"Just answer it," I blurted, still trying to compose myself, surprising both of us with my rushed statement.
"Uh," he stammered, five different emotions flashing across his face in rapid succession before I could make out a single one. "Why?…"
"Because," I replied weakly and sighing heavily, a hand picking at the split ends in my hair, "Hojo told her you'd call… and you haven't…"
He looked down at his phone, then over at me, "so?…"
Like really? Did he not get it?! Kikyo was not a woman to just lie down. Had he not seen the fury in her eyes? Dense. My king was dense.
I loved him so much…
"So," I continued. "She's going to keep calling…" I guessed, pointing at the screen on his phone as it faded to black. We both waited, watching his phone and sure enough, I was right because of course I was. Her name flashed across the screen again. I watched his shoulders slump before he ran a hand through his bangs and hair, turning away from me as he answered her second call.
I chewed, not nibbled or like seductively bit, but chewed on my lip as he spoke into the phone. Inuyasha refused to look at me as he talked to her in a hush, and, really, I didn't mind it that much. Her call felt like being dropped into the arctic after coming out of a hot tub. It was jarring and my mind was sputtering as it tried to desperately cling to what was real.
One moment I was living in a dream, completely caught up in him and us, and the next I was dropped on my ass, the hard ground reminding me what stability actually felt like. And it was terrifying to realize that… I didn't like it…
I-I didn't want to be stable anymore.
I wanted to fall.
With him.
Again and again.
But what was real? Was it his relationship with Kikyo or was it the way he had held me so much closer than he'd ever held her?
I hadn't the faintest idea.
Other than the movement toward the house that caught my eye. I knew that was real because that was my mother poking her pretty little head out the door and waving cheerily as if I wasn't totally losing my heart and mind after an all too fleeting dance.
I sighed dramatically, walking over to grab my shoes, phone, purse and cardigan off the ground. I dusted off my things and dared to look over at my king. He was hanging up the phone, scratching his head and looking more than a little off balance.
Yeah, I felt that way too.
"Did you want to come in?" I asked, tilting my head toward my mother.
"I should probably get back," he murmured unconvincingly.
"She probably already called your mother," I replied nervously, not wanting him to leave while also wondering if I should just accept his answer and let him go. I certainly needed a minute to think which was not at all possible with him standing there after redefining the word beautiful in my mind. Even so… he filled my trembling heart with so much joy and wonder that being without him for more than a moment felt like far too long.
"I have food!" My mother called, as if reading the situation and realizing from a distance that Inuyasha needed some coaxing.
He groaned in a superficial huff of a manner but turned to me all the same and we both walked over to my house. We walked in silence after that, a strange, nervous distance between us that hadn't been there before. It wasn't like a distressing nervousness or anything but it was that type of uncomfortable silence that settles over a game when you can't remember who's turn it was next to make a move so you all just awkwardly wait for someone to do something because god forbid you skip someone.
Except, neither he nor I knew what to do because it wasn't a game. It was us and for a moment, my heart fluttered because did the silence mean that… he'd felt it too? Was I not standing on the edge of having caught these terrible feelings for him alone but just too scared to actually see who was standing beside me?
"Did you two have fun?" My mother asked, her gentle gaze warmly greeting us and still managing to look like the epitome of nurturing while also overtly grinning at the very obvious and crucial fact that I had left to meet a different boy and still came home with Inuyasha.
"Kags has blisters," Inuyasha stated brusquely, as if that would explain the entire situation of how he had ended up at our doorstep after attending the dance with someone who wasn't me.
"Oh no!" My mother murmured, looking down at my bare feet. "Make yourself comfortable in the kitchen, I'll get the medical kit."
"Thanks," I muttered. She gave Inuyasha one more quick up and down glance, as if looking for any signs of a physical intimacy that didn't actually exist between us, her gaze pausing at the wrinkles that had developed in his jacket from when he'd tied it around my waist to protect my honor and shield my butt from the world.
I assume that when she didn't see dirt or anything else on it to indicate that we had laid on it - among other things - my mother was satisfied and walked over to the bathroom. As she moved, I watched her pull out her phone and immediately begin texting. If she hadn't called Izayoi earlier, she was certainly updating her then.
I let my heels drop to the floor and followed her instructions, walking to the kitchen barefoot and grateful for the hard, steady ground beneath me while still yearning for the free fall again. I could feel my own phone buzzing and looked down at it out of habit. I had two messages from Hojo and, I don't know, a hundred from Sango.
I sighed and exhaled loudly, rolling my eyes and sliding into the chair.
"What?" He asked, sitting across from me, pulling open a box of cinnamon hearts he'd swiped.
"Sango is blowing up my phone," I replied, skimming through her messages. Sixty-nine messages could all be summed up as her wondering where the 'fuck' I ran off to and why Kikyo was suddenly at the dance alone. The rest were all sexual innuendos related to Inuyasha and I and I suddenly guessed that the previous sixty-nine messages probably ended at that number intentionally.
"What? Did she and Kuranosuke do it or something?" He sneered.
"That's a great question. She doesn't mention him once though," I mumbled sending her a quick message that I would explain later partly because I, myself, needed extra time to think about how the evening had panned out.
"Ah," he grumbled, resting his head in his hand and making my heart want to leap out of my chest in a chaotic bid to be nearer to him. When had I become such a simp for him?
Was it just after his kiss?
How long had I been terminally ill with this shit?
It was all so murky in my mind because, truthfully, for as long as I could remember being with him had felt like a compulsion and a need. From the moment he refused to kiss my ring, my heart had reached for him and I hadn't let go since.
It was food for thought as I sat down giving my pained feet a reprieve. If only my heart could've gotten a damn break.
He sat chewing the cinnamon hearts while all I could think about was the heat that still tingled on my skin from where he had held me and the way that… he hadn't let go when he should have. Inuyasha had held me closer than a friend and closer than a date.
My gaze landed on him only to find that he was already looking at me. Air caught in my throat and I… I wondered what I would tell Sango. How would I explain that tight, bright flame in my chest? How would I tell her that I saw nirvana and it was lined in silver and gold?
I bit my lip, dropping my gaze and sending a quick message to Hojo, thanking him for a wonderful evening and his generosity at the end. Courage and kindness like his needed to be encouraged in a world like ours. After all, if it hadn't been for him I might not have been able to dance with my king.
And what a dance it had been.
"So!" My mother sang cheerfully, walking in and placing the first-aid kit near me. "How are Hojo and Kikyo?"
I think you know the drill by now.
Sundays were for the arcade or the mall, and occasionally the park, with Sango and Miroku. I had begged and pleaded for us to hang out at the arcade where we could be consumed by video games because after spending the night nestled next to my king on the couch I had spent exactly zero seconds understanding my affliction and what the hell it meant for the coming days but Sango and Miroku had teamed up against me. Inuyasha hadn't cared in the least. In the end… two votes were greater than one.
Inuyasha stayed the night after the dance. We'd both passed out shortly after my feet were bandaged but the silence between us was so much louder than it normally was. Neither of us had spoken about that earth shifting dance we'd shared or his reluctance to answer Kikyo's call but I had woken that morning next to him.
