Depravity 1.8
4:30.
On a Wednesday.
"Mac, you got to see this movie, dude," Dennis said.
"Really? I thought it was boring." Dee argued.
"Boring? it's about the end of the world, Dee." Dennis fired back
"Inconvenient Truth is not about the end of the world."
"It is about how if we don't stop global warming, we are going to destroy this environment. Taylor, you agree with me, right?"
Taylor shrugged her shoulders. "I'm not much of an environmentalist."
"You don't have to be an environmentalist to enjoy the movie, because it teaches you about the environment. It doesn't assume you already know! And it teaches you to care."
"But I think we're just a temporary thing. We're not destroying the environment as much as we're making some space for us that won't last forever."
"But the movie is more about global warming and how we're heating up the planet," Dennis said, "and if we don't stop, we're going to destroy this earth."
"I always thought that we didn't, weren't really responsible for global warming."
"You a rightist Taylor?" Mac asked.
"Nope, just don't agree with my side on that subject."
"Come on Taylor!" Dennis whined. "The movie showed several graphs, statistics, and evidence about how WE are responsible for global warming and if we don't change our path, this planet is going to be inhabitable before long."
"I think it sounds cool. I'll check it out." Mac said.
"It is. It's awesome."
Mac drank from his cup and threw it on the ground. Taylor snickered.
Dennis turned to him. "Dude, come on. What the hell is that?"
"What?"
"What's wrong?" Taylor asked while giggling.
"Oh, don't act like you don't know! That! That right there!" Dennis pointed at the cup on the floor. "You can't just do that!"
"What do you mean? What's the big deal, Dennis?" Mac asked.
"What is the big deal? Are you nuts?"
"It's like you see a movie and now you're crazy about the environment." Dee pointed out.
"Oh I'm sorry, Dee, maybe I would like to do some good in this world."
Taylor concealed her laughter.
"Maybe I would like to make a difference"
Taylor continued to hide her laughter. "You?"
"Yes-"
"You want to do good?"
"Yes."
"You can't do-" Mac interrupted.
"You're not good at that." Dee said.
"-Good."
"I can do good!" Dennis argued.
"You're a-" Taylor voiced.
"No." Dee said.
"-villain!"
"I am capable of doing good!"
"No, you're not. You just screw people over for your own benefit!"
"Yeah, you're a villain! Villains don't do good! I should know." Taylor argued.
"Maybe I'll become a vigilante. Maybe I'll turn you guys in, maybe-"
"Oh really? You're going to turn Charlie in?" Dee asked.
"-I'll...actually make a difference!"
"No way." Mac dismissed the idea.
"You guys are going to be so angry when you look back and you see that the world looks at Dennis Reynolds and says, 'Dennis, you are a good person,'" He opened the dumpster. "'you are making a'...Holy shit."
"What?" Mac asked.
Dennis looked at the three. "There's a baby in this dumpster."
1 hour later
Taylor, Dennis, Dee, and Mac were sitting at the bar with the baby who reeked of old food and mold and was blowing raspberries.
"What the hell is it doing?" Dennis asked.
"Can you believe this?" Taylor asked.
"No Taylor. We can't." Dee replied slightly sardonically.
"I can't believe someone just threw away their baby like some...cum stained tissue paper!" Mac said.
"I know...ugh, we should call someone."
"Who? The police? The mother? I mean, think Dee, someone put this baby in the trash! We can't just put it in the system!"
"It's a terrible system…"
"It's a horrible system!"
"What else would we do?" Taylor asked. "I mean we can't leave it here can we?"
"Well, we gotta figure something out Taylor." Dennis said. "Or else...this baby is going to be cold and alone. For the rest of its life, it'll be eating trash, and getting disease."
"If it survives that long." Taylor solemnly said.
"It's no life to live."
"I can't imagine a single goddamn person that would like eating trash and getting diseases." Dee pointed out.
"I can take it anymore, Charlie. I can't take it." Frank walked into the room. "Charlie you're harping on it. That's called-"
"I'm sorry. I would-" Charlie was interrupted.
"-Harping! You're going over and over and over."
"-Like to know if I share a bed with my father."
"I'm telling you! I am not your father! I'm-"
"Than take-"
"-Not!"
"-A stupid blood test!"
"I'm not taking no-"
"It's so easy! it's-"
"-bloodtest! Look I'm-"
"-Just a little prick!
"-Not even going to talk about it I'm just going to...what the hell is that?" Frank looked at the baby.
"It's a baby we found in the dumpster," Mac told him.
Frank paused. "Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you."
"Tattletale!" Taylor voiced. "We can't leave a baby! We have to do something."
Frank looked up. "Fine, just...just give it to the police, get it out of here. It's bad for business."
"Yeah, maybe we should, maybe we-"
"Oh, that's just great Frank." Dennis interrupted. "Sure agree with him, Taylor. Pass the buck! Pass the-everyone just pass the buck! Y'know, it's time we started taking responsibility for the refuse we're creating."
Charlie rolled his eyes. "Oh, my God, dude. Are you still harpin' on that stupid global heating movie you saw?"
"Global warming, Charlie."
"Yeah. Right. Like the earth is magically getting hotter."
"All right, stop!" Mac stopped the arguments. "Clearly this is not the right environment for a child. I will take care of the Dumpster baby until we figure out what to do with it. Dee, you're helping me."
"What? No, I'm not."
"You see what's happening here? Do you see this? Family values in this country are going down the toilet, and it's because of people like you. Men and women raising a child together is a proven system a thousand years old."
Taylor facepalmed. Everyone else rolled their eyes.
