I wasn't naive enough to think that Kikyo would have backed down after the pool party but I was still plenty naive enough to underestimate her determination. If anything… the woman had doubled her efforts to win over my king's affection after that whole debacle with my titty strings -yes, I will continue to refer to those two tiny pieces of fabric and string as that, anyway, as I was saying... Her presence was becoming known not only by me but even to our parents. I could feel my mother's eyes flicker briefly over to me every time Inuyasha was over and pulled out his phone. I could even feel Izayoi's heated stares press against the back of my head when his claws tick-tacked across the glass screen.
I didn't fully understand why they looked at me as he did this. Maybe they were hoping I would tell them something about Kikyo, maybe he was keeping his mother in the dark about his crush on her, maybe they knew that every time he looked away from me to that damn fucking phone I felt just a little more out of control and closer to mania that I would have liked. It's hard to say really.
I didn't know what our parents thought, truthfully.
You remember our parents right? The ones who had so ridiculously dubbed Inuyasha and I 'salt and pepper' for the majority of our tender lives? The ones that had unrelentingly encouraged our dependence on each other to a borderline nauseating degree for everyone else around us? Yes, even they had realized that something was different.
That things were… wrong between Inuyasha and me. Even they could see that there was a distance growing between us.
As if my continuously and long drawn out sighs when he spent minutes staring down at his phone and even, on occasion, smiling at whatever inane dribble Kikyo was using to pull him from me wasn't enough to inform him how little I cared for his arrangement our parents were beginning to make comments.
It was annoying as all hell.
But…
If I'm honest…
More than anything it was… heart-wrenching.
Because they weren't stopping him! They smiled and whispered to each other so softly even Inuyasha's ears didn't twitch at their voices. Meaning, there was no shot in hell that I could make out what they were gossiping about to my obvious and unfettered disdain. I mean… seriously this was my king we were talking about! Couldn't they at least have let me in on the secret?!
No.
Not in a million lifetimes. Ugh.
I'd learn later why they were so careful to keep their thoughts and comments to themselves but sitting there in the sweltering heat at the beach with him, wearing - you guessed it - titty strings again because, and I can't stress this enough, my old stuff just didn't fit anymore, I didn't care for the secrecy. It was killing me… More than the unrelenting UV rays that beat down on us at the beach.
See, our families were close and we had vacationed together several times over the years. Evidently, our parents had thought that some of their rules had been a little draconian and wanted to buy our love again by agreeing to a joint vacation.
That was not the reason they had given us for wanting to go on the joint vacation but I still assumed that given that Inuyasha had literally less than zero interest in jumping me or anything of that nature that they both felt a little silly for making such a big stink out of making sure we were never alone with a bed.
I had loved the idea of going on a joint vacation originally but now…
Now I wanted to know what Inuyasha and Kikyo were talking about. I wanted to know what our mothers were whispering about. I wanted… I wanted to feel less like a sideshow or the butt of the joke and more like a real queen. The way he had made me feel before all this adolescent nonsense and crushes that were crushing my weary soul.
But I had made a vow, a silent promise.
I would not stand in the way of Inuyasha and Kikyo. Even if my innermost desire was to snatch that stupid phone from his hand, toss it into the unforgiving ocean, and suffocate him with my lips until he saw the light, which was me, of course. I wanted to be the light in his life that got the pleasure of drinking him in over and over and giving our parents an actual reason to have rules in the first place.
But no…
I would be a good queen.
A good friend.
An irate and annoyed, but still good, friend.
So, as my king pulled out his phone for the tenth time that minute to fire off some snarky response to the potential usurper, Kikyo, I sighed, resigning myself to my fate. Sango and Miroku told me over and over that she was a fad. Her reign would end. Most monarchies came and went, this was true, but none of us had a timeline. We were merely… waiting.
And in truth, it was very possible that my reign would end well before hers did. These were the things you could never really predict.
Plus, I needed something to pass the time.
Desperately.
As such, I did what every modern teenager does when they're bored; I retrieved my phone and began firing off texts as well between trying to look busy with silly games or social media. Inuyasha didn't want to talk to me? Fine. I knew a few people who did, including Hojo.
Hojo was so kind and reassuring. Like Inuyasha, he had never asked me to change. He just… he enjoyed being in my space and I his. So… I broke one of Sango's rules; I kept talking to Hojo. I had no intention of dating him but his friendship was a life raft during a storm.
And I took it.
I honestly didn't see the harm in it. We weren't dating. I wasn't mentioning him to Inuyasha. I kept my texts to him at a minimum when Inuyasha was around. Yes, at times it felt like I was some bored housewife with an affair the way I kept Hojo in my life without letting my king be privy to that but here's the thing…
With Sango and Miroku… Kikyo was the elephant in the room causing a tension that had begun to cling to the surface of every single one of our interactions. Hojo knew none of that, or, if he did, he never let it impact our conversations. When I talked with him it was a break. It was an escape. He talked to me about soccer matches and current events like which teacher was hooking up with the new assistant principal and which honors student was caught behind the movie theater with their tongue down the throat of a night-school kid. He talked to me about our old classes and his dreams for the future. His smiles acted as a balm for my melodramatic and aching hormonally charged heart. He couldn't fix me or save me in the end from my inevitable fate and that was fine.
I was a queen.
I wasn't looking for a savior. Or a knight… just to be clear.
I was looking for someone to help me stand tall as I had once before. Someone who could let me breathe for a few minutes and forget that I craved hot and sweet cinnamon-flavored kisses that I wasn't allowed to want.
Especially as my king's attention continued to be pulled from me toward another.
Not to mention… I was becoming a little bitter. Sango and Miroku had made a plan. Said plan wasn't fucking working. I kept my Cinnabon away from my king. I was trying to keep my king close. I was trying to be patient and aloof over the Kikyo thing. Sure, I still wore sweaters but I did so less often and I also wore freaking titty strings. But, here's the thing, his texting was increasing.