I'm worried you're not picturing this correctly. When I say I was next to him, I mean I was like next to him. As in I didn't need to sleep with a blanket because his body heat had been more than sufficient.
And better still… he'd woken up before me. Meaning that he hadn't shifted or moved. He was fully aware of our positioning and had just stayed like that. Oh my poor heart… I had immediately sat up and nervously laughed before crawling to the kitchen to get tea started and give my brain a goddam fucking second.
Because what the actual fuck was happening?!
I was in uncharted waters. I was suffocating and I didn't want air. But I also needed clarity that I couldn't get with him next to me like that. Don't get me wrong, I was enjoying every unreal second of his intimate closeness but I still needed to understand what it all meant, which I didn't.
Was this all part of what it meant for him and I to be friends and I was just seeing what I wanted or… was he… possibly… maybe… reciprocating? He was timid, my king, unyielding when he felt safe but years of judgment made him cautious to reveal his vulnerabilities. I wondered if he was trying, in his way, to communicate to me that the reason he'd danced with me and not with her was because I was who he wanted next to him.
I nibbled on my lip as Inuyasha and I walked into the mall, Sango leaning against a wall at the far end of the food court already looking irate. I hadn't texted her like I had promised from the night prior which was not great of me but I still… I was still high.
And dizzy.
I was so fucking dizzy and every time I looked at him it all came roaring back. Was this normal? Was I drugged? Is this what my grandfather had tried to warn me about when he ranted about demonic possession? I hadn't the faintest idea. All I knew was that I was swimming in euphoria and if I had thought I was addicted before, girl, I didn't even know the definition of addict prior to being in his arms like that.
It was a lot to take in and I hadn't had any alone time to process.
I had thought that that's what had pissed Sango off, my earlier lack of response to her. I had been so, so very wrong. As we maneuvered through the other patrons at the mall that day, I noticed Inuyasha's mood change swiftly from ambivalent yet content to nearly as irate as Sango looked.
"Fuck," he muttered in a soft growl. It came out as a slip of the tongue, just above a whisper. A thoughtless and quick breath of a word that I didn't think I was supposed to have heard.
But I did.
"What?" I asked, confused yet daring to connect with those eyes that, my god, had my bones quivering for his heat.
He recoiled slightly when I pressed him for clarification. Yup, I definitely wasn't supposed to have heard his little curse. Inuyasha's ears flattened as he answered. "Kikyo's here."
"Um… what?" I pressed, genuinely confused before turning away from him and looking back to where Sango was standing, squinting to see better and sure enough, I could barely make out the partial outline of Kikyo's back peeking out from behind a pillar as she spoke with Sango and Miroku, neither of whom looked thrilled to be in her company.
We walked up and Sango's glare was far sharper than I expected it to be as it landed on us as we entered the tenth circle of hell that was our cohort that day. I forced air into my lungs, fidgeting with my hands, each step feeling like I was walking toward the end of the plank about to drop into unforgiving waters in the middle of the Pacific.
I was not prepared for that.
Not even a little. I was too dizzy and light headed, too intoxicated to function.
Last time Kikyo joined us, weeks ago, we'd had a warning. We had known it was coming. Based on Inuyasha's earlier reaction though I had guessed that even he had been caught unaware. Still… our group did have a pretty predictable pattern.
As you're aware…
I idly wondered if she had stopped by the arcade first just to see where we'd ended up because I was pretty fucking sure no one had invited her.
Sango flitted her gaze back at Kikyo, pulling it off Inuyasha and I.
"Oh hey!" Miroku shouted when we came within his view, laughing nervously and rubbing the back of his head. Okay, so neither he nor Sango were really good at playing it cool, clearly.
I waved weakly, putting on my best fake smile not only because Kikyo was there but because I wasn't sure I would live past the next five minutes and if I was going to die I thought I should at least look my best despite the blisters on my stupid feet and the ache in my chest.
Kikyo swiveled around and smiled broadly too. It creeped me out. Like… a lot. She looked totally normal but she felt off. Kind of like a rubber band that had been snapped but glued back together. It didn't quite work like it should have, you know?
"Hi," she purred, stepping over to my king and running her hand along Inuyasha's forearm.
I'm sure she meant it to be cute and maybe even a little sexy but… I wanted to gag. It was really gross. I swallowed down that feeling though. Why? Because making the alliance with her had been my brilliant fucking idea and I had agreed to it. I could feel Sango's stare boring into me as I worked to actively avoid it.
She didn't like Kikyo on a good day, and given how I'd ignored her all evening, this was not a good day to begin with.
"Hey," Inuyasha muttered reluctantly, eyeing her fingers as they swept across his arm with something close to disdain that I shrugged off because, was I reading that whole situation incorrectly because, again and I cannot overstate this fact, I was fucking drunk on him?!
"Wow," Kikyo murmured, her dark gaze dropping to my feet. I was wearing flip flops because, yes, even though it was cold as shit outside the blisters hurt and I hadn't thought anyone other than my closest friends would be seeing me… so… mistakes were made. That, by the way, is why you should never leave the house unless you're literally prepared to meet your worst enemies. I had not been. Don't be me. Learn from my mistakes. "Those blisters really do look bad," Kikyo placated as if she genuinely cared about the state of my feet.
I looked down at them helplessly, wiggling my exposed toes. I needed a pedicure so fucking badly too, my nails were gnarly. I really did just let Inuyasha see me at my worst without a single reservation, didn't I? "Yeah, it was a nice thought but I think next time I dance I'll just wear sneakers or something."
"Could just go barefoot," Inuyasha mumbled, causing me to blush for a moment as I recalled the prior night.
His comment made my heart race. I was a little embarrassed he brought that memory up in front of everyone. I knew that no one but us had been there or knew what Inuyasha was referring to but our dance had felt so personal, so intimate. It would be a memory I would cling to until the very end of my days, I just knew it would be. So it was jarring to watch Kikyo palm him so possessively while he referenced something so intimate between us that if she had known about, I assumed, would help her redefine the term rage.
Or bondage.
I wasn't sure which…
I didn't know how to feel. If anything, I was so much more confused than I had been the evening prior as my mother helped me bandage my feet and he and I had awkwardly and vaguely informed her that our dates had gone well while supplying excuse after excuse to explain how we'd still ended up leaving both of them behind.
I pressed my lips into a tight frown.
Kikyo had not liked that he had left her for me. That had been plain as day. And, if her previous attendance at the arcade was any indication, her little surprise was something she had thought through and carefully orchestrated.
It was another move.
And I was caught wearing fucking flip-flops. You don't go to battle in flip-flops. Unless you're me that is… Ugh.
"That's a weird suggestion," Miroku stated dryly in response to Inuyasha's earlier remark while pausing to look up from my swollen feet toward my king to convey his confusion at the statement before blundering ahead regardless. "So… video game store?" He pivoted quickly, probably because the little stand-off forming between the five of us in the middle of the food court was uncomfortable to begin with and becoming only more so with every passing second.
"Kagome and I are going to go do girl shit," Sango announced, her hand wrapping tightly around my wrist. "You guys have fun there."
