Chapter Four - 48 hours
The flight back to New York was as regular and smooth as the trip to Boston, the biggest difference being that Harvey was less uptight since he had already said goodbye to his brother. On the other hand, he could feel another weight on his back once he was back in town. He still needed to talk to Donna.
After disembarking he asked for a taxi in the airport and, despite the hour, he gave the driver a different address, not him. Once he arrived there, he paid the driver and walked through the main lobby, took the lift and walked towards her apartment.
He stopped in front of the 206's door, holding the bag he'd packed for the trip in his left hand. Some memories came to his mind (the other time, that God awful dinner party, his visit the year before when he had told her he loved her, which lead to her moving to Louis' desk, the time when he asked for her help when he was fighting with the other nominal partner and his most recent visit a few days ago when she confessed that she didn't want to lose him and how her words echoed in his head over the last days, and how much weight those words had for him). Each memory passed like a flash in his mind during the seconds he waited in front of her door, taking the courage to knock and, when he finally knocked , she didn't answer.
He insisted on a few more knocks, even appealing for her saying it was him and that he wouldn't leave without talking to her, but everything was in vain. Either she really wasn't home or she was upset enough to not answer him. If it was the second option, he would respect her decision.
He hung around for about 30 minutes before giving up, but first he said goodbye out loud. "If you are there, listening to me, I'm leaving now but I really want and need to talk to you before I go for real. We need to talk, Donna!"
When she left her apartment she was very convinced of what she needed to do and how to do it, but her courage was dissipating as the taxi approached his condo. The courage was almost zero when she finally arrived at his door.
She knocked a few times but he didn't answer. She tried a few more times in the following 15 minutes but with no success. He probably was not home so she took her copy of the key and entered the place.
Donna's first instinct was to do a quick search through the penthouse to be sure he wasn't lying in some corner of one of the rooms. To her relief, he was not. In fact, he was anywhere at the house. She then pushed away the negative thoughts and apprehension she'd previously felt.
She picked up her cell phone, calling to his office, to his direct line. To her surprise, it was Gretchen who answered, the secretary clarified that he wouldn't be working for the next few days and that he was actually on a trip to Boston. She thanked her colleague and ended the call, leaving her cell phone on the kitchen counter there.
Again, she was surprised but she could completely understand him going to Boston to visit his family. Harve was indeed a workaholic and she had never seen him, in all the years they were working together, taking vacations or not working for whatever reason.
When his father passed away, she practically forced him to go to the funeral. He used to build a wall around his feelings and hide everything, working even harder under the cases he had to deal with. She knew this time was different and it was completely reasonable for him to say goodbye to his family before he went to jail.
She made herself comfortable and poured a glass of scotch from one of the bottles that was displayed on the stand right by the fireplace. The room was totally silent and completely empty, it was almost ready for its owner's absence.
Her gaze swept the apartment and it was captivated by something she had given him years ago, and days before when she went there to say she would be back to his desk, she had also taken by surprise to see that after all the time, it was alive.
The little cactus was standing on the centre table, a little bit bigger than it was when she gave it to him. She couldn't help but smile. Add this time his line "I am more sentimental than you think" and for a couple of seconds she wondered what that meant.
She sipped a few of the ambar liquid before starting to walk through the rooms. Everything was perfectly placed which was at the same time weird and obvious. Weird because it was Harvey and he was not the type that would do domestic activities. Obviou because, considering the time he would spend at the office and the time he would spend at his apartment, he barely had time to litter. Add to that, the fact that she knew he usually took his clothes to a dry cleaner and his house was also handled by someone else.
It had passed about an hour and she was still there, waiting for him to come home. She had already had two glasses of scotch and while she was pouring herself the third one she remembered why she was there. It was because of Mike and Rachel's wedding, she needed to talk to him about it. With that in mind, she went to his room.
The place was large, minimalist with magnificent scenery. There wasn't a door really, just a big opening that in theory served as one, just to indicate the separation from one room to another. The bed was laid out perfectly. Her imagination about that bed flew a little far and she let her fingers touch the fabric of the sheets as she walked around the furniture.
She was deep in some thoughts when she heard the noise coming from the main door and hurried out of there. It was him, the confrontation that had been avoided was coming.
