Inside Sarah Walker By Lord Rapier

Story Consultant and Editor

Phathead01

Chapter 11: I Kissed him, I Kissed Him

Stephen gets back with the Chinese food and the three siblings sit around the table passing containers and sharing. Diane snorts, holding in her laugh when Stephen makes a mess with his poor chopstick skills. Stephen sticks his tongue out at her.

Molly sighs, "Mom and Dad really went through it, and from what Mom just said it gets worse.

Diane nods, "I am just so glad we know the ending, because right now my heart is really hurting for them, If I didn't know how it ends, I would be a puddle on the floor right now."

Molly bites off a piece of egg roll, "I'll say, when I first met them, they were a happily married couple, I never saw any of this stuff. Neither of them ever let on that there was anything other than that, I still have a picture in my mind of when Dad would look at Mom, she would just melt."

Stephen nods, "I remember this one time, I was probably Five or six, Dad came home and told Mom something about work, she got so pissed. I hid under the table, Dad just softly said, "I love you Sarah, let's talk about it". Her face changed instantly, it went from red and angry to a big smile, she walked over and hugged him and said, "okay Chuck let's talk". You guys better not tell Amy I said this, but it's one of the things that made me propose to her, she let me talk her down from being angry. You know it's hard to live up to Mom and Dad's love story, they were like superhumans in love, but I try really hard every day, they really were great role models."

Diane wipes a tear from her eye, "I just don't know how I am going to live without them, thank God, they left me you guys,' she takes in a deep breath, 'in a lot of ways it's like they talk to me through you, I am so glad we're going to live close to each other again. I feel a little sorry for our spouses. Once we get talking in our shorthand, they'll have no idea what's going on. The three of them laugh as they clean up and put the leftovers in the fridge.

Stephen sits down in the chair in front of the screen looking at the floor, "guys, I'm a little concerned, Mom warned us that it's going to get worse before it gets better. If it gets to be too much, I say we pause, we support each other, we remind each other that we are here, that all of this is in the past and that they were in love and happy together. We remember that this house is full of their love and their lessons to us, okay, agreed?"

Molly and Diane nod, Diane adds, "we're here for each other we always will be, that's what they taught us, family first."

Stephen hits the replay button and Sarah Lisa Bartowski's face fills the screen.

Sarah is speaking softly, "hi kids, I hope you can hear me, it's 2 A.M., you and Daddy are asleep upstairs, I love it when Molly sleeps over, and I don't want to disturb you or him. Telling you that story earlier reminded me of a lot of stuff from the past, I had a rough time trying to fall asleep. So, I thought, what could make me feel better, so I decided, maybe I need to finish the part of the story that hurts so much, maybe if I can get to the good part, that will help. I know it's weird for me to be bothered this way, I mean look how lucky I am, three great kids and the best husband in the world. Yet here I am reliving the pain as if it is happening right now, I could wake Daddy, I know he wouldn't be upset, he never is when I get this way.

Stephen pauses the playback, "what way? What's she talking about, she makes it sound like she gets "this way" a lot, that Dad is aware of an ongoing issue?"

Molly rubs her eyes, "Stephen, you're getting very worked up, she hasn't even started her story yet, she's just explaining that she couldn't sleep, it happens, no need to worry about the worst-case scenario."

Diane gets up and hugs him, "big brother, whatever was bothering her, isn't any longer, there's nothing we can do, we loved her, I know we made her happy, let's hear what she wants us to know and stop guessing at stuff, okay?" Stephen nods his head and hugs her back, "okay," He reaches up and starts the playback.

Sarah takes a deep breath, okay here we go. Last thing I told you was Chuck broke up with me, Sarah laughs a short sarcastic laugh, broke up with me, right. How could we break up, we weren't together, it was all a sham, a cover, a spy game. Tears begin to roll down Sarah's cheeks. If it was so fake then why did it hurt so bad, I had to try something, I had to bring him back to me. The only problem was I wasn't allowed to want that, and I certainly couldn't tell him, Sarah, hangs her head and speaks even softer, no matter how much I wanted to."