Mac continued. "There are parental roles that need to be filled here, right? Otherwise, the kid winds up roaming the streets... having unprotected sex with multiple partners... Mm-hmm. Sharing needles and contracting the H.I.V. Virus, and it's all your fault. Are you happy, Dee? Is this what you wanted? You just gave this baby full-blown AIDS."
Taylor was starting to regret her chosen mission.
A few hours later.
The area was littered with more trash than a middle-aged man who lives in Detroit house has, and had almost as many people trying to wade through it. Everyone was picking up bottles, cans, and the like and leaving the rest behind. Clearly, everyone here cares about being good people
And then four members of The Gang showed up…
"What the hell are these scrubs doing?" Charlie asked after he left the Car and saw everyone.
"They're activist Charlie," Dennis answered. "They're sifting through the trash for recyclable material."
"Recycling. What a waste." Frank snarked.
"I wouldn't say it's a waste." Taylor tried to defend. "These people are trying to help the environment. Even if it's kinda pointless-"
"POINTLESS!?" Dennis shouted. "The health of our planet is very important, Taylor. Come on, I'll show you. We're going to make a difference." Dennis leads Taylor away from Frank and Charlie.
"You see?" Frank wiggled a finger at Charlie. "He has no problem not calling me dad."
Dennis walked with Taylor to one of the activists. "You see? You are going to see how important the well-being of our planet is."
"I already believe it is," Taylor responded. "I just don't believe we're harming it in a significant way."
"Did we even watch the same movie? The movie showed you perfectly how we are killing our planet with plastic in the ocean, and holes in the ozone layer and you say it's not significant? Please. I'm about to show you and blow that little teenage mind."
"Sure Dennis."
Dennis and Taylor walked up to one of the activists wearing a beanie and brown jacket. "Uh, hey, man, where can I get one of those recycling bags?"
"Get lost, narc."
"Excuse me?"
"What we're doing is completely legal, so why don't you just leave us alone?"
"Oh. No, I'm not a cop, man. I just wanna help out."
"Yeah, we want to help out too," Taylor said.
"Sure you do. I saw you two pull up in that Range Rover." The activist said.
A girl walked by ."Is everything okay, Sage?"
"Yeah. No, everything's fine. I was just explaining to your friend that I... I want to help you guys out." Dennis tried to defend himself
"Yeah, we're trying to make a difference."
"Listen, you two losers. I know your type: Straightedge, mainline weekend warrior comin' down here... in your cashmere sweater with your moussed up, hairsprayed coif. This isn't just a hobby for us. So why don't you take your phony, suburban, half-assed bullshit... someplace else?"
The man walked away. Taylor and Dennis glared at him.
Frank grabbed a piece of garbage. "I'll take that, hippie."
"Ah Hey, Frank! Frank! Fr-Frank! Haha!" Charlie shouted on top of a trash pile the size of a mansion. He held a sword up in the air. And came down shouting along the way "Dude, do you believe this thing, man? It's a…"
"Charlie, Charlie, get down…" Frank warned.
"Dude, it's amazing! Look at this. Bro, you can chop a camel right in the hump... and drink all its milk right off the tip of this thing, man."
"That is a find-"
"This is an Ali Baba-"
"-man! That's spectacular. "
"-sword, dude."
Dennis stormed in. with Taylor behind. "Come on, you guys. Let's get out of here."
Taylor folded her arms. "Yeah, the guys here are fucking jerks."
"Who cares?" Charlie extended his arms. "The stuff here is awesome. Look, guys. Look at this."
"I don't care about that, alright!?" Dennis snapped. "You guys are makin' me look like an asshole. I'm out here tryin' to make a difference, and you're over here... rummagin' around the trash like a couple of narcs, okay? You can't just come down here with your mainline, cashmere, moussecoif hair spray...and start bein' like a suburban tool You can't..."
"What are you saying?" Frank asked.
"... Are you feeling alright? Did you even look at this?"
"I don't know. I think I just got punked out by a couple of hippies. I gotta do somethin' about this."
Taylor stepped back.
Later that night.
"Goddamn, this dumpster baby is heavy."
"No no, it's good for your back," Mac replied. "All right. So we got the diapers and the wipes and the powder. Shit, this raisin' babies is easy, huh?"
"Huh?"
"I think, first things first, the baby smells like trash, right? Throw it in the bath."
The baby started to cry silently.
"Already with this?"
"I didn't do it".
"Already with this? I come home to a crying baby?"
"I didn't-No, I didn't do anything. And it doesn't matter 'cause he's silent! He's a silent baby!" Dee made silly faces at the baby.
"Fine, whatever. Jesus Christ. You know what? I'm just gonna kick back, grab a beer and watch the Sixers, all right?
Dee cradled the baby. "You're not gonna help? You wanted me to do this with you.
"Dee, would it kill you to go shopping once in a while? We're outta beer."
Oh, we are? No, we're not out of anything, Mac, 'cause you don't live here."
"Wait... One left. Nice."
"Great."
Mac grabbed the beer and closed the refrigerator door. "So Dee. I wanna talk to you about something."
"Like what we're going to do with this baby?"
"No...I wanna talk about Taylor."
Dee's eyes narrowed. "What? You mean the bug girl?"
"Like, doesn't it seem like Frank seem to have taken a likin' towards her?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like," Mac took a drink, "he ran after her. When she left the Bar. he chased after her. You don't find that strange?"
"He just wants some more firepower, Mac. it doesn't get any deeper than that with him."
"So you don't think he has any weird emotional attachment to her?"
