You can probably see by now where this is leading… So let me tell you about the night. The night I realized I had caught feelings for my best friend. The night that I lost my mind. The night that marked the beginning of the end of my friendship with Inuyasha.
Miroku had spent weeks talking up this party to anyone who would listen. So much so, that the Friday before the event, it was all you heard the freshman class discussing and several of other students in higher grades as well. Evidently, everyone and their mother were planning on attending. This both elated and scared Miroku. He'd been freaking out all day talking about the social ramifications of not providing enough alcohol or "private spaces" or whatever for the mass of hormones and raging desire that was going to descend on his parents' place that evening.
Inuyasha and I had listened without paying attention, while Sango reassured Miroku repeatedly that Koga was bringing plenty of "juice" and that no one would really care as long as the music was good. Which it would be, Miroku spent most of his free time curating playlists for every occasion. Literally. He had a playlist for everything. Pool parties, romantic walks on the beach, at least four for making out, even had a couple for his "self care" routine that we never asked about but he felt compelled to share with us. Evidently, Miroku enjoyed face masks and bath bombs that made Inuyasha sneeze even days afterwards.
Point being, he was anxious though we were confident the party would go well. And, truthfully, it had… for everyone but me.
Let me explain.
I had slept over at Inuyasha's place Friday night, as was our tradition, and on Saturday night he came over like he promised. The thing was that, he was a sour puss. Like a huge one. Inuyasha had detested going to Koga's party and, even though our good friend Miroku was hosting this one, he wasn't thrilled about going that evening either. He wasn't a fan of the smell of alcohol or pot or really other people in general.
"Do we have to?" He had whined for the fourth time that night, laying on my bed as I cycled through my usual party go-to outfits.
"Miroku is our friend and he specifically asked for us to show up," I reminded, tossing him an eye roll over my shoulder as I sifted through more clothes at the bottom of my closet. Inuyasha normally put up a fight, but that evening it had been on an entirely different level.
Normally he'd complain once, maybe twice, but otherwise accept my cinnamon hearts as a peace offering then give me an hour at whatever party we happened to be going to before he started up again. Whining to me four times before we even left was definitely odd. I worried my lip and sighed. I suspected that it was the promise of Koga and Hojo's presence that may have had him on edge. Both had confirmed with Miroku that they would attend. Both liked me and, well, Inuyasha liked neither.
He and I had managed to avoid the Hojo issue for a while, really, because he didn't ask and I wasn't offering him information about it anymore. There was still a strain between us anytime Hojo was mentioned, but we merely sidestepped any and all discussion on the topic. It was annoying and it frustrated me, but… it was our 'happy' medium and I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Inuyasha was my king and if that was what it took to keep the peace between us, I would simply nibble my Cinnabon in private.
It had never occurred to me then, though, that my king might also be keeping certain things from me.
Worse still, Kuranosuke and Sango were going to the party and Inuyasha had become more than a little irate at their… situation. They still weren't officially a thing - I know… just get it over with right? - but that hadn't stopped them from acting like a thing in front of us every lunch, between classes, and occasionally during recreational activities.
I would never again attend a baseball game with both of them present… Just saying.
Anyway, Sango had enlisted me to help her "seal the deal" that evening with Kuranosuke, which meant that whatever silly little games our classmates had concocted I was expected to participate in. In turn, this meant that Inuyasha would almost certainly be roped into it as well, to his loud and obvious disdain.
"What about this dress?!" I asked, enthusiastically standing up and holding the garment up against me.
He looked over at me for all of two seconds, "what does it matter? You're going to wear what you're going to wear."
I frowned. "So not this one then?"
Inuyasha rolled his eyes and went back to texting.
I huffed, but I didn't turn away. "Who are you texting?"
"No one," he murmured in response, a single ear flickering.
It was his tell. That little ear flick. It always had been. I'd picked up on it sometime between elementary school and middle school. I had been close to calling him out on it before, but I had waited. I enjoyed having that insight and keeping it to myself had been advantageous at times. I'd won many a round of games because I knew his tell. Never had I thought that I would see it like that… in response to an otherwise mundane question, making me doubt our connection and feel the need to dig in my heels defensively.
I furrowed my brows. I wasn't able to articulate it at that moment why I found his response so lacking and why it had instantly caused me anxiety. But, in time, I would realize it was because no one was "no one" to him and he was lying to me about it. Inuyasha had a name or descriptor for everyone, even if not all of them were kind or pleasant. If he didn't know a name or simply didn't want to use a name, he always described them. Like, when he hadn't bothered to learn Ayame's name and instead just referred to her as that redheaded girl.
It was small, but it had the alarm bells in my head ringing at a deafening level. I didn't say anything, because I didn't understand why it evoked such a swift and vivid response in myself. I didn't like the veil of secrecy or the implication that was obscured behind it: that my king… didn't want to share something with his queen. That he was intentionally keeping me from something.
I frowned, slowly turning away from him, not that he noticed. If he didn't want to help me, fine. I would figure it out on my own. A vengeful heat propelled me as I tore through my closet. I knew exactly what dress I was going to wear all thanks to his lack of interest.
In truth, it wasn't that I knew what I was going to wear to the party, it was what I was going to wear as a means of getting back at my king for his inexcusable misdemeanor, for his indiscretion.
"Don't look," I snapped, pulling off my shirt and pants hearing him turn over to his side, facing away from me. I huffed, only slightly offended that he'd never so much as tried to peek at me. I quickly shoved that thought down. Why would I want him to? I should have reveled in the respect and care that Inuyasha showed for me. My interest in having him look said so much more about me at that moment than I was prepared to confront.