Maybe I should take a moment and explain something to you, I can't say I loved working for the agency, but it gave me purpose. I realize now that it gave me a place to hide. I could hide from the pain and fear that I was carrying around, all I had to do was follow orders. People weren't people, they were obstacles in the way of me accomplishing my mission. If I did a good job, Graham would tell me how good I was, how useful and able. It was just like when I helped my father pull off a good con. When they would tell me how good I was I couldn't help but smile, I was well trained, pet the puppy, make her happy. Your Dad changed all that, I didn't have to do anything, all he would have to do is look at me and I felt loved, cared for, I felt okay, even when I wasn't supposed to.

Back to the story, the next day I went over to the Buy More, and asked him if we could talk in private, I tried to convince him that us breaking up was a bad idea, that for the sake of our cover we needed to stay together. I was so angry inside, frustrated, Sarah is talking through clenched teeth, she raises her fists, and shakes them at the air. I couldn't say what I wanted to say, that I wanted him to stay with me. He insisted that he would rather have something real, well damn it so did I! I could feel the tears coming as I talked to him, I had to cover myself, I told him fine then I will have to sell it, the tears came, I couldn't hold them back, he thought I was acting, I wasn't, the tears were real. I ran out of the store, I couldn't look at him, it hurt too much, I had to get away from him. I ran across to the Wienerlicious and cried myself dry, what the hell was wrong with me, I felt like I was going insane.

Oh, but the fun was just starting, Casey just loved to torture me, I had to tell our boss that Chuck was now dating Lou. Beckman demanded to know how this happened, Casey just kept repeating over and over she got dumped. I tried to cover by saying it was better for Chuck's cover, dating a civilian, in case someone made me as an agent. Casey just repeated, "and she got dumped" like I wasn't hurting enough. Beckman wanted to know everything there was to know about the Deli girl, Lou, she was a potential security risk. She wanted to know why all of a sudden someone was taking an interest in our asset. I mentioned that he was reasonably charming, and it was'nt hard to believe that a woman would find him attractive.

I have to add something here, I could have avoided this whole debacle by just pretending that I was falling for Chuck. I can't tell you how many men I manipulated and controlled that way. No big deal, just acted happy to see them, tease them, always promising that something more was coming, it worked over and over. I just couldn't do it with Dad because it was real, I knew if I tried to fake it, the real feelings would come out, I would lose control… of me. The truth did eventually come out, and it did not go well, I would up be being investigated for inappropriate behavior, they took me away from Dad, I will tell you more about that later.

Okay back to the story, Beckman was not happy, and Casey was overjoyed at the mess I was in, remember I told you Casey is not Grandpa John, he was a vastly different person back then, he was carrying a lot of pain and anger just like me, he took it out on everyone, mostly himself.

Daddy showed up to fill me, Casey, and Beckman in on a flash he had. He saw a poster inviting people to the Club Ares opening, turns out the club owner was Lou's ex-boyfriend Stavros. A wealthy playboy, the son of Yari Demetrios, the owner of a shipping business who is suspected of being involved in smuggling. There is chatter that they are smuggling a volatile, time-sensitive package, so Casey, Chuck, and I are ordered to investigate and find out what it is. Casey tells Chuck that he will have to go on a date to Club Ares with Lou so they can find out what Stavros was up to. Daddy was not happy, once again his spy life was interfering with his love life.

Meanwhile my breakup with Chuck was bringing other interesting developments. Lester, this strange little Indian guy, that worked at the Buy More with Daddy, decides that now that I am a free agent, he has a shot with me. He comes in acting all cocky and asks me out on a date. Now get this kids, I called him by the wrong name, I had never taken notice of him other than I would see him when I went over to see Dad, That didn't deter him. His act was so sleezy and ridiculous, I reminded him that I had just broken up with his friend, he didn't seem to care. Maybe it was because I was hurting, or maybe I really didn't like where this guy was coming from, but I decided to have some fun at his expense. I jumped up on the counter and told him I saw no need to waste time, why don't we just go for it, right now. I sat down on the counter and wrapped my legs around him and pulled him in tight. Sarah starts to laugh, Kids that guy went into full freak out mode when I poked him in the pants with my shoe, he tried to get free and made believe he could hear his friend calling him. He ran out of the shop so fast I think his sneakers left rubber on the floor.