"No, of course, I don't. He doesn't have any emotional attachment toward his own kids. Or who he thought were his kids. So I'm not really jumping on into the whole 'Frank likes some random kid' theory. He doesn't care about anyone."
"If that's the case, then why did he hug her when they first met?"
"He did?"
"Yeah. he extended his arms and everything."
"weird…Maybe he was manipulating her."
"Maybe he's a diddler."
"What? Frank is not a diddler.."
"Maybe he is! We don't know, He's old and a businessman! He could easily get his dick hard for about once every five weeks, thinkin' about little buttholes!"
"What!? Ew! That-"
"It could be!"
-is disgust-"
"It could be!"
"-ing! No it-"
"You don't know!"
"-not be!"
"He has glasses!"
"Ok, Frank didn't make any advances on me or Dennis. At least...to my knowledge he didn't make any moves on Dennis." Dee shook her head. "Frank is not a diddler."
"Then what-"
"He's bad, but he's not a pedophile."
"Then what is it, Dee? 'Cause, there's something else to play here. Frank definitely didn't just get her because she would make for good muscle. There's something ulterior going on here."
"There's some ulterior method."
"Huh?"
"Well, you said 'there's ulterior going on here.' so I corrected you. 'Cause you used poor grammar."
Mac looked to his right and back. "So what? Now you're raising your voice to me?"
"What? I'm not raising my voice. I don't even know what you're talking about."
"Well, I'm tryin' to have a rational conversation. I feel like you're berating me for absolutely no reason. So you know what?"
"What?"
"For the sake of the baby, we need some space. I'm gonna go with the guys, blow off steam."
"What? You're just gonna dump this thing on me and leave?"
"You gonna guilt me into staying? Okay, I guess I have to stay... for the sake of Dumpster Baby. But I will tell you what. I'm not gonna stand here and be berated. I'm going to bed. Sleep on why Taylor is so interesting to Frank."
Dee rolled her eyes.
"And remember Dee. Frank sees most people as tools and objects. The fact that he doesn't with Taylor is strange. So I'm going to think about it. While you think on it too. 'Cause you should."
And with that, Mac closed the separator to Dee's bedroom.
At Charlie and Frank's apartment
Charlie tossed and turned in his bed like someone dealing with a dozen night terrors. Constantly changing positions. Switching back and forth, back and forth…
Frank has had enough. "Charlie, will you just please lay there and go to sleep?"
"I can't sleep dude," Charlie replied, "it's impossible, my mind's goin', like, a mile a minute."
"Well, stop thinkin' about it. I'm not your father. Now go to sleep."
"No. Dude, it's not that. I'm thinkin' about something completely different."
There was a slight pause.
Frank power realized what he meant. "It's the trash, isn't it?"
"It's the sweet, sweet trash." Charlie confirmed.
I mean, man, we found some amazing shit out there today. The kind of shit I didn't think you could find in the trash, you know? And, uh, I'm just goin' nuts thinkin' about what else is out there. Frank, there is ordinary guys just like you and me goin' through everyone else's trash. They don't appreciate it. Ah, people don't appreciate their trash, Frank."
Another pause.
"Let's go get the flashlights."
Frank and Charlie ran out the door.
The next day.
"Ok, you ready?" Dennis asked, as he took the next turn.
"I'm still unsure of the plan…" Taylor admitted.
"Oh, come on Taylor. How hard is it to understand? All we have to do is-"
"No, I understand the plan. I'm just not sure I want to do it…"
"What!? Those douchebags insulted you too! And now you're not even going to help me get my revenge!"
"Our revenge."
"Whatever! We're teammates. Teammates help each other out. No matter how much they disagree. It's not like I'm doing anything to you."
Taylor's face slowly turned into one of slight shock and disgust. She knew she wouldn't feel bad about turning these guys in.
"I'm sorry Golden God," Taylor whispered. "...I'm not-"
"Hey hey!" Dennis quickly looked around. "No using cape codenames in public!"
"I was whispering it."
"It doesn't matter!" Dennis quickly added. "Too risky, you can't use them in public! Hell, don't even use them when we're out of costume."
"ok...Well...Dennis...I can't under…" Taylor chose her next words carefully. "Good faith screw these people over. I don't believe in that eye for an eye for a thing."
"But you're a supervillain! Are you one of those, 'only attack other supervillains and steal their shit' kind of types?"
Taylor thought about it. Should she take the excuse? "No, I'm one of those, 'do whatever she wants' kind of types. And I just don't believe in revenge. I'm doing this for a different reason."
Dennis sighed. "Fine, fine, fine. So what're you going to do?"
"I'm going to help the environment. It'll be a nice hobby."
"Ok."
A little while afterwards. After the two did some more talking, the two reached their destination.
"Ok, see ya Taylor." Dennis said.
"Bye."
The two went their separate ways. And Dennis came to strike up a conversation with one of the environmentalists.
"Hello there." Dennis greeted.
"Hey." The environmentalist repiled. "Nice clothes."
"Thank you. I had these for a while"
"Really? You must've been doing this for a while then. Helping the environment, I mean."
"Yes, I have. Want to hear about the time I nurse a baby bird to health?"
Taylor was picking up several pieces of the recyclable trash and putting it in their respective bins, making it easier with her power by sensing the trash with her bugs and going to them, when she heard a familiar voice behind her.
"Alright people, let's pick up the pace! We only got one planet, we have to do all we can to save it! Unless you want to end up in a land where there's no snow, everything is filled with trash, and the most a 100 bucks will get you is a kick in the teeth and a shit burger!"
