Chapter 38

"You can't just sit and watch her breathe. It will drive you nuts. She is sleeping, so you should be too."

"I should be the one saying that to you."

"Come on. Come lay down with me. It's been almost a week now and she is doing great. Let's go get some sleep while we can."

"Sorry. I really should be the one calming you down. I just… I only meant to come check on her and come right back to bed. I guess I lost track of time."

"I would say so," Callie says, chuckling.

Standing up and kissing Katie on the cheek, she brushes her hair back behind her ear and turns to see Callie smiling.

"What?"

"You are amazing. Completely and utterly amazing. I just want you to know that."

"Well, everyone else would say that is debatable."

"Nah, I think everyone else would totally agree. Now, let's get some sleep. She will be up before we know it," Callie says, holding her hand out for Arizona to take.

Making their way back into the on-call room where they have stayed every night for the past week, Callie sighs contentedly as she sits on the bed then lays down to get comfortable.

"You know, it seems I don't have to worry as much now because I have you to do it for me."

"I'm sorry. I just… I don't know. I mean, being a doctor is one thing and the worry we have for our tiny patients. I've just never been on this side of things," Arizona says, laying down and pulling Callie in to wrap her arm around her.

"it's different when you're the parent, huh?"

"Yeah. I mean, no… I mean, you are obviously the parent. I just…" Arizona contemplates what to say. "I guess it is just different being on the non-medical side."

Sighing, Callie pulls away from Arizona and leans up on her elbow, so she can see Arizona better. "A week ago, you took Katie off the machines and she has been breathing on her own since. And for a week, you have spent every second you could with her, afraid something was going to go wrong, when you knew statistically, every second she was off the machines, the better her chances of staying off of it were. You are more than her doctor Arizona. It's ok to feel that way."

"Your daughter is amazingly strong. She is a fighter. I don't know why I am feeling this way. It should be me comforting you, you know?"

Smiling, Callie traces her hand along Arizona's jawline. "You are forgetting, I have been a parent for four years. It's not that I just get used to her health being in question or get used to things being uncertain, but I have had four years to get used to this feeling. This is new for you. It's overwhelming at times, but you will learn to adjust and cope with it. It's never easy watching and feel like you are waiting on the other shoe to drop. It's just… you learn that being a parent is living in a constant state of fear. Even when she was healthy, before all of this happened, I worried all the time. I'm used to this. But, I know it's a new feeling for you, and I just want you to know that I understand, but it will get easier."

Arizona was hanging on every word Callie just said. She exhales a deep breath. "But, I should still be the one helping you to do deal with this."

"I don't think you got my point," Callie says, reaching to bring Arizona's hand up to her mouth for a gentle kiss.

"No, I get it. I know you are used to dealing with the uncertainty. But, I should still be the one comforting you."

"I am, but that's not the point I was trying to make. I… I think you are much more than her doctor Arizona. I don't think you have realized it was even happening, but you are feeling like a mom, Arizona. You have become a mom and didn't even really realize it was happening. And being a mom comes with all these feelings that we can't control and they overwhelm us and they take hold of us. People can explain what it's like to be a mom, but I think that until you become one, you have absolutely no idea how all-consuming it is. And, I could be wrong, but I think that's what's going on. I think you are a mom now and with it, you have all these feelings that you never had to worry about before. It's just… indescribable. And I get it."

"Callie, I'm not… I know that's not… I mean, you are her mom. I know that. I'm not trying to… "

"Arizona. Breathe," Callie says, sitting up. "I know that you know I am her mom. But, we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, even though you just turned down my proposal, and…"

"Calliope…" Arizona says, blowing out a breath of air, moving her bangs slightly as she rolls her eyes.

Chuckling, Callie says, "I'm just kidding. But… I know as sure as we are sitting here, that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. And maybe we should have had this talk before now, so that I know what you want, as far as Katie is concerned."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I should have brought it up before now, about what kind of role you want in Katie's life. Because, I have to be honest, when I decided that you were it for me, I knew I wanted you to be Katie's mom. I want that for her… for you be a mom to her as much as I am. And to me, you are her mom, whether you realize it or not. And I think that's why you are beside yourself with worry right now. I think you are feeling like her mom. And to me, that's a good thing. It's an amazing thing. But.. I don't know if you think that's a good thing. Maybe you don't want to be a mom. Maybe you didn't want this. Maybe you just wanted to be like a… like a cool aunt or something. Maybe you just want to be the step-mom."

"Calliope… you, you really want me to be her mom?"

"Of course I do, Arizona. You put her first before anyone or anything else. You show up for her. You love her. That's what a mom does. But… if that's not what you want…"

"No! It is!" Arizona almost says, a little too loudly, cutting Callie off. "I mean, it is. Being her mom is as much a part of my dream as marrying you is. I mean, I didn't understand why parents got so crazy… but I get it now. And I think you are right. I mean, I have been having all these feelings and I've been making myself sick, worrying about whether she is going to just quit breathing. And I know she is hooked up to monitors, so we will know if that happens, but it's just, I want to sit and just watch her breathe. Like every breath, I want to watch. I couldn't put it into words until you said what you did, but I think you are right. I think… I think I feel like a mom. And it's the best but most terrifying feeling in the world."

