. This was the second time I'd seen him smile. Well smile sounds like a huge exaggeration. It was a barely noticeable change, but since he rarely made any change of expression it is easier to see. He moved off the wall and approached me at a slower pace than normal. The pressure in my chest continued to build and my sight clouded over with moisture. Why wouldn't he just let me dry off and get dressed?
"You have primal fear and sorrow in your eyes now. Crying for me again already?" He caught my face in both of his hands making me wince at the sudden in increase of heat on the wet skin and ran a thumb under my eye wiping away dripping tears. I was hyper aware of my hair dripping water onto the floor with a pit-pat sound and how the drying the fabric was slowly getting less concealing as it absorbed more water.
"Please don't" I pleaded and with a terribly quivering hand tugged at his sleeve. I was too afraid to pull away from him again.
"don't? my Nierima. my Airawende. Don't what? Have you learned nothing from this?" His grip tightened slightly and at my cry of pain loosened again.
"Don't hurt me again" I sobbed thinking about the promised punishments and what he did to my feet so long ago. I could remember that day with perfectly clarity. He released me and I looked at the floor still weeping uncontrollably.
"Is this how you plead? Is this how you should beg for mercy?" his words delivered with typical emotionlessness. I stood shuffling my feet for a moment before my mind finally connected the meaning of his words. I clutched the top of the drying cloth tighter for a moment and then gracelessly plopped down to knees. I looked up at him tearfully and repeated my words. I couldn't help but hate myself in this moment. The threat of torture was overpowering my pride. My tears increased at this mental revelation and I wondered if I was actually broken inside. He didn't make any response or move and I felt my dread intensify. I let out a choked wail of fear and as if in synthesized memory my feet ached. I tried to breathe deeply and rested my forehead on his leg.
"please don't" I finally whispered softly continuing to lean against his leg.
"Then tell me, young one, how do you choose to be punished?" He asked pulling his leg away from me and crouching down to pet my hair. I trembled and looked at him silently not knowing how to answer the question "Perhaps I may be merciful one last time and not have you whipped for insubordination." He said after a moment of us just looking at each other "but then again I did already say you reached last time earlier did I not?" He looked faintly amused at my horrified expression. How cruel to say it like that. I wrapped my arms around myself tightly trying to keep the drying cloth from slipping off due to my shaking. He pulled me up and I felt nausea and dizziness flash through me. I think I might have made myself sick crying so much.
I was startled but too numb to move when I felt him wrap something heavier around me. It was another drying cloth and I let go of the first one, now completely useless, and tightening the new one around myself. I looked up at Gothmog who inclined his head towards the back of the room and I saw dry clothes there. I moved towards the hair drying cloth, but left it after he told me to leave my hair how it was now. How unfortunate for me. My hair is long and tangles easily. I don't have the inclination or the energy to wonder why he likes it messy like this right now.
After I finished smoothing everything out properly I realized that I hadn't even hesitated to change clothes with him watching. My face burned slightly in embarrassment, but I was more concerned about if he was going to hit my feet again and recoiled at the thought. He beckoned me over to him and I approached and leaned my head back allowing him easier access to my necklace as he reattached the chain. I hated that chain with a lot more passion than my eternal hate of mushrooms. I didn't dare give it or him a resentful look though.
"Hands, feet, or back?" He asked turning to leave. I let out a sniffle and tried to think about what would be the least painful or hampering. Definitely not my feet again. Couldn't walk for months. If it was my back then I wouldn't be able to sleep well. Not that I sleep well anyways, but I would suffer resting.
"H..hands" I responded shaking my head back and forth in denial. We walked a long way and time felt endless. I was hoping we would never get to the end because of what would await me there, but we eventually did. It was the same room he had taken me to before. I cowered back when he turned towards me and he pulled me forward with a sharp jerk. I tried to ignore the other things in the room. They would only make me panic.
"Sit" he ordered unhooking me and moving away to grab something. I did more than sit. I curled up in a fetal position and started to cry again.
"Airawende, do not make this worse for yourself. Sit up and hold out your hands" his voice came from right above me and I curled in tighter. I was back to being Airawende again?
"n..no.n…noo" I whimpered.
"If you make me have to bind you, Airawende, you will suffer far more than your hands." He warned. I tried to make myself move and obey, but my body was locked in terror. I screamed when I felt his hand touch me. He forcefully pushed me over onto my stomach and yanked up one hand binding it like before. I screamed and tried to thrash around, but he was too strong.
"I must admit disappointment in your disobedience, but this should remedy that" He finished the last ankle and moved back to study me. He was such a liar. He wasn't disappointed because he liked to inflict suffering. I tried to move around, but was tied too tightly and just caused the leather to bite painfully into my skin. He seemed to make a decision and took whatever he had back for something else. I sucked in a deep breath seeing the whip in his hand and closed my eyes tightly resting on the cold stone. He moved over me and started untying my robes. I was already starting to sob again and the air brushing my now bare back startled me into speech.
"Wait. Wait. Please. I swear I will obey you now without hesitating. Please. Please." I pleaded hoping it would be more effective than the first time I tried.
