Chapter 46
"Alright ladies, let's go over this one more time," Dr. Conrad says, stepping away from the table and walking towards the white board in the conference room. Turning to face a team of doctors, including Dr. Tanner and Dr. Shepherd, with Callie and Arizona seated at the front of the table, she begins her review.
"We will use the port to start the infusion. We will start with an initial bolus of five milligrams, then, lower the dose to one milligram per hour over the next twenty four hours. We will take twenty four hours off, then complete another twenty four hours on, with an initial bolus of five milligrams, with two milligrams per hour after. We will see how she responds, and if there are no complications, we repeat the process for the next ten days, increasing the dose by one milligram each time. Any questions?"
"How confident are you that any side effects will be minimal?" Arizona asks, watching for any facial clues that Dr. Conrad might give something away.
"Dr. Robbins, as I have told you, many many times, the side effects we have recorded so far have been at the most, mild in nature. We have only had two cases with something we would consider moderate, but they were quickly resolved by lowering the dosage, which is already quite small, and administering antihistamines."
"So, no breathing problems whatsoever in your patients so far?"
"No. Like I said, we have had two moderate reactions, both involved some inflammation, but we were effective in managing the symptoms."
Arizona listened as she sat chewing on the inside of her lip, something that Callie has observed her doing quite a bit over the last week, in preparation of starting the trial today.
Dr. Conrad waited for Arizona to ask another question, and when she didn't, she looked at Callie. "Do you have any other questions before we begin?"
"No. I think I'm just ready to get this started," Callie says, as she begins to run her hands back and forth over her legs, smoothing the non-existent wrinkles.
"Alright. Well, if we are set, let's get this started," Dr. Conrad says, as she picks up her tablet and extends her hands for Callie and Arizona to go before her.
Out in the hall, Callie reaches for Arizona's hand, as they make their way towards Katie's room. The two women have managed to make it through the past week without having a lot of time to sit and talk. The morning after Dr. Conrad was informed they would be putting Katie in the trial, they were instructed to head straight to Mayo, and not even go back to Carson Hospital, where Katie would undergo baseline testing before she would begin the trial.
Here they are, ten days later, and the trial is about to officially get underway. Callie and Arizona both made the initial trip to Mayo, then Arizona had to go back home for a few days and rearrange both of their schedules to allow them to both be here for the week of the trial. Since she came back to Mayo, things have been so hectic with testing and paperwork, the two women haven't had a chance to properly talk.
As Arizona watches Dr. Conrad walk over to Katie to begin the treatment, she flashes back to five days ago, while she was home to get things rescheduled for both her and Callie.
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Last week…
"Arizona… what are you over there mumbling about?" Barbara asks, as Arizona is throwing some clothes into a suitcase that is sitting on her bed."
"Nothing," Arizona mumbles, zipping up the suitcase and moving it over by the door.
"Don't "nothing" me, Arizona. Out with it. I might be old but I'm not forgetful, and I remember how you act when you are stressed out about something."
"It's just... this trial mom. I have a bad feeling about it. I don't want her to do it, but Callie was all for it. We couldn't come to an agreement so Callie decided that she was going to do it, whether I liked it or not."
"Ok…, so what is it that upsets you? The fact that you don't like that she is putting her in the trial or the fact that she decided on her own?"
"Mom, we are supposed to be parenting together. She asked me to adopt Katie for crying out loud. And then… she just throws my opinion out the door, like I'm nothing. But I guess she is her mother and the decision is hers."
"Arizona, you are in a very stressful situation. When you were little, your father and I didn't always agree on everything. Lord knows how stubborn that man was. We had different opinions on who your pediatrician should be and what friends we should or shouldn't let you hang out with. I know this is new and uncharted waters for the two of you, to parent that little girl together, but you need to understand that Callie has been there from the beginning. Just because she doesn't see eye to eye on this with you, doesn't mean she doesn't care what you think, or that you are nothing. You need to give that woman a little credit."
"But she just decided that since we didn't agree, her opinion matters more than mine."
"Arizona, I doubt that is actually how things played out in her mind."
"I don't know, mom. She was pretty adamant that she was doing this. I don't think she even considered not doing it."
Watching her daughter pace back and forth, Barbara's brow creased. "How exactly did you react to her, Arizona?"
"Mom…"
"Arizona… what did you do?"
"Um.. I may have told her that we need to put the adoption on hold," Arizona says. Barb goes to say something, but is stopped by Arizona. "Wait…" Arizona says, holding her hand up. "I didn't tell her I didn't want to, just that we needed to wait, because I don't think she is ready for me to be another parent to Katie."
"Why? Because she didn't give in to what you wanted? Sounds like you had your feelings hurt and you are lashing out."