Their plan wasn't working and I was getting more and more upset, more and more reckless as he continued to pull away.
I wasn't sure what I could do but I knew that punishing myself by pushing Hojo away didn't seem justified given the circumstances.
Regardless, I could feel the sweat beads forming across my skin as I lounged on the beach next to Inuyasha on our joint family vacation that summer, both of us staring at our phones and an umbrella protecting my delicate and stupidly pale skin from the merciless sun. Inuyasha barely had sunscreen on and looked perfectly caramelized next to me and that only made me love and hate him more. I had a brief reprieve from our parents' stares as they had left almost an hour before to get dinner ready. Sota had gone with them because his handheld gaming device had died, leaving my king and me alone on the beach. God forbid Sota play in nature for a few minutes.
Though, as I sat, sweat pooling on my forehead and in my armpits while also collecting in that delightful little section between my boobs - because that is definitely every man's idea of sexy, women dripping with boob sweat - staring at the empty inbox on my phone, I realized that maybe I should enjoy 'nature' for a second.
The water looked nice enough as it gently rolled in and out, a steady rhythm masking the turbulence of the ocean's depths.
I turned my head, mouth open, smile turned up, ready to ask my king if he would so kindly escort me to the rolling waves when I saw the most gut-wrenching thing between the tips of his claws as his fingers moved across the screen.
His texts…
Were filled...
Filled…
With Emojis.
I never got an emoji other than the dumbass thumbs up occasionally.
I swallowed hard and immediately looked away. Well then. Inhaling slowly, I tried to let the drawn-out breath calm me down and I tried to remember my goal. I was going to be a good friend to him. I was going to be su… ssssuuupp… ugh… I was going to be supportive of his perfectly normal and not totally heinous interest in Kikyo.
I silently wondered to myself if her boobs would collect sweat like mine had… was that like a universal thing most girls experienced? Or were my boobs just awkwardly placed on my body to allow that to happen? I wasn't entirely sure.
I shook that thought away and stood up. My king might have been too preoccupied to notice that I was perspiring uncomfortably and needed to cool off but that did nothing to quell the desire to be rid of the sweat and the thought of Kikyo being flawless. I didn't really need any more reasons to compare myself with her only to end up feeling like a glorified potato. I gave him one last look, feeling even more deflated and dejected when he didn't look up from his screen. Not so much as an ear twitching in my direction. Nothing.
He was… enraptured.
And I probably smelled bad anyway, what with all that yummy sweat pooling in various spots on my body.
My thoughts drifted back to the cinnamon hearts and Koga's comments… "the smell is so strong." I stood awkwardly in front of my beach chair, rigid and facing the water, my brows pulled together before I looked down as sweat traveled down my skin. I grimaced.
"The smell is half the reason I eat them."
That's what he had said. Worse, he never ate them around Kikyo.
Oh god, I thought, tears pricking the back of my eyes as I forced my feet to move toward the ocean.
That… that had to be it, right? I… I smelled bad to my best friend…
"Hey," he called after me, finally having realized that I had left his side but a few moments too late.
I ignored his call and marched over to the water. I needed to rinse myself off. I needed to be clean and rid of my own goddam scent! I silently cursed beneath my breath. How dumb did I have to be?! To not see that Inuyasha was constantly covering up my scent with fucking cinnamon!
Grade A moron.
Which, coincidentally, was the only time I got an A in anything…
How long had I smelled bad? Why had he never said anything?! This man had no problem insulting children and yet he couldn't have told me that I needed better deodorant?!
Rude.
I walked straight into the ice-cold water, unflinching even as the waves crashed into my overheated skin. I could barely think. All I knew was that… I needed more deodorant and perfume, obviously. I would need to sneak out and get that. Maybe under the cover of night, or, really, Inuyasha was too preoccupied these days to notice so I might as well leave after dinner and raid the nearest Sephora or Macy's.
"Kags!" His irate voice carried over the crashing waves but I ignored him. I dunked my head underwater before surfacing quickly after gasping at the sheer coldness of the ocean in the middle of August. This is what we got for going to a northern beach for vacation but, hey, the houses were cheaper and the sun just as bright. Plus, I wasn't sweating anymore so, small victories.
"What?" I finally called back, pushing my drenched hair out of my face and turning toward him, feeling quenched but still thirsty for a certain teenage boy and simultaneously dejected by said boy.
For someone part dog demon he really wasn't the biggest fan of the water. It was strange. Inuyasha stood at the edge of the shore, a scowl present before he started blinking rapidly at me, his irritation replaced briefly with something in the neighborhood of surprise while also looking a little dismayed, stammering like the sun had baked his brain past the point of cognizance.
"What?" I repeated, placing my hands on my hips and staring at him.
He glared back at me, ears pressing flat against his head as he lifted his phone up, showing off a text from his mother. "Dinner's ready."
Awesome-sauce.
Sure, maybe hoping for a Shakespearean confession of eternal love from Inuyasha was a bit much but by the intensity of his scowl and his ridiculous stuttering a moment prior I would have thought that he had something else to say.
I responded by giving him a thumbs up.
I wasn't bitter.
As we walked up to the house that our families had rented, my mother poked her head out looking for us. She smiled warmly as we approached. Inuyasha was texting again, so I walked ahead of him, letting him lag behind and trying not to show how fucking irritated I was that his attention was endlessly on someone else and not his queen. As I got closer, my mother's warm smile looked slightly more forced and concerned than I was used to. Before I had the chance to ask her what was wrong, she spoke.
"Dear," she began in that overly thick and sweet voice mothers get when trying to gently inform their children of an uncomfortable tidbit, which should have tipped me off but I just found to be grating. "Why don't you go upstairs and change before dinner?"
