"You're an idiot," Sango chastised again, slurping on her smoothie as we leisurely mulled through the shops. The semester had ended a few weeks earlier and in the spirit of 'summer' Miroku and Sango had planned a party for me after my actual birthday. Sango had wanted to post-pone the event so that I wouldn't stress too much during finals and so she could get some new things to wear in the sun and warm weather, which is how we ended up at the mall.
My actual birthday that year had been phenomenal but they didn't need to know all the assorted details of that… Why, you might be wondering? It's not because there was anything super scandalous that had occurred it was just that… it had been really… special. And I didn't want either Sango or Miroku to chastise me more than they were already doing.
It was made pretty clear that they were not fans of my plan to make peace with Kikyo and support Inuyasha's first crush even if I had been sure that that was the right thing to do. I mean… what kind of friend or queen would I have been to him, if I didn't at least try?
So, what, pray tell, did I do on my birthday that I was so unwilling to share with Sango and Miroku?
I hung out with Inuyasha.
Shocker… I know.
Truth be told… he forced me to hang out with him. I was studying, avoiding my all-consuming and painfully amorous thoughts of him, when the guy just showed up, unannounced outside my window. I had been about to ream him out and so I super gracefully - whisper yelled, it wasn't tactful in the least - informed him that our parents would kill us because there were, in fact, several rules about him showing up without warning, hanging out in my bed room with me when the door was closed, during finals.
Inuyasha hadn't cared in the slightest. He had merely told me to close my "big mouth" then he had extended his hand toward me. Meanwhile, I, like the love-sick fool I was, had merely rolled my eyes but took his hand in mine all the same. We spent the rest of the evening on the roof of my family's home, staring at the stars, sharing the picnic he'd brought. Don't get me wrong, it was still Inuyasha, so the picnic was mostly chips, soda, and string cheese but he'd also brought a few ring pops and boxes of cinnamon hearts.
Why had it felt so special when it was such a garbage spread of snacks during freaking finals? Because we'd never hung out on the roof before. It was… unique, like we had a safe space between us, just for us. Despite all the chaos that had begun to bleed into our lives - into our friendship - that space and that time, on the roof, out of reach of everyone else, felt like ours. Just me and Inuyasha; a queen and her king.
Even if I stared at him every time he looked away, trying desperately to memorize the way he looked nothing short of ethereal and regal in the moonlight, only to quickly look up at the sky when he turned to face me, I had treasured those moments where it was just us. I wanted to absolutely drown in his existence. I craved every moment of his time and energy.
It had taken all my willpower that evening not to tie him to my bed and keep him within arms reach for the rest of my ridiculous life.
That night, Inuyasha and I hadn't really sorted through our "issues," but I figured 'our' issues were really mostly just… me… I was the one that had been keeping him at arms length because of my own fear and dislike of his affection for another. I was the one that had been struggling to accept our changing realities. I was the one that had been at the center of every recent problem… So, sitting on the roof of my mother's house, realizing how much I just fucking missed him, I had thought that I would just stop being the problem… Simple enough, right?
Inuyasha had taken the night off from berating me for my birthday and for a moment we were just us again. It had been everything I didn't realize I needed but it had also confirmed my worst fear; that it wasn't enough. He'd left that evening and all I had wanted to do was taste him again. To feel his warmth break through every surface layer and burn my tender heart with a searing heat that would wound me in the best of ways. But… he'd left like he always did, with a brisk wave and nod in my direction before disappearing into the night.
So, why was Sango calling me an idiot at the mall? Well, because I had told Miroku to invite Kikyo to whatever the hell they were planning. In fact, I had insisted on her receiving an invite.
I had meant it when I said that I might need to make some objectionable allies… Objectionable allies being Kikyo. She was the only objectionable person. Her. I wanted my king to be happy. That was all. And if she made him happy… then I would swallow my pride and grant her access to my court. Even if I detested it.
And, between us, I detested it with every goddam fiber of my tiny little frame. Every. Last. Cell. Hated Kikyo.
Sango, my valiant and strong-willed duchess had not been thrilled either.
But, I rolled my eyes as she chastised my decision, again.
See, everyone wants to be a queen but it's not easy. Heavy is the crown, as that saying goes. As queen, you have to make hard choices. You have to keep the kingdom together. I wasn't actively seeking to expand my power, I just wanted my king to remain my king. That meant sacrifices had to be made, compromises reached.
"I mean, you love him!" Sango exclaimed freely, mostly because Inuyasha wasn't there. He had a couple of his regular doctor's appointments shoved into a single day so that his mother wouldn't have to take multiple P.T.O. days from work and wasn't able to join us at the mall but I would meet up with him later.
Miroku was… somewhere. I assumed following girls up the escalators to look up their skirts or something.
"Why would you invite her?" Sango grimaced as she referred to Kikyo in all but name. She had a certain tone now that she used to refer to our classmate. It was a hateful mix of disinterest, irritation, and something like a whine you'd have when lifting your foot out of dog shit.
"Because he likes her," I stated, my eyes drifting to the side and examining a stylized mannequin while I pulled on my bulky sweater self consciously.
"So? He's wrong," Sango replied, mulberry eyes dragging over me as I picked at my clothes.
I snorted, "don't you mean that I'm the one that's wrong?" I asked, only half paying attention to the way her eyes were examining me. "I'm the one that has a one-sided attraction to him."
"First, and I'm not sure how many times Miroku and I have to say this to the two of you, it's not one sided. Just show up at his house naked already!" She sighed in exasperation.
"Sure, I'll do that as soon as you just come out and say that you and Kuranosuke are dating." I replied, thinking myself smart and feeling like I had gotten one over on her.
I should have known better.
"Kuranosuke and I are dating," Sango murmured, blushing incrementally for the briefest of moments before she swiveled around on her heels and grinned wickedly at me. "So… shall we get you an outfit that you can 'wear' to Inuyasha's? And by outfit I mean coat and by wear I mean to safely cover your lady bits until you can unveil them to him for his fondling pleasure?"
"What-" I began, surprised by her admission and the brazen language that followed, also skeptical of her news given the context but I wasn't able to fully express my thoughts because her hands wrapped around me swiftly right before she began pulling me into the same store that I had been looking into a moment earlier with ease, giggling like a hyena the entire time.
