Knocking on his door that evening before the sun set, had my stomach in a number of knots I couldn't name or untwist. Yogurt had been fine, though a weird tension had still clung to us after the fight.
"Come in!" Izayoi beamed, throwing open the door and enveloping me into a bear hug that felt so good. I squeezed her back, tightly, expressing all my regret, sadness, and pain in my embrace of her. She pulled me into her more forcefully as well, before whispering, "I heard about the fight. Sweetheart, please don't take it personally."
"How can I not?" I mumbled, standing up straight as she released me, feeling her hands slide to the tops of my shoulders. "Every one hates or tries to pick apart our friendship and… what if… what if I am a problem?" I asked, looking up at the eyes that, though so dark, mirrored her son's in so many ways. They were magnificent, full of life and expression, bright despite their sable coloring. It was as if they held the same depth, vastness, and brilliance as the universe itself.
No wonder it was so easy to get lost in Inuyasha's gaze, he'd inherited her intensity.
Her head fell to the side and I heard the stairs behind her creak as Inuyasha came down. "Remember what I told you? People will always have something to say. What do you feel?"
Well, truthfully, I felt like grabbing her son and locking him in his room before then licking him clean of any and all memory of Kikyo even if her poison killed me but that wasn't an appropriate answer. I understood her meaning all the same, more so then that I had the year prior.
People were meddlesome creatures, always arrogantly offering opinions or thoughts that were unwarranted or undeserved. Kikyo didn't like my friendship with Inuyasha, plain and simple. I couldn't say I blamed her for that but it was something to keep in mind, to think about with a grain of salt. Her comments and her perspective would always be tainted when it came to him, and so… would mine.
"I'd really like to keep Inuyasha in my life," I murmured.
"Good, because I know he really wants the same…" She cooed, hugging me tightly again.
Inuyasha cleared his throat behind his mother, ears pinned to the back of his head in annoyance, though by that point the ears were mostly ornamental.
"Oh hush!" Izayoi exclaimed, releasing me but giving my shoulder one final squeeze, "I haven't seen Kagome in a while." She turned to me and waved before approaching Inuyasha. "Remember what we discussed," she warned before ascending the stairs to her room.
He rolled his eyes, though they lacked all the ire they had had earlier that day. Inuyasha loved his mother to pieces, even if she annoyed the shit out of him on occasion.
"What was that about?" he asked, turning to me and raising a questioning brow.
"Funny, I was going to ask you the same thing," I teased, smiling and shifting my bag on my back.
"Nothing," he grumbled angling away from me and moving toward the living room where our parents had banished us to at the beginning of high school. Though we'd come to accept it, neither Inuyasha or I liked having to do our sleep overs out in the open. We never did anything improper, we just didn't like constantly being interrupted by annoying little brothers - mine, or nosy parents - both our mothers.
He stared out at our quarters for the evening with contempt, eyes glancing over the lumpy cushions, the bland coffee table, the mis-matched rug, and the overly large entertainment center, looking neither excited nor pleased at the space he had requested I visit, potentially at the expense of his first romantic relationship.
I looked out over the living room as well, taking notice of the natural light quickly fading. I could only guess that he was beginning to feel weaker, more vulnerable, the desire to literally and metaphorically hide away from the world itching under his skin.
"Hey," I murmured, coming up to him. Inuyasha looked down at me with a slightly forlorn look that I wasn't a big fan of, "I have an idea."
"For?" He grumbled dryly, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Tonight," I smiled, trying to embed my words with genuine joy and excitement. He had fought so hard to get me there that evening, to have me at his side instead of Kikyo, I kind of wanted to make the night something more than our tradition of reclining on the couch, making fun of each other while watching cartoons or sappy T.V. sitcoms until I inevitably fell asleep before he did. I wanted to add a little novelty or nostalgia to the evening.
"What's so special about tonight?" Inuyasha groaned, skeptically looking me over.
"It's the only time of the month you're human, that's special to me," I responded.
He rolled his eyes and huffed but he didn't walk away. "What's your idea?"
"I wanna build a blanket fort."
Inuyasha snorted out a laugh before finally smiling and shaking his head. "What? Are we five?" He joked, blinking at me rapidly.
"No but… nothing wrong with staying young at heart," I replied, narrowing my eyes at him, despite feeling that all too familiar flutter in my chest upon being graced with that smile that could breathe life into even the darkest, most embittered parts of my chest.
He sighed, letting his head loll around a moment before looking back at me. "You set up the base, I'll get extra pillows and sheets."
"Yes!" I cheered in victory, dropping my bag and skipping into the living room, immediately pulling apart the cushions and grabbing chairs from the kitchen for a little extra height. After all, as Inuyasha had pointed out, we weren't five anymore. The fort would need a little extra height to accommodate our larger bodies.
It took all of thirty minutes for us to get the fort together. Really, it took fifteen minutes of actual building and fifteen of bickering but we got it together! And just in time. We both crawled on our hands and knees into the cramped, yet warm and oddly comforting space. I dragged in snacks and a couple added blankets for cushion while he brought in a computer to stream movies and shows on.
It was barely spacious enough to fit us both and our things, as the top of the fort caressed Inuyasha's ears making him growl in annoyance.
"Oh relax," I giggled, "it'll be less annoying in a moment when the sun's fully down."