"Uh-" I began. I had actually wanted to go to the video game store. Sota's birthday was coming up and I was hoping to get him something. I hadn't wanted to come to the mall but if I was there I might as well have put that time to good use…
"Kagome," Sango hissed, "I need your help with something."
"Sango! I told you this already!" Miroku exclaimed dramatically, "you can come to me for sex advice!"
"What the actual fuck?!" Sango snapped, "no! We're-we're not going to discuss that!"
"Then why don't we just go as a group?" Miroku suggested, his gaze looking just short of manic, clearly not wanting to be left alone with Inuyasha and Kikyo.
I mean, fair. I didn't want to be in that situation either. The prior night had been more than enough exposure for me to have realized that being stuck between them was worse than getting caught in a hail storm in Siberia.
"Period stuff," Sango tried, her gaze challenging him to continue his schtick.
"Okay, we'll come with you then. What do you need? Pads? Tampons? A cup?" It both amazed and concerned me how open and unbothered he was when talking about women's bodies. I appreciated that Miroku seemed so comfortable with speaking about things like periods and sexual expression, especially because my king had almost wretched when his mother had to explain to him why I would smell like blood once a month until I was like fifty but also dude… learn to read a room…
"Miroku!" Sango snarled, clearly frustrated that he wasn't giving in. "Bras!"
"Oh awesome, does Kagome need me to take her measurements taken again?"
"Wait… what the fuck?!" Inuyasha bit out, blinking quickly and looking between the three of us as I hid my face in my hands.
That… they weren't supposed to have told him about that.
"Oh… that's right…" Miroku nodded. I prayed he would just shut the fuck up but he didn't because why would he?! We were in the tenth circle of hell! And the day was just fucking beginning. "You and Kikyo are the only ones here who haven't seen Kagome's boobs. Isn't that a fun little tidbit?"
I would need to have a very long discussion with Miroku later about his timing and also about the very cardinal rule that you did not air your dirty laundry in public let alone to a potential threat. Kikyo. Kikyo was the threat, just to be clear.
I shook my head, cheeks burning worse than the blisters, while Kikyo burst into laughter. "Well this is fun," I mumbled, staring intently at the ground.
"You didn't see her boobs," Sango clarified. "But not the point… the point is… you three go to the goddam video game store or wherever, Kagome and I are going to go do something else for a minute. Can you take a hint now?!"
"But why don't we-" I began because, again, my sole objective that day was to get my silly brother, who I would have given my entire life savings to have barrel through at that moment and save me from that hell, a new game to annoy me with.
"No!" Sango hissed.
Miroku narrowed his eyes, clearly displeased with his situation and unwilling to accept defeat. Ever the schemer, he turned slowly to face Kikyo. "Will you be joining them? For this… girl talk?"
Traitor.
Kikyo shrugged, "sure."
Fuck.
That had confirmed it, to me at least. She wasn't there for Inuyasha. Oh no… She was there to speak with me.
Fuckity fuck.
"Okay, I'm going to go to the video game store then," I stated firmly, "because I need to get my brother a gift… Sango… if you want 'bras' can we do that after?"
"Fine," she bit out, looking around at our tense group, recognizing that nothing she did would get her what she wanted. She was outnumbered and outmaneuvered. I silently wondered if I too had been outnumbered and outmaneuvered, my fate already set in stone before I'd even walked over the threshold of the mall that morning.
"Cool." I pulled my hand from Sango's grip and began to rub my temples. That day had not been going the way I had hoped. In fact, it was turning out far worse than I had ever anticipated.
It had never even occurred to me that Kikyo would ever just show up and invite herself. I underestimated her resolve. I wish I could say that that was the last time I had underestimated her.
It wasn't, just to be clear. We'll get to that in a bit.
We moved as a unit to the video game store, Sango clinging to my side, Kikyo attached to Inuyasha's arm, and Miroku fluctuating between the two groups. I mulled around, genuinely sifting through the games as Sango angrily kept tabs on where Kikyo and Inuyasha were in proximity to us only whispering to me when she felt they were far enough away that we could have a modicum of privacy.
"What the hell happened last night?" She whisper-yelled at me, mulberry eyes still focusing on the others' positions.
"I need you to be more specific," I mumbled back, picking up a some-what interesting looking game for a moment before putting it back and shifting farther down the line of options. "I showed up at the dance, hung out with you and Kuranosuke, danced with Hojo, then my feet hurt so I went home."
"And between which of those events did you, Hojo, and Inuyasha fight with Kikyo?" She asked point blank, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Um, after dancing with Hojo and before going home," I replied, sighing and glaring at her. I was not a fan that her questioning was taking place at that moment and in that manner. "What happened with you and Kurano-"
"Not important. We made out. I let him get to second base and-" Sango snapped, her mouth shutting abruptly, causing me to look up and over, realizing that a single one of Inuyasha's ears was tilted in our direction, which hadn't been a moment earlier. "For fuck's sake," she grumbled, placing her hands on her hips in agitation.
I pursed my lips, ignoring her grumbles and mutters, finally plucking a game that looked half-decent and like something that Sota would enjoy. I held it up to her to analyze.
"No, not that game," Sango replied. "Kohaku has that and it's garbage. Played it once."
"Hmm," I hummed, returning it to the shelf with its friends, tracing the pads of my fingers along the other games. "Why haven't we ever invited Sota and Kohaku to come to the arcade with us?"
"Um, because I'm trying to get you in Inuyasha's pants and that's not something kids of their age need to see," she replied bitterly, exhaling in exasperation as I rolled my eyes.
"Wait… but… aren't men supposed to get in women's pants and not the other way around?" I asked, more to be annoying than because I wanted to engage on the topic.
"Let's not be sexist Kagome," she sneered. "You can get in his pants too, so don't give me that garbage. I mean, seriously, what do you think your hands are for?"
I lifted my hands up in surrender and to prove that they were not anywhere untoward before turning and scanning another row of games.
"Whose pants are we getting Kagome into?" Kikyo asked, seemingly coming out of nowhere to stand next to us, her voice something like gritty sugar that didn't properly dissolve in a caffeinated beverage but still managed to make your teeth ache.
I jumped, not expecting her voice to pierce my bubble but Sango looked unbothered. She had apparently known Kikyo was coming over and just had decided it wasn't worth giving me the heads up. Rude but maybe I deserved that.
I surveyed the store and realized that Sango wasn't that concerned in general because the one with the superhuman hearing was still at the other end talking animatedly with Miroku. Even if Kikyo was right there, she'd still missed our conversation and I guessed that was why Sango tolerated her presence without sounding the alarm.
"Hojo?" Kikyo pressed, wiggling her eyebrows and acting as if we were best friends instead of two women evidently vying for the same king.
"I'm not getting into anyone's pants," I grumbled, glaring at Sango.
"Oh… I'm painfully aware of that," she responded. "Have you and Hojo even kissed?"
"What is this?!" I huffed. "I agreed to come to the mall not to be interrogated," I sneered.