"We're getting you something sexy!" She exclaimed, as if dressing up a bean would make it any less of a bean.
"Sango," I whined, "I don't really have a… shape." At least, nothing that I would have compared to Kikyo. That woman was the definition of elegance, beauty… and early development.
Sango rolled her eyes and didn't listen to me, still pulling me around the racks of clothing, "we need to get you something that isn't a frumpy sweater."
"Hey!" I exclaimed indignantly, and self-consciously. There was a reason for the sweater…
"Also, why are you wearing that?" She asked, pausing to rake her mulberry eyes over me again as I tried to sink further into myself. I didn't really want to directly address her question. Lately I hadn't felt very… comfortable in my skin. Our health classes had promised that things would change and my mother had warned me that our family had "late bloomers" and all that jazz… At the time it had felt like that just another issue I was having to wrap my tender brain around and had been struggling with. I had noticed things back during finals, but… well… finals. So… yeah.
"I-I… I've gained some weight…" I mumbled, cheeks burning and looking at the floor like it would save me from my embarrassment.
"Okay… and?" Sango pressed, leaning closer to me, overtly looking me up and down. Her right brow cocked upward while she narrowed her gaze. She didn't believe me in the slightest. Without taking her eyes off me, she grabbed the closest thing to her and started pushing me toward the dressing room.
"Kagome, weight is not a problem. As much as society wants us to look like freaking poles and sell clothes, women aren't really supposed to look like that. We are supposed to have fat and come in a variety of shapes. The only reason you should wear a sweater is because you're cold or because you want to, not to hide an insecurity because you have nothing to be insecure about."
"I know, I know…" I mumbled, focused less on what she was saying and more on the fact that she was tossing me into a dressing room and blocking the door. I nibbled on my lip as she pressed the random garment into my hand. "Wha-"
"Try it on, Kagome." She commanded. "Let's see what we're working with here and I promise you… we will make every damn man see what a prize you truly are! Now, hurry up! We don't have all day! I need something sexy for Kuranosuke too."
I swallowed thickly, mouth opening and closing as I struggled to form words. I could feel beads of sweat forming along my hairline as I shakily hung the garment next to me and gripped at the edges of my sweater, looking over pleadingly at Sango whose resolve would not be questioned.
"Kagome, trust me I've seen it all before," Sango sneered pointing to her own flawless body. Sango was gorgeous. Truly. So gorgeous I would be lying to say she had never appeared in any steamy dreams I may or may not have had while my hormones ravaged my sanity.
She didn't appear half as often as Inuyasha, but that was neither here nor there really…
I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes and slowly, painfully, pulled the sweater over my head, waiting for the her response.
"Are you… fucking… kidding me?!" Sango squealed, narrow gaze bursting wide open while a broad grin spread over her face. "Kagome!" She exclaimed my name the same way some one would if gifted a puppy or a kitten, with high-pitched glee, excitement and disdainful jubilance.
I let my head fall to the side, ignoring the mirror but feeling the heat on my face as she ogled me before her surprised joy morphed into laughter.
"Oh my god, I get it," she cackled. "Weight, you didn't mean like… you'd eaten a little too much. You meant you finally have boobs!"
"Sango!" I bemoaned in a hiss, praying that she wouldn't just yell things like that in public.
"Why are you wearing a sports bra though?!" She continued, ignoring my discomfort and reaching forward to pluck at the outline of my bra. "You need to show those babies off!"
"Stop!" I hissed, crossing my arms over my chest and pulling away from her touch.
"Kagome… what's wrong?!" She asked, clearly not understanding my dilemma. "You're growing up and you look hot!"
I rolled my eyes, "pretty sure adding boobs to a potato doesn't make it 'hot.'" Nah, you need a microwave or an oven for that. But me? I was just a lumpy kid with boobs that didn't quite fit the rest of her.
Don't get me wrong, I still thought I looked like bean. Just… maybe less lima bean and more jelly bean, you know? Still roughly the same shape with just a little more… emphasis on that I was, in fact, a woman and not a ten year-old boy.
Though, Sango's wide eyes, raised brows, and pursed lips told me that I may have been more woman than I originally thought.
"Kagome… have you only been wearing sweaters around Inuyasha?"
"Yeah, why?"
"For fuck's-" She face palmed. I had had no idea that people did that in real life but she did it. Sango actually face palmed and it had been very distracting. "Why…. why have you been wearing sweaters in summer?"
"I-I don't really have other things that… fit… now…" I muttered. My mother had been right about the late bloomer thing but she had utterly failed to inform me how quickly that change might take root. Sango had grown on a normal time line, gradually and with a minute to process and adjust. I felt like I was a glorified nugget, as in chicken nugget, of a person one day and then the next I just woke up with boobs and a butt that I had to squeeze into jeans that were abruptly too tight or skirts that were suddenly too short.
I wore sports bras daily and lumpy sweaters that provided me a comfort that my day-to-day life was lacking. Plus, I spent most of my days inside where there was air conditioning. It wasn't really a problem to wear a sweater until I went to the mall and could feel the sweat dripping down from my armpits, collecting in the 'breathable' fabric of my very constricting cotton and spandex bra that was also starting to feel a little too snug for comfort.
Sango shook her head. "Kagome, we're at the mall… we're getting you clothes that fit. Now, where the hell is Miroku?"
"Why do we need Miroku?" I whined, hugging myself with my arms after pulling the sweater down and before Sango stepped out of the dressing room.
"Because, say what you want about him… he knows a lot about… proper fitting."
"Sango…" I mumbled, feeling the heat from my face drain and nerves reach new heights.
"Oh relax, I'll be with you. I'll make sure he doesn't take advantage of you."
"Um-"
Any and all protest I had died in my throat as Sango dragged me out of the random clothing store with one hand, cellphone in her other, making a bee line through the mall. I could hear her speaking, or rather yelling, at Miroku through the receiver and telling him to meet us at the nearest store that sold lingerie and/or undergarments.
I tried, I really did, to free myself from Sango's death grip and to convince her that it was unnecessary. For the majority of the walk though she merely glared at me through the corner of her eye, still on the phone with Miroku.