"Why?" I asked, genuinely confused and a little curtly. Yeah, I was a little wet from my cleansing splash but it looked like we were eating outside anyway. The lawn chairs would dry, so what was wrong with staying in my swimsuit? Inuyasha was still in his swim trunks and he wasn't being asked to change…
My mother leaned in toward me, almost certainly forgetting that Inuyasha's hearing was phenomenal, especially when he was only two feet behind me. "Because, darling, you look a little… cold."
I didn't understand. Not immediately. My head tilted to the side as Inuyasha came and stood beside me having finally caught up. I, stupidly, looked at him for the briefest of seconds - he was still texting though his cheeks were slightly tinged pink which was new and odd - before looking back at my mother who was not so subtly shifting her gaze quickly from my eyes downward, back and forth, up and down, trying to signal me.
"I feel fin-" I began before following her gaze and immediately shutting my mouth.
Cold water.
Paper-thin bikini.
Inuyasha sputtering at the beach suddenly made embarrassingly more sense to me.
My cheeks burned and I elegantly slithered by my mother before slapping my hands over my boobs to hold them down and running to my bedroom. I closed the door quickly and leaned back against it, sighing loudly and letting my head lean against the wood. I felt… uncomfortable again.
I was so confused.
I both wanted Inuyasha to see me sexually and didn't.
I both wanted to be a grown woman and didn't.
Regardless, his stammering nonsense at the beach was not a great response to physical reactions I could not control. I suddenly felt like I had been too harsh in judging my body when it was a goddam bean. I should have appreciated the simplicity of a body that wasn't optimized for childbearing instead of being self-conscious over not having things to advertise.
"Kagome! Hurry up!" My brother yelled up the stairs.
I closed my eyes. I didn't want to be there anymore. I hadn't realized it before but... I wanted to be home. In my bed, cradling my pillows, and watching garbage T.V. until I stopped caring that I now had to remember that men and others would notice when I was cold if I didn't have proper padding or whatever.
I rolled my eyes and pushed myself off the door. I exchanged titty strings for a real bra and tossed a sweater on because I would not get cold again. Damn Sango and Miroku's stupid plan. I refused. I also slid on some dry panties and shorts, slipping my phone into my pocket and feeling it vibrate as I made my way out to the back porch where everyone was gathered for dinner.
My mother nodded gently as I came out and patted the seat nearest her. I know she meant it to be comforting and kind, I know it was supposed to be her support and love offering me shelter but it had felt so demeaning at the time. I was growing up. I shouldn't have needed that coddling or protection.
I should have known that with age came more responsibility but I forgot it at every bend.
Still, I plopped down next to her, keeping my eyes low and pretending that my cheeks weren't on fire.
"I love the way your hair falls after it's been wet," Izayoi cooed, leaning toward me from across the table, her dark eyes sparkling with warmth and adoration. "You take after your mother with those gorgeous waves."
I nodded and quietly thanked her for the compliment. That too felt… forced. They were trying to make me feel comfortable and give me back my confidence. No doubt, especially after what happened when Izayoi picked me up from Koga's earlier that summer, each could see that I was struggling to adjust.
A silence nestled between us all. I started to nibble on my bottom lip subconsciously when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I pulled it out and felt a little reassured when I saw Hojo's name flash across the screen. My nipple debacle was just another thing he didn't know about and one I didn't have to explain. I was just Kagome Higurashi, a friend, and classmate, as I replied to his messages.
As I let Hojo's virtual company offer me a brief reprieve again, I failed to notice the way my king's mood soured. I didn't notice that he barely touched his food. He, the guy who scarfed down five bowls of ramen and could bankrupt a buffet, had only had a few bites, just pushing his food around as gold eyes flickered over to me and watching my hands tip-tap across a glass screen.
I did notice the way his leg bounced incessantly, rocking the table occasionally when he leaned too far forward.
My phone continued to buzz throughout dinner. Izayoi and my mother began a happy and light-hearted conversation amongst themselves over some mutual friend they had who apparently had a baby and my brother pulled out his now fully charged gaming device to show Inuyasha all the progress he'd made. I was the odd one out, or that's how I had felt. So I just… kept texting Hojo back… I sprinkled in some messages to Sango and Miroku too.
"Kagome," my mother began, shifting topics and looking over at me at the same time Izayoi did. "What was that place we went to that had excellent Korean barbeque?"
"Uh-" My thought was immediately interrupted by another buzz from my pocket. I ignored it for a moment, trying instead to recall the name of the restaurant. "I think it was-" Another buzz. I looked down at my phone then back at my mother. "Um, Seoul Food, was it?"
"Yes!" She exclaimed before turning back to Izayoi and raving about the food.
I smiled weakly then reached for my fork as another text came through.
"Aren't you going to get that?" Inuyasha sneered, looking up from Sota's game and glaring at me.
He looked… annoyed.
At what, I didn't fully understand. Like, really, was my texting bothering you that much?
"Not right now," I replied, letting my gaze fall back so I could see the food I was attempting to capture and swallow and satiate my growling stomach.
"Are you sure? Koga probably misses you…"
I glared back at him. Hard. It wasn't really what he said so much as how he said it. It was taunting and mocking. He had spoken in the same way you might expect a bully taking someone's glasses and holding them above their head to speak as they lowered the glasses but kept them just high enough to stay out of reach. I didn't care for it. This wasn't a cruel game of keep-away and I wasn't someone to be played with.
"It's not Koga, it's Hojo," I snapped, uncaringly. That was until I watched my king's face fall. The mocking scowl and teasing glare disappeared before my eyes. What was left behind was much worse: a void. He became expressionless and just turned away from me, refocusing on Sota and his dumb game that he'd already beaten nine times and already showed Inuyasha twelve times.