Between you and I, no. I hadn't kissed Hojo. I hadn't kissed anyone since that far too fleeting yet still monumental moment that Inuyasha's lips had brushed with mine forever dooming me to the existential crisis after existential crisis that was slowly turning my brain into a useless sponge that only managed to collect fantastical images of him pressed against me again. Me and my lips had remained abstinent from that moment henceforth and I had little interest in seeking pleasure from another. Sango and Kikyo, especially, didn't need to know that though…
"Ooh, what are we interrogating Kagome on?" Miroku asked, walking over with Inuyasha in tow.
"Her sex life," Sango replied easily. "Or lack thereof…"
"How about we help Kagome pick out a game for her brother? Hmm?" I suggested flatly.
"Oh come on! Your mother is the most chill out of all our parents! You could probably walk up to her and be like 'hey I'm bringing Mr. Sexy over and we're going to bang in my room, cool?' And then she'd supply you with condoms and scented candles for atmosphere!" Sango was joking, I think, but I still didn't really enjoy it. Especially because two of us standing in the huddle were very aware that that was not how my mother would have reacted.
Two of us were very aware that there were inane rules in place acting as invisible barriers and constant reminders that our bodies were designed to crave more than a virtuous yet still fulfilling platonic and emotional connection that I dreamed about shattering a million times over but not in the way Sango was specifically referring to in that moment.
I had never let my thoughts go that far.
"So what do we think about this game?" I asked, grabbing one at random and holding it out for everyone. "Winner?"
"Yeah, actually," Sango agreed, nodding toward me. "Kohaku said that's a really good game. He has it for P.C."
"Awesome," I groaned, pushing my way through each of them to the register. My heart felt like it was in my throat.
I wasn't really keen on the fact that I felt like my friends were throwing me to something worse than a wolf. I would have gladly engaged with Koga over Kikyo. I understood that I hadn't been a great friend to Sango by leaving her in the dark but I didn't feel my actions or lack thereof warranted her mocking my relations with the men we knew and my reluctance to engage romantically with people other than my king. I didn't like that Miroku was hell bent on not being left alone with Kikyo because, really, he was the idiot that had wanted Inuyasha to take metal shop, in a way, this was all his fault to begin with…
And my king…
His silence was speaking such volumes.
He had barely said anything to me or around me since the prior evening, save for that comment about dancing barefoot. Kikyo was his responsibility. Not mine.
I didn't recall agreeing to date her. And I definitely didn't recall agreeing to go to the dance with her.
If Hojo had showed up unannounced looking like a snapped rubber band I would have handled that, and justifiably so.
I didn't understand why it felt like everyone was looking at me for the answers to this messed up situation. What had I done that was really so abhorrent as to result in Kikyo showing up and ruining our weekly get together? I had told Sango I needed a minute to think. I had no recollection of pissing off Miroku, best I could remember he'd spent the night in a corner with Koharu all over him. I hadn't been the one that asked Inuyasha to leave with me, he had used me as a cover to leave Kikyo!
That fact began to fester a little, not gonna lie.
I couldn't see and didn't understand how or why Kikyo wanted to talk to me. What had I really done? I had left the dance early with my best friend because I was in physical pain, and bored.
And sad…
Shit.
There it was.
The truth.
The whole truth and nothing but the truth was… I wasn't totally innocent and that guilt was what was really eating at me as I left the video game store silently acknowledging that Kikyo wasn't really playing offense, she was probably playing defense.
I wasn't blameless because… I wanted him.
I sighed to myself. Kikyo wasn't dumb… even if I hadn't had any time to think she clearly had and she'd recognized that… well… denial wasn't just a river in Egypt. It should have been my middle name.
I didn't wait for any of them to catch up to me as I walked out of the video game store, Sota's gift in hand. I was having trouble processing and Sango mocking me for my virginal status wasn't helping the matter. I felt like I was both high and sinking. I was unsteady and not at all in the right state of mind to be looked at for answers or guidance from my friends.
Or to deal with Kikyo.
Miroku was the first to catch up with me.
"Hey, you okay?" He asked in a hush, violet eyes big with concern.
"I don't know," I answered honestly. "I feel like I ate something weird, I just… I don't know."
He nodded, looking unsure of what to do or say, which wasn't helpful to me. I felt like I was in a fun house with all the warped mirrors and I didn't even know which was real or fake anymore. Was I short and stout or was I large and wavy? God, what was fucking real?!
"What happened last night?"
I groaned at his question. "My feet were hurting so I stepped out of the dance. Yash found me and we got a photo together. Kikyo walked up after the photo and Yash told her we were leaving because my feet were bad. Anything else I don't know," I explained. "Hojo got me water and happened to show up in the middle of it."
Miroku nodded and tossed a quick glance to Sango. Sango, who was caught in the middle of a conversation with Kikyo and Inuyasha and looking incredibly bored by the whole thing. "Rumor is that Kikyo was livid he left."
"Shocker," I muttered, gaze flickering over the different stores.
"Why did you leave with him?" Miroku asked quietly, gently as if he didn't know why. As if the answer to that same question wasn't the whole reason he and Sango had devised their little plan earlier that year with the express goal of helping me reclaim Inuyasha's time and attention. As if that wasn't the entire reason Kikyo was there that day to begin with.
I paused in front of a clothing store, his question forcing me to come to a stop as I tried to figure out how best to respond. I had the easy answer I could give him right away; because my feet were hurting. What was the point in staying if I couldn't dance?
But I could dance. I had danced with blistered feet. With Inuyasha.
If I was honest, really honest, not just with Miroku but with myself, I left with Inuyasha because… I wanted to be with him. Even if it was just for a minute as he walked me back. I had missed him so much all throughout that night. And our dance had left me feeling naked and alive, shattered into a million glittering pieces, which was both beautiful and terrible because I didn't know what was what. I hadn't anticipated experiencing that.
So, despite all the chaos I knew it might unleash, I went with the truth.
"You know why," I whispered, my gaze shifting to my side, peering into the store next to us.
Inuyasha was my king.
If he asked me to walk through the fire I would. And you bet your ass I'd go barefoot too.
I would burn for him.
That should not have been news to anyone.
Least of all Kikyo.
Exhaling loudly, I faced Miroku once more. He didn't even have the decency to look shocked by my answer. Rude. I didn't know what that meant for me. Especially as Sango, Kikyo, and Inuyasha caught up to us.
I looked at Sango and nodded toward the store. "Wanna see if they have bras in there?"
She frowned a little but agreed and we walked in together. I didn't look to see if Kikyo was coming in with us because really… I didn't care anymore if she followed me in.
They say the truth will set you free and in a way it was beginning to liberate me. But it was only the beginning, there is, afterall, more to this story.
I stopped in front of a long rack of clothing, chewing on the inside of my cheek and pretending to look through the really cute clothes, breathing through my nose and trying to clear my head.
I felt so… exposed. I wasn't protected by my king's arms when Kikyo was around. It was a strange feeling that I didn't like.
God, I mean, I was just beginning to come to terms with things when my king had so beautifully and cruelly reminded me why no one else would suffice. I had no idea what to do. I knew I shouldn't have been letting my emotions control me, that I should have had a better handle on my heart but my feelings were so potent.
How could you bottle a tsunami?
