Author's Note: This was by far one of my favorite pieces to write. I hope you enjoy it as well! In terms of content, it is lighter but still alludes to Courtney's depression. A big thank you to Ramona (miss_heathen - AO3 Profile) for beta reading this chapter!
As always, I've created a playlist for this chapter.
"Anger Isn't So Appealing in the Aftermath" Playlist: 1.) Alright by Supergrass, 2.) Some Nights by fun., 3.) Bodies by Drowning Pool, 4.) Take The Money And Run by Steve Miller Band, 5.) FU (feat. French Montana) by Miley Cyrus, 6.) Think About You by Kygo & Valerie Broussard, 7.) Teenagers by My Chemical Romance, 8.) Blame It On Me by Post Malone, and 9.) Waste of Time by MØ
I've also made a drawing of a moment from this chapter which can be found on my tumblr - uncorrelatedideas.
Courtney had her hand resting on her knee so Heather could paint her nails with ease. The pain in her ankle had subdued almost entirely, and it had gone back to its normal size. To pass the time during the long break, the contestants had taken up their old habits on the Island. She was relieved this is where they ended up. Moving around so much so often had taken a toll on her. It was as different as she could get from Before where she'd stay in her room whenever she could.
"And so it sounds like I'm going to sign with my mom's agency after high school." Heather swiped the polish brush down Courtney's nail, the polish matching Heather's signature burgundy.
"Wow, that's really cool." Courtney wasn't surprised, Heather had the looks of a runway model.
"I think so, too," Heather agreed, taking a small brush to clean up the sides of Courtney's nails. "But I also worry that maybe I should give school a chance. My mom always says looks aren't forever and I want to have something to fall back on."
"But your mom is still drop-dead gorgeous at her age." Courtney was baffled at the comment, and even more surprised at how nonchalant Heather had mentioned it. It was so weird to think that she had to hear that from her mom; when Courtney compared it to her mom, who rarely said anything to her but never criticized her looks, she was thankful she didn't have to be raised with those concerns.
"Right! And of course, my dad doesn't have an opinion of his own to share, he always just goes 'Whatever you want to do, dear,'" Heather lowered her voice to mimic her father's, earning a laugh from Courtney. "What do you think?"
Courtney drew her hand up to study the color: it was pretty. She wasn't sure what she'd do in Heather's position. Modeling is a very attractive job, but it has its drawbacks. Heather stared at her, waiting for her response. It surprised Courtney that she wanted to hear what she had to say, so she gave it genuine thought.
"I think that school is something that is always around. You can apply no matter your age. But modeling jobs do have specific demographics that often lean younger. If you truly want to do both, I'd tell you that school can come later and to take the modeling opportunity now."
"That is such good advice. My mom will be relieved to know I finally decided."
"I'm glad. I happen to be good at evaluating options," Courtney said in a joking tone, but it was understood she actually meant it. She may be questioning pretty much everything in her life right now, but she knew her strengths still.
"Really? Because just a few days ago you told me we should keep Duncan here," Heather deadpanned.
"I didn't say we should keep Duncan here," Courtney quickly defended herself. "I just think there are other people I'd like to get out sooner." She chose her words carefully. Of course, she wanted Duncan out, she just didn't know when it best suited her. And she wasn't going to verbalize or write her plan down anywhere. She learned her lesson on All-Stars.
Heather leaned in with a Cheshire smile. "Like who?"
Courtney felt her face turning red. Heather was good at getting people to expose their own cards and she knew pairing with her would be risky. "I don't know," Courtney claimed.
"I think I know." Heather hinted. "I bet it's Gwen."
"Gwen and I are friends now," Courtney responded.
Heather rolled her eyes. "Sure you are."
"We are!"
"Just like I'm friends with LeShawna," Heather retorted. "Come on, you don't have to act with me. Not only is she a boyfriend stealer, but she's also annoyingly good at this game. She'd be a good one to get out earlier in the game."
Heather wasn't wrong. When she looked at how far Gwen has gone, she had to admit Gwen had a likely chance at being successful this season too. With the newly agreed-to contacts, the longer you made it on the show, the better. If Gwen was a threat to Courtney staying, she wanted her gone too. Especially when she considered how nothing has changed with herself. It was disappointing that they had all been here for so long, she had gotten closer with so many people, and there is still nothing for her.
"I wouldn't mind getting the good players out soon."
