Chapter Five - 24 hours
In the morning, each of them, in their own house, woke up in an empty bed. The same bed which had always been the ideal size, but this morning looked bigger. Their first thought was about the other (Donna thought about Harvey and Harvey thought about Donna), wishing the opposite side of the bed was placed with a certain someone but none of them had the courage to express that will.
Another thing in common was that their body was exhausted. Among the trip, the bubbler, the drinks and the weed they got they had spent the last two nights not sleeping well. Add to that, the fact that they were not teenagers anymore.
He took his cellphone and sent her a text message.
« Good morning, Donna. Or are you still sleeping? Carrying all the age's height after two days of drinking like a teenager? »
« How dare you? Speak for yourself, mister. You're just turning 68 years old. Morning, Harvey. »
« So are we finally at the same age? »
« You're an idiot. »
« See you later if you don't take a nap again. »
Both of them had a big grin on their lips whilst they exchanged text messages. They had just finished their cup of coffee and the remaining taste of vanilla intensified the feeling of nostalgia.
It didn't take longer for either Donna and Harvey's cell phone ring again but with different callers. Rachel was calling Donna and Mike was calling Harvey.
As best men and maid of honor at their friends' weddings, each had a special mission to fulfill. Harvey had arranged to do a little bacherolotte party with Mike before the wedding, since the three days the lawyer had off were filled with him saying goodbye to his family, a full day and a half with Donna, and the third and final day would be the wedding. But they could still enjoy it in the morning.
Donna had an errand with Rachel where she would help with the wedding stuff and the two ladies would take the whole bride's spa moment. Besides the wedding being meant to be simplistic and minimalistic, the lawyer wanted to enjoy her wedding day as much as possible.
As soon as they finished their breakfast they managed their way to meet the bride and groom so they could do their tasks.
Upon meeting Rachel, Donna envisioned a friend somewhat torn with emotions. The wedding day was always something that caused some level of anxiety and nervousness, it was natural. Talking about the future Zane-Ross' case, it added to the fact that Robert Zane, her father, would not accept her marriage to Mike after discovering that he was a fraud and how detrimental this could be to his daughter's career.
The night before, the bride had had a really bad fight with her father and he said loud and clear that he wouldn't be attending Rachel's wedding. Although she could understand why he was acting this way, the paralegal was really upset because her choice had not been respected. And because on one of the happiest days of her life he, the man she always admired, wouldn't be there by her side.
Donna tried to comfort her friend, assuring to the other woman that this would pass very soon and someday Robert would accept her decision and would be on good terms with Mike. He just needed time to process all of what had happened in the last few days. And when that moment came, they could celebrate with another wedding to renew their vows. For sure both of them knew that that wouldn't be the same but it was enough to see a calmer Rachel and they finally started to enjoy the moment.
While Rachel and Donna had spent the morning between "girl talk", champagne, massage and make-up, a little away from them, Harvey and Mike were at a bar, talking.
All through the talk, Mike mentioned what had happened between Rachel and Robert and with all the alcohol in their body they ended up in front of Zane's house. They were not drunk, just a little tipsy.
Harvey stayed in the car while Mike walked towards the door of his fiancée's parents' and knocked a few times before he had to face Laura with an unfriendly face.
"Michael, if you're here to see Robert, he's already gone," she snapped, annoyed.
"I'm not here to see Robert. I'm here to see you, " he confessed.
"Well, I'd rather you go." Laura seemed to be as disappointed and upset as her husband. She tried to close the door but Mike stopped her.
"Laura, please"" Mike put his hand on the door, getting his future mother-in-law's attention.
"Please what, Michael?" she questioned, getting a little close and clearly displeased. "Robert and I were ready to embrace the man who was going to marry our daughter, and it turns out that man is a liar. And now you're here to get me to convince my husband to go to your wedding?"
The young attorney was patiently hearing, not disagreeing on those tough words about him.
"It's not just my wedding. It's algo Rachel's." he clarified.
"I can talk to Robert until I'm blue in the face. He will never forgive you."