The glare he gave me after that comment told me that he wasn't looking forward to that, even if it meant that his ears wouldn't be under attack anymore. I shrugged it off, logging into my mother's account to set up the laptop for our shows then slid him a box of cinnamon hearts.
Oddly, he merely looked at them. I was used to him grabbing at them quickly, like a smoker searching for a light after going too long between smoke breaks. Sure, he'd store them but when he opened them they would be devoured in such a way you'd have assumed they offended his ancestors. But… not on that day. When I passed them to him he opened his mouth, "I don't need-" he had begun before stopping and placing them on his side.
"I know you don't need sweets," I replied, "I just figured you might want them."
He looked at me quizzically, gold eyes searching and questioning mine. It was as if I didn't understand something. And, really, I hadn't. Not at that time. I'd learn later why he gave me that look that evening and I'd learn why he only devoured them sometimes, but that evening I hadn't known. I hadn't the faintest inkling.
Inuyasha opened his mouth to speak again but stopped. His eyes going wide and shifting to the floor. I knew that look. It was a look of loss and almost pain. It meant the sun had set. It was the part of the night he hated the most. I usually let him be, knowing that there was nothing I could do for him other than accept him and keep his mind busy but that night it felt like there had been a weird distance that needed crossing.
It's hard to explain but I'll try. It felt like what had been normal - what our previous pattern had been - wasn't enoughanymore and that left me with this inexplicable feeling that if I stuck to what had been the norm that it not only wouldn't have been enough but would have left him needing more.
And I didn't want to leave him needing more.
So I reached out wordlessly, placing my hand over his and squeezed. I watched silently as the silver I cherished faded to ebony and the gold I idolized bled into something shy of black.
As we sat, a quiet moment passed between us with my hand laying over his while I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Inuyasha was practically gulping down air, refusing to look at me but he curled his fingers around mine all the same, accepting my touch, before taking a shaky breath and screwing his eyes shut, resigning himself to his temporary situation that he vehemently detested.
He looked so overwhelmed by his transformation that night that it broke my already distressed heart. Inuyasha's response was abnormally vivid and intense, even for the night of the new moon. In a strange way it… it had reminded me of the way I had reacted freshman year after he kissed me. Inuyasha had had a flash of panic run across his expression and I watched quietly as it seemed like a weight physically pushed down on his shoulders, making him smaller even though he hadn't shifted in the slightest. I'd seen him through many human nights over the years but I couldn't ever remember him having that strong of a reaction. Ever.
"Everything okay?" I mumbled as gently as I could, trying and failing to keep the worry out of my voice, unable to ignore the way his breathing was more ragged and belabored than it should have been for sitting in a blanket fort with your best friend.
"I'm fine," he bit out, brows furrowing and gaze narrowing as he glared at the floor in front of him, overly frustrated by something I wasn't privy to but was very curious about, being the nosy little queen I was.
I wanted to press him, I really did, because Inuyasha was clearly not fine but I always gave him extra space on his human nights. He'd tried to explain it to me before when we were younger and though I still didn't fully understand how the change affected him, Inuyasha had told me that it influenced more than his appearance and strength. He'd tried to explain that his emotions were so much more on those nights.
Still holding onto his hand, seeing him try and wade through all that he abruptly felt magnified, I couldn't help but see so much of my own internal strife reflected back at me. Inuyasha looked like I had felt over the past two years, just absolutely drowned by things that were or should have been normal.
I felt like I suddenly understood him a little better even though he wasn't saying anything because no wonder he fucking hated his human nights. I could very easily understand how tumultuous and overbearing emotions were exhausting and confusing. I hated seeing him struggle to process them knowing that the answers probably weren't as easy as they may have seemed while also being so desperate for easy resolutions.
So, even though I wasn't happy that Inuyasha had been a little terse with me, I let it go. I had never wanted to make his human nights worse for him and I didn't then either.
"Okay," I replied quietly. Leaving my hand over his, determined not to let go until he loosened his grip. I turned toward the laptop we had brought in for entertainment, happily exclaiming, "what should we watch first?"
"Whatever you want to," he murmured tonelessly, the heat from his hand clinging to mine.
"Hmmm," I hummed lowly, using my free hand to scroll through the options. I wasn't really going to pick something for me. I liked cliche teenage girl crap that made my king want to puke. I liked epic tales of love and romance conquering every obstacle, including a person's own obliviousness. He'd watch them with me because he was my best friend but Inuyasha never enjoyed them. In fact, he hated my picks and I didn't want that for him on that particular night. Not after the fight with Kikyo earlier that day and not after the sun had set. I wanted him to experience something enjoyable that evening instead.
I picked his favorite cartoon series from middle school. It had never failed me before.
Except… it had that night.
I smiled so broadly as I pressed play and pushed the laptop out for us both to see, thinking I had done good but as soon as his dark eyes flitted to the screen, Inuyasha reached forward and grabbed the computer, his hand leaving mine cold in the sudden absence of his warmth as he immediately stopped the show. I gawked in surprise as my king growled, scrolling until Inuyasha found the section of the streaming site that I normally lived in; the romantic comedies.
"Pick something you want," he insisted brusquely leaving no room to negotiate, his gaze meeting mine for the first time since his powers had evaporated.