"What a diplomatic response." Heather sighed, grabbing a pen of cuticle oil to swipe on her and Courtney's nails. "I miss the ruder version of you, I have no one to talk shit with this season. Spending my last summer break with these losers is such a drag."
"What would you be doing if you weren't here?" Courtney asked, hoping to move the conversation away from Gwen.
"The real question is what wouldn't I do. I think I'd go to Cabo, then a weekend at my favorite spa resort. No, several weekends. I'd tan and enjoy the view of whatever hotties are around me." Heather sounded so full of life to Courtney, she envied that. "What about you?"
What would she be doing? She didn't want to think about it, she had already been narrowly avoiding her therapist's concerns. She imagined that if she had it her way, she would be in bed right now. Maybe she'd read or stream shows. She wouldn't touch her violin, but she'd think about it a lot. She'd tell herself that she needed to move, so she'd go down to the kitchen. Her dad might make a harmless comment about her finally coming out, he may even suggest that she get out of the house and clean up. Which would only remind her how she had nowhere to go outside of the house and nothing and no one to clean up for. So she'd go up to her room again and restart the cycle.
"Nothing much, probably just relax before college."
"Boringgg," Heather dragged out.
The two went back to a comfortable silence in the cabin. It honestly had been a peaceful couple of days. Courtney had done a great job at avoiding Duncan and actually had fun with Heather.
"CAMPERS, GET YOUR LAZY BUTTS OUTSIDE," Chris' voice ruined whatever peace they had found. His voice was shrill over the intercom system on the island. The girls groaned as they dragged themselves outside.
Chris was sitting atop the lifeguard stand (the one that never had an actual lifeguard in it) with his usual devious demeanor. Courtney noted that people were sticking to their usual groups; Sadie and Katie were always together, the boys stayed together, and Bridgette, LeShawna, and Gwen seemed to get along well. Sure, Courtney had hung out with Heather on World Tour but she'd never venture to say they were friends. But maybe they were now?
Looking back, Courtney wasn't sure she had any friends before this season. It's so weird to think that now of all times she managed to get closer with others. First Tyler. Then Heather. Then Bridgette. Maybe she'd get closer to herself too. Maybe she was able to do–no–others were able to get closer to her because she was too exhausted to keep up her act from Before.
"I didn't realize you two were close," Bridgette commented as the teens formed their respective teams.
"Ha! As if." Heather flipped her hair over her shoulder before joining the rest of her team. Courtney knew that Heather was putting on a show, neither of them wanting to put an unnecessary target on their backs. Conveniently, this helped Courtney now that she had managed to find herself in three different alliances.
"Welcome, welcome. Circle around!" Chris waved them all around the vicinity of the area. Two cartons were placed in front of the stand. Each filled with colorful, not blown up balloons. "Lucky for you all, we will be sticking at good 'ole Wawanawkwa for this challenge as well! Some of you may be familiar with, though none of you competed in this challenge, … DOOM BALLOONS! Previously, these balloons came filled with lots of dangerous goodies but I thought to myself… let me give a chance to my little prodigies and let YOU fill the balloons with whatever you desire. Your goal? Don't get hit while hitting as many people on the other team. Once hit, you are eliminated."
"What do we do if we get eliminated?" Cody asked with a raised hand.
"Again, Cody, you don't have to raise your hand to ask a question. Enough of the other brats have proven that. But a great question, nonetheless! Elimination doesn't mean you're completely out this go-around. Instead, you can continue to help your team by trying to get the others out. Just know that if you get hit that's one less member to be counted at the end of the TWO-hour game–one for prep, one for throwing. Any other questions?"
"Ooo, I have one! Izzy has one!" Izzy jumped up and down, already a bright balloon in her hand. "What can we put in the balloons? More importantly, is there anything Izzy can't put in the balloons? OH, and I'm back to Izzy now!"
"Thanks for the update, Izzy." Chris displayed a strained smile. Izzy's energy was always difficult to keep up with. "There is nothing you can't put in the balloons! But! Because of a certain unnecessary contract," Chris said in an annoyed tone while narrowing his eyes towards Courtney. "You can't put anything in them that would cause 'irreparable physical damage.' So boring."
"Boring or humane," Courtney shot back.
"Humane schmumane, no more questions! Your hour of prep starts… NOW!"
The two teams rushed forward, each member grabbing as many balloons as they could carry.
"Guys, I have like the best idea for our balloons," Sadie squealed. "My hair ties! I brought like a TON and the beads on them hurt really bad whenever I mess up my pigtails."