Teasing him actually gave me a moment to feel better, I walked to the door to tease him some more just as Lou is walking by, I called her inside, to make sure she knows that Chuck is a great guy, fact not opinion, and I tell her not to hurt him. Lou is put off, she says, Yeah so far, she feels the same about him and doesn't intend to hurt him. When She walked out of the shop, kids I felt so stupid, I was acting irrationally, I had no right talking to that woman, I certainly had no right making vague threats. Daddy dating another woman was killing me, and there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it.

Later, we were getting Daddy ready for his date, he tells me and Casey that he feels uncomfortable lying to Lou. Casey of course is cynical and tells him it's L.A. everyone lies to their dates. We explained that it was all part of the mission. I give him a mini microphone disguised as a guitar-shaped pin, it was something from the 80's and told him to keep it as close to Stavros as possible. Chuck looked at it and asked if I was kidding him, that the pin was ridiculous, and he couldn't wear it. Casey threatened you either wear it or we go on your date with you, I liked that idea, but Daddy didn't. I also gave him a concealed earpiece, so I could talk to him while he was inside.

Kids, I was not happy that Daddy was going out on a date with that woman, and I was having a hard time concealing my displeasure. I probably could have come up with a more modern hidden mic, but I think I wanted him to look silly. Then Casey gave him a red rose, when Chuck jokingly asked what was hidden inside, something to determine her mother's communist affiliations, Casey said no it's "it was to get him laid." I was very not happy.

We were listening in when they went inside the club, Daddy was being his usual charming self, making jokes and just being him, I didn't like it, not one bit. Stavros sees Lou and walks over to greet them; he takes them to the VIP area to have a drink with him. Stavros continually tries to intimidate Chuck, he repeatedly calls him "Jack" and he comments that Chuck "has a small neck...like a chicken, and how easy it is to break a chicken's neck".

Sitting in the van listening I started to worry about Chuck, and Casey suggests that perhaps I've fallen for Chuck, which of course I deny. Despite Casey insisting that Chuck is doing fine, I jump out of the van and go into the club to check up on him. Chuck sees me, he comes over to talk to me, and asks why I'm interrupting his date. I deliberately looked Lou in the eye, and she was pissed. Lou starts to walk out on Chuck, claiming that he is spending the whole date hanging out with his ex or hers, that's when I left. I was happy with the results, but I was unhappy with my behavior. I wasn't just ruining Daddy's date, I was ruining the mission, I was being very unprofessional.

At the club, Casey sees Yari Demetrios walk in on the cameras, walking towards Stavros. Casey orders him to get the transmitter closer to Stavros and Yari. We see him toss the guitar pin mic onto a serving tray which is being taken over to them, so he can then follow Lou. In the van we overhear Yari tell Stavros that they must be there to receive an especially important time-sensitive package, because if they miss it, they will all be dead. As Lou drives off in a huff leaving Dad, very unhappy, in the street. We pulled up in the van, when I told Daddy that we got the info we were looking for, and what a great job he did, I was smirking. Chuck asks us, "Is it me or does our government never want me to have sex again?" I was trying to hide my smile as we drove away.

The next morning, I walked over to the Buy More, and found Chuck leaving another voice-mail for Lou, he's obviously frustrated because she won't answer. I apologized for ruining his date; it was weird for me, I wasn't really sorry for ruining the date, but I was sorry for how I was acting towards him. It wasn't his fault that I was an agent, and that I couldn't get a handle on my emotions. I tell him that while I was investigating Lou, I found out that her favorite flower is Gerber daisies. Chuck smiled at me and thanked me for the good tip, his smile made me melt, I had to leave.

Later that day, Casey, a SWAT team, and I, move in on the shipping container we suspect is carrying the smuggled cargo. The SWAT team opens the container, to find that the only thing in there was a video camera on a tripod recording their every move. Casey knocks it over in disgust, I was pissed at the cop who called us over and got our faces recorded.

The next morning, Casey and I barge into Chuck's bathroom, and explain that the container we raided, the one that Yari and Stavros were talking about last night, was a set-up, we suspect Lou was in on it. Chuck does not believe us until we produce pictures of Stavros and Lou taken after he had left Club Ares. Babies I still feel guilty about how I treated him, as if he were the criminal, as if he had knowingly sold us out. I felt so high and mighty because I busted his girlfriend, I was very unprofessional. Daddy forgave me long ago, fortunately for me, that man doesn't know how to hold a grudge.