Finally, when we had arrived outside her chosen place of reckoning, she released my arm and hung up the phone with Miroku. I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and stared at the beautiful and expensive apparel that in reality I had thought that no one would ever see but me. I knew that it was silly being so embarrassed about something totally natural, that still didn't make me feel better.
"Kagome," Sango murmured in a softer voice. I turned to look at her. "If you really don't want to do this-"
"I'm just scared. I feel like… everything is changing and I really…" I swept my gaze back over to the plethora of styles and forms and just more things I had to deal with at a time I already felt like I was swimming against the current and beginning to lose ground.
"Miroku will help," Sango insisted confidently. "He actually helped me a little while back."
That had surprised me.
When had Sango and Miroku hung out like that?…
I didn't have the time I wanted to question her. Miroku walked right up to me, placed a hand on my shoulder and grinned. "You're in good hands, Kagome."
I frowned.
"Can we not make her uncomfortable?" Sango muttered, rolling her eyes and taking a step toward the store door.
"My deepest apologies," Miroku responded seriously.
I nodded only a little surprised by his shift in demeanor. I followed them both into the store, "so I don't really know what size I am now-"
"Don't worry, I've got it covered," Miroku replied easily, striding into the store with a strange almost academic confidence. As I walked in, I noticed a few things, the first and most striking being that none of the sales associates seemed even the least bit perturbed by his presence. One even nodded over at him before going back to talking with another.
Another thing I noticed, no one so much as batted an eye when Miroku took two women into a private dressing room. I felt like I was in an episode of the twilight zone or something because there was no way that was normal, right?!
Evidently… I wasn't just in good hands… but I was in experienced hands.
Anyway, the three of us walked back into the dressing room and Sango turned toward me. "Take off the sweater."
I swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath to calm my nerves and pulled it off like she requested, waiting awkwardly for some joke from Miroku or-or… something.
But he said nothing. Silence hung between the three of us and that was all.
I looked over at him, noticing that his head was slightly tilted to the side, violet eyes examining my chest with a heavy scrutiny that had me blushing and squirming at my own lack of dress.
Miroku hadn't seemed the least bit concerned as he stepped around me, using the pads of his fingers to tap at my forearms in a silent signal for me to peel my arms away from my sides.
"What happened to my pervy friend?" I joked nervously as I held my arms up and Miroku continued to stare very intently and seriously at my chest.
His violet eyes flicked up to mine, still stern and lacking any hint of the mischief or charisma that I was so accustomed to. He looked like a man on a mission, a very platonic and damn near academic mission. "I don't make light of a woman's comfort, especially not a friend. We're here to make you feel happy and confident. I would never sully your confidence or trust in such a manner."
See? That was why Miroku was a duke, despite his many - though lovable - character flaws. It was rare to see, especially in such a context, but when Miroku wanted to be, he could be one of the best defenders of your confidence and trust.
I nodded, quietly. My face was still bright red, but, I actually was suddenly more comfortable in his presence.
"Okay, so seeing as the three of us are together, this might be a good time to cover some important topics of discussion," Sango suggested, leaning against the wall of the dressing room, a finger tapping idly on her chin while she looked up at the ceiling thought.
"Now? Really?" I asked as Miroku shuffled to my side and poked at my gross, sweat-stained sports bra.
"Yes, I enlisted Miroku's help with getting intel on Kikyo."
"What?!" I exclaimed. They really had a way of stripping me down physically and emotionally…
"She was in our metal shop class, that's how they met," Miroku replied flatly, brows furrowed as he scrutinized my sides a moment longer before looking up at me. "She's had a crush on him since like September."
"So you're friends with her?" I asked, feeling more than a little betrayed at the idea.
"Eh," Miroku mumbled noncommittally, "you finish telling her what we talked about. I'm going to go grab a few things," he replied looking at Sango. Turning to me he asked, "padding or natural?"
"Both," Sango answered for me. "We are not leaving here without at least one push-up bra for her."
I made a face at Sango and huffed, instinctively reaching for my sweater when she reached out and swiped it away from me first. "Oh, and Miroku? Can you grab a tight white t-shirt or something?"
"Just generic?" He asked seriously. I swear in another life he must have worked at one of these stores or something else that I really didn't want to think too much about.
"Something that will actually show that she has a shape," Sango tossed, letting him out of the room quickly before focusing her attention back on me. "He was telling me that Inuyasha originally had no interest in her."
"Well when did that change?" I asked bitterly.
"When you started to spend time with Hojo."
I whipped my head around and glared at her, hard. I didn't like the accusation embedded in her tone or the way she had phrased that statement. "You're the one that told me to date."
"I told you to jump Inuyasha's bones."
"Or date!"
"Yeah, and Kagome… you haven't done either! You're not dating Hojo and you haven't forced our little puppy to howl your name at the moon!"
"Wolves howl…"
"So do dogs! Whatever, not the point!" She threw her hands up in exasperation. "To make matters worse, Kagome, you had a panic attack after he kissed you!"
"Yeah, because I realized I wanted to do that until my goddam lips fell off! It was kind of a big, scary moment for me!" I replied loudly, contrasting how feeble and small I felt when she was forcing me to confront the situation I was in. I mean… I was very aware of my predicament, I didn't need the freaking reminder!
"Kagome, to anyone else… it looked like you had a panic attack because he kissed you."
"Yeah I said that…"
"What I mean is… it looked like you hadn't wanted him to and may have even… disliked it…"
That hit me like a freight train.
Like a massive, overly large and ridiculously heavy freight train that I wished would have killed me instead of leaving me there gaping at the pain and mental disfigurement I was left with. I had been so absorbed in my futile attempt to process and/or curb the tsunami of my feelings that I hadn't realized that my actions could have been construed in a different light than how I saw them.
The recollection of the panic my king had felt that fateful night flooded my vision and I felt dizzy. Inuyasha had reached out for me, to make sure I had been okay. My king had come for his queen, and, as a bitter chill crept into every crevice of my soul with an unyielding force, I realized that I had pulled away… He had sensed my anxiety. I hadn't let him in the room until he evoked an emergency safe word. Then, once I had let him in, I had removed my shoulder from his grasp.
I had put distance between us at a time he may have needed comfort.