"You won't like it…" I warned, searching his slate colored eyes for a better understanding of why my king was so abnormally sour and pained.
"I don't like a lot of things, that's nothing new," he responded vaguely, turning away from me.
I frowned, looking back at him as he pulled away. I had to ask, as his friend and as his queen, "are you-"
"Just pick something!" He exclaimed irately, biting down on the side of his cheek immediately after lashing out.
I huffed, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth then took the laptop back from him. Being gruff with me once or twice I could let slide on nights like that one but certainly not three times. "Are you going to tell me what's bothering you or just snap at me all night?" I asked, not meanly but firmly, looking through the titles I'd already seen to find an old favorite that I knew he didn't like per se but one I knew he found more tolerable than say The Notebook.
Yeah, Inuyasha didn't care much for kissing in the rain. Shocker.
"What is that supposed to mean?" He remarked defensively, crossing his arms over his chest before crossing his legs, bouncing a knee in agitation.
My frown deepened. Yeah, something was definitely up.
I stared back at him silently for a moment of dramatic emphasis before hearing him exhale loudly, watching him chew on his cheek. I could see the despondent and guilt-ridden way his face pinched as the thoughts moved in his mind. He never wanted to hurt me or be mean, that wasn't his nature. But as I've stated, Inuyasha wasn't good with his emotions and well, he was very clearly drowning in them that night. It left a painful pang in my chest as I opened my mouth to speak again.
He beat me to it.
"I…" He began, swallowing thickly, "I'm sorry for the way Kikyo treated you."
"It's okay-"
"It's not," he insisted harshly. I knew his anger wasn't directed at me as he spoke. It was towards her. My problem with his apology though was that… it didn't explain the look of pain and anguish that still marred his expression and so cruelly robbed him of his normal brilliance.
"I'm sorry too," I began, fidgeting with my fingers. "I-I shouldn't have come running to you and complaining to you about your girlfriend. I should have handled it better…"
He sighed loudly and irritatedly. If rolling your eyes had a sound it was that sigh Inuyasha had given me. I narrowed my gaze at him and waited. There was more there. I could feel it. It had my heart beating just a little faster and my hands feeling cold but clammy.
I was… nervous. Really nervous.
I felt like pushing him because I felt like we were approaching a tipping as we sat there and I felt so compelled to understand where we were heading. I was so desperate for it to be a different place than the one we'd been in since our first kiss.
I could see my hopes and wishes before me, my daydreams of holding his hand in public, of not merely being next to each other but cuddling into him, pressing my lips against him freely whenever the urge struck, flitting through my mind as I waited for more, silent prayers practically oozing out of my ears.
"Yash," I began, thinking he wasn't going to continue but needing a better understanding of the storm that was hurting him that evening.
He leaned back, his head resting on the lip of the couch behind us. "I…" Inuyasha started, staring up at the sheet above us. "I don't want to do this anymore…"
"Do what?" I pressed, my eyes widening as his words seemed to echo my thoughts while my doubts also made me uncomfortably anxious for an explanation.
"If… if Kikyo doesn't end it… I'm going to," he all but whispered, staring despondently up at the stupid sheet.
Look, I won't lie to you, my heart was leaping with joy at the idea because bye bitch! That joy was so minimal though because mostly what I felt in that moment was… shame. I looked down at my hands, wringing out my fingers and taking a minute to process what he'd told me.
"I… I'm so sorry…" I murmured, biting down on my lip because… had I caused that? Had I ruined them? A part of me understood that I hadn't, a part of me knew that from the beginning he wasn't as keen on her as I initially thought but I still felt so wracked by guilt based on the possibility that I could have been the reason he looked so lonely right then, even with me right next to him.
"You're thinking about it again, aren't you?" Inuyasha asked, rolling his head around to glare at me, a wan smirk tugging at one corner of his mouth.
"What?" I asked, genuinely confused.
"Whatever was making you anxious earlier," he clarified. "Stop it, whatever it is, it's probably wrong anyway," he murmured, turning away again.
"What do you know about my thoughts and feelings?!" I snipped defensively, frowning and looking down again because how the hell did he know all that without any of his enhanced senses?! Was I just that freaking obvious all the time?
Inuyasha rolled his eyes at me again, "I know you never liked her-"
Here's the thing… I know a lot of you would have just been happy at his admission, plainly, unabashedly happy that Inuyasha said that no matter what… he and Kikyo were done but I wasn't. I couldn't be. Not when he looked like that. Not when his voice sounded so weak and his eyes so defeated. Yes, I was very much looking forward to not having to deal with her anymore but I was worried that the cost to him of her being out of our lives was greater than I had thought it was.
And I hated that thought.
I was so torn, sitting in that childish blanket fort we'd built, feeling a cacophony of emotions bite at my heart relentlessly while I tried to make sense of what he was saying and what it all meant. Because, gather round kids, here's another thing…
We like to say that friends come first, that friends are more important than whoever we're dating but in practice that… that's not really how it seems to work…
Let me explain.
No one, or at least no one I know of, dreams of ending up growing old with all of their friends. No one dreams about a life of spinsterhood with all your pals until you all die. No one dreams about white picket fences and besties. What do we all look for? Lovers. Partners. Maybe it's Disney marketing, religious brainwashing, or even a desire for lower taxes, I don't know, but most of us dream of love and romance and all that junk with someone we can proclaim loudly is our person.