"He doesn't need to forgive me, all right?" He was indeed not there trying to get his future father-in-law's forgiveness. "He just needs to be there for his daughter." This was the only thing that mattered to Mike: convincing his in-law to be there for Rachel.
"He's not gonna do that," she said seriously.
"Why not?" he couldn't understand.
"Because you're ruining her life."
He did not agree with this part of Laura's statement. "Look, Laura, I know that I made a horrible mistake." He was aware of it. "Yet I was willing to go to jail, taking two years when I could have gotten out of it by turning on my friends," he sighed. "But I didn't. Rachel knows that's the kind of man that I am. Now all- all I am asking you is that you help Robert see that."
Laura was paying attention to every single word of the guy, not seeming much convinced if she should do it. "I know my husband. What you're asking is impossible, and I don't expect you to understand that, because you've never been the father of a daughter. But I'll try," she finally seemed to give in.
"I don't understand." Mike was truly confused. Seconds ago she clearly said she wouldn't move a finger to try to help him in the situation because it would end in a lost cause.
"Of course you don't, because you've also never been the mother of a daughter."
With that said the conversation was finished. Laura closed the door, letting a hopeful Mike thinking about the real possibility of them being there on his wedding day. He went back to the car and both bestman and groom went to Harvey's penthouse to get ready for the big event of the evening.
They had gotten Ray to drive for them. On the way to Harvey's apartment Mike took the courage to touch a sensitive subject.
"How are you doing?" he genuinely questioned his friend.
"I am fine, Mike. It's the right thing to do." Harvey gave him a serene smile.
"You know that I would have stopped you if I'd known what you were planning to do, right?"
Harvey had a playful look. "And since when did Robin stop Batman from doing something?"
They both laughed.
"Harvey," the protegé had a soft tone. "Tell her how you feel."
Harvey was looking at him, confused. "You know what I am talking about. Tell her how you feel before it is too late. You're going to be away for 6 years."
Harvey, who until that moment had his eyes on Mike's face, turned back to face forward, looking at nothing. "That's for what? Saying something only would make her stop her life for me. And I don't want that to happen. I'll be gone for too long. She deserves to be happy. She deserves to be happy without me," he said, coping with tears.
"She should be the one to decide that," Mike said with no hesitation.
And with that said, the subject wasn't summoned any moment after.
Once in the apartment, they both got ready and managed their way to the chapel where the ceremony would be happening.
At the right time, every guest was already there for the ceremony to start. Donna went to see Rachel who was in a room in the back.
"I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful bride," she complimented her friend who was standing in front of a mirror.
"That's good because I have never seen a more beautiful maid of honor," Rachel complimented back with a enormous smile on her face.
"So I don't wanna bother you but I wanted to come to give you a little bit of an early wedding present."
Rachel was visibly nervous. "Donna, you don't have to do that," before she could say anything more, Donna interrupted her.
"Your mom and dad are here, Rachel."
They stared at each other, silently nodding. "Thank you," Rachel almost whispered.
"Oh, don't thank me. Thank Jessica." A soft laugh came from Rachel. "I am going to wait for you outside, right?"
With a positive signal, Donna let the bride have her time to finish the set-up.
Immediately after she closed the door, letting Rachel took her time, she closed her eyes for a couple of seconds, took a deep breath and for that moment would be the beginning for her final goodbye to Harvey.
She was feeling that she could easily fall, at any time. Every time she opened her mouth to talk to someone, even to say something mundane, she could feel a wave of tears coming and she had to cop her emotions.
Donna walked carefully and focused to the chapel's entrance and for some distance she could see Harvey standing by Mike's side. They were already ready for the ceremony.
The secretary was supposed to walk down the aisle with her boss, being them the maid of honor and bestman of the couple. After them, would be Mike and then finally Rachel.
In the moment that Harvey and Donna's eyes crossed, Harvey stepped away from the groom and walked towards her, passing by her side, whispering "Hey". He positioned himself in the beginning of the aisle, knowing she should have wanted to talk with Mike before everything initiated.
Donna marched towards Mike. "Ready?" she questioned him.