My heart raced and I felt the regret instantly force a chill down my spine. Sango's words were in my ears. She had told me not to mention Hojo around Inuyasha. She had warned me… it was a violation of the plan and for the first time I saw why.
For the first time, I understood.
It was because… He wouldn't fight me on Hojo. At least… not in the same way. Koga? Koga was a wolf. A predator and an effective one at that. Koga, he would criticize all day but Hojo? Sweet, innocent, Cinnabon Hojo? He gave my king a cavity. He shut my king right up.
I chewed on the inside of my cheek, staring blankly at the unanswered messages on my phone. I'd messed up… and I knew it.
I just didn't know how to fix it.
I still thought that the plan as a whole wasn't working as intended but that didn't mean that certain parts of it lacked merit. The Hojo aspect seemed as if it had been spot on.
Izayoi didn't seem to notice or mind our public tiff though. She immediately chimed in afterward, "you've been on your phone all day, Inuyasha. So much so that you have barely participated in this vacation with the rest of us. What's the problem if Kagome spends some time talking to a friend?"
She placed a strange emphasis on the word 'friend.' It almost came out as a reminder. My mother would use that same tone to tell me to take out the trash on Tuesdays. I had never heard that tone used to describe a 'friend' before.
Inuyasha scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest, that mocking tone from earlier making another appearance as he spoke. "He's not a friend. Kags has a crush on him."
His voice was hard. Not friendly jesting but was laced with vitriol. I furrowed my brows in confusion before rolling my eyes. "I do not," I hissed. "He's nice to me. What's so wrong with having a nice friend?"
"Oh but he's cute, remember?" Inuyasha's mocking tone continued, his amber gaze locking with mine the same way two pro-fighters might lock eyes before a match.
I could feel the frustration bubbling inside me. What did it matter if Cinnabon was cute when I wanted to fucking burn under the heat of Inuyasha's gaze until I died just to rise from the ashes like a Phoenix and burn again? What did it matter if Hojo was nice when all I wanted was someone that would make me feel alive and wanted and not merely provide a balm that kept me from falling apart completely? But Inuyasha didn't seem to understand that. He didn't understand that I craved him in a way that would never cease naturally. He didn't grasp that it was painful to watch him send something as trivial as a goddam smiley face to someone else when all I got was sputtering nonsense and scowls anytime any evidence of my sexuality was made known or a fucking thumbs up when I was trying to be cute over texts and remind him that his queen loved him with the intensity of a thousand of those damn suns that made my stupid, potato boobs sweat.
"Yeah his face isn't terrible to look at when I'm talking to him in person, so what? Why does that matter?! He'll make someone else very happy one day!" It came out bitter. All my words, spoken with jagged edges that pulled apart the tranquility I missed so desperately.
I was so frustrated and even a little hurt that I could feel tears brimming my eye line. I sat back in a huff, no longer interested in finishing my dinner. I felt guilty for having mentioned Hojo at all and I also felt like I was being unjustly attacked.
I let my gaze wander and found my mother and Izayoi looking at each other, gentle dips of their chins and minuscule smiles dancing on their lips as if they approved that Inuyasha was upset over my texting Hojo and that I had no interest in actually dating Hojo. It was strange but I didn't have the energy to tell them they looked like sociopaths with those expressions.
A silence descended around us again, though this one was far less comfortable than the initial one.
"Ugh, there are too many hormones at this table!" My brother suddenly proclaimed, causing everyone to face him and my cheeks to flush. "Can we just play games and stuff like normal?!"
"I think that is a great idea," my mother chimed in, sitting up taller before nodding toward Izayoi in their secret little language that was pissing me off.
We all participated in the games that took place only a few minutes after we'd finished our dinners. It may have alleviated the tension in the air but it did nothing to remedy the tenseness between Inuyasha and me. He barely acknowledged me during the games, instead, sitting close to his mother and curtailing any attempt I made at a conversation with him.
The joint vacation was going terribly.
And I hated that so much. I loved Inuyasha so much and these ridiculous fights were so painful. Some of my favorite memories were our joint vacations and for the first time I began to understand that… these times might be coming to an end. It was a chilling thought to realize that next time our families got together… Inuyasha might not be single. Maybe, and this sickened me to my very core, next time he would ask to bring a girlfriend to the beach house with us. Worse still, maybe… maybe we would never even have one of these trips again.
I had thought that my body was the biggest change I had to grapple with, instead, it was the other things that came with getting older. It was relationships with other people. It was commitments that might hinder what had held our relationship together for so long. I had near snorted when Sota had asked to play games like 'normal' but that evening as I walked away from the boxes of games and toward my room, I couldn't help but think that Sota had been the most intuitive out of all of us.
It stuck with me for hours.
Haunting me and keeping sleep from me as I tossed and turned.
I felt like I had already lost so much… I didn't want to lose more. I didn't want more to change.
So… I broke another rule.
Not one of Sango's… but one of our parents'.
Long after the house went quiet, I tiptoed out of my room and down the hall to the room Inuyasha had claimed. I just… I needed to see him. I needed my king.
My heart raced and ached as I did so. I had no idea I could miss someone so much when they were merely down the hall but I did. I quietly turned the knob to his room and tiptoed inside. He would surely hear me and wake up but the point was that the rest of the house wouldn't.
It was pitch black. I was blind as a goddam bat. My arms outstretched in front of me in a truly ludicrous display of blindness as I leaned over and began lightly bumping things to try and find the freaking bed.
"Kags?" He murmured. His voice was like a bourbon-soaked rasp and I instantly felt woozy. "What the hell?"
I kid you not, it took all my willpower not to smash faces with him right then and there. I made a mental note to wake him up again and have my phone already recording just so I could replay that sound over and over in my fantasies.