"O-M-G, mine hurt too! That's such a good idea," Katie agreed, the two of them harmonizing in their squealing.
The team collectively turned to scope out the Gophers and saw Izzy mixing several things together. "Something tells me whatever Izzy's making is more lethal, guys," DJ worried.
"Yeah, DJ's right. Besides, I have something cooler and will hurt 'em. Give me a sec." Duncan ran off to the boys' cabin and quickly came back with a glass case that he struggled to hold up.
"Uh, I don't think we can fit that into the balloons, dude," Tyler chuckled.
"Not the case, dumbass, the rocks." Duncan set the case down and grabbed one of the shiny rocks that lined the bottom half. "This is Scruffy 2.0's cage. I got these rocks with my winnings. They're super heavy and badass looking! Who knew I'd get to throw them at people."
"This is what you spent your winnings on?" Courtney asked. Leave it to Duncan to spend that money on something meaningless. If she ever won, she was sure she'd immediately put it in savings or invest. She'd pay for school with it, too.
"Yes, I like to treat my Scruffy 2.0 good. Instead of questioning me, why don't we actually fill our balloons?"
The hour of prep passed quickly. The Bass settled on using Duncan's rocks. Any spare balloons left were filled with whatever they could manage. Whatever the Gophers chose–or really whatever Izzy made–had a bit of a musty smell to it. Courtney did not want to stink all day. It seemed like she wasn't the only one hesitating as no one had thrown a balloon despite the second hour arriving.
"Guys, come on! Someone could seriously get hurt. Is appeasing Chris really worth this?" Gwen asked the group. Courtney took a step back letting her hand drop to her side, she saw most of her peers also rescind from their offensive stances. Normally, Courtney would address a situation like this and agree that violence was never the answer. Hell, she requested it in the contract she worked out with production. But, right now, she didn't feel peaceful. No. Not peaceful at all.
She felt fucking pissed.
"You know what, Gwen? I think you have a really good point, just like I thought you had a good point at All-Stars." Courtney felt her fingers clench the balloon, the rocks stretching the latex.
"Thanks?" Gwen let out an awkward laugh, clearly catching on to the resenting tone of Courtney's response.
"You're welcome. You're really good at making others feel like what they're doing is wrong and sway them to act differently. I guess that's how you get so far in every season," Courtney pressed on, she couldn't remember the last time she took the lead in a conversation let alone talked this much. "I mean you made me feel like the biggest piece of shit that ever came on this show for trying to get to the end with someone other than you. God forbid someone threatens your game."
"Uh, Courtney, what are you talking about?" Gwen had taken a step back, faltering on a pebble that her wedge landed on.
The balloon felt ready to burst in Courtney's fist. "I'm so glad you asked, Gwen. I'm talking about how you gave me an ultimatum. After working all season to become my friend, you made sure I'd have no choice but to leave the show, remember? I do! I remember how you said if I didn't vote myself off, you would. You made it sound like you'd try to spare me if I owned up to doing something wrong! But, guess what? I did nothing wrong! I played the fucking game, too many times to count. And here I am yet again, but this time I've caught on to your little act."
Gwen rolled her eyes, keeping her cool as she always did. "Courtney, there's no act. I just don't feel like getting injured or sacrificing my self-worth for a stupid game show."
Every time Gwen said Courtney's name it felt like a reprimand, a reminder of her place on the show. The Type A CIT bitch. It made her feel like shit.
"Ha!" Courtney let out a strained laugh. By this time the other contestants had backed up forming a large ring around the two. It felt like a fight was about to break out and they would all observe, some may even egg it on. "Yeah, you'd never dare sacrifice your righteousness to this show. You'd just make fun of me. Kiss my boyfriend. Gaslight me into believing he wasn't my boyfriend when you two hooked up. Then make me feel guilty for not being friends with you. You'll put anyone down to maintain this untouchable image of yourself, and, to be frank, I'm over it."
The next moments felt like slow motion to Courtney. She felt the rage bubble up, directing her to raise her arm and get the balloon ready to fire. She doesn't remember everything that happened, but she did remember screaming.
"AND THAT'S FOR MAKING ME VOTE MYSELF OFF!" Courtney threw a balloon that slammed into Gwen's chest knocking her onto the ground. A hush fell over the battle scene. Courtney felt a wave of triumph overflow her. It felt like her rib cage was expanding and that oddly enough she could open her eyes wider. The physical sensations didn't make sense when she considered what was happening, but she never could make sense of feelings. God, it felt so good to get that off her chest.