Sango was right.
To anyone outside my head, outside my heart, it would almost certainly have looked like I was in agony in a totally different way.
Including to my king.
"Have you talked to Inuyasha about any of this?" Sango asked quietly.
I looked at the floor, a bitter taste in my mouth and shoulders slumping in defeat, "no… I… I thought that… I didn't realize…"
"Okay, stop thinking whatever you're thinking," Sango murmured softly, her hands hovering over my skin without touching me, seemingly realizing that I was very exposed and more than a little broken up. "We're going to figure this out, okay?"
I nodded as a loud knock reverberated across the door, rattling the cheap lock.
"It's me!" Miroku exclaimed.
Sango opened the door and Miroku walked in, his arms full of different bras and shirts. He looked at me for all of one second before glaring at Sango, "you were supposed to provide information not send her into a deep, catatonic depression!"
Apparently I looked as bad as I felt.
"I think you went a little overboard," she hissed in response, looking at the large stack of garments.
"No, trust me… I didn't," he replied. "So where are we in the story?"
"Inuyasha only started paying attention to Kikyo when Kagome began speaking to Hojo," Sango muttered.
"Do I have to do all the work?!" Miroku spat, "that's the very beginning!" He grumbled to himself, definitely a habit he picked up from his time around Inuyasha, and placed the stack of clothes on the bench near me. He grabbed a bra and a white shirt. "Here, we're going through each one of these okay? That's a non-padded wire one good for every day wear, we'll start there and branch out based on how comfortable you are and what you like or don't like, okay?"
I looked over at Sango, she rolled her eyes but nodded to go along with him. I gingerly took the items from him and he turned around so that he was facing the wall. "Now, he started being less… annoyed by her presence around the time you started taking a more substantial interest in Hojo. But he still wasn't really talking to her. In fact, he mostly got annoyed at me for mentioning her."
"Why the hell would you mention her?!" Sango snarled.
"Because I wanted to get in her pants!" Miroku snapped, "but she mostly talked to him! I wanted him to put in a good word for me! That and Kagome had seemed happy to be talking to Hojo! So, I wasn't going to actively discourage him!"
"You are a moron," she continued.
"You know what, if we had just gone with my idea-"
"Can we just move on with the story?" I interrupted before accidentally snapping a strap against my skin. "Ow…"
"Yeah, so, as I was saying…" Miroku quipped, narrowing his eyes at Sango. "Inuyasha didn't take any real interest in her until the end of the semester. She got his number-"
"How did she do that?" Sango grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Kikyo literally grabbed his phone when he was about to text Kagome and called herself with it." He answered dryly.
She rolled her eyes but relaxed against the wall again, looking over at me briefly while I fiddled with the shirt. Me and my uncoordinated self had gotten the tags on the shirt stuck on something and was struggling to free myself without breaking down into a crying mess. Sango exhaled loudly but pushed off the wall and helped me.
"She started texting him and he just… responded. Then there was the party where Kagome freaked out-"
"Oh my god!" I exclaimed, "I had a panic attack!"
"Yeah right after he kissed you… not a great look," Miroku commented.
"She's dressed, what do you think?" Sango asked, tilting her head and scrutinizing me.
Miroku turned and did the same, nodding before running his hands along my rib cage and playing with the bands. He nodded then looked at me, "how do you feel?"
I frowned and turned into the mirror. Truthfully, I felt like utter garbage. I had inadvertently pushed Inuyasha and Kikyo together. I had freaked out over his kiss even though I was desperate to drink from him again. And I hadn't even had enough sense to realize any of this on my own.
But… On a separate, lighter note, Miroku did know what he was doing. As I looked in the mirror I realized that Sango may have had a point… I wasn't a bean. Especially not in a well-fitting bra.
"It feels…. not terrible actually," I murmured in response, shifting around. It actually felt more comfortable than my sweat-stained sports bra that lay mocking me on the floor next to the sweater.
"Good!" Miroku exclaimed, moving toward the pile and handing me another to try. "So we keeping this?"
"Yeah," I replied reluctantly.
"Kagome-" He began, his voice laced with concern.
I gave him a weak smile, "It's not the bra," I informed. "I just… the situation with Inuyasha…"
"Don't worry," Miroku murmured, placing a hand on my shoulder and very intentionally keeping his gaze level with mine. "One thing at a time but we'll figure that out too. Okay?"
I nodded, not entirely sure how much I believed in that. Helping me fit into bras was one thing but getting me and Inuyasha together seemed like such a more significant and challenging task.
After another fifty minutes of discussion, we walked up to the register. I had picked out three bras that I liked and Sango threw in three more for "emphasis" including a new swim suit. In that time I had learned that neither Miroku or Sango thought that anything with Kikyo would turn into a serious situation. They were both convinced that his infatuation with Kikyo was "purely hormonal," as Miroku had put it, and would be as short lived as my heavy eyeliner phase in middle school. I hadn't taken kindly to that comparison but… I understood the points that they were trying to impart on me.
There were four to be exact. Four prongs to our brilliant plan to reverse the damage I had intentionally caused and would have given anything to go back in time and fix.
First, keep Hojo at a safe distance.
Second, keep Inuyasha close. Miroku had been stern on that one - I was not to shut Inuyasha out again. If I was having negative feelings or the like I was to go to Sango or Miroku and discuss it with them.
Third, wait out the storm. Even if I wasn't convinced, Miroku and Sango were sure that Kikyo would be a thing of the past as long as we let it fizzle out.
I had hoped they were right. At the time, I had no idea what to expect from Kikyo. I didn't think she'd be in and out of our lives just like that but I would have been lying to say that I hadn't wanted my king back in my arms and only mine as soon as possible.
The fourth and final prong?
Stop. Wearing. Sweaters.
"Kags!"
My eyes had darted over to the very closed door before very quickly flitting back to the mirror as I worked on chewing half my bottom lip off.
"Kags!" He exclaimed again, his head knocking on the other side of my bedroom door that he was leaning against.
I still didn't reply. I just… stared.
Sango and Miroku hadn't just picked out some bras for me that day at the mall… they had also picked my attire for the party that they were throwing me. My "birthday" party which was also a pool party. Now… my family didn't have a pool, Sango's family didn't have a pool, and Miroku's family didn't have a pool… but Koga did.