Sango walked up to me silently. At first standing next to me, wordlessly. When I didn't speak, she did. "Why didn't you tell me about the thing with Inuyasha last night?"
"Because it wasn't a thing," I whispered in exasperation. "He helped me get home, that was all."
That wasn't all.
I was too raw to delve into the rest. Plus, that was… that was my moment with him. They didn't need to have access to it. It wasn't theirs to poke or prod or analyze.
It was just for him and I and I would never let another sully that moment. Everyone else be damned, he was my king and that was our dance.
"Okay," Sango mumbled. "What interference do you want me to run with Kikyo?"
"None. If she has something to say she can say it to me," I answered, turning to look at Sango. It was odd because at that moment I didn't… I didn't feel as intimidated by Kikyo. I knew she was going to come for me sometime that day and I… I wasn't ready for her but I wasn't going to lay down and die either.
Not like last time. I felt stronger than before and that was almost as intoxicating as Inuyasha's presence.
Sango nodded, then pointed at the pants I had been looking at. "You would look really cute in those."
"Thanks," I smiled weakly at her, reaching forward to grab a pair my size.
"You're not wearing the necklace today," she commented.
I frowned. I hadn't even noticed. Strange that she did literally every single time I wore it though. My gaze fell on her again, quietly assessing why she would have such an interest in a gift Inuyasha had given me. The more I thought about it… she had been oddly determined from a very early stage to push him and I together. Way before I had ever confronted my wanton and unscrupulous ardor for a silver-haired, ramen inhaling fiend that I sat next to every day.
It was a thought I would have to explore at a later time though, as our private conversation ended, Kikyo reappearing and making a bee line over to us. "Oh those pants are nice," she grinned though it didn't meet her eyes.
I put the pair back on the stand.
Sango looked over at me, her head tilting down slightly but gaze locked with mine, nonverbally asking if I was good. I gave her a tiny nod and she reached forward, grabbing a pair of pants in her size before tonelessly proclaiming, "I'll be right back. I'm going to try these on."
With Sango heading to the dressing room, that left Kikyo and I alone in the store, as both of the boys were outside seemingly enthralled by the germ-infested massage chairs that every sweaty man and his friends farted in between inserting quarters into the slot. Oddly, it felt like a very fitting activity for them.
"So… is it just Hojo that you don't want to sleep with or are there others on that list as well?" Kikyo asked, coming up next to me, brushing shoulders with mine as I moved away from the stacks of pants and dragged my fingers across a dress that had caught my eye.
I hadn't liked her tone. It all but suggested that I kept an active list of men to notch off on my bed frame. Which wasn't the case in the slightest. Especially because at that point in time it seemed like I was the only one not even thinking about those things. All I wanted was a freaking kiss… A real kiss. Not a quick peck given to me to shut up little bitch at a party surrounded by peons watching it for their own amusement.
I wanted a genuine, lip smacking kiss that wasn't forced or inspired by a dumb game. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful that my king had stepped in and acted that night but what I am trying to say was that I wanted a kiss from someone who wanted to kiss me, with no other reasons or motives tainting that.
"I don't really think about sex," I replied.
"That doesn't really answer my question though…" she pressed, her tone noticeably lacking the forced friendly warmth from earlier.
She was still pissed about last night.
Obviously.
Like… fine but, also, I hadn't made her kind-of-boyfriend-who-wasn't-her-boyfriend leave her at the Homecoming dance. He had approached me. He had asked to take photos with me. He had decided, unilaterally, to walk me home. Sure, I hadn't exactly objected but… really my primary allegiance was to my king, to Inuyasha. Was that not totally and completely and unmistakably obvious by that point in my life?!
I was pretty sure that that was obvious, otherwise that whole conversation in the store and the ones that had preceded it wouldn't have been necessary in the slightest.
Kikyo didn't seem to care though. She wanted him, regardless of what I did or didn't do.
I could understand that, obviously. It was painfully clear to me what it felt like to want him and how it felt to have another seemingly hold his attention. Especially because I wasn't exactly used to other people seeing the value my king held. But Kikyo had seen him too. It's why I had given her a chance at all and attempted to extend an olive branch over the summer. I had thought that she was a queen capable and deserving of my king. The more time I spent with her though, the less I thought of her as regal and more I saw her as a jester wasting my time with her pettiness just trying to drag down the crown with her.
It was getting on my nerves.
Especially because Inuyasha never did well when backed into a corner. He was the epitome of the rat that would chew off its own legs to break free. Inuyasha would dig his grave ten feet deep before he gave in.
I wasn't much better, to be honest.
"Kikyo, I don't think about sex, okay?" I growled. "I'm just trying to pass math."
"But how do you think of Inuyasha?" She continued, her voice still hushed but markedly sweeter. I assumed she was beginning to realize that I, like my king, did not respond well to aggression. She was switching tactics, trying to catch more bees with honey and all that.
"I think he's my best friend and I am very grateful for his presence in my life," I replied flatly, picking up the dress.
"Nothing romantic between you?"
I knew why she was asking that question again. I had never answered her over the summer and, I could, theoretically, understand that from her perspective why my actions may have been a little problematic. She had walked in on Inuyasha and I when I was hanging off of him and then when she had come to claim him he had told her that he was leaving… with me…
Okay, fine…
I'll admit that it wasn't a great look from where she was standing.
I still rolled my eyes, forcibly repressing the memories and the feelings of being pressed up against him and the way I had clung to him like he held the last vestiges of my sanity and soul in those clawed hands that protected me with every movement and made me feel more alive than anything I'd ever experienced on sacred ground.
I may not have been the biggest fan of her tactics but I realized that she was smarter than she let on. She played chess when the rest of us were playing checkers. She saw me as a threat, I didn't fully recognize why but it… made me pause.
Because…
Why did she see me as a threat?
Even if I didn't think about sex, I did think about how it had felt to have his hands sweep up my thighs before carrying me home. I did think about how exquisite it felt to have his arms around me, gripping me against him. I did think about his lips and the heat I craved from them. Those certainly weren't platonic thoughts.
But another thought nagged at me that made me… happy. Giddy, really.
I didn't think Kikyo actually cared what I thought about him. That wouldn't be relevant unless… unless she thought that he might have feelings for me too. That changed things. That mattered. If I pined away in a totally and completely one sided fantasy, I would just be a sad sack that she could ignore and feign pity for.
She wasn't pitying me in that store. She was trying to lock me into a move. Like I said… chess.
That was a weird revelation to have, especially after all that had happened in the last twenty four hours. It was a lot to think about. But it also made me start to see the board a little more clearly. It made me start to realize that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't as powerless as I had originally thought I was.
I just wasn't sure if I was only seeing what I wanted to see. I would need to explore that.
Problem was… I wasn't a very good chess player. I had all of two seconds in that moment to come up with a response and I didn't really want to play. I wanted to think. There had been a lot that happened in a short amount of time and so many theories I needed to investigate, so many angles I needed more time to fully understand.
"Just ask me what you really want to ask me," I sneered.
I didn't want to waste my youth on Kikyo's games.
"I'd like to have Friday nights with him."