Clockblocker? He's here!? Why!? She silently freaked out.
He was standing on a small pile of trash, looking like he was in charge of the whole operation.
She immediately ran over to him to engage in conversation.
When she got close enough, she introduced herself. "Hi!"
Clockblocker turned his head in her direction. "Ummm...hi?"
Taylor's anxiety grew. Did I come on too strong? What do I do now?
"Ummm…I...wanted to know what you were doing here…"
"Well, you did a 180. What, you thought you came on too strong and decided to dial it back?"
Taylor blinked. "Ummm...yes…"
"Well, it's ok. I found it charming." Clockblocker jumped down from the trash. "You can geek out if you want."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I get it a lot. It's no big deal."
"Ok." Taylor took a deep breath. "SowhatareyoudoinghereitsstrangeforaherotobehereImeanIthinkit'scoolyou'rehelpingtheenvironmentIlovetheenvironmentIhelpitallthetimethethingisheroesonlyfocusonsupervillainsandgoodPRexceptfortheEndbringerattackswheretheyhelpwithrebuildingbuteventhenit'snotaconstantsometimestheyreallycan'tand-"
"Woah. Woah. Not to discourage you. But I can't respond to all of that."
"Sorry."
"It's alright. To answer your question. We ARE doing this for good P.R. All of the wards are helping environmentalists around the city. This group is mine."
"So, it's only for good P.R."
"I'm not going to lie. That was the whole idea. I didn't want to do this at first because, well, isn't there a better way to use my powers? I should be saving lives. I'm probably losing you."
"No, I get it. I was lying when I say I help the environment all the time. I don't think it's a big deal, so it's fine you don't."
"Thanks. And eventually, I did come around. When I told them I wanted to save lives. They told me, 'but you are' and listed a bunch of facts about the planet. I don't remember them all. But they were very important. I imagine."
Taylor snickered. "Well, I'm glad you're doing this. You heroes are really nice."
"You girls are very...cute…"
Taylor's eyes widened. "Wait...even me?"
"Yes...wait...do you not know?"
Taylor's jaw dropped.
Then she blushed.
"So I scale this tree. I mean, this is a big tree too, right? I get to the top of it. I find the nest. This is...This is baby bluebirds. They're starving to death. So I regurgitate my lunch and I nourish the entire flock…" Dennis embellished.
"Wow." The environmentalist said.
"Like…" Dennis couldn't finish.
"Well, well, well. Check it out, babe. The narc is back." The jerk said.
"Mmm." His girlfriend said.
"Hey, uh, Sage, I thought about what you said, and I think you were right, man. I was half-assing it." Dennis admitted. "But I'm not gonna half-ass it anymore. I'm gonna devote myself completely to the cause."
"Look, bro." The jerk started. "Just 'cause... you come in here with your Birkenstocks and your Phish T-shirt... doesn't mean you're devoted. Means you're a total poser."
Dennis appeared calm. "Wow. Um... Well, you know what, man? Uh, I'm just gonna go then," Dennis walked away, "I guess. You know, I'll take my Birkenstocks and my Phish T-shirt and my... kind bud with me."
The girlfriend's eyes glowed up. "What? Did you just say you had kind bud?"
Dennis turned. "Kind bu... Yeah. I mean, you know, I just have, like... this much."
Dennis whipped up a huge bag.
Later...
"Hey, and look at this." Frank said. "It's a little ray gun. Like…."
"Oh, that's nice, man." Charlie complimented.
Charlie continued to search through the trash. "Look at this thing right here, dude. Put this in a plastic bag and boom, shower radio, buddy. Oh, yeah."
"Oh, baby." Frank said.
"Unbelievable."
"Here's-"
"We're on a roll."
"Look at this. We wrap stuff in this. Look. We can wrap it all up."
Charlie's dog Angelica found something with her nose leading the way. "What'd you find girl? What'd you find?"
Angelica gave him the item. "All right. Electrics. Electrics! Told you bringing Angelica was a good idea."
"Yeah." Frank pulled something out of the trash. "Whoa! A sneaker."
"What size?"
"Fourteen."
"Throw it in the pile, baby."
Frank threw the shoe. "Crash in the pile."
Frank and Charlie rummaged through the trash some more, not bothered by the mold and dirt some of the items possessed. The air smelled of meat and feces, with a hint of sweat, Frank and Charlie thought it reminded them of home.
"Ah, Charlie, isn't this great? We go right to the source! Forget about the dump."
Yeah. Screw the dump, man.
"Yeah."
"It's right in your backyard, dude."
"This is it."
"Now," Charlie continued to pull out items from the dumpster and put them in the pile, "Frank, I have to ask you something."
"Go ahead."
"What is it with you and Taylor?"
Frank's facial expression didn't change. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, well, she's clearly special to you."
"Yeah, we need muscle. We got into a close call with Lung."
"That's not what I meant. And you know it."
"What're you talking about?"
"Dude, you ran after her when she left the bar. You hugged her when we got her on the team. There's something going on between the two of you."
"I'm making sure she stays. She's starved for friends. I'm making sure she stays with us by giving her that friendship she wants." the statement moved out of Frank's lips easily.
"So you're grooming her?"
"Yeah, making sure she wants to stay."
There was a slight pause. "You're not a diddler, are you?"
"What?"
"You're not a diddler, are-"
"No I'm-"
"-you?"
"-not a diddler Charlie!"
"Well, I just have to make sure!"
"I'm not grooming her for that!"
"Well, you hugged her, and a old man doing that or grooming a teenage girl is weird."
"It wouldn't-"
"Even if it-"
"-be diddling!"