"Donna-" he was looking at her, confused. He put the keys on the kitchen counter, next to what he thought was her cell phone. "Why are you-" he didn't want to ask her that. It was obvious why she was there but it was almost like an impulse and so he didn't finish the sentence.
She was staring at him seriously, with her arms almost crossed under her chest (she was still holding the glass of whiskey), leaning against the frame of what was supposed to be the door to his bedroom. Her hair was loose, like she used to wear it on a daily basis, , with small waves and volume, and she was wearing a black long-sleeved blouse and jeans.
"I came to ensure that our son has a place to stay." She undone her arms and went to the center table where the little cactus was on, the cactus she had given him years ago. She put the glass on the table and took the vase, swinging it in the air.
The relief in his body came like a big wave. He was already tense because he didn't find her at the apartment so they could talk. On the way to her house what he wanted to talk about was in a loop on his mind but once she wasn't there, everything had changed. Now that Donna was there, in front of him, in his house, he was no longer ready to talk to her.
He had lost his nerve on the way to the penthouse and the courage faded even more when he saw her. She was wearing casual clothes, which he wasn't used to seeing at work. She was looking pale and had dark circles under her eyes starting to reach a much more coloring dark. Seeing her like that made all the courage he had dug into somewhere he couldn't access now.
She was visibly crestfallen and he could feel the guilt reach each part of his body. He hated himself for being the one causing this level of pain on her.
When he heard the word "son" come out of her mouth, his heart stopped for a hundredths of a second. His confused gaze went straight to her stomach before she started to walk to the table place in front of the fireplace. In the meantime, for a moment he was thinking that Donna got pregnant after the other time and had hidden it from him, but that was nonsense considering the fact that 1- they had seen each other for almost every day since then and 2- it was biologically impossible of her to still be pregnant
When she swaged the vase he smiled and only after that moment of relief he was able to walk again. She seemed to be more relaxed and willing to listen to him.
"He's going to be very happy to be close to his mother for the next six years. He has been complaining about her absence," he finally said in an amused tone before he gazed at her, who had wide eyes. Goddamnit. Given her reaction he assumed she hadn't been aware of the details of his deal, especially the time he got.
"Six years, Harvey?" Her voice was cracked, hands with the cactus still in the air, paralyzed.
"Hey, don't be sad," he said in a soft tone, almost trying to comfort her. He walked carefully towards her, taking the vase gently from her hands, placing it back on the table.
"Don't be sad?" she questioned him angrily. "You left my house two days ago telling me you wouldn't turn yourself in, after I almost begged you to have faith in you and Mike. And out of nowhere my day ended with me knowing that you did otherwise, that you made a deal and turned yourself in. And now you're telling me that you will be gone for SIX YEARS? AND HOW DO YOU WANT ME TO BE NOW THAT I KNOW THAT, HARVEY?" She couldn't anymore, so she threw the words at him, angry, screaming, but she took it back at the end once she realised that her reaction could turn him more away than he already was.
By this time, she had increased the distance between them. She was nervous, pacing back and forth as she threw the words at him. The agitation really indicated that she was not at her best and normal. In her nature, Donna used to be restrained and, even in the most intense fights she had had with him, she always remained impassive and quiet, despite the communication being very intense with her tone and hand gestures.
"Harvey I-" She placed her hand on her face, covering it, holding back a wave of compulsive cry that was not allowed to take over her.
He waited in silence, concerned by the way she was acting. All he wanted to do was hug her, assure her that this feeling was going to go away and in the end everything was going to be just fine but he couldn't lie to her. In fact, the feeling was going to pass and everything was going to be fine but the road to reach this point was going to be painful, hurtful, and excruciating.
At this moment he was questioning himself if he could bear being away from this woman for so long, even more because this could mean the end of their relationship for the rest of their lives. It was a fact that they weren't in a romantic relationship but he also couldn't deny that between both of them there was something more.
Even though he struggled with the idea of nourishing any romantic feelings for her, in moments like those, when she was in pain and the way he barely could cope with the feelings to protect her and the wishes to relieve her pain. It was in those moments that he realized she was much more than just his friend and employee.
But, as now, most of the times he'd seen her like this, it was him the one causing her the pain and the instinct of protecting her was replaced by guilt and shame. And acknowledging it kept him from any impulse to comfort her, hug her, kiss her and confess his feelings for her. He knew she deserved more, someone better than him. Someone who wasn't afraid, someone who didn't have all the baggage he had and someone that was emotionally available and ready to be in a relationship with her.