We dream of a form of intimacy that could only be fostered between two people so connected that not even physical or emotional nakedness are uncomfortable.
We dream of a singular person to share it all with.
A person to laugh with, to dance with, to wake up next to.
Who would Inuyasha do that all with if I constantly stood in that spot?
What's my point here?
It's a grey area.
The line between who and what is most important isn't as simple as friends first because, let's be real here, I would probably never like any girl he brought home for the simple fact that she wasn't me. So, if he followed that rigid line of reasoning - that friends came first no matter what - he would either end up alone or resent me in the end.
Neither were great options.
Romantic partners matter.
I mean… literally just watch any romantic comedy and you'll see that we desire a sense of connectedness with another person that a friendship can't really fulfill. Hello, why do you think that there are different titles for the different roles?!
And I'm not talking about being friends with your partner here… I'm talking about how we don't all decide to have children or build life-long commitments with our acquaintances/friends. Honestly, name one romance where a person finds 'happily ever after' with their super platonic pal?
I'll wait.
"You can't just not date someone because I'm not their biggest fan," I stated, interrupting Inuyasha but not looking at him. I left out that part about how if he did refuse to date someone solely on the grounds that I didn't like them that he might as well just join the priesthood because he was never going to end up in a long-term romantic thing.
"Yes I can…" He pushed back. "Would you date someone I hated?"
"I never said I hated Kikyo…" I deflected, while silently realizing that, well, shit, did nuns have recruiters? If so I'd probably have to get on top of that…
Inuyasha scoffed at me immediately, "ya didn't have to. It was obvious."
My lips pressed into a fine line and I looked away from him decidedly irate that he'd called me out like that and perceived me so easily and correctly. Rude as fuck.
"So, you are fine with dating someone I hate?" Inuyasha growled but not in an angry way, more of an oh-well-I-hadn't-realized-that… sort of way.
I snorted super elegantly in response. Clearly the answer was no because the only one I wanted to date was him but I just had to laugh a little at the question because he'd never liked any guy that I-
I stilled.
He…
Inuyasha never liked any guy I mentioned...
Sure, that wasn't quite the same as bringing them home or dating them but it… it mattered, right?
Inuyasha would he…?
"Would you ever like anyone I wanted to date?" I asked cautiously, cheeks burning a little. "I feel like you hate any guy I bring up…"
Inuyasha sat quietly for a minute before chuckling, "probably not…"
Oh, oh man. My poor little heart… It was beating so mercilessly fast as my mind raced with all the potential implications of that.
"Why is that?" I pressed, unintentionally grabbing at a lock of my hair and twirling it while I waited for him to answer.
He shrugged, not looking at me.
"So, what then?" I murmured, "are we never supposed to date someone else?" I had tried to make it sound like a joke but it came out sounding like a very genuine inquiry. My cheeks burned hotter and my chest felt like it was filled with really aggressive, blind butterflies smattering against my inner walls as I waited for him to answer. I hazarded the opportunity to look at him.
Inuyasha was still looking up at the sheet, a wry half-smile on his face as he scratched idly at the side of his head, thinking about it. "I dunno, I guess…"
"Yash, are you telling me you're swearing off dating after one relationship?" I teased, thankful that he was human because if he were in his normal form Inuyasha would undoubtedly realize that I was a mess of fear and confusion with a dusting of excitement I couldn't easily explain.
He sneered, dark eyes meeting mine for the briefest of moments before he reached forward, grabbing the laptop. "I don't see what was wrong with anything when it was just us… is all I'm saying," he mumbled quietly, clicking on his favorite show from middle school, the sound of which began quietly filling in the space between us as my heart began a guttural screech that rang through my brain.
"Right, because you'd never want anything more than what we are?" I scoffed before grimacing. I hadn't really meant to say that out loud but… I mean, I did… I'd heard it, I had heard my own voice. I bit down on my lip and just stared at the laptop because fuck me you're not supposed to ask questions you don't want the answer to.
But, actually, I… I did want the answer. That was a scary realization to have because for months I really hadn't wanted to confront any of it.
Inuyasha sneered but didn't say anything.
I frowned and narrowed my gaze in his direction, playfully shoving him, "what was that?"
The look he gave me had me second guessing my desire to know the answer to my question because it was so distant and forlorn it literally made me queasy, silencing all those screaming thoughts and forcing a chill through my system instead. I stared at him, confused and afraid. What was that look? What was he…
"Yash, what is it?" I inquired, refusing to let it go when he held onto that expression that I didn't recognize from any other interaction he and I had had over the years.
Inuyasha shrugged again, looking away and watching the cartoon in front of him. "I'm not really all that worried about long term relationships," he all but whispered. "That's more a you concern," he finished.
"I don't understand…" because I really didn't. What the hell did that even mean?
He sighed loudly, "I don't really think I'll ever have anything like that."
I recoiled because um why?! "Why not?" I pushed, more desperately than I intended.
If he had his normal ears I was sure they would have been pulled back like an angry cat or something as he glared forward. Inuyasha remained silent, nonverbally refusing to divulge more even as I leaned in, feeling like he was yanking my life line away from me and leaving me to drown, alone and cold, in an unforgiving ocean.
He didn't want to talk to me about it but I couldn't understand.