While Courtney was sure she looked and sounded crazy, the cameras surrounding the teenagers told a different story. Later when this would air on international television viewers would see someone confident. People would see a version of Courtney that was no longer an empty shell but had outgrown the mold the Before her had left.
"Holy shit," Owen let out a whispered breath. The contestants were each sharing looks among each other.
LeShawna ran over to where Gwen fell, "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I think so," Gwen answered raising herself to rest on her elbows. "What the FUCK is your problem?"
Courtney was already grabbing another balloon to continue on, she didn't bother to look back at the goth. "If I have to answer that, you clearly weren't listening."
"You know what guys, forget everything I said." Gwen stood up, a determined look on her face. "Let's beat the shit out of them!"
Courtney felt someone grab her forearm tightly. She managed to throw one more balloon towards the Gophers' vicinity but was quickly dragged off into the woods. She turned forward and saw Duncan's bright mohawk blowing in the wind. He was sprinting, she could barely keep up. He didn't let up until they reached a cave the two had visited frequently during their first season together. He dropped her arm after leading them away into it and trotted to the opening. She guessed he was checking if the two were followed. When he came back to where she stood and didn't start running again, she assumed they hadn't been followed.
The two just stared at each other. Duncan's blue eyes were wide, darker in the shade of the cave. Maybe he was in a state of shock? She didn't want to be the first to speak, she was all talked out. A few more silent moments passed before Duncan crumpled to the ground. It was like he folded in on himself. He buried his head in his hands, hiding his face from her.
She looked around awkwardly, not able to make out much this far into the cave. She assumed there still weren't any cameras here as no footage of their time here had been aired. Chris never would have passed up an opportunity to air more of their private interactions than he already had. When she failed to find any glare of a camera lens, she lowered herself to the ground. It's times like this where she hated that she didn't wear a watch. Before, she had been concerned with tan lines and didn't want a random band of paler skin just so she could have another device tell her the time. But now she would give anything to have something else to look at other than this unprecedented form of Duncan.
"God, Courtney." Duncan sighed, finally breaking the silence. "To be completely honest, I'm a mixture of afraid, angry, and aroused right now."
Her name sounded different from him; unnatural compared to his nicknames, but still rolled off the tongue.
"Ew, Duncan." Courtney gagged.
"Well, you know how I feel about you acting out!"
"And you know how I feel when you talk about that stuff years after we've broken up!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, what the FUCK was that?"
Courtney pursed her lips. That's a good question: what was that? That was her realizing that she couldn't trust anyone but herself. She spent an entire season taking down her walls so that she and Gwen could be close again and she ended up being hurt because of it. That was her realizing she had the power to set boundaries. That was her realizing she owed no one anything, including herself. She didn't have to live up to some previous ideal she had set for herself.
"That was…me blowing off steam."
"That's you blowing off steam?" Duncan let out a laugh of disbelief. "Princess, that was you fucking exploding. I don't think I've ever seen you like that. I mean, Gwen could have seriously been hurt with how hard you threw that!"
Princess sounded natural.
"Whose idea was it to put rocks in the balloon, Duncan? If she was hurt, it was both of our faults. Fitting considering how the two of you hurt me. No amount of balloons filled with overpriced stones could make either of you feel how I felt."
Shit. Where did that come from? It was like she opened the gates to emotions and couldn't shut it. God, she couldn't decide which she preferred. The comfort but insanity-inducing numbness or uncontrollable fits of emotions. Why wasn't anything changing? Here she was, standing in front of the person who ripped her to pieces on international television! She just threw a balloon of fucking ROCKS at the girl who kissed her boyfriend when she was supposed to be her friend! She's dated Scott after Duncan, she's supposed to have moved on! She's supposed to be ok now, it's been years!
But she wasn't.
"And, you know what," Courtney pressed on, her anger swelling, filling the crevices of the cave, forcing Duncan to back up. She didn't have to be considerate of him, she didn't have to leave space for the asshole who forced her to work alongside him after breaking her heart. "I'M NOT SORRY! You guys have it so fucking easy, you get to move on. You get to experience a new After every fucking day. You don't have to be frozen in a repetitive, never-changing, never-yielding existence."