"-wasn't sexual!"
"It would be ephebopilia! And I don't have that either! I just want to make sure she's...on our side."
"Well, alright."
Charlie pulled something out of the dumpster.
"You found another coat!" Frank exclaimed.
"Yeah man, it's awesome."
"Can I have it?
"No."
"Well, you already got one."
"Frank, use your head. This is the coat that's gonna protect my other coat. Come on, man."
"Oh, when you're right, you're right."
"Look at-"
"Yeah-"
"-that."
"-baby. You'll find one. If you keep diggin', you're gonna find one of these."
As Frank and Charlie were talking, A blonde woman walked out of the shop the they were in the alleyway of.
"Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me." She said.
"Huh? Oh, hello. Look who it is, huh? The girl who ruined my life by fallin' in love with my best friend... and havin' sex with this guy right here."
Frank leaned on the dumpster. "How you doin'?"
"Gross." The waitress insulted. "And "gross" to you. And you know what? I don't know what you're doing. I don't want to know. Go and do it in somebody else's Dumpster, okay?"
"Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second." Charlie had grabbed the bags. "What do you got in those?"
"Coffee cups and food scraps."
"Yeah, we'll take 'em."
"Hand 'em over," Frank said.
They grabbed the two trash bags.
Sometime later…
"I don't know why it's cranky, okay?" Dee said. While walking alongside the baby, being rolled in a stroller.
"Well, maybe he's hungry!" Mac suggested. While pushing the baby down the sidewalk. "Your thoughts on nursing it?"
"I haven't slept in three days. I don't have thoughts anymore."
"You know, raising a child is not nearly as fun as I thought it'd be."
"Well, what if we put it back where we found it?"
Dee eyed the trash.
Mac tilted his head slightly.
But before they could do anything, two women walked up to them and the child they were owning.
"Oh, my God, that is the cutest little baby I've ever seen." One of them said. "What's his name?"
"Uh, his name is…" Mac struggled to find an answer.
Dee tried to save him. "It's... D... B."
"D.B." MAc confirmed.
"Oh, he could be a Gerber Baby. He could be in commercials." The woman said.
They then walked away.
Lighting stuck in both Dee's and Mac's minds.
"I have an idea," Dee said.
"I'm three steps ahead of ya," Mac said. "We need to make Dumpster Baby a star."
"Exactly."
"This is exactly what I'm talkin' about. We can't put it back into a-
"Noooooo."
"-corrupt system. We have an opportunity to give it a real future here."
"Yes, by making it a star."
"And who has better lives than child stars?"
"Nobody."
"Nobody. Rich, famous... They have it all. The happiest people on earth."
Mac leaned into the stroller. "D.B., my main man, you got tossed into the right Dumpster."
Later
"Brenda," Mac began, "I'm not going to waste any more of your time than I have to." I got meetings with agents all over town. Can you make D.B. a star?"
Mac and Dee decided to make D.B. a star. They would have to go to an agent. This was the first one they met. Her room was typical. Some flowers, a statue, and some paper and files cluttered on her desk. This was clearly the room of your typical agent.
Too bad her clients weren't typical people.
"Well," She began, "I'm sorry to say, but in today's commercial world, there's no room for another white baby actor. There's an influx already."
Dee looked at Mac. "White babies don't sell."
"White babies just aren't selling right now"
"Question:" Mac proposed, "Who is selling Brenda?"
"Well, the Latino market is the fastest-growing demographic in the country."
"Great, so Mexicans are selling."
"Oh well, D.B. can play Mexican," Dee said.
"Yeah. D.B. can definitely be a Mexican.
Mac continued. "We get him some pistols, he fires them off right crazy." Dee made some noises with her mouth while moving D.B. "He does-Do the jumpin' thing, do the jumpin-'"
Dee made D.B. bounce up and down. "Watch-"
"He-"
"-this"
"-does the Mexican jumpin' Bee!" Mac and Dee vocalized as Dee made D.B. jump.
The agent looked very confused.
"Isn't it-"
"We-"
"-cute?"
"We get him a little thing with-"
"He can-he can sell-"
"-the chips. And he can dip the chips into nacho cheese."
"It's perfect."
"It's hilarious."
"It's perfect."
The agent was only getting more confused.
"For all we know," Mac said, "he is Mexican. Cause here's the thing-" Mac pointed at Dee.
"Oh. oh, ah-"
"Tell them the thing."
"Oh oh, Ah ah. Look. I can't really get into the specifics of the whole thing. But we got no idea who D.B. dad is."
"We don't know who D.B.-"
"Only gods-"
"It isn't-"
"-knows."
"-me."
"I'm sorry," the agent tried to get a word in,
"We-I don't-"
"but your son just does not look, Latino."
"Oh well," Mac tried not to let his dejectedness show, "I mean...that...that's a bit of a disappointment-"
"That's-That makes me-" Dee said.
"-for us."
"-sad."
"Yeah. Because we're truly trying to give him a future." Mac looked for ideas. "Is there anything that we can do?"
"Well, not unless you can change the color of this baby's skin."
Mac and Dee stared at her.
Later
"Let me get this straight," the tanned man said, "you want to put your baby into a tanning bed."
Mac looked at Dee. "That's correct."
"I'm sorry, that's against the law."
"Look pal, we are well aware of the law, Ok? We don't wanna jam you up here. We just want to put in there for a couple of minutes."
"Just to get a base," Dee added.
"Just to get a base."
"We'll sing whatever waivers or whatever you need us to do."
"So let us cook him for a couple minutes and we'll be out of the hair."