Instead of telling him that, I rolled my eyes and swatted at him on the bed once I found him.
"What?" He groaned, sitting up and shifting over as I wanted.
I sat on the edge of the bed near him, my eyes had finally adjusted to the darkness, staring at him. It did nothing for my bleeding heart to see him like this because even half awake, using a curled hand to wipe away sleep, he looked like my whole future. "Move over more," I directed, patting his hip.
He grumbled something nonsensical but moved over anyway.
"What are you doing here?" He murmured.
"This is the first family vacation that we've had where we haven't slept in the same room," I mumbled in response, my eyes wide and sad as I looked back at him. I missed those nights. We wouldn't sleep until the sun began to peek over the horizon. At every past vacation, we stayed in the same room. We would camp out all night under a single comforter doing absolutely nothing, whispering to each other and trying to stifle our laughs so that no one heard us. Though it always came with two beds, only one bed ever got used and our parents had never minded. It was obvious in the morning when they came to get us for breakfast and found us both together. It was cute when two nine-year-olds felt so comfortable and had so much innocent fun together that they always ended up passed out in the same bed.
Not quite as cute if two teenagers did so, which seemed to be exactly what was on his mind that night. "We're going to get in trouble," was his weak and predictable response.
I frowned, I wasn't sure if he could see it or not but I did. "What's the big deal?" I squeaked, "we literally slept side by side last Friday…"
Inuyasha exhaled loudly and ran a clawed hand through his bangs.
I shifted uncomfortably and awkwardly next to him while chewing on my lip, those feelings of dejection and anxiety festering within me again. It hadn't crossed my mind that my actions would have been unreciprocated. It hadn't even been a thought I had entertained that even though I missed the past and didn't like the direction we were going in that maybe he… maybe Inuyasha didn't have a problem with it at all…
Maybe he even wanted the space…
A pit formed in my stomach as I realized how truly dumb I was. I… I was making him uncomfortable.
I stood abruptly. "I-I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable," I muttered, trying not to let my voice crack under all the emotions poisoning me. I flashed him a weak smile, just in case he could see I didn't want him to think I was upset, even though I was. I felt like I had a frog in my throat making it hard to breathe and the backs of my eyes were already beginning to ache in anticipation of the tears.
When the rules were instituted almost a year earlier we had both been upset. Standing and moving away from him then, I felt totally isolated and alone. I stood on an island that no one, not even my king, wanted to inhabit with me.
It made me wonder…
Since when was my presence not wanted?
Since Kikyo.
His fingers wrapped around my wrist quickly and firmly, stopping me in my tracks. I swallowed hard. His touch burned through my skin and sent tingles up my arm that I had to ignore. I slowly turned to face him.
"Kags," he whispered, "I'm not uncomfortable. But you… you reek of anxiety. All the time." He didn't sound like bourbon then. Inuyasha sounded sad, just like I felt.
I closed my eyes and looked away. I didn't know what to say to that.
His grip loosened a little as if he was worried he had been using too much force. "I-I don't know what… what to do…" He continued. "I don't understand why… you're so uncomfortable around me."
I whipped my head around and stared at him. I wanted to push back and tell him that that was insane! Then I remembered. I remembered the last time I had been anxious, really anxious. He had come for me and I had shut him out. I had walked away from him.
It wasn't him I was uncomfortable with. It was… my own feelings. My own desire for him made me want things I never wanted before, things that ruined friendships.
But he needed reassurance from me. I needed to tell him something that would put him at ease. I walked back over to him and then dove onto my best friend, wrapping my arms around him tightly and whispering into his pillow, "Yash, you have never made me uncomfortable."
A voice in the back of my head offered an unwelcome thought, as I pulled him closer to me, desperate for my best friend, the salt to my pepper, my king, to know that I was happiest and the most comfortable with him.
The thought that the voice offered scared me…
That I should tell Inuyasha… I should… tell him that I liked him… how I felt about him.
It was a terrifying thought because even though I thought I knew him best… I really had no idea how he would react to such news. It felt like such a slim chance that he would welcome that information. It seemed highly more probable that he wouldn't know what to do with it or tell me to just stop liking him.
A meaner thought entered my brain immediately after.
If he liked me… he wouldn't be texting Kikyo.
I pushed myself up and looked into his molten gaze one more time, a solemn smile marring my face.
His fingers traced down my arm and I could see in his expression he knew I was about to leave. Problem was… I couldn't understand his. It looked pained but not in a way I was familiar with. Miroku sometimes looked like that when he was choosing not to speak. I didn't like that expression on Inuyasha. My king was blunt and abrasive, honest to a fault.
He did not hold things in.
Until then.
I stood and left.
The rules had changed.
I had changed.
The context of our friendship had changed.
I had caught feelings for my best friend and he had caught feelings for another. I was pathetically trying to keep a tight grip on him because I wanted all his attention and affection. It wasn't fair to him.
That evening I lay down in my temporary bed, in my temporary room, all by myself, remembering the way his lips had felt against mine for that one fleeting moment and wishing to feel it again. I didn't want to let go. I wasn't really sure I had a choice in the matter though.
The next morning I was up on time, lazily stirring my already stirred tea as our mothers and my brother prattled about. Sota, truthfully, was in the living room playing video games. I sat with our mothers in the kitchen in abject silence, watching the liquid in my cup spin round and round, encouraged by the consistent motions with the spoon. Inuyasha was… late.
He wasn't awake. That was… abnormal for him. Very. He always had energy to burn. So he was either oddly tired from his day of texting with Kikyo or… possibly avoiding me after I had basically accosted him in his bed the night prior.
Great.
I brought my gaze over to our mothers and watched their eyes shift away suddenly.
I let my gaze fall to examine my tea again before, not even a second later, I felt their stares on me again but when I looked up I merely saw their eyes move. I frowned and held my gaze, waiting to catch one of them.