That's right.
Miroku - traitor - had negotiated to have my birthday party at the knight's humble abode and had picked out my outfit for the whole thing.
Part of me thought I should have just gone naked.
But I didn't… though I was not dressed far from it…
"For fuck's sake," Inuyasha groaned, loudly, bored and irate, his sickly rich and angelic voice filtering into my room and making my heart race even faster at the thought of him baring witness to my "lady bits" as Sango had so eloquently dubbed them.
I shifted slightly and felt everything move. The bathing suit was less a bathing suit and more like a few red shoe laces tied together. And the cover up? Well that was sheer, covering only a little bit more than the actual strings blocking my nipples - because heaven forbid any man see my nipples and be sent into an uncontrollable fit of lust versus actually keeping my budding womanhood in one goddam spot.
My king pounded on the door, his irritation winning out over his nonexistent need for tact or grace or patience.
I swallowed thickly, shimmying out of the 'cover up' before frantically beginning to search the room for something - anything - else to provide even a modicum of modesty.
I could still hear him grumbling on the other side of the door and, I was pretty sure, between the melodic huffs and murmurs I could hear something far worse than his impatience; the tap tap of his claws along the glass screen of his smart phone. It made me stop immediately, my gaze drifting back to the mirror.
Sango had told me why they had picked what they did. It was the same reasoning behind her 'no sweater' policy. She had said that if I wanted Inuyasha to see me as a woman… I needed to let him see me… as a woman. I had hated it at the mall and I hated it then, staring into the mirror, with Inuyasha on the other side of the door, my desire to be seen and my desire to hide battling it out.
Kikyo was a woman though… stunning and beautiful and, I would be lying to you if I said that there wasn't at least a tiny portion of my brain that yelled at me to prove that I could be his in a different way than he'd known, in the same way he thought of Kikyo.
My phone buzzed on the bed and I grabbed at it without looking. "Hello?"
"Are you fucking done yet?" He snapped at me through the phone.
"Yash!" I hissed, though a small smile tugged at my lips.
"Kags! You've been in there for forty minutes! How long does it take to pick out a bathing suit?!" He whined. I clenched my jaw, feeling an involuntary warmth soothe my aching chest. It was criminal how quickly and easily my entire sense of being was calmed by his voice, even when he was technically berating me.
"I have the suit picked out!"
"Then what's the fucking holding up?" It wasn't menacing, he definitely sounded closer to a child on the verge of a tantrum than actually angry.
"I-I can't pick the right cover up!" I squeaked, burying my flaming cheeks into my free hand and ducking away from the mirror even though I was the only person in the room.
How.
Embarrassing.
"Why…" he began, an eye roll obvious by his tone of voice, "why does that matter? You won't be wearing it for most of the time anyway."
That was a valid point…
I still didn't like it.
"Okay fine!" I snapped, hanging up the call and picking up the sheer shit Sango had suggested I wear. I wrapped it around me, hugging it close to my body before grabbing my back-pack style purse and throwing open the door. "Let's go," I growled, catching the way he opened his mouth, eyebrows tilted downward and together in immediate and default irritation before both blew wide and open, eye brows flying under his bangs and hidden from view while his mouth gaped in something far more invigorating than your run of the mill shock or surprise.
"Uh, what the hell are you wearing?" He muttered, blinking rapidly and pointing at really the lack of clothing I had on with a clawed finger.
"A bathing suit… and cover up," I gritted out, my lungs practically wringing out the air in my chest while all blood rushed to my pale cheeks giving them far too much color for something as mundane as going to a pool party with your best friend.
He opened his mouth again to speak before evidently deciding against it and turning down toward the kitchen. I rolled my eyes and followed him down the stairs, watching him swipe two boxes of cinnamon hearts before returning to my side by the entryway.
"Jeez, two?" I joked with him, heading out of the house, but not before waving bye to my grandfather who grumbled something about demons tainting his granddaughter. If only he knew that two humans were behind my ridiculous ensemble…
"Oh I'm sorry were you saving these for someone else?" Inuyasha sneered, dizzying amber irises pulling me in like a moth to a flame.
"No," I replied sourly.
"Then what's the problem? I think I deserve two for dealing with Koga."
"It's my birthday!"
"No, your birthday was weeks ago," he chided, dropping a few candies in his mouth before looking at me again.
I didn't fight him further on it. Honestly, it didn't bother me in the slightest that he took two. I just wanted him near me. I wanted to feel the warmth radiating off his skin and the comfort that came with his confidence. I wanted those heated amber eyes to rove all over me before bringing his lips back into my grasp. I would be remise to also point out that Sango may not have been totally full of shit, because our entire walk over to Koga's place my king didn't pull out his phone once to text Kikyo. No, he spent the whole stroll talking to me and devouring cinnamon hearts.
Now… I couldn't say for sure whether that was a result of the bathing suit or my outfit… but… it certainly correlated.
Sango and Miroku were waiting at the door of Koga's place for Inuyasha and I when we arrived. Greeting us both with big hugs before the duo exchanged knowing and intrusive glances at me. Miroku even had the audacity to nod to himself, internally praising his and Sango's work while looking me and my shoe-string bikini over.
After taking a minute to appreciate their handy work, they each pushed us out toward the back porch where the rest of the party was. In true Koga fashion, everyone was there.
Including Kikyo.
I spotted her while Koga spotted me, making quick work of excusing himself from whatever conversation he had been in prior to my arrival in order to pay his respects to his queen.
"Do my eyes deceive me?" He exclaimed, his bright, swirling blue gaze overtly dragging over my body. "Happy Birthday Kagome," he purred walking up to me and leaving next to no space between us, those intense eyes gliding along every bean-shaped curve of mine that was unabashedly on display thanks to Sango and Miroku's plan.
"Thanks," I smiled politely, though internally I wanted to bury my head and face into Inuyasha's chest and hide there until the party was over and it was safe for me to put on at least a dozen lumpy sweaters.
"I'm very impressed with your… uh… maturity. Fifteen looks good on you," Koga murmured, his gaze returning to mine for a brief moment.