"I am feeling compelled to call the authorities." The tanned man said.
"Oh are you?" Dee said as Mac exhaled. "Well then, why don't we take our business elsewhere?"
"I sense some judgment in your voice, sir, and I don't appreciate it," Mac said. "You could've helped change this child's life forever. You chose not to. That's on you." Mac whispered the last line.
"I can live with that." The tanned man responded.
"Come on D.B.," Dee said. "I guess the road to stardom is paved with hard knocks and orange assholes."
Mac and Dee walked out. Leaving the tanned man bewildered.
At a later time…
The scene was filled with activists, environmentalists, and various other kinds of people holding their sighs and raising them into the air. They were around a tree, constantly walking around the tree. Chanting, "Trees are people too! Save this tree! Trees are people too! Save this tree!"
"These developer pigs are gonna tear down this tree." The douchebag environmentalist, also known as Sage, said. "So tonight we will hold a candlelight vigil in protest."
Dennis and Taylor walked up. "Hey, Sage, Asriel, can we commune for a moment?" Dennis asked.
"Yeah. What's up?" Asriel said.
"Well, listen. I don't want to be putting out any negative vibrations... or anything like that, but I think we're going about this the wrong way."
"Thanks, but, uh, we got it," Sage said.
"Okay, why don't we hear him out, Sage?" Asriel suggested.
"Thanks, Asriel," Taylor said. "Well, you have to think about it. Lighting some candles is not going to stop a bulldozer from destroying this tree. We need to do something more. Somebody needs to step up and be a hero."
"Yes," Dennis added. "So I'm thinkin'-"Taylor bumped him with her elbow.
Dennis sighed. "We're thinking, I would chain myself to that tree... and that way, if they wanna kill that tree, they gotta kill me first."
"That is so brave of you, Dennis." Asriel said
"Is it?" Sage was annoyed. "Wait. If anyone is gonna chain themselves to anything, it's gonna be me."
"But it was Dennis's idea."
"No, wait, Asriel. He's right." Dennis said. "Maybe it should be him."
"Right. I'm the one in charge here." Sage boasted.
"Right. You're the one in charge."
"Right."
"Right."
"Right."
"Mountain, go get some chains."
No, wait, you don't have to, Mountain." Taylor said. "I brought some."
She pulled out some chains for him to do the deed.
In the city…
"Charlie, we gotta stop. We gotta stop." Frank said moving the grocery cart filled with trash down the sidewalk.
"No. Two more stops, Frank." Charlie simply replied.
"Let's keep-"
"No I think-"
"-it moving."
"-Let's drop it off at base camp."
"No. No base camp."
"Let's, no-"
"We gotta keep-"
-it's fallin'"
"-movin', Frank. March!"
A water bottle fell from Frank's cart.
Charlie stopped. "Ho! Do not lose that. Do not-"
"It's just a bottle."
"-lose that."
"All right, I think we gotta stop. We gotta stop at the apartment."
"No, dude. There's-"
"We gotta-"
"-no time for that, man!"
"We gotta drop some stuff off."
"All right, fine. We'll make it quick."
"All right."
Back at the apartment
Charlie's and Frank's apartment was filled with trash, towers of junk, waste, and garbage. You couldn't even see the floor in the mini dump.
"Charlie, maybe we should get rid of some of this shit." Frank suggested.
Charlie turned to him. "What?"
"Yeah. I mean… Frank muttered under his breath.
"What'd you say, get rid of it?"
"Yeah."
"Frank, look at this." He pulled out a broken TV, "Huh? Yeah. This... This…" He pulled out a busted up steering wheel. "Look at that, bro! Yeah. Yeah. This here's our future, man. People are just throwin' this away. Get rid of it, dude? Frank, we start gettin' rid of this, we're gonna be just like the wasters out there. Look-Hehehey guess what? Somebody else is gonna find it."
There was a knock on the door as soon as Charlie said that.
"Who's at the door?" Charlie said."
"I don't know." Frank replied.
Frank made his best attempt to walk over to the door, climbing over piles of junk and trash, and finally made it there and opened it. "Kaiser?"
Kaiser put both his hands down and together. He was in his costume, decked out in metals he used as armor and a crown. He was with two other bodyguards, Both big, with one having a scar on the left side of his lip. "Hello tattletale."
"I'm Frank now." Frank corrected. "What do you want?"
"Can I come in?"
Frank moved out of the way. "Is this going to take long?"
"No, I only want-" Kaiser walked into a trash pile, and it knocked him off his stride for a bit. "Hm? What is this?"
"Oh, me and Frank are taking a lot of trash and putting it in our home so that it doesn't go to waste."
"I see...you don't see this act as...dangerous? Or, a waste of time?"
"Hey! The ONLY wasteful one or the ones that threw away these sweet pairs of glasses!"
"Do you even wear glasses, Dogman?"
"I don't see how that matters. And it's Charlie, you know that."
"Right, so Frank and Charlie, you might not know this but your friends have recently come across a baby."
"How do you know that?"
"Oh-no…" Frank said.
"What? What's the problem? What's happening?"
"One question at a time, Charlie," Kaiser said. "The reason I know is that when I went looking for the baby, it was gone and the security system showed them taking it. Security systems i was able to get access to by threatening the store owner that was next to the alleyway."
"Where are you going with this?"
"It was his."
Everyone looked at Frank.
Charlie's eyes widened. "What?"
"It. Was. His!"
Kaiser made a gesture toward him. "Correct. Have you seen it?"
"Nope."
"Uhhh, nope! Nope!"