"GODDAMNIT, HARVEY. MIKE WOULD BE FOUND INNOCENT. THE JURY WOULD VOTE HE WAS NOT GUILTY!" She, again, screamed at him, confessing what she discovered earlier. Once she saw his expression in the exact second she stopped screaming, she regretted it. He was completely shocked.
"How-How could you know it?" It was the only thing he could manage to say.
"When I left the courthouse knowing that you made a deal with Anita, I found out the name of the first jury and I went to him. I asked him and he told me that even though he couldn't agree with the decision, the jury would tell Mike is innocent," she was totally honest with him, there was no reason for her to lie about it.
"You could be in a lot of trouble here, Donna." He took a deep breath, still in shock. He sat down on the sofa, trying to process what he had just heard from her.
"I didn't think about it. I just had to know the truth to understand and accept your choice. I just had to realize how-" She paused, unable to finish her argument. She did the same as him and sat down on the other sofa, at the opposite of where he was.
"Donna, that doesn't matter now. I made my choice knowing all the impact that this would do and all the losses I would have in the way. And I am fine with it," he was serious but with a moderate tone, like he was trying to comfort her and give her the strength she was going to need.
"Are you really okay? Knowing how this could impact us?" She hesitated for a moment but at this point the alcohol was doing its part and it was giving her the courage that maybe she couldn't have without it.
"Donna-" he bowed his head, defeated.
"Don't 'Donna' me. I am done with halfwords, Harvey," she said in a fussy way.
They remained silent for what seemed an eternity. They were staring at each other. Harvey with a confused gaze, mouth agape like he was about to say something, but incapable of it. It was not a lie. There was no physical reason that stopped him from speaking, but rather the bundle of emotions that saying something would bring to the surface. Once he said something, there would be no turning back and he was afraid, terrified of what might come next.
"Nevermind." She said giving him the opportunity to talk, to open up to her but as she assumed, he was not capable of it and even thought she was desperate to hear something from him about the two of them and she could almost force him to say something, she wouldn't do it, not now, not at this moment. The man in front of her was already a mess, too lost, too confused to have to deal with another emotional thing.
"How was the things with Marcus?" She was trying to make things as natural and light as possible. She picked up the glass she had left on the table, that still had the whiskey.
"How do you know?" It seemed like he was able to speak after all, since that subject was not an open wound.
The look she shot him almost made him laugh, it was as if she was saying "Do you still ask? I am Donna and I know everything" and it was not necessary for her to speak, her glance said it all and he could hear her in his head, the exact tone she probably would use if she had spoken.
"Marcus is getting a divorce," he said.
"He what? How is he doing? And the kids? And you? Why?" She was in disbelief, mouth half open.
"How many questions. That's a long story," he shrugged.
"I don't have plans for tonight. Do you? I'm all ears." She gulped down some more of the drink that was left in her glass.
Pleased to hear those words, he walked to where the bottle of the whiskey was placed, the same she was drinking. He poured himself a dose, noticing the bottle more empty than he could remember.
He got a little excited knowing that at least for this night everything was going to be okay between them. He sat down on the sofa again, ready to share all he wanted to share with her since he got the news. Harvey then started to narrate all the things that had happened from when he landed in Boston
She listened intently to him, making comments, making sure that he was all right. In conclusion it was a relief, he had dealt as best as he could despite his own struggle with the 'divorce' subject. And the best was made for those who were the most important: the children, his nephews.
Everything was going naturally and normal, they started another subject after subject as if nothing had happened and a tremendous separation was about to come. They were talking and laughing for hours into the night. They remembered some funny moments, discovered new stories, made jokes, quoted lines from movies and tv shows they liked.
After many glasses of whiskey were shared, the bottle was empty and Harvey looked for another one that he had in his cellar. When he returned with a new one, Donna was no longer in the room and he got desperate thinking that she had left without saying goodbye. "Donna?"
"What happened? Can't a lady go to the toilet?" She was coming from where the bathroom was.
"I just-" he sighed in relief, putting the bottle on the table.
"I already said it: I am not gonna leave you, Harvey. Not without saying goodbye." Even drunk and almost braiding her own legs, with a lack of balance and her mind working differently from normal because of all the alcohol ingested, she was able to identify in his eyes the fear of being abandoned. The abandonment issues and all the fear and insecurity of being alone with no one to count on.