"What? I am not! It wasn't about me not getting my way. I just don't think she is ready to share the decision making process with someone. She is used to making the decisions and it doesn't appear that she is ready to let someone in and share that. To be honest, if she isn't ready now for us to do it together, I don't want to resent her later for not letting me. So… I told her we should wait."
Shaking her head, Barbara shook her head at her daughter. "Arizona, sounds like you didn't get what you wanted and you are throwing the equivalent of a tantrum. Simple as that. Parenting is hard. All the time. There is never anything easy, especially when you have to consider someone else's feelings and thoughts. I agree, she isn't used to having to co-parent, but you aren't either. However, you can't just throw your hands up and walk away because she made a decision you didn't agree with. From what you have told me, there is no middle ground on this trial. Someone had to give and it doesn't sound like it was going to be you. I know you and when you love, you love with everything you have. You don't like to take chances and you always go with the sure thing. You have always been black and white and no shades of gray. You need to change your tune if you are going to be a mom to that little girl though. Parenting kind of lives in the gray area, Arizona. How did Callie react when you said you were putting the adoption on hold?"
"She, um… she told me we weren't done talking about it. But she felt like I was walking away."
"Sounds to me like she is the one who should be having second thoughts about you and whether she wants to let you adopt Katie."
"What are you talking about? I have done everything I can to be there for them."
"Until things didn't go your way. Then you started taking a step back, not just from Callie, but Katie too."
"I'm not taking a step back, I'm just saying we should put things on hold. I didn't say I never want to adopt her. I just said we should wait a little while."
"She is going to resent you if you don't step up and be there. You are presenting yourself as someone who will run when things get hard. That's not the way to build trust. Why are you so against the trial?"
"Because, I told you… there haven't been many participants. It's still new. Even though they have had some success, it's still a low number of participants to really know how successful it will be. There are too many unknowns… too many possible worst-case scenarios. It's just too risky."
"But, it might work."
"We don't know that."
"You don't know it won't," Barbara states, watching as her daughter becomes more agitated.
"But we don't know it will, mom! I don't want to take that risk! Not with her. I can't handle something happening to her."
Softening her tone, Barbara says, "I know you're scared, but… Arizona… sometimes being a parent means you have to make difficult and downright scary decisions." Pausing to watch her daughter, a thought seems to occur to her. "Putting the adoption on hold isn't about Callie not being ready to co-parent. I think it's because you aren't. I think you realize if you agreed with her or tried to meet her halfway, some of this decision rests on your shoulders. If something goes wrong, it is easy to tell Callie it was her decision and that it's on her. But, if you would have tried to meet her halfway to make this decision with her, then you would bear some of the responsibility for that decision. Being a parent means sometimes you have to make uncomfortable decisions, and you do it together. Not separately. And you definitely don't run."
Stunned, Arizona sits down on the bed and covers her face with her hands, as she takes in everything her mom just said. "I… didn't realize that was what I was doing. I didn't want it to be my call, my decision, that caused something to happen to her. I was an ass, wasn't I?"
"Arizona... I know this is new for you. You are adjusting to life as a mother, and it isn't easy. It never will be. That's just the nature of being a parent. I have watched you step up and be a mom to Katie like I never thought I would see. Right now, you are just experiencing growing pains that come with parenthood. It is hard, all the time. You can do this Arizona. I believe you were meant to find those two. You just need to quit being so afraid. Right now, what you don't want, is to make Callie feel like it is her fault that you aren't ready to adopt. You have to talk to her and tell her that this is about you, not her. And she will understand. If you think you are scared about this trial, then she is twice as scared, because she thinks she is doing this alone, without your support. That makes it even scarier. Now, finish packing then go do some explaining."
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After Dr. Conrad finishes giving Katie her initial bolus, she makes sure the drop is set, and after letting them know she will be monitoring everything out at the nurse's station, she leaves the two women alone.
Arizona watches as Callie makes her way over to Katie, and holds her hand. Callie gently leans over and kisses Katie's forehead as Katie's eyes begin to get heavy with sleep. It has been a busy day with a lot of tests that started early this morning and Katie is more than ready for her afternoon nap.
Callie makes her way over and sits back down by Arizona. She doesn't make eye contact but simply leans her head back against her own chair and closes her eye. Arizona watches as a lone tear begins to make it's down Callie's cheek to the corner of her lips, then continues to fall down her neck, before it is absorbed into the top of the fleece top Callie is wearing.
"I'm right here with you, every step of the way," Arizona says, watching as Callie lets out a silent sob. "You were right," Arizona says, reaching over to grab her hand. "We have to have hope that this will work. I'm sorry I couldn't see that before."
When Callie hears this, she begins to cry. Almost ten days worth of anxiety seem to dissipate as Arizona stands and sits down on Callie's lap, pulling her close.
"I'm right here. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry I have been an ass." Callie shakes her head, trying to object to Arizona, but Arizona lifts Callie's chin so that they are making eye contact.