Really, the entire context right then and there should have been the tip off, but I hadn't paid attention to it. I didn't think of it like that… I was just… upset. I was jealous of this "no one." Although, I didn't think of it as jealously, I thought of it as betrayal. I felt like Inuyasha was in the midst of betraying me and I had a front row seat to the whole goddam thing.
As I'm sure any hormonal, emotional, and disgruntled teenager would do in that situation, I slipped on my new red dress that actually gave me the appearance of cleavage and feigned the existence of hips so that I looked more like a woman and less like the bean-of-a-person Inuyasha knew. I bit down on my lip as I pulled the zipper up, feeling it cinch at my waist and filling me with underserved confidence, thinking about how exactly I would corner my Cinnabon.
See, Cinnabon was safe. He was fluffy and sweet and respected open communication. Hojo and I still talked regularly and if I didn't know any better I would say he like-liked me. I knew he would be at the party that evening and he was a much safer dessert than say… a wolf and he wasn't hiding from my like my king was. So, as I freed my wild mane, letting it settle over my shoulders and down my back, looking over at Inuyasha who was still too enraptured texting "no one," I resolved to take a bite of my Cinnabon that evening.
"I'm ready," I had announced sharply, grabbing my phone and purse before walking out of my room. I didn't wait for Inuyasha to sit up or catch up, I walked down the stairs and grabbed his cinnamon hearts then strode toward the door. I could hear him grumbling behind me about my mood, but I ignored it. When he did catch up I handed him his candy and he took it, shoving it in his pocket for later.
He almost never ate them right away. It was a strange little factoid that I caught onto at that moment. I had multiple vivid memories of him eating them around me, and yet, it was always delayed. "Aren't you going to eat your candy?" I asked, my tone more clipped than usual.
"What's your issue?" He snapped, "why did you storm out and why are you snapping at me now?"
What was I going to say to him? Yeah, I'm upset that you didn't tell me who you were talking to because this person clearly has your undivided attention which upsets me for a reason that I don't really want to wrap my little, naive, and ignorant mind around at this very second because even the thought of thinking about the implications scares the shit out of me?! Yeah, no, that wasn't going to be a winning strategy.
So, instead, I went a different route… another mistake of many that pushed our friendship to the brink.
"My issue?!" I sneered, "what's yours? You really couldn't be bothered to help me pick out a dress?!"
Inuyasha rolled his eyes and shook his head, "is that what this is really about? Because I don't give a shit what you wear?!"
"Yeah! It would be nice to have my best friend help me pick out an outfit!"
"Why does it matter?! You're going to show up for an hour, help Sango get in Kuranosuke's pants, fend off Koga, then leave! Who cares! You look good in everything!"
He said I looked good in everything, but what I heard was nothing but pandering and placating. I should have taken notice of that. Inuyasha didn't compliment people. He just didn't, but he had complimented me… and I was too absorbed in the dark, festering, pain borrowing in my heart to notice.
"No! I want to stay this time!" I countered, digging my grave just a little deeper because I didn't want to admit he was right. I had planned on only showing up for an hour or so. I liked parties, but what I liked more was being with Inuyasha and that was hard to do when Koga was constantly concocting ways to separate us, or one of our classmates was hellbent on getting Inuyasha and I in a closet again, or whatever the fuck else.
"Why?!" He exclaimed genuinely confused. I had never wanted to stay before. His confusion was entirely warranted, but I was already going down…
"Because Sango said people are going to play spin the bottle and I would like a chance to kiss Hojo!"
I had felt like he was betraying me, but as I stood there I could see the different betrayals he felt beginning to add up. By stating that I wanted to stay at the party I had implied that he was less of a priority to me that evening. By stating that I wanted to kiss Hojo, which wasn't inaccurate, I had confirmed Inuyasha wasn't my priority. More than that, I had broken our secret pact; I had informed Inuyasha that I was still very much interested in Hojo and that I had a plan to act on that interest.
He stopped walking, shaking his head, pausing a beat before speaking. The silence was so full of wicked tendrils of emotional miasma that neither of us could face the other. We each stared at different spots on the ground, waiting. "Look, if you want to stay at Miroku's fine, but I'm not going."
"What?!" I cried, recoiling like he'd slapped me in the face.
"Kags, I don't even want to go to the party, like… at all…" Inuyasha reiterated as if he hadn't stated that multiple times earlier.
"But why?" I pressed.
"Because I don't want to go!"
"Yash, why don't you want to go with me?" I begged, blinking quickly and searching that radiant gold gaze for something other than the icy stare I was getting.
"Because I'm not going with you. I'm going so you have some one to talk to on the way there and back." He growled.
I didn't understand. He'd never pushed back against coming with me to a party before. He'd never…
I disagreed with how he had described our system, especially because some of my most treasured memories of our friendship were moments at parties I had 'dragged' him to. They were the moments between the walks to and from. They were those ridiculous things we did in closets, the little bits of gossip we shared between avoiding certain classmates, the inside jokes that formed from us sticking together and battling together through the trials and tribulations of adolescence. They were all valuable times that he was reducing to… nothing and it hurt.
My shoulders slumped and I worried my lip - a nervous habit that I'd picked up ages ago. I knew it was dumb for me to be so upset that he didn't want to go. Logically, I knew that… I also knew that even though I disagreed with how he had characterized our partnership that as we got older we would have to do more things apart. That knowledge though did nothing to lessen the sting. I had thought that he and I had more time… that Inuyasha was still my king.