Why was he acting like he was doomed to a life of solitude? I shoved him lightly again, looking at him with angry and sad eyes. I wouldn't let it go. I needed to understand. It, whatever it was, looked like it sat nestled too deeply in his heart for it to be ignored.
Inuyasha tilted his head, slate-colored eyes narrowing as he looked at me in a manner that suggested I should have already known full well what he was referring to.
"What is that face for?" I spat, moving forward and shoving the laptop away so he couldn't use it as a distraction anymore.
He looked away from me, glaring at the sheet above him.
"Yash," I continued, "why… what is so bad that you won't tell me about it?" The irony of my question was hitting me strong that night because even as I sat there pushing him to tell me something he was uncomfortable with, it really struck home that I knew that there were things I wasn't telling him, like, for example, that I pictured his scowling face every time I heard a beautiful love song on the radio… but that was neither here nor there…
I slumped in my spot as I thought about it. He and I… we were never really as dissimilar as I thought and as I mentally recounted all the things I hadn't told him about I realized that if I had kept those things from him he had probably done the same on some level.
That's when I began to understand that it, the look in his eyes and the statement that he'd never have the type of love I constantly watched on T.V. and in movies or heard in my playlists, was his insecurity. Mine had been boobs and beans and titty strings but he, Inuyasha, had something about himself that he was uncomfortable with too.
And I wanted to know, I wanted to understand. I knew, first hand, how shitty those insecurities could feel. I also knew how blessed I'd felt every time Inuyasha had managed to remind me that I was more than my doubts. I wanted to be able to provide that comfort for him…
"I'll make you a trade," I offered. Inuyasha cocked a brow, looking at me through his periphery in slight intrigue. "I'll tell you something you want to know, anything, just ask me."
He sighed and frowned but he didn't reject my offer. I sat, silently waiting, watching him and wondering what insecurity of his made him feel so unwanted that he let himself think he'd never find love. Inuyasha opened his eyes and turned to face me, a slight blush painted on his cheeks that stood out in stark contrast to his scowl, "why has Miroku seen your boobs?"
"Oh god," I mumbled, my entire face turning crimson and eyes going wide. I winced as I answered but I answered because… that was the whole point of that right? To show him that I had debilitating insecurities too? Ugh. "Um, well, you see, erm…" I stammered. Inuyasha waited, frowning at me as I fidgeted with my fingers. It was so much harder to actually say it than just think it…
I smiled a wan, awkward thing of a smile and closed my eyes trudging forward because he was my goddam king and I couldn't back down now. "Because I didn't know what size bra I should have been wearing last year… and I was goingto just figure it out later by myself but then Sango undressed me-"
"What?!" He exclaimed, blinking in shock.
Oh for the love of…
I buried my face in my hands, "she was trying to make me feel better about my body! And-and she took off my sweater! I wasn't naked!" I exclaimed, unable to face him. I just, fuck, making him feel more comfortable was awful. "S-Sango had said that Miroku had helped her and well… they both dragged me into a dressing room and he… Well, Miroku wasn't wrong, so yeah…" I trailed off.
Inuyasha sat silently and I risked peeking out through a slit between my fingers to look at him. He was gaping at me. I had half a mind to yell at him for making me feel so embarrassed and remind him that anytime in the past that I had brought up the lovely changes my body underwent to him that he'd fake-gagged or stuttered angrily.
"Would you stop looking at me like that?!" I whined, pointing a finger at him. "I know you see me as a freaking bean turd with milk coming out her nose but I needed help! And-and it's not like Miroku actually saw anything! You've seen more!"
"I promise I haven't," he answered back quickly, eyes wide as he fell silent while just blinking at me.
I snorted, "oh please. The red bikini?" Titty strings, the titty strings, in case you forgot… "That covers less than my bras and stuff," I grumbled, defensively crossing my arms over my chest as if that would do a good job of hiding them.
"Right…"
I tossed a glare at him, "okay… well… your turn." He stopped looking shocked and his face fell into a displeased frown. "Tell me, why-why do you think you'll end up alone?"
He silently lifted a single hand in front of him, disdainfully looking at it as he flexed his fingers and rotated it around, as if examining his human features anew. I crooked a brow as I was hit with a sinking feeling that made me sick.
Some of his words from earlier that day bubbled to the surface as I sat there, staring at his expression while Inuyasha all but glared at his own features.
"Probably would have enjoyed it more if it were Hojo. Seeing as demons aren't your thing…"
He… I looked at him again, seemingly with new eyes noticing just how much he reviled a part of himself that was so integral to his entire existence and it felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.
"Is it…" I began, resisting the urge to cry as I almost stopped myself from asking all together but pushed forward, praying that I was being paranoid, "because you're half-demon?" He didn't answer but the set in his jaw was all the confirmation I needed. "What the fuck?!" I spat forcefully, not from anger but from a place of pain on his behalf.
Who else did I need to add to my list of comedic justice?! Had Kikyo made him feel that way?! I would make her death a slow and painful one if she had…
Inuyasha glared at me after my outburst and it hurt. I sat stunned into silence because he was looking at me. That probably sounds dumb because, duh, he was glaring at me so obviously his eyes were pointed in my direction but that isn't what I'm trying to say here. I'm saying that the anger and pain in his gaze… he was looking at me not because I was there but Inuyasha was looking at me like I had caused it.