"It is," Callie says, grinning, as she reaching out to cup Arizona's cheek in her hand, then leans in to give her a kiss. "I love you. I love that you love Katie. And whatever happens with this trial that I know is going to happen, I want you to know, that George is nothing but a sperm donor. As far as I'm concerned, she is our daughter Arizona. Ours."

"You really mean that?" Arizona asks, timidly.

"I do. You love her in a way that I could have only hoped for, Arizona. I don't want you to feel like this is something you have to do though, if you need more time… I mean, I would understand that."

"Calliope, I don't need more time to know that I love that little girl, and that I can't wait to be there, every step of the way."

"Good, then come here momma," Callie says, pulling Arizona closer. We need to get some sleep, because our daughter will be up before you know it."

"I love the sound of that."

"Me too. Me too…" Callie says, kissing Arizona on the forehead.

"You know, I think this is the longest we have went without having sex," Arizona says, as she plays with the skin she finds under Callie's shirt.

"Yeah. I'm sorry. Also a joy of parenting. By the time we have laid down this week, we have been exhausted."

"No need to be sorry. Just means we have a lot to make up for."

"Maybe if she has another good day tomorrow, we can see if someone can come and sit with her for a little while and we can see about making some of that up?"

"Oh, I love the way you think, Calliope," Arizona says as her hands begins to still its movements. "I love you."

"I love you too, Arizona."

XXXXXXX

When Callie wakes up, the bed is once again empty. She looks in the bathroom and it is empty as well, meaning she knows where Arizona probably is. She makes her way into the bathroom and gets ready for the day, making the bed and gathering their things to take back to Katie's room.

Making her way into Katie's room, she is met by the most precious site. Sitting in the chair, with Katie on her lap, Arizona is reading her a story. Without all the tubes now, it is a lot easier to move Katie around, and they have taken to holding her a good bit over the last week. Not only has she been breathing on her own, but she is moving her hands so much better and holding onto their hands more. She hasn't found her little voice yet and Callie is aching to hear her try to talk again. The therapists told them the more they talk and read to her, the quicker she may try to mimic them and use her own voice.

"I figured I would find you here," Callie says, making her way over to give both her girls a kiss.

"Sorry. I just… couldn't sleep. And when I came in, her eyes were wide open so we have been cuddling ever since."

"Well, I think she is starting to feel a lot better. She has been awake a lot more the past couple of days."

"Yeah, I think so too. PT came by a little bit ago and said that a speech therapist was going to come in and start working with her this week. They said they want to meet with you for a team meeting in the next day or two. They are wanting to start coordinating with all the therapists and get everyone on the same page."

"I'll make sure we schedule it so we can both be there," Callie says. Not that she has had anything come up to where Arizona hasn't been there, but she wants to make sure Arizona knows she doesn't want her there just as her doctor… but as her equal. As her other mom. Everything with George makes this complicated, but she intends to make sure Arizona feels as much a part of all decisions as she can.

Smiling, Arizona nods. She can see that her life just changed it an amazing way, and she can't wait to see this little girl grow up and to know what role Callie wants for her. She pretty well knew that's what Callie wanted, but she knew not to assume. Truth be known, she knew as well that the talk they had last night should have already happened, but she is so glad they finally talked.

Hearing someone else enter the room, a man dressed in a suit, holding a manila envelope in his hand cleared his throat. "Is there a Calliope Torres here?"

Her heart sinking, knowing what that envelope contains, she clears her throat. "Um, that's me," Callie says, stepping closer to the man.

Walking closer to Callie, the man holds the envelope out. "You've been served. Have a good day."

Closing her eyes, she grabs the envelope and shakes her head. She knew it was going to happen, but she thought she had a little more time.

"Calliope…" Arizona says, standing to gently lay Katie back on her bed, watching as Callie just stands there, with tears welling in her eyes.

Arizona gets Katie situated and makes her way over to Katie. "I'm right here…"

Nodding her head, she looks to the envelope and holds it out to Arizona. "Will you open it? I can't… I just can't look."

"Yeah," Arizona says softly, taking the envelope from Callie. Taking a deep breath, she slowly opens the envelope , pulling the papers out and sitting the envelope down on the table. Looking at Callie before her eyes drift back to the papers, she takes in the printed words before her, then closes her eyes.

"What is it?" Callie chokes out.

"He filed for full custody," Arizona says, quietly. Then, just as quickly, says, "But we knew this was coming. And we are ready. The lawyer has been amazing and told us what you… what we could expect. So… we've got this. George isn't going to win this one."

"I know we were expecting it, but it doesn't make it any easier. I hope you are right. But…"

"No. No buts, Calliope. He may have started this war, but we will win it. We have to believe that all the way through this. We have to. Life didn't bring us together to have George tear us apart. Our family. Is staying. Together."