But, I had to respect his boundaries. I was expected at the party and I wanted to play spin the damn bottle and I wanted to kiss boys. I couldn't tell you when, but some time between putting on that red dress and that conversation with Inuyasha I realized that I did want to date.
And I realized that it wasn't fair to drag Inuyasha along if he didn't want to come.
"Okay," I mumbled, swallowing down the tears that both felt necessary and totally inappropriate at the same time. "I'll-I'll see you tomorrow then… for our arcade date?"
He nodded, then slowly began to turn away from me, walking back in the direction we'd come.
I took in a deep shuddering breath, chewing on the inside of my cheek, before forcing my feet to move forward. I pulled out my phone and slowly swept my fingers across the touchscreen to let Sango know that Inuyasha wouldn't be attending, each time the sole of my shoe connected with the ground I felt smaller and weaker and less regal than ever.
I think I got maybe a block before I heard his footsteps.
I know right? Swoon.
"Kags!"
I turned, and smiled. It wasn't a great smile, because I was still desperately trying to hold back the tears, but it was genuine. The relief I felt must have been palpable because he gave me a weak grin of his own as my king returned to his rightful spot at my side. Inuyasha grumbled the entire rest of the way there, finally pulling out the candies and munching on them between each irate and annoyed mutter.
I didn't care though, I smiled despite his jabs. My king was still mine, even if I didn't deserve him.
We arrived at the party, greeted by Sango who raised a questioning eye-brow as she noticed that I was, in fact, not alone. "Welcome," she stated keeping her mulberry gaze on me as I blushed, throwing open the door.
"Where is Miroku?" I asked, as Inuyasha fished another fist of candies out of the box and dropped a few in his mouth.
Sango clicked her tongue against her cheek and pointed over to the side. I saw the red hair first, then I saw Miroku's grabby hands slide over her rear and squeeze.
"Yeah, so it's basically a free for all…" Sango stated, "as you can see."
I could see… The house was packed with students. Each wall lined with people I was more or less familiar with. The music was loud, though not as ear splitting as it had been at Koga's. As I looked around though, I noticed that most of the students within eye line were older. There were a select few from our grade grinding up against walls and sloshing liquor in red cups as they moved off-beat to the music, but not many.
"Where is Kuranosuke?" I asked, finding it odd that Sango wasn't glued to his hip or his face.
Sango bit on her bottom lip seductively while wiggling her eyebrows at me. "He's downstairs with most of the people from our class."
"Ah," I stated, turning and noticing that Inuyasha's ears were plastered to the back of his head, gold gaze staring straight ahead and a low growl forming. I followed his line of sight and had to stop myself from chuckling. Leave it to him to spot Koga first. "Okay, take me to this game so we can get that over with," I smiled looking at Sango and shaking my head.
She wriggled in excitement before grabbing my hand. I reached for Inuyasha, but I grasped at air. My heart immediately sank and I turned reflexively, eyes wide in fear, wondering how I had missed him.
"You okay?" He asked, standing right next to me, noticing the pained look on my face.
"Wha-yeah," I murmured, blinking quickly, surprised that he was right there. I shook it off. He was next to me and that was all that mattered. It was all I needed.
Sango continued to drag me through the crowd and into the basement, giving me the run down as she went. "Okay, so, spin the bottle, pretty basic. You spin it, it lands somewhere and you kiss that person. It doesn't have to be with tongue, but… I mean… no one will stop you… and that's how most have been playing anyway."
I swallowed thickly and pursed my lips. I wasn't expecting… that. I mean… hello?! My first and only kiss had been with Inuyasha in second grade! I had had nothing but awkward kisses between family members at reunions and several cheek kisses over the years. It seemed like a big step to take from absolutely nothing to interlacing tongues and swapping spit. I mean… what does one even do with a tongue? Do you just lick the insides of people's cheeks?! Seriously… I wasn't prepared for that in the least.
"Now, I've been practicing-" Sango continued.
"You've practiced kissing or spinning the bottle?" I asked, feeling even more out of place.
Sango paused, seriously considering my question. "Honestly? Both."
"Oh, cool…" I mumbled quietly and sarcastically.
"Anyway, the bottle… they are using a glass coca-cola bottle… it's a little heavier than the normal plastic ones so… put a little oomph into it but not much, okay?"
"Okay…"
"Awesome!"
"Wait…" I asked, stopping at the bottom of the stairs, seeing the circle of thirsty teens on the floor in my periphery. "If you've got this down… why do you need me to play again?" I questioned, suddenly less interested in kissing boys after having my utter lack of experience thrown unceremoniously back at me. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted my first kiss-kiss to be a tongue pushed into my mouth by some one who could very easily not be Hojo given the size of the circle.
"Because I need you by my side while I do this!" She whined.
"Why?" I pressed, "you've already made out with Kuranosuke multiple times, occasionally in front of me." More than occasionally but that wasn't the point…
"This is different," she insisted, looking out into the basement as if it wasn't a dingy, cold but somehow humid space but really a vast open battlefield full of possibilities. "Our classmates are sharks, Kagome. I can see each of them eyeing Kuranosuke like he's their next meal. It's sick!"
"Right," I muttered, "still not seeing how I factor into this."
"Because, if you refuse to kiss someone you have to drink… like… a lot." Sango explained, "house rules."
"Wait… what?!"
"It's a party, Kagome…" Sango responded. "Anyway, I need you to, one, stop me from punching out any chick that tries to kiss Kuranosuke and, two, I also need you to let me know when I've had too much."
"Awesome," I sneered.
