Chapter 45
The only sounds filling the Torres living room, are the soft breathing sounds coming from the monitor in Callie's hand. The soft sounds become a sharp knife, slicing through the otherwise deafening silence that has settled between the two women. Both unaware of the thoughts going through the others' mind. Callie turns away from Arizona and looks towards the ceiling, as a tear threatens to fall down her face. Arizona turns and sits back down on the couch and places her head in her hands.
Callie silently looks back to Arizona and begins making her way over and sits down on the coffee table, right in front of Arizona, waiting on Arizona to look up, but she doesn't.
"Arizona… will you please look at me?"
When Arizona doesn't look up, Callie takes a deep breath and begins to talk. "I hope you know I didn't mean it the way it came out. With my track record tonight, I know you probably doubt that, but I didn't mean that you aren't her mom."
"You know, I think you did though," Arizona says, pulling her hands away from her face in time for tears to start streaming down. "Just when I start to feel like her mom, you go and make me feel like… like… nothing."
"Arizona, no. I apologized for earlier. And if you would hear me out, I can explain what I just said. And I know how it sounded, but I wasn't diminishing your role."
Arizona doesn't say anything, but lets out a disbelieving chuckle.
"I know you are her mom too. I wasn't trying to make you feel like you aren't her mom."
"But you are! You can't want me to adopt her one second and then not even care what I think the next. You said that as her mom, it is your decision. You made it clear with one sentence where I stand."
"That's not what I said. I mean, it is what I said, but not what I meant," Callie says, as Arizona fights back tears. "What I meant is that I have fought with doctors for years. Arizona, they would have had me pulling her off of life support months ago if I hadn't fought for her. I have had to fight tooth and nail to get her where she is now. I have fought and argued and had my opinion disregarded so much, that I seem to always have to go on the defensive when I'm fighting for her. When you said, that as her doctor, you didn't recommend it, I kind of blocked out the rest of what you said. I guess for just a second, you were the doctor, and not the other mom, and I felt like I was fighting with the other doctors all over again. I felt like I wasn't being heard. And I just, went back to my old way of dealing with things. I said as her mother, it was my decision. I get how that sounds, but that was me thinking of you as her doctor, not her mom. I guess I didn't register the rest of what you said until I saw the look on your face, and then it hit me."
"Callie, I want to believe that. I think you want to believe that," Arizona says, looking up into Callie's eyes, as she takes a deep breath. "You know, I thought it would be ok if I continued on as her doctor. I thought I could keep that role separate. But now. I believe it is in everyone's best interest if I let someone else take over as her primary doctor. If me being her doctor overrides everything else, i need to step back. I don't want that to be your first thought when you think of me. So Monday, we need to turn her case over, officially, to someone else, because I can't be 'just her doctor' anymore."
"Arizona, that isn't what I want. And that's not all you are.., You can't just..."
"I'm sorry, but I can," Arizona says, holding her hand up, and stopping Callie. "I think at this point, for both of our sakes, and hers, this is what needs to be done. We both knew I couldn't be her doctor forever. We knew we were treading a very thin line. My roles can't run together. I can't be with you and butt heads with you as her doctor. Our relationship is so important to me. I want to be your equal, not less and certainly not more. But, I am not the enemy here. All I have ever done, since before I even met Katie, was try to make the best decisions possible for her. I have advocated for her and have given you no reason to believe I would do anything that isn't in her best interest. But even at that, it seems you have completely lumped me in with all the other doctors and you felt you needed to go on the defense with me. So we aren't doing this. We aren't putting ourselves in that position again. I'm removing that option. I will give my professional opinion if asked, but someone else needs to take the lead."
"Ok."
"And for the rest of what you said… it doesn't really matter if you blocked out the rest of what I said. You didn't stop to consider me in the first place. The thing is, we should be making all the decisions together, and that isn't happening."