We staked out the location at the shipyards where we expected Lou to show up, the entire time Chuck denying Lou was involved. Then Lou pulled up, Daddy was terribly upset, he was being confronted with a truth he didn't want to believe. Casey gave Chuck a bugged watch, and told him to talk to Lou. Chuck runs into the warehouse and confronts her after she takes a crate from Stavros and accuses her of smuggling. We are listening in when he breaks open the case, only finding some imported Portuguese Salami. Holy Cow, Lou gets angry because Chuck has been spying on her. Worried that Lou is incriminating herself with talk of the smuggled salami, Daddy drops his watch into a nearby drinking glass. After being immersed in liquid, the watch starts to transmit static.

Casey and I, listening from the van, don't know what happened, so I impetuously decide to find out, concerned about Daddy, despite Casey's warning me that I shouldn't intervene, "every time Chuck breaks a nail". At this point it's pretty clear to Casey that I have feelings for Chuck, however what I was feeling provided anything but clarity, I was an emotional mess. I jump out of the van and run in to make sure Chuck is okay, bad move.

I get there, just as Stavros appears with a gun, holding Chuck's guitar pin, that was how they found out we were listening, Lou is gone. It was my fault, all because I had to mess with Daddy and make him wear that stupid outdated pin, they figured out who he was. Stavros ties us up and puts us in the trunk of his car. I told Chuck not to worry because there was a GPS transmitter in his watch, and Casey had a SWAT team on the way. Chuck admits to me that he got rid of the watch, to protect Lou. I pointed out that the CIA was not interested in Deli meat smugglers. We had a huge fight, he accused me of being jealous of Lou, which I was but denied. I accused him of being jealous of Bryce Larkin, which he was, but denied. We were in trouble, and angry with each other.

Casey filled me in later, when I didn't come back out with Chuck he came after me to investigate, he finds us gone and Chuck's watch in the glass. He goes to Lou's Deli, Identifies himself as an FDA inspector, and in order to avoid jail, she has to tell him where Stavros gets his shipments, she complies.

At the shipyard, Chuck and I are being interrogated by Yari, who asks them what we know. Chuck confesses to knowing all about his salami smuggling and being "cool with it". Yari doesn't believe that it's all he knows, so he orders two thugs to torture me. Chuck, flashes on the henchmen and recites some of their history, which leads to an argument between them, distracting from me and Dad. Yari shoots one of them dead, ending the argument, and temporarily saving me from being tortured.

A messenger walks in to report the arrival of the package, and that the timer was running low, Chuck flashes on the tablet screen, seeing where the package is located, believing the package to be a chemical bomb. Upon hearing this, Yari decides to kill us just to save time. Before he can, Casey arrives on the scene I cut the ropes tying my hands using a hidden knife, I push Chuck out of harm's way, and a gunfight ensues, between Casey and the bad guys. Casey yells he will deal with the smugglers, telling me to find the bomb.

Chuck and I run out of the warehouse where I cut his ropes as well. I order Chuck to stay behind, he refuses thinking he might flash on how to defuse the bomb and we run to deal with it. We reach the container and pry the wooden crate open see a timer with only seconds left on it, Chuck does not recognize the bomb nor flash on how to defuse it. I ordered him to leave, he refuses, I threaten to shoot him if he doesn't run. He scoffs at me and says so you're going to shoot me, so I don't blow up. We argued until the timer reached 10 seconds.

Realizing the futility, Dad says to me "it was nice knowing you," and shuts his eyes to await the expected explosion. I stand on my tiptoes and pull his mouth to mine impulsively kissing him. I had to know what it would be like to kiss him before I died, I had to know. Daddy was surprised, but boy does he return my kiss. Kids, I'm hoping that when you see this you are adults, that kiss went from my lips straight through me all the way to my toes. If anyone had asked me, I would swear I had never been kissed before. We kissed for a while, stopping only when we realized that the bomb didn't explode. I was glad to be alive, but my head was swirling. I had just screwed up royally, I had just kissed my asset, I kissed him. I say we're alive but now we have an uncomfortable moment. Dad just smiled and noted that he's quite comfortable. I was in trouble, how the hell do I get out of this. If we had been under surveillance, I would have disappeared the next day, never allowed to see Daddy again. I put up an emotional wall between Dad and me, I gave him no chance to explore what had just happened and got him a ride back to work. I found out later that Chuck and Lou were no more, the voicemails from Daddy told me he wanted to get back together.