"Oh don't act like I'm taking your first born and not giving you anything in return! Hojo is playing too!" She stated it excitedly, dangling him in front of me like it should matter. And… it should have, but it didn't. Not in the least.
"I'll play," I resigned begrudgingly, ignoring her squeal of excitement and pulling me over to the circle of death. Inuyasha followed, still munching on the candies and grumbling under his breath about how stupid of a game it was. As we walked over, I turned to him quickly, catching his bewitching and warm eyes. "Thank you," I murmured, running the pads of my fingers along his forearm.
He opened his mouth to speak for a moment before closing it. Inuyasha huffed, cheeks painted pink, as I was yanked into the circle by Sango. "We're playing!" She announced to our classmates, thrusting me down next to her.
I looked around the circle, both relieved and nervous that most of the faces were those of people I recognized from our grade. I saw Kuranosuke, Koharu, Hojo - who smiled warmly at me that made my cheeks tingle, and… Little bitch.
I bit my lip and shook my head. Of course Naraku was playing. Worse still, he was smirking at me with that same glint in his eye. He hadn't forgotten about our previous several run ins and, if that look on his pinched face was anything to go by, he was determined to exact some form of petty revenge that evening.
I watched his beady red eyes flit over from me to my king, who was reclined on the floor behind me, texting and playing on his phone. Naraku raised a thin, pointed brow as he realized that Inuyasha wasn't technically in the circle even though I was. "How nice to see you again, Kagome," he sneered.
"Hi Naraku," I responded coldly.
"Cool, so… can we spin the bottle now?" Sango asked dryly, not the least bit interested in my long-standing feud with Naraku.
"Sure, why don't you go first Kagome?" He answered, sliding the glass bottle over to me to spin.
To say I was nervous would have been an understatement. Truthfully, I was terrified. I didn't like being first in this circumstance. Sango had mentioned tongue. I had kind of been hoping that that was merely an exaggeration and that I would have had at least a round or two to witness how they actually played the game before it was my turn. But Naraku, ever the little bitch he was, always attempted to elicit maximum discomfort from me.
I should have expected it really.
I exhaled loudly, placing my hand over the cool glass bottle and flicked my wrist, watching it spin rapidly in place along the floor. I heard Sango mumble that that had been a little too much "oomph" but my fate had already been sealed. I bit my bottom lip watching as it finally began to slow down, it felt like my heart was pounding in my ears and my hands immediately broke into a cold sweat as it turned round and round until that ill-fated bottle stopped, pointing directly in the empty space between me and the person to my right side.
Exhaling loudly, dreading the idea of having to endure that again, I reached for the bottle to re-spin it when I felt Naraku's hand clamp down on mine, holding my hand and the bottle in place. I looked up, confused, when he flashed that devious grin I knew well, but it was impossibly bigger than I'd ever seen it before.
"What are you doing?" I asked, my head tilting to the side. "Don't I have to re-spin? It landed in dead space…" I continued, looking at Sango who shrugged but nodded with me, like me, thinking that was the most obvious solution.
Naraku though, he hadn't forgotten about my little loop hole in second grade and hadn't forgotten about I had done everything in a closet that one could that wasn't romantically involved in middle school. He hadn't forgotten all the ways I had actively avoided this moment, how I had ruined his entertainment for the past decade.
So, it should have came as no surprise to me that he took extra glee in pointing to the space, or rather the person that was in the space between me and the guy on my right. Specifically, Naraku pointed directly at the person behind me… my best friend, my king.
My heart thundered in my chest and I started to stammer. My breath became shallow and forced as my lungs constricted and the room started to spin. I was briefly able to register that, behind me, Inuyasha shifted. I blinked rapidly knowing that he could likely smell and feel my anxiety. He always had.
Inuyasha could always pick up on my anxiety.
He reacted in the same way each time. He would put down what he was doing then he would place a hand on my shoulder, a physical reminder that I wasn't alone. Then Inuyasha would speak to me softly about something totally banal and irrelevant until my throat stopped threatening to close entirely and my heart rate returned to a mostly normal rhythm.
I could hear him beginning to do just that, placing his phone on the floor with a gentle clink. Then I felt that familiar weight on my shoulder as his clawed hand squeezed ever so tenderly while he sat up taking stock of the situation. I watched him look around then look down, seeing both my hand and Naraku's covering the bottle. He glared at Naraku, who merely smiled back.
Naraku lifted his hand off mine, revealing that the stupid glass shit was pointing at Inuyasha.
"The rules," Naraku began, arrogance painted in every feature of his horrible face and trickling out from each syllable, "are simple but finite… you kiss who the bottle lands on."
"He's not in the circle," Sango hissed. "Just let her re-spin it."
I should have been better at speaking by that point in my life, but I wasn't. It was like I was back in second grade, just sputtering and stammering like a goddam child again.
Oh… but my king…
As Sango and Naraku bickered over the rules, Inuyasha rolled his eyes, tilted my head toward him and placed a perfect kiss on my trembling lips then laid back down, immediately going back to whatever level of candy crush he had been working on prior to my mental meltdown.
It had been so quick and easy for him. It was over in seconds.
But that memory stuck to me worse than gum in hair.
I got it together quickly - and by that I mean I faked my way through that situation while the world around me came apart at its seams, swallowing down the butterflies that were forcing my stomach to do backflips and gave Naraku a snarky smile. Little bitch sat back, rolling his eyes, resigned and seemingly disappointed that he couldn't see the turmoil brimming behind my eyes. While he moved on to torture his next victim, I no longer gave two shits who kissed Hojo.