You ever accidentally dunk your hand in water so hot that it feels cold for a minute because your nerves haven't even processed the pain or what the hell just fucking happened?! That's how I felt at that moment. I was just at a total loss and not even sure what I was dealing with but I slowly began to feel the burn sink in and it stung.
"W-what?" I stuttered like I'd been slapped by more than just her words.
"You and Inuyasha spend every Friday together. I have certain commitments on other days that make going out with him difficult. I'd like some Fridays."
"Ask him-"
"I did."
Um… excuse me?!
"Kikyo, I'm not his keeper," I snapped, though I did have a burning question for her. "When-when did you ask him?"
I was genuinely curious because he hadn't told me that. He hadn't so much as fucking hinted at his desire to share Fridays with her. And, to me at least, that had seemed like a big deal that someone would ask that of him and that he wouldn't even mention it casually.
It had me second guessing my entire analysis of the situation.
Was I even on a chess board?! Were we playing something else entirely?! Was I really even at the mall?!
"Over the summer."
Before our alliance. Before she suckered me into being a co-conspirator. Before…
And he… he hadn't told me!
"Inuyasha said he'd talk to you about it but every time I ask him he makes an excuse. I don't know if he's protecting you or what, but-" I suddenly lost the ability to hear. She kept talking but my mind just crashed.
My fucking king.
I would maim him.
School sucked the week after that. I was still mad at Inuyasha for so many things I couldn't pick just one. I walked in on Monday morning and strode straight to first period. I didn't know if he had arrived already or if he was running late but I didn't look for him or Miroku or Sango.
I ignored the nosy eyes of the lay people that watched me as I moved and slid into my seat. I didn't know what they were hoping to see and I didn't listen as the whispers sprung up around me. I just stared at my homework and began checking my answers, my leg bouncing incessantly next to me.
"What gives?" Inuyasha snapped, also unconcerned with the onlookers as he loudly took his seat by me.
"I don't know what you mean," I answered curtly, gripping the papers in front of me a little more tightly and not looking at him.
"Um, really?" He hissed, dropping his bag on the ground. "Well let's see, you stopped talking to me yesterday for no reason, haven't answered any of my texts, and then you didn't even acknowledge me when you walked in today."
He waited, I assumed, expecting me to say something. I didn't. I let that all hang there.
"Kags."
I looked up from my homework. I had never hated my name more than when it left his lips like that, so bitter and angry.
"Kikyo told me about Fridays. No, actually… Kikyo blamed me for her inability to spend Fridays with you," I finally answered, slowly turning to face him. "Not only that but… you used me to lie to your girlfriend."
He just sat there, looking confused, hurt, and surprised. But I… I didn't pay attention to his expression that much because my dumb brain latched onto the things he hadn't said and not the frustration painted on his face at having learned that his whatever-she-was had gone around his back to harass his bestfriend. All I could think was that Inuyasha hadn't immediately told me Kikyo wasn't his girlfriend.
That hurt way more than it should have… He had been so quick to stop me on, what was it? Saturday. Which was a whooping two days earlier. Mmhmm… nope. Didn't like that at all. That… What did I even do with that?
"So, yes, Yash, I would love to know… what gives?" I spoke in a hush not because I cared if others heard me but because I didn't have the will to yell at him. I felt weak. I was bleeding. I had been high and well, I suddenly remembered why I had initially been so scared of the fall… because I had fucking crashed from our high and it was awful.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I had felt so strong for a moment and then Kikyo had reminded me why I was weak. It was jarring and I just wanted to run into his arms and hold him close before also punching him in his handsome stupid face.
I watched his lip twitch and an ear flick. Inuyasha hadn't realized Kikyo told me about Fridays, clearly. His gaze pulled from mine, the gears in his mind working to put together some explanation I didn't know if I wanted to hear.
"I don't want to be put between you and her anymore," I stated, looking back at my homework. "She can have every other Friday, if you want. I don't care," I replied thoughtlessly.
I did care. I cared a lot. I didn't want him to split our Fridays. I didn't want to share him with her anymore.
I wanted him to correct me when I called her his girlfriend. I wanted him to walk with me home every night. I wanted to wake up on the weekends with him so close to me I would overheat. I wanted him to dance with me again.
Every time he didn't it ate at me. It reminded me why I felt so confused to begin with and why I felt like Kikyo always had the upper hand when we clashed. I was struggling to see where his mind was and what he wanted. It didn't help that every time I tried to ask him about his relationship with Kikyo or what he wanted with her that he shut down.
Letting my head rest in my hands, feelings of frustration and confusion as well as a sense of deep loss settled into my chest.
I loved our Fridays.
Sango and Miroku may have thought our ongoing sleepovers were creepy but when else would I get such unfettered access to him? Fridays were so easy and relaxed. I supposed that may have been a reason they were so attractive to Kikyo too.
Still…
I knew finding my sanity was a long shot but as the teacher had begun to drone on in front of us I couldn't help but wonder what else I might lose. That alliance… it was supposed to keep him close to me. Or, close enough.
Kikyo didn't seem satisfied though. I wondered what else she wanted, what other things she wanted me to sacrifice all in the name of her budding relationship with him.
I didn't have to wait long to get my answer.
Lunch later that day started out totally fine. It was boring and banal. Inuyasha, Sango and I had arrived at the table before Miroku. I was munching on my sandwich and poking fun at Inuyasha's suggestion to try paintball when the weather improved, both of us ignoring the strain that was in the air between us after leaving things unsettled earlier in the day.
I was partial to laser tag personally. I mean, have you seen the welts a paintball can leave? No. Absolutely not.
Maybe when I was a bean and didn't have bags of fat on my chest that would scream in agony if and when they got hit I would have been more open to the idea but not then. I bruised like a peach too… It was all around a bad idea for this queen.
"That's why they give you a vest!" Inuyasha argued. He and Sango were decidedly for paintball.
"The vest doesn't cover everything…" I replied, letting my eyes jokingly drop to his lap. He got the picture almost immediately and didn't think I was funny.
"Whatever you are talking about I don't care, shut up!" Miroku announced just as Inuyasha was leaning over the table, mouth open and little fangs glittering in the light as he prepared to give me shit for my veiled threat to shoot his family jewels if he dragged me to paintball.
"Guess what," Miroku gushed, ignoring Inuyasha as my king glared back at him.
"What?" Sango asked dryly for all of us.
"We have so graciously been extended an invitation to Koga's next party!" He threw his hands up in victory.
"Pass," Inuyasha growled, before turning back to face me, a clawed finger pointing in my direction. "I see your threat and would like to remind you that I know where you live and if you ever… ever… aim a gun there purposefully… I will endyou."
"But… what if I just have really bad aim…" I pouted, feigning innocence, making my eyes large and batting my lashes like I wasn't fully prepared to decorate his crotch with my imaginary paintballs all in the name of making a point. The point being, I didn't want to be covered in welts! I still had blisters on my feet! And they hurt…
"Wait, seriously? No one cares about Koga's party?" Miroku whined. "Kagome?!" He said my name as a plea. Miroku was staring at me with big, wide eyes and a sad face.