"To marry Rachel? Always!" he said proudly. "Do you know that if it was a choice between me and you, you'd be the one he'd choose, don't you?"
Donna stared at him, confused.
"Even though he is giving up on you in the process, if it was a choice between the both of us. If you were effectively among his considerations, he would never let you. He would never choose to lose you."
She gave Mike a shiny smile, thanking him. It was inevitable not feeling overwhelmed by that, her eyes with tears she had to manage to hide.
As it was supposed to be, Harvey and Donna entered at first, together, followed by Mike who entered alone. As Harvey, Donna was overjoyed.
Donna was wearing a black dress with spaghetti straps that crossed at her back, leaving much to be fully appreciated by the view. Even though Harvey was not much different than usual, wearing a suit like he usually did daily, he was still utterly handsome and attractive.
Arm in arm, they entered to the sound of "All of You" by John Legend and during the way to the altar, they exchanged some looks and smiles. As soon as the two were positioned at the altar, it was Rachel's turn to enter with arms entwined with her father, who had a frown on his face but was still there for his daughter's happiness.
With the entrance of the bride, the ceremony began and everyone heard the emotional vows.
"From the first second I met you, I knew I wanted to be here with you someday. Walking down the aisle arm in arm."
"I know that I fought it at first, but now, Mike, I can't imagine living alongside anyone else for the rest of my life."
"If I've learned one thing, it's that we never know what the future holds. And that could be a scary thing. But I know that there is nothing that I can't handle when I have you by my side."
"You're the strongest man I've ever met. And you make me stronger. You're the husband I've always wanted. And I can't wait to begin our adventure together."
With vows and rings exchanged, with the priest's blessing and now declared husband and wife, both lawyers kissed.
At that moment, Harvey was looking at them, proud of the huge step they were taking in their lives and, though he didn't want to admit it, a pang of envy because he felt he might never have this for himself one day.
Harvey's gaze almost involuntarily went to the redhead who occupied the other side of the altar. She was beaming.
Donna was looking with admiration and extreme happiness for her friends. She was also feeling a bit nostalgic as she thought about the beginning of their relationship and how much they had grown and cascaded to this important step in their lives.
For her, it was almost impossible not to compare their journey with hers and Harvey's and she couldn't help but look at him and, to her surprise, he was looking at her. They shared a shy smile when their eyes crossed and quickly their attention went back to the couple that most mattered that evening.
Amidst applause for the now husband and wife, the two returned to walking down the corridor towards the place where the small reception would take place.
(For a better experience -or a different one- I recommend you to play Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer)
After the beautiful ceremony, everyone went straight to the salon in the back. The wedding didn't attend more than 50 guests, most of them Rachel's friends, being Mike's guests only those who worked with both of them at PSL besides, of course, Donna and Harvey.
Now, the newlyweds were doing the standard protocol of greeting all the guests, so they could serve the food and open the dance floor. After protocol was fulfilled, the two went to the small space reserved for the first dance between the just married Mr. Ross and Mrs. Zane-Ross. After a few minutes of full focus on Rachel and Michael, other people joined them.
Harvey was standing in front of the bar, observing from a distance the couple dancing. He was there for a few minutes and then he turned his back to the dance floor, thinking that in a few hours he would no longer be there.
Donna was talking with Laura and her gaze was captivated by the guy who was alone at the bar. She excused herself for a moment and marched towards him. "Hey," she whispered, announcing herself as she reached his side.
"What do you say?" he asked, handing one of his hands to her and head pointing to the dance floor.
"I don't mind if I do." She placed her hand on his and led him to the dance floor.
As they arrived together and mingled with the couples dancing there, some of the classmates turned their eyes to them, a little surprised at their physical proximity so openly. Donna obviously noticed the stares, even her gaze crossing her friends', and a little awkwardly, she lowered her eyes and concentrated on dancing with Harvey.
It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath
Of this love that we've been working on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
In the beginning the dance was treated like something silly and fun. The two barely touched and went from one side to another, between laughs and jokes until they finally took it seriously and began a slow dance following the rhythm of the song.