"Please, pour us another drink of this one that looks better than the other one." She winked at him and sat down on the couch.
"When did you plan to come here, did you think about us ending a bottle of whiskey?" he was still serious.
"For sure, I plan on being totally drunk and maybe high with you," she joked.
As far she could remember, none of the many times they ended up with a bottle had been planned. And this time was no different, in fact the last thing that crossed her mind was that they would be on such good terms at the end of the night.
"Holly shit. I came here for another reason, actually," she increased her voice's tone, snuggled into the sofa, sitting on her feet. She was already barefoot as if she were in her own home. "Rachel and Mike."
Harvey handed her the glass with another shot of scotch and sat back down as well. "What about them?"
"They're going to get married after-'' she swallowed half of the scotch, after that many glasses they barely felt the burning from the liquid.
She placed the glass on the table. She was scanning the room, looking for her cell phone so she could see what time it was. She had completely forgotten the device from the moment she was in the apartment. She saw the device and ran to the kitchen counter to get it.
"Holly shit, Harvey. It's 3 a.m.," she said astonished, "we completely lost track of time." She put the cell phone in her jeans pocket, taking back the seat in the same place as before.
"Okay," Harvey agreed, changing his expression like a child when their parents said that it was time for them to leave the playground. He didn't want to say goodbye to her one more time. He didn't want all the lightness of the atmosphere to dissipate and give them space to realize that, in a few hours they would have to say goodbye for real.
"Mike and Rachel then, tell me the story about them getting married," he was looking at her with a slightly less bland expression. Donna, despite having noticed the change in his expression, proceeded with the subject of the wedding and explained the entire story to him. She told about the decision made by Mike and Rachel, the place where the wedding would take place and that he would be Mike's bestman and her was Rachel's bridesmaid
"And besides that it is already too late and that you just arrived from your trip and had to deal with Marcus' divorce, I think we should call it a night, Harvey. I need to recover from this obvious hangover and I need to take my beauty sleep. I need to be at least okay for our friends' wedding." She was already standing, taking her shoes and walking towards the door.
"You will look stunning as always, Donna. You don't need any of it," he said smoothly.
"Poor Harvey. I appreciate but I don't trust you on this matter. I need to go now and I hope we meet in-" she brought her hands to the watch he had on his wrist and did some math, "four hours. Is that good for you?" as Harvey agreed, she continued, "perfect then. Don't be late, Harvey. Mission 'best man' was activated!"
It felt so good to see her being more like herself, in that light again. As if there were nothing to worry about, either their worlds about to collapse. The smile on her lips, the glow in her eyes despite all the tiredness of a bad night's sleep and a still present drunkness.
"See you soon, Donna" He gave a half smile, amused by her.
"See you soon, Harvey"
And the two of them, in a strangely natural way, approached and gave a peck so quick and instinctive that they could just process what had just happened after he had closed the door and she had dashed the elevator.
The movement of their lips had been so natural, like a couple saying goodbye before giving each other a carpool to work. Like a "hello" stamp after arriving from a busy day at work. Both were wondering how it had happened since, for the last few years, they had been avoiding touching. It seemed that the simple touch of hands could cause an enormous combustion, a fire capable of shaking the entire structure of the wall they had built around their relationship.
And now they had just made a gesture that simple, as normal as if they did it every day, often when they said goodbye or met as if they were in fact a couple who had been together for years.
Harvey, still confused by what that could mean, stood in front of his door for about 10 minutes, trying to process the scene he had just experienced. But failing to justify and understand it, he simply went to take a shower and get some sleep before he caught up with her again in a few hours.
Donna, on the other hand, took advantage of the few seconds she had in the lift to also question what they did. The alcohol was still flowing through her body and hindering her logic, but there was not much time to think. She called a taxi and once he got home she did the same as Harvey, took a shower and went to bed. She was trying to keep her thoughts away from the memory of the gentle touch of his lips. Unfortunately it was a quick moment, she thought.
The next day, obviously neither of them were able to wake up at the agreed time. Harvey was not indeed a morning person and already had his usual problem with waking up early. Considering the fact that the day before he had already woken at 5 a.m. to take the plane and the time he went to bed after all the drinks, he would hardly wake up at 7 a.m..