"It is far too late for that little one. However, you may take some small comfort in the fact you are still far too delicate to take real punishments". I didn't have time to think about what he meant about "real" punishments because the next moment the wind was whistling and I yelped as the whip connected with my skin harshly. "Count them" he ordered and I blinked dazedly thinking about the time when he did not speak at all and how much better it was. I screamed and tugged against the restraints barely managing to choke out the numbers each time. We only went to ten, but my back felt wet. Did he make me bleed? I relaxed painfully at the pause in pain. Then let out an agonized screech when he resumed by hitting my feet. I pleaded mentally with anyone who would listen to me. Death would be better than to suffer this again. At least he didn't force me to count again. I felt darkness on either side of me threatening to swallow me up. The agony was too sharp for me to tune out even as my body went slack and he ceased.
I felt him unbinding my ankles and wrists. He pushed me over onto my back and rested his hand on my cheek. The stone felt rough and horrid against my back.
"I can't have you falling unconscious until after your punishment" he stroked his thumb down my cheek looking extremely content. I hated him almost as much as I hated myself. He pulled my robes back up around me and fixed it into place before lifting me up. Was this part of my punishment? I thought almost sarcastically as he carried me out of the room. I was barely aware of orcs and monsters we passed in the hallway. My hair was still hanging loosely all around me and I tried to hide my view behind it. I had no idea where we were when he set me down. It was a place I hadn't been to before. That description fit almost everywhere in this hellhole. I was in too much agony to take much note of my surroundings and just turned my face up with closed eyes.
"What did you do to her?" Tar-Mairon's voice sounded from far away.
"None of your concern. I just want you to make her stay conscious" Gothmog responded from an equally far distance.
"No. She cannot handle it without becoming mad. She is too fragile for you" He snapped voice fading away. They seemed to be moving away. or was I moving away? I heard the intonations of their voices, but it sounded like they were talking heated gibberish. I giggled at my thoughts. Heated gibberish. I felt my body being pulled upwards and blinked quickly trying to adjust to opening my eyes. Tar-Mairon was holding me up gently. He must not have realized the pain of standing on my feet and I tried to slip out of his grip to the floor by dropping all my weight. It didn't work and he kept me upright without effort. I saw Gothmog glaring at him from where he was standing farther back.
"Come Airawende" He pulled me gently and I lost my balance as I tried to take a step and put weight on my foot.
"Where is Haldamire?" I asked holding onto him for support.
"That isn't your concern." Gothmog answered. I frowned upset at the lack of knowledge being offered.
"There are other methods" Tar-Mairon put a hand to my back and pulled away fingers sticky with blood.
"She's fine, just tired, and I want you to make her stay awake" Gothmog responded looking displeased. Tar-Mairon frowned and I stared at him.
"Very well, but there are some injuries that cannot be treated" He finally answered pushing me into a soft chair and sweeping out of the room. I pulled me knees up awkwardly with the robes and tried to wrap my around all the way around. It felt like my entire had been hit not just my back and feet. Why couldn't I just obey?! I rested my forehead against my knees and waited for Tar-Mairon to return.
The door opened several minutes later and Tar-Mairon approached holding up another injection. It was much lighter in color then the one that caused fire to burn inside me.
"hold out your arm for me, little one" Tar-Mairon straightened out my half-way bent out arm and pushed the needle in. Immediately more clarity returned to my mind and the throbbing in my back and feet intensified. I whimpered and he patted my head consolingly.
"Which cell did you say she appeared in?" Gothmog asked when Tar-Mairon rose and tossed the injection away.
"Going there? maybe I should partake in the fun" He said in response as a cruel miasma seemed to fall over him and I shrank back. Was that always there? I looked back and forth at them. They seemed to be having a silent conversation.
"Come, Airawende" Gothmog said beckoning me to come to him. I looked at him in horror and then back at my feet.
"She will get infected if you make her walk there." Tar-Mairon said looking frustrated while the cruel miasma evaporated.
"She can crawl there" He responded lazily and I let out a squeak of revulsion. He approached me and I froze too afraid to move back. He quickly lifted me up and I felt myself relax in relief. He wasn't going to make me walk or crawl. I shuddered at the thought.
The dungeon I arrived in. He wanted to take me back there. Was it for the bad memories? Did he want to leave me there for a while? I hope he wants to leave me there. Maybe I can talk to that red haired guy who saved me from things too terrible to put into words. I realized after seeing everyone here that he was also a beautiful one trapped like the teacher. My foot twitched in agitation. Why were they imprisoning people and torturing them? I cowered into Gothmog's arms as we passed a particularly frightening monster and hid my face in his chest deciding that was the lesser of two evils.
We descended so many stairs and sloping passage ways before arriving back to where I had first arrived.
"Maitimo, we have come to play" Gothmog set me down near the door and I leaned as much weight as I could into the wall and off my feet. Maitimo. That must be his name. I felt myself start trembling again hearing the door unlock. He wanted to hurt me in front of someone else. I felt my eyes mist up again. What if he tried to stop him? Gothmog would hurt him terribly. I didn't resist the tug upon my arm dragging me into the cell. He tossed me gracelessly off to the side and I felt all the air whoosh out of me at the impact.
"If you cannot bear the torment of your misbehavior, Airawende, then I am certain Maitimo will be content to take it for you" He said cruelly and I looked up at him in dismay.