Honestly, I wouldn't have noticed if Sango herself began to smother Hojo and rip off his clothes in front of me. I was… gone.
There was no bringing me back.
After he kissed me, I simply got up and left the circle. Sango didn't need me to watch over her and Kuranosuke. She had just wanted company and she would have to handle that alone for a moment because the room was twisting and turning violently as I walked, my fingers hovering over my lips without touching.
I could feel Naraku's eyes on me, but it didn't matter.
Inuyasha's lips had tasted sweet and hot, coated in those cinnamon candies. I didn't want anyone or anything to dilute or otherwise mask the memory of his kiss, no matter how chaste it may have been. I wanted it to burn through me forever.
I hid in the first bathroom I could find, my fingers still hovering over my lips on the verge of hyperventilating.
This.
This was the moment I "caught" feelings. And by caught I mean… this is when I couldn't ignore them any longer.
It was… bad.
Remember what I said earlier? Inuyasha wasn't crush material.
These feelings that were finally breaking through to the surface were all consuming. They ravaged me from the inside out like a wildfire during a drought. I couldn't have halted the mental or emotional devastation that ripped through my sanity and my world if I wanted to.
That was the moment I knew I was doomed. Standing there, in one of Miroku's bathrooms, I gripped the edge of the sink as if that would save me from… the pain.
I wanted him. I wanted Inuyasha and I wanted him bad.
Inuyasha found me quickly enough. He banged on the door outside the bathroom, his voice panicked but also harsh. "Kags!" He shouted to be heard above the music.
He was nervous, scared even as he continued to bang on the door. I could hear his claws clattering on the wood between the skin of his knuckles wrapping on the exterior. I stared into the mirror, my lips burning and chest heaving. It was like in the span of five minutes I had been invaded by a virus that was efficiently and ravenously shutting down my respiratory system. I felt like I couldn't breathe or think or-
"Kagome!"
We never used our full names.
Ever.
Since we'd settled on nicknames our full names were only sparingly used and those times were often limited to emergencies. My king, evidently, felt that this was an emergency.
Unsteady on my feet and bracing for impact, I opened the door.
Wide amber eyes looked back at me, not connecting with mine but assessing me. I could see his nose twitching and ears as alert as I'd ever seen them, a hand coming to rest on my shoulder.
He'd sensed my anxiety.
Inuyasha appeared completely oblivious to the warmth that was spreading through my chest as air finally filled my lungs, feeding the insatiable desire to kiss him again and again and again that was blooming within me and spreading like the pathogen it was.
His mouth was moving. I took another deep breath and tried to focus.
"Hello? Earth to Kagome!" He snapped, tilting that beautiful head of his, with the hair as soft as silk and eyes so stunning they put a sunset to shame, as his gaze connected with mine.
"S-sorry," I mumbled in response, reflexively about to pull my bottom lip between my teeth but stopping that immediately because doing so would hasten the dissipation of his taste and the memory of how perfectly his lips had felt against mine.
"Are you… sick?" He asked, leaning in closer to me.
I kid you not when I say that it took everything I had not to grab him and throw him into a closet - or the bathroom - and make him repay me for… ten… ten rounds of seven minutes in heaven. When all was said and done he and I had hid in tiny coat closets at least ten times and never kissed. That was at least seventy minutes of kissing! Standing there then, I was kicking myself thinking about all the time I'd wasted.
Years. Years I'd let go by when I should have just superglued my face to his.
"I'm not sick," I murmured, through, really, in a way… I was. I had caught the fucking bug. I like-liked my best friend. More than like-liked, I wanted to give him my entire heart and soul. Feelings like that? They were terminal.
"Are you going back down there or not?" Inuyasha huffed, still searching me for something but leaning away. I noticed a single hand reach down toward his pocket, gripping his phone.
A chill, so violent and turbulent it rivaled the wildfire that was my affection for my best friend, tore through me, rupturing every muscle in my heart and chest as I suddenly recalled the moment from earlier that evening, when he was texting "no one."
I stepped back, pulling away from his hand that had been on my shoulder, my own hand gripping the door, and fighting the overwhelming urge to wretch. "I-I think I'm ready to leave."
"What?" He asked incredulously, "you haven't even tried kissing Hojo! Wasn't that the entire point of coming tonight?!"
It had been. Now though… Hojo seemed… well… to be honest he wasn't even a blip on my radar anymore. Hojo was like a rhinestone. They are beautiful but once you've seen a diamond… it's kind of hard to appreciate a rhinestone again.
"I'm leaving," I stated firmly, "you can stay if you want."
Inuyasha stared at me, hard. I could see he knew something was off but decided not to press it. He moved out of the way of the door and we both walked toward the exit. I didn't bother saying bye to Sango or Miroku, I didn't say hi or bye to Koga, and I certainly didn't kiss Hojo that night, but I did see Inuyasha pull out his phone as we walked in silence.
I don't know why I looked… but I did. I looked at the name on his phone and swallowed thickly. It was a girl in our grade. A girl he'd never mentioned to me.
I asked again, wondering if this time he would tell me. "Who are you texting?"
"No one," he muttered noncommittally, avoiding my gaze before sliding the phone into his pocket and attempting to start a completely new conversation on a totally unrelated topic.