Casey joined me at the bomb location after Chuck left. The Agency sent people down to examine the item. The technician informs us that it wasn't an explosive timer at all - it was a measure of the amount of oxygen left in the container. The container was not a bomb it was a Human Transport Container. The container is opened, revealing Bryce Larkin lying inside. As Casey says he thought he had already killed this man, Bryce opens his eyes and takes a breath. My eyes went wide, and I swear my heart stopped, all I could think was, OH CRAP, what is happening to my life?

Well, I guess that helped a little, reminding myself that even back then Daddy loved me, yeah that helped a little. I'm going to go cuddle with the love of my life and try and get some sleep. Kids, I hope you can forgive me for the things that come next, remember that Dad and I had extremely complicated lives. Much more complicated than the average person, so we had to go through a lot of stuff to get where we are today. If I could go back and change anything, I wouldn't, because all of that hurt, and anguish led to my life today. I have a wonderful husband who couldn't love me more, three incredible kids and I am surrounded by people who love me, just for who I am. I have what I have always wanted, I have a family. See you soon, Sarah giggles, actually in just a few hours, pancakes for breakfast, okay? Always remember wherever I am, whatever the circumstances, Mommy loves you.

Stephen turns off the playback, and slumps back into his chair shaking his head. "who are these people she's talking about, I mean she says she's talking about Mom and Dad, but who the hell are they?"

Diane and Molly sit speechless staring at the blank screen. Diane opens her mouth to say something then throws up her hands and remains quiet.

Minutes pass, finally Molly is able to speak, "we need to invite Uncle Morgan and Aunt Alex over for the next bit, maybe they can help put it in context for us."

Stephen gets up and starts to pace the room, he stops at the door frame running his fingers over the names of his parents carved into the top and looking at the legend of the three of them growing up below. "Fine, I guess that might be a good idea, but not the cousins,' he slams the wall,' this isn't a damned party."

Diane gets up and hugs Stephen, "hey Bro, look at me, look where we are, you and me, we're here, this is all just a story that got us here. I'm upset too, Dad messing with another woman, the thought that Mom would be so upset at kissing Dad, it's… it's alien, I mean they couldn't keep their hands off each other."

Molly gets up and joins the hug, resting her head on Stephen's shoulder, "Diane is right, look around, nobody here but us Bartowski's, no Larkins to be found. Let's give Mom time to work things through and explain this stuff, remember she didn't start out as the perfect Mom, she had to learn how to love, how to trust, how to heal, how to be Sarah Bartowski. She keeps reminding us that Grandpa John wasn't always the man we knew, well maybe she wasn't always the Mom we knew."

Stephen puts his arms around both ladies and pulls then in tight, "thanks guys, I was losing it there for a minute, you're both right, we're okay, and we have each other." Stephen starts to sob, "I miss them both so much, I don't like thinking of them the way she is describing, those people aren't the loving, wonderful parents who brought us up, those people are strangers, in every way." Stephen laughs through his tears, who would have believed that Dad was such a geek, he was the strongest, bravest man I ever met, he was my hero."

Diane hugs him hard, "mine too, both of them."

Molly adds, "yeah mine too, heroes, both of them. Let's have a cup of herbal tea, and relax, we can call Uncle Morgan in the morning after we get some sleep, and Stephen I better not wake up with shaving cream in my hand."

Stephen laughs, "yeah that was one of my best, Uncle Morgan taught me that one."

Diane slaps his arm, "your jokes were not funny, she made a mess when she scratched her nose,' Diane laughs, 'okay maybe it was a little funny."

Molly gives her a dirty look as she put up the kettle to boil the water for tea, "hey what happened to sisters sticking together."

Diane walks over and hugs Molly, "always and forever, but you have to admit, it was a little funny."

Molly pours the hot water over the tea bags, "fine, it was a little funny, but if it happens again, what happens to you little brother will not be funny, now drink your tea, and let's get some rest, I have a feeling the next story is going to be a rough one."