She wasn't crying, she was just shouting. How dare he be angry with her? What the FUCK did he think was going to happen when he put ROCKS in the balloons? That they'd lightly toss them at the others' feet? That no one would get hurt? Duncan didn't care about who got hurt unless it affected him, then suddenly it was a big deal.
Duncan looked so confused. Of course, he wouldn't get it. His life is simple. It's black and white. He could do whatever he wanted and worry later about the consequences—no, Duncan didn't worry. He'd just wind up in an endless cycle of jail time then probation and back and forth. Maybe he would be stuck like Courtney one day. When they didn't have the privilege this franchise granted. The immunity. It was like life wasn't real on this show. Would she have thrown a balloon of rocks at Gwen outside of the show? Obviously not. But it's different here.
"What the fuck do you mean after?" Duncan asked. She wasn't going to explain shit to him. She owed him no explanation. "And you should be fucking sorry! Yeah, it was my idea but I didn't say pitch a fucking fastball at them! You sit there on your throne and judge me for breaking rules but look how psychotic you are when you let everything get pent up!"
"Psychotic!" Courtney let out a maniacal laugh. "Yeah, God forbid your Princess reacts in any way you disapprove."
Princess didn't feel natural when she used it.
"This has nothing to do with my expectations. Believe it or not, it's common fucking courtesy to not knock the air out of someone even when you're on a game show."
"Whatever, Duncan!" Courtney threw her hands up in the air. She didn't want to be here with him. She didn't want to be on this island. She didn't want to be. "Why the fuck are we here?"
Duncan opened his mouth but no words came out. The beats of silence that followed felt like tranquilizers. Forcing the two of them to acknowledge their demeanors. Courtney hadn't shouted in a long time. Maybe on All-Stars? Though she believed she was a much-subdued version of herself there. The others would likely disagree, but she hasn't been the same since Action if she was being honest with herself. She remembered that's when she was pushed into her first therapy session.
The yelling had felt good, she thought. Yeah, it felt good. She spent All-Stars ignoring Gwen and Duncan and had decided to do the same here. But clearly failed. It felt nice to lean into the failure, she wasn't used to that word. Failure.
"I didn't want you to get hurt." Duncan brought her back to Now. "That's why we're here."
"Oh."
"There's no guessing what Izzy put in those balloons."
"Yeah."
He didn't want her to get hurt. Was she supposed to care if she got hurt? She didn't.
"And the way you acted out there, I didn't recognize it."
"Yeah, it's been a while since I spoke freely in front of you. Most of the time I just hope to get away from you and her but you both seem to make that impossible." She was blunt. He flinched a little, barely noticeable but she saw his eyebrow piercing move.
"Fair… What can I say? You're magnetic." Duncan winked, clearly trying to force the conversation to go in a manageable, familiar direction.
"Sure, I am."
"Maybe not before, but haven't you noticed it this go-around?"
"Noticed what?"
"How everyone seems to be with you. Tyler. Heather. Bridgette. Hell, even Katie and Sadie seem to orbit around you."
"I think that's just what you think, Duncan." Courtney disagreed.
"Maybe, I do think about you a lot." It felt like the words slipped out of Duncan. "But, come on, Heather painted your nails today. When was the last time she let anyone use her stuff?" He rushed to cover up his words.
She looked down at her pristine nails and cuticles. She never did them before. She took care of them in her Before. Well early Before at this point. She liked to maintain an image of perfection. That obviously went wayward with the show. It was weird that when she felt the least perfect she had ever been was when her nails looked the most perfect. Ironic maybe? Maybe this was the trick to a desirable After. Appearing perfect. Not a failure. Not empty. But paint the shell of herself to look like something correct, something meant to be here.
"That's true, but she was just bored. It's been a while since we've had a break that long while on the show."
"I don't think that's it. I think you have friends."
"Well, geez Duncan, thanks! I'm glad it comes as such a shock to you that I manage to have friendly interactions with people here." Courtney deadpanned.
"Ok." Duncan cringed. "That came out wrong."
"Everything you say is wrong," she shot back.
"God, just fucking take a compliment!"
"From you? No thanks!"
"I swear to God." Duncan threw his hands over his eyes, clearly frustrated with her. "Whatever, let's just drop it."
"Gladly."
Duncan pulled a phone out of his back pocket.
"Hey." Courtney grabbed it. "How'd you get to bring a phone in here?" The screen came live with a picture of Duncan's skull carved into some innocent object. She rolled her eyes; he couldn't leave anything alone.