Remember how I said that cold hard truths would weigh down a person as they aged inadvertently yet effectively murdering their innocence and sense of wonder in cold blood? Well… this was one of those truths I was referring to. This realization that once it came to light was cemented in my mind. It was undeniable, as years of my relationship with Inuyasha, my king, all crashed into me at once on our walk back to my home. It was almost as if I had been under a deep, deep sleep and had only been saved by true love's kiss. As soon as I awoke the world was bursting in color and I was totally, completely, utterly overwhelmed at the richness of the emotions fluttering through my chest. How could such a brief and, frankly, unromantic interaction send my entire state of being into such disarray, desperate for the slumber I had become so familiar with - the numbness I had used to guard myself from the truth? The truth being I was in love with my best friend.
And he?
Well, he was texting someone else…
I could still feel that delicious heat, and still taste the burning cinnamon from his lips on mine. But he'd moved on. I was reeling, my heart overtaken by poisonous butterflies and he was entirely ignorant to my sudden but immediate and intolerable suffering.
I looked up at him in horror, as he continued to pull out his phone, thumbs flying across the screen to text her, while acting like nothing was wrong as he carried on with me.
This was why I had been keeping Hojo at arm's length. This is why I hadn't committed. Sango was right… I didn't want Hojo.
I wanted a heart that belonged to "no one."
"What the hell happened to you last night?" Sango hissed as she walked up to me the next day at the arcade.
Almost every Sunday for the last year the four of us had a standing date at the local arcade to play games. Sango had remained chipper and conversed with Inuyasha and I, when he wasn't texting, until Miroku showed up forty minutes late insisting on keeping his sunglasses on in the dimly lit space. But while he and Inuyasha were playing some racing game Sango had not-so-subtly pulled me to the entire opposite end of the building to speak with me.
She was smart, my friend Sango. She knew walking ten feet away would not have been enough and that any conversation would have been easily picked up by Inuyasha and those ears he never let me play with anymore.
"I had a panic attack," I replied, biting on my lip that had sense lost the one flavor I craved and couldn't replicate. And I had tried… after Inuyasha had left the night prior I had eaten an entire box of those stupid fucking candies and it still paled in comparison to the sensation I had experienced at Miroku's dumb party.
"Why?" Sango pressed, those all-knowing mulberry eyes pushing me to admit out in the open what had sent me into a death spiral less than twenty four hours earlier.
I turned away from her.
"Kagome," she pushed, crossing her arms over her chest. "I can't help unless-"
"Because I realized I enjoyed kissing my best friend!" I spat, closing my eyes tightly and aggressively biting my lip to silence myself.
She paused, inhaling deeply before speaking again. "So… should we… tell him?"
"Are you insane?!" I whisper-screeched. "No. Absolutely not."
"But he might feel the sam-"
"He doesn't," I snarled, my chest filling with an ache that I thought would never be satiated, making it hurt all the more.
Her brows furrowed in something akin to surprise, "how do you-"
"He was… texting…" I bit out, pulling my arms tightly across my chest and feeling hot, unwelcome tears bite at the back of my eyes.
She waited, apparently a little irate that I had interrupted her twice in a row.
"Are you going to continue?" Sango pressed. "Texting who?"
"Some girl," I hissed. "I don't know her well… he-he wouldn't tell me about her."
Sango sighed, her brows twitching together in a mix of mild annoyance, aggravation, and constrained rage. I'd seen her make that same face multiple times when Miroku had tried to sneak a feel of her ass in middle school, but I had never seen it directed at Inuyasha or myself. I was a little scared, not really knowing who it was for or what she would do next.
"What's her name?" Sango inquired, chewing on her cheek and clenching her jaw.
"Kikyo, I think?" I muttered before taking a shuddering breath. "Can we-can we not talk about this here?" I asked, "Inuyasha it going to know something is wrong with me if he doesn't already…"
"Yeah, check your phone. You and I are going to sit down and talk about this at some point very soon between all your weird dates with Inuyasha."
"Okay," I mumbled back.
"So, do you want me to go kick his ass in some games?"
"Please…"
"Let's go make him rue the day he came to the arcade with me," she teased, crackling her knuckles and rolling her shoulders. "Miroku feels like shit because he drank too much. If you want a laugh ask him about what happened with Ayame."
I nodded, taking another deep breath to steady my nerves before walking back to the other side of the arcade with Sango. We didn't even make it halfway before we ran into Inuyasha. Like I had warned Sango, he'd noticed something was up and came looking for me. I avoided his gaze though. My king… for almost a decade I had thought that one of the best things about our connection was how well he could read me, but on that day it felt like a curse, not a blessing.
I wanted to sink into myself until there was nothing left. I needed time and space and most of all… privacy.
Sango shielded me. Literally and metaphorically. She stood between Inuyasha and I, deflecting every question, even as he became more irate and, well, pissed. She challenged him to game after game, making it impossible for him to speak with me. All while Miroku and I sat back and watched the two battle it out. Although I really wanted a laugh, I decided not to ask Miroku about him and Ayame. I figured… he had the curtesy not to inquire about what obvious issue there was between Inuyasha and I, the least I could do is let him suffer in silence.
So, the two of us sat there, watching Inuyasha yell at Sango for beating him again and again at video games that didn't matter and she let him yell at her because it was better than letting him get to me.
I owed her big time.
The end of the semester was quickly approaching, as was my fifteenth birthday. I sighed heavily, staring at my notes from math in anticipation of the final when Miroku slid across from me at the lunch table.
"Hey," he murmured, "your birthday is coming up."
Quite perceptive that one…
"It is," I confirmed, only looking up from my notes for a brief moment before shifting my gaze back down.
"Well, are we doing anything for it?" He pressed.
I looked up, sighing in frustration as I closed my notebook, clearly I wasn't going to get any quality study time in while he was present. "I actually haven't really thought a lot about it," I admitted, bitting on my lip. The last few weeks following Miroku's party had been… slow and painful.