"When is it?" Sango asked, partially to humor him and partially, I'm sure, because she likely wouldn't mind wasting the night away with Kuranosuke in one of the many rooms at Koga's parents' home.
"Um… next Friday," he answered reluctantly.
Sango sighed heavily and rolled her eyes. "Dude! You knew the answer to that question before you even asked!"
"Hey, they went to a Friday party with us before!" Miroku countered. "A man can dream, can't he?"
I looked over at Inuyasha for guidance. He hadn't really told me what he was going to do about the Friday situation or when and which Fridays I had versus Kikyo. We had both just gone quiet after our tiff that morning.
He didn't look at me though. He just stared at his lunch, blinking.
I let my gaze travel to Miroku and Sango, both of whom had gone silent too, each seemingly realizing that something was amiss. They each looked back and forth between Inuyasha and I, just… waiting.
Sango finally broke the silence, "okay, well… I'm sorry you won't be able to suck on Ayame's face next week-"
"Kags can go if she wants," Inuyasha finally stated, chewing on the side of his cheek and staring down at his food still.
I swallowed thickly. All the playfulness and joking that he'd spoken with mere seconds prior was gone. He hadn't said that he wanted that Friday with her but… that's what I had heard. I was immediately despondent because it wasn't even a real answer. He was volleying the decision back over to me. Inuyasha was… he was putting it in my court to decide whether he would suddenly be free that night.
I felt like it was a cheap shot to take. And it provided me with absolutely no clarity or insight into what he wanted. I bit down hard on my lip because if I didn't it would have started to tremble in agony and frustration.
"Uh," Miroku began, his expression panicked and his voice similarly strained. He never got to say whatever he was going to say because a much, much worse thing happened next.
Sango saw it coming but I didn't. I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell to do with Inuyasha's goddam whiff of an answer. She ripped her eyes away and met mine, her gaze widening and her jaw clenching.
Incoming.
Kikyo sauntered around the table, her smirk and a dark glint in her eye sending a shiver down my spine. I knew that look. She was making another move.
It was the confidence she oozed with every step that had made me the most concerned though because there wasn't a second's hesitation. Her actions were fluid and precise and lethal. She was making a move and she knew it was a good one. Kikyo knew it would be one that made her feel closer to Inuyasha.
And one that would make me more unnecessary to him.
She took a seat at the lunch table with us, placed a vile kiss on his cheek and committed the worst offense of all.
Like seriously, I would have been less hurt or upset if they had just had sex in front of me. That's the level of pain and anger I had reached after her little stunt.
As if it wasn't hard enough to watch her take his heart, his touch, and now maybe some of his Fridays but that bitch pulled out a tiny box that I knew so well that I could tell you how that cardboard bent based on the conditions in the atmosphere. As she placed that box on the table, I could tell by nothing more than a cursory glance that that box had come from a wholesale retailer bundled in a larger pack because the ink on boxes sold individually at the stores was just slightlybrighter. As four sets of eyes watched Kikyo push that box toward Inuyasha, because I could feel her fifth set of malevolent eyes solely on me as she put me in check, I could tell you that there were approximately five hundred pieces of candy in it, not because I had ever been smart and looked it up but because Inuyasha and I had counted several times over the years.
I froze out of sheer shock and pain. I just… I sat there, Sango and Miroku's gazes flickering over to me as Inuyasha just looked down at the box in confusion, all while I felt a rage bubbling beneath the surface of my skin.
And the tears.
They pricked at the back of my eyes. I forced my gaze away. I heard Inuyasha thank her weakly for the stupid goddam candies before dropping them in his backpack and I just… sat there.
It was a good move.
It was rude as all fucking hell. But most of all it was a clear signal to me…
Back off.
"What time should I be ready next Friday?" I stated in defiance, fury fueling my decision. She wanted to play?
Fine. She could play.
I was going to party. I pretended not to notice the way my king winced at my statement and forced his eyes shut when I declared that I would be attending Koga's party, presumably without him. I pretended not to notice the joy that passed over Kikyo's face as she seemingly realized that she was getting her Fridays with Inuyasha. But, mostly, I pretended that I didn't want to scream and cry and run.
Miroku's head turned slowly to face me. He had that pleading, begging look on his face again but for a totally different reason I didn't understand. I ignored that too. I had a feeling I understood what he was trying to convey but I was just too upset, too overwhelmed to think clearly.
Inuyasha was waiting for me the next morning. Not at school. At my house. I bounded down the stairs, grabbed my lunch and waved to my mother who looked like she had seen a ghost but I didn't have the time to ask about it because I was running late.
I ran right into him, like full on my face smacked into his chest which had stood as firmly as a brick wall. I hadn't been expecting him to be there.
I wish I was better at being a human and using my damn eyes but I wasn't. After I collided with him, his touch searing me as he gripped my sides so I didn't fall back onto the ground, I just blinked at him.
I had a speech too. Or, okay, not a speech, but I had had a plan. He ruined it. He wasn't supposed to just show up at my house before school. He was supposed to accost me at school.
I would've been prepared for that.
But I wasn't prepared to collide into him after spending the night purposely ignoring him and screaming into my pillow until my throat was raw.
Let alone being reacquainted with his touch that felt so warm but also biting as a wave of shame washed over me.
I bit my lip and forced my eyes closed. I missed him the moment Inuyasha removed his hands from me. And I still noticed the distance he put between us, taking a step back he never used to take, a step away from me, after he released me.
"Thanks," I grumbled, taking a step to the side and resuming my walk to school. Like I said, I was already running late. I didn't need to actually be late.
"Kags!" He spat, uncaring that my mother could probably hear his urgent, angry tone. Her earlier expression made a lot more sense to me upon literally running face first into Inuyasha right outside the door. She had to know he was here. The stalker was probably sipping her tea and looking through the window as we left too.
"What?" I snapped, turning to face him, the tears already bubbling on my eye line. "What do you want me to give up now?"
"What the hell are you even talking about?!" He asked, quickly catching up to me.
I paused, stopping in the street and looking at the ground like it had murdered my entire family. "You wanted to take metal shop with Miroku," I murmured. "So you changed most of your classes so that you could do that."
"That was last year-"
"You wanted to hang out with Kikyo so you stopped studying with me on weeknights," I continued, my little frame tense and pulled into itself.
"Wha-"
I barreled on. I had started and I couldn't stop. "You stopped hanging out with me between classes. You stopped hugging me. You invited Kikyo to the arcade and you said nothing when she showed up at the mall. You no longer want to spend Fridays with me. You no longer want to go to parties with me. And you no longer want…"
I inhaled sharply. It sounded so stupid and a little creepy in my head to say that he no longer wanted my candy… So I didn't say that outloud. I left it at that and just hoped he would get the point. The cinnamon hearts? Those were sacred to me.
They were something so central to our dynamic, to us. It's why it had been a good move on Kikyo's part.
It had never even crossed my mind that someone else would mimic it. Especially just to prove a damn point. I had underestimated her again. And that hurt. I was always a step behind her. I was always somehow less than her. She was stunning and perfect and I was a reformed bean upset that a boy wanted cinnamon sugar from his girlfriend and not his friend-friend.