He snatched the phone back. "Chris made me take the SIM card out or whatever the thing is that makes it work. It's basically just an MP3 player." He looked at the screen. "There's still 20 minutes left in the hour. Should we go back out there?"
Stay in a cave—their cave—alone with Duncan or go out into the forest with her teammates? Hmmm, hard decision. Not. "Let's go, please."
"Shit." Duncan let out a breath. It was a battlefield. No contestant was unscathed. Despite everyone being out of the competition, the teenagers weren't holding back. Balloons were whizzing back and forth. Courtney yanked on Duncan's arm this time, sprinting through the woods to make sure the two of them remain untouched.
"What the hell got into them?" he screamed forward, narrowly dodging an incoming balloon.
Courtney could only manage a passing glance over her shoulder before she shoved him down onto the ground. A balloon busted on the trunk beside them. This was a shitshow. "Come on," she ordered, yanking him back up and running in zig-zags. She was sure that one of her trainings taught her to do this.
"Looks like I'm not the only psychotic one here," she shot the snarky remark over her shoulder. "How much time is left?"
"God, we still have 10 minutes. We should've stayed in the fucking cave!"
"KEEP GOING GUYS." The two sprinted faster as their teammates were cheering them on.
"I've got it from here," Eva had a horrific face on as she came out of nowhere with an armful of balloons. Courtney looked back to see Gophers start running in the other direction. She saw Eva hit Cody in the face. It should've been Justin but he had yanked the shorter one in front of him and ducked behind.
"My nose!" Cody cried, throwing his hands up to his face. Blood dripped out from behind them.
"I can't let my face get hurt! It's my moneymaker," Justin cried. He only seemed to have been hit in a few places. Each balloon must've had a color dusting on it, leaving a bright residue wherever it hit.
"Justin, if you don't stop being a freaking WUSS you're gonna lose any chance at this money," Heather screamed at him, chucking a balloon at his ass.
"I'M ON YOUR TEAM," Justin cried, gripping his butt where she hit.
"WELL, YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF!"
After that, it became a frenzy of balloons, no one seeming to care where theirs landed as long as it landed on someone. Courtney and Duncan seemed to have been long forgotten.
"Jesus Christ," another voice joined them. She turned to see Chris with wide eyes and an even wider grin. "I don't say it enough, but I freaking love you kids." Was he tearing up?
"Time's up," Chef grunted from behind the three. "They've had enough."
"Fine," Chris moaned. He raised his megaphone to his mouth, "TIMES UP KIDDOS!"
No one stopped.
"Holy shit, you guys are insane," Chris laughed. "Chef, will you please handle this?"
Chef just grunted in response, stepping forward grabbing each contestant by their shirt collar and flinging them to the side. Soon enough everyone was laying on the ground baffled by the sudden entrance of Chef.
"Looks like Duncan and Courtney here both came out unscathed." Chris circled the two of them seeing no powder on either of them. "GOPHERS, MEET ME DOWN AT THE CAMPFIRE IN 15 MINUTES!" Chris shouted—unnecessarily—into the megaphone.
Each contestant slowly raised themselves up, groaning as they did so. Courtney and Duncan had been frozen in place ever since Eva passed them. Courtney's hand was still gripping Duncan's wrist. The cameras would catch Duncan's blush and Courtney's blank stare. The contestants walked around them, some also noticing the lingering touch.
Courtney finally felt back in the Now when Tyler approached her. Her hand dropped Duncan's wrist; she didn't even notice that it had been there.
"What happened?" Courtney asked Tyler. "We came out and it was insane."
"Man, it was like crazy, eh? You threw the first balloon and then Duncan pulled you away, right? But Gwen had shot a balloon at you and hit Eva instead! It was like a food fight scene from a movie. Everyone got involved so quickly! I'm glad you two were able to hide. Where'd you go," Tyler talked quickly as he recalled the events of the last hour.
Courtney felt herself hesitate to say where they went. Why did she not want to answer? It wasn't incriminating.
"We found a hideout," Duncan answered before she could, in an extremely vague way.
"Lucky you. Whatever Izzy packed into those balloons hurt like hell! It was like you were getting road burn just from something hitting you." Tyler rubbed at his shoulder which was covered in bright powder.
Courtney felt guilty for coming out of this unscathed when she started the whole thing. "Come on." Courtney pulled Tyler's sleeve to tell him to follow her. "Duncan and I will help you all get something on those injuries. It's my fault for you all getting hurt anyway."