Inuyasha was pissed with me. Like, really pissed. I had been refusing to answer his questions, forcing us to study instead of talk while I still attempted to grapple with my new reality. I didn't know how to explain to him that the thread that I was hanging off of for dear life was so brittle and thin that even a minor flutter of wind could knock me off my precarious life line.
It hadn't helped that the texting continued and, worse, had been increasing between him and "no one."
I had been grateful for finals because they provided a distraction, something within my control that I could fixate on. And I had. I spent every waking hour studying and reviewing notes just so my thoughts didn't have enough space to break free. If I remained distracted I wouldn't feel the full brunt of the unstoppable force that was my ardent and one-sided affection for Inuyasha.
In the end it would be futile, I knew that. There were only so many ways I could distract myself until I had to confront the unrelenting burden of my pain and the way he eclipsed everything else in my life. I was living on borrowed time, but it was a one-day-at-a-time operation. Or, at least, that's what Sango had dubbed it when she and I had talked about our game plan after the arcade.
Our plan? She was doing recognizance. Sango said it was her new mission in life to learn everything she could about this Kikyo girl, between sucking face with Kuranosuke that is.
Miroku nodded, violet eyes flitting around, likely looking for Sango and Inuyasha who normally joined us about then. "Kagome," he began firmly.
I narrowed my gaze. It was his serious tone. Miroku rarely used it, but the last time he had it was to drop a bomb so heavy Sango didn't speak to him for weeks. She had never told me what the bomb was, but it made me nervous nevertheless. "Yeah?" I replied.
"You know you can talk to me about you and Inuyasha, right?"
"I don't see what that has to do-"
"You two are barely speaking." He interrupted. Evidently he was tired of my shit after roughly… two seconds.
"He seems a little… preoccupied," I grumbled, fiddling with the frayed edge of my notebook as I spoke.
"For some one who knows him so well, it's remarkable how blind you are." Miroku mumbled, lowering his voice and looking behind me.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I whispered back, realizing that Miroku likely had a visual on the half-demon with the ultra-sensitive hearing.
"He's really upset Kagome."
"Yeah, I'm aware," I hissed.
"Then either you're hurting him intentionally or you're not looking at the situation correctly." Miroku spat, reconnecting his gaze with mine. "If you're having trouble thinking of what you want to do for your party, I'm happy to offer my services." Miroku had raised his voice when he spoke about the party, a signal that Inuyasha was within hearing distance and that we'd have to continue any discussion on his earlier comments at a later time.
Rude.
I swallowed thickly and rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest. I hadn't liked what Miroku said. It stung and I felt attacked by it. I would never intentionally hurt Inuyasha. Ever.
Which he knew. So, really, Miroku had been calling me blind. I wanted to disagree, but I had been blind before… I had been blind for roughly nine and a half years. That didn't mean that I enjoyed seeing though. I didn't enjoy watching my king laugh and smile at messages I knew he was getting from Kikyo. I didn't enjoy the way their conversations had consumed his entire attention.
The previous Friday night he'd come over like he normally did, but it wasn't normal. He checked his phone every five minutes and at times he didn't even look up from it.
"I don't think I want to do anything for my birthday this year," I replied, meeting his gaze and trying to express both my anger and my pain in the glare I gave Miroku. I didn't want his lectures and I didn't want his 'help.'
I didn't really know what I wanted at all. All I knew at that point was what I didn't want.
And I didn't want things to be like… that.
"What are you talking about?" Sango asked, surprising me as she came up, Inuyasha standing next to her. "We are doing something for you… even if we have to get Inuyasha to drag your ass there kicking and screaming."
I rolled my eyes and huffed as they took their seats.
"Kagome," Sango continued, "seriously, just throw out some things that sound fun or give me permission, right here and right now, to plan the party for you."
"Do whatever you want," I replied, looking over at Sango before thumbing open a page of my notes.
"Okay, you're both my witnesses," Sango joked, "you heard her give me her blessing."
"I'm not sure that's what I heard," Inuyasha remarked. I could hear his claws clacking along the glass surface of the phone as he typed out a response that was undoubtedly for Kikyo. It incited a vicious and unwelcome pang of jealously that had me grinding my teeth and staring rather intently at a single equation, as if that equation had been personally responsible for the hell I had found myself in.
"Back me up Miroku," Sango asked.
"Uh," was all he got out.
I felt her presence before I saw her or heard her speak. She just… walked up to us in the middle of our conversation. The banter between Sango and Miroku died in screaming agony, leaving a deafening silence in its wake.
I turned my head slowly to the side. It felt like my neck was creaking as I dragged my gaze off my note pad, coming face to face with my silent tormentor. She had the gall to stand there smiling over at my king with that thickly sweet look of infatuation that made me want to puke instantly.
I raked my eyes over her. Whatever battered condition my heart was in became infinitely worse as I realized with abrupt horror that she was gorgeous. No wonder she had a grip on my king's heart. Her hair was flawless, her figure was straight out of a magazine, her skin like fresh dew, and she just emanated an air of authority that I would never compare to. There was nothing about her that was bean-like, where as I was the epitome of it.
I'll be honest with you, distracting myself with finals and shit only worked during the day time. It didn't work very well at night when I was alone in my bed with nothing else to do but think about him and all I wanted with him and all that I thought I could never have with him.