"I was, Calliope. I… got scared. I know we were in an impossible situation, but I didn't exactly handle it the right way. I was so scared. I… thought you weren't ready to listen to me, but… I think I wasn't ready to listen to you. I mean, I have a lot of reservations about this, and…"
As she says that, Callie scoffs. "You made that perfectly clear."
"Calliope… I'm trying here. Please let me explain." Arizona says, starting to worry that Callie won't listen. When she gets a slight nod, she continues. "I do have reservations. I won't lie about that. We already know that we have a difference of opinion. But… I was scared. I was so scared that I didn't really want to hear what you had to say. I was convinced my way was the only way, and, and…," Arizona stops, not sure she wants to admit the rest to Callie.
"And what, Arizona?" Callie asks, quietly.
"I was afraid that if I listened to you… if I even tried to meet you halfway, that whatever happened would be my fault. That it would be on me," Arizona says, standing up."
"You were afraid this wouldn't work. And then, I would what? Do you actually think I would blame you if something goes wrong with this trial?"
"No, but I would blame myself. It would be my fault. If I agreed, it would be on me if this doesn't work. My fault, Callie, and I..."
"No, Arizona. That's not how this works," Callie says, shaking her head.
"Maybe… But, that's how I was feeling. I just didn't realize it at the time. And with putting the adoption on hold, I wanted to blame you for not being ready for me to adopt, but maybe it's really me. I'm not used to someone depending on me. If I make a wrong decision, it is on me. I am to blame for something happening to her."
"No, you aren't Arizona. If we are in this together, it is on both of us," Callie says, standing to go pull Arizona's hands into hers. "Look, we are going to make mistakes and make the wrong call. That's life though, Arizona. We will make the wrong calls, all the time. It doesn't make us less of a mom if we make the wrong decision. Sometimes things work out perfectly, but usually, life doesn't go the way we want it to. Ever. And yes, it is scary as hell to have a little human that depends on you. I constantly wonder if I am making the right decision. It scares the hell out of me that something could happen, but as scary as it is to take a chance, sometimes it is even scarier not to. Everything about parenting is scary. But that's why we need each other. And looking back, I didn't handle things the best either. I should have made you feel like you were as much a part of this decision as me, even if that meant waiting a little longer until we both agreed. I could have waited a little longer."
Arizona wipes at the tears that are falling from her eyes. "No, this is on me. I have let you both down. I did the exact opposite of what you both needed me to do. I ran. And then blamed you for it. You both deserve so much better than that."
"Arizona, I have to be honest, you scared me. I have been so afraid that you would decide this is too much. When you said you wanted to put the adoption on hold, I felt like that was the start of you pulling away, even though you said it wasn't. I have went through ten days of feeling like I was alone."
"I'm right here."
"Physically. Emotionally, you have kind of been absent. What happens the next time you don't agree with me? I can't have you running, even if only emotionally, every time we have important decisions to make or we disagree."
"I know. I promise you, right now, that I am done running. I looked at you earlier and I knew when I saw the tears falling from your eyes, that I don't want to ever be the reason those fall again. I handled this all wrong and I promise you, the next time we don't agree, we will make sure we talk things through and make sure we are on the same page, even if that means we disagree but still support each other. And... I don't want to wait on the adoption. I want to adopt Katie, more than anything. I promise you, I'm ready and I want this. If... if you still want that," Arizona says, quietly, hoping this hasn't made Callie change her mind.
Nodding, Callie pulls Arizona in for a hug. "I want that too. I love you, so much Arizona."
"I love you too," Arizona says, pulling back and leaning in for a kiss. Pulling back, Arizona turns to where she can see Katie. "I never thought I could love someone so small, so much."
"I know. The first time I held her, it was like nothing I ever imagined. I knew I would love her, but had no idea just how much."
They both stand and watch Katie for a while, when Arizona starts to not feel so well, then realizes that with everything going on, they skipped lunch. "You know, I know neither of us has have a big appetite, but we need to eat something because we have a long week ahead of us. Why don't you get comfy and I will go grab us something."
Nodding, Callie agrees, then heads to sit down as Arizona walks towards the door. Stopping at the door, she is quickly heading back over to give the still sleeping Katie a kiss on the forehead. Turning to look at Callie, she gives her a smile, then continues making her way down to the cafeteria.
Once in the cafeteria, she feels lighter than she has all week. She walks with their tray of food toward the cashier and sits the tray down so that she can pay. As she pulls the money out of her pocket and holds it out for the cashier to take, she is startled as her phone rings. Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she answers the call when she sees it is Callie.
"Hey. What's...?" Arizona listens as she is cut off and tries to make out what Callie is saying over the noise. "Damn it…" Arizona says, leaving the tray as she takes off running back the way she just came from.
AN: The next chapter is written and will be posted soon.