My mother broke first.
"What is it?" I asked grumpily, dropping the spoon in my mug.
"Would you like to go shopping?" She offered, cheerily as if she hadn't just been caught trying to sneak weird glances at her daughter.
I was confused and looked it. If that was all she had wanted to ask, what was with all the secrecy?
"No thanks," I murmured. I wasn't really in the mood to rifle through poorly fitted clothing in beach-themed retail stores only to be reminded that I was in the middle of a transition and that everything would probably look or feel weird draped on my lumpy body.
"But, Kagome," my mother continued, gently placing her own cup of tea down on the table and giving me those big eyes that are meant to be understanding and compassionate but felt very intrusive when all I wanted to do was curl up in a human ball and whither away. "You haven't been wearing many of your old clothes and the school year is coming up again… You should have some nice things that you enjoy wearing. Things that make you feel happy and confident."
My frown increased. She was trying to be delicate again. Really, what my mother was saying was that she had noticed that I wore the same three sweaters day in and day out. She had noticed that only two pairs of pants fit over my new hips. My mother, bless her heart, wasn't so much offering to take me shopping as telling me that if my clothes didn't fit we needed to get me new ones.
She was sounding more and more like Sango every minute… Next thing I knew she would be telling me that everything needed to be tight or barely there.
"But the boys-" I tried, attempting to deflect.
As if anticipating my objection, Izayoi patted me on the shoulder, her eyes dark and mischievous… almost plotting. They reminded me a little too much of Miroku at that moment, the way she grinned at me and told me not to worry about Sota or Inuyasha, that she would watch them. "He's been sleeping in a lot lately and probably won't be up for a while," she stated calmly. "Plus… you and your mother should enjoy some quality time together."
I didn't really know why but I nodded in agreement, acquiescing to their plan, but I did. I also didn't know whether to believe her about Inuyasha's sleeping habits but I also didn't really have that much room - or reason - to challenge her on it.
"Great," my mother clapped her hands together gleefully. "It's settled then."
"Great," I hummed back, picking up my tea and taking a sip.
The pads of my fingers ran over the different articles of clothing, my eyes scanning each one and my head tilting to the side. The beauty and the curse of finally getting a womanly figure were that… everything looked so freaking cute. Suddenly styles I had never tried or even fathomed worked with my body. It was exciting.
It was also exhausting.
I had no idea what my style was. And everything looked fun.
My mom had taken me into town and while I had been nervous at first - you never know what stores these beach towns have - we had ended up at outlets for a lot of stores I recognized and usually loved. It was a good move on her part.
Still, I pulled at a summer dress, the corners of my lips turning upward. I liked it. I plucked it from the wrack, moving leisurely through the store. My mother came up next to me and hummed her approval of the things I had perched over my arm. "Would you like me to carry some things?" She asked gently.
"No thanks," I beamed. I liked seeing what I had in hand and pairing it with new additions.
I hated myself a little though… every time I picked something new out I wondered what Inuyasha would think, how he would perceive me. Not that it mattered… but… I still thought it.
"So," my mother began, in that tone that was meant to land near casual but was usually just shy of awkward. "Sango and Miroku… they would make a cute couple no?"
I snorted. Like… not a pretty little thing either, one that would make pigs jealous type of snort, as I turned to face my mother. "Sure, maybe on planet crazy they would."
My mother nodded politely but her eyes were filled with uncertainty and disbelief. She was unconvinced then. "Why do you think that?" She asked me. "Is it… is it wrong for friends to become more?"
My cheeks burned and I'm sure a tell-tale pink became painted across them to match. I had a sudden inkling that my mother wasn't really all that interested in Sango and Miroku dating but was trying to get at a different set of friends.
"You know, I was friends with your father before we started dating. Izayoi, similarly, with Toga. Friends then… more."
I paused my shuffling through the clothes and shifting my weight in my feet. Yeah, no way was my mother still referring to Sango and Miroku. I wish I could tell you that I responded easily and with grace, instead I stuttered and stammered like the embarrassed child I was.
"Wh-what?! No! There's nothing wrong with loving your friend," I swallowed thickly, my tone far more defensive than it needed to be and almost certainly a dead giveaway to any parent. It was a trick. It had to be.
It was.
But my mother kept up the charade.
"Sango and Miroku are close, are they not?" She continued, plucking a beautiful dress from the wrack and placing it in my arms.
"They are…"
"They hang out often when you and Inuyasha are together, right?"
"Yes…"
"So… what's wrong with them developing feelings?" The way she asked it was so innocuous and so hopeful. It made me nauseous because it was a question that circled my brain endlessly as I fantasized about holding Inuyasha's hand in public or… no it was mostly that and kissing him again. I had no idea what real couples did. I'd never been in a relationship before. That was new territory I hadn't totally let my mind wander into yet.
"They could implode," I answered quickly, turning away from her. It was a hurried statement but it was honest. I hated everything about the situation I found myself in but… I was weighing the options. Nothing… nothing was worth losing him. Even the concept of him not being in my life brought heat to my face and made me feel panicked.
I couldn't lose him.
I didn't want to… no matter how much it felt like he was slipping from me it was better than what would happen if… if I let my delusions convince me that being honest was the best alternative.
My mother frowned at my answer, clearly not seeing the situation the same as I did. "Implode?"
"Yes," I near snapped, my heart racing and fear clouding my judgment. "If it… if they don't work… it would ruin everything. Plus, who's to say they even see each other like that?!"
She nodded slowly, digesting the information I gave her before pushing back, "but… what if they… did like each other and what if… it worked?" Ever the optimist she was.
"It would be weird, even if it did work," I countered, chewing on my cheek and turning farther away from her, gripping the clothes in my hand tightly.