I felt so ridiculous because… really… he wasn't asking that much but it felt like everything to me. I didn't know how to say that without… without breaking us apart and plunging us into a space I wasn't sure he wanted to enter.
"So," I started anew, "what is it now?" My tone wasn't mean or biting, it was just weak. I was tired and beaten.
I had been so hopeful and full of life when he had danced with me. It felt like such a far cry from where I was when I stood there, letting time tick by as I waited to hear what he would say.
Inuyasha's brows were pulled down and together and he wore a deep set frown as he looked back at me. He stood there, his expression slowly but surely turning angrier. I could see the frustration in his eyes, the desire to lash out budding underneath. I watched him curl his fingers, pressing his claws into his palms, his lips curling up in a way he'd never done before when I was on the other end of the conversation.
"You told me to hang out with her," he finally snarled in a loud breath. "I told you I didn't want to because it pissed you off! You told me to hang out with her!"
"Why didn't you tell me that you wanted Fridays with her?" I spat. "Why did I have to find that out from her?"
"Because Fridays are ours!" He exclaimed in exasperation, stepping forward and getting in my face. "There was no point in discussing it with you! You have pushed me toward her every time I mention her! And I didn't want to give them up!"
"Oh but you'll take cinnamon hearts from her just like that?!"
He growled loudly before he answered, glaring at the sky, "Kags, I threw them out immediately after! Happy?! I didn't fucking eat them and I never would!" His ears flattened against his head, his cheeks burning red but not from anger. "I don't get why you're always upset with me lately! What do you want from me?!"
That was a loaded question, now wasn't it?
Because I wanted it all.
I wanted to fall. With him. Without the crash.
"I want my fucking friend!" I cried, feeling the tears brim the bottom of my eyes and noticing the telltale twitch of his nose indicating that he'd caught the scent of saline before I had totally lost it there on that cracked sidewalk a safe distance away from our school for any of our other peers to see. "I want hugs! And I want you to talk to me! I want a goddamn emoji from time to time! I want-"
I wanted my kingdom.
I wanted everything back.
Mostly, though, I wanted my king.
I wanted that usurping bitch out.
Inuyasha didn't hesitate or look afraid like he had when I had cried in his living room. He reached forward easily, his touch scorched across my skin as he pulled me into him and held me tight. I stared wide-eyed at his chest. I hadn't expected him to move like that. I hadn't expected him to hold me with such desperation and frustration. He'd never hugged me so openly or tightly before.
I heard him suck in a sharp breath and felt his chest push out more than usual as he filled his lungs and tried to steady his own emotions, his heart pounding loudly in my ear, far faster than it should have been.
He cradled the back of my head and slid his other arm between my back and book bag. "I'm not going anywhere," he growled, his voice so firm and resolute, so determined even though he was clearly still upset with me. "So… stop pushingme away."
We had a lot to work through, he and I. I didn't understand at that time why he was worried that I was pushing him away when in my mind I had felt like I had been desperately pulling him closer but I'll tell you about that in a minute.
I didn't want to compromise anymore.
I didn't want to cry over him anymore.
I was fucking tired of feeling like the loser especially when… He was standing right in front of me.
Inuyasha had come for his queen.
When all was said and done… he'd taken Kikyo's gesture and her message to me and tossed it literally in the trash. He was trying to show me that there were things that Kikyo couldn't do, things that he wouldn't let her do.
Inuyasha, my sword and my shield, but most importantly… my king, he wouldn't let her take my place.
I wasn't replaceable.
Not to him.
In all the years we'd been friends, he'd never shown up at my house in the morning like that.
He'd never felt it was necessary.
Why was that significant? Because we had had fights before. Nasty, cruel fights. He and I were both fighters and stubborn too, that made for some bitter battles. But neither one of us had ever entertained the notion that the other wouldn't come back.
I had been thinking that I was the only one bleeding.
I had been wrong.
So wrong.
Miroku had tried to warn me but I hadn't listened. Inuyasha… he'd felt the distance too. And he didn't like it. He didn't like it anymore than I did. I had been assuming that he wanted space to be with Kikyo.
But as he slowly released me, that look in his gaze that would tempt Galileo to forget the sun in favor of Inuyasha's eyes, a small voice in the back of my mind began to whisper that I had read the situation wrong.
He… is that really what he had wanted, to be with Kikyo? Or… was it what I had thought he wanted? What I had pushed him toward, like he had asserted moments earlier?
I didn't know.
But I would find out.
One thing that was made abundantly clear to me as he walked, side by side, with me to school that day was that Kikyo had been right to fear my influence in his life. Inuyasha's words circled my mind as I tried to make sense of the situation.
Kikyo could play chess all she wanted but see the thing about chess… You have a finite number of moves you can make. There are only so many tiles. There are only so many pieces. There are only two players. At some point… you exhaust the possibilities. Life didn't have a set number of values or variables. The possibilities were endless.
She'd miscalculated. Whether she had miscalculated me or him, I didn't care. That wasn't the point. The point was… it was my move again and… I was realizing that I wasn't as weak as I had thought I was.
I wasn't as alone as I thought I was.
Sitting in our first class that day, I nibbled on my lip and took mental stock of everything that had happened in the last few months, ignoring the teacher who was trying to give me other life skills. In doing so, I noticed a certain pattern that I had unintentionally ignored until Inuyasha had so resolutely shoved my face into it earlier that morning.
My king… his actions puzzled me… because…
He may have texted her emojis but he reached for me any time he felt unstable. He may have gone out with her for a few hours a couple nights during the week but he danced with me. He may have let her tag along occasionally during group events but he slept next to me.
Even that morning, she may have tried to take him from me and shove a wedge between us but he… he would always be by my side.
I turned to look at him, my heart beating a little quicker as that amber gaze immediately shifted and met mine. I held it. Longer than I should have. I didn't know yet what I needed to convey to him but… I hoped that he would feel whatever it was that he needed from me at that moment.
His eyes pulled away first, a clawed hand reaching down into his bag, I could hear a very familiar crinkling of foil as he removed his hand. My heart raced and my skin tingled as the pads of his fingers dragged over my skin and, as he pressed a red ring pop into my hand, I realized something else. Kikyo had been trying to belittle my relationship with him, to make the bonds that tethered Inuyasha and I seem trivial but this is what I meant when I said that chess didn't account for other variables in life. She hadn't factored in that… there were some things… that my king would never give to her.
There were some things that he would only bestow on me.
I may have felt lost at sea but my king… he would never forget who his queen was.
I clutched that ring pop tightly in my hand and stared forward. I had been wrong to just assume he ate the cinnamon hearts she'd given him and I was beginning to realize that I had made a lot of assumptions regarding him in recent months that I shouldn't have. I should have had more faith in him because…
Like the cinnamon hearts I gave him… that ring? It was a symbol of his love and devotion to me. It was only for me. The candies were sacred to us. They were our bond and our word.
He loved me, Kikyo would never be able to stand between that, and I just… I needed to find out which type of love it was.
My heart swelled and I released a long, slow breath, my lips tugging up incrementally at the end as I let my gaze dip down again, looking at that ring. I smiled because…
My reign wasn't over.
Not even close.