When Callie doesn't say anything, Arizona continues. "Maybe we need to put the adoption on hold for now. I will just go back to being Arizona to her. To be honest, I am not sure that you are ready for more than that yet. I think you thought you were, but maybe tonight has shown otherwise," Arizona says, sadly.
"No Arizona. That's not what I want." Callie says, standing up and beginning to wave her arms. "You can't just go around and make decisions that affect all of us. You are deciding someone else will be her doctor and now that we should wait on the adoption. What makes you think you just get to arbitrarily decide everything?"
"That's rich, coming from you right now," Arizona says, as she also stands up, but keeps a little distance between herself and Callie. "It didn't matter before, but now you want us talking things over."
Callie stops to think about what she just said, and shakes her head. "This isn't how I wanted our weekend to go. I mean, we are supposed to be upstairs in the tub and now I feel like everything is a mess and I don't know what to do to fix it."
"Look, Calliope… I love you. With everyone I have, I love you. Part of what I love about you is that you are always saying exactly what is on your mind. I never really have to wonder what you are thinking. You speak before thinking, and usually, I find it amusing because you make it hard for yourself to keep anything private. But usually, it's not me at the receiving end of it. And as much as you think you didn't mean to cut me out of the equation, I think it shows that you aren't ready to co-parent. Not fully, and not yet. And I get it. It's just been you for a long time and you didn't have to consult anyone. And that's ok. She is your daughter, and I am just fortunate enough to get to be a part of her life. So adoption right now is the last thing we need to be thinking about. I don't think you are as ready for it as what you thought, and, I..."
"I am, Arizona. Don't say that. I love you more than anything, and I want you to be her mom. That's what I want, I promise you."
"I think your heart wants it, but your mind hasn't caught up to it," Arizona says, with a sad smile. "Look, the thing is, people get married all the time, and just because they are married, doesn't mean the other person is automatically mom or dad. Maybe we got caught up in a little bubble and we weren't being practical. Maybe, if we are honest, we rushed. I mean, we have known each other, what, six months?"
"Arizona, how long we have known each other doesn't matter. I love you. I know we don't see eye to eye on this right now, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to be her mom."
"You want me to be her mom in theory, but just not have a say in the matter. I can't do that Calliope. I can't. If I am going to be her mom, I should get an equal say. And the fact is, you can't do that right now. And that's ok. It really is. I can't be her mom and know that my opinion doesn't matter as much as yours. I just think you aren't as ready for that as much as you thought. So, I am choosing to take a step back. For me. I love that little girl up there and I only want what's best for her. I also love her mom though, and I want to keep loving her. I don't want to resent you later and the only way that's going to happen, is if I take a step back and give you room to be her mom. She doesn't need us arguing, she just needs us to be here."
"I don't need room, Arizona. We have been doing fine with this. We haven't had any issues, and the first time we have a difference of opinion, you want to walk away from her," Callie says, pacing the floor. "It's kind of feeling like you aren't going to get your way and you are just throwing in the towel and walking away."
"I am not walking away. I am right here, where I will always be. I'm not going anywhere. But, Calliope, tell me… what message am I sending back to Dr. Tanner? Am I telling her we don't agree on the right course of action here and we need more time, or am I telling her that you want Katie in the trial?" Arizona watches Callie as her eyes start to water.
"Arizona, I…," Callie stops, trying to figure out the right words to use, that won't infuriate the blonde. "I love you. More than you will ever know. And I love that you love Katie like you do. And I hear what you are saying, and I understand your point of view. The thing is, as much as I understand you, I also want her in the trial just as much. If I have a chance to move her progress along a little more quickly, I feel like I need to do it. I feel like I have to do it. I have lost so much time with her, and she still has so far to go. If we do this and it works, she can be just that much closer to having a normal life. Being home this weekend has given me a little taste of what our life can be like, and I want it so much. I want this for us. For her."
"You have to understand there are complications from this treatment that aren't known yet Calliope. Do you really want to be the one to discover those? That thought scares me no to end."