Donna, knowing him well enough, knew he had trouble up in the morning that early and in the night before was expecting he wouldn't make it in time. When the alarm rang at 7 a.m. she sent him a text message.
« Already awake? »
As she didn't receive a response neither he visualized the text she let herself sleep an hour more and at 08:10 the phone rang again.
« Just now. Too mad? »
« Good morning, sleepyhead. No! I imagined that's what would happen so I gave you some extra time. How is your head? »
« That's what I love about you. You get me. No headache. And how about you? »
« But if you don't get up right now you're going to be late and then I will get mad. Just remember that it is Mike and Rachel's wedding. And no headache either. »
« Okie dokie. In an hour and a half I will be at your door. »
« Harvey, you don't. »
« Yes Donna, I do. Period. I already talked with Ray. »
« Okay then. Drink water. See you later. »
She ignored the part where he said he loved her on purpose, mainly because she had already heard it from him the day they hired Mike and there was no ulterior reason.
The two hurried to get up, take a shower, hydrate and be ready for the day of shopping they would have. Donna was finishing her coffee when she heard her cell phone vibrating.
« Were you serious when you talked about getting high with me? »
She laughed.
« No, because none of that was planned, Harvey. But I wouldn't mind if that happened. Why? »
« I am just curious. I am going with Ray. Be ready! »
It didn't take much longer for the knock on the door to happen and she came to face Harvey with both hands raised. In one he was carrying a small cactus and in the other a bag that, she supposed, was marijuana.
"Harvey-" she stared at the contents of the small plastic bag.
"That's me giving you full custody," he swung the vase, "and that's, just in case after we go shopping you are still in the mood."
"You're unbelievable!" She smiled brightly and let him in. She stayed at the door, waiting for him, who left the plant on the sideboard and the drug beside it.
"Ready?"
The two left excited about what the day would expect of them.
Throughout the day, neither of them dared to even come close to the subject of the kiss given the night before. They filled all the time and matter with the wedding stuff (shop visits, dress fittings, adjustments to be made). Even on lunch break, the two didn't bring up the subject. After both decided and made all the necessary adjustments in their respective clothes, they finally went to Donna's house.
"What do you say?" he shook the bag.
"Let's give it a try." And they both had a deja vu of the night before. This time, however, the scotch was replaced by wine and they increased the high with marijuana.
Within all the legal and illegal drugs in their bodies, the two laughed even harder than the night before and the atmosphere was lighter too. In the midst of all the gossip, they decided they couldn't extend the private party much later, as they needed to get up again early to celebrate his ward's wedding. It was around 8pm when the two were more sober and decided to end the celebration.
"Donna!" the Cheshire's huge grin was on his face..
"Harvey!" She grinned at him.
"Thank you. There is no other way and no better company I would rather spend my last 48 hours before going to jail except with you," he said proudly.
Her eyes watering, after so many hours with that subject completely forgotten, she was hit again and the physical pain showed signs of wanting to return.
"Don't cry, okay? We still have a beautiful and great celebration ahead."
And so the two parted once more.
One more farewell after a lot of feeling being shown and little being said and clarified. Another day in which the two talked, flirted and were all that was needed by each other. At no point did Harvey think he could have someone else's presence while he was with her, just as she didn't even think about sharing anything with anyone but him. The presence of each other alone was enough, their private world. And that meant and showed a lot, but they both had too many fears, traumas and insecurities to take the initiative to open up completely to the feelings that were there.
Once again the two played, dancing over the edge, across the border. This farewell just had something different, as in the previous one, the quick peck was given, a little longer this time, but nothing significant. And just like the night before, no one said anything, no one understood anything, and each went to sleep wishing the other was by their side. Was it the last chance to finally open up for feelings? They didn't know and let sleep take their minds. Tomorrow would be another story, new possibilities and they would just live what was in store for them.
Author's Note: I am here again thanking you for still being here with me on this road. Again, please, let me know if you're liking it or not. Reviews are always welcomed and I got too excited to read them.
To my beta in this chapter: thank you, Alana. You are absolutely improving this one and my writing skills in general. All the types and conversations we had.
I still need to finish this fic in my native language and I am assuming that maybe I won't have time to finish it in time when we reach the same chapter in English, but I'll do my best :v
The next chapter is probably my favorite one, the wedding is coming everyone. Stay tuned!
With love,
Jana.