It had been meant as a compliment, I think, but it instantly made me hyperaware of a situation I was still coming to terms with, also referred to as my changing body. I tried to swallow down my discomfort but became instantly distracted by a low growl next to me. I turned, mesmerized by the fire in my best friend's eyes and the true glare he was bestowing on Koga.
My king had not been a fan of the wolf's compliment.
Koga, a knight and a determined one at that, laughed, placing a heavy clawed hand on Inuyasha's shoulders before looking back just as intently at him, "don't worry puppy. I'll take good care of your friend."
"What the hell-" He began to bite back, interrupted by the shrill and bitter sound of a voice I would unfortunately come to know far better than I would have liked.
"Inuyasha!"
He turned, surprised and caught off guard by a different voice calling his name. Unsurprisingly it was Kikyo, she was walking over to him, waving madly, clad in a rose colored suit that made her look both neon white and about as soft as velvet.
Damn her and her natural beauty.
Koga snorted immediately, squeezing his hand over Inuyasha's shoulder, before letting it fall to the side. "See? Why don't you go take care of her and leave Kagome to me," he murmured, low enough that I think he thought I couldn't hear his comment but I did and it only served to make me feel more out of place in my own body, at my own party.
I shivered from the ice dripping down my spine. I didn't want my king to leave. I didn't want to be devoured by a wolf. I wanted to be consumed by fire and heat so warm, and so bright, that it would forever banish all my fears and all notions of chilliness.
Kikyo, like Koga, didn't seem the least bit perturbed by our lack of emotional closeness before standing nearly as close to me as Koga, but still, somehow, closer to Inuyasha. "H-happy Birthday!" She exclaimed. Kikyo stuttered when her morose gaze landed on my chest momentarily before very openly following down the rest of me. Her eyebrows twitched up in surprise for a brief second before she regained her composure, though her gaze was notedly a shade darker and colder than before.
Kikyo was never dumb.
Ever.
In a single second she had figured out what Sango and Miroku were trying to get me to understand. That lesson being that men were visual creatures and I was dressed for a show. Worse still, she had already realized that I wasn't just a friend… I was potential competition. Kikyo hadn't liked that, at least I didn't think she did based on the hairs on the back of my neck that stood up when she had looked at me again after sizing up me and my red shoelace-bikini.
"Thanks," I answered dryly, turning to Sango and Miroku only to find that they had ditched us and were both already in the pool. Sango was in Kuranosuke's arms and Miroku… well… his hands were already full. We'll put it that way.
I blinked at the empty spaces that Sango and Miroku had occupied, realizing that boobs alone didn't make a girl a woman, but that women - and queens - had to face uncomfortable situations. Situations like Kikyo subtly letting her cover up fall to the sides of her shoulders so that her assets were on display as well, as if the key to my king's heart was really a measure of who had the biggest chest. Situations like Koga still unabashedly looking me over like I was a tootsie pop that he wanted to take up to one of his many bed rooms and lick until he reached my gooey center. Situations like Hojo, my sweet, innocent Cinnabon loudly and happily exclaiming my name over the cacophony of raging hormones that was the group of Kikyo, Koga, Inuyasha, and me, as he walked over.
"Kagome! Happy birthday!" Hojo continued, boldly - or naively, probably naively - walking into the lion's den, right by Koga and Inuyasha, to give me a hug.
My eyes widened in surprise as his arms wrapped around me. It wasn't a long hug and it wasn't even remotely sexual in nature. It was warm, friendly and comforting, like him. Even as he pulled away, blissfully unaware of the raging jealously in Koga's glare, Hojo hadn't once ogled me or so much as looked down away from my eyes.
My heart leapt at him the same way a drowning swimmer would leap at a life raft; he was a much needed relief in turbulent waters. I smiled up at him brightly, grateful for the reprieve and, frankly, the normalcy. Hojo treated me the same he did every time we reconnected and, in that moment, I had needed that consistency.
"Hi Hojo!" I greeted with just as much enthusiasm as he had for me, relaxing in his presence as it became clear that unlike Koga who seemed to value me for my physical appearance, Hojo seemed to actually value me.
The low growl from my king started up for another moment before I heard a disdainful huff from him. I turned, my gaze fixating on Inuyasha, watching as his eyes flitted between Koga and Hojo. 'Odd…' I had thought at the time because… shouldn't he have been focusing on Kikyo? He had a crush on her. She was standing before him, literally trying to get him to look at her as she rolled her shoulders back, pushing out her chest and twirling a strand of silky hair between her fingers. And yet… those gold eyes that I knew every contour of weren't paying her any mind. They were assessing Koga and my Cinnabon and they had looked, dare I think… nervous.
I shook that thought from my head, sure that I was projecting or misreading the situation. Why would my king be worried over Hojo or Koga? It had made no sense to me at the time.
I turned then, catching movement out of the corner of my eye. It was Sango and Miroku, both making faces at me from the pool. Evidently, they were also worried about me spending time with Hojo and Koga.
"Did you just get here?" Hojo asked, ignoring the snort from both Koga and Inuyasha.
"Y-yeah, Inuyasha walked me over."
My sweet, sweet Cinnabon then turned to confront Inuyasha, big smile and dazzling deep sapphire eyes looking at my king like he was nothing short of humbled to be in his presence. "That is just so kind of you! I really admire how thoughtful you are with Kagome," Hojo complimented with the utmost sincerity causing Inuyasha's glare and growl to falter.
Inuyasha could be an ass, we all knew that. What Inuyasha had always forgotten to account for was that kindness could be just as effective - and lethal - as vitriol. It was a lesson I was reminded of at the pool when my gaze drifted back over to Kikyo.
I took in a deep, calming breath, and placed a hand tenderly on Inuyasha's shoulder. "He can be sweet when he wants to be."
His ears pulled back, like an angry cat, scowling at my praise of him.
"Super fucking sweet," Koga mocked. "Anyway, Kagome, how 'bout I get you a drink, hmm? Something special, for the birthday girl," He winked as he purred out the last two words, silently making me wonder if I needed to worry about him making my drink.
"Uh… sure," I murmured in response before Koga reached out and squeezed my hands in an intimate manner as if to challenge Hojo for title of alpha and claim to my body. He walked away then but not before letting his ice blue eyes sweep over my body once more.