Kaiser stared at Charlie, then back at Frank. "Well, if you get in contact with the rest of The Gang. be sure to contact me."
"How does your baby end up in the dumpster?"
"I don't know. My wife insists she didn't do it. And I believe her. So I'm asking you to retrieve it for me. I'd get it myself, but I don't know where the others live. So be sure to get it for me. Ok?"
"Ok."
"Yeah sure." Frank agreed.
"alright...I guess I'll be off. Gentlemen." Kaiser walked off and closed the door behind him.
"Oooooooh shit! This is so bad!"
"No shit Charlie, we need to get the baby!"
"Ok, we don't have to panic. He didn't put a timer on us. We can get it at any time. So let's just sleep first then get it first thing in the morning."
"Right...wait...where are we gonna sleep?"
Charlie realized the predicament when he looked around.
Later…
Charlie and Frank huddle for warmth on the cold sidewalk.
Back with Sage...
"You sure you still wanna do this?" Mountain asked.
"Mountain," Sage said. this is what it's all about: Me and my girl side-by-side... savin' a life, bringin' in the dawn together. I mean, come on!"
"Looks like it's gonna rain."
"It does look like it's gonna rain. Have you seen Asriel?"
"No."
"Wonder where she is."
Back with Dennis...
"Tonight we cross the plane of reality…" Dennis said. "Into the dimension of no place or time."
"Open your mouth," Asriel responded. They interlocked hands. "Become the journey."
Back with Charlie and Frank...
"What are we doin', man? It's pourin' rain out here!" Charlie shouted.
"We're actin' like animals."
"But we gotta stick together, Frank, if we're gonna make it."
"Yeah, let's stick together."
"All right. Let's use our heads."
"What are we gonna do?"
"We gotta get outta this rain. "
"Yeah. Where are we gonna go?" "We could get in that Dumpster."
"I'm not above that."
"Let's go."
Back with Sage...
"Asriel! Where are you?"
Little did Sage know his girlfriend was being shown the time of her life. Being pleasured in more ways than one, by none other than Dennis.
Back with Charlie and Frank...
"Can you give me a bite of that, dude?"
"Mmm. Yeah." Frank mumbled.
"I'm starvin'."
"You know. Charlie, I'm really sorry that I banged your girlfriend."
"Ah, bro, you gotta stop talkin' about that, dude."
"I'm also sorry that I didn't get the blood test. But I know... I'm a hundred percent positive... that I am not your dad."
"Dude, how can you be a hundred percent positive, dude? How do you know?"
Frank sighed. "Your mother and I were gonna keep this a secret, but... after we made love, she did get pregnant... but she had an abortion."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."
"Are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause, maybe she didn't tell you."
"I mean, she probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up... because your mother was a giant whore."
"Ah, you know what, dude? I don't believe you, Frank, all right? It's hard to take. Just... Oh, my God. You're a liar, man."
"Where are you goin', Charlie?"
"To find out the truth!"
"Charlie!"
Frank was left sobbing in the dumpster.
Later that night...
"How's your...Ummm...job, Charlie?" Ms. Kelly asked.
"Yeah, it's fine mom," Charlie replied.
Charlie decided to meet up with his mother to find out the truth about him and Frank. She was the only other one that knew what happened. In Charlie's mind, she was the only one that knew what REALLY happened. So it was the most logical choice. "I met a new friend there. We got a new worker."
"Well, that's great! Is he nice?"
"It's a she. And mom...I'm a supervillain. None of us are nice."
"That's not true, people can be nice no matter what. Supervillains are just people trying to survive after all…
Charlie smiled. "Thanks, mom."
"I'm proud of you Charlie, I want you to know that, no matter what. I'm very proud of you."
"Thanks. Soooo about you and Frank?"
"Frank doesn't know the truth."
"I knew it. All right. You didn't have an abortion, you just told him you did. I get that." "No. I had an abortion. It just didn't take."
There was a pause after that.
"Wha... What does that mean?"
"It means you survived it. You survived the abortion."
"What the hell-What the hell are you talking about, Mom!?
"W-We went to one of those clinics... one of those underground clinics... because Frank didn't want to spend a lot of money…"
"Yeah."
"And I had the procedure, and then they told me you were dead…"
"Okay."
"And then three months later, you popped out, happy as a clam! Sweetie, I had to keep it a secret from Frank. I never wanted the abortion in the first place. But he was married, and I knew, if he found out, he would have forced me... to get rid of you once and for all. He would have made me throw you in a Dumpster."
Literal lighting struck as Charlie came to a realization, "Oh, my... God."
In the morning...
"Nope. His skin needs to be darker, Dee." Mac said. While walking to D.B's carriage.
"Yeah, I know. We're just gonna paint this bronzing lotion on him."
"Shoe polish."
"Shoe polish?"
"Shoe polish."
"Shoe polish on a baby?"
"You're such an idiot. That's gonna look stupid and smell like shit."
"We'll see."
As they arrived at the carriage they came to a daunting realization that he was gone.
"Where's D.B?" Mac said.
Dee looked behind her. "My door's open!"
"Did he get kidnapped?" "Somebody came in and took him?"
"There's a note. There's a note!" Mac read the note. "'Taked' baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime.'"
Mac and Dee said the next line at the same time, "Charlie."
Back with Charlie…
"Feast your eyes on this!" Charlie revealed the baby underneath his large second coat. Right in the middle of the coffee shop.
"Oh, my God, Charlie. Where did you get a baby?"