Their hands touched. His left hand was placed on her back. He could feel her soft skin exposed due to the neckline of the dress. She shivered at the brief touch and felt her heart race.
Her right hand, which was free, went to his shoulder. The height difference between the two present there, their faces touched and she could smell the woody scent he wore, and he could also appreciate the citrus scent she was wearing.
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms
We're going down
And you can see it, too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room
That dance must be something normal for the other guest but it was not for them. The dance meant to them much more they cared to admit.
Donna and Harvey remained silent for a long time, in their own bubble. Enjoying the little moment and the touch of each other's hand. It seemed like both of them were trying to capture, like in a photograph, the smell, the texture of the hair, the feeling of their hands touching.
Her words were echoing inside his head "I don't wanna lose you". And he got lost in those memories. Memories from the moment they met each other at the bar. The moment at dinner when he asked her to move to his desk at Gordon, Schmidt and Van Dyke right after they had had sex for the very first -and only- time.
He remembered that during dinner he said the exact same words to her "I don't wanna lose you" and even though back then he had no idea how deep those words would become, he really meant it.
It was impossible not to also remember The Other Time once their faces were too close, as close as they were when he was allowed to kiss her. He couldn't help not to remember how her skin was soft, like velvet, with his fingers now on her back. Gently, he moved his fingers along her back, as if he wanted to caress her, being utterly carried to not push her away. He doubted even if she would notice.
She noticed.
And then he was also remembering many nights they spent late into the night at the office, since the dawn when they were still working at the DA's office and how many glasses of scotch they had shared as well as stories.
He realized that in every difficult moment of his life it was to her whom he went to. She was the one he called no matter what time it was, midnight or six in the morning. The two smiled, drank and flirted. The boundaries that had always been so clear to him would now seem blurry and blurry enough that he could no longer distinguish what had only been part of an ego massage game or really signs and hints of how much something existed between the two.
Since that day at the coffee shop he had put away any and every possibility of having the redhead in his arms again, because he knew he wasn't ready for a relationship. He wasn't prepared to give her what she wanted and deserved.
And of all the relationships he'd had in his life, this was the only one that he couldn't risk losing. He was perfectly capable of getting through his life without having an affair with Donna, but he would be unable to imagine his life without her presence. The lovely Donna Roberta Paulsen was someone he had in his life and he appreciated having in his life, even if it wasn't the way he wanted -and now he realized that.
I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw
I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
The proximity of his face to hers made it almost like breathing was difficult, but at the same time it felt so right, so natural. As natural as the kisses they shared those past few days, as if they did it all the time. But she knew it wasn't so natural and that's why her heart was beating so hard and much faster than normal, she was nervous.
She felt nervous because of the proximity and how it caused small electrical currents throughout her body, currents that seemed to scream so loud that she should do something, that she could take his lips there and say everything she felt, all the feelings she held for the last decade. But she was fighting that urge. She couldn't bear to feel his lips on hers and watch him leave, it would destroy her, even though she knew he wasn't leaving because of his choice.
Besides, even though she didn't want to admit it, Donna believed that if she and Harvey ever got together, it would be his initiative. Not because she didn't want to, but because she knew the moment he took action it would mean he was ready for a relationship, to have a relationship with her.
And he had never taken any kind of attitude, even though she wanted it every time he stopped having his "bachelorette week" where he went out with several women and spent a few months quiet until he went back to having several dates in a short interval of time, or not when he ended his relationship with Scottie or when Zoe ceased to be a possibility, or when she questioned him how did he love her and not even when she stopped working for him.
He never went after her, nothing had changed in his behavior showing that this time he was ready to take a risk. And with each new possibility that he could take an action that was not taken, she lost faith a little more.
You'll try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand
We're going down
And you can see it, too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed my dear
we're slow dancing in a burning room
"Donna-" he said, his voice cracking, "Can we go somewhere?" he asked, pulling away a little, facing her.
"The music didn't end yet, Specter," she replied in a playful tone.
"I know it's just -"
Then she understood and without him needing to ask or complete the sentence, she nodded and moved her body completely away, taking the direction of what had been the room where she had met Rachel minutes before the ceremony began.