"I think that Koga has a thing for you," Kikyo teased, grazing my upper arm with the pads of her fingers and giggling like we were friends or something as equally ridiculous.
I could see and feel the disappointment coming off of Hojo as she mentioned that. I had a sinking feeling that she had brought it up specifically to have me put distance between myself and Inuyasha, giving her more space to move in on him, but I didn't like that in doing so it was causing pain to my Cinnabon.
"He doesn't have very discerning taste," I commented lightly.
"Ah, so that means it's… one sided?" Kikyo questioned, a little less thrilled by that news.
"Of course it's one sided," Inuyasha interjected, shaking his head at the notion of such a ridiculous question. I took more delight than I should have in the small scowl that formed on Kikyo's face. I also took genuine relief in the way Hojo's smile returned.
Without thinking, my king pulled out his second box of cinnamon hearts, tearing open the corner and shaking out a few hearts.
"Wow, I didn't know you liked those!" Kikyo purred, smiling up at Inuyasha and leaning in closer toward him. "Where do you even get them? It's not Valentine's Day anymore."
Inuyasha shrugged then tilted his head toward me, "Kags gets them for me."
"Oh," Kikyo mumbled meagerly, dark eyes flickering back over to me with even more reservation and coldness than earlier.
I bit down on my lip.
I really didn't like that out of all the women in our school or grade that Inuyasha liked her. Kikyo was standoffish and I couldn't feel an ounce of warmth from her. Maybe we were both pining after the same guy but it occurred to me that she had never once tried to have a civil conversation with me.
But I wasn't here to fight with her… Like it or not… she was who Inuyasha texted and wanted to be with. I had to give her that space, right?
Hojo's laugh pulled me from my thoughts, it's sound so innocent and kind in comparison to Kikyo's tone and demeanor. "I had no idea he got them from you!" Hojo smiled, warmly looking over at me before addressing Kikyo. "Inuyasha ate them all the time in math last year."
"That's a little surprising," Kikyo muttered, her head tilting to get a better look at the box.
"What's surprising?" Koga asked, approaching with a red plastic cup in hand, my named scrawled onto it in his writing. He extended it toward me with a cheeky grin, "a birdie told me you weren't a big fan of beer, so I got you some cider instead."
Birdie? Miroku.
I had to actively resist the urge to roll my eyes though I still accepted the drink.
"I just find it surprising that Inuyasha eats those candies all the time," Kikyo commented, her gaze peeling off the box and narrowing as she perceived me again.
Couldn't she take a freaking break?!
"Why?" I asked, feeling a surge of defensiveness carry through me. What was wrong with him eating those candies?
"I've just never seen him eating them before…" She answered.
Inuyasha stood next to me, seemingly unbothered by the entire exchange, save for Koga's return as he eyed the drink, his nose twitching before relaxing incrementally. It appeared that I hadn't been the only one worried about the status of my drink. He shrugged off Kikyo's borderline insecure statement and dropped a few more candies in his mouth before briefly looking back at me, as if his habit was more akin to a thread that held us together than just a quirk of his.
Koga's previous grin contorted into a look of disgust, "I don't know how you stomach those…"
"Why's that?" Hojo interjected, "they really aren't that bad."
Go figure, the Cinnabon likes cinnamon.
Still grimacing, Koga answered, "I can't stand the things because the smell is so strong. Just cinnamon all the time! Takes hours for my sense of smell to be normal again."
I paused.
I… I had known that cinnamon was a powerful scent. After all, I'd used it on several occasions to mask gifts for Inuyasha over the years. But it had never clicked that those candies would have a similar affect. I turned to face Inuyasha, questions bubbling up in my mind. If the candy impacted him so intensely, as I expected it did because his sense of smell certainly wasn't weak, then why was he always grabbing for them?
Before I could ask, I watched him grin mischievously and pluck a few of the red hearts from the box and flick them over at Koga.
I frowned at his childish antics.
"Cut it out!" Koga growled.
"Make me," Inuyasha spat in response.
"Are you guys going to get in the water?" Sango called from the side of the pool, wearing a deadpan expression and glowering over at Inuyasha.
"Yeah, coming!" I answered, sighing and placing the drink on a nearby table without so much as taking a sip. I didn't really feel like drinking all the much. My sanity and lady bits were already hanging together by thin threads, I didn't really want my consciousness or control to be teetering near the edge too.
Despite the rocky and uncomfortable start, the party had been a lot of fun. Kikyo hung around Inuyasha a lot but after a bit it seemed that she had felt like she had put in her face time with my king and went over to be with her friends. I had appreciated that she hadn't felt the need to hang off of him throughout the whole event. Especially because…
Inuyasha had stayed by my side.
So, too, did Hojo, but he maintained a respectable distance and was friendly with everyone. Even when my king was surly with him.
I admired that. Hojo was so genuinely kind hearted. It made me wonder even more why Inuyasha had such a difficult time reciprocating even a small bit of kindness to our classmate. I didn't press it though, per the four-prong plan Sango and Miroku had developed.
I did ask him about the cinnamon hearts though.
It was dumb, I knew it was, to fixate so resolutely on the knowledge that the cinnamon hearts inhibited Inuyasha's natural senses. But I had fixated on that. Inuyasha often relied on them and constantly used them. So why then was he so quick to hamstring himself?
It was at the end of the party, while we waited for his mother to pick us up. My family had taken me out for my birthday earlier in the month but Inuyasha's mother worked odd hours and days. She had insisted that after the party she take me and my family out to celebrate.
"Yash?" I murmured, picking at the ends of the 'cover up,' while sitting on the curb outside Koga's home, music still spilling from his backyard where there were several people still partying, including Miroku.
"Hmm?" He hummed, turning to face me, expression much softer than it had been for most of the party and almost contemplative.
I chewed on my lip, pulling at the fabric in my hands, "the candies… is the… is the smell really bad? Because I-I can pick up different candies at the store next time-"
"Nope," Inuyasha answered, cutting me and my insecure ramble off before I had had enough time to fall into a full spiral. "The smell is half the reason I eat them."
I nodded slowly, brows pulling together. That seemed like a weird reason to enjoy them.
