VIII
Chakotay
HQ continues to hound Chakotay for a decision about his future with Starfleet even as he boards a transport to the Beta Quadrant. B'Elanna's obvious reluctance to disclose Kathryn's current location came as a surprise, if only because he would never have expected Kathryn to confide in… anyone, actually. He is used to being her sole confidant, a realization that brings with it no small amount of shame. So. More than two members of Voyager's crew are disappointed with him, apparently. Well, why not. He is disappointed with himself. He probably should have anticipated that his ill-conceived relationship with Seven would send ripples – fractures – through the crew. But today he is hoping to rectify some of it, at least.
He is, categorically, not looking forward to the look on Tuvok's face when he shows up on their doorstep. He cannot even picture the look on Kathryn's. Having failed to reach out to her in all this time, he has no sense anymore of how she might be feeling, and B'Elanna was vehemently disinclined to share her insights. He is once again flying blind into badlands. He is afraid to hope for any outcome at all, let alone one in his favor, but he'll gladly spend the rest of his life making up for, well, all of it, if Kathryn will let him.
He beams down to a community transport center instead of right outside Tuvok's home to give himself time to collect his thoughts, and regrets it immediately. Having never spent much time on Vulcan, he finds himself obscenely overdressed for the climate in his standard woolen vest and trousers. He strips down to his shirtsleeves but realizes there's nothing for it: he will be drenched in sweat by the time he reaches his destination.
A fine first officer, he thinks bitterly. That he hadn't considered the temperature ahead of time evinces his battered state of mind. Quite an offering, he is. He keeps his head down as he treks up the steep hill, willing himself to at least not fall to his death off the side of the cliff, although he imagines that the reception he'd get from the bottom of the canyon might be warmer than the one he's about to get from Kathryn.
After a while he looks up and sees a familiar figure, incongruously pale against the crimson landscape, reading in the shade of a tree that looks something like a Pinyon pine. She holds a slim volume of – what? He squints but can't make out the title, which suddenly seems of profound import. Poetry, he thinks. He recalls that she reads poetry when she's trying to think through a problem.
The look of unadulterated shock on Kathryn's face when she turns is somewhat less than flattering. The possibility that he might come after her had clearly not crossed her mind, and he doesn't love what that says about him, or their tattered friendship. Approaching slowly, he parts his hands, palms open, in a gesture of surrender. He doesn't give her the chance to speak, afraid that if he so much as hears her voice he'll lose his nerve.
"Kathryn," he begins, swallowing convulsively. "Kathryn, my actions have been… indefensible. I'm not asking you to forgive me – I don't expect you to forgive me. I knew when we shot out of that Borg sphere that I'd made a grievous mistake and I, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to finish what I started, I wanted to be fair to her, and I didn't know –" he looks imploringly into her eyes, searching, "I didn't know how you felt, anymore. I guess I still don't know how you feel. I realize I'm making a couple of assumptions showing up here, and I'm sorry, I just – I promised you that you would never be alone and then I didn't live up to that promise, and no matter how you feel, or how I feel, or what's happened since then, I should never have let that happen. I'm sorry," he stops short, running a hand over his face. With effort, he finds and holds her gaze. "I'm sorry, Kathryn. Even if we couldn't be together, I should have told you every day from the moment I met you that I love you."
He exhales a ragged breath and hopes she can feel the depth of his sincerity. It's all he can do. It's all he's come here to say. He drops his hands to his sides, and waits for Kathryn to sentence him for his dereliction.