Which… no. Absolutely not. That… that could not stand.
My heart cracked and crumbled into dust in my chest leaving only agony in its wake as I stared back at him, my mouth going dry, waiting for an explanation that he wasn't offering.
"Yash… I need-I need more information than that," I informed, moving closer to him and almost gasping when he moved away. I narrowed my eyes and glowered, moving closer toward him still. "Yash," I demanded, my eyes scalding as tears began to collect in them.
"Wh-why are you giving me that look?" I begged but he turned away.
I yanked on his nearest forelock and forced him to face me. When his eyes met mine I spoke but it wasn't a question.
"Inuyasha."
Yup, I-I went nuclear.
I felt I had to.
Our emergency safe word, I was… I could feel the tide rising. I was panicking. I'd hurt him and I needed to know whenand how. Immediately. I wasn't asking. I wouldn't let him wiggle out of that one.
I'd invoked the safe word which meant Inuyasha either answered my question or I left.
He forced his eyes shut, lip curling into a pained snarl. "You…" his face scrunched and his voice was weak. He reallydidn't want to say anything, I could see that. He was more uncomfortable than I'd ever seen him. "At the party…"
"What party?" I pressed hurriedly. Was it about Koga?
"Freshman year…"
My mouth opened but I stiffened.
No… was he… he couldn't have been-
I could barely hear him, my brain screaming and scrambling because it was slowly making sense to me that I alreadyknew what I'd done. I just hadn't ever apologized to him or explained and oh god…
I heard him mention spin the bottle and I immediately slumped.
"Why…" I interrupted, "why would that make you think…" I felt weak and dizzy, reliving those moments through terrified eyes, not my own, but his.
"Be-because you had a panic attack after spin the bottle!" He snarled, "you're my quee-best friend… and you had a meltdown-"
"Stop!" I cried, lifting my hands up for emphasis as he perceived me with such open pain and fear that had my heart dying a slow and painful death. Those were two emotions I never wanted to see in him, let alone directed at me. "I didn't… I didn't panic-"
"Yes you did!" Inuyasha spat, face scrunching into a snarl, "the stench of your anxiety and repulsi-"
"Stop!" I sobbed, a suffocating silence fell like a hurricane between us. My chest was heaving up and down, my cheeks burning hotter than the fires of hell as I swallowed thickly. I was looking without focusing, my eyes just darting around as my mind crawled through all my memories and life lessons desperately grappling for something to help me because I was terrified at that moment.
I needed to fix what I had broken but I had had no idea how or whether I was equipped to do so without harming him further. I mean… Which was worse? Thinking your best friend finds you gross romantically or finding out that your best friend has been having secret, very non-platonic fantasies and dreams about you for roughly two years? Neither seemed very comforting…
"I don't… I don't understand," he murmured.
I bit down hard on my lip and used every ounce of willpower I had to look at him. He was looking back at me, his head tilted to the side like a confused puppy, eyes searching for something to grab hold of because he looked about as off balance as I was afraid. I was thankful he didn't have his normal senses because it would have only added fuel to the fire that was his volatile emotional vulnerability.
I was a shaking, weak mess, flailing in a desperate acrobatic twist to escape the corner I'd inadvertently backed myself into.
"Yash," I murmured, blinking back the tears and swallowing my own discomfort knowing that he needed me. "There's nothing you could do that would make me find you repulsive."
He didn't believe me. I could see it on his face. To Inuyasha his senses never lied, but people did. I could see him turning things around in his head still, trying to reconcile my panic attack with what I was telling him then, wanting to believe me but not sure what that really meant.
We were both so oblivious back then, it's amazing we ever made it out.
"I know you didn't want to-" He began, the edges of his gaze sharpening as he picked at the wrong side of the explanation.
His words from earlier that day at lunch echoed in my mind… The way he'd immediately been angered over Koga's presence, the way he'd looked so pained when I'd told Sango Koga's fleeting garbage kiss meant less than nothing, and then they way he'd thrown Hojo back into my face despite Hojo being nothing more than a friend I saw between classes. Inuyasha was lumping himself in with them and he… he was so wrong…
He had no idea how devastating he was for me. How large his presence loomed in my mind, in my heart.
"For fuck's sake," I grumbled, my mind failing to find the words before I pushed myself up and leaned over toward him. My king had never been one for words and in a split second of wanting that absolute misery to end I figured actions would probably speak loudest. So… I acted. My hands dove into his midnight, silky soft hair, pulling him over to me.
I looked straight into his eyes watching everything that passed through them up close and personal, the shock, the fear, the confusion, all swirling in his gaze as I gently rested my forehead against his. I was still out of breath and in painbecause he… I needed him to stop.
I needed him to understand but he understood actions better than words.
When I had needed him, when I thought I was losing him, he'd come for me. He'd shown up at my doorstep in the morning and he'd held me. That was the language he spoke.
Touch.
It's why I'd reached for his hand earlier in the evening.
It's why I reached for him then. I liked words, usually. It was our biggest difference; how we communicated.
I needed to hear things like him telling me I was beautiful when I thought he found Kikyo more visually pleasing. I needed to hear him tell me that I was important to him. I needed to hear him.
But Inuyasha?