Tyler had been following alongside her but stopped in his tracks. "It's not your fault, Courtney."
"Sure it is, I threw the first balloon. Gwen had even managed to get everyone to drop their weapons and I had to throw one for my own personal issues. It was completely unprofessional"
"Professional? It was a competition! Someone was going to through the first balloon. We all want to win, eh?" Tyler was being too kind to her. It was annoying. Objectively, she is the reason why Eva got hit which is why she threw a balloon in the first place. Why was everyone being so nice to her? She deserved to get yelled at!
"You all got hurt," Courtney said in a stern tone. She was getting fed up. "And it was my-"
Duncan grabbed her wrist, stopping her before she could say anything else. "Go to the nurse's tent. We'll meet you there."
Tyler looked weirdly at the two of them, he didn't budge. He looked at Courtney with a raised eyebrow, silently asking if it was ok to leave her with him. Why was he so freaking nice to her? Courtney nodded at him. Tyler nodded, "Ok, I'll see you guys there."
Courtney wouldn't look at Duncan. Silence fell over the two of them.
"You don't need to get mad at Tyler. I mean, you can. I don't care, frankly, the dude kinda annoys the shit out of me. Especially since he's gotten closer to you but that's beside the point," Duncan rambled, his words filling the silence that had grown to an awkward point. "I guess I'm trying to say: stop getting mad at everyone. Earlier it was Gwen and now it's Tyler."
"First of all," Courtney started, already pissed Duncan thinks he has any authority to tell her what to do. "Don't order me around. Second of all, I'm not mad at anyone. Well, I'm still a little mad at Gwen. But I'm not mad at Tyler."
She wasn't mad at Tyler. She was just frustrated. She felt like she was being babied. In past seasons, no one cared about her getting far. But Tyler had reached out to make sure she was ok mentally. In less than a day, he was able to tell something was wrong. Or off? He was able to tell that Now was worse than Before. It made her uncomfortable. It kept her on edge. But she wasn't mad.
"Your tone could've fooled me!"
She didn't realize she had taken a tone.
"Since when do you pay attention to tone?"
"I pay attention to everything when it comes to you," he shot back, quickly. Too quickly. His face turned red, she thought he must have been embarrassed.
"Oh," was all Courtney could say. It seemed like it was all she could ever say around him. A few beats of silence passed, each reminding her she had been alone with Duncan during an entire challenge once again. And they were alone now. She didn't want to be. "Let's go check on everyone."
"I'm sorry if I was rude earlier," Courtney muttered while wrapping Tyler's wrist in gauze. "Even though I don't think I was," she added under her breath.
Tyler laughed. "You weren't, we're all stressed so it makes sense to get annoyed with one another."
"I wasn't annoyed with you!"
"Uh," he dragged out the syllable. "You seemed stressed?"
"I'm not," she quickly denied. "I just feel like things are going wrong that I should know how to prevent by now."
"What do you mean by that, eh?"
"I mean, we've been on this show for so long now and I just fell into Chris' trap. It's so below me to get violent, I don't know what comes over me when I'm here."
"Maybe you should stop considering things as 'beneath you' when you're just human. All of us get angry."
He was right but she couldn't help but think about how much more dread awaits her in After. Her mom was already ashamed of her ever since she started coming on this show and she just kept giving her mother more reasons to regret her.
"I can't afford more mistakes," she said curtly. She couldn't. Arguably the only thing keeping her in the Now is that she's still proud of who she is. Or she liked to think she was. She always had her pride.
Tyler didn't say anything else. She was sure he felt like he was talking to a wall. He basically was.
The exhaustion hit her all at once. She excused herself, apologizing again for her behavior to the rest of her team. She trudged back to her cabin, not bothering to clean up. Along the way she heard Chris' performative voice fill the air announcing that Justin would be riding the boat of losers tonight. That seemed fitting. She heard the door creak shut, the cabin was empty; it was a relief.
She didn't bother to change her clothes or pull the covers back before flopping down on her subpar mattress. Her pillow felt flat, she grabbed both ends of it to fluff it and noticed her nails had already chipped. What a waste of time.
If you or your loved ones are struggling with suicidal thoughts or disorderly eating, please know you are not alone. There are many people out there who work for supportive organizations that offer help. Please see below for the numbers of accessible resources.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255 (24/7 services)