"Because it is my goddamn fault!" he was standing, yelling, his voice raspy and he was holding back the tears.
She was sitting, leaning over the table, looking him right in the eyes and by the way he was saying and acting, she could understand his feelings. All the guilt and angst behind the wall he had always built.
"No, Harvey, it's not. It's Mike's fault as much as yours." her voice was a little bit softer now, different from before, when she had yelled at him.
"So why should I be the one to throw him under the bus?" he looked defeated, lost. He was now holding the chair he was sitting minutes before. It looks like the chair could be somewhat supportive to him and help him to not drop on his knees.
"Don't you get it: I'm not asking you to throw him under the bus. I am asking you to have faith that you are both worth it." she said firmly.
That's how they worked together: when one of them was about to fall, the other got strong, and this time, he needed her to be the strongest one for him and for the firm, and she knew it.
"And what if I can't do this?" He was really lost and talking to Donna always helped him to organize his ideas. She was his compass. Like she said the night they met: She understands people better than they understand themselves.
"So you can go to Gibbs' office tomorrow morning and turn yourself in." She paused. "But I don't want you to do that." She gulped.
"Why not?" He asked, His head down.
"Because I think you're worth it" his head was up and he was looking straight at her face, staring at her deeply. He didn't expect her to say that. His heart was beating too fast, but the tears had already dried.
"And I don't wanna lose you." She admitted, staring back at him. Now her heart was beating fast too and it felt like it could drop out of her chest. She was afraid of losing him, and nervous to finally admit it in this situation.
He ran away as he always did when the subject got too deep or personal about their relationship, but she couldn't blame him, nor ask for something more. Not now, not this way. He acknowledging it or not, Mike was his best friend and he was about to lose him.
She standed up, following him till the door. "Harvey-" She called him before he was too far down the corridor. He turned so they could stare at each other. She leant on the door.
"Go to the courthouse in the morning, sit with Mike until that verdict comes in, and show him that you have faith in him-" she took a breath. "Like I have faith in you." He didn't answer anything and left.
The door behind him was now closed and the second before that, Donna gave in. Maybe, he would do the same, except for the fact that he knew he needed someone else to help him with what was in his mind, and he didn't have time to deal with his feelings.
Donna's words were looping through all the way "And I don't wanna lose you." He didn't want to lose her either. He would never be ready to lose her. He had tasted it months before, when she decided to move to Louis' desk and it was one of the worst moments of his entire life. He literally started having panic attacks because she left him.
He had been working on his abandonment issues, knowing that the score of his problems was much deeper and older than she leaving him, and he acknowledged that it doesn't matter how it happend, seeing her leaving would absolutely crush him.
However he didn't want to lose her; he could not let Mike - in the best fit of his personal and work life- lose everything he had. The kid had already lost so much. He grew up without his parents - they died in a car accident. Was raised by his late grandmother and since the moment the kid started at Pearson Hardman, he lost his childhood best friend. Otherwise, he knew that Mike had found the love of his life and had all the skills to be a terrific attorney.
It was unfair to the kid that had been through so much and had achieved so much to lose everything he had conquered in his life. Was he able to handle losing everything again? Harvey didn't know, but what he knew was that he wouldn't test it.
He was now staring at another familiar door, but not so usually visited, as the 206 door he was staring at minutes later. He knocked three times before the image of his boss-partner-mentor-friends appeared on.
"Harvey-" The woman said in a mix of confusion and worry.
"Jessica, I have a decision to make and I need to talk with you right here, right now" he went straight to the point. His voice is calm and firm. She let him in.
"Do you want to have a shot?" she offered, walking to the balcony. There was a glass already used: she had been drinking before.
"Please" he answered, waiting for her to pour them the drink. When she finished, she gave him a glass, sitting on the sofa. Both of them were comfortable on each seat. "I want to turn myself in, to Anita Gibs" he was playing with the amber liquid, not being able to look directly at the woman in front of him.
"Harvey, you don't have to" she was about to say something more, but he interrupted her.
"I do, Jessica" he said resounded "I was the one who hired a fraude. I was the one who had hidden this from you, from Louis, the entire firm. It was me who forced you to keep Mike after you discovered it. It was me who put you all in this position. It is not fair you all take the blame for something I did!" His voice broke.