Some of those nights also had me thinking about her. I knew next to nothing about Kikyo, hence why Sango wanted to do her research. Kikyo hadn't gone to the same schools with us for most of her life like ninety percent of our classmates had. She had moved here sometime near the end of middle school. I had never had her in my classes. So, at night, when I imagined her, I liked to think she was human trash because for five seconds it made sleep easier until I felt guilty for having such a wicked thought about a woman I didn't know.
Sitting there and seeing her for the first time in person, I was floored by her beauty and bitter that I hadn't wished harder that she be ugly.
"Hi," she announced, her soft onyx eyes lingering on Inuyasha before then making contact with Miroku and Sango. She saved me for last and… I didn't know if it was just me or not, but when our eyes met I felt none of that warmth or sweetness that had been embedded in her stare a millisecond earlier when she looked at literally everyone else. No, when our eyes connected it was cold. Like, polar bears and penguins would feel at home in the weather between us type cold.
She spared barely a second to make contact with me before looking right back at Inuyasha.
I blinked quickly, brows furrowing in confusion. I had never met her and yet she had looked at me with such vehemence it had me flipping through my memories for a time I may have wronged her and wondering what I may have done in a past life. The sound of my king stuttering in surprise pulled me from that process though, forcing my eyes to divert to him.
"H-hi Kikyo," he stammered, looking back at her, a loathsome pink marring his perfect face as he looked back at her.
I turned away. I had to. I couldn't… I couldn't watch him lust after her. I felt so uncomfortable, like I was creeping up on an intimate moment between lovers in the midst of their passion instead of trying to eat lunch and hide under my notebook that was entirely too small for my bean shaped body and wild hair.
"Hey," Miroku responded dryly, "you have a good weekend?"
Traitor.
"I did, thank you for asking. You?" She asked in that overly nice tone that was so obviously a front because she was speaking with Inuyasha's friends to win him over. As if she had even needed to do more. She had already succeeded in ruining several of our dates over the past few weeks.
"Eh, can't complain that much," Miroku replied shrugging.
"What are you all up to?" She asked, making eye contact with Sango, Miroku, and Inuyasha. Not me though… evidently that one icy stare was more than enough for her.
"Planning Kagome's birthday," Sango replied. I turned to look at my friend. Her tone had been clipped and, I realized, her brow was raised slightly, her lips pressed into a thin line. She was displeased with Kikyo, overtly so.
It made me love Sango all the more.
Kikyo seemed to realize her presence or actions had some how offended Sango because her pearly smile fell incrementally. "Sounds fun, I'll leave you to it! See you later, Inuyasha!"
I hated how she said his name. It came out breathy and stirring, far too sensual for a conversation during lunch at school. In another life she could have easily been Marylin Monroe serenading President Kennedy. But in this life it had my face twisting into a grimace, swallowing down the bile in my throat.
"Really?" Sango chastised, glaring at Inuyasha.
"What?!" He balked, "I literally didn't do anything!"
"H-hi Kikyo," Sango mocked, teasing him for the way he had stammered like the love struck puppy I was sure he was.
"Stop," I murmured, "don't make fun of him."
"So," Miroku began taking the silence that fell between us after as his chance to bring the conversation full circle. "Seeing as it's almost summer… we should throw Kagome a summer themed party, yes? I like summer. You like summer. Let's think summer time fun."
"Whoopee," I grumbled sarcastically, shoving my face back into my notes so that no one could see the way my eyes were becoming glassy and red.
Miroku cornered me at the end of the day. His hand wrapping around my cooked-noodle of a bicep and dragging me out of view before Sango or Inuyasha caught up.
"What gives?!" I exclaimed, rubbing the spot on my upper arm where he'd been holding.
"I meant it, earlier," he began, big violet eyes with soft edges searching mine. "You can talk to me about what's going on with you and Inuyasha."
"I know," I murmured, looking back at him. "And I meant it earlier… when I said that he's been distracted."
"Can I ask you a personal question?" Miroku pressed, stepping closer to me, voice dropping to nothing more than a hush.
I nodded.
"How do you feel about him?"
How did I feel about my king…
I opened my mouth, preparing to speak, because really wasn't it an easy answer?
I loved Inuyasha, but I paused because it started to sink in that love meant so many things. It was so multifaceted and contained so many different meanings and emotions within a single four letter word. I didn't love him the way I loved my mother or brother. I didn't love him the way I loved Sango and Miroku. I didn't even love him the same way I had a few years ago, our connection had evolved into something I was still figuring out. I loved him in a way that had me constantly questioning my sanity and unable to break from the fear that my life wouldn't be whole without him.
I loved him so much and in such a way that I cherished every stupid, little thing he did - other than text Kikyo. Even when he made me so mad I couldn't see straight, Inuyasha was the only thing in my world that I came back to again and again.
He was home.
I would come back to him again and again, and… I needed to go back, even if it hurt me because I wouldn't be whole without him…
Miroku had already told me I was doing harm. I couldn't let that stand. I tormented those who made hurt my king, I wouldn't become them.
"Kagome?" He mumbled when I didn't give an immediate answer.
My response would never do my feelings for Inuyasha justice, but it was the only way I knew how to even begin to articulate the depth and meaning of my feelings for him.
I turned away from Miroku, hearing Sango's voice and my king's booming laugh as they came out of the school. It broke my heart that he liked her, but… "I love him," I responded.
So what could I do?
I could be there for him. I could encourage him and help make him happy. I could be the queen he deserved and the best friend I told him I was.
Miroku raked his hand through his hair and sighed. I didn't know if that was the answer he wanted or expected. I didn't know which 'love' he thought I was referring to, but it wasn't important. I had a kingdom to run and sometimes… sometimes that meant making unsavory alliances.