My mother though, she would not be swayed by my tumultuous emotions or my petty fear. She nodded slowly, unconvinced.
I continued, speaking quickly, just shy of word vomiting all over her, "they've known each other for so long and seen so many things… And-and for the rest of the group, for us it would be strange. I mean, Sango is already all over Kuranosuke and Miroku isn't exactly shy so…" I paused, swallowing back the anxiety and taking a step away from her, "lunches would devolve quickly. It would… it would break us apart…"
I didn't see it, the frown, so concerned, so… disappointed in my words that my mother near recoiled at them. Since when had I become so cowardly? She had raised a strong woman, one who loved and loved openly because any moment… could be the last. And yet… there I stood, telling her that my love for my king… that my insecurities and my fear trumped that. I'm happy I wasn't able to see her expression then, to see how pained my own words had made her.
She had taught me to love and love fully, unabashedly. She had felt that it was the only way to live after…
"Do you… really think that that… is what would happen?" My mother murmured.
She didn't believe me.
She hadn't been blinded by the fear.
But I had been. So I nodded while gripping a shirt too tightly. "How would that not be the result?" I had asked. Because I couldn't see it… I couldn't see a situation where this would not end in utter despair. All I saw was… those lips I treasured, that heart that I valued above all else, being given to another, that final string tethering me to my king breaking apart under the heavy implications of my own unyielding adoration for him.
I hated it.
It made me positively sick.
I could practically feel my mother's disapproving sigh. But I was a teenager. I thought I knew better. I thought I understood, even if I didn't. My mother sounded upset and sad because she had realized then that this was a lesson I would have to learn on my own. This was a pain I would have to go through.
She had wanted to protect me, as any mother might, but she couldn't shield me from myself.
We returned to the house a couple hours later, bags hanging off of our arms. My mother pushed open the door and greeted everyone warmly, with me trailing behind. I walked in, arms heavy with clothes that actually fit, my head turning and gaze immediately landing on Izayoi, Inuyasha, and Sota all playing video games together in the living room.
It made my heart ache. They were each laughing, nothing short of euphoria written across their faces. I watched silently as Izayoi turned briefly to say hi, while my brother and my king each simply tossed greetings our way without so much as taking their eyes off the game. I quietly entered, watching the way Inuyasha, Sota, and Izayoi each interacted, a heaviness settling over me.
My shoulders slumped and the bags slid down my arms, landing silently on the floor. I didn't notice how despondent I looked to my mother as she paused next to me, all I could focus on was how… how banal the situation looked from the outside. It was something I had taken for granted.
How my family… was his family.
I wasn't just his friend or his best friend. No wonder the thought of my budding sexuality made him nervous, I was his sister. As my eyes flickered over him and Sota, the way they each leaned forward and looked at each other between the screens, the smiles that decorated their faces, the joy that radiated off each of them, I thought that there was no way I could jeopardize that.
Not for my king.
I couldn't ruin this for him.
No.
As I turned, eyes downcast and body moving to walk away, feeling heavy and doomed, Izayoi had looked over toward me. I didn't see the way her smile fell and her head tilted. Or the way her eyes lit up, an idea forming as she placed the controller on the ground and stood.
"Kagome!" She exclaimed, smiling from ear to ear. "Do you want to show us what you got?"
I shook my head. No… I didn't. Inuyasha and my brother wouldn't care. They had barely so much as acknowledged my return.
I was the sister. That was all.
I didn't see it but I heard Izayoi swat her son on the head as I moved toward the staircase, intending to take my new clothes upstairs and hide them away. I also heard Inuyasha's irate "ow" as he undeniably turned toward his mother with that confused and annoyed expression that I wanted to see until the world went black.
"Nonsense!" My mother exclaimed, reaching out and placing a hand on my shoulder, stopping my ascent toward my temporary room. "You looked so beautiful in the store, why not show Izayoi?"
God, she was pulling the guilt card. It was subtle… to anyone other than my mother's children they may not have picked up on the shift in her tone but I heard it. Izayoi stood in the middle of the living room, surrounded by two boys playing a fighting game, neither of whom had combed their fucking hair and both of whom probably forgot to shower or put on deodorant or something that boys felt was unnecessary, looking up at me with big, hopeful eyes.
Family.
A weak smile formed as I slowly began to descend down the stairs. Inuyasha hadn't merely inherited a brother but Izayoi had earned a daughter.
"You don't have to wear it all," Izayoi began, stepping forward but not before flicking her son in the back of the head, her smile so genuine and warm it made my chest swell. "Just show me your favorite."
I swallowed thickly, how could I really resist her? Still… my eyes fell back toward the boys and my small smile fell into a fraction of a frown. They wouldn't care. They wouldn't understand. Inuyasha was taller sure but… mostly the same. It made me pause.
He'd asked me why I was so uncomfortable around him. My feelings for him didn't help the matter but it was also all the things about me that were changing that were out of my control. Whereas he… he seemed the same. Yeah, his voice was getting deeper and what not but… his ears were still his ears, his hips were still his hips, he grew a few inches but the shape of his body hadn't morphed. He still fit into most of his clothes.
And we weren't even talking like… period shit.
I'd never wanted a sister more in my life.
I missed Sango.
My mother, my oh so perceptive mother, stepped toward me, placing a hand on my shoulder. She seemed to have been able to just sense my emotions that day. "Come on," she encouraged, "why don't you put a few things on, and Izayoi and I will take some photos and send them to Sango too? I'm sure she'd love to see them as well."
My gaze flickered up toward my mother, my cheeks burning. I nodded gently, my arms coming together in front of me shyly as I held the bags, a timid smile returning. "Okay," I murmured, walking toward the kitchen.
My mother nodded, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and squeezing. "And maybe…" she continued, "you can speak to Sango about what we talked about earlier."
Ugh.
I bit down on my lip.