Well, his dog ears were gone and his hearing was shit. His nose that sniffed out lies was useless which all meant that… I need to reach him through the one sense that he didn't doubt.
He needed to feel me.
So, I held him, my hands cupping his face as I came as close as I could to him, a thumb unconsciously sweeping over his cheek as I bit down on my lip and tried to steady my breathing.
I wanted to kiss him so badly, so fucking badly, and banish all that agony in his heart but there were several things stopping me from doing that.
First and foremost, that was not the time for that. I was righting a wrong. Kissing him and calling that the end of it would have cheapened my touch and the last thing I ever wanted was to cheapen our relationship or to have a bad memory of his kiss.
I know that my romantic comedies that I loved so much they often did cheapen physical touch. So many of my favorite movies and shows just threw kisses and sex around like they were the epitome of intimacy versus merely just another action that humans partake in.
It's not to say that these acts can't be intimate but that's what I'm trying to explain is that the context of the moment changes the meaning. Inuyasha was expressing how much I upset him with how I responded to his quick kiss, how my actions had been misinterpreted and had left a long-festering wound in his heart that I should have corrected much, much sooner.
We both knew it wasn't the kiss itself that upset him. It was that I had run from him after a kiss. I was his queen… He'd been fighting for me even if I didn't always hear it because well… it wasn't in his words. It never had been but I had been so blind.
I took in a long breath, closing my eyes, our noses brushing lightly and I…
I giggled nervously at the sensation of feeling his heat and the tip of his nose against mine.
I opened my eyes and his were still there, so was the confusion but the pain was less so. He was more intrigued and I swear I could see his cheeks color. I hadn't meant to giggle but I just… It felt so natural being so close to him like that and I knew, I knew, that wasn't normal between friends. He wasn't pulling away from my touch even in the slightest.
"What?" He pressed, his voice thicker than normal, making my heart stammer and stutter.
"Your nose…" I murmured, brushing the tip of my nose across his again. We'd only ever been that close before once - in that damn basement and never for that long. "It was cold last time I felt it."
During spin the bottle.
The second reason I didn't kiss him? Because he was human.
In case you forgot, Inuyasha hates being human. And his insecurities were about being half… He wasn't half anything there. At least, not to him. To my king, he wasn't himself.
If or when I kissed him again it wouldn't be when he was feeling vulnerable or lost. It would be when he could feel comfortable in his skin and not have any lingering doubts as to why I had risked our friendship for it.
Our lips were close then. I could feel the heat of his shallow breaths and I'm sure he could feel mine but what made my breath hitch was that a moment later I could feel the pressure of his hand coming up and wiping away a stray tear of mine I hadn't realized was there.
"I want to be very clear," I murmured as I tilted my head, leaning into his hand. "I love you. Okay? There are no qualifications or limitations to that…"
"Kags-"
"Yash," I stated firmly, "you'll never be alone… I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I would never leave you. Date who you want. All I care about is that you're happy."
The third reason I didn't kiss him?
Kikyo.
They were still together, technically, and I… I wasn't going to step in between that while I was in the middle of telling him that he was a goddamn moron for ever thinking he'd be alone. I had adhered myself to him one damn cinnamon heart at a time and I wasn't letting go. I held his gaze for another moment before I slowly pulled away.
It hurt. It really did, putting that space back between us when it felt so much more right to be within a breaths distance of him. I put on a wan smile as I felt a shiver run down my spine, air colder than the surface of our skin coming to fill the new space between us, that damn cartoon the only sound in the room. I could barely hear it over my thundering heart.
He swallowed thickly, eyes looking unfocused at the space I had just occupied, a strange heaviness in them.
I bit down on my lip.
I don't think either of us knew what to say at that point and I was growing uncomfortable with the silence.
I felt uncomfortable because holding him like that had felt so much more intimate than the kiss and I wasn't running or hiding. I was sitting right there, unmoving. While I had wanted it to be more intimate because I wanted him to know that I wasn't lying, I also, well… I was scared.
Where did we go from there?
I didn't know for sure but goddammit I needed something…
He was still looking at the floor with that gaze that was far off but it wasn't angry and I seized the opportunity.
I did want all mature teens do…
I licked his face.
Yup.
I know.
I told you my maturity was staggering as a child and well… I wish it was better as a teen.
It wasn't.
His eyes were too cloudy, too tumultuous for me to stand, I had to do something to bring us both back… to bring us back to being us again, before he thought that I would ever say no to him.
I reached out, grabbing him again before I playfully dragged my tongue from his jaw line to his very human ear.
"What the fuck, Kags?!" He exclaimed, falling back after I released him, the back of his hand immediately going to wipe off his cheek.
"That's payback," I stated in a huff, as he looked up at me with bewildered indignation.
"For what?!" He growled. I pretended not to notice the way Inuyasha seemed out of breath after having caressed the side of my face to wipe away a tear and I glowered back down at him.
"For ever thinking that I would revile you in any way shape or form!" I spat, crossing my arms over my chest. "I love you and everything that you are. I can't believe you didn't say anything for two years!"
I could actually… but he didn't need to know that… I was, after all, going to tell him everything. Don't worry… we're getting there friends. Pinky promise.
If he had been confused before I had no idea what to think of Inuyasha's expression after I'd licked him other than truly, deeply, disturbingly stumped, still wiping at the saliva on his face.