"No, Harvey. You were the one who started this but each one of us made the decision to keep hiding it and to support you. And I am sure we would do it all again. You gave that child a life he never ever imagined he could have. You gave him something to pursue for his future and this made him rebuild his own confidence. You, somehow, gave him the love of his life." she said softly, trying to comfort him.
"And that's for what?" he threw it. "So he could see all he could get and then suddenly have all of this be taken away from him?" He was angry and carried all the guilt with him.
"Harvey, you know this isn't the end, don't you? The verdict isn't decided yet and we don't know if the result will be good or not. You need to have faith" he laughed and took another gulp of his drink.
"It was exactly what she said" he looked at her again.
"And we both know she is always right, as usual." There's no need to be some kind of genius to know which she they were talking about.
"It is you turn, white boy" she smiled, raising her glass and leading in his direction. "Could you please pour some generous shots because I can feel that we haven't finished and I don't know if we'll end it anytime soon" he took her glass and took his way to the counter.
"I don't disagree with you, Jessica. Maybe I've never been able to truly disagree with you" whilst he was pouring them another shot.
"Oh c'mon Harvey, you've been saying 'no' to me since day one" she was not saying this in an accusation tone, in fact, she was trying to tease him.
"Yeah, you're right" he smiled and gave her the glass. "The point here is - I do know that Mike's life would be something different as hell if we hadn't done what we did. But we have to have a backup plan and I get one. I just needed to have a chat with you, to have your agreement, because this plan will directly impact the firm"
"Harvey".
"Jessica, listen to me. I need you and me to be on the same page here and we need to move as fast as we can, and we don't have much time" he said firmly. "All right, Harvey. I'm all ears" she said.
"Do you know this could be the end of your career, don't you?" she asked after they both dug into the whole plan. "I do and I don't actually care. I can start over somewhere else" he shrugged.
"You belong to New York, Harvey. You belong to Pearson Specter Litt" there was heaviness in her voice. "And I always belong, as much as I have you all around, even with all this shit happening." he finished what was his fifth glass of scotch.
"Have you told her yet?" she crossed her arms, looking at him.
"No" he lowered his head thinking about the situation.
"You should"
"I know I should, but I can't. If I tell her-" he took a deep breath.
"You won't be able to do what you are supposed to do." she said what he could not admit out loud and she could see him nodding in affirmation. Her words "I don't wanna lose you!" echoing in his head.
He would not be able to tell her what he was about to do and see pain and sadness in her hazel eyes - knowing it was him who made her feel that way. That would break her, and witnessing that before he completed his due would affect him in a way that he wouldn't be able to execute the whole plan, and the decision should be up to the court.
"So we can agree with all the terms, right?" That's all he needed to know to finally finish the subject. "Now we have to tell Louis when the time comes, so we can guarantee he won't try to do something to stop me. And only when it's close enough we will tell him his part of the plan" he picked his suit on the chair.
"I should get going." He declared, and Jessica led him to the door.
"Good night Harvey" she nodded, and gave him a smile in support
"Good night, Jessica" he smiled back and then took his way home.
The next day would define a lot of things in his own life -and others- and he needed to be minimally ready to face it.
Author's Note: This is a translation of the history I wrote in my native language: Portuguese.
So, how I have a lot of gratitude for them in the original, this translation wouldn't be any different: I would like to say a big thank you to Erika and Pam for being so supportive. If it was not all your reviews and feedback this one would not be done.
A big THANK YOU to Theo, my beta for doing this for me even you caring "-4 for this ship" and the fandom. Love you, my alien! 3
In advance, I'm warning you, this fic is not M-rated. Possibly in the last chapters but I'll warn you if this turns into something 'dirty' than it planned to be. Also warning you that as much I try to put these lovely characters close to what we saw on the show sometimes something could be out of character.
Due to poetic license I can headcanon whatever I want. Consider this a warning, stay tuned. ;)
And last but not least important: thank you, who are reading this for the very first time. I hope you enjoy the ride down here. Please let me know if you like it or not. It is very important to me and all those who are out there writing something for this fandom!
Bye, Jana :)