To get to the room, the two would need to go through a side door of the main hall where they were dancing, the exit would lead to a small hallway that had another door that led to a larger hallway and at the end of the hallway the little room that Donna had in mind.
However, as soon as they passed the door that opened a passage into a larger corridor, Harvey stopped walking and took the secretary's hand. The two of them had made the journey here in total silence.
The hallway was completely deserted and, considering the excitement of the guests, hardly anyone would leave the party to go there. Except, of course, Donna and Harvey, at his request, who were looking for a quieter place without music.
"Donna-" he was visibly nervous.
Not looking directly at her, he resumed walking, but leading her to one of the walls of the hallway. With his head still down, looking down at his own feet, with his free hand he brought it up to his nose, squeezing it, as if seeking courage or organizing his thoughts so the words could come out clearly and coherently. Without further ado he lifted his head and began to watch her.
"Hey!" her soft voice, seeming to hold back a cry. "You know that you can talk about anything with me, don't you?"
And he honestly knew. The reason that was making him nervous and inept to speak was that whatever he had in mind would show all his vulnerability.
Harvey had never been very emotionally mature and sharing what he was feeling was always a big issue for him, especially in situations where he didn't know how the other side would react or when the stakes were too high. In this case he was facing them both.
He was aware of everything they had been through and had no idea how she would receive what he needed to say. Anyone who saw Harvey nervous and restless like that would never be able to recognize him as Harvey from three days ago. However, the three-days ago Harvey Specter hadn't lost everything. Today's Specter had nothing left to lose and should take a chance. The man of today would leave for six long years and could not continue being as selfish as always and prevent the life of someone from moving forward, when he was imprisoned and without any evolution. Of course, expressing his feelings at that moment could also show signs of selfishness.
"Donna-" he said her name again.
"Okay, Harvey. I get it, you already know my name." She was also apprehensive, as she could see how nervous he was, but she still laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "Take your time. I am right here. I am not going anywhere." She squeezed the hand that was next to hers a little, supporting him.
And just like most times when he needed a push to make some kind of more delicate decision, her signal had given him the necessary encouragement to act. "I don't want you not going anywhere."
And that was far from the truth. He wanted her to be waiting for him, so that she wouldn't let go of him and abandon him at the first opportunity, but he couldn't ask her to, not after he'd made her prioritize him for so many years. It was time for her to make herself a priority and get on with her life, even if it meant he wouldn't be there.
"I want to. No, actually, I demand that you move on, do you understand me?" He released her hand and took a few steps away.
"Harvey-" she was going to try to say something, but he cut her off.
"I need you to promise me that you will move on with your life."
The two had straightened their positions. She was leaning against the wall and he was about 3 steps in front of her.
"I promise, Harvey," she said in defeat.
"Great!" he sighed in relief
"You put me first for years and if I am not capable of recognizing that, what's the point of all of it?" he shrugged, "I am sure Jessica won't fire you and even though Louis gets Gretchen you can still do his secretary's stuff".
"So all of this is work related"
Her face, which had lightened up a little with hopes that we'd benefit from it, became firm again. "I am not worried about my job, Harvey," she said, thicker than she would have liked to sound.
And she didn't really fear for her job, she was confident enough to know that if she got fired from the now Pearson Litt, she would get a new job, maybe one that wouldn't pay as well as her current one, but she would.
"I know you are not," he pointed out.
"Donna-" he took a step toward her, closing the distance. "You are the most remarkable and special women I have ever met. I know I didn't show you enough how much I appreciate you and I am far away from deserving you."
She now had an expression of astonishment at his words. Everything there was so strange that she couldn't utter a word. He took another step toward her, closing the distance between them even further.
Go cry about it, why don't you?
Go cry about it, why don't you?
Go cry about it, why don't you?
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room
He stared at her, the two of them silent, absorbed in each other. Their gazes locked, thei gazes shifting between their mouths and their eyes. Sexual tension and desire were latent, but neither of them seemed brave enough to take action. As Donna herself had told Rachel once, there was no going back when that first step was taken.