There was no way she was referring to anything other than that awkward conversation in the store about friends becoming lovers. Seriously, what were the chances she was referring to our conversation about how unnecessary a toaster was? We have toaster ovens now people and they are far superior.
Anyway…
My face turned beet red as I walked toward the bathroom with my bags of new clothes. I had a nagging feeling that my mother was not ready to throw in the towel just yet. She still had hope for me and Inuyasha.
Because, unlike my ignorant ass, she noticed the way his ears perked up the moment she mentioned having a conversation with Sango about something secretive. She had noticed the way he pulled his eyes off the game he and Sota were playing to sneak a glance at me in his periphery as the women all congregated in the kitchen.
I pulled on my favorite dress first. It was simple and modest. It covered me and kept things secure. I felt… pretty in it.
Which, I know, sounds weird to feel so emotional over but it provided me a comfort I had been lacking. It fit me well. It sloped over my curves, showed others that I was a woman without exposing me. I didn't feel like a sausage stuffed in a casing that was too tight and I didn't feel out of place. As I looked at myself through the bathroom mirror I… I felt like myself.
Sure, I didn't really know this Kagome very well yet but I was beginning to feel better in my skin.
So I stepped out of that bathroom confidently, with a broad smile, and showed my mother and Izayoi the dress I had picked out. I didn't notice the way Inuyasha turned to get a glance, causing his character to take a direct hit and costing him that round with Sota but I did see the pride and joy in our mothers' eyes as they encouraged me.
"This is my favorite," I murmured shyly.
"You look amazing," Izayoi responded. "May I see more?"
I mean… how could I say no?!
I nodded meekly, turning on my heel and racing back to the bathroom actually feeling excited to show her my next outfit. I pulled on another fun one that I had twirled around in back at the store and strode out toward my mother and Izayoi. I was too focused on our parents' to see that Inuyasha's losing streak wasn't an anomaly. Every time I walked out with a new outfit, letting our mothers make me feel happy and confident in my new skin, his score plummeted. I didn't see his ears swivel toward my direction or the blush that singed his cheeks every time I opened the door, revealing the next thing that made me begin to see that being a woman and not a bean could be fun.
In the end, as I walked out in my ratty sweater with a smile so bright it nearly blinded me, my mother handed me back my phone. She had borrowed it to take photos and send to Sango. Sango who texted back a million heart emojis and profusely exclaimed her adoration for my new clothes.
Though… her last message had me pausing.
[What does Inuyasha think?]
I exhaled loudly as I walked the clothes back to my room, fingers tapping across the screen.
[He couldn't care less.]
But really… I wasn't all that interested in talking to her about that. I had… another question on my mind…
[Sango… did you ever have a crush on Miroku?]
I nibbled nervously on my bottom lip, watching the bubble pop up and disappear before popping up again. The time it took for Sango to respond already had me on edge but her response nearly knocked me off my feet entirely.
[Yeah, I had a crush on him in middle school.]
That surprised me. Not that she had liked Miroku but that… I had known her since middle school. That's where we had met and yet I had never known about this. Why had she never told me?
Her earlier message was quickly followed up by another.
[It was a middle school crush, nothing big.]
[Are you sure?]
I typed back, waiting anxiously for her response.
[Yes. Middle school crushes are fun but I was young and dumb and didn't realize that my own feelings were stupid.]
I came down the stairs nearly colliding with Inuyasha as I jumped off the last step, barely paying attention to where I was going. I gasped lightly, placing my hands on his chest to steady myself and blushing before apologizing repeatedly.
He glowered down at me, a single brow rising in question. "What are you doing?"
"Uh…"
Texting Sango about her fleeting affection for our friend that I didn't know about until five seconds ago while also pondering how my feelings might compare creating a mini-existential crisis out of nothing because that's all my dumb brain can seem to do these days. That would have been the honest answer…
"Just… coming downstairs. I put my clothes away."
Okay, so it wasn't a lie but it wasn't the whole truth.
He stood there, unmoving. I closed the screen to my phone and slid it into my pocket, waiting for him to say something else or more or… I don't know something.
Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Wanna go to the beach now?"
"Sure!" My enthusiasm caught him off guard but I didn't wait for him to comment. I ran back up the stairs, stuck my tongue out at the titty strings laying discarded on the floor, and pulled out my new swimsuit.
Twenty minutes later, Inuyasha and I were lounging on the beach. Me under the umbrella, with my new green bikini that did not constantly threaten to let the twins loose in the wild and would also not tip-off anyone if I got cold, as Inuyasha reclined in the sun unafraid of a little color.
I let myself look at him and thought about how Sango had described her crush on Miroku. Essentially, she had described it as fleeting and temporary, expressing that her feelings weren't genuine but superficial. I didn't know how much of that was true but I did know that we were barely older than middle schoolers and yet it felt so different. I bit down on my lip.
I didn't think my feelings were fleeting. They felt so… powerful. Overwhelmingly so. But I had been wrong before.
Turning away from Inuyasha, I sighed openly. I already felt like I was losing my best friend. Telling him that I thought about kissing him and dating him would undeniably change our dynamic and, probably, not for the best. Recognizing that, I couldn't help but think that if I wasn't going to act on my feelings - and I wasn't, I was pretty sure, maybe… - it was arrogant and selfish for me to hope that his feelings for Kikyo would die a quick death.
I didn't like acknowledging that Kikyo would likely be his first for a lot of things that I couldn't share with him after all Inuyasha and I had done together but it wasn't like he and I could realistically share firsts in everything right? I mean… could you even imagine me and him sharing like… intimate stuff?
…
Fuck.
Nope.
No.
We are not going there...
Ugh.
Anyway…
I turned back to face him. He looked over at me as I did so, his brows furrowing at the look of determination I had on my face. "Tell me about you and Kikyo."