"You don't think it scares me too?" Callie asks, raising her voice just a little. "I'm scared too Arizona. I am. But my hope outweighs my fear. I can't afford to be too afraid to try things. I need to be brave for her. I need you to be brave with me, Arizona. It isn't easy not just giving in to you. Not only am I doing something that has possible complications, but I'm doing something that my fiancé, who I love more than anything, doesn't agree with. I'm afraid of what you are going to do. I mean, you have already decided to not be her doctor as well as her mom. I mean, what else are you going to give up. You going to walk away from me too?"
"I told you why I was doing both of those things. I am trying to do what is best for us. And if me taking a step back from that is what I need to do, then that's what I'll do. I'm sorry you can't understand that right now."
"You are right. I don't understand. I thought I did, but I don't. It feels like you are just walking away. George started pulling away a little at a time too," Callie says, defeatedly, and sitting on the couch.
"That's not fair. You are comparing me to George and that's just…"
"I'm not comparing you to George. I'm just stating facts! He started drifting away from us a little at a time. That's just exactly what you are doing now."
"I am nothing like George. Nothing." Shaking her head, Arizona really looks at Callie. "Is that really what you think? I have made you and Katie the center of my life. Do you really think I am like George?" Arizona asks, defeatedly.
"No. I know you aren't. But, I do feel like you are pulling away from me. And I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me a little bit."
"I'm not pulling away, not like that anyway. I am doing what I think is best for both of us. I'm not walking away. I'm staying right here."
As soon as Arizona says that, Arizona's phone beeps.
Looking down at her phone, Arizona closes her eyes and looks back to Callie. "It's Dr. Tanner. She wants to know what our decision is."
Arizona locks eyes with Callie gives her a sad smile. "You need to answer her."
"Arizona… Promise me I won't lose you if I say yes."
"I already told you I'm not going anywhere. You are her mom. It's your decision."
Taking a second to think, Callie nods. "I love you, Arizona. But...yes. I want to do the trial."
Arizona exhales slowly through her mouth then closes her eyes. Opening them and looking back to Callie to make sure she sees no doubt, she types her text and hits send. Looking back to Callie, she says, "There. Dr. Tanner knows. I made sure she has your number and told her she needs to text you from now on. I also let her know that someone else would be taking over as her primary doctor."
Nodding, Callie closes her eyes and leans her head back on the couch. Arizona watches her then moves to sit on the other side of the couch. Both women are quiet and replaying the whole conversation in their mind, neither knowing what to do or say now.
"I'm going to head to bed. I'm exhausted all of a sudden," Callie says, standing up and looking towards Arizona. "Are you coming?"
"Um, I... I might just stay here tonight."
"On the couch?"
"Yeah. It might be better to give us both some space."
"No. You aren't staying here," Callie says, shaking her head.
"You want me to leave?"
"No, you aren't staying here on the couch. You are coming upstairs, with me. Your first instinct when we are fighting is to stay away from me, but I'm not letting you do that anymore. You want to be mad or upset? Fine. But you don't get to stay away. You come to bed and you can face the other way and not let your feet touch mine. Whatever. But you don't get to stay away."
Somewhat taken aback by Callie's rant, Arizona watches as the brown eyes looking at her become determined. Callie then turns to walk back upstairs, with a quick turn of the head to make sure Arizona did indeed decide to follow her up.
As the two women quietly make their way to Katie's room, Callie lays down first as Arizona watches. Once she is settled, Arizona quietly lays down as well. Choosing to lay down on her back, Arizona closes her eyes.
"I know we just discussed a lot, and I know we have different opinions, and it honestly feels like we just went in circles. But, at the end of the day, I do love you Calliope."
"I love you too. We aren't done discussing the adoption, Arizona, but, we will save that conversation for later." Arizona doesn't respond, but just as Callie is about to roll over, she feels a foot slowly slide over to touch hers, keeping her in place.