It felt like the redhead's skin was burning and shocking at the same time. He couldn't seem to breathe, and he really wasn't, until it was almost unbearable and he remembered that he needed to get some oxygen. It was after catching his breath that he then took the necessary courage, as if the air entering his lungs had given him the impetus so that he could take action.
His hands went to her face and the small distance that existed was broken and he sealed her lips with his in a kiss. At first Donna didn't properly process what was happening, so much so that her hands remained close to her body, but when she came to understand that it was really happening she surrendered and wrapped her arms around his neck, entwining herself there and he replaced the hands from her face to her waist, pulling her closer.
Although there was a lot of sexual desire, a lot of lust, all the feelings behind it were much greater and, instead of a lustful kiss, what they exchanged was a tender kiss. At first, her hands were close to her body, but it didn't take long for them to move toward her. The lips moved in a slow rhythm, trying to taste and retain every detail of each other's lips, tongue, breath.
There was so much feeling in that kiss, a love story that had been written for the past 12 years, and a love kept and repressed that long. There was an urge to feel the touch again after the first time, an urge to convey what words were unable to do for them, an urge to demonstrate all the love that existed there and in front of all these melancholy feelings there was an urge to create a farewell mark.
Very grudgingly, the two needed to end the kiss, but they didn't pull away completely. With their eyes still closed, their foreheads locked and their breathing labored, the kiss might not have been fervent, but it was not less intense because of it.
When they finally opened their eyes, the two stared at each other. He admired her hazel eyes and she admired the dark brown eyes, the exchange and understanding of what had just happened there, as they always did.
They didn't need words for them to understand each other and with that, he released her waist and she released her arms from the back of his head. The dreaded time had finally arrived: he had to leave.
In silence, they walked away slowly and she finally nodded, giving him a signal that it was all right, that she would stay here, that she would be fine and he could leave, her eyes watering. He, also with eyes already full of tears that he did not allow them to fall, also shook his head and started his walk.
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we should've learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we should've learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we should've learned somehow?
She wasn't able to get out of the hallway, her back against the wall. She was transfixed, watching him walk away, still feeling his lips on hers in disbelief and understanding nothing of what had happened.
Her only certainty was that he was going away, he was going away for too long, and he wasn't looking back. He had promised her not long ago that he wouldn't let anything happen to her, but now he couldn't guarantee it anymore as he was leaving. And with those steps down the hall he left her and everything from there would be full of uncertainty.
His steps towards the door were heavy, it looked like he was trying to climb an escalator that descended back to where she still remained motionless. Each new step took an enormous amount of energy to stay ascending, but the escalator did its job and pulled him back. He struggled with every muscle in his body to get through the short hallway. He didn't look back, he couldn't.
As he walked through the door to the smaller hallway, he came face to face with Mike who seemed to realize that something had happened. The newlywed didn't ask anything, just put a hand on the mentor's shoulder to show some support and in silence the two headed out of the chapel to the car that was already waiting for them.
Harvey had already told Mike that he would not make another goodbye. Then, when the time came, he would go to the car with Ray and be admitted to his prison. The young lawyer volunteered and made a point of accompanying him and making sure that until the last minute he felt that no matter what, Mike would be there for him and no one would abandon him.
And so it happened. The two made their way through pranks, jokes and some instructions from Harvey. It was a relaxed trip, and when they finally arrived at the prison, the two had one last conversation and hugged. Harvey thanked his friend and walked through the bars of the place, starting what would be the biggest change of his life there, and he had no idea whether or not he was prepared to face what he did not know within those walls.
Author's note: Are you all alive? Because my heart cracked when I wrote this chapter.
As a non-native English speaker, this chapter was the hardest to translate. All the emotions and feelings here.
We are on what was planned to be the half of the fic. We have four more chapters on the road.
Keep saying what you all thought about the fic and stay tuned for the next chapters.
Do I have to say thanks to Alana again? Yeah, always. Thank you! You're 'tha best' (imagine this in my very failed british accent)
With love,
Jana.