"I think you know good and well where I got this baby, now don't you?"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm talkin' about you and Frank... throwin' your love child 'here in the Dumpster behind Paddy's Pub! What, did you think I wouldn't find out? Well, I did. Yeah. Yeah! What you might not know, though, is that this little baby of yours... also happens to be my half-brother."
Waitress's facial expression didn't change. "
Charlie, the incident with Frank happened three months ago. It takes nine months to make a baby, so you can just give me the baby and stop screaming."
"You know, there was a time where I would've helped you... raise this little Dumpster baby brother of mine like a son. But that's gone now, 'cause you ruined it!" Charlie was taking to the whole shop now. "You threw your babies away! And you threw your swords away! You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats! And you know what? I found them. And I'm gonna raise all of 'em!"
Charlie walked out of the shop.
Waitress knew she had to do one thing and only thought about doing one thing.
She picked up the coffee shop phone and said to one of her co-workers, "Get me the number for Child Services."
Back with Dennis and Taylor.
Sage was lying on the base of the tree, eyes closer, head slacking. Not even moving. You could even confuse him for a dead body.
Dennis and Taylor walked up to him, and Dennis said, "Hey, Sage, buddy. How are you, man? How are you feelin'? Taylor."
Taylor nodded and unlocked the chains.
Sage struggled to get up. "Guh, I... I did it. I-I saved the tree.
"Um...ye-yeah, you did…" Taylor squeaked out.
Dennis leaned to her and whispered. "Don't pussy out now. Unlock them. Get him out of there."
Taylor nodded again and finished unlocking the chains.
"Wow. I gotta say, man, I'm really impressed. I don't think I could've done what you did here today."
"Guh, I'm a hero." Sage said.
"You are. You're a hero. " Dennis picked Sage up, holding him up with the help of Taylor.
"Yep. Guh…" Sage clearly wasn't very talkative. "Come here. Come here. Come with me. Man, it is a good day to be alive. It's a good day to be alive, isn't it?" Dennis and Sage shared a laugh. While Taylor tried to awkwardly join. They laid down on the grass.
"Okay, guys. She's all yours."
The construction crew started their bulldozers and started to move out.
"You might wanna see this." Dennis said.
Sage could only watch as the tree was crushed under the bulldozer. The tree was ripped out of its root and completely decimated. Taylor could only retch at knowing she was responsible for this, as she was the one that called them.
And to twist the knife further. Dennis leaned to Sage and said, "I banged your girlfriend."
At Paddy's Pub….
"What time did he say he was gonna meet us?" Mac asked.
Dee read the note "Uh, 'later bar, night or day sometime.'"
"What does that mean?"
"I don't know."
Frank walked in from the back way. "Hey, any of you guys seen that Ali Baba sword Charlie had?"
The bewilderment showed on their faces. "What?" "The little shit dumped me in a Dumpster last night, and I'm takin' all his stuff. It's every man for himself. I gotta find that Ali Baba sword."
Dennis and Taylor walked into the Bar. Dennis clearly had more of a skip to his step.
"Pour me a shot there, Dee. I am the man."
"Why are you so chipper?" Dee said.
"Well, I got punked out by this peace activist. So what I did is, I infiltrated his organization, I banged his girlfriend, and then I teared down his little tree with the help of Taylor here."
Dee looked at Taylor. "Really? You helped this douchebag?"
Taylor looked down. "He convinced me that I would like it. That the only reason I'm not a fan of revenge is because I never tried it before."
"And how do you feel now?" Mac asked.
"I feel horrible! I feel like someone fed me a poisonous raccoon."
"Oh, come on Taylor!" Dennis said. "You can't tell me you don't feel even a little good about what we did."
There was a beat. "YES! I CAN! And you know why? YOU, don't get to tell me how I feel, You don't get to tell me what to think. I really feel horrible about this."
"Why?" Mac asked. "All you did was screw a guy over who punked you."
"Yes! And I feel bad! You guys probably think differently, but I don't believe in that eye for an eye business…"
Mac's eyes narrowed. "Then why the hell are you a supervillain?
Before Taylor could answer. Charlie walked into the bar.
"Hey, Frank! You recognize this young man right here? Or should I say, "Hey, Dad"? Yeah. That's right, everybody. Who would like to hear a mind-blowing story?"
"Nobody," Dee told him. "Give us back our baby so we can paint it."
"Oh, you're gonna paint it, huh? Well, be careful painting it, 'cause you'll be painting my brother. But I guess you already knew that, didn't you, Dad?"
"What the hell are you talkin' about, Charlie?" Frank said. As Mac and Dee painted the baby brown.
"I'm talkin' about you and the waitress dumpin' your baby in a Dumpster! And the abortion that you tried to make my mom have? Well, guess what, Frankie. It didn't take. I'm an abortion survivor, Dad! I survived the abortion, Dad!"
"Are you two really doing blackface on a fucking baby!?" Taylor said.
"Shut up taylor," Mac said.
"Yeah, not now."
"Charlie! First of all, it takes nine months to have a baby. That is not my baby. We already know who's baby it is! Second of all, your mother is feedin' you a line of crap!"
"Holy shit. You guys kept the Ali Baba sword?"
"Gimme the sword! That's the sword I want." Frank ran after him as did Charlie
"Back off, man," Dennis said.
"It's my sword anyway!" Charlie shouted.
"Stop grabbin' it!"
The three fought for the sword while yelling and screaming at each other. Right over the baby.
Until a brown-haired, white woman and two cops walked into the bar.
She got everyone's attention.
"Kayden?" Frank said.
"I'm here for my fucking child," she responded.
The baby started to cry.
A very awkward situation indeed.