I looked up at him but noticed that he wasn't looking at me. His gaze flickered quickly away, as if he didn't want me to know he'd been looking in my direction. My frown and worry deepened.
We sat there quietly.
I couldn't help it…
"So… you and Kikyo?" I asked, nibbling a little harder on my lip and forcing myself not to look away from him.
Inuyasha still didn't look at me but his expression hardened. He didn't look pleased or comfortable with even the idea of talking about this with me. His mouth opened and closed, as if trying to speak and having the words fail to form.
I waited.
Not entirely sure if I actually wanted him to answer. A small part of me did. A small part needed to hear him say it. To hear it from him instead of everyone else. Another, still very real part of me, trembled while I waited for him to confirm that he liked her.
He didn't get the chance though. His mother pulled up and I watched his entire demeanor shift, relieved at the intrusion. Inuyasha stood quickly and extended his hand toward me. I took it, like I always had and always would. It was a small touch but I savored it. His grip was firm and unwavering as he helped me off the ground, his mother parking next to us and getting out of the car to properly greet me.
"Kagome!" She exclaimed cheerily as Inuyasha released my hand and I had to bite back a shiver at the loss of heat.
"Hi," I smiled warmly, walking over to meet her halfway. I watched her round the car and immediately noticed the way her gaze widened in surprise as I came fully into view.
"Wow," she whispered, blinking quickly, pulling me into a quick hug despite my wet bathing suit. She pulled back but not by much. I watched her cosmic eyes look me over. "You're so grown up," Izayoi stated, her hands squeezing me tenderly.
I could see the warmth in her gaze. It was the same way my mother looked at me when something reminded her that I wasn't five anymore. I knew she hadn't meant it any certain way but I self-consciously pulled at the edges of the cover-up and attempted to, well, cover up. I was suddenly hyper conscious that the reason I probably looked 'so grown up' was because I was trying to seduce her son.
"Oh," Izayoi mumbled, quickly looking over at Inuyasha then back at me, immediately connecting that her words had made me uncomfortable. I hadn't seen Inuyasha shrug behind me, nonverbally expressing that he was just as confused about my anxiety and discomfort as she was. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," She began. "Is everything alright?"
Her voice was so gentle and concerned but in so many ways it reminded me of Inuyasha too. It was steady and strong even in the face of a potential error on her part.
I felt my cheeks burn as I tilted my head down, still clutching the cover-up close to me, more than a little aware that the sheer fabric did nothing to hide the evidence of my increasing age.
"Sango picked out my outfit…" I admitted sheepishly as if that made it better that I had agreed to showing off the body I was still getting comfortable with in order to manipulate Inuyasha's affection.
I didn't like that recognition. Not one bit.
"She said that I, uh, should look more like a woman."
"Kagome," her soothing voice carried my name with a hint of cheer in it that made me think that Izayoi, like my mother, had probably wanted more kids, including, perhaps, a daughter, as she spoke. "A lot of people are going to have comments about who you are, what you look like, and what you should wear… That is part of being a woman, but, you should be who you want to be and dress in what makes you comfortable."
"Boys don't like 'comfortable' clothing…" I muttered weakly.
It came out more like a whine than I had wanted it to. Worse, I let my eyes flicker up to meet Izayoi's. Her head was tilted partially to the side, her amazing and glossy ink-colored hair swishing slightly off her shoulder as she smiled at me with a knowing look that made me feel even more silly for my actions that day. The woman looked amused. Evidently… dressing up for a man's attention wasn't a novel concept even if it had been the first time I had done so so overtly.
"That's why you took a fucking hour to get ready and then spent all day being uncomfortable?!" Inuyasha exclaimed from behind me. I couldn't see him but I could just imagine what he looked like. His voice was irate, sure, but it was also stunned and even a little dismayed and stupefied.
I nodded meekly, my heart sinking in my chest. As I worried, did-did he not find me attractive even when I tried?
"You're so stupid sometimes, I swear," he sneered.
"Inuyasha!" His mother scolded, squeezing me tightly, protectively.
"What?!" He continued, "that's dumb! If a guy only responds to what she wears then they aren't worth her time!"
He had a point…
Still… it would have been nice to have heard him tell me that I didn't need to worry because, I don't know, maybe… because I was beautiful or something…
Izayoi placed a gentle kiss on my forehead then whispered, "don't let anyone make you feel like less." I nodded as she released me and opened the car door. "Would you like to change?"
"Yes please…"
We stopped by my family's shrine before heading out to the restaurant for dinner. I heard my mother and Izayoi begin their usual gossiping in the kitchen as I walked by and up to my room. I closed the door behind me and let my head fall to the side, my gaze landing on one of my faithful sweaters. I stripped out of the clothes Sango and Miroku had picked for me, though I did put on one of the push up bras that Miroku had helped me with, and slid on my sweater. I briefly looked at myself in the mirror before meeting the others downstairs.
I swallowed quietly. I didn't have the body or confidence of Kikyo but… I felt comfortable again.
I walked out of my room, surprised to find Inuyasha standing on the landing of the stairs, waiting for me to finish. His bold amber gaze flitted over me and I waited for the insult or the chastising comment that never came.
"You look better like that," he stated calmly. "More like… you."
I shifted in my sweater, "more like a ten-year-old boy?" I had meant it as a joke but it came out flat. I was so insecure that it was bleeding out of me. I silently wondered when I had become this unstable even in the presence of my best friend, my king.
I knew the answer, even if I didn't want to acknowledge it.
Inuyasha exhaled loudly, "no. You still look like a woman, Kagome. Now, though, you don't look like you want to crawl out of your own body."
I played with my fingers in my hand then dared to meet his gaze. It sucked me in. He was being gentle and kind when he knew I needed it. My king…
I stepped forward and threw my arms around him before he could protest and pulled him tightly into me. After the surprise wore off, I felt his arms circle around my back and press me firmly into him. I buried my face into his chest like I had wanted to do all damn day then felt the gentle pressure of his head leaning against mine.
Maybe Inuyasha hadn't cared for my titty strings and maybe he hadn't really told me that he thought I was beautiful but he'd told me not to change. He'd told me to be myself because that's what he wanted.
And, really…
It's what I wanted too.
I liked us.