"Uh, well, um," he sputtered loudly and aggressively, looking at me incredulously and acting as if I had offended him. "What was I supposed to think?! You literally turned white and hid from me!"
"I was overwhelmed and Naraku was staring! It was weird!"
"He's always been a little bitch, you knew that when you wanted to play the damn game!"
"I didn't want you to be uncomfortable!"
"Oh, so it's all my fault?!"
"Hey!" I exclaimed, "don't make me lick you again," threatening and emphasizing said threat with a pointer finger directed between those eyes that held the universe and all its splendor within them. I swallowed harshly before continuing because, god, did I want to just toss my little body on top of his and kiss him until I asphyxiated. "My point is… I'll always love you, as a half-demon, as a human, in whatever form you're in because… you're yo-"
I cut myself off, my shoulders slumping.
"You're you."
That's what he'd told me… when I… and Kikyo… and… and…
Holy.
Fuck.
I sat there, mouth hanging open, finger still weakly pointing at him, staring at nothing and everything because. I was such a dumbass…
"You're you," I finished, nearly whispering.
Inuyasha sighed, dramatically wiping off the remnants of my spit from his cheek before grumbling, "love you too, Kags."
I turned away from him, still reeling because… it was coming together, all of it. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I was spiraling next to him and so ignorant of the fact that Inuyasha's eyes were still on me, totally oblivious to the devious smirk that spread across his face as I mindlessly reached forward, grabbing the laptop to rewind the cartoon because I needed a goddam second to process.
"You're you." I got it. I fucking understood which meant that-
It was then that Inuyasha got his pay back.
"Ew!" I cried in abject shock, feeling his tongue slide across the entire left side of my face. He broke into a fit of laughter as I began wiping off my face on his pillow. "Oh my god, I think you got my eye!"
"I didn't, calm down," he laughed, watching my face contort in disgust. "Still don't find me repulsive?"
"Ugh," I teased, swatting at him, "no. But man! I wasn't expecting it to feel like that!" I replied, looking at him again, nearly dying from joy as I noticed that his smile reached his eyes again and how he looked less encumbered than he had moments earlier. Reflexively, I smiled back at him, sincerely, deeply hoping that what I had been trying to say to him sank in.
"What were you expecting?!" Inuyasha was still laughing, his words barely wisps of language between sucking in air. Evidently the face I had made was quite entertaining for him.
"I don't know… like… a kiss from a puppy?! Not like a warm slug crawling up my face!"
He doubled over as I finally sat up straight again, ignoring my puppy comment in favor of trying to breathe. I looked over at him and couldn't help but smile, even if I could still smell his spit drying on my cheek, at least he was happy again.
We settled down shortly after that as we began re-watching the first season of his show. By season four I was beginning to fade, a large yawn breaking free, emotionally exhausted from the entire day.
"Just go to bed," he groaned. "You're tired."
"Just go to bed," I mocked, because, well, I was too tired to think of a half-decent response. You try to stay up all night after fighting with Inuyasha and Kikyo all day! Jeez.
"What are you going to do about Kikyo?" I murmured meekly, eye lids a little too heavy for my liking.
"Not sure," he mumbled. I'd never notice the way Inuyasha looked down at me then, the way his gaze picked apart my features for something, a clue or a hint, into what I was thinking or even hoping for him to do.
Really though, I didn't want to tell him what he should do. If he wanted Kikyo… he should have been with Kikyo and mended that relationship.
Regardless, I drifted to sleep against my will, the tired ache at the back of my eyes finally too much for me to bare, just as he was working up the courage to clarify where we, he and I, stood. But I wouldn't hear it, I'd already be in a different world. He'd roll his eyes and keep watching the show pretending that he'd never said anything at all.
And, right before sunrise, I would wake up, overheated to find that he was the source of the problem. He had fallen asleep…
Inuyasha…
Had fallen asleep…
On his human night…
Laying next to me, a single arm draped over my stomach, keeping me close.
I should have understood that, especially at our age and after the things that we'd been through. But, really it just reminded me of how things had been every Friday that had mattered, before Kikyo, when things had felt more stable. Before Kikyo, he and I had woken up like that a dozen times.
I had missed it so much.
It felt like he was finally coming back to me instead of what it really was, which was an expression of what he felt about me. I wasn't just Kags to him… I was home.
And you always feel safe at home, even if you're only human.
He stirred not long after I woke up, the darkness a little less dark as the sun climbed its way above the horizon; the moonless night coming to an end.
I looked away for a brief second, trying to view the window through the sheets. Then I felt it. If he hadn't been laying that close to me I would have missed it entirely. It made me jump even as his grip tightened. It was like the beat of a heart, but it reverberated through his entire chest.
I bit my lip watching.
Countless nights I had been there with him for his human episodes but I had always managed to miss the brief and exact moment he returned to himself.
My eyes were glued to him then. I held my breath, feeling claws extend along the side of my body where his hand was, watching with rapture as the black slithered away, replaced by the iridescent silver I wished I could enshrine myself in. I bit down harder on my lip, trying not to squeal as his ears poked out again, feeling like I had witnessed something just as brilliant and exciting as a child taking their first steps, and when I finally looked down I saw eyes of molten amber looking back up at me.
Oh my king… repulsive was not the word I had had in my mind